Hows that for rich???

[sarahNZ]

My mother aksed to talk to me today (not to unusual) but the way it came across this time was different, so as usual when I knocked off from work I stoped in for a chat on my way home. Mother then told me that she was updating her will... but before she would go ahead with any changes she first had to hear me say that if I am to be included in her new will I will renounce my cross dressing ways.....!!!

LIKE THAtS GONNA HAPPEN!!!!!!!

Needless to say mum got told where to stick her will and I happily walked out oif her life once and for all.

Now I can truely be free to be myself... I feel liberated!

[VioletJourney]

This doesn't seem like something to be happy about. Do you really want your mom to die while not loving or accepting you?

[Konfused]

This doesn't seem like something to be happy about. Do you really want your mom to die while not loving or accepting you?

I understand the feeling Sarah is experiencing. It's liberating in the sense that she accepts the fact that her mom will not accept her, and it's not going to keep her down. Obviously she would rather be accepted by her mother and have a great relationship; who on Earth would wish for a poor relationship with their parents (or anyone, for that matter)? But it is liberating to come to terms with things in such a way.

[t-girlxsophie]

I dont remember ultimatums like that your mother hit you with being high on the list of mothering qualities.hard though it may be you gotta look after number one,It will be her that will regret it in the long run im sure.I just cant believe any parent could treat their child in such a cold way.I hope it may yet come to a good conclusion for you and your mother may see sense

Sophie

[GaleWarning]

I feel for you, especially as I am slowly trying to reconcile with my ex-wife and kids, not mention my sister and her family.

If I were you, I might try to explain to your mum that CDing is part of who are are, and that it is not illegal or life-threatening, or perverted.

Borrow the book "Normal", which I reveiwed recently and get her to read it (see the Loved Ones section ... or was it the Media section?).

[suzy1]

Sarah. I would have acted exactly the same way! How dare she treat you like that.
I am getting angry just thinking about it.

Good for you girl.

SUZY

[eluuzion]

If you agree, is there a uniform allowance? Most companies pay for employee uniforms. Do you get a locker? lol

Did you ask her if there was a severence package? How about COBRA benefits? Is she willing to write you a recommendation letter to help you find a position at another parenting "operation"? You might advise her that she is violating discrimination laws and you are going to report her to the HR department. :brolleyes:

So basically, she views a will as a contract negotiation? You must have had an interesting childhood. It sounds like my father and your mother could have been friends. My father was like having an emotionally bankrupt boss.

:hugs:

:love:

[Shelly Preston]

I guess your mum needs educating on the trangendered community

She obviously thinks you can just switch it off

Its a shame she cant see things from your point of view

[sarahNZ]

Thanks for your support girls, this is not something that anyone woud really want to get involved in but I have grown to accept that mum will never be able to see past the pages of her bible. DISCLAMER: I am by no means saying that religion is a bad thing but in my case I can say that religion has had a negitive affect on my relationship with my mum.

Violet of course I am not happy about the prospect that my mother will never accept me as the person that I am but I am resigned to that fact, after all it was only a matter of time... she has already dis-owned her entire family, why should I be any different? The reason that I can be happy about it is that I have conformed to her ways for the whole of my 33 years, hoping for understanding and just a little bit of slack to live my life (not just a continuation of her life) and now I can stop worrying about the inevitible offending of my mother and focus on what is best for ME for once.

Clayfish and Shelly I have spent the last 8 years or so trying to inform mum about the goings on in the real world and that normality is only a perseption of ones own way of thinking. One day maybe she will come to realist that there is a whole world full of people out beyond the walls of her closemindedness.

[Danni Renee]

Sarah, I hate to hear about your rocky relationship with your mother but I am happy for you that you are moving on. I hope you can both reconcile in the future and she can understand the blessing it is to have a child at all.

[Paola Lobos]

Sarah,
Congratulations for having the strength to stand up for what you believe is important. My mom, who died this year, was very similar to your mother. Establishing and maintaining boundaries was a constant challenge. My only concern about your note was: "I happily walked out of her life once and for all." There might someday be a time when you can forge a new relationship. Don't close that door permanently.
Love
Paola

[TxKimberly]

Ok, sad, good, and bad for you Sarah.

