Came out to friends, and now I'm worried...

[Sophie86]

I have two friends that I've known since I was in high school. One was my roommate in college, and has been one of my best friends since we first met in HS. His wife was friends with one of my sisters, and I've known her for about as long as I have him. My wife works at his company, and his wife and I sometimes meetup for "homeschooling mom" type stuff. The four of us take vacations together, attend plays during season, and go camping a couple of times a year. In short, we're VERY good friends. The first time I did Halloween in drag, they walked around trick-or-treating with us. Last year, we all went to a pre-Halloween masquerade ball with me in drag. There have been jokes made that I thought came pretty close to making it obvious that crossdressing was a thing with me, but they've never come straight out and asked, and I haven't said it flat out. I didn't want to give them a bunch of information that they would be uncomfortable hearing. I can go on a bit once I get started, as you've probably already figured out.

But I don't have any reason to think they would mind. One of our favorite things to do when we were young was attend the late night showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show. We knew all the lines. More recently, we attended a live performance of the play version, and had a lot of fun with that. They were the ones who introduced me to Eddie Izzard, and they have every video he's ever put out. So it seems like they would be very accepting, right?

This past month, I've met up with my friend's wife a few times at a local spring that the homeschoolers like to frequent during the summer. Two of those times I had my toenails painted (dark blue one time, light blue the other). She didn't say anything to me about it, but we talked a good bit about other things. I figured she had noticed, but I never caught her staring.

She definitely noticed, though, because the next day (this past Friday) my friend came up to my wife at work, told her that his wife had noticed my toenails and was wondering what was up with me. My wife couldn't talk to him about it right then, so she said she would talk to him later. Then she told me about it, so that night I emailed the two of them, and told them. Well, first I just said it was my way of pushing back against what guys are allowed to wear in public, and that if I were as funny as Eddie Izzard or could sing like David Bowie, I'd probably get away with a lot more. My friend responded something "okay, my wife was just wondering what the story was." So then I wrote back that it was pretty much the same as Eddie Izzard's except for the cache of makeup and the squirrel. I explained that I thought they'd already figured it out, and that I wasn't trying to be secretive, but I didn't want to give them TMI.

It's twenty four hours later, and I haven't gotten a reply, so now I'm worried. I don't think they would just drop me as a friend, but I'm really afraid of a distance developing between us. :sad:

I suppose I'll give them another day to respond, and then send another email.

Have any of you had friends go cold on you after coming out to them?

[jaqueline1]

they probably haven't gotten over the initial shock yet. it's one thing suspecting you cd... but then finding out you really do cd.. just give it time

[t-girlxsophie]

Ive never told our close friends about my dressing ,Have told workmates only after careful consideration.Never really had any go cold on me,basically those that I think need to know about me,I have told

could be your friends arent sure yet how to respond,hopefully they will be cool,I suspect they will

Sophie

[Badtranny]

Sophie,

Congratulations you came out! Now just stay strong and don't go back in!!!

The most important thing I learned when I first started coming out, (first as gay, then as trans) was to just treat it like it's no big deal. Don't be ashamed or embarrassed by who you are. Don't let somebody else shame you. Just laugh it off. I find that making fun of myself really helps people to relax and get comfortable with the whole idea.

DON'T BE CREEPY!

Be very approachable, be fun. I work in a VERY macho type profession and I'm out as gay to everyone who cares to know. (I'm out to some as TS but I could never transition in that job anyway) Anyway, when one of the alpha male guys that works for me comes in whining about something, I just remind them who the queer in the room is and tell them they're acting like a bigger pansy than me.

I admit I'm shocked at the level of acceptance I've been getting, but I really think it's because of the "no creepy" rule.
Just be who you are, loud and proud.

Your friends will find you endlessly fascinating, I promise.

[JessicaMiller]

hang in there, having gone through a very similar situation recently myself, it may just take your friends a couple of days or weeks to allow this to sink in. I have a good feeling that everything will turn out ok. Its not like you told them you were an ax murderer.

[Stephanie47]

I've had "friends" and family go cold on issues less controversial than cross-dressing. Once the genie is out of the bottle, she can't be put back in. A snowball rolling down a hill tends to get bigger, i.e., more and more people will be let in on any little secret. I've had people share their opinions with me which I may abhor, but, I choose to ignore them because I cannot change them. Then, there a people who I have stopped associating with because their opinions really cross the line. So, maybe your friends are contemplating the information you unloaded on them, and, ultimately they will not change their relationship with you. And, maybe an unintended recipient of the new information will take a different slant on the new information.

[Sophie86]

Its not like you told them you were an ax murderer.

Well... that was the other part of the conversation I didn't tell ya'll about. You think it might have made a difference? :straightface:

.
.


