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Kate
10-05-2005, 04:06 AM
Hi everyone. I have an urge to share what is happening to me at the moment... and hopefully some of you can relate to it...

As I mentioned in my first post (Confused, lost & seeking directions...) (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14923) I have only fairly recently started to get very serious about accepting that I am quite probably transsexual.

Two things seem to have massivly accelerated the process; first I was put on antidepressants (prozac) once my counsellor and GP figured out I was fairly badly depressed. A few weeks ago they really started kicking in - I have felt the grey fog lift, and I suddenly feel able to think more clearly about myself and really want to take control of my future. The other key event was my discovery of the full potential for FFS - I had never really realised what it could do before, and some initial possibilities from virtual FFS (http://www.virtualffs.co.uk/) (a truly wonderful service) have left me even more encouraged - especially after sharing the results with some close friends.

My world viewpoint has shifted. I have gone from being someone in a depressive pit who could see no hope in my future, to someone who wants to take control of her destiny and become the woman I so badly want to be. I spoke with my counsellor yesterday, and she seemed not only fairly unsurprised with this shift, but also highly supportive (although in no way leading of course) - more than I had expected.

Every day I seem to want to transition more and more. I have already -almost subconsciously- started changing my appearance & behaviour; loosing weight, growing nails, growing my hair, talking more softly, being more "bodily mobile" (hand gestures etc).... This run-away effect is both wonderful and terrifying.

However, despite feeling I want it so badly, I am not without doubts. One thing that has been worrying me for example, is that many people considering transition (here included) seem to be quite different to me - I have mostly lost my desire to cross-dress. It just depresses me now; I cannot forget that it is still "that" face & body behind the clothes and makeup (and I am in no way passable anyway). That said, I want to try and get a more androgenous wardrobe. I was never a serious CD'er to begin with either - I have never even really considered going out in public. As I mentioned, the largest part of my expressing my female personality has been via online envionments (games, MSN etc).

Should I be concerned that I seem to be a bit different in that respect? I seem to fit closely with the "definition" of a late-onset TS from this interesting commentary (http://www.genderweb.org/experien/obstg.html) so perhaps not...

*sighs* at the moment I just want to throw all caution to the wind and transition as fast as possible - even that seem like an eternity from here.

Thank you for listening...

Kate.

Kate
10-05-2005, 08:42 AM
Thank you Gracie. :)

The "different" thing just comes from the fact that so many people I see posting to forums like this who are considering transitioning also seem to be active crossdressers. I keep wondering if the fact that I cannot do whatever it is those girls do to tell themselves they look great as they are means that I'm not as committed as I think I am.

On the flip side, I have read other testimonies of girls who have fully transitioned and are totally happy and felt as I do; that they could never really be in their female role without FFS.

Kate.

GypsyKaren
10-06-2005, 05:10 AM
Hi Kate

You seem to be on the right path from being down in the dumps, I'm so happy for that. One thing you have to understand is that you are what you are inside, and no amount of changing yourself physically will change that. You shouldn't be depressed about seeing "that face" in the mirror, it's who you are and you should love yourself for it.

I've always considered myself a woman, but I have decided not to go all the way for various reasons, the main being that I love myself as is. I feel I would have nothing to gain by it. No amount of hormones or surgery could make me feel more feminine than I do now. As far as going out into the world as a woman, I already do that, so I'm quite happy.

Anyway, whatever path you choose to travel on, I wish you the best, and remember to love yourself. The world is so much brighter when you do.

GypsyKaren

Kate
10-06-2005, 08:42 AM
I am just not that strong, GypsyKaren. I want to be a woman, and to be able to be out in the world and interacting and making friends without people questioning that. I need to be accepted as a woman. I admire your and others' strength to see the beauty within and let that be enough, but I cannot.

As for my body.. I do not hate it, but I certainly do not love it. Equally I have never truly believed anyone can love me, which only now is making sense. If I could be accepted as a women though, then I could believe I could be loved. I want a body I can feel is my own. I want to be able to stand naked in front of a mirror and see the woman I feel should be there.

Rachel_740
10-06-2005, 11:15 AM
However, despite feeling I want it so badly, I am not without doubts. One thing that has been worrying me for example, is that many people considering transition (here included) seem to be quite different to me - I have mostly lost my desire to cross-dress. It just depresses me now; I cannot forget that it is still "that" face & body behind the clothes and makeup (and I am in no way passable anyway). That said, I want to try and get a more androgenous wardrobe. I was never a serious CD'er to begin with either - I have never even really considered going out in public. As I mentioned, the largest part of my expressing my female personality has been via online envionments (games, MSN etc).


