Confusing SO

[Diane Elizabeth]

My SO knows about my tg. She doesnot approve. Says its wrong. I am on HRT. She hasn't said anything about splitting up, yet. As much as she disapprove, she loans me a blouse one night, and Tuesday we were shoppong at Savers and she lets me buy a skirt and 3 tops. I even modeled them for her once we were home. How can she be willing to shop with me but wants no part of me dressing. She does call me by my male name when we were shopping.


Something to ponder about.

[sissystephanie]

It seems fairly obvious that she wants you to be a man!! Not a man who wants to be a lady, which is apparently what you are since you are on HRT! I would say the splitting up is definitely in the future!! Sorry, but that is the picture as I see it!

[AllieSF]

It sounds like you are in a confusing situation. You are married or at least in a serious relationship, TS on hormones, right? Now, I understand your confusion with her, but I also understand her situation too. You need to communicate more with her, being honest and also listening to what she says. If she does not say enough, ask more questions and then let her speak. She really is in a confusing situation because of your transitioning. If you can't seem to get the communication thing going so that you and she can better understand each other's points of view and thought process, then I would look for a couples counselor or even someone who has experience working with transgendered individuals, who can assist both of you to communicate better. Good luck.

[Karren H]

Obvious to me she's either has mixed emotions and is giving in a little or she's gathering evidence to use against you during a potential divorce....

[prettytoes]

I bought the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes" for my wife, and it really helped her to understand. Every woman is differant, but it seems to me that she loves you and wants you to be happy. She Maybe she needs some time to adjust? My wife has asked to not see me in a skirt or dress, yet nighties and panties are OK. She washes all my clothes, including skirts and sport bras. I am trying to take it slow and not make her uncomfortable. Maybe she is OK with you dressing, but just doesn't want it waved in front of her face. Good luck, I hope everything turns out OK for you.

[Cynthia Anne]

I think Karen may be right! I tend to lean towards 'giving in a little! Hope!

[NathalieX66]

Being on HRT is a loaded gun in this situation.
It's one thing to be crossdresser, even if you are out in public once in a while, it's another thing when you start changing your body and beyond. I would think that your SO would, and should have say in the matter. She is involved with you, and eventually she has to see herself in the grand scheme of your relationship, and it may not necessarily be agreeable to your wishes.
So, what's the plan on the final outcome?....have you both agreed on that?

[cd_in_de]

I have met your type of accepting woman before: she is accepting of the CD at certain times; at other times she is not. She obviously has limits on it. I once had a gf that loved my dressing in all aspects - except sex. I was allowed to dress anytime and she loved it, but when it came to sex, dressing was not okay.

[CarlaWestin]

Obvious to me she's either has mixed emotions and is giving in a little or she's gathering evidence to use against you during a potential divorce....

I've definitely lived through this one. My avatar photo was the work of my ex happily helping me dress and do make up. She was thrilled with my feminine expression. That photo was the centerpiece of her divorce case. No worry, she really F'ed herself in the long run. Now there is so much legal consideration for gender expression rights, it's not even an issue. Nowadays, crossdressing is COOL!

[Babeba]

How much does your spouse know? She knows about you being transgender, but does she know about the HRT? What are you hoping to achieve with HRT? Was your wife involved with that conversation? Do you intend to transition and live life as a female, or get SRS and legally become female? If you're not on the same page together, fully, I seriously suggest that you talk about things and quickly. Many wives who are trying to understand and accept will swing about in terms of their acceptance levels - even those of us who really are accepting sometimes have times that we just can't deal with something.

It could be that she's trying to take baby steps towards figuring this stuff out. I would suggest to give her time and encouragement before pushing to be female in front of her, if this relationship is important to you to keep. If she DOESN'T know about the HRT and (I'm guessing) transitioning, that is something which she desperately needs to know about as soon as possible! Even if you think she's figured out from hints - it deserves being talked about openly and plainly.

[Diane Elizabeth]

Thak you for all the advice and comments.

She knows everything. I doubt she is going to use it to harm me in a divorce. No kids with her. Some property to split. She has stated that we could live as gf, but not partners. She isn't into women. I think she expects it to be a phase I am going thru. Communications is weak between us and counceling is out for her. I have tried to explain it to her. This isn't a decision that came to me in a whiff of smoke. It has been there all my life and it just burst out of hiding over time.

