My wife has ask me to stop but how long can I hold off for??

[Kate J]

Recently I told my wife the little secret I have had for over 35 years and it didn't go down well. I think part was the fact that she did not know and felt lied too and the other is that she wants a man in her life that has a hairy chest and does man things.

So to cut a long story short I have stopped dressing for her as I love here with all my hart but I still have the desire to do what I have been doing for the last 35 years.

[Danni Renee]

I feel so sorry for you. Having to choose between who you are and the one that you love is difficult. The reality is you are not (cannot?) change who you have been the last 35 years. You can figure out a way to continue as you have been without her knowledge, that is about all you can do. You can try to supress your desires and for a while even succeed but if they have not diminished in 35 years it is unlikely they will go away now. Whatever you do, do not act hastily. Let time work in your favor and maybe in time your wife will become more understanding. Do your best to show her you can be her manly man but that you also have another side that can be just as special too. I will be pulling for you.

[Billie Jean]

Only you can make your choices. I have tried to stop several times but I go right back at it. After several purges I decided not to do that anymore. It gets way too expensive and some of the things I have thrown out I haven't been able to replace. Get your wife to read some of the post here by other wives who have been through the same delima. As far as the dressing goes, you'll probably do it again. Billie Jean

[Pythos]

I am going to try to be as diplomatic as I can here, but it may prove difficult.

I hate reading about this sort of thing. This is not a one sided thing, your hiding was not good. But at the same time what does society expect? With all the bigotry and hatred that we face, hiding is often the best of two evils to deal with. But when I read of a woman wanting "their" man having "a hairy chest" and doing manly things, it begs this question.

Is she perfectly smooth, does she do womanly things? Do you want her to be such, and if so, how does she react if you ever state to her that is what you want.

Two way street.

These notions she has, and unfortunately many hold onto are just that, notions. What exactly is manly? what exactly is womanly? Why do we hold onto these limitations?

Now the feeling of being lied to is understandable. She has been left out. But this again begs the question, how would she have reacted had you been open in the very beginning? She needs to answer this to get her answer as to why you lied.

I wish you well, and sincerely hope these old and silly notions go the way of the dodo bird, cause they in many many ways do nothing for us as a species.

(Please do not take this as my attacking the woman in question. I am not. I AM however attacking these stupid notions we humans hang onto.)

[Shananigans]

I honestly do not know. However, if you have been doing it for 35 years without her knowing, my assumption is that you will probably try doing it behind her back again. I can understand how she would be miffed by all of this. She probably wonders what else you have kept from her. I really think that you need to communicate with her and try to come to an understanding about what it is that concerns her about your CDing. She may never be accepting, but this is a topic that merits more discussion between you two or else it may become the elephant in the room that no one looks at.

[TGMarla]

All of the points made thus far are valid points. What she doesn't understand is that it's not just a matter of up and quitting. She doesn't understand that this is an integral part of who you are. To rip it from you is like ripping a part of your entire personality from you, and it's not a real good idea to do that. You may try hard to abide by her wishes, but it may also cause a bit of deep-seeded resentment in you, too. It's akin to telling her you're left-handed or something, and whether she's okay with it or not, this is who you are. Quitting won't change that, and it may well harm you in the long run.

Wives also almost always have that "what else have you been hiding" mentality. What she doesn't get is that it's likely that you've hidden nothing else from her, and you only hid this from her to avoid the exact reaction she had to it.

[Karren H]

Well when my wife (of 35 years tomorrow) found out 4 years ago it also didn't go well.. Lots of crying and carrying on... She was pretty upset too! But she didn't tell me to quit. Matter of fact she told me she knew I couldn't. She just doesn't want it in her face. I'd try to quit also if she had asked but I seriously doubt I'd be able to do it for long.

[Sophie86]

Don't quit forever, just quit for a month. After a month, think about it again, and if you still think it's worth it, quit for another month. Keep doing that until either you can't continue quitting, or she gets over needing you to quit.

