I can't fight this feeling anymore

[abigailf]

- I can't sing, but that's the song in my head -

This forum has been wonderful. It really helped me to grow. I have read many posts and I always get strength from them. Now I would like share and express some of my feelings about where I am.

So, where to begin… This of course is written from my perspective of MtF, however, I would imagine much would cross boundaries.

It’s funny. I often hear “I dress because I feel like a girl inside.” I guess that is the easy way to describe it, but when I think about it, it is actually reverse. I don’t feel right or good, unless I am feeling feminine. What I mean is, I don’t dress “because” I feel like a girl. I dress because it helps me to feel feminine and that to me feels right or good.

I also heard that if you hate your “privates” it is a sign you may be wanting or needing to transition. I am not sure what that means. Hate is a very strong word to me and I use it sparingly while most people use it as a simile for “dislike”. Do I hate them? Well, no. Do I dislike them? Let’s just say I am not very happy about them (except for the euphoria it can generate from time to time.)

Okay, so let me back up a bit. I won’t go too far back as my story is much like the rest of you. I have known since I was 15 that I was “different”. I am now 47 and hey, I am still different. I had a much stronger will in my youth and with school, work and family, it was easy to shrug off my feminine desires (tempered by the occasional dressing up).

I guess I was about 43 when the $#!~ hit the fan. There definitely was no linear curve here. This thing just went parabolic at my mid-life crisis time. Getting a motorcycle didn’t help. All the times I dressed up prior was by sneaking into my mom’s or sisters or wife’s things or wearing the lingerie that was given to me from a friend who worked at a factory that made the stuff. Of course, he gave them to me to give to my girlfriends. He had no idea I was the girlfriend I gave them to. After 43 (or around then, my memory needs an upgrade), I started buying my own things.

I started buying lingerie, then onto shoes and then clothing. I finally managed to go out in public dressed at 45. That is when it clicked for me that I was not dealing with a fetish. Now as I reflect, I think I always knew it was more, I think I just didn’t want it to be the case. So I came out to my wife shortly after. She was stunned of course and the fact that I often slept with her (and I mean sleep) in lingerie did not clue her in at all. She was still stunned.

Well, now at 47, I go out and engage in public often and will do my normal errands and stuff as Abigail. Hah, once I went to the bank to make a deposit and the teller (yea, I know “teller” is not PC) called me by my wife’s name. I guess they thought I was her. That felt nice.

I love to shop for woman’s clothes and do it in either male of female mode. However, I am not sure I actually have a mode. I think if I had to delineate between my modes, it would be whether I have forms on or not. Otherwise, I’m just me; a girl born with a birth defect of incorrect gender chromosomes (and accompanying parts).

I never buy men’s clothing anymore. I most always wear woman’s clothes. If I don’t want to look too girly because I plan to be around people who know me as a guy, I will wear my woman’s things that look more neutral (or masculine). Sometimes I mix it up, like wearing girl shorts and a guy tee for example. Sounds crazy I know, why wear woman’s clothes that make you look masculine. I don’t know, I just like it better than the alternative of wearing men’s things. Heck, I don’t even have many guy things anymore; a few tees, dockers, couple jeans, three sports jackets and a suit (the wedding/funeral suit).

I have also altered my appearance over the last couple years by shaving, waxing and doing all those cosmopolitan things. My nails are always polished, usually in a light pale pink so as not to draw attention. Only when I plan to go out as Abigail I will go bold, but afterwards, back to a light pale pink. I keep them as long as I can too (to the break point). I have long thick hair that I now die and I wear makeup regularly. Generally just a little lip gloss, mascara and brow definer (to color out the gray) and sometimes concealer to cover blemishes. When I dress up, I will do full facial makeup. My ears are not yet pierced (this is at the request of my wife and to my chagrin).

I have feminine mannerisms from the way I walk to the way I tilt my head when I talk. I am pretty good at switching back and forth when need be, but sometimes I need to consciously think about acting like a guy when I am around family and friends.

I am sometimes mistaken as girl even when I was not dressing up. At least initially until a more thorough inspection shows otherwise. That always gets me to smile.

So, why am I explaining all of this…

Well lately, I have been stressing out big time. I swear I am going to explode. I have lost focus. I have no desire to get out of bed or go to work. I don’t even run much anymore. I am typically running three times a week. I am so out of focus that I won’t even get on my motorcycle. That would be a recipe for disaster. I sometimes feel that I “hate” (as I would use the word) my life.

Now, I don’t really get that last part. I mean, I had a great life so far. I come from a great family. I have a wife, kids, a home and a good job. What is not to like? Well, it’s not that I don’t like those things, I do, I love them. I guess I just don’t love me. I am wrong I know it, I feel it.

