How do you deal with an unhappy wife about crossdressing?

[RICHELL]

I have a wife unhappy with me even wearing BRAS AND PANTIES UNDER REGULAR CLOSE. ANY SUGGESTIONS?

[Kathi Lake]

Talk to her. Find out why she is unhappy. Let her know that you want to talk, that you don't want to hear ultimatums, but that you want to understand her and you want her to understand you.

Kathi

[RICHELL]

Thanks, maybe i can try that, usually she says you don't want to go there.

[Kathi Lake]

You do. In fact, you both need to go there. She needs to know that this isn't going away, that you'll be there for her, that you're still the man she married. You need to know how this affects her, and what you can do to minimize the pain.

Did I mention talking? :)

Kathi

[Stephanie Miller]

Kathi's right. You DO need to go there. Or it will sit between you both and fester. But... you need to talk about it when you have correct information about what is, why is and how is crossdressing always going to be a part of your lives . Not just "feelings". She has those too, and they are just as valid.

[gender_blender]

Marriage isn't for everyone.

[JenniferR771]

Lots of us would like to know the answer to that question. Take it slow and be considerate of her feelings. Try to predict what she will say, it will help you understand where she is coming from.

[sandra-leigh]

My wife liked my (not wild) panties, but it took several years of her knowing that I cross-dress before she got comfortable with me wearing a bra in her presence.

This is something that partners may need rather some time to adapt to.

[docrobbysherry]

Think of it as another "hobby", Ritchell. Like; bowling, golf, watching TV sports, etc. Something OTHER than CDing that she would object to u doing too much of!

If u still CAN'T discuss it and come to a compromise, it eventually WILL be something else! Even if u give up dressing for her!

[Eryn]

Communication is what is needed now, and the communication must be both ways. You need to get across to her why you wish to wear these things and she needs to air her concerns. If you both talk it over carefully, and manage to do it without resorting to drawing "lines in the sand" you have a good chance of resolving the issue.

[Cynthia Anne]

So many great answers thus far! I agree TALK, EXPLAIN LISTEN! Or it will be D-I-V-O-R-C-E!

[Karren H]

There is peace in our house as long as I keep it out of her face.

[KellyCD]

Marriage isn't for everyone.


Thank you, for the love of god THANK YOU!

[ReineD]

I don't want to paint with too broad a brush and there are always exceptions, but unfortunately common sense dictates that it will be more difficult to alter her views, the older you both are and the longer you've been married. If she has any religious or moral objections it will be even more difficult to have her change her mind.

A 30ish year old woman in a fairly new marriage will be more flexible than a 60 something woman who has been married to you for 40 years and who has never imagined that you enjoyed wearing women's clothing. I'm sorry. :sad:

That said, there are people who are open minded no matter their age. But unfortunately your wife is telling you that she isn't.

The best you can do is to ask her to stretch enough to begin to understand that the CDing is not a sickness or a sin. Find some resources that she can read. You can then tell her that you understand her disapproval, or her reluctance to participate, but try to impress upon her that you simply need to express this part of yourself that you have suppressed for most of your life. Let her know it is not sexual. Again, the resources you find should help her to understand this.

And then, let her know that you do not want to force her to participate, but you also do not want to lie to her and dress behind her back. Ask her to negotiate times with you where you will be free to express yourself. Be sure to let her know that she is ALWAYS invited to join you, since you do not want her to feel as if you are trying to keep her out of it.

You might want to find a gender support group to join. Most of these groups welcome the wives. If your wife is deadset against the CDing, she might feel more comfortable if you attend a support group rather than begin going to gay bars dressed, for example.

Good luck! :hugs:

[Sophie86]

Marriage isn't for everyone.

Thank you, for the love of god THANK YOU!

Being single isn't for everyone either, and the OP didn't ask for advice on how to get a divorce. :)

[linda allen]

Being single isn't for everyone either, and the OP didn't ask for advice on how to get a divorce. :)

Correct. The OP is asking how to make things right with a disaproving wife.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you need to communicate but not focus on changing her mind..you need to calmly and compassionately explain to her what crossdressing is, you need to tell her how much you love her but this is something that is part of you..

then it up to her.. you may be faced with difficult choices or you may get a choice made for you if you know what i mean.. one common thing is you may get an ultimatum and you probably already know that never dressing again is a promise that will not be kept no matter what your intentions are..

good luck to both of you..

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Richell, After 48 years married it has become a don't ask don't tell kind of thinggie.
Out of sight out of mind I know my boundries and don't cross them
I don't rock the boat because the captian might throw me overboard.

Orchid

[Tina B.]