:heehee:

Thanks for the advice folks. I'm hoping they just got busy with stuff, and didn't have time to type up a complete response. I dunno. We'll see. I'll let ya'll know how it turns out.

[Danni Renee]

Sophie, I hope things work out. After reading your story, I think you may have given them a shock but I have a feeling they will come around. You don't just drop someone that are as close as it seems yor families are without something more. Good luck.

[Julie S]

Like everyone else Sophie I'm sure they are just taking time to consider a response.

Hopefully things will be fine for you.

J xx

[eluuzion]

It takes some time to notify everyone at work, other friends, the high school reunion committee, local papers, print signs, buy torches/fuel/stakes/rope/red paint, organize the witch-hunt, etc. Be patient, they will get back to you soon enough...:D

Hey, as mentioned, people need time to digest "interesting" new developments (particularly since Oprah is gone). First they think in terms of gossip potential; then they quickly start assessing any potential impact on their lives which is always in the forefront of most peoples' minds.

Give them time, they will respond in their own stride (or not at all, which is also a response). It is an effective way to discover the true nature of your "friends", for sure. You appear to be a resilient person so I would imagine you will find each "reaction" to be very interesting.

Good Luck :hugs:

:love:

[Claire Cook]

Like everyone else Sophie I'm sure they are just taking time to consider a response.
Hopefully things will be fine for you.

J xx

That would be my guess. Plus folks may have other things to worry about besides whether a friend CD's. For my part, I've found it easier to tell friends and neighbors before they see me -- that way I don't have to worry about giving them a coronary when they see me out and about.

[cd_in_de]

I have two friends that I've known since I was in high school. One was my roommate in college, and has been one of my best friends since we first met in HS. His wife was friends with one of my sisters, and I've known her for about as long as I have him. My wife works at his company, and his wife and I sometimes meetup for "homeschooling mom" type stuff. The four of us take vacations together, attend plays during season, and go camping a couple of times a year. In short, we're VERY good friends. The first time I did Halloween in drag, they walked around trick-or-treating with us. Last year, we all went to a pre-Halloween masquerade ball with me in drag. There have been jokes made that I thought came pretty close to making it obvious that crossdressing was a thing with me, but they've never come straight out and asked, and I haven't said it flat out. I didn't want to give them a bunch of information that they would be uncomfortable hearing. I can go on a bit once I get started, as you've probably already figured out.

But I don't have any reason to think they would mind. One of our favorite things to do when we were young was attend the late night showings of Rocky Horror Picture Show. We knew all the lines. More recently, we attended a live performance of the play version, and had a lot of fun with that. They were the ones who introduced me to Eddie Izzard, and they have every video he's ever put out. So it seems like they would be very accepting, right?

This past month, I've met up with my friend's wife a few times at a local spring that the homeschoolers like to frequent during the summer. Two of those times I had my toenails painted (dark blue one time, light blue the other). She didn't say anything to me about it, but we talked a good bit about other things. I figured she had noticed, but I never caught her staring.

She definitely noticed, though, because the next day (this past Friday) my friend came up to my wife at work, told her that his wife had noticed my toenails and was wondering what was up with me. My wife couldn't talk to him about it right then, so she said she would talk to him later. Then she told me about it, so that night I emailed the two of them, and told them. Well, first I just said it was my way of pushing back against what guys are allowed to wear in public, and that if I were as funny as Eddie Izzard or could sing like David Bowie, I'd probably get away with a lot more. My friend responded something "okay, my wife was just wondering what the story was." So then I wrote back that it was pretty much the same as Eddie Izzard's except for the cache of makeup and the squirrel. I explained that I thought they'd already figured it out, and that I wasn't trying to be secretive, but I didn't want to give them TMI.

It's twenty four hours later, and I haven't gotten a reply, so now I'm worried. I don't think they would just drop me as a friend, but I'm really afraid of a distance developing between us. :sad:

I suppose I'll give them another day to respond, and then send another email.

Have any of you had friends go cold on you after coming out to them?

I would just give them time to get over the initial shock. It's just like anything shocking you learn about somebody you know: you get over it and it becomes just a bit of trivia about that person.

[cd_in_de]

I have gone out with my toenails painted and wearing sandals more than a few times. Nobody stared :-O As such, that leads me to wonder how common is it for men to have secretly painted toenails in their shoes - since nobody stared at mine.

[Dawn cd]

Sophie,

Because they're such good friends, and for such a long time, you need to reach out to them and help them understand. I think it would be a mistake to sit around passively while they digest the information. For friends one goes the extra mile. If they're nearby, go over and talk to them. Give them a chance to ask all their questions. Let them see you're still you--that you care for them enough to reveal yourself to them. It may be difficult, but I think they will appreciate it.