I have already checked out mentally. I don’t care who knows or finds out. Although I hide it at my wife’s request. It would probably stun and devastate her side of the family when they find out. I am sure most people will be stunned. I have always been the type of person to be concerned about how others feel and acted accordingly. But this is killing me and I don’t know if I can continue this way. At the rate I am going I’ll be lucky to make it to 50. Is that possible, can stress be fatal like that? (Note: I am not suicidal).

I feel as though I would love nothing more than transition. Every morning I resolve to move in that direction and it gives me peace. I can then get up and start my day with a smile. The activities of the day however remind me that it may not be an easy task and perhaps crossdressing will be enough. Then the stress comes back. Lately however, even this has not been working, I guess I can only fool myself for so long before I catch on.

It would be nice if there was a pill I can take to make this all go away.

I can’t imagine that I am alone in this. I am sure others have felt the same way, or still do. And whether you are FtM or MtF and have gone through anything similar, I would like to hear from you. Do you have any advice on how to deal with this? Will I need to consider transitioning more seriously? Do I just grin and bear it, suck it up and move to the next day? What?

I would love to hear all your thoughts and experiences. Despite any feedback I may get, just writing this out was very helpful. It is definitely something to talk about at my next appointment with the therapist.

[Melody Moore]

It would be nice if there was a pill I can take to make this all go away.
There are a number of pills that will make the Gender Dysphoria to go away, the only problem is though
you will also grow breasts & feminise even more & look like a woman. Ever thought of accepting what is
going on instead of fighting it? I know you made a promise to your wife that you also know that you could
never keep & you have the kids & the home, but it's important to keep your peace-of-mind & sanity intact
here through being happy or you are no good to your family anyway. I think its time you had a good long
talk to the wife & came to some type of compromise before life becomes more complex & harder to deal with.

[Aprilrain]

Two words GENDER THERAPIST. I think many of us have felt what your feeling. Sometimes I still want it to go away (but not really) I just get depressed and start wallowing in self pity. other times it cannot happen fast enough, some times I just want to swallow my entire prescription of estrogen at once (that won't do anything good BTW its just a metaphor). If you decide that you need to transition be prepared to lose everything. I have lost very little and actually my life is borderline mundane which is painful for someone like me who craves excitement, that is a separate issue though. But I was willing to lose it all because it was killing me doing nothing. I look back on the person I was 9 months ago and am floored at how different things are now so much better in so many ways yet so the same in many other ways. It has been painful at times and sublimely beautiful at others but one thing I don't regret Is any of it. Sometimes when I'm really feeling down I think 'screw this i should just go back to being a male' except I'm still going to grow my hair long, I'm not going to stop taking hormones, I reserve the right to dress as a female whenever i want which is all the time, I still like boys so if that makes me Gay whatever!, and I still want to be called April and prefer female pronouns. : ) I'm just a girl but i guess i still have some latent fight in me.

[Kelsy]

Two words GENDER THERAPIST. I think many of us have felt what your feeling. Sometimes I still want it to go away (but not really) I just get depressed and start wallowing in self pity. other times it cannot happen fast enough, some times I just want to swallow my entire prescription of estrogen at once (that won't do anything good BTW its just a metaphor). If you decide that you need to transition be prepared to lose everything. I have lost very little and actually my life is borderline mundane which is painful for someone like me who craves excitement, that is a separate issue though. But I was willing to lose it all because it was killing me doing nothing. I look back on the person I was 9 months ago and am floored at how different things are now so much better in so many ways yet so the same in many other ways. It has been painful at times and sublimely beautiful at others but one thing I don't regret Is any of it. Sometimes when I'm really feeling down I think 'screw this i should just go back to being a male' except I'm still going to grow my hair long, I'm not going to stop taking hormones, I reserve the right to dress as a female whenever i want which is all the time, I still like boys so if that makes me Gay whatever!, and I still want to be called April and prefer female pronouns. : ) I'm just a girl but i guess i still have some latent fight in me.

I struggle with these exact issues and I would be lost without my Therapist! Best advice - see a Therapist. There are days that I too want this to go away - desperately! Then I turn around and find incredible peace in my female self. Transition is hard not transitioning is harder.

[karenhunni]

al i can say is i feel exactly the same way , you could even have been describing my life .

[Wendy_Marie]

"I don’t feel right or good, unless I am feeling feminine. What I mean is, I don’t dress “because” I feel like a girl. I dress because it helps me to feel feminine and that to me feels right or good."

