Is this normal?

[Andrea85]

Well, since figuring out I'll be going to Tennessee School of Beauty a few days ago, I've almost been freaking out every waking minute. I mean to the point it's physically weakening. Hell, I haven't taken a nap in over at least a decade, and even getting 10 to 12 hours sleep at night, I still have to have an hour or two during the day.

Anyway, the reason I'm like this is when I went to the school, it was just to talk about it and get a tour. Almost gave myself an anxiety attack going around the school, but the weird thing is was from just being excited. Went to the guys office, and he asked if I had any questions. He explained everything I could imagine, so I said no. He went on and explained about uniforms, black shoes, pants, and TSB t shirts. He enunciated closed toe shoes I think cause I showed up in flip flops. I can't even remember the last time I wore shoes. Heck, even when the big ice storm hit here and everything was covered in ice and all the roads were shut down, I was out playing in the snow in my Hilux wearing my flip flops, lol

To the point. George, the man in the above paragraph, asked asked if there was anything I had questions about and I asked about something on their site that talked about persons with mental issues getting tuition waived. He explained I needed to go to some place in downtown and they would do all that for me. Then, he asked if he could ask something and I could say hell no if I was offended. I kinda laughed inside over the last part because after coming out to everyone in the world, there isn't anything I can get offended about, lol. Anyway, he asked if I was transgender. Pertaining to the mental issues thing, I was going to use my GID and depression with suicidal tendencies to try to get the tuition waived.

Well, after telling I was trans, he asked if I had a plan on when I was going to go full time. I told him I really had no idea because of the way things in life are going, but I really would as soon as possible. He went to explain that they are considerate of their trans students in every way possible. He told me they had separate restrooms installed so no issues there, and if there were any problems with the staff or other students, it would be dealt with immediately.

I thought that was pretty awesome and I actually said that. He then told me that from his experience running the school, that he had a suggestion for my transition if he could say so. I said sure. He told me that from what he has seen from his trans students, the ones that transitioned before or when school started did better at their careers faster than the students that transitioned during or after school. He explained that many of a persons first customers they get during school, and it's easier on the customer if they only know you as one sex, not two. I understand that completely and decided that moment I was going to be full time once school started and from then on.


But there's where the problem is. The thought of going to school in a city I try to stay out of full time scares the living bejeezus outta me. Not that I don't want to go full time, I want that more than anything. The scars on my body and my life story are a testiment to the desire to do this. Heck, since my ex fiance left me, going full time was the only thing on my mind. But now I'm freaking the hell out and I don't understand why. I do have major issues with anxiety, but nothing as bad as this. I have some meds for it, but they make me feel ways I don't much like, so I don't take them now. I do have a appointment with my psychiatrist and I'm hoping she can prescribe me something that actually works.

Have any of you gone through a similar situation? I could really just use some advice on how to deal with this and get through it so I can get on with my life.:sad:

[Jay Cee]

Hmmmm - is it because you now feel pressured to go full time, rather than doing so at a time of your choosing?

Also, is it possible to also see a psychologist or counsellor? I'm not a big fan of medication if getting new mental strategies to deal with stress would help just as much, and with no side effects.

[cd_in_de]

Well, since figuring out I'll be going to Tennessee School of Beauty a few days ago, I've almost been freaking out every waking minute. I mean to the point it's physically weakening. Hell, I haven't taken a nap in over at least a decade, and even getting 10 to 12 hours sleep at night, I still have to have an hour or two during the day.

Anyway, the reason I'm like this is when I went to the school, it was just to talk about it and get a tour. Almost gave myself an anxiety attack going around the school, but the weird thing is was from just being excited. Went to the guys office, and he asked if I had any questions. He explained everything I could imagine, so I said no. He went on and explained about uniforms, black shoes, pants, and TSB t shirts. He enunciated closed toe shoes I think cause I showed up in flip flops. I can't even remember the last time I wore shoes. Heck, even when the big ice storm hit here and everything was covered in ice and all the roads were shut down, I was out playing in the snow in my Hilux wearing my flip flops, lol

To the point. George, the man in the above paragraph, asked asked if there was anything I had questions about and I asked about something on their site that talked about persons with mental issues getting tuition waived. He explained I needed to go to some place in downtown and they would do all that for me. Then, he asked if he could ask something and I could say hell no if I was offended. I kinda laughed inside over the last part because after coming out to everyone in the world, there isn't anything I can get offended about, lol. Anyway, he asked if I was transgender. Pertaining to the mental issues thing, I was going to use my GID and depression with suicidal tendencies to try to get the tuition waived.