Sad of course, because it is a shame that you, or ANY child, should ever be put in a position like that.

Good for you because you put your self respect, principles, and integrity above your . . .what . . .greed? Is that the right word for something like this? I dont think greed is quite the right word but I can't think of another at the moment. You didn't lie to your mother and you didn't cave in to your mother - that's something that you can be proud of.

Bad for you though, because you probably dont want to cut off all ties with your mother. Your whole life you have probably had people tell you that you will understand this or that when you get older, and I hate to join that list, but don't tune me out just because I may annoy you. See here's the thing I've been through that you haven't yet - my mother and father are both gone now. My mother was a good and decent human being and I often think of her and miss her. I miss the conversations we did have, and so help me, I even miss the ones that we didn't - in other words, I dwell on the time that I SHOULD have spent with my mother but didn't. My father was raging drunk that beat his wife (all 6 consecutive wives) and his children, and STILL I am grateful that I took my son to meet him before he died. I almost didn't, but others gave me the same advice that I am now giving you. Someday they will be gone, and you will always wonder if there was something you could have or should have done different. You don't want to live the rest of your life haunted by the question - should I have dealt with mother differently?
So if I may be so rude as to offer unasked for advice, think long and hard about completely walking out of your mothers life. Don't give in on your cross dressing, and don't make promises that you know you wont keep, but you can still try to have some sort of relationship with her. Countless parents and children have managed to have serious disagreements about life style etc, and yet still manage to love each other. One of my cousins comes from a VERY religious family and he is openly and proudly gay, and yet they still manage to know and love each other. Just think about it for a bit OK? It's easier to think about it for a moment here and now, than be haunted for the rest of your life by the question after your mother has gone. . .

[sarahNZ]

Kimberly

Thanks for the "unasked for' but welcome advice. The sad bit is that mum instilled in me my morals and beliefs, including the belief that every one has the right to their own way of thinking and that all should be respected and accepted for who they are... so you can see my dilema?! How to trust in the teachings of a hypocryte (hope that is spelled right but don't have my dictionary handy at the moment). I do not wish to cut ties, that was mums idea! We have had our ups and downs over the years but always I have bowed and courtseyd(again sorry if that is spelled wrong) to her will, and grovled for my right to be a part of the family again. I have done my best to educate her, but there is no reasoning with this woman. This time I will not bow down but will stand up for my rights and the integrity that was instilled in me. If mum comes to me on bended knee (which is not hard as I am only 1km (aprox 0.8miles) from her house then I will hapily invite her into my house.

[Annie D]

Too bad! It is a shame that someone who loved you as you grew up doesn't realize that you are the same person now that you were when she was nurturing you into the person you are now. Please don't write her off, keep trying to help her understand who you are. If you stop trying, who loses? By keeping in touch with her you will always have a chance of changing her mind and opinion. You can't expect someone else to convince her to change if you walk away. I know that she may have said some hateful things to you in the past and perhaps she will continue to do so and what she has done by dangling the apple in front of your nose is not the nicest behavior to demonstrate but try to be above that and show her that you are a loving and caring son. Good luck!

[Tina B.]

Sarah, my deepest sympathy, losing a parent is a hard thing, whiter they die, or you have to walk away, either way it is still a loss. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you will be taking that many great memories with you, sorry for that too. But there does come a time when a person has to stand up and say no, not for your love, nor money, I can't be that! Everyone will be quick to say , oh but it's your mother, and that's right, it is. But no one not even your mother has the right to hold you up to that sort of blackmail, no one has. What you've done could not have been easy, but you will learn to live with it, and you may have some regrets, but those will be because she could not see your worth. But who is to say you won't be a lot happier without such a negative influence in your life.
Tina B.

[Gina X]

I don't know weather to be happy or sad for you, I'm glad you stuck by your principles ( a lot of others wouldn't ) but sad because you now don't have a Mum and although I didn't live near my Mum and I didn't see her from one years end to the next we kept in touch by phone and if ever I needed her or advice she was there for me and she was never judgemental even though she did know about my CDing. So I guess for you it's a case of win some lose some, probably on balance you made the right decision, good luck ...........

