more and more of those good moments, yet...

[arbon]

Those moments when I pass on the phone or when I am presenting male for work and get a "ma'am" just make me glow on the inside.

It is happening more and more frequently. It happened this morning already (one phone and one with a client in the shop). I look forward to those moments.

Yet when I look at pictures and reflections of myself I can't see how anyone can see me as woman. I don't think I pass at all. I assume everyone can see that I am trans.

And sometimes I do get over confident that I am passing only to get my bubble burst, which can usually knock me down and trigger a bad episode of depression. Happened last Friday in a bad way.

another day...

[Dawn cd]

I think sometimes people truly want us to be the person they sense we are trying to be. Does that make sense? Even when our physical presentation falls short, people discern that inner self we are struggling to give expression to, and they respond to her. It works especially when we're earnest and not just toying with gender expression. People--most of them, anyway--are basically good at heart. When they encounter people who are tying to express a deep, deep part of themselves they are moved to be supportive. This is not just superficial stuff we're doing. It's really soul-work.

[Katesback]

You touched on the more important aspect of transition. The bad things. Are you really ready to accept the chance of bad things happening?

Considering so few people ACTUALLY transition (in real life and in the real world) I would suggest this is the real focal point you should think about.

[arbon]

Are you really ready to accept the chance of bad things happening?

Considering so few people ACTUALLY transition (in real life and in the real world) I would suggest this is the real focal point you should think about.

Oh do you mean like can I accept losing my job, how much it hurts my family and fraks up their lives, if my daughter grows up hating me because of this, if I become an outcast in the community- the local tranny (how vulnerable does this leave my daughter to bullies and general BS!?), if I end up broke, homeless and alone, what happens if some of the good old boys I use to hang with catch me alone...etc.

All so I can feel - what is it? True to myself? Better about me? So I don't have to live in shame. So I don't feel like I am living a lie. So I can live more honestly. So I can function better, have less depression and don't have to feel like I want to die all the time. So I feel right with the world, whatever that means.

So I can be referred to as a "her" instead of a "he" and I can live as such in this world at least to some degree because that is who I feel I am.

I've given it plenty of thought and accept the risk. It is to late now if I wasn't. And so far it has been worth the risk.

Where I am with it all right now seems messy. Actually the whole journey to date has been messy - lots things happening and changing all the time. It is messier I think because I am at an impasse with my employer, but I still need the job, I don't think anyone in the community is likely to hire me now. Trying not to push to hard and hope things relax a bit with my boss, because maybe he will yet change his mind. In the meantime I show up to work somewhat male but am pushing the limits where ever I can. The rest of the time it's me the woman and I don't just sit around the house. In community this size I think a lot of people are finding it entertaining, certainly most think I am crazy by now. People don't know how to address me because I am changing back and forth all the time. It can be nerve wracking.

There are small victories like getting my voice right to pass when I answer the phone can mean a lot, gives me hope. When the fed-ex guy gives me a thank you ma'am when I am wearing a dudes shirt and have no make up on same thing - a bit of hope. Inner glow. A breath of air.

Then someone says something negative and I slip into the self pity bs, and think I am just kidding myself and why have hope at all?

The ups and downs are nasty sometimes.

But for some dumb reason I think it will all work itself out and the fact is that I DO feel better about myself, better then I ever have. There is another side to this, and someday I will get. Just hope I am still sane when I do (or maybe it is already to late?)

[Alexiz]

I believe it's important to keep your hopes up. As long as you believe in yourself and understand who you are, I think that's all that matters. I haven't gone out in many occasions dressed, and no one else really knows about my CD or possible desire for SRS, but I've come to realize that this is what I am.

I mean, I know that's all really self-explanatory and many people will tell you the same thing, but it's important to keep that in mind, all the time. It's hard, and I couldn't relate to your circumstances (yet, anyway..) but maybe you shouldn't mind others too much. There's always another way, and things will work out in the end, so long as you put your mind to it. It's never easy, but I believe that if there's something you truly want, it'll be attainable, and it'll be waiting for you at the end. So, don't give up and keep your spirits high! c:

[Hope]

I hear you sister. It sounds like we are in the same boat - and it can be both an exhilarating ride, and a pit of horrible frustration all in the same day. It makes me wonder when I pass and when I don't. Sometimes it is obvious - usually not. Is that guy who called me "Ma'm" just being polite? Ahhhhh! Over-thinking! Again!

Live for the good, and when the bad comes, remember it is only temporary - that we are getting better and better at this day by day. The hormones are doing their work, day by day. The voice will get better, day by day. But for now we just have to ironically "man up" and cope with the garbage. As my therapist LOVES to point out - "this is why they call it transition." If we were able to be perfect, all the time, strait out of the gate - there would be no transition. But we can't. SO we take the good, and learn from the bad.

Be glad you have a good voice. I am starting voice therapy - and so far it has just made me neurotic about it.

You CAN do this. You just have to be willing to do the work. Honestly, if you are out and about, and out to folks at work (even if they are not accepting) you have already done most of the hard work. Now it is refining things and making them perfect and coming up with the scratch to pay the surgeons.

You CAN do it.

[ReneeT]

You touched on the more important aspect of transition. The bad things. Are you really ready to accept the chance of bad things happening?

Considering so few people ACTUALLY transition (in real life and in the real world) I would suggest this is the real focal point you should think about.

I hesitate to ask this, Kate, but are you always such a downer or is it just on this forum? Your question is absolutely inane. Everyone who awakes and steps outside the door accepts the chance of bad things happening. Should we all stay inside with the blinds pulled? The girl is just looking for a bit of support.....

