SO's comment.

[Samantha Scott]

When I met my SO one of the first things that I loved about her was the fact that she was open minded towards people from many different races, genders and back grounds. She used to date a CD (that ended badly) and would go out on Oxford Street in Sydney every weekend, and would also stand up to anyone regarding racism.

Then yesterday as I turned the TV on with Oprah about to end (the show was about a M2F TG going to her reunion) my wife made a comment that floored me. She said that "he shouldn't go because he doesn't belong there". Two things hit me here, one was the use of the term he instead of she and the second that my SO thought she didn't belong.

I was stunned, so I questioned her straight away as to why and she said that it would be easier for him (there we are again) to stay away and not get bullied, picked on or judged. I pointed out that even if she doesn't go, but instead goes out for drinks or to dinner, she could be judged by others. Why doesn't she have every right to be there just like all the GG's and GM's?

Our conversation went on until she agreed that she should be able to go and enjoy herself.

Has anyone had to face something like before?

This has got me thinking. Why is my SO thinking like this now? Is it because she has become a mother which has changed her priorities and what matters to her? Is it because she is now working in a high profile position where you are judged for everything you do, including the people you associate with?

She did say something about life is too hard when you fight it, it's just easier when you go with the norm and not try to stand out. Well if I went with the norm and didn't fight for who I wanted to be and am today I really don't think I would be here, so she sould be thankful.

The other thing that's going through my head is if her thinking continues like this, where will this leave us in years to come?

[Rianna Humble]

Could your SO have picked up on some latent hostility that passed you by? Or mght she have seen some things that made her doubbt Oprah's guest?

She is undoubtely right that ity would be easier for the person not to get bullied and picked upon. Whether that is a valid reason not to do things is open for debate (please remember I do not know what was on the show).

If you are having these doubts about her attitude, perhaps its time for some open communication where you listen to your SO's feelings and try to understand them before sharing your own feelings on the same subjects, but please don't let youself fall into the standard male trap of wanting to "win the argument", what I am suggesting is not an argument in any way shape or form, it is a sharing of feelings leading to greater understanding.

[AllieSF]

Great recommendations Rhianna especially about not trying to win the argument, which I think may have happened when, "Our conversation went on until she agreed that she should be able to go and enjoy herself." Give her time and listen.

[noeleena]

Hi, Samanthea

We had our school get to gether last year 120 of us , in Christchurch ( oh yes we'v just had 4 more earth quakes bad ones )yesterday & to day,
i never had any issue's where ever i go. next year we will have our magor reunion & hope fully we will have more come ,

Of our class we had all men , well in our day boys. 5 of us out of 30,mixed class, turn up & i took pics of all who came. im accepted for who i am & as a woman in my own right, so why would there be a problem not for me theres not.
I join in with other magor groups again no prob's ,

Iv been around Syd & walking by my self & with others no different than over here , you just be carefull.

...noeleena...

[linda allen]

When I met my SO one of the first things that I loved about her was the fact that she was open minded towards people from many different races, genders and back grounds. She used to date a CD (that ended badly) and would go out on Oxford Street in Sydney every weekend, and would also stand up to anyone regarding racism.

Then yesterday as I turned the TV on with Oprah about to end (the show was about a M2F TG going to her reunion) my wife made a comment that floored me. She said that "he shouldn't go because he doesn't belong there". Two things hit me here, one was the use of the term he instead of she and the second that my SO thought she didn't belong.

I was stunned, so I questioned her straight away as to why and she said that it would be easier for him (there we are again) to stay away and not get bullied, picked on or judged. I pointed out that even if she doesn't go, but instead goes out for drinks or to dinner, she could be judged by others. Why doesn't she have every right to be there just like all the GG's and GM's?

Our conversation went on until she agreed that she should be able to go and enjoy herself.

Has anyone had to face something like before?

This has got me thinking. Why is my SO thinking like this now? Is it because she has become a mother which has changed her priorities and what matters to her? Is it because she is now working in a high profile position where you are judged for everything you do, including the people you associate with?

She did say something about life is too hard when you fight it, it's just easier when you go with the norm and not try to stand out. Well if I went with the norm and didn't fight for who I wanted to be and am today I really don't think I would be here, so she sould be thankful.

The other thing that's going through my head is if her thinking continues like this, where will this leave us in years to come?
The real question is - Does she know you are a crossdresser? Is she somehow telling you she doesn't want you doing this?

In my mind at least, there's a big difference between someone who dresses at home or perhaps goes to a strange town and goes out in public dressed once in a while and someone who presents as a female everyday and to everybody. You're going to turn some heads if you went to school as "Bubba" and you come back years later as "Barbara".