Well, after telling I was trans, he asked if I had a plan on when I was going to go full time. I told him I really had no idea because of the way things in life are going, but I really would as soon as possible. He went to explain that they are considerate of their trans students in every way possible. He told me they had separate restrooms installed so no issues there, and if there were any problems with the staff or other students, it would be dealt with immediately.

I thought that was pretty awesome and I actually said that. He then told me that from his experience running the school, that he had a suggestion for my transition if he could say so. I said sure. He told me that from what he has seen from his trans students, the ones that transitioned before or when school started did better at their careers faster than the students that transitioned during or after school. He explained that many of a persons first customers they get during school, and it's easier on the customer if they only know you as one sex, not two. I understand that completely and decided that moment I was going to be full time once school started and from then on.


But there's where the problem is. The thought of going to school in a city I try to stay out of full time scares the living bejeezus outta me. Not that I don't want to go full time, I want that more than anything. The scars on my body and my life story are a testiment to the desire to do this. Heck, since my ex fiance left me, going full time was the only thing on my mind. But now I'm freaking the hell out and I don't understand why. I do have major issues with anxiety, but nothing as bad as this. I have some meds for it, but they make me feel ways I don't much like, so I don't take them now. I do have a appointment with my psychiatrist and I'm hoping she can prescribe me something that actually works.

Have any of you gone through a similar situation? I could really just use some advice on how to deal with this and get through it so I can get on with my life.:sad:

What it boils down to is you have a choice to make: either go FT now and enjoy a better career or go FT when/if you ever get around to feeling like it and have a worse career.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

andy i suffered from anxiety and panic attacks prior to my FFS surgery.. i took some mild meds (lorazapam) as needed, and was given (ativan) for emergency panic...just having those pills pretty much stopped the panic...the anxiety, not so much..anyway..the thing about anxiety that ALWAYS works is just doing what you are afraid of... by "doing it" you turn anxiety into real palpable fear and consequences..LOL....the "beauty of it--get it?" is that the things you are afraid of actually happen or don't happen, and you can deal with problems as they come up...

as far as transition, you are being tested in a way you havent prepared for ...
i bet there are 100 girls here lurking and reading your post going "OMG!!!! I wish I was FORCED to transition, I wish I was her, I wish somebody at my job would tell me to transition!!" ....and guess what ..if it really happened, the majority of them would just shit... and they would make up some excuse of why they can't...are you really going to transition? is that really your plan? or is this job testing you in a way you haven't thought of? is your transition a "someday" thing that comforts you, or is it your real life?

I don't know what you've done in your life to prepare for transition, only you know ...but it sure seems like a positive step to be working and learning in a super supportive environment where from DAY ONE you are treated and respected for who you are..
where you are literally invited to transition, to live as a woman.....
it's an opportunity. and opportunities in life are rare and sometimes scary...

These are brutally hard thoughts to have every day, and many of those of us that transitioned know them well.

So the anxiety and fear seem normal to me. I'd be scared too..

[GypsyKaren]

You could always lay out a rigid timetable for your future and stick to it, which of course is a complete waste of time and never works. You could always wait until you feel more comfortable about it all, but who knows when that will be or if you'll be able to deal with other reasons to delay things, and let's face it, we can always come up with reasons not to do something.

Or, you can face what might be your biggest challenge now and conquer it, which would give you the strength and courage to face anything that comes your way...only you can decide.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Katesback]

As I said before. Transition is not fluffy rabbits and rainbows. It is reality and few are really preparred to face the challenges that come with it. Are you?

[Zenith]

If it's the right thing for you now, you'll do it. If not, you won't. No worries. I never thought I could go full time, and then one day I got fed up and just did it.

[Jorja]

It is a difficult, confusing, frustrating life we lead. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. For me, I knew the moment I was out from under my fathers roof I would transition. Because of the obligations I had to Uncle Sam at the time, transition had to wait for 4 years. On the day I was released from active duty I went full time and have never looked back.

With the situation you have presented, I think you need to sit down and do some sole searching. You need to look at your reasons for and against transition now or later. You need to look at your present and future financial situations. It sounds to me as though you already know the answers. Just pick a date and say "Today is the beginning of my new life" and do it.

