A crossdressers worst enemy!

[Stephanie Miller]

Maybe WE are our own worst enemies when it comes to "coming out". I am constantly reminded of misconceptions the public is under when I read posts here.
"I told her, and she got angry"
"She just doesn't understand"
"She asked me if I was gay"

There are quite a few very knowledgeable gals on this board. And because of that fact we constantly read information about crossdressing, it's sources, who we are and so forth. I mean really, every day, all day long we are given information. Mind you, this information is on this board only. Not shared in the mainstream media. The actual truth of it all is not shown by the likes of Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, Oprah or any of the other daytime theatrical comedians.
Yet here we are ready to "expose" ourselves to our loved ones, friends, co-workers etc with no more information given to them other than "Ta Da! It's ME!!!!! ( said with a cute pirouette and swish of our wig :facepalm:)". There's more thought and time into preparing for an oil change than something as important as this life-changing tidbit.
Why do we just assume, if we have the information then they do to? Kind of a mental information osmosis of sorts? Wouldn't it be better for us if they had a clue on what a crossdresser really was BEFORE the bombshell that we are one?
I'm not talking about mailing out an anonymous box with a three ringed binder full of internet info with books like our well talked about "My Husband Betty" types etc. I can see it now " Yea hun, right address, wrong name. Wonder who sent it. Let's look inside. Would you look at this... maybe we should sit in bed tonight and read some of this :D "
Really is something to think about if we want talks to begin with facts and not media misconceptions and television sensationalism.
Anybody have any helpful hints for our sisters that are thinking about coming out? Maybe antidotes on what NOT to do.

[Karren H]

It aint me babe!! Lol. I just got involved in a long discussion on Consmo ( really spelled COSMOi. Lol) radio and their Face Book fan page with the hosts of Wakeup with Taylor and their listeners as to which restroom should a TG person use and why.... That led to some side light questions from some of my FB friends as to what I wear at work and amy I out at work and different aspects... All very civil and all dispelling misconceptions as to who we are... Normal people.. One of the listeners sent me a message to call into the studio but I couldn't. Taylor said she was going to pick up where she left off tomorrow so we will see... But no! I'm not MY worst enemy...... Imho

If your on FB here's their page - http://www.facebook.com/pages/Wake-Up/45270090904

TG and crossdressing comes up quite often mainly because I post there and have a big mouth! Lol. .

[VioletJourney]

Maybe rather than researching tons upon tons of information the best strategy is to make it out like it's not a big deal.
"You dress like a woman!"
"So?"
"So? You dress like a woman!"
Make them explain why it's a big deal rather than try to rationalize it.

[billie earls]

I agree with you Stephanie to a point, most of us don't even know why we dress and each and every one of us does so for our own reason. It would be easy if there was one single reason why and thats what makes it so hard to come out to people especially to those we love and care about. Now I'm in the closet and intend to stay there because the hurt it would do to my family. Do I wish I could come, yes, but for whatever reason I chose this life and so must except it. There are those of us that need to come out and there is not an easy way to do it and it causes many problems for their love ones.

[GMCD]

I was just talking about this in regards to my relationship with my wife in another thread.

Cross dressing was always a part of my life, but it didn't enter into my marriage automatically. I talked with my wife about my feelings for a long time and expressed the desires I was having clearly. Then I listened to her and what I got back most of the time was that she didn't understand. I sat down one day and printed out a bunch of different articles from various sources about cross dressing and opinions and advice from significant others and anything else that I thought would be helpful. My wife took all of this information and sat down and carefully read and studied it. When she was done, she thanked me and we were then able to work out a peaceable life together where she felt safe and loved and secure and sure that I was okay and that we would continue to be alright.

Information, knowledge, and understanding were the keys to building my relationship with my wife into an even stronger one in spite of it's "quirks." And, I find that in most "coming out" situations, it is fear that creates the greatest tension, fear of the unknown. It's in all the expected questions: "Do you want to be a woman?," "Are you gay?," "What did this to you?," etc. etc. But, like you said, the right information just isn't out there visibly and readily available enough for most of the mainstream. Worse yet, what is out there in the mainstream largely serves to misinform others about us and just leads to bigger fears - "You don't want to be like THEM do you?"

I can only advise that you know and make peace with yourself first. Be it through therapy, talking with other experts, finding friends in groups and clubs that can give you good insight, religion, or what have you, you need to know what you are about first. And this goes for any person who is entering into any relationship or who is moving to a new level in any relationship. A muscle-bound, he-man, hard-laboring, hairy, ham-fisted, brute dock worker should know themselves just as much and just as well if they are going to succeed in being a partner to anyone. You really can't be the "part" you're supposed to be in a "part"nership if you're only part of a part and not the whole part. And that also doesn't mean that you have to be that part perfectly, perfection is a lifelong pursuit, but you should have a clear understanding of yourself, your position, and your goals (know the perfection you're seeking even though you haven't reached it).