[Karren H]

Most mom's can't help it.... They are always looking out wor what they think is best for their kids...

[DonnaT]

Most mom's can't help it.... They are always looking out wor what they think is best for their kids...
But there are a lot better ways to do that than through bribery/blackmail.

[Schatten Lupus]

Some people will not change. That you are strong enough in character to not bend where many have, is praise worthy.

[Pythos]

The sad thing is, I would be my mom would pull the same thing with me...but oh my god would there be hell to pay from me if she pulled this.

[NicoleScott]

Sarah shouldn't be blamed for being estranged from her mother. Her mother drew a line in the sand. Sarah just chose not to cross it.

[Joanagreenleaf]

FWIW....

My mother would sometimes try things - on any available topic - that would rudely conflict with her own core beliefs.

Managing my life, and hers, was often a lot easier of I just cheerfully pointed out her inconsistency and let her retract, restate, apologize, or, whatever. We were usually friends and got along well enough.

I think, in the end, she appreciated that I applied her principles better than she did most of the time. In fact, I was her "go to" guy as I grew up and eventually came to be her "touchstone" before she made big decisions - and the older she got, the more important those decisions became.

That I CDed, didn't concern her a bit: "What you do with your time in life it up to you... But, are you having fun?" She would only admit it with a wink, but as she got older she lived more vicariously; what she really wanted was some gossip, some fun, some different things to think about.

I ran and lived my own life. She didn't like everything that I did, but she liked that I did it and didn't burden her life with my choices:

"You're a good son; you've never been much trouble at all. I think I must have done a good job raising you since you took over raising yourself as soon as you could. And, you got it right, it's your life - live it!"

Mom should have been born fifty years later. She's have fit right into this generation. But, like most women of her time, she had to work all her life so that this generation (all of 'em) could live a better one.

There's wealth for you...

[sterling12]

Gee, all My Mother ever said to me was, "I want to see you happy." And, she wasn't even particularly religious! Sure does make for "Stiff Backs," don't it? I'm sorry that you will have to deal with This Truth, but at least you now know how things stand.

If it's any consolation, I wouldn't be too worried about being Cut Out of The Will. If there's some Church involved, consider that Pastor Jim Bob has been sniffing around, and The Bulk of it is going to end up "in good hands!"

You have to live your own life, and although this really hurts....ultimately, it will make you stronger. I hope you two will still be able to communicate, cause' she probably doesn't have a lot of time left. She gave you a real "cheap shot," but if you can still love her....that makes YOU The Caring Adult!

Peace and Love, Joanie

[jayme357]

Perhaps, just perhaps.......

"I'm sorry you feel that way, but you taught me many years ago to value individuality. I am who I am and cannot in good conscience lie to you. Regardless of what you choose to do you are my mother and I will always love and respect you. I cannot change who I am".

[Badtranny]

Sarah,

I support you 100%

It is not your burden to change her mind, it is hers. Surround yourself with people who love and respect you and do your best to be the kind of person your pets think you are. ;-)

Many of us have spent our lives trying to be something that we're not just for the approval of "them". Personally, I refuse to bend to the will of anyone ever again, especially those who are trying to "help" me.

Your strength is admirable.

-Melissa

[Cynthia Anne]

It is said that a parents love for there child is a never ending love! This I can beleive! Just before my farther passed, he came to me and said, 'I'm sorry that I was too stupid to show love in the right way'!

[chris80]

she may be studying the bible for her final judgement but she has been paying too much attention to the wrong bits. old jewish law is hardly relevant to today's world. has she read any verses about christian acceptance and forgiveness?

[Rianna Humble]

Like many others I find it sad that Sarah has been driven to cut herself off from her mother in this way, but I am glad that she had the self-srespect and moral fortitude to stand up for what is right.

I cannot join with those who say "you'll be sorry!", there are times when you have to make a stand and this was one of those times. Sarah has already said that she will not close the door to a reconciliation if her mother recognises that she was wrong to try to blackmail Sarah into behaving like a hypocrite.

