Andrea85
06-29-2011, 07:11 PM
This morning, I had the best confirmation that this is the right thing for me I could ever have had or even wished for. Ok, I'll just start from the beginning.
Woke up arond noonish or so. That's morning for me, lol. Gotta love being an insomniac. Anyway, got up, went and had my smoke and Sprite to wake up, and loved on my dog since she was feeling sick today. Long story there. While I was still out there, I realized that I was low on ciggs and Sprites, so I knew I needed to go to the store. But I didn't want to keep asking my dad to go for me.
BTW, Food City and Seymour Speedway Market are the 2 places that I'm extremely uncomfortable going. Food City because literally everyone in Seymour goes there and SSM cause the Muslim family that own it They give my dad really good deals on his smokes, and I don't want to weird them out and he not get a deal anymore.
Anyway, so I figured I'd just dress as a male since I still have male clothes and run there and back really quick. Sounds simple right? That's what I thought. Grabbed a ratty t shirt and jeans that I used to wear all the time. Soon as I put it on, no bra, but still had my panties on (hanging loose down there almost disgusts me now. I tuck literally 24/7, minus my shower.), and I realized it didn't feel right. It really didn't seem too odd to me at that point, figured I'd just gotten used to the tighter clothing and didn't like baggy stuff.
So I grabbed my last Sprite and left, and figured I'd take the long way just to go ride. Not 2 minutes down the road, I had an anxiety attack hit my like a shovel to the face. I ended up having to stop at a church and just sit there and cry for like 20 minutes. Once I calmed myself enough to drive, I took the even longer way so it would give me time to stop crying completely. Got to Food City, and on the way to the doors, I got the feeling that I was crossdressing or something. I just felt wrong. Horribly wrong. Inside, I felt like everyone was staring at me, even though I know no one was. So I rushed and got out of there as quick as I could. Went straight to SSM cause I could feel another attack coming. At that point, I knew I had to hurry my ass up and get home so I sped to SSM. The muslim woman there was nice as she always has been, gave me my dads deal, and I rushed home.
When I got here, I was shaking bad enough my dad noticed and got worried. I told him what happened and he tried talking me into taking an anxiety pill. I don't like pills so I said no, I was going to ride this one out. I curled up in my near pitch black room in bed holding my pillow for nearly an hour crying again. Once I stopped crying that time, I got the guy clothes off me and back into my womens clothes. Once I did that, the anxiety went away 100%.
Now, I've questioned in the back of my mind whether this is the right thing for me to do or not since I started a couple years ago. My ex fiance made that a bit worse on me unintentionally. Nothing against her, but looking back, us being together wasn't the best idea, other than her helping me come out to my parents. What I went through today was worse than the 21 years of lieing to myself and the world about who I really am. It was Hell for me, and I can promise I'll never put myself through that crap again. But even though it fell like Hell, that was the best conformation that this IS the right thing for me to do. It was so worth it to know for sure now.
Woke up arond noonish or so. That's morning for me, lol. Gotta love being an insomniac. Anyway, got up, went and had my smoke and Sprite to wake up, and loved on my dog since she was feeling sick today. Long story there. While I was still out there, I realized that I was low on ciggs and Sprites, so I knew I needed to go to the store. But I didn't want to keep asking my dad to go for me.
BTW, Food City and Seymour Speedway Market are the 2 places that I'm extremely uncomfortable going. Food City because literally everyone in Seymour goes there and SSM cause the Muslim family that own it They give my dad really good deals on his smokes, and I don't want to weird them out and he not get a deal anymore.
Anyway, so I figured I'd just dress as a male since I still have male clothes and run there and back really quick. Sounds simple right? That's what I thought. Grabbed a ratty t shirt and jeans that I used to wear all the time. Soon as I put it on, no bra, but still had my panties on (hanging loose down there almost disgusts me now. I tuck literally 24/7, minus my shower.), and I realized it didn't feel right. It really didn't seem too odd to me at that point, figured I'd just gotten used to the tighter clothing and didn't like baggy stuff.
So I grabbed my last Sprite and left, and figured I'd take the long way just to go ride. Not 2 minutes down the road, I had an anxiety attack hit my like a shovel to the face. I ended up having to stop at a church and just sit there and cry for like 20 minutes. Once I calmed myself enough to drive, I took the even longer way so it would give me time to stop crying completely. Got to Food City, and on the way to the doors, I got the feeling that I was crossdressing or something. I just felt wrong. Horribly wrong. Inside, I felt like everyone was staring at me, even though I know no one was. So I rushed and got out of there as quick as I could. Went straight to SSM cause I could feel another attack coming. At that point, I knew I had to hurry my ass up and get home so I sped to SSM. The muslim woman there was nice as she always has been, gave me my dads deal, and I rushed home.
When I got here, I was shaking bad enough my dad noticed and got worried. I told him what happened and he tried talking me into taking an anxiety pill. I don't like pills so I said no, I was going to ride this one out. I curled up in my near pitch black room in bed holding my pillow for nearly an hour crying again. Once I stopped crying that time, I got the guy clothes off me and back into my womens clothes. Once I did that, the anxiety went away 100%.
Now, I've questioned in the back of my mind whether this is the right thing for me to do or not since I started a couple years ago. My ex fiance made that a bit worse on me unintentionally. Nothing against her, but looking back, us being together wasn't the best idea, other than her helping me come out to my parents. What I went through today was worse than the 21 years of lieing to myself and the world about who I really am. It was Hell for me, and I can promise I'll never put myself through that crap again. But even though it fell like Hell, that was the best conformation that this IS the right thing for me to do. It was so worth it to know for sure now.