Secondly, arm yourself with all the information you can that can help others understand what you already understand. That's exactly what I did for my wife, albeit I didn't come prepared and had to do it after the conversation had already begun. Information dispels ignorance and takes the power away from the hands of fear. There will be a ton of questions and you owe it to provide the answers - this is your issue that you're bringing into the relationship so you've got to own up on it.

Thirdly, and I can't emphasize this enough, take things slowly. The worst thing you can do is pop in to the room with "a cute pirouette and a swish." It will definitely create shock and most likely be interpreted as careless and hurtful to those you are "coming out" to. Talk about your feelings and the desires inside you first. Build up the "heart" of your relationship first and let the rest work it's way in at a pace that respects others feelings and concerns. This way you can find a comfortable level to operate at together, and finding it together strengthens the bonds of the relationship. This part is the hardest for most TGs to accept or deal with. We've spent so many years wanting to be ourselves and we've literally been standing in our skirts at the door with our hands on the doorknob pushing ourselves to walk through it and we just want to "get out there." And that's just it, WE've been dealing with it for years. Our family, friends, spouses, etc. have not been dealing with this at all, at the very least not in their relationship with you. They need the same benefit of time and thought and consideration that you have had to come to terms with a whole new catalog of knowledge, a whole new experience, a whole new way of interfacing with you, and reconciling what they've always known with the fact that at least some of what they've known will never be the same again.

I'll close with saying that while my wife accepts me and supports me and even chooses cute undies for me sometimes, I hurt her by rushing things early on. As soon as she agreed to let me cross dress, I went crazy. I didn't kill our finances or force her out of the hall closet or anything like that. What I did was that I started dressing up and dressing well and dressing a lot. The minute I got home, it was into the skirts and heels and all the best dresses and what not. She didn't complain because she saw how happy I was finally getting to wear what I wanted to wear but soon there were arguments about all kinds of stupid things. Finally, after one particularly heated argument she confessed that she couldn't deal with the shock of me in women's clothes. She explained that she didn't want me not to dress, but that she hadn't expected the amount that I would dress. It bothered her more because not only did I dress, I dressed well, and she felt jealous and unappreciated sort of like I was become "the other woman." All of it together was too much for her. We talked. We talked and talked and we worked out a level that we could operate at together, but instead of having done so in a mutual and loving way from the start, it was done only after I hurt her and I still try to be careful about how I dress around her in deference to her feelings.

This is just my experience from my marriage. I've had to deal with my being CD with many people over the years and I've learned the same kinds of lessons each time. I hope it helps someone.

Much love!

[GMCD]

Maybe rather than researching tons upon tons of information the best strategy is to make it out like it's not a big deal.
"You dress like a woman!"
"So?"
"So? You dress like a woman!"
Make them explain why it's a big deal rather than try to rationalize it.

You see, that just strikes me as cruel. Here we're going to burden someone else with our "problem" and then not give them the benefit of an explanation? In fact, we're going to make them defend themselves when they have no idea what they're dealing with?

Certainly, there are some people who don't deserve an explanation. The clerk at Victoria's Secret has no need to understand why I'm buying these panties, just take my money and I'll be on my happy way. Loved ones, family, friends, and other people we intend to build a relationship with, that we intend to live our lives with deserve to know why we are doing what we're doing and what it means in terms of the relationship and it's our job to tell them because it's what we've brought to the table.

I'm sorry, I maybe shouldn't be critical, but the approach of making our "problem" someone else's problem is irresponsible and inconsiderate and will just lead to much more pain for those we do it to.

[Anna B]

Hi there, sorry girls, I don't think I want to visit this place yet. It could mean the end to a 37 year marriage...but if she accepted it...? How the h*ll do you tell?

Anna x

[Stephanie Miller]

I assume it was a typo Karen and you meant Cosmo Radio :) Very commendable LGBT outreach work. You as well as others should be thanked for this type of work.

("Tons and tons"? Sounds like my kids " Dinner dishes dad? But there are gazillions of them!) Like I was eluding to Violet, if we're too lazy to do the research, and be proactive in our approach - we will in fact be relying on others to look into it themselves. They will typically follow their own prejudices and follow pre-set "feelings" to a well known end result, ("Just like I said, our pastor agrees with me YOU'RE ALL SICK! Now go get cured."), instead of an informed conclusion.