[JennyA]

Yes, Katesback is the Oxford Dictionary definition of a Pill.

Arbon, I like to take the negative parts or emotions that come with transitioning and see them as stepping stones and character builders. I want to get some negative reactions from people in public and mean comments. I've seen the start of my transition as being a time to build up a thick female skin and know what the punches are going to feel like so I can learn how to roll with them.

And congrats on passing with your voice! That was going to be one of the biggest hurdles to jump over and you're succeeding!

[Starling]

...All so I can feel - what is it? True to myself? Better about me? So I don't have to live in shame. So I don't feel like I am living a lie. So I can live more honestly. So I can function better, have less depression and don't have to feel like I want to die all the time...

That's effing powerful, Arbon.


...Honestly, if you are out and about, and out to folks at work (even if they are not accepting) you have already done most of the hard work...

Yes, the first step is the highest. I know this because I'm standing at the foot of the stairs, shaking in my boots. I've come out to a few close friends, but I know for my own sanity I must kick out the jams. Otherwise, I don't have a lot of life left.


...I've seen the start of my transition as being a time to build up a thick female skin and know what the punches are going to feel like so I can learn how to roll with them...

I think we all felt the lash of ridicule growing up when we got caught acting girly or committing some other gross infraction of the gender code, long before we knew what the hell was "wrong" with us.

How much worse could ignorant ridicule feel for you now, Jenny, when you're a battle-scarred veteran who's finally comfortable in her own skin?

Damn, what a soulful thread you people have begun.

:) Lallie

[Hope]

Yes, the first step is the highest. I know this because I'm standing at the foot of the stairs, shaking in my boots. I've come out to a few close friends, but I know for my own sanity I must kick out the jams. Otherwise, I don't have a lot of life left.

You are going to make it through too. You don't have to come out all at once, and you don't have to do it in any particular order. Do what is right for you when it is right for you.

It is never exactly "fun" but every time you do it it gets easier. And easier. And easier. But the first few times are a bitch - there is no way to avoid that. It will never come up naturally in conversation - you can never drop enough hints - eventually you simply must swallow the lump in your throat - summon all of your courage - and say it. Even if the room gets all spiny for a moment afterword.

It DOES get better.

In fact it gets freaking awesome.

You can do it too. You CAN.

[Andrea85]

You are going to make it through too. You don't have to come out all at once, and you don't have to do it in any particular order. Do what is right for you when it is right for you.

It is never exactly "fun" but every time you do it it gets easier. And easier. And easier. But the first few times are a bitch - there is no way to avoid that. It will never come up naturally in conversation - you can never drop enough hints - eventually you simply must swallow the lump in your throat - summon all of your courage - and say it. Even if the room gets all spiny for a moment afterword.

It DOES get better.

In fact it gets freaking awesome.

You can do it too. You CAN.

+1 to that. It took me the good part of 21 years to come out to everyone. A friend here, a friend there, then my parents. Now I'm full time and happy as can be. You don't have to have the courage to tell every single person you know at once, just enough for one at a time. Starting with friends made it easier to come out to my family. Helped me build the courage to tell my family. Just takes baby steps before you take off for a full blown run and everything will work out.

[arbon]

Reading what I wrote it sounds so bad, but it's not. It is not really so messy and don't have much to complain about. I really don't.

I still have my family. I still have my partner. Despite everything we get along great even though she has lost her husband. We are very close still, though neither of us is sexually attracted to the other. We talk about separating but neither of us really seems to want to. We live well together. We want to raise our daughter together. Maybe someday she will meet the right guy and that will be that. Or maybe I will , who knows. But I don't think we can ever stop loving each other.

My daughter still wants to do things with me. Still asks me to tuck her in ever night. She has not lost friends because of me (though her best friends parents are a little uptight about it all) She is not suffering. I am worried about middle school this next year but that is so hard to predict.

For now I still have a job. Today someone referred to me by my female name in front of my boss and he did not give me a hard time about it. This has happened a few times lately.

Mostly people treat me with respect and are friendly. Those not so cool about it don't really matter anyway.

Today I realized again how my perception of things can be way off from the reality. Especially when I assume certain people are wont accept me or be nice to me but then they do. I had two calls today from guys that were friends that I had not talked to since starting this. Like a some other people I was avoiding them assuming they were the types that would not/ could not accept what I was doing, then I finally talk to them and things are alright, not such a big deal at all. Go figure. Crap like that has happened to me a lot. I should give people more of an opportunity to let to judge me for themselves.

Most of my problems are simply of my own making because of negative thinking, and worrying about crap they may or may not happen.

It has given me thicker skin. In so many ways I have grown and am still growing. There are times when I get set off feeling very depressed or sorry for myself but those episodes are usually triggered more by getting him'd and sir'ed and not passing well or looking at pictures of myself. Dysphoria still gets going in my head. But with people....the fact that I can go out as I do blows my mind. I never could have imagined doing what I am doing I was scared to death. It was impossible. I would not be able to deal with peoples judgment of me. I always kept a very low profile and could not stand much attention and now I got a lot of attention and it is ok.

When I wrote the OP I was feeling down, in a bad space. But taking a closer look at everything it is all going better then I could have ever hopped and I feel good about it all. I try to think what it would be like to try to go back and I can't imagine it. I am actually very much free to discover who I am and become the woman I should be. The biggest problem I face is in my own thinking.

Just rambling a bit.

Thanks for every ones replies. Hope you all have a great 4th.