First thing you need to understand, some women will accept right off, I got lucky on that one, some take years to come to terms with it, and are reluctant at best, but there will always be some that will not ever, under any circumstance accept this in a partner. Your job has to be trying to figure out which one of those your wife fits into. Some of us can work things out where we can dress a lot, some not so much, and there are plenty of us that keep it under the DADT policy to find peace at home. It all rest on your wifes up bringing, and moral believes, and how open minded she is to alternate life styles, and not in the abstract, but in her own home. I can't tell you what kind of women your married to, or what might work with her, but I do wish you all the luck in the world, because it can be a make or break situation.
Tina

[BRANDYJ]

OK, so the wife knows you like to wear women's clothes, but that does not mean she likes you wearing bra and panties under your male clothes! Do you go out under dressed like that? If so, she rightfully fears someone will detect the bra and embarrass you and or her if she is with you. Talk to her about it. Ask her to set boundaries you both can live with. You may not get all you want, but who does in any relationship. You "might" be pushing her acceptance and comfort level. back off and consider her feelings. It's all about good communication. Maybe she will be fine with your dressing if for now, it's out of her sight. Arrange some agreed upon private time.
Don't let your compulsion and need to dress overshadow being understanding and compassionate to what your wife likes and dislikes. That should be a whole lot more important then wearing a bra and panties under your male clothes. Think ablout what makes her happy and do things to please her and she might come to accept this about you.

[Claire Cook]

Kathi's right. You DO need to go there. Or it will sit between you both and fester. But... you need to talk about it when you have correct information about what is, why is and how is crossdressing always going to be a part of your lives . Not just "feelings". She has those too, and they are just as valid.

... and remember that there is a delicate balance here -- between your wants, her feelings and the importance of your relationship. Sometimes hard to balance.

[Jessica Brynn]

My take on this is that if she's unhappy and unaccepting now, she will never truly come around in the way that you want her to. She may learn to keep her concerns to herself, however she will always resent that part of you. It will chip away at you marriage until there is nothing left to salvage.

If she doesn't truly understand things now, she never will.

Sorry to be a downer. It's just my opinion given my life experience.

[sandra-leigh]

My take on this is that if she's unhappy and unaccepting now, she will never truly come around in the way that you want her to.

I've gone back through Richell's postings. Unfortunately we have no information about how long Richell's wife has known, how strongly Richell presents, about how they interact otherwise, about how strong the marriage is, or about what (more precisely) the wife dislikes or fears; nor do we know anything about whether Richell considers herself to be CD or transgendered or transsexual.

What we do know is that in one thread Richell indicated that she wears panties all of the time and a bra when she can.

I think it is a bit early to make long term judgements yet.

[L'eggs n' heels]

Tell her that you'll stop wearing dresses when she stops wearing pants, that'll stop her in her tracks. The double standard annoys the hell out of me.

[NicoleScott]

As usual, Reine hits the nail on the head. I agree with everything she said except "let her know it's not sexual". Unless I missed something, we don't know that it's not sexual. Since the crossdressing cat is out of the bag, it's time to lay it all out, and if it's sexual, tell her so.
My wife knows that my dressing drive has a strong sexual component to it, and I think it's somewhat a relief to her, rather than her thinking that I have a feminine identity and want to be a woman (I don't). Also, some couples might use the sexual aspect to enhance bedroom activities, although it seems unlikely in this case.

[lucidgirl]

I've seen this term thrown around a lot - 'not sexual'. Im not really sure What you girls mean by it. It's definitely sexual for me to a certain extent and I really don't understand how dressing can't be - it's an extension of our sexuality in a certain sense and there's to denying that. I mean the main thought coursing through my head when I dress is that this makes me feel so much more aware of my sexuality and my sensual senses are just so much more elevated. How can something so erotic as dressing not be sexual. Please don't misunderstand me - I'm simply stating my perspective.



As usual, Reine hits the nail on the head. I agree with everything she said except "let her know it's not sexual". Unless I missed something, we don't know that it's not sexual. Since the crossdressing cat is out of the bag, it's time to lay it all out, and if it's sexual, tell her so.
My wife knows that my dressing drive has a strong sexual component to it, and I think it's somewhat a relief to her, rather than her thinking that I have a feminine identity and want to be a woman (I don't). Also, some couples might use the sexual aspect to enhance bedroom activities, although it seems unlikely in this case.