[linda allen]

Being on HRT is a loaded gun in this situation.
It's one thing to be crossdresser, even if you are out in public once in a while, it's another thing when you start changing your body and beyond. I would think that your SO would, and should have say in the matter. She is involved with you, and eventually she has to see herself in the grand scheme of your relationship, and it may not necessarily be agreeable to your wishes.

My thoughts exactly. HRT changes everything. She married a man, now you're trying to change into a woman. That's way more than just dressing.

HRT doesn't just give you boobs, it messes with your entire body.

[Tina B.]

Starla, no surprise here, you are a women, in a mans body, or want to be, no other reason for HRT, Your wife is a women that wants to be with a man, there is nothing to explain. It's just what you want is not what a lot of women enter into a marriage looking for. She is willing to remain a friend (girl friend) but it's not what she whats in a lover. As I understand it, HRT makes a big change in the love life. Most women also what to have children, seems like she may see that slipping away also. You just can't make others want what you want, they always wind up wanting what they want, no matter what you want. Sorry but that's the way of life.
Tina

[Diane Elizabeth]

Tina, We are pass the child bearing stage. You are right about her wanting a man for a husband. But then again she seems to be more the man than I am in the sense that she doea the maintenance around the house. And handles the money and bills. She said that this isn't what I presented to her. I agree with that. But, I can say the same about issues with her and her family. There isn't any intimacy between us. Never had been much of that with her. Could not please her in that department. I pleased my boyfriend though. She knew I was bisexual before.

[Babeba]

Does she consider encouraging you to crossdress, but not in your transgender identity a form of compromise? I'm afraid that the only person who can really answer your question is your wife, rather than anyone on this board. I know that communication is tough, but it would really be worthwhile to try bringing it up again!

[ReineD]

Maybe she's in the unfortunate position of wanting to hang on the past, while being in denial about what's happening now with your transition. Maybe she does think of you as a male with a "hobby" and she is not willing to give this up. The mind does curious things.

Maybe she doesn't know of any other life for herself other than being with you, and even though she disapproves of the HRT she doesn't feel she has the choice or the resources to be on her own?

These are just guesses. You should ask her why she seems to be supportive when she tells you that she disapproves.

EDIT - I've just read your other post. She is clear then. She tells you she can no longer be your wife, but she is also unwilling to be on her own so she is willing to stay friends. Are you happy with this arrangement and do you think that she will be in the long run as well?

[Barbra P]

My Wife doesn’t approve of my cross dressing, yet she has bought me cosmetics, pantyhose, and a bra, so I sort of understand the mixed signals you are receiving. But, I’m not in HRT and that is a real game changer. You didn’t mention how long you have been in HRT, but eventually there are going to be some major changes to both your body and your emotions.

How is she going to react when you really like the changes brought on by HRT and tell her that you are ready for SRS? You mentioned that she is currently OK with living with you as GF’s, and that may be the best you can hope for. You wrote that the two of you are not intimate so living together as two women may work for you (I doubt that she is ever going to become a Lesbian on your account), then again when you start looking outside the home for intimacy she may have a problem with that.

You mentioned that you are bisexual and your SO knew it, but once you transition I seriously doubt that she will put up your BF’s. Being bisexual, and having had a BF, you may find that you much prefer having sex with a man as a woman, to having sex with a woman as a woman. Then again some MTF transsexuals remain attracted to women and have no desire to have sex with men and simply become Lesbians.

“I can say the same about issues with her and her family”, well this isn’t about her, and certainly not about her family. You are the one that initiated HRT and the outcome from that is that in the end you will likely to be more woman than man, even if you don’t go through with SRS. You may retain the external plumbing but you may very well present as a woman and once the hormones have done there thing you may very well think more like a woman than a man.

My Wife and I are not financially independent enough to live on our own if we were to split up but it sounds like you might be – HRT is not exactly cheap. But how is your SO financially, can she survive without you, or would life become a financial nightmare?

I wish you all the luck in the world in your search for happiness, but I also hope you have a very good Therapist. I also hope that you have discussed HRT with your Therapist and that you truly know what lies ahead for you.

[PretzelGirl]

I think it is simple (we overthink things sometimes). She loves you but she doesn't want to be married to a woman. She sees the path you are on and if you have made it far enough to be on hormones, she realizes she can't alter that path. So she helps with the clothes out of simple love.