Reason: You don't know whether you can hold out forever, but you know you can hold out for a month. If you think you're going to fail, then you'll tell yourself that you might as well do it sooner rather than trying so hard and failing anyway. So do it one month at a time. That's an easy goal that you know you can succeed at. If you succeed often enough, you might find that it becomes easier with time.

Addendum: It would be helpful to find out ahead of time whether she's insisting on a zero tolerance policy and what the consequences are for a single failure.

[Steph.TS]

I honestly do not know. However, if you have been doing it for 35 years without her knowing, my assumption is that you will probably try doing it behind her back again. I can understand how she would be miffed by all of this. She probably wonders what else you have kept from her. I really think that you need to communicate with her and try to come to an understanding about what it is that concerns her about your CDing. She may never be accepting, but this is a topic that merits more discussion between you two or else it may become the elephant in the room that no one looks at.
I think you're right, without communication she'll probably build it up into something it isn't and grow more firm with her belief that you need to stop. if you fall back into it and she finds out she might see that as you lied to her or doing things behind her back, leading to more hurt feelings. the communication is going to be hard especially at first, but hopefully understand can be reached, compromises may need to be made.

but definitely start communicating with her try not to be adversarial but as that'll likely just get her being defensive.

[carhill2mn]

I have traveled that road. I wish you luck! Very few are able to meet those demands over a long period of time.

It is interesting that you decided to tell her after 35 years. Did you have any clues as to how she might react?
Were you prepared to answer the questions that she was likely to ask?

[tifftg]

Don't quit forever, just quit for a month. After a month, think about it again, and if you still think it's worth it, quit for another month. Keep doing that until either you can't continue quitting, or she gets over needing you to quit.

Reason: You don't know whether you can hold out forever, but you know you can hold out for a month. If you think you're going to fail, then you'll tell yourself that you might as well do it sooner rather than trying so hard and failing anyway. So do it one month at a time. That's an easy goal that you know you can succeed at. If you succeed often enough, you might find that it becomes easier with time.

Addendum: It would be helpful to find out ahead of time whether she's insisting on a zero tolerance policy and what the consequences are for a single failure.

Sophie has some great advice. I am going through a similar issue with my wife. It is day to day, although I like the concept of month to month.

The other thing I have learned is that I cannot control my thoughts and desires, I can however control my actions. I value my wife more than my love of dressing.

[Kate Simmons]

I guess it really depends on who's fantasy is more important to you, your wife's or yours. No guy is really the "stud muffin" their wife thinks they have.:)

[Sandra]

I can understand after so many years then finding out how she must be feeling but, she has to realises that this is a part of you and it is going to be very hard to stop completely.

The lines of communication must be kept open, this is not something that can be left. Do you think it would help her if she joined here and chatted with out wives/partners? We have a private section where we support and help each other.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think these great ladies have covered about everything on this! So I will say been there done that! So be strong and do not purge and give it a little time! Let her heal a little and show her your love! Hopeing the best for you! Love Cynthia,

[Shananigans]

She also probably has a f*ck ton of questions about all of it...she may be wondering if she is overreacting. She may not even want to talk to you about all of it. Women tend to want outside opinions on things. (This isn't true for all women, but I'd say most of us like to confide in people that we trust). She may talk to a close friend. Depending on how the friend acts when he/she is told will influence her opinion on all of this.

If I were you, I'd get off the forum to sit down and talk to her about all of it BEFORE she seeks outside opinions that might influence her. Again, I don't know for a fact that this is what she will do...but, it's a big possibility.

My SO opened up to me about CDing and I never really opened up to close friends about it. I talked to my SO. When other aspects started popping up that I don't necessarily think are related to CDing (but, could be seen as such), I DID seek other people's opinion. These people had very negative opinions about all of it and told me to get out and run. It did a lot of damage and took me kind of taking a step back from all of it and talking to my SO more personally again before I could put their words out of my mind.

