Daakness and the Blues in Transition

[Beth-Lock]

I decided to transiiton when I did, though it has been a long time coming and the inclination gathering force, because I thought it would solve some of my problems, chief amongst them loneliness for the feminine element in my life, after a supportive woman friend died. Then, a period of elation and marvelling at the female experiences I was having, followed. That was Stage 1. After I really got into it, I was soon singing the blues about all the troubles I was having related to transition not to mention my new gender role, in which I was not universally accepted, especially amongst my family. It was Stage 2.

But is there more to it than that? A term often misuoted, is 'The Dark Night of the Soul.' It means in theology, after making a breakthrough in getting cloesr to God, one's natural goal, one's nature and problems are illuminated by the bright light of the presence of God, and become painbfully and depressingly obvious.

Is something similar going on when we reach a certain point in our transition? It might account for mid-transition depression. Maybe if we know what is going on, we will be able to handle the despair. We have performed on ourselves, radical surgery on our soul, (some would use the more modern term, psyche), it is intensely painful as one might suspcect and it must heal slowly.

Initially, we wander into transition in a pink fog, and then when we face the enormity of the consequences of our decision, we are overawed by the problems in our behaviour, nature and new gender circumstances, that have openned up. but beyond these superficial problems, distressing enough, there is something that has gone on at the soul level, more than the complaint level. That is to a degree, more serious I think. We see our shortcomings in our inner psychology, when trying to act as a female, and more than that to be a female, which is what we have committed to. We start as well to to see the inherent sadness of the gender roles.

Being a female is never easy, and neither is transition, and when you put the two together, as if that was not hard enough to adapt to, you get a third area of tension, how to cope with our unique status as transwomen, of whatever stage we are at in it. These are problems mainly of the second stage, but also bleed over to the third stage because they are the environment our new soul is cast into.

It is then that we must step back, but in doing so renew our commitment to being a woman, rather than retreating even temporarily towards detransition. We must see our life in a detached, cool and wise way, and not let our crucuial decisions be conditioend by the pink fog, which is behiund us, comforting as it may still be, though increasingly trivial.

What I am saying is that the very nature of our being is wounded, and must heal, as in any surgery no matter how beneficial, and in this dark night of the brilliance of the gender understanding we have acheived and its deep experience, we must not despair in our woundedness. As the poet despaired, "After this knowledge what foregiveness?' But there is forgiveness, thank goodness.

Does this help anybody? Does it ring a chord in your experience?

[Beth-Lock]

I have thought further about this and realized how adaptation to being a woman goes even deeper than I thought, deeper than what we normally classify as transition. Every day is a differnt struggle than it was as a man.
Everyday life is different as a woman, in ways one is slow to adapt to. I have observed all ready, even to the extent that I have got into it, how some things are harder as a woman. Though in getting along sociallly things seem easier as a woman, I am fnding, in part because things are not as big a deal as when aciting as a man, things being low key. One's emotional satisfaction also seems better. It is certainly anchored more in the preent than is male emoitional satisfaction, wheihc is more anchored in plans asnd anticpated rewards. That may be why the RLE is so important, since it is a tyoical male illusuionot place satisfaction in the future, while the RLE forces you to live with it in th present.
It is not all positive to be a woman. When it comes to depression life is harder as a woman. And in copoing with it, surrounding yourelf with nice things, including flowers and positive thoughts about yourself, this is more important. I guess that is just living as a woman. A saving factor in living as a woman is that it deepens your spiritiual life.
A surgeon said that after Gender Correction Surgery, one can expect to gain weight. That is another part of the down side of being a woman. So, If one cannot lose weight befoe surgery, I guess one cannot expect it to be easier after.

[Aprilrain]

Yes Beth I can relate, and Thank god I am who I am, though sometimes I think i'd like to be someone else, the truth is I have been given all the tools I need to deal with the complications that life throws our way. I don't "need" anything else except to show up and do my best. I do not see any downsides to being a woman though, just opportunities for personal growth. Growth almost always involves pain for sure but stagnation is death. i was never going to be a "man" an old boy perhaps but never a man I could not mature past a certain point living the way I was and Now I feel like a young woman younger than my age so a little immature yes but growing up none the less! Are woman second classed? yeah usually! We are like a cup When one sees a cup containing a liquid they think of the liquid as what is important "What's that?" "its orange juice" but where would the orange juice be without the cup! on the floor! Of course there exceptions to every rule but as a rule woman take a supporting role to the endeavors of men or should I say follies of man! Either way you can choose to see this as a negative for woman OR a positive for "mankind".

[gretchen2]

For me I would say that 90% of my transition has been nothing but positive. I would have it no other way and the only regret that I have would be not transitioning back in my twenties when I realized who and what I was. I have to live for today and not think to much about the future or the past, right now is were it is at and putting a postive spin on life gives me the step up that I need.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

beth I'm sorry you have gone through tough times..

no doubt that being a woman is hard, and transition is hard... one of the biggest things i see people doing is thinking that transition will automatically make their lives better....this is not the case... as you point out its tough for many reasons...
what makes your life better is the simple concept that in your soul, you are a woman, and now you can live a life that feels female to you..to me , this was a priceless reward, and all that other stuff is details.. which we all know is where the devil resides...

[Jorja]

Beth, I am sorry you are having tough times.

Yes, transition and being a woman are two different things. Transition is the physical, emotional, and psychological process we must go through to become the foundation of the person we need to become. During transition there are so many changes taking place in our bodies that we cannot keep up with it all. It is no wonder that we fall into depression and have difficulties dealing with it.

