*** Making a Move ***

[JessicaD]

Sooo... today (just like maybe an hour ago) i called a therapist and set up my first appointment with her. I made the appointment for thursday at noon (I have that day off.. yay!) LOL so im very excited to finally be able to talk about my issues with someone who can help me move in the direction i need to be.

Looking back though..

for a couple months or so i hadnt dressed en fem (partially due to my wife and i moving recently and not knowing where anything was..) but recently ive been unable to control my inner self and she has come out again. Just yesterday i broke down and went to sleep it off in the bedroom when my wife came in and we had a long tearful talk.

She is supportive as she says she is - she had said something though that made me think. "What if the roles were reversed" she said " what if it was me (her) who need to be male, and have a penis" This hit me hard. Im not gay im not attracted to men for christs sake i dislike my own penis very much. But i see what she means. I told her maybe she needs a man then. She said she needs "me" i replied saying "no you need David" (my name at birth) She said it doesnt matter what i look like -- so on and so forth. She has always been supportive of me dressing even went out with me dressed. She understands my need to be woman on the outside. She is also a member of this board (inactive for sometime now as i was.)

In other news though my parents are completely unsupportive of my choices regarding this (although i dont live with them, im 23 years old and on my dads issurance which is Cigna i believe they cover some trans issues PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CIGNA inssurance.

im not sure what lays in wake for me on thursday i just plan to be 100% honest with the therapist and hope she can help.

[Rianna Humble]

Great news about booking the therapist! :bighug:

I think you might want to think about what was behind your wife's question. Her other answers show that she is still supportive of you and wants to be with you whether you are David or Jessica. I could be way out here, but I think that she wanted to let you know that sometimes it will be difficult for her and her feelings may sometimes get a little inthe way of being as supportive as perhaps you would like but despite anything else she wants to to be there for you.

Now that you have had the chance to consider how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, can you find a creative way to show how much you can appreciate her overcoming those feelings in order to support you?

[Melody Moore]

Hi Jessica,

First of all well done with booking into see a therapist because you obviously have a few things to work
through here & being totally open & honest is the best way to go if you want to get the most out of this.


"What if the roles were reversed" she said " what if it was me (her) who need to be male, and have a penis" This hit me hard. Im not gay im not attracted to men for christs sake i dislike my own penis very much. But i see what she means. I told her maybe she needs a man then. She said she needs "me".
This is what I try & remind other transsexuals who are in relationships about all the time. Consider the shoe is on
the other foot, what if your wife wanted to become a man? Does that mean you would turn gay to stay with 'him'?

Now I too could be wrong, but from what you have said here maybe your wife is telling you here is that while
she really loves you, but she is going to find it hard to be intimate with you if you decide to fully transition.

I spilt up with my girlfriend about 3 months before transitioning, then we got back together, but she didn't want
to be in a lesbian relationship because she was worried about what other people, especially her family would think
so we split up again soon after. We tried to stay friends but she found that difficult because she still loved me &
my transition was too painful for her to tolerate because she couldn't be intimate with me like she would like to be.

Partners also have to go through their own sexual & social transition as well with your transition when you are in
a relationship. Unfortunately when this reality hits your partner then it becomes a lot harder for her to stay with
you. Your wife could be tempted by other men who know how play her emotions because she could become very
vulnerable with everything that is now going on. But it seems that you are prepared to let her go if that is what
she wants anyway. It's hard, but it's usually for the best when you are in our situation & if you are a transsexual.

Its a unique woman that will stay with a transsexual if they transition, but I do know there are women out there
that like transsexual females as well as I am now starting to find out & if this is what you really want. Some lesbian
women I know told me that now they fall in love with the soul of a person, not the gender. So you just have to find
the right soul to be with if it isn't your current partner.