As good a description as I have ever heard....good post OOOXXXOOO

[Diane Elizabeth]

Many aspects of your story mirrors mine. I am about 10 years oldere when it hit me. I have had suicide thoughts in the past. My SO is waiting for this to pass. I got on HRT last year and it has helped. Most of my clothes are female. I am not out and fear the devastation of when I do. My family are not the type to understand or have compassion. Neither would my SO family (which I am not close to). I do not wear forms any more but I always wear a bra (sports bra at work). I want more though. The anxiety of wanting to be a woman can be overwhelming at times. My SO won't treat me as I want to be. I fear that the anguish of transitioning will be too much for me. I , at times want to go back to be the miserable mouse I was. I know I am happier when I am dressed but fear has immobilized me (it feels like no progress) to move to full time. I am working on this with my therpist.

As I said I am happier when I am dressed. I usually try for to go androgist (at work or with SO) so I am addressed as a female. I get frustrated with the slow pace of hair removal. My electrolysist says I need to get a couple of days bread so she can work on it. I hate (not dislike) the hairy feeling on my face. I don't want to be seen as a bearded lady.

I am sure your story has been through the web site a thousand (or more) times. Many of us are with you in your dilemma.

[JustWendy]

Abigail - In the time I've known you on this forum, I've noticed the changes in your appearance and your posts. I know how important your wife and kids are to you, and I understand and relate to that part of you who has been and struggles to continue to be that strong responsible "rock" for all of them. You've spent your life putting the needs of others ahead of your own. You're conflicted because you can no more run away from that guy than you can the girl in your avatar. If only everyone in your life would walk up to you, give you a hug, and say, "you've done so much for us, now it's your time." I'm glad you're talking to someone about this. Please be safe and well.

Wendy

[Kaitlyn Michele]

OMG sweetie...it's like you took one of my posts from 2 years ago....it was killing me too, but i would never take my life or even consider it...but that just made me feel trapped and more miserable...it was like torture..

I was 43 when i started my "arc"...i like that word to describe people that approach or hit middle age, and all the walls and defenses come tumbling down.. It is SOOOOO freaking common...i started dressing more, my marriage ended, i started going out dressed, i stopped buying male clothes, i told my mom about "stuff", i started letting my nails grow, shaving my body, i started to make tg friends, and finally got to a therapist...all this happened between 43-47

I'm 49 now, i am transitioned and although i lost my marraige, my family is doing much better than i ever hoped... i did lose my job (i wanted to at the time...i had totally checked out, i was incapable of producing good work), so money is starting to get tight

You will benefit from intensive help..a therapist, a transwoman that has been through it...somebody to comfort you, to teach you, and to provide the "real" info you need to do whats right for you...my epiphany came when i had dinner with a group of transitioned women...

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Hi Abigail!

I too have the same problem, in the same boat, have the same story and song. Even though my wife and I have agreed no wearing womans clothes. I still tuck, keep my nails long, hair on the long side with all the curls, and shave in places that men don't. You are not alone we all have a very similar story. I would go through boughts of self castration and up until I came out it got very serious. Now the desire is there but very faint since coming out. The hated for my male parts is down. Coming to terms with who you really are even though it goes against what you were taught, how you were raised, and what even the world expects is a horrific internal battle. I am a woman trapped by a twist of fate in a male body, now I am trying to correct that and set things right. Remember you are not alone!

Hugs

[~Seana~]

Well what can i say but to echo what the rest have said. I'm 43 now. It's well over 25 years when a fascination with womens panties made me stash them. I ended one 13 year realtionship with 2 children because she belittled my hidden dressing and met a poly girl who I think i told about dressing the first week. In the five years since I met her weve been married shehas supported and encouraged every part of my dressing.
In that time I've followed the typical "recipe" for someone due to transition. My Dad died two years ago from lewy body disease, and my mother suddenly last year. That's about when I started wearing pretty much all womens clothing at work though ambiguous.
I've known I've been following a path for some time.My hair is grown out and I'm starting electrolysis, my ears pierced and brows plucked. I only had to look in the mirror to know where i identified and it's a really uncomfortable feeling knowing that your way is paved and not paying any attention to the objections of your conscious mind.
A week or so ago there was a minor dispute with my employer.They sent me home without any prior notice for wearing shorts to the office in june.Ironically they were mens shorts as i didnt have any female ones of appropriate length but I have been mixing in some female clothing for a long time.
Because they had changed the dress code withno prior notice, I was eventually paid for the time I went home. But I came back entirely female and have been since. I've let several people including HR know I identify as trangendered and have had zero issues in fact I question if anyone noticed.And Capris actually are in policy so I'll get several of those for summer.
I'm still a dad to 4 children, 3 withme and one with their mom, and one of those four is autistic. I still have barriers mostly financial. The family truck needs a headgasket, I deal with childcare issues, and cant afford a psychiatrist so no hormones for me for a bit. I make do on my own and make my steps and present more . and more every day
Do I hate my penis? No. I'll likely never have bottom surgery.Will i die a woman? Most definitely. I'm a transexual, and my story will probably echo many others. Getting over the fear and just doing it will come with the help of a psychiatrist eventually or maybe really soon if i keep on my current path. I apparently dont get to choose or i would not be doing this. I'm a transexual and there is a certain amount of wisdom to the theory about one's bell going off.Mines been clanging in my ear quite loudly for a while now.
I dont have to be in a hurry ,but i have acceptance even if I still get clocked. I know where i need to go to fix it, but cant afford to but it will come.