[Andrea85]

As I said before. Transition is not fluffy rabbits and rainbows. It is reality and few are really preparred to face the challenges that come with it. Are you?

I'm sorry your life was crap and miserable, but I'm tired of your piss ant attitude. I've yet to see you post anything worst wasting more than a second of my life reading. It really must suck living such a miserable life, but guess what? I don't. I have a happy life, where everyone I meet has been accepting, friends became closer, and my family was supportive and accepting, and all that immediately after I came out. I chose not to lead a miserable life like you have and it's been all good so far.

Sorry, but I won't be miserable with this as you are. I'm just glad the girls like you have been run off from the community here. People like you aren't worth having around, let alone listening to.

I would very much appreciate it if you could find a little decency in yourself to stop posting to my threads. People like you just piss me off and it makes me glad I get to live the life you'll never have.

[Andrea85]

Everyone else, thanks for the replies. Just posting this has given me some strength to do this.

Jorja, I have nothing against transitioning now or later. I want now, and I know in my heart that's all I really want. But this fear just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't end up with all these scars on my body for nothing. Picking a date is a good idea. I've yet to do that even though everyone I know keeps telling me that.\

Kaitlyn , you're totally right about this being a good opportunity. Hell, half the girls I'm friends with here would do anything to get to where I am.

cd_in_de, I hate to say it but that's the truth. Something that makes me uncomfortable though is that transition has almost turned into a career choice, not a life choice. Not that I'll be doing it to get ahead in a job. Hell, if I wanted to do that, I'd stay a gay guy, lol.

Jay Cee, yes, I go to a therapist already. Not for being trans even though that is talked about, but for anxiety and my depression. Oh, and my cutting, which is under control.

[Katesback]

Any more humerous comments you wish to make. I did find the one about me living in Florida on a previous post entertaining. Funny thing is most of my life I was in Michigan and then the wonderful state of Tennessee. I found that Nashville was nice but outside of there it appeared inbreedind was a problem. I learned not to have high expectations about those inbred folk.



I'm sorry your life was crap and miserable, but I'm tired of your piss ant attitude. I've yet to see you post anything worst wasting more than a second of my life reading. It really must suck living such a miserable life, but guess what? I don't. I have a happy life, where everyone I meet has been accepting, friends became closer, and my family was supportive and accepting, and all that immediately after I came out. I chose not to lead a miserable life like you have and it's been all good so far.

Sorry, but I won't be miserable with this as you are. I'm just glad the girls like you have been run off from the community here. People like you aren't worth having around, let alone listening to.

I would very much appreciate it if you could find a little decency in yourself to stop posting to my threads. People like you just piss me off and it makes me glad I get to live the life you'll never have.

[Andrea85]

Any more humerous comments you wish to make. I did find the one about me living in Florida on a previous post entertaining. Funny thing is most of my life I was in Michigan and then the wonderful state of Tennessee. I found that Nashville was nice but outside of there it appeared inbreedind was a problem. I learned not to have high expectations about those inbred folk.

Hmm...


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Hmm... I think I'll make use of this rule with you. Quite fun. :)

[Katesback]

Your the one that is being vile to me. Or is your pink fog that thick that you cannot even see that?




Hmm...



Hmm... I think I'll make use of this rule with you. Quite fun. :)

[Andrea85]

Really?

So lets see. I posted about getting to go to school and being excited, and then you come out of nowhere, just tryin to piss on my parade because you prolly didn't have it as good.

Yeah, that was my fault. Right.

And this time, you reply to my thread asking for advice about dealing with this anxiety, and you don't even make an effort to reply that has anything to do about my original post. All it is for is to try to make me feel like crap.

Yeah, my fault again. Riiiight.

I actually am making a list of the multiple threads you've pulled your crap in to report. Already reported you for this thread. Will send the list to the mod once I finish making it, since every thread in it is just like this one and my last one.

Sorry if you have a problem with me living a good happy life, but I and many others here could give a damn less about your opinions. They do nothing but set people back in their transitions and keep them from being happy.

[Jorja]

Jorja, I have nothing against transitioning now or later. I want now, and I know in my heart that's all I really want. But this fear just doesn't make sense to me. I didn't end up with all these scars on my body for nothing. Picking a date is a good idea. I've yet to do that even though everyone I know keeps telling me that.\

Is it just the fear of the unknown or is there something in your past that is really holding you back?