There is another downside to staying with your former partner - they know the male side of you. Whereas now when
I met other people they don't know this side of me, so there is nothing to ever compare me to which can sometimes
be a problem in a relationship with the same person you were with prior to transitioning. They will often use the improper
pro-nouns & refer to you has he or him & they will often refer to you as your birth name. Sometimes if they get angry
they start to throw things in your face, saying things like, 'I liked you better as a male' or they will bring some other
negative stuff from the past to try & hurt you or even call you 'gay'. Not all this has happened to me, but I have heard
of problems like this from other girls in transition. I personally can live without someone like that in my life. I am happy
right now being single, enjoying the freedom & happiness I get where I can just be me without any other stress & drama.

I just hope that whatever happens Jessica, that it all goes smoothly for you whichever way this pans out, but just don't
be disappointed if things don't work out because you really do have a whole new life to start living just waiting for you.

:hugs:

[Nicki S]

Great news for seeking help with the therapist. You wont regret doing so. Your wife sounds like a great person. She must truly love you and physical appearances don't much matter. My advice would be to keep your lines of communication open. The minute that stops, you will have problems.

As far as Cigna, they have different levels of coverage and it depends on how much the employer spends. Hopefully yours is better than what my union pays for. Mine seems to only be a payment deferral card and keeps me from having to pay at time of care, but that huge bill will follow soon. It seems that they really will only cover a band-aid, and you better get the generic kind.

[Hope]

Good job with the therapist. That is the #1 thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship too.

Your wife sounds like a pretty awesome person - make sure you take good care of her, give her plenty of time to process (help with this if you can) and listen to her concerns when she raises them. No matter how absurd they sound - they are real to her and thus - real to you. Ask her regularly about how she is feeling. Expect that it will change. Expect that it will not always be positive. Expect that she will always love you - even when she is struggling - if she has supported you this far, she has earned that from you.

Here is a promise I make to you as a trans girl who is half way (?) through transition and staying married to her wife - the sex issue will work itself out. Just do what you both enjoy for now, and things will resolve themselves in time. Trust me on this.

I don't know what part of Iowa you are in, but there are lots of Iowa girls here who will be more than happy to support you. If you happen to be near Dubuque or ever make it to Madison WI, my wife and I would be happy to get together and chat with you and your wife. You should come to Madison anyway - it's just a great place to be. Feel free to PM me if you want - it is never too early to start building a real-life support network of girls who understand what you are trying to do.

[JessicaD]

Great news about booking the therapist! :bighug:

I think you might want to think about what was behind your wife's question. Her other answers show that she is still supportive of you and wants to be with you whether you are David or Jessica. I could be way out here, but I think that she wanted to let you know that sometimes it will be difficult for her and her feelings may sometimes get a little inthe way of being as supportive as perhaps you would like but despite anything else she wants to to be there for you.

Now that you have had the chance to consider how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot, can you find a creative way to show how much you can appreciate her overcoming those feelings in order to support you?

im not sure exactly wha you mean by a creative way, please tell me i really need to show her i appreciate her more, she never asks for anything always puts others first. Ive taken her shopping lately but other than that and going out to eat nothing.

[JessicaD]

Good job with the therapist. That is the #1 thing you can do for yourself and for your relationship too.

Your wife sounds like a pretty awesome person - make sure you take good care of her, give her plenty of time to process (help with this if you can) and listen to her concerns when she raises them. No matter how absurd they sound - they are real to her and thus - real to you. Ask her regularly about how she is feeling. Expect that it will change. Expect that it will not always be positive. Expect that she will always love you - even when she is struggling - if she has supported you this far, she has earned that from you.

Here is a promise I make to you as a trans girl who is half way (?) through transition and staying married to her wife - the sex issue will work itself out. Just do what you both enjoy for now, and things will resolve themselves in time. Trust me on this.

I don't know what part of Iowa you are in, but there are lots of Iowa girls here who will be more than happy to support you. If you happen to be near Dubuque or ever make it to Madison WI, my wife and I would be happy to get together and chat with you and your wife. You should come to Madison anyway - it's just a great place to be. Feel free to PM me if you want - it is never too early to start building a real-life support network of girls who understand what you are trying to do.

Thank you Hope! It means alot to me to have someone reach out to me personally. My uncle is trans. as well ftm and full transitioned. My family does not speak to him at all and still will use the incorrect pronouns and name. Ive talked to him many times about myself and it ended badly my Dad found out of this and said some very hurtful things to him and he ended up removing himself from facebook and our contact ended their. So after that i had no one else to "go to" aside from my wife who as you all know cant completely understand "this feeling".