Kate,

You're not that different to others here. By the time I transitioned I wasn't cross-dressing, I was being myself in what I wore. As for 'that face and body', again I still have the same face and body. 12 months ago I had a beard shadow that was enough for ALL the men in the world. A bit of laser treatment and a bit of make-up goes a long way. There are people (especially GG's) who see through my mask - you can see it in the way they look at you - but transition initially is something where you have make the best of things. It's not easy to go round trying to look like a woman when you have the worlds heaviest beard shadow and not very long hair (that's where I was last January), but I just kept telling myself when I went out that I wasn't doing anything I hadn't done before and the cream on the cake was that I was the person I've always known I've been - which made it all worthwhile.

As time has passed, the laser treatment has done a wonderful job, my hair has grown to a sensible length and to most people who pass me in the street I'm just another person - I don't stick out like a sore thumb to them.

With my genitals, I'm just playing the waiting game in the knowledge that my op is now just a few months away (won't have a date until early next year) and then I will really be the person I should have been, without this extra appendage.

Anne

DonnaT
10-06-2005, 11:59 AM
The "different" thing just comes from the fact that so many people I see posting to forums like this who are considering transitioning also seem to be active crossdressers. I keep wondering if the fact that I cannot do whatever it is those girls do to tell themselves they look great as they are means that I'm not as committed as I think I am.

Kate, crossdressing is what we do. The label crossdresser identifies what we do.

What we are, however, really has no label, but the one most often used is transgendered, wherein TG is an umbrella term that covers the whole spectrum of CD/TV/TS.

You do not have to crossdress to be TS.

You might want to read the book True Selves (http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0787902713/104-1800754-0613504?v=glance&n=283155&v=glance) for more understanding in transexualism.

Kate
10-07-2005, 02:53 AM
It's ok to progress slowly.

Oh Gods, but I do not want to. Every day at the moment I more desperately want to start the transition process. I feel that I have wasted so much of my life already and I cannot bear to wait any longer than I must.

I told my wife last night. She was devastated initially, but now sees some glimmer of hope in that she feels perhaps there is a "middle ground" where I could be part-time. She does not understand... yet.

Kate.

Vaerise
10-10-2005, 08:25 AM
I have not been very active in the forums recently, but seeing that you have come to terms with being TS seems to be a great change for the better. I do hope that you will be to transition successfully and fast. :)

Rachel_740
10-10-2005, 09:40 AM
Oh Gods, but I do not want to. Every day at the moment I more desperately want to start the transition process. I feel that I have wasted so much of my life already and I cannot bear to wait any longer than I must.

I told my wife last night. She was devastated initially, but now sees some glimmer of hope in that she feels perhaps there is a "middle ground" where I could be part-time. She does not understand... yet.

Kate.

Kate,

As you make moves to transition to full-time, followed by the appointments you need and ultimately surgery, it seems to be a long road. It's over a year ago I first spoke to personel and my manager at work about my plans, and it barely seems 5 minutes. I have been full time for 9 months and I'm hoping for the op in another 7 months. Time really does fly past and you soon run out of it.

Don't get too impatient.

Anne

Lauren_T
10-10-2005, 09:55 AM
Something that occurred with me, and I noticed the same thing happen to a couple others here, is that as I moved toward the opposite gender, the closer I got to the middle, the more the pressure to continue dropped off... and now I've found my comfort zone & I'm (mostly) content to be androgynous - of course, I'm first and foremost a realist, and I know that I'd never pass, so that's a factor with me that others don't necessarily share...:confused:

Natasha Anne
10-10-2005, 03:01 PM
This is an interesting comment you make.

A while back I guess I too was attempting to be way more feminine than I actually am. I was not attempting to be a charicature of a women, like many of my CD friends, but I was averse to many of the casual clothing styles, preferring evening dresses and obviously feminine things to anything closer to the "gender divide".

As I start to transition, pants, simple shorts and casual clothing form a greater part of my wardrobe. I'm still obviously on the female side of the "divide" and am 100% commited to transitioning, but being overtly feminine is no longer something I try to do, I just incorporate whatever I'm comfortable with into my wardrobe and repetoire. By comfortable, I mean things I do without thinking about them.

I guess as we accept ourselves, no matter where on the spectrum we reside, we tend to want to prove ourselves less and be ourselves more, so acceptance takes over, we define our own sense of style and our own personalities. Much like teenage girls do. Teenage boys too I guess, but I don't think it is as obvious in them. Teenage girls experiement with weird and over the top fashions and behaviours before slowly settling into the person they are to become and living there lives from then on.


Something that occurred with me, and I noticed the same thing happen to a couple others here, is that as I moved toward the opposite gender, the closer I got to the middle, the more the pressure to continue dropped off... and now I've found my comfort zone & I'm (mostly) content to be androgynous - of course, I'm first and foremost a realist, and I know that I'd never pass, so that's a factor with me that others don't necessarily share...:confused: