need some shared thoughts

[vanessa48]

I have been crossdressing for many many years, sometimes in a tiny closet, sometimes in a bigger one, but fear public presentation. My question is this. I always have gone for the real ****ty look.....red pouty lips, cateyes, very seductive clothing, ****ty looking wigs and clothes. You get the picture. In real life I am an ultra conservative, but as Vanessa, I am this absolute barbiedoll ****. I have gotten so good at the ****ty look, and doing my makeup, I think I do it better and faster than most women. I'm not sure if Vanessa is my outlet to get away from MR CONSERVATIVE or if she is this sexual idol that I admire. I know as recently as 2 years ago, I was not as good at this as I am now. I know I could never pass. Now, I am so good at this, I transform from a 49 year old man, to a 30s woman in about 20 minutes! I look in the mirror and I'm totally amazed how I look. I know I'd be persueing me if I was a man. My question is basically twofold. I'm not even close to being gay, I have no desire whatsoever to be with a guy, but it seems that every crossdresser, CD,TV,TS site I visit, the vast majority are looking for something sexual. Am I alone here? Please help. I love to dress, but it has absolutely 0 to do with my sexual preference. I think I like to dress to see how sexy I can be. I have always wanted to be with a woman dressed as a woman, and have a lesbian relationship with her, mentally and sexually...anyone else have this desire? Thanks in advance.

[britney1]

I feel pretty close to the same way you do. I have no attraction towards men either. I dress what I would say glamourously. I try to dress so that I am attracted to myself. Allthough, when I try to pass in a couple of months, I kinda want men to be attracted to me. At least give me looks or something. It would boost my confidence in my appearance as a woman. It is a way for me to release my desire to feel sexy. Women have endless possibilities to sexify their lives. What opportunities do we have? Get a new pair of tighty whities? I know what you mean though. At times you questions, "why do I do this?" Becoming a member of this forum really helps because it makes you feel normal because you know that there are a lot of other people out there just like you.

I hope that helps.

[vanessa48]

Thanks for the reply, you do look good as a woman. I wish I had the courage, but my look is not meant for public display anyway

[JoAnnDallas]

I dress because, I love female clothing, makeup, and such. When I dress, I want to be as close to looking and being a female as possible. There is no sexual satisfacation is my CD'ing, other than the thrill of a male thinking I was a female and treating as one.

JoAnn

[Phoebe Reece]

Vanessa, you are not alone. There are quite a few on this forum who will identify with you in many ways.

It seems many start off in crossdressing with strong sexual connections. As one ages, the connection to that tends to fade. From what I have seen over the years, most crossdressers dress for reasons other than sexual. Your preoccupation with the ****ty type is probably just a fantasy you seem to prefer. Maybe it's a subconcious way to escape from being Mr. Ultra Conservative Guy by being the opposite for awhile. In any case, it's really not that productive to over analyze why. Just find a way to enjoy it without disrupting your life and you will be a lot happier in the long run.

If you are concerned about overdoing the ****ty look, why not try something different. A nice skirtsuit, daytime makeup, and a conventional hairstyle can have a very sexy look, but still be mainstream enough to present in public.

[vanessa48]

Thanks for the responses, I think I dress to the look of the women I am attracted to. I always admired women that had to wear makeup or felt naked. I seem to try to emulate their style in my own world of Vanessa.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I also feel the same as you do.---And yes, indeed part of it is to get away from my male self---Its an "escape identity" thing rather than sexual. Although there is some arousal as a side effect bonus.---I too like a lot of makeup, I dont quite go the ****ty route though. And in the last year I hive improved my appearence 500%. I dont go out---the only time I have gone out was to a Halloween party last year---as a gypsy fortune teller.---

Im 56, and I learned to make myself look 30. I discovered I had a knack for it over the last year. That gypsy costume taught me some new makeup tricks---and in the last few months i went from looking like a 55 year old drag queen to a 30 year old lady---Im quite amazed myself.

I like the women, not the men, I am quite straight.---I havent thought of having sex in fem though.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I think I like to dress to see how sexy I can be.

Well I think you put your finger on it. Especially if you're Mr. Conservative en homme. Dressing to look good and feel sexy is a motivation for a lot of us -- particuarly if we grew up in a time when male beauty wasn't openly acknowledged or valued. ("Pretty boy" is still a bit of an insult.)

Part of it is that women's clothes usually are showing off more skin, part of it may be that I've yet to find men's clothing that's really sexy (and I've heard the same from some GGs as well). Part of it may be that we're acting out what we find sexy ourselves.

As you've recognized, this is fantasy dressing -- and there's nothing wrong with it as long as you realize that's what it is. But if you go out in public like that, you're going get stared at just as any GG would. If you are interested in going out in public, you'll need to tone things down if you want to blend in. The best thing to do is go to the mall or other location that you'd like to go to en femme and observe the GGs who are similar to you. See how they do their hair and make-up, as well as what they're wearing.

If you're not planning to go out, there's no reason to change your look unless you want to.