XXX

[JessicaD]

A little update on me. Ive went to the therapist yesterday everything went great. She referred me to a dr and i just set up the appointment for him next tuesday, at 1:30 and then my 2nd meeting with therapist on wednesday. Im become a busy girl. Im thinking ill go to the dr in my female clothing presenting fully as female. Just wondering everyone else take on this. I know you'll say go as your comfortable but i think i need to dress en fem so that they take me seriously. Ive ordered some forms and some hip pads to help the situation hopefully they all get here in time. if not guess ill go androgenous.

[Aprilrain]

she never asks for anything always puts others first. Ive taken her shopping lately but other than that and going out to eat nothing.

I'm sure these small gestures mean a lot to her. I know for me little things that say you care mean a lot.

[Hope]

It sounds like things went swimmingly - as they should.

I am curious - why would you have been referred to a MD after a single visit with a therapist?

[JessicaD]

is that a bad thing?

[Hope]

I have insufficient data to make such a value judgement.

But it IS out of the ordinary.

It seems WAY too early to send you for hormones... and if she IS sending you for hormones after a single visit - I would be VERY leery about her qualifications.

If she is not sending you for hormones... then... what? I mean - if you have an unrelated medical issue you don't want to share with the class - that is absolutely your business... but it seems... Odd that she would be sending you to an MD after a single visit.

Did she tell you what the referral was for?

[JessicaD]

nope no unrelated med issues here.

but she just asked me (after about an hour of listening to me) if i was interested in hrt and i said YES! lol She gave me the card for the md and asked me when i was thinking to start it. Lets just say i told her i was wishing i could talk to him today (that day). She laughed though and said that the doc wasnt in that day. After a bit more chatting we set another appointment for the following week and i was on my marry way. lol

[Aprilrain]

That Is odd. My therapist made it clear to me that there would be no referral letter for HRT for at least 3 months.

[Melody Moore]

April, I found out for sure 2 weeks that according to the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
you are suppose to be thoroughly evaluated before being prescribed cross-sex hormones.
I had to confirm this so I wasn't crossing the line here in the latest article I have written (http://www.transcairns.org/culture/4-Transitioning_in_Cairns_June_2011.pdf).

So I wrote:

The doctor at Cairns Sexual Health will schedule an appointment with the clinical
psychologist which is also a necessary component of your transitional process.
You will only be prescribed cross-sex hormones by the doctor after they are satisfied
you want to transition & understand the risks with taking cross-sex hormones.
Hormone medications are subsidised for concession card holders under the PBS.

In my case it wasn't 3 months before I started on hormones but I did however see two doctors at my gender clinic while
already living full-time as female before I was prescribed. So maybe this also played a part in why I got prescribed so quickly.

[Jorja]

Do you girls remember when I said in previous posts that the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care are ONLY a guideline? It isn't that this therapist isn't following thoes guidelines. Each case is judged individually. Therapist are given the leeway to do that. I do have to admit that to be recommended for HRT after only one visit is a bit unusual though. Perhaps this therapist has been trained at reading body language. There is a whole science evolving around body language and is surprisingly accurate. Maybe Jessica made all the right moves that proved she was truely wanting to become herself??? Something to think about.

[Amber99]

My therapist didn't insist that I waited the whole three months but I opted to just to be more convincing for the doctor when I got there.

[Laura_Stephens]

I suspect that most therapists will adhere to the Harry Benjamin standards if no reason other than to avoid malpractice litigation down the road. I could be wrong -- wouldn't be the first time.

[Jorja]

I suspect that most therapists will adhere to the Harry Benjamin standards if no reason other than to avoid malpractice litigation down the road. I could be wrong -- wouldn't be the first time.

Most therapists will and do follow the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care. However, if and when a situation presents itself, they are allowed to use their training and expertise in the field to make a diagnosis or decision that is in the best interest of the patient. For example, Melody Moore, above, was already living full-time as female. Her path was clear. Would it be right to make her wait 3 months or more just because the Standards of Care say so? Where is there any indication of malpractice? That is why they make the big money and we don't.