[Andrea85]

I'm not really sure. The only thing that kept me from coming out when I was little was the Bible story of Sodom and Gomorrah. After finding religion, and learning of he historical info from that time, that story doesn't bother me anymore. My parents have never in my memory said anything bad about anyone not hetero. Funny though, my dad had a panic attack or something when he saw two women kiss when my parents went to Charlotte, lol. But as far as I can tell, nothing to do with them, my relatives are sorta back country in their beliefs, but my parents support my decision to just not go back there till they let everyone know. I would, but that's a part of the mountains where lynchings are still happening. So.... not somewhere I want to go very much now. I'd have to say possibly fear of the unknown since change scares the bejeezus outta me.

Like, once I go full time, living in the Bible Belt with drunk rednecks, being confronted by them scares me. But from the girls here, I already have a good idea of safe areas day and night, and I live right next to the "great" (haha) tourist trap Pigeon Forge and Gatlinburg, but never had issues there.

I can't really put my thoughts into words right now. That kinda bugs me. Ugh. Might be from being bored today and staring at my laptop too long, lol. I think if I could what scares me, then I could handle it. But unfortunately, that's the hard part.

[Hope]

Andy, sweetheart - Don't feed our resident troll! Just do what the rest of us do and put her on ignore.

About the anxiety - there is one non-chemical, sure-fire way to control anxiety. Name it. Once you name it and can identify it, it looses almost all of it's ability to frighten. It is sort of like looking at a monster in the light of day versus seeing just its shadow in fire-light. When we don't know exactly how spooky something is, our brains fill in the blanks with the worst possible things it can imagine. I don't know about your brain - but mine is capable of coming up with some pretty hard-core evil.

So identify and name your anxiety.

Being anxious and nervous is one thing, but identify what it is that is making you feel that way. Are you afraid that people will laugh at you? Are you afraid you will be evicted from your apartment if your landlord finds out? Are you afraid of being hassled in the ladies room? Are you afraid of looking foolish? Afraid of giving up male privilege? Afraid of giving up being "male?" (It happens - even for us). Sit and pay attention to the anxiety - pay attention to where it is localized in your body and pay attention to what it is trying to tell you. Once you know what it is all about - its ability to control you will be drastically reduced.

Alternatively Kaitlyn's suggestion to just man up and face the fear works too - though it is easier to man up if you can do it in concert with minimizing the fear.

[Chickhe]

I get the same way when I make any major life change. For example, new school, a new job, getting married...stress of meeting new people, new environment and being a bit shy never helped...but, what helps me is to just do it. Just decide to do it, get it done and you feel like you were worried about nothing. I think it is good advice to put your life issues behind you so that you can focus 110% on school/career.

[Andrea85]

Hope, she's on my ignore list, my curiosity get the best of me when I see something hidden, lol. I usually don't pay attention to trolls like her, but after her comment about inbreeding, all I can say is it's on. Not here though. Elsewhere. ;)

Anyway, on to the rest of your post. I don't think it has to do with worrying about people laughing so much. Been out a lot and never even had the odd look. Do get checked out at the club though, lol. No worries about a landlord since I live at home again, and my parents are totally accepting of me. Heck, my mom even bought me some new clothes today. :D I do have to say restroom usage does scare me though. Not to say I've been found out in the restroom yet though. I figured if I would, it would have been when I went to West Town Mall in Knoxville. It's the biggest and most popular of the 4 malls withing a half hour drive from me, and the time I was there was on a Saturday afternoon when EVERYONE was there. Even standing in line waiting, no one noticed me. But the only reason I was freaking out was cause I had my bff there with me. She won't let me use the unisex restroom when she's around, lol. Which I tend to use it if there's one available. I know I don't worry about looking foolish cause you'd be surprised at some of the stupid stuff I used to do to just get attention, lol. I know for sure giving up anything male doesn't bother me. Never felt comfortable with the male role anyway. Except peeing standing up cause I get impatient, even with that, lol. But that's a whole nother story for another thread or PM there.

Sitting here having a smoke (I know, it's bad, but I am quitting slowly) and typing out the answer to that stuff has sorta got me a little more calm now. Still have now clue what exactly is the cause of my anxiety, but I think doing things this way could really help.