I've recently changed my girl name to Seana. Amanda will be disappearing and I wont require a legal name change because Sean is one of my first names and it's close enough for me . It is also what I was called until 12.There's little doubt where I'm going just the speed at which I will get there. I suspect of me you will see patterns in mine just as i have in yours, because we are the same, Transgender.


Seana

[Badtranny]

I'm not going to stop taking hormones, I reserve the right to dress as a female whenever i want which is all the time, I still like boys so if that makes me Gay whatever!, and I still want to be called April and prefer female pronouns. : ) I'm just a girl but i guess i still have some latent fight in me.

Oh April, I think you're adorable. Like a fiesty kitten that doesn't want to be held.

My sincere wish for all of my sisters is that we stay strong.

I might be a pansy, but I'm not a coward. ;-)

[kristinacd55]

Hey Abigail, I think you definitely need to consider transitioning. It seems like your thoughts are just throwing off your entire focus towards it. I can't give you any insight personally because I'm not in the same boat as you but do have gf's who are.
Definitely something to explore with your therapist! Lots of luck to you girl!

[danielleb]

Hi Abigal,

I think you already know all the answers you're looking for within, but like so many of us you're letting the battle of rationality and logic overcome your true emotional desire. From all the stories I've heard or read (including my own experience), it seems that the vast majority of us can only overcome the social stigma of being transsexual by first feeling that we are in such a low place that we stand to have little to lose and more to gain. It sounds as though you are subconciously forcing yourself into that position right now. I wish I could tell you to just cast off all doubt and push ahead (which is defineitely what you should do!), but you have to accept everything in your own head in your own time.

Keep reminding yourself that if you sit around and continue to act lathargic, not only will you have to go out and buy all new clothes (which may be what you want, sort of :D ), but you won't be able to wear any of your favorites anymore!:eek: I spent over a year in bed (due in part to injury) and I'm scared to death of gaining weight! (even though I've actually lost some, but I've also lost a ton of muscle, but enough of my own neurosis:battingeyelashes:) So get back out there, pull yourself together, and follow your heart! If you act and feel like everything is right in the world, it will be, but you can't deny yourself those things you may not want to conciously pay attention to.:hugs:

[abigailf]

Wow! It was said that misery loves company. Not that I wish misery on anyone, but it is comforting to know that I’m not alone and that what I feel is, well, normal for someone in my position. Of course, I knew I was’t alone in this, but it really feels good to see it in print.

Thank you all for your responses and your stories. It was an emotional roller coaster for me to read, but it felt good. A good cry usually feels good.

I can’t tell you what is going to happen in the next few years. I don’t know if I will begin to transition or find some way of coping, but I can tell you for sure that it is going to be an interesting journey. I am thankful that you all will be here to help me through it.

I will discuss this with my therapist and it is time I had a good heartfelt talk with my wife. The tears will flow, but I supposed that is both inevitable and a necessity.

I think I will go for a run tomorrow.

Thank you all so very much.

Love Abigail

[JessicaD]

I feel as though I would love nothing more than transition. Every morning I resolve to move in that direction and it gives me peace. I can then get up and start my day with a smile. The activities of the day however remind me that it may not be an easy task and perhaps crossdressing will be enough. Then the stress comes back. Lately however, even this has not been working, I guess I can only fool myself for so long before I catch on.

You said it right their thats exactly how i feel and even more recently ive had the feeling just constantly hitting me over the head. ill try and block it out but it still remains. Almost like a baby crying and you try to ignore it but in the back of your mind you still hear that retching sound (lol sorry i have kids so i dont mean anything negative towards babies)

So i know what your mean totally i really need to get in and see a therapist im just worried about the issue of $$$ i think its pretty expensive.