[Melody Moore]

Do you girls remember when I said in previous posts that the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care are ONLY a guideline?
I know what you said Jorga & this is where I have been confused & why I had to be so careful
in the wording with my latest article. This is a typical case of not one size fits all. However the
either thing I have encountered from some of the other members in my local support group has
been questions about why things have been happening very quickly for me whereas others had
to wait. I was also told that they were going to approve me for SRS this year which would have
meant that I was living full-time for 12 months & not 2 years like the others are required to wait.

But since I mentioned this to some of the other girls in my local support group, some girls have
gone back to the clinic complaining about how I can get it quicker & others have to wait. So I
asked recently how long did I have to wait now & was told 2 years, a change to what I was told
the first time. Maybe it's because of these others that I now have to wait longer which is fine by
me because I cant get the money for the surgery this year anyway But I have learnt now to keep
my mouth shut if anything else happens quickly for me & not for others or it causes some problems.

[Jorja]

I know you are in Australia and I am in the US and laws and rules are a bit different but I would bet, knowing what little I do about your situation, if you were ready and pushed the matter Melody, it would happen quickly for you.

[JessicaD]

UPDATE:

just as suspected i spoke with the doc. To me it was more of a mental eval than anything, we talked about mones and family etc. We talked about the SOC and the 3 months with therapist ordeal. He said that the therapist can choose to give the go earlier than that though. Well tomarrow i see my therapist so expect another update.

[JessicaD]

so i havnt posted here for awhile but i have another update. going to try and make it short but keep some details involved. Saw my therapist today with my wife. Basically what i got from todays appointment was she told me she thought i should live as a woman for a little while before she would make the call for hormones. This is fine with me because it will give me time to adjust to my new 'style' lol i say that meaning dressing like a woman all the time. As ive been out in public but not ALOT. my question to you guys n girls is does this seem ok for her to ask me of it, and also what do you think she exactly means by "i should live as a woman" does she mean dress as a woman ? forms wig etc. I need to develop my voice before im comfortable communicating with people and also going FT at my state would mean lots of shaving which shaving every day for me hurts my face. and is rather expensive when it comes to razors. Any tips?

[Sophora]

so i havnt posted here for awhile but i have another update. going to try and make it short but keep some details involved. Saw my therapist today with my wife. Basically what i got from todays appointment was she told me she thought i should live as a woman for a little while before she would make the call for hormones. This is fine with me because it will give me time to adjust to my new 'style' lol i say that meaning dressing like a woman all the time. As ive been out in public but not ALOT. my question to you guys n girls is does this seem ok for her to ask me of it, and also what do you think she exactly means by "i should live as a woman" does she mean dress as a woman ? forms wig etc. I need to develop my voice before im comfortable communicating with people and also going FT at my state would mean lots of shaving which shaving every day for me hurts my face. and is rather expensive when it comes to razors. Any tips?

it is exactly as it sounds you need "live your life as a woman." I have yet to use forms and wigs but yeah it means going full-time as a woman. The only tip I can give atm is to get hair removal surgery.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jessica, I am sure that not everybody will agree with me, but I think that your therapist has got it the right way around by asking you to live as a woman before she prescribes drugs that will alter your mind and your body.

As Sophora has already said "live as a woman" means exactly what it says - 24 hours a day, 7 days a week presenting as a woman. Not just the clothes but how you socialise, how you sit, how you speak (tonality is only one small part of that).

If you are happy doing that before your therapist prescribes the hormones, then your therapist will have no problem making the call.

If shaving is a problem, then you will need to go for some form of facial hair removal - sadly for me this is not an option at the moment, so I just have to put up with shaving (as does a GG acquaintance who suffers facial hair growth as a side-effect of cancer treatment).

[JessicaD]

thank you all for inspiring me to move forward and you have honestly given me confidence regarding "coming out" their is truly more meaning to that than just telling people you are trans its actually doing it and i thank you all. xoxo