[Fab Karen]

Thanks for your support girls, this is not something that anyone woud really want to get involved in but I have grown to accept that mum will never be able to see past the pages of her bible.

Violet of course I am not happy about the prospect that my mother will never accept me as the person that I am but I am resigned to that fact, after all it was only a matter of time... she has already dis-owned her entire family, why should I be any different? The reason that I can be happy about it is that I have conformed to her ways for the whole of my 33 years, hoping for understanding and just a little bit of slack to live my life (not just a continuation of her life) and now I can stop worrying about the inevitible offending of my mother and focus on what is best for ME for once.

Right on-as adults we do what is best for us, we can't live our lives trying to please our parents. Sadly some parents would choose standing behind a book written thousands of years ago by misogynists ( & rewritten many times since to suit the whims of kings & church-leaders ) over treating their children with love.

[Debb]

Do stick to your guns. For what it's worth, I'd give a lot to be able to tell Mom about my being transgendered -- I just never got the guts, and ... it's been too late for almost a year, now.

I don't deceive myself that Mom might not have tried the same kind of thing, but she would have relented eventually, and we would have reconciled. I hold the same hopes for you, Sarah, and your mom. May she realize the error of her ways.

[CindyT]

I support you also! You stood up for what you believe is right! You might remind your mother that she helped donate the genes that got you where you are! That is something that none of us can control! Most of us don't know why we do what we do, we just know we like to do it. It had to be "Bred" into us, SO... I think you should tell your Mom that you not only deserve your fair share, BUT you should get an extra portion because she created you in this manner and we all know this can be difficult to deal with!!! Just a thought anyway... :0)

[donnalee]

she may be studying the bible for her final judgement but she has been paying too much attention to the wrong bits. old jewish law is hardly relevant to today's world. has she read any verses about christian acceptance and forgiveness?Before you make this kind of statement, you should understand that it was Christians who translated the Torah (what you refer to as the "Old Testament") into English in an era when it was common knowledge that Jews had horns. It reads considerably different in the original Hebrew. I think the 10 commandments are still pretty relevant, don't you?
To the OP:
As long as your mother believes she is doing this "for your own good" she will continue. Until she understands the harm she is doing and the pain she is causing, I'm afraid her attitude will remain the same. As I had similar (but different) issues with my own mother, I really understand when you're at. She died suddenly (at a relatively young age) before we could fully reconcile. This was many years ago and I've always regretted it. You only get one mother.

[sarahNZ]

It had to be "Bred" into us, SO...

Well I'm not sure of the nurture v nature aspect of transgenderism but I do know that from the age of 7 I was raised in a house with mum and my sister, (dad had already done a runner by then) so it is fair to say that I was raised firmly among females, heck I knew every thing there was to know about shaving legs well before I knew a thing about shaving my face (that privelege was reserved for one of my barack mates on basic training, RNZIR infantry, try explaining that one away???!) but I could tell you any amount of useless information on how to minimise the affects of period pain!??? or the aplication of makeup!?! So I could realisticly say that... Yes my mother was more or less responsible for the way I turned out... I was raised this way!

As for insisting that "I not only deserve my fair share but also extra for the way you fu...d up my life" you obviously don't know my mother! if I did say such a thing I could well expect to be dodging all manner of projectiles. (been there said that and learned that walking away calmly is the much better option). If past history is anything to go by she will calm down in a few years.

[Jamie Burton]

Sarah,
You did exactly the right thing. This is not an example of loving and wanting the best for your child, this is simply an example of a domineering person looking for any way to maintain control over another. The person who will be sorry is your mother as her own selfishness and bigotry has driven away one of her children.

Well done!

[Jannette H]

Sarah,
My father was the same way instead of a will he didn't have my safety and my life was threatened. He didn't want to be informed by anybody it was his way or not at all. He had tons of medical problems and didn't like to listen to doctors either. I did inform him I didn't want to see him or speak to him again. He died in his sleep a year and a half later in his sleep. No I didn't go to his funeral.
Sarah you are OK in your decision Be Happy.