[gender_blender]

Don't be a creeper and don't expect a reply. I would just give it a little time to sink in.

[Fab Karen]

Well... that was the other part of the conversation I didn't tell ya'll about. You think it might have made a difference? :straightface:

.
.


:heehee:


I don't do axe-murdering-
I found it's a BITCH to clean up.:)

[Stephenie S]

I agree with others here.

Don't worry about it. You told them. Relax. They don't HAVE to respond. Just keep right on being the good friend you have always been since HS.

S

[Barbra P]

It takes some time to notify everyone at work, other friends, the high school reunion committee, local papers, print signs, buy torches/fuel/stakes/rope/red paint, organize the witch-hunt, etc. Be patient, they will get back to you soon enough...:D
:love:

OMG, and finding a rail, tar, and feathers in this day and age takes some real time.

Sophie

Like many of the others, I think they may just be trying to come to grips with your announcement and contemplating how to respond. I also agree with Dawn, you’ve been friends a long time and it sounds like there is a bond between the four of you, and a lot of interaction not only socially but work related. I’m not sure this was the best subject to be broached with an Email. I too would suggest that the four of you get together and discuss this issue.

Today being Father’s Day might be awkward but I suggest having them over for a backyard barbecue, or coffee if you’re not the barbecue type, and if not today then ASAP. I’m quite sure they have questions and you have one too, how is this revelation going to affect your friendship of many years. They probably can’t answer your question until you have answered all of theirs. Be totally honest with them and above board and don’t try and duck any of their questions. There will probably be some questions that you can’t answer, none of know why we are like we are, medical science hasn’t figured that out yet. But they are now probably wondering if you are gay, that is one of the first thoughts that pop into most people’s minds. Tell them no, you are not gay, and the percentage of gay crossdressers isn’t any higher than the general population – many researchers believe it may be even less.

I suspect that your friendship will hold up, that this couple is not going to go cold on you, but one never knows some people have ingrained hatreds and prejudices, mostly learned from their ignorant parents, that they just can’t get passed. However, I think over the years you’d have become aware of any such feelings in your friend. My gut-feeling is that everything is going to work out and I wouldn’t spend too much time worrying; like the sign in the Doctor’s office “Worry is even less effective than sticking a pin in your navel to relieve gas”.

[Sara Jessica]

You described several golden opportunities to come clean before this uncomfortable little scenario arose. At this point, email is not your best friend. I'd arrange to get together, you and your wife with the two of them in one of your usual social situations. Talk it out for as short or as long as necessary and then move on to the routine so they can see that really, nothing in your relationship has changed.

[sometimes_miss]

See, it's stuff like this that keeps both my feet on the ground. No matter how much we like to think the world is becoming more 'CD friendly', and tolerant, there are still a whole lot of folks that outwardly appear fine with it, as long as it doesn't involve them in any way. The whole 'not in my backyard' mentality. I thought the people I knew were enlightened, tolerant people too; and then I found out the hard way that wasn't the case.

[Cynthia Anne]

I hate to use this term, but 'been there done that'! My signature explains what my 'friends' done! I hope it turns out much better for you! Hugs!

[Emme]

I agree with others here.

Don't worry about it. You told them. Relax. They don't HAVE to respond. Just keep right on being the good friend you have always been since HS.

[Lorileah]

Let it go. If you push it won't help if they are in any way concerned. Give them time to cuss it. There will be a slight dynamic change now. They have to be more careful about insulting you when they discuss Bowie or Izzard.

More than that, it may just not be that big of a deal and they are going about life as usual and the reply you expect will come in a time similar to "Hey can I borrow your boat next week?"

[jennifer_cd]

Hi Sophie. I'm kind of with Dawn and Barbra here in that since you have such a strong relationship with them already it should not be a big deal to reach out to them. I'm also totally with BadTranny/Melissa Hobbes too in that the more normal and yourself you with them, the better you'll feel about the whole thing. Please don't fret about being yourself. I'm sure your friends see the full you and care about the person you are and not just that aspect of you. :)
Jennifer

[BRANDYJ]

Sophie, the way you described your close friendship with them and the fact that they are Eddie Izzard fans (honestly, I don't kow anything about Eddie Izzard other then seeing his name mentioned here a lot. So I guess he is an out CD right?) Next, your buddy has been a friend since high school and all through collage. He has gone to see Rocky Horror with you. He and his wife did Halloween with you dresssed and had no problem with it. So my take on it this. They are very close long term friends. This confession is not gonna change a thing. if it did, they would be anything but "true" friends. I have a feeling you are worried about nothing. So the wife saw your blue toenails huh? I can only assume you were wearing sandels and you did not care if anyone saw them. OK, more brave then me, but the point is, you seem to kind of want to out yuourself in some small way.I know I've done that too around some friends, but not in public. I honestly think they have not responded to your last e-mail simply because it's a none issue to them. Seem to be pretty accepting friends.