[Jayne1963]

I have given this question a great deal of thought and looked at all the excellent advice given so far. However I got to thinking about the damage that may have been caused already and if you choose to stop crossdressing presumably both you and your wife will not communicate and talk about this again. That being the case I fear that you will no doubt return to your crossdressing ways and your wife will be left with the knowledge that you are a crossdresser and with the undoubted limited knowledge she has on the subject she will be left in a state of limbo. She will be asking herself all the usual questions ie is he gay, does he want a sex change etc. You need to talk to her and show this website as my boyfriend did. Your wife will be forever wondering if you have given it up and looking for hiding places, it will always be on her mind and could tear you both apart if it's allowed to fester. I agree with Shananigans in that if she speaks to the uneducated they will have very negative opinions and could make matters worse. Hope this helps and good luck.

[VioletJourney]

Maybe you shouldn't quit altogether, but quit for a little while, maybe a couple weeks, to show her you can and out of respect. This is a lot to take in for her, so definitely give her some time and space to work it out. But she must also understand that if she wants a manly man who only does "man things" then she's simply asking you to be someone you're not.

[Kaz]

You won't be able to quit, but you could abstain for a while and give her some space.. show her that you are no different and do all the male stuff. Then compartmentalise... you build your CD space (even if it is just in your head). I am kind of in a similar position to Karren...It became explicit a year or two ago (though there was a build up to this), but she is not interested in discussing it and essentially does not want to be part of it. So we have moved into a sort of acceptance on the basis that she doesn't have to experience it. It helps a lot if I do all the generally accepted male things around the house like I enjoy them!

[5150 Girl]

it's in your DNA and there isn't thing one you can do about it. About all you can do is have an agreement (like I had with my ex) to keep it out of her sight.

[Tina B.]

Sorry but I have to disagree with the I didn't tell you because I knew how much you would hate it, and go crazy defense. I doubt there is a woman a life that would accept that. After 35 years you tell a woman the man she lives with is not the man she thought she knew, she will react. After getting over the you have lied to me as long as I've known you problem, then what does she really think of people in an "alternative life style", you know, if it weren't you. If she is all anti gay, trans, punk, goth, whatever, might be different, your sunk, if she is open minded at all, then maybe with time and talk you might stand a chance. But if I where you, I think I would just go back underground for a while, and feel things out for a better day. She has a lot to think about, and won't want to be rushed, Good luck!
Tina B.

[Pythos]

I think I would just go back underground for a while, and feel things out for a better day.

That's right. Dive for the deep waters and evade the oncomming destroyer with the bone in its teeth. Dive and hide.

I don't know how I feel about this idea frankly. You see, your SO, is a human, and hopefully has some common sense and DOES realize the reason for the hiding, justified or not, what you are hiding is monumental levels less disasterous than what many many men are hiding (mistresses in every state, sizable bank accounts, drug problem, gambling debts, and so on), YOU, like to wear clothing and styles and emulate behavors that for some stupid reason are reserved for women only. Those reasons being arbitrary, sexist, and in many ways one sided.

[kristinacd55]

Hate to tell ya, but ur desire to dress isn't going away....probably better to try and work out a compromise with the wife if possible! Good look sweetie!!

[NicoleScott]

"Out of sight, out of mind" doesn't work for crossdressers. We've all learned that by now. The problem is: others don't know that, and they need to. Now that she knows about the crossdressing, it's time for a long talk.

[Kate J]

Hi all, sorry about the misleading thread and the late reply. Yes, I have had these feelings for over 35 years but I have only been with my wife for about 13 years and while it has not been an ongoing thing for me it has got more intense as the years have gone on. I have managed to hold back for the last three or so months but I still get feeling that has been with me for many a year.

While I am not dressing at the moment I do look after my facial features i.e. my eyebrows as I have done for over a year now but as you would imagine the wife does notice this now and has asked if I do trim them to which I have replied yes after a couple of no’s. But before I get pulled down for denial, I do find if extremely hard to admit to this sort of thing to her because of the fear of losing her.

I do appreciate comments, good or bad as it does give me a better understanding of the direction I should take. Like many, it has not been until the last five or so years that I have really understood what I was going through with the help of the internet and realizing that I am not the only one out there with these feelings.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Do not purge, and compromise. Keep reading, keep talking. Best wishes.