[Badtranny]

Ladies, ladies, ladies, especially Abby and Jessie,

It is what it is. You are who you are. If you really feel like transitioning is what you need then get busy getting busy. It's a hell of a thing to embark on, but consider it to be a trial by fire. If you can make it through the transition than the rest of your life ought to be easy right? Don't worry about what "might" happen, or what it "might" cost, in fact don't worry about anything. Worry is for people who give a damn, and I'm here to tell you that there is not a successful transition-er who gives a damn about mights and maybe's.

Jessica, if you think therapy is expensive, than find other ways. I don't believe every T-girl needs therapy to help with the "decision" but I did, and I think anyone who isn't sure about the decision definitely does. Therapy is probably a good idea for anyone going through this process if you don't have great friends to unload on, and who in turn can be brutally honest with you.

There are some CD's out there (I've met them) that are tragically deluded and believe that transitioning will solve all of their problems. It won't. The only problems I have anymore are dealing with my transition and believe me, if I had other issues to deal with concurrently, I honestly don't think I could do it. Solve your other problems first, get a clean slate then tackle the biggest change of your life.

Abigail, your situation sounds promising. I get concerned about the girls who have a laundry list of terrible things going on in their lives and seem to be looking for a way out. Those of us with great lives who should otherwise be happy owe it to ourselves to find out what it is that is holding us back. When I started with my therapist, I told her that I didn't want her to rubber stamp my "letter". I wanted her honest opinion of my condition and I wanted her to sign off that I wasn't crazy, before I went and did something crazy. I even admitted that I wasn't even sure what this gender identity stuff was all about. I told her I had never been a cross-dresser until a few months before I saw her. I was as honest as I could possibly be. The walls were down, I wanted her honest assessment.

Talk to your therapist for real. This is no time to be coy or pretentious. This is your life and if you need to make a change than start taking steps. Baby steps, but get moving.

[Kelsy]

I wanted her honest opinion of my condition and I wanted her to sign off that I wasn't crazy, before I went and did something crazy. . I was as honest as I could possibly be. The walls were down, I wanted her honest assessment.

Talk to your therapist for real. This is no time to be coy or pretentious. .

Being honest with your therapist is the most important thing to do! Best advice! I preface many statements to mine with "am I crazy if" I have even asked her straight on if she thinks I'm crazy because let's face it GID makes you feel like you've lost your mind at times. Alot of people who have little understanding of what we experience think exactly that!

[Jay Cee]

Abigail, you are so not alone, even if it sometimes feels like you are. I am just starting to come to terms with my TG / TS scenario. I've started therapy, and attending meetings at a support group. I'm doing small things to keep my sanity (polished nails, women's or androgynous clothing, and so on) but the internal battle is pretty brutal at times. We all carry on the best we can, because it is all that we can do.

I know it is difficult, but try to worry less about what others think, and focus on what is good for you.


Well lately, I have been stressing out big time. I swear I am going to explode. I have lost focus. I have no desire to get out of bed or go to work. I don’t even run much anymore. I am typically running three times a week. I am so out of focus that I won’t even get on my motorcycle. That would be a recipe for disaster. I sometimes feel that I “hate” (as I would use the word) my life.

Sounds like depression. It is time to book an appointment with a gender therapist NOW! You need some strategies and advice on how to deal with this, girl.


Is that possible, can stress be fatal like that? Yes, it can, but not in a pleasant way. Probably not the quick death that some of us have probably wished for at some time or another. It can certainly crank up your blood pressure, cause sleeplessness, and generally deteriorate your health.


...If only everyone in your life would walk up to you, give you a hug, and say, "you've done so much for us, now it's your time."...

That. Right there. Why aren't people like that?


. Even though my wife and I have agreed no wearing womans clothes.

That is patently unfair, no matter what small "concessions" she has made.


Abigail, we are all sending a big :hug: your way. Please let us know how you are doing.

[Hope]

It is past time for you to see a gender therapist. if you haven't had this conversation with your regular therapist yet, you need to, and then ask her for a referral to someone with experience in working with gender issues. Past time.

BTW - you hate your life because you resent it. Your job, your family, your toys - all great fun things that you love - are all the things that are keeping you from transitioning. You know you will be tossing a hand-grenade in the middle of your life when you come out and that you will loose some, if not most of those things. You aren't willing to give them up yet, so they are a source of resentment - which makes them impossible to enjoy.

Go see a therapist. It is past time.

And believe me - if this IS the right choice for you - the toys and the career are not worth it. It is Sooooo much better being the real person instead of living the lie. But you won't know if this is right for you until you see the therapist and do the work.