[Fab Karen]

"I thought the people I knew were enlightened, tolerant people too"

You've ASSUMED a negative reaction when there has been no real evidence.
I thought the people I told are enlightened, intelligent people, and I was right.

[Sophie86]

Well, I sent another prompt earlier today. I said "I hope I didn't shock you guys too bad." I just got back this reply:


Nope. Just been busy this weekend. [His parents' company] computers are going nuts.

I’ve known you long enough to know that you are going to be you. I have no problem with that. Friends are those you can be yourself with.

:)

[Samantha Scott]

Great news, friends stick by you no matter what. Enjoy your next time dressing around them.

[BRANDYJ]

Great news Sophie. I just knew they would be more then OK with it from your OP about them. True friends don't turn and run. My guess is the friendship will continue to grow. It's always a relief to not have to keep secrets from close friends.

[Christina Horton]

I have not read all responses yet but I will say this. Sounds like there good enough friends that they will be Ok with it. You just have to remember what seems like a long wait to get a response to you might not be for them. After all we worrie waaaaayyyyy too much of what others think. That being said they way I look at telling people ( everybody save for work knows I'm CD) that when you tell someone it's out and soon everybody will know. That is how you need to look at it because even if they would never tell anyone , people can and will make mistakes. Let it slip as it were. Not on propose but it happens. So don't just e-mail them go to them with your wife and explain to them so they don't get the wrong idea about it. They will respect you more for that. But that's just my thoughts on that. Good luck.

[kristinacd55]

Hey Sophie,
This is my biggest fear as far as coming out to best friends. My wife told my sister in law last Saturday and she was very cool about it which i expected. I never had let on about my cding like you did so I know they'd be shocked. My next big hurdle before letting friends know is coming out to my daughters.
Anyway, seems like your friends may be accepting.....time will tell! Good luck!

[Patrice_CD]

Sounds like things are going well. If they are friends they will be there for you. I've told a few friends and after all the questions they seem to be fine with everything, Even wanting to go shopping and helping me purchase some cute clothes.

[Shelby]

Congrats, I bet it feels good to have told them and accept you as you. I have told a few friends who are all cool with it and it is such a relief. Perhaps next time, inquire if they have any questions and tell them that you will answer anything they want to know, but as others have said, show them that you are still the same person that they have always known but with an added twist.

[NathalieX66]

Sophie wrote:

Have any of you had friends go cold on you after coming out to them?

Very valid question.


Coming out is not for everybody.

I put a pics of me on my guy facebook page. This was one of the photos: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nathalielandree/5851552210/in/photostream

I had a slew of responses from many people, all were positive, and some were downright funny. One girl said "I love your coming out photo!". My best friend talks about my femme side all the time. No bad comments, and no firends dropped. I'm sure there were those who were not impressed but they are too shy to respond. I also have some family on it too. Nobody ever said anything. Who really knows what they think?
I took a gamble with knowing that there could be repercussions, and I am fully willing to accept the negative. It was a path I felt I had to take. It's kind of scary when people know you as one way, and you completely destroy that perception of how people have known you.
I am what I am, and this part of me is not going away. Why live a lie to my self or to anyone else for that matter?

[Sophie86]

This morning I got an email from the female half of the couple. She said a lot of funny, sweet, and endearing things. I'll just quote the concluding paragraph:


I have always been very fond of you [male name redacted] and find you interesting. Dressing like a woman and/or painting your toenails only makes you more interesting in my book and doesn’t affect the fondness I feel for you one bit. I think everyone should be who they want to be. Though I may be a little jealous of your chutzpah and nervous about other people’s unfair judgements of you.

So yeah, I was worried for nothing. :)

[Badtranny]

Sophie, what your friend said just nails what I was talking about earlier. You're obviously a cool person who is fun to be around and people clearly find you interesting. Basically you're NOT creepy.

Look at you girl, out to some old friends and that is probably the hardest thing to do.
Be proud of who you are sweetie, because you apparently have friends that are proud to know you.

[Dawn cd]

Sweet! It makes me teary to read those words. You are a fortunate woman to have such friends.

[Karren H]

None of mine have ... Wait... I haven't told any!! And don't plan on it...

But that's too awesome!! I'm happy for you...

[pattyv]

Wow.True friends to be cherished. You are living the dream. So cool.

[Sophie86]

None of mine have ... Wait... I haven't told any!! And don't plan on it...

But that's too awesome!! I'm happy for you...

lol. Like you need to say anything... :p