[NicoleScott]

Lucidgirl, as one whose dressing has a strong sexual component, I appreciate others who say their dressing is sexual to some degree. Sometimes I think this forum is becoming less about crossdressing (for whatever reason) and more about transgender (not the umbrella definition, but use of the term to describe internal feminine identity many claim to have). Many crossdressers are quick to point out that their dressing does NOT have a sexual aspect to it, and others may not admit it, as if dressing because it excites is somehow deviant and identity dressing is more legitimate. Indeed, many posts take the opposite view you have (all dressing has a sexual aspect) by assuming that all dressers have a "woman inside". I only know the truth about my own drive, but I believe that there are many many crossdressers with a strong feminine identity who dress not because the clothes excite but because the clothes more accurately express their identity. Maybe another way of saying this is that for pleasure dressers, the clothes themselves are the primary to their dressing, while for identity dressers the clothes are secondary. I just wish all crossdressers would understand that what we have in common (dressing ) is driven by very different things, all legitimate. Some dressers don't dress for sexual or feminine identity reasons, but because they just prefer the look and feel of women's clothes over men's clothes.
My perspective is all I have, and I appreciate you stating yours.

[RICHELL]

I feel softer when I wear panties,bras,garters,and hose. Otherwise I fell more like the biker type, and I do ride as much as I can. It does feel good dressed under while on my bike.

[Tara D. Rose]

It's really better to just divorce over it. If she gives you static about it all the time and if she has for quite some time. And if she has tried to bring you shame over crossdressing by capitalizing with all the steriotypical stigmatisms that society had created for us. Then have one week talk with her, and if not fixed or clarified, the move to divorce. I live in this world, I live in this kind of marriage. I've read thousands of stories just like yours. Some wives can accept and some claim they accept, ,,,,,,till you make them upset about something else, then they throw up crossdressing, even after they claim they accept. It's the yo yo syndrome. And while some on herew ill say to you to tell her this or tell her that, or to educate her. How long has she known? If you're still married to her one year from now, you will still be having the same problem with her about your crossdressing. Wives accept or they don't.

[ReineD]

Wives accept or they don't.

This is true. But they will likely accept more easily when they are given three things:

1. Education in terms of the plethora of knowledge that is out there now.
2. Communication, lots of it, which implies patience and understanding and a willingness for the husband to stick his neck out and talk about things that he is uncomfortable talking about.
3. Time to catch up. A CDer has taken years to come to a place of self-acceptance. Why can't his wife be given the same consideration?

Honestly, I think the biggest issue is that couples don't have good relationship skills. The high divorce rate among everyone, not just CDers, corroborates this. Few couples know how to set boundaries, talk, listen, and compromise.

It's no wonder when the husband says he wants to CD and his wife says no, he either goes underground or there is a divorce.

Having said this, there may well be instances when the husband wants to be more of a woman than his wife is prepared to live with (borderline between CD and TS in terms of presentation frequency, or wanting to come out to everyone, or permanent alterations in terms of the guy mode presentation), and in this case I agree it might be best for them to go their separate ways if the wife is not willing to live the lifestyle by default.

But to divorce just because the wife doesn't immediately get it or they haven't become adept at developing relationship skills? No. I think it's best to put the CDing aside for a little while until they do learn the skills, and then see how it goes.

[Kathy4ever]

This a great question for us married folks. I'm in the same boat in that she dislike this very much at this point. Their has been some progress in that she doesn't say much about me being hair free and she knows about my panties. Two years ago the panties would of been in the trash. The progress gives me some hope but I don't see her coming around totally. If I did not have young kids a divorce probably would of happened. I would be sad in that (I luv her alot). I THINK IT TAKES TIME FOR SOME WOMAN TO CHANGE. It might still happen .Their many stories on here about their wives accepting right away. That's not my expierience (wish it was), Some will say get a divorce but that can be selfish if you did not come clean at the beginning.If you came clean at the beginning and she was accepting (why did you marry her) There is a reason you and her got married. You know your wife better than we do. You got to ask yourself If you can be happy enough with how things are. Call me old fashion but when I got married I take the vow seriously.
today or ask yourself if thi

[Gaby2]

Hi Richell!
Your wife is unhappy about your crossdressing and you are trying to deal with it.
A very important factor is that she already knows and that's a big obstacle out of the way.
Does she know, as we all know, that your crossdressing will not simply go away?
Does she know that she is going to have to come to terms with crossdressing sooner or later, just like you?
Does she know about positive aspects of crossdressing, which I'm sure you're convinced of?
... and those are just some of the millions of questions and aspects that are well worth while ad(dressing) together.
Hoping all goes well,
Gaby

[erickka]

There is peace in our house as long as I keep it out of her face.

This is how my S/O deals with me too! LOL

[Erika_bagels]

Being single isn't for everyone either, and the OP didn't ask for advice on how to get a divorce. :)

Amen. Marriage is for some of us. OP didn't ask.

[VanessaVW]

Kathi and others have it right when they say talk it out. "You don't want to go there" is almost a "bring it on" to me. Maybe I'm a bit more open to discussion than others? One of my wife's rules is "wear whatever you want", but it took time and patience to get there. Did I mention how much I love her????