[vanessa48]

Darla, I think you hit it perfectly. It is just an illusion for me. I get motivated as I learn to do more things, and perfect my makeup. I have found these golden colored balloons, and fill them with warm water and tape the tied part which creates the perfect nipple. The beauty of it is, they feel the same temperature as my body. When in a dimly lit room, the clevage is extraordinary if I choose. I can be big,small,average whatever my mood. What amazes me is how small a big breast actually is lol. When I first started, I was huge, now I like a size more normal to my size and it looks so much more realistic. when you touch them they feel real.

[GypsyKaren]

When I was a lot younger, part of the reason I dressed was sexual. Quite frankly, it was a turn on for me to see myself as a woman and to imagine men wanting me. Now that I'm older and finally accept and understand myself, I really don't feel like that anymore.

The reason I dress now is to be myself. Now that I know I am a woman inside, I feel the need to project that part of me, instead of trying to suppress it. When I dress now I feel calm and relaxed and complete. I feel like I'm being the way I was meant to be. There is no longer a sexual thrill for me, instead there's a huge sense of satisfaction, especially when I go out dressed.

I have no plans to transition for various reasons, so I'm endrab a lot of the time, but even then I'm Karen. The thrill I get from that is better than any sexual thrill I used to get. For the first time in my life I feel like a complete person instead of being fractured, and it's something I'll never give up.

GypsyKaren

[Keyplayer74]

Vanessa -

You're definately not alone. Although I don't really dress ****ty (not that there's anything wrong with that... :D) I DO dress only for the thrill of it. I'm not the least bit attracted to men. Really, I'm very content to dress alone, with a big mirror, in an empty house, with several outfits, 50 pairs of shoes and a digital camera! :D Of course, I'm missing a few things (the empty house and the clothes and shoes) -- *but* one can dream about it right?? Anyhow - Yeah, I dress for the same reasons you do... but will never hope to get a man's attention other than my own. Hope this helped!

[suanne]

Hi Vanessa. Pretty much sums it up for me also. I am straight, hetro, but love to dress. I really like the **** look myself. I have thought about dressing and having sex with a woman but when it really comes down to it I prefer to cd in private. (Other than this forum):D I love to have others to chat with about my hidden desires and I appreciate you sharing yours with us.


Suanne

[vanessa48]

keyplayer I have that same feeling. I go at least once a week to a Motel that is typically designed for short stays. The reson I go there is because they have mirrors in the entire room. I bring a camera, and pose with different outfits, different looks, then critique myself. Sometimes I think I look great, but the camera tells another story. Sometimes I see the pictures and just stare in awe that I can look like a totally beautiful, but ****ty woman. I do feel relaxed, and comfortable when I am Vanessa, and she will always turn me on. It is part sexual, part stress reducing, and part a thrill to see how good I can make her look. I love lipstick and makeup. The makeup does more for me than the clothes, but I enjoy them too. I know my identity, I am a man. This dressing for me is more of an illusional escape from the stresses of everyday life. It has become more like an anticipated hobby. I find that most have a sense of being born the wrong gender, and I understand that as well. I have no desire to be a fulltime woman, I just wish people could accept it that way. I enjoy being a man, and I think that is where I differ from most. I'm only Vanessa when I feel like dressing to be Vanessa. When the clothes come off, she is gone with them. I would never want to be with a guy, never even crosses my mind, or even be admired by a guy. I would however like to be with a woman that is good with it. I have found a woman I have been chatting with for 2 years, we even met a couple years ago, and had a sexual relationship. I never dared tell her about Vanessa, but somehow I built trust with her, and decided I was going to tell her. To my surprise she was totally fine with it. I told her I always wanted to have sexual intercourse with a woman as Vanessa, in fact Vanessa never had a name before I met her, she gave me the name. I sent her pictures cause she was curious. It was exciting for me because she said I looked very much like a sexy woman. She was amazed. The confirmation made me feel good. She told me she wanted to sleep with Vanessa, and share that red lip to red lip kiss. We are in the process of working out a date for it. We live about 10 hours apart. She has that ****ty look and gave me some pointers, and it helped. She always wears redlipstick which is something I am attracted to. I am fortunate to have found someone I trust to pull this off with. It will be the first time anyone has ever seen Vanessa alive in person.

[Deanna2]

Hey Vanessa enjoy the fantasy and whatever else happens. I knew from your very first post in this thread that there had to be mirrors involved and your most recent post proved it. We all love the image that pops up when we dress en femme, regardless of the look we conjure up. I know I do and I when I dress I check every mirror in the house 26 times a day. Even check my reflection in the windows.

Luvya

[britney1]

Thanks for the responses, I think I dress to the look of the women I am attracted to. I always admired women that had to wear makeup or felt naked. I seem to try to emulate their style in my own world of Vanessa.

I am exactly the same way. I like to look at the woman I have created in the mirror.

[vanessa48]

I think that is the most rewarding part. I seldom look at myself in the mirror as a man, but as Vanessa, I love the mirror!