This is where it is important to have a good support system set up. So many go into transition alone and unaware of this. We need people in our lives that show positive support when we are having a hard time with a part of it. I feel that I was extremely fortunate to have a good therapist, three transwomen who had been through the process and living wonderful full lives, six gg’s that fully supported me, and several other transgendered girls behind me to catch me when I fell. Please know that I am here, just a pm away if you need to talk.

Being a woman is hard, yet so simple. Huh? That doesn’t make any sense, Jorja! Well it does. As Kaitlyn Michele said, “what makes your life better is the simple concept that in your soul, you are a woman, and now you can live a life that feels female to you” it is the truth. Are you going to be perfect at it? No, probably not, but you have from today onward to work on perfecting it. Do NOT try to live up to someone else’s idea of what a woman is. Live up to your idea of who YOU think you should be.

Aprilrain, I completely disagree that women are or must be second class citizens. There are many cisgendered as well as transsexual women in this world that would not even consider your thought. You can do and be whatever you want to do or be. You can become as powerful as you want or as meek as you need. If you WANT to take a suppporting role in your life then that is your decision to make but it is not a given.

Lastly, relax and enjoy your life.

[Aprilrain]

Aprilrain, I completely disagree that women are or must be second class citizens. There are many cisgendered as well as transsexual women in this world that would not even consider your thought. You can do and be whatever you want to do or be. You can become as powerful as you want or as meek as you need. If you WANT to take a suppporting role in your life then that is your decision to make but it is not a given.

Lastly, relax and enjoy your life.

I didn't say we MUST and it is not usually our decision to make! If you think woman are treated equally to men in every situation you ARE mistaken! Women are still routinely paid less for similar work. Woman still take on MOST of the child rearing burden even if both spouses have jobs. Women Often find them selves the victim's of rape beatings and other types of spousal abuse simple because we are physically weaker and men are more aggressive. I don't think women chose to be second classed who would? It just happens! Children are treated this way as well simply not taken as seriously as men. It is not something I would choose for us but ignoring it doesn't mean its not there.

[Jorja]

I did not say anything at all about women being treated equally to men in every situation. However, I do see you and many other transsexuals using these reasons as a cop out not to become the best you can be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It appears you simply want to maintain the status quo. Just because that is the way it has always been. It does not mean that is the way it has to be.

Now, you can continue to sit on your sofa and whine and cry about how unfair life is or you can get up and go make a decent life for yourself. You as a transwoman have a unique opportunity that most will never get. You get to have a second chance. As a part of that second chance, you get to become whomever and whatever you want to be.

There is an old saying that goes something like this:

If you continue to do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always had.

Remember, just as becoming a woman is not handed to you, having a successful rewarding life is not handed out on a silver platter either. It takes commitment, and hard work.

[Aprilrain]

I did not say anything at all about women being treated equally to men in every situation. However, I do see you and many other transsexuals using these reasons as a cop out not to become the best you can be mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It appears you simply want to maintain the status quo. Just because that is the way it has always been. It does not mean that is the way it has to be.

Now, you can continue to sit on your sofa and whine and cry about how unfair life is or you can get up and go make a decent life for yourself. You as a transwoman have a unique opportunity that most will never get. You get to have a second chance. As a part of that second chance, you get to become whomever and whatever you want to be.

There is an old saying that goes something like this:

If you continue to do what you have always done, then you will get what you have always had.

Remember, just as becoming a woman is not handed to you, having a successful rewarding life is not handed out on a silver platter either. It takes commitment, and hard work.

What's with the personal attack? You have completely misinterpreted everything I wrote and made broad assumptions about me and you do not know me at all! I am very happy with my life right now. I accept the challenges of transition and womanhood with and open mind and heart. The only time I sit around on my sofa is to relax and entertain myself with some of the asinine things I read here write by other transwoman.

Sorry your thread got highjacked Beth! I won't continue with it this is my last post.

[Beth-Lock]

Beth, I am sorry you are having tough times.
During transition there are so many changes taking place in our bodies that we cannot keep up with it all. It is no wonder that we fall into depression and have difficulties dealing with it.

This is where it is important to have a good support system set up. So many go into transition alone

. You can do and be whatever you want to do or be. You can become as powerful as you want or as meek as you need.

These are interesting points and worth contemplating one by one. Here is how they seem to be significant in my case.

I did start my actual transition completly on my own, after being cut adrift by a counsellor. (In short, I seem to have had continuing problems with professional help.)

In my case, it seems to have been changes in my hormone balance caused by T-blocking medication which helped throw me into depression.

Then I lost the support of those I was depending on, a best friend for example turning on me and dumping me. Then, my professional help did not intervene effectively in a timely way either.

Part of the good thing in becoming a woman, is of course that you can reinvent yourelf, starting with choosing a new name, and getting a legal name change. I did. Then you can work on your female persona or character, and try and guide it towards your ideal. This is a long process with ups and downs and steady improvement. A number of kind women acquaintances helped me. I then wrote my autobiography to place my life events or a lot of them in perspective as leading to my gender change and showing it as a logical outcome.

This last week I seem to have turned the corner. I hope that it will be final. Little things now give me comfort, like my finger nails, nicely polished and a bit long, (and that also explains the typing mistakes), and eating out. I have had annoying problems with public harassment however, of recent.

Next step is to try and get proper professional help.