I also agree with you to a point Billie. The possibility is there for hurt, yes. But are you sure it would still be there IF the correct information was given AND ACCEPTED by them. Please note: you know them all better than me. I'm not advocating you or anyone do it. Each and everyone knows their own situation I'm just talking in general.


Just thinkin' of you Karen :D

[NicoleScott]

You see, that just strikes me as cruel. Here we're going to burden someone else with our "problem" and then not give them the benefit of an explanation? In fact, we're going to make them defend themselves when they have no idea what they're dealing with?

GMCD, it sounded to me like Violet was simply breaking it down, and forcing the other person to explain (in hopes of a self-realization) why it's a problem. The other person may assume it's a problem, but why is it? It's clothing. Yes, I know it's more than clothing to me, but to other people it's just a guy in a dress. Why is that a problem? It's asking the other person to explain why or how seeing me in a dress affects them. To me, that's where Violet was coming from, or at least how I read it.

There was a crossdresser (maybe a pre-op TS, I'm not sure) on Dr. Phil. The CD was a slimeball, and that's what the show was mainly about. Child supports payment were skipped, but nails and hair always got done. Call me mom, not dad. On and on. Responsibilities pushed aside for selfish reasons. So the crossdressing or transition wasn't the main issue. It could have been a gambler, drinker, drug addict, or workaholic, but in this case it was a crossdresser. Maybe that's why crossdressing doesn't get a fair shake from the media. We claim to be otherwise normal people, just like to crossdress. Maybe that's not sensational enough for a good in-depth story about crossdressing. If there has ever been a good presentation of our "story", I haven't seen it.

[Joanagreenleaf]

Helpful hints for "coming out"?

Sure, do your homework...

Join the forum, go to at least one support group several times in a row, drop into a gay bar or two, pay attention to "gays and lesbians" in the media... Learn, you see, what the opposition thinks they're talking about. What you'll find is that most people don't know any more about CDing than you did ten, twenty, or, thirty years ago - and why should they if it's not their area of interest? You, on the other hand, would do well to be an expert. Get your facts in line, keep your head up, and learn to say, "Yeah, so?" as if they haven't made their case yet - which, once you set their noise aside, they won't have.

As part of your homework, come out to yourself with your own complete understanding of what you like, what you want, and how you define yourself on the CD/TG/TS/Bi/Gay/hetro/etc. wheel of life. If you figure yourself out first, the rest of the world will be a lot easier to get along with.

[sissystephanie]

I think the other Stephanie is right. There are many CD's on this forum who are their own worst enemies!! Their major problem is that they haven't accepted who and what they are!! I am a crossdresser, one who never wants to be a woman! I have been one for almost 70 years!! I know who I am and what I do, and I am happy with that. So I am not my own worst enemy, but how many others can say that? Unfortunately,not nearly enough of the members really accept the fact that they are crossdressers!!

Along with acceptance also comes having the proper attitude. I dress to please myself, not the rest of the public. If you see me, and don't like what I am wearing, then don't look at me. My life is mine, not anybody elses!! That attitude will help you in all kinds of things!!

[Karren H]

I assume it was a typo Karen and you meant Cosmo Radio :) Very commendable LGBT outreach work. You as well as others should be thanked for this type of work.


Just goes to show you just because an engineer dressed as a girl, he can't spell better than any other engineer on the planet! Lol.

[Paulacder]

Worst Enemy, Nosey Neighbors......

[NathalieX66]

Worst enemy = hair follicles.
Period.
I don't worry about what people's perceptions are, some you can change, some you can't. There's a pic of my in the gallery of my gy FB page...lots of comments, nothing negative, no friends dropped. I'm sure there's someone out there that has a negative impression, but hey, that's life.
In the mean time, People are starving, people are dying across the globe, there's deficits, and drug/turf wars. We have bills to pay, and we worry about saving for retirement.

[Stephenie S]

Loved ones, family, friends, and other people we intend to build a relationship with, that we intend to live our lives with deserve to know why we are doing what we're doing and what it means in terms of the relationship and it's our job to tell them because it's what we've brought to the table.

I'm sorry, I maybe shouldn't be critical, but the approach of making our "problem" someone else's problem is irresponsible and inconsiderate and will just lead to much more pain for those we do it to.

Yes. But do you know, really, WHY you crossdress? Can you understand this YOURSELF? I suspect not. Crossdressing is one of those things that defies explanation. Think you understand? Try explaining it to me.

So, while you are completely right in that friends and loved ones deserve an explanation, I wonder if you can explain it.

I think that what is needed is ACCEPTANCE, rather than understanding.

Just my thoughts. Everyone seems to struggle with this problem. "Why?"