[Samantha Scott]

Rianna - I agree that we need some open communication to sort things out so we can both understand were the other is coming from right now in our lives, and I've never been one to always want to win an argument, that's one part of my femme side that always been out. I'm all for open/level communication. I guess I am a little worried because in past relationships I've sometimes thought - if it doesn't work out and we split up that's ok because I can move on. But this time its different, this time I'm married with one child and another on the way. That changes so much and I have always said that I don't want my children growing up without both parents around if I can help it, unlike my own upbringing. But I don't want to have to hide or ignore my feminine side for the next 20 plus years.

Linda - Yes she does know I am a CD and has know since 2-3 months into our relationship, but I do think maybe she is telling me she doesn't want me doing this because if I even comment about dressing or similar she ignores my comment, changes the subject or gives me a look that I've said something wrong.

[Joanagreenleaf]

Yes, I suppose all of us have have "he, er, she" conversations. And, perhaps in this case because the TG wasn't ready (Everybody has their own opinion...) to, "talk the talk and walk the walk"? I didn't see the show, but there have been times when my wife, I, or, both of us observed someone about to do something and something about how they were doing it had us both working at getting our pronouns right... "That guy (See, I said it!) is not ready for that!" Maybe in this case, the TG felt they were, but objectively they weren't... I don't take much issue with being called "Sir" since as a CD I'm not too wrapped up in being "a real woman." I do, however, try harder with people who consider themselves female, and/or women. If that puzzles you, then you haven't met some of the people I've met who were both and neither at the same time: "No normal person of that gender would act like that; be careful of that one." Your SO will certainly change over her lifetime, for many reasons; accept it and adapt as best you can. That, in a way, is what you are in her life for; and her for you. You, meanwhile, fit the norm for some sort of profile - refined for people like you. It may be a small sample, but you are in it. The years ahead may or may not be what you - anyone - expect. Live it and see how it works out. That's life. Day by day. Everyday.

[Stephanie47]

Relationships, especially with a spouse, evolve over time. What may have been acceptable once may no longer be acceptable now. Boundaries are constantly renegotiated based on a new set of priorities and circumstances. Several of the issues you raised may precipitate a renegotiating of boundaries. You did not state why her prior relationship with a CD ended badly.

Once children come into play, there is definitely cause for renegotiating every thing in a relationship. It is not limited to CDing issues. From everything I see in the media, our children are counseled on acceptance of families with two daddies or two mommies. I've never seen anything bringing up the issue that a child may have a CDing daddy. Maybe your SO is becoming aware that a child may have issues beyond the child's control about CDing. When my CDing was in its infancy my wife asked me to not wear a nightgown to bed because our child may walk in on daddy. At that time that was the extent of my CDing. It was a new boundary based on changing circumstances. I accepted the new boundary because I could see her point. I can also see any employment issues arising where CDing may have a negative effect on her position or promotions. There may be legal barriers against discriminating against a CDer, as in in city. That does not mean an employer does not discriminate against an employee for the spouse's behavior. It is a fact of life. Boundaries change. Sometimes persons change their acceptance of the other behavior.

You and your SO will probably renegotiate your CDing activities in the future. As my CDing evolved my wife became uncomfortable with it. Dressing in a slinky negligee and stockings for bedroom play was one thing. Dressing in bras and slips was another, let alone evolving into wearing dresses, high heels and wigs.

I also established boundaries for myself. When I was still working I had to think about the consequences to myself if my CDing were to become public knowledge through some unfortunate event. I had to deal with hundreds of people on a one on one relationship every year. My ability to deal with them would be compromised. Also, my wife's employment would have become difficult.

Life is fluid. Nobody lives in a vacuum.

[Samantha Scott]

Thanks everyone for the replies, it's really got me thinking that we need to go through a few things again and determine where we stand with alot of things.

Stephanie - Her prior relationship ended after she caught her partner dressed and in bed with another CD. As you can imagine, because of this we had many discussions during the first few months of our relationship so that we could work out just where we stood with each other. I agree that a relationship needs to be renogotiated as time passes, it's just that maybe I'm realising that this is the first relationship that I really want to fight for, and will do just that. In the past I think it's been easier to just give up and walk away, but now things are different.

"From everything I see in the media, our children are counseled on acceptance of families with two daddies or two mommies. I've never seen anything bringing up the issue that a child may have a CDing daddy. Maybe your SO is becoming aware that a child may have issues beyond the child's control about CDing." This has crossed my mind and is something I want to bring up with her. If this is the case I will suggest we set out new boundaries, like no dressing around the children until they can understand properly. I think it has crossed her mind because sometimes if she is playing with her jewlery or clothes and put's them on our daughter, our daughter sometimes points at me and says "daddy", which we both know means our daughter wants me to play as well, and wear the jewlery or whatever. My SO's normal responses to this is "no, these are girls things". This is definatley defining the gender roles to me, which is something I don't want to do. If my daughter wants to follow a male dominated role, then whatever makes her happy I say.

Thank's very much for the advice and support.