Chickie, if it were that simple, I would have started my transition when I was 5.

[SilkenPrincess]

I agree with Chickhe. I get the same reaction to any significant changes in my life, regardless of whether they are positive or negative changes. Fear really isn't a hurdle as it appears to be. It calls courage out of your soul to meet it. Courage is not a lack of fear, but action in spite of it. And the exercise of courage is liberating, exciting, and soul-expanding. Consider the fear as an opportunity to grow. Fear's bark is much worse than its' bite. And it is its' bark that empowers it. The ability to defeat fear is within you. The same strength of commitment used to bring courage to bear is useful in all other aspects of life. Go for it, girl! It's yours for the taking!
Steph

[Kaitlyn Michele]

don't fall into the trap of turning this wonderful possibility into a referendum on whether or when you will transition..

it is a wonderful opportunity, but if you miss it, there will be more...this is new information for you..it takes some time...ultimately we transitioners can assure you that just taking the plunge will serve you well, but perhaps you will choose to not show up there as female..and you may go home your first day and cry your eyes out thinking about how you screwed up..well guess what, that DATA is pretty important, and nothing is stopping you from showing up the 2nd day as yourself.. you may need that DATA before you are confindent and comfortable...being confident and comfortable is something that each of us learns over time.. i still feel anxiety in bathrooms

[Nicole Erin]

Couple things -
It really is best to stay away from people who tend to make rude comments. This is not personal to them, it is but a game trying to get people to get themselves banned. Kind of like when a cop taunts someone to try to get them to say the wrong thing. You really should ignore it. Nothing good comes from arguing with the know-it-alls.

Now I cannot say if transitioning now is the right thing for you, only you can really decide that but let me give my experience:

Remember, first impressions are the most important. If they meet "Andie" or the name you choose, then you are less likely to be asked stupid questions about your transition like I was. ("So, have you had a sex change" and other intruding questions). that brings me to -
If you can wait it out, and are truely wanting to transition, make REAL sure you change your legal name before starting school. Now if Andy is your male name and say you are gonna use "Andie" or whatever, then you will be alright. However, if you were cursed with a male name that is no where close to your female name choosing, change it first. Reason is, in beauty school, they may give you a hard time about this. I know at my beauty school they did. Everyone knew I preferred Erin but still when calling me to the desk to take an appointment, called me by the male name (cause that was what was in the computer and on the list)

So now you know the story about your name.

Now about your presentation - Yes it is going to seem real scary going to school at first as "her". After the first day though you will not worry and here is why - Once they have seen "her", especially since they have not met "him", then it is not like you are going to have anything to hide. You go in the first day, everyone sees your femme side, and that is that. Depending on your passability etc, people may gossip or wonder but hell with them. Bratty-ass immature young women are just like that. As are the white trash women (yeah there are a couple of them at beauty schools) However, for the most part, people aren't gonna care.

Do not forget this - first time doing something is either the most fun or most difficult. After that, it becomes either less fun or less nerve racking. One day you find that you do not even think about the fact that you are living as a woman and that is when normal life picks up and you just "are".

[Aprilrain]

i still feel anxiety in bathrooms

LOL. the only time I feel anxious in the bathroom now is when I with my 5 year old and he's calling me DAD!

I never would have done any of this had I not been compelled to. For me there was really no decision to make I was scared shitless but that was not going to stop me. In many ways I have just been along for the ride. very little about the everyday world scares me now except that which SHOULD scare any woman (like a dark ally at night). So far none of my fears have come true though we shall see with my parents as the reality sinks in. I have as good a support network as a person can have that consist of both trans and cisgendered folks. If anything I have probably jumped in head first but i have always been that way with anything, sink or swim, i do better when i feel like i have to survive!

[Jorja]

Andy, I am curious. When you feel these feelings of fear and anxiety, how do you normally deal with them? Do you have a lot of ways for coping with anxiety? You know, little tricks and techniques to help you fight off these fears and feelings?

[Andrea85]

I usually just run away from whatever causes my attacks. Buuuuut, that prolly why I'm having issues dealing with things now. Now though, I either take an anxiety pill or have a smoke. Since I'm trying to quit smoking, I'm trying all kinds of things as a replacement in bad situations. Music and driving are big helps for me. Music mainly. My Blackberry has a couple hundred songs that have good meaning to me. Most situations that seems to work for me.