[Stephanie47]

So, this is another case of the genie out of the bottle. She cannot be stuffed back in the bottle and capped no matter how hard you try to screw the cap on. My wife was accepting in the beginning when it encompassed no more than bedroom play. Later, as my cross-dressing progressed, she could not understand. During her blowups I tried to explained all those yada yada yada explanations. It has nothing to do with HER! I do not know why I AM a cross-dresser. I have never bought into that line if I had that secret, which I never had, then what else I am hiding???? Frankly, my wife know everything about me since we have been married for forty years. She knows me well enough and long enough to know there are NO secrets. She developed this intense dislike for cross-dressing. Your wife wants you to look manly and do manly things. I do ALL the manly things with the exception of going hunting and shooting wildlife. I do NOT think my wife would want me to take up weekend golf, fishing, hunting,stock car racing, demolition derby and other manly things and ignore her. I do the womanly things around the house also, like vacuuming, cleaning, cooking, washing, ironing, and tending the garden because she is either working or as physical issues that preclude her doing it.

You need to sit down and discuss with her why you feel the way you do, what brings on the urge to dress, what boundaries she would accept (like being an in home cross=dresser v. out in public). Marriage is a series of compromises or at least it should be!

What always seems perplexing is the mental image of the cross-dressing husband the wife has, when he has never dressed en femme before the wife. Even if you purge all your garments your wife will never forget that you once were a cross-dresser. If she ever does any serious research on the issue, she will realize your urges will NEVER go away. And, what will be the consequences to you and HER, when you submit and suppress your true self??

[retrofitme]

Communication is key - and patience. It might be worth trying to quit for a while, and while doing so, be open about the struggle you are going through. That may help her understand more about this facet of your personality.

You obviously felt secure enough in your marriage to tell her, so give her time to think and hopefully she'll start asking questions.

-Retro

[Kendra Sue]

Quitting cd is the easiest thing I/ve done it hundreds of times.

[Joanne f]

When you have been in the closet for so long it can be difficult to know what is the right thing to do as you know that you are taking a risk by telling after all this time and when things don`t go well you can wish that you had not said anything but you have and at this point no doubt you are wishing that you had not , but for the moment you have had a setback and your wife has had a shock so let things settle down a bit but as Sandra has said this is not something that can now be just left as you are left not knowing what to do and your wife is no doubt upset and very confused .

[SweetIonis]

If you have been doing it that long, that's a tough one. I suppose it depends on how often you were doing it. The more you do it, the more it becomes reinforced in your behavior. All I can say it that I hope it doesn't create some sort of severe psychological conflict.

[Imeni]

All excellent advice, ladies. But I'll voice my new voice and offer my own suggestion.

Don't back down. Don't stop. Don't decide to try to cut out or ignore the part of you that she has issues with, what, my dear lady, are you doing with her? Maybe it happens to be a new age thing because, I've recently told a slue of women I know that I crossdress in the safety of my room away from the prying eyes of my judgemental roommate/best friend and they all love the fact that I do it. Or at least, happen to be tolerant. There is even a girl I'm interested in dating and before I've had a chance to even sit down and hang out with her, I told her I did it. And aside from one girl who has issues, everyone I've told is very supportive. So how is it that your wife of 35 years of marriage doesn't know? Or if you have been together that long, how is she not at least a little understanding that it's a part of who you are, and whom you've always been. And by changing a part of yourself like that, changes who you are as a whole?

I can't understand, and I mean this will all the love in the world, how you could ever expect her to ever become used to it if you just let her call the shots about something that hurts no one, that makes you happy, and ultimately shouldn't even be up to her to decide? I just find it very hard to understand why something like this, you didn't share with her from the beginning. It's a wonderful thing to have the loving support of a S.O., especially in my case where I'm so incredibly shy, I can't even bring myself to go into a ladies store, even with my friends.

My advice is sit down with her. Be firm in your decision that it's part of who you are, that it won't change but if she has a problem with it, be sure to address that issue. Even if you just do it when she isn't around. Best of luck. xox