Stephie

[DAVIDA]

I just don't understand how telling someone that I am a cross dresser makes me irresponsible. Maybe because I don't see being a cross dresser a problem.
I am not in the closet and haven't been for years. There are however, some that don't know and probably never will.
Everyone in my family except my brother knew.
Well, now my brother and his wife know the real me.
Jean and I were visiting them for the first time at their house in Louisiana.
I told them that I wanted them to know who I really am.
I mean, he is my brother, he should know who his brother is.
My brother happens to be an Episcopal Priest.
I didn't need to explain what a crossdresser was.
I just explained that I have ALWAYS been one.
He assured me that nothing has changed about the way he feels about me and that he still loves me.
What he was kind of upset about, was the fact that he has known me for 56 years and I felt that I couldn't tell him.

I am sitting here with Jean at our daughter's house in Mississippi and I am dressed.
This is me. I am not ashamed of being me.
I am definitely not irresponsible.
I also know that family and my friends don't see me and think that I am a problem to them. If they did, I don't think that they would keep coming over to see me.
I mean, my mother is 79 and calls me to see if I want to go shopping.
The only problem there is when I can't go.

Everyone has their own opinion.
All situations are not the same.
There is not just one mold.

[docrobbysherry]

Because I'm NOT Sherry's enemy in any way!:)

But I'm, BY FAR, her WORST CRITIC!:brolleyes:

[Stephanie Miller]

I can see where you're comming from Sherry, but I really think the context leads itself to be "enemy". To me a critic is someone that passes judgement, good or bad. I look in a mirror and I am my worst critic. An "enemy is someone who is forcefully adverse or threatening. I think by not making sure we have covered all our bases with the most correct information, we are allowing others to continue with their possibly misinformed view of who we are and continue to carry that information on to others who may use that information to undermine our best intentions. (run-on-sentance? :) )
But alas, as I said I get your drift and I could be wrong.

[Tina B.]

It all sounds well and good, but I don't think what information to come to with it, that is not as important as where they are coming from even before you tell them. Some people see the world as black and white, right or wrong, with little if anything between. Some people are so sure of themselves that if you are not living a life just like their's then you must some how be wrong. My first wife had a great saying, and in her case it was very true, " don't try to confuse me with facts, I've already made up my mind." that's why she is my ex. If you can talk to someone with at least an open mind you have a chance, other than that, your just blowing in the wind, no matter what you say or do. I also believe, many of us find the need to tell someone even before we have all of that knowledge, and self acceptance, and that also makes it harder.
Tina B.

[Pythos]

Violet, for some people that tact is brilliant. It works because it would make the person think about the reason that they feel the way they do, and most likely come to the conclusion there is not one thing wrong with a guy in a dress. Unfortunately there are others that lack critical thinking abilities, and they will not take to this tact that well.

Then again, I personally want nothing to do with anyone like that. LOL.

As far as "Here we're going to burden someone else with our "problem", this look at it as a burden is directly related to the person in question seeing it as such. Violet's tact would get the person to hopefully answer why it is a burden. Once again, the only reason it is a problem is because of society's narrow views, and bigoted views. The narrow views are a direct result of the voicing of a small minority of bigots.

[dawnmarrie1961]

Who is a crossdresser's worse ememy? Ourselves.

[wendy360]

Your letting logic cloud your thinking. Just because you give people the information or the facts doesn't mean they will change their misconceptions. Even in this forum people will post that they are heterosexual or straight but like to dress, yet if we tell people we like to dress they ask if we're gay? Go figure.
People do not like what they don't understand, and many times don't want to. This is why I do not tell people I know that I dress. Yes I dress and I like to go out to the movies or to a transgender group meeting but I have heard too many negative comments from people that I know, usually based on miss information, and I don't want to get into an argument so I let it go.
It would be nice if we lived in an enlightened society where people weren't afraid of differences whatever they may be.

[Lexine]

I'm an advocate of, if you're coming out, put it in the same terms/language/verbiage that your friends or family can understand. It's really tough for someone who hasn't walked in our heels (see what I did there?) to understand what we're going through, so I feel it's often better to explain it to them in a manner that they can relate to.

When I came out to my friends, I told them that I wasn't going to do this 24/7 and that it was just a form of self-expression or, better yet, just clothes. Since my friends were gamers, I told them that something like this is similar to playing as a female in role playing video games we've played.

They accepted it for what it is because they related something we've all done at some point to what I was doing. Later down the line, when they got used to it, they finally asked me why I do it and what it does for me. It was at that point that I told them my thoughts and feelings about the whole thing and they got even more curious and more understanding of the situation.