DonniDarkness
07-01-2011, 06:58 PM
Hi friends,
i wrote this a few weeks ago after returning from our vacation but i havnt posted it because i was unsure about it. So here its goes. Enjoy.........
Last week my family and i went on a vacation to the beaches in Panama City FL. This was not a time for me to get out and about so if your reading this expecting a story about the adventures of Donni then i am inclined to inform you that its just boring old me.....My wife and i have been discussing lately the prospect of going out tho so this post will be filled with my thoughts and anxieties about going out for the first time. So this trip has had a double meaning for both me and my wife, on one side we were taking the fam for a well deserved vacation...and on the other we were scouting for places that we might both be comfortable in exploring as Donni and Sugarmomma.
Being a Artist, my imagination goes wild sometimes and i have to slow myself down and take a step back so i can see the true perspective of things.
My kids had a wonderful time exploring all the sights and sounds of this vacation paradise and it was fulfilling as a father to see them enjoying themselves so much. My wife the sun goddess enjoyed her time as well worshiping the sun in all its glory and i got some much needed time for reflection and scribbling in my sketchbook. While sitting at the pool there were about 60+ people doing much the same as we were....one of my favorite things to do is people watch...(those of you who are artists know what i mean)... I like to observe others being themselves while drawing, it gives me insight to others anxieties and social interactions. For some odd reason it is calming for me to see others interacting with each other from a third person perspective. One of the things that i noticed while sitting there is the common insecurity of the men at the pool....most of the men have a hard time looking each other in the eyes while talking or conversing...i witnessed three guys talking about something for about 15 min standing side by side never once making eye contact. I found it incredibly odd being someone who makes eye contact with those i converse with....Could that be my feminine side? Maybe, i did notice that most of the women at the pool who were engaged in conversation were for the most part making glancing eye contact and nodding (practicing good listening skills). So that leads me to the next thought in this social thesis....
Do we as men having a effeminate side to us make masculine men uncomfortable when conversing with them because eye contact is a subconscious form of either sexual tension or aggression? Lol i think way too hard about this stuff sometimes....
So if these social interactions that many men practice subconsciously, like the lack of eye contact, are ingrained as either feminine or hostile actions, then how do they see eye contact from someone who has pushed thru the gender-bending that is crossdressing? Hostility? Femininity? Or wanted/unwanted attraction?
For example i was in the elevator with my wife when another couple boarded the elevator. This couple was obviously the Gym Buddy couple, the guy was HUGE and his wife looked like she could wrestle and alligator while being the prom queen. Now my wife and i are coming from the beach and in our beach attire, her in an awesome bikini and me with my shirt off wearing my flowery boardshorts....As they walk into the elevator the guy looks forward at me then quickly turns his head away as we make eye contact....i just smiled...the girl looks at me and smiles as i smile back and i say "how are yall doing?" she replied "Good", but the big guy just turned away from my wife and i more....almost in an act of "Ok dont talk to me"....Was my eye contact taken as hostility? his actions seemed to portray that....even tho this guy could smash the girly man you all know and love as Donni, he still saw me as being aggressive in social interaction....well i mean i just think that....not something i would have openly asked him being the recipient of male aggression in my past. But it makes me wonder about the social hostility that could have incurred had i been in full drag. Would they have just waited for the next elevator? or Would they have been less hostile as i would have been portrayed as a woman?....Food for thought...
So moving on....We went out to this place called Pier Park...its like an outside mall...small clothing and knick knack shoppes woven in between food courts and playgrounds for the kids. It was heaven....they had couture shops and trendy shops and stores with nothing but accessories for women....Shoes....i even saw a monkey.....yup a monkey...lol
We had alot of fun walking around and seeing the sights. As we were walking around my wife and i noticed a girl and a boy in the highschool age walking towards us, the girl was wearing a black bandeau top, bikini bottoms with a crotchet top that looked like a dress (could totally see thru it) a Madonna hat and of all things Guys Combat boots(it was the perfect picture of the 80's), the guy was dressed in a rather Cyber nerd fashion. Both were adorable, and it reminded me of when i was younger and making fashion statements by wearing my goth stuff out in the "normal" population. As we were walking my wife saw them too, she said "look"....so i did....as these two kids were walking along, the crowd in general turned to look at them as they walked past, some of the couples just looked at each other and smiled....some looked and turned away shaking their heads in disapproval...My wife and i both chuckled with each other about the reactions of the crowd about a couple of kids expressing themselves. They were oblivious to the crowd tho, engaged in their own conversation with each other. As my wife and i walked along and explored some more the girl and guy crossed paths with us again, as they walk by the girl makes eye contact with me and the guy does for just long enough to look quickly back down at the ground...the girl just walked by keeping eyes on me as she walks by...thats when it hit me....She was like me, i dont know how exactly i read her but i was quickly dismissing the thought in my head for being judgmental....Then my wife without missing a beat whispers to me "Im pretty sure she is a CD too"....I looked back at her and said "Really i was just dismissing that thought"
She replied "yeah babe, Do you feel better knowing that there are other CD's here" (in the context of this place being somewhere we can go as a couple while i am enfemme)....I said "yes, but its even more inspiring to see the younger generation pave the way for the next....and its even more gratifying that the young kids are using the 80's and goth style to do it"..........For a small moment i felt connected to the youth of today vicariously thru the styles we wore and made part of trendy fashion. If she was really a CD we will never know, but dear if your a member here, you were fabulous, keep being you!.
The next day, our beach vacation was coming to an end, we packed everything up and headed home. Its a decent drive from where we were staying to our house, so it gave me some time to think and reflect about where i am with being transgender. It seems the more i try to understand others thoughts and actions towards me the closer to the door Little Miss Donni gets. It wont be long now before im out and about.....its something that i have had a really hard time understanding about myself, but am trying to accept. I have been out wearing womens clothes before when i was very young, but never presented as a woman. Now after all these years of denial and self hate, i have alot of walls to break down internally.....But im working on it....See you in the World soon friends....
Entertaining Possibility,
-Donni-
i wrote this a few weeks ago after returning from our vacation but i havnt posted it because i was unsure about it. So here its goes. Enjoy.........
Last week my family and i went on a vacation to the beaches in Panama City FL. This was not a time for me to get out and about so if your reading this expecting a story about the adventures of Donni then i am inclined to inform you that its just boring old me.....My wife and i have been discussing lately the prospect of going out tho so this post will be filled with my thoughts and anxieties about going out for the first time. So this trip has had a double meaning for both me and my wife, on one side we were taking the fam for a well deserved vacation...and on the other we were scouting for places that we might both be comfortable in exploring as Donni and Sugarmomma.
Being a Artist, my imagination goes wild sometimes and i have to slow myself down and take a step back so i can see the true perspective of things.
My kids had a wonderful time exploring all the sights and sounds of this vacation paradise and it was fulfilling as a father to see them enjoying themselves so much. My wife the sun goddess enjoyed her time as well worshiping the sun in all its glory and i got some much needed time for reflection and scribbling in my sketchbook. While sitting at the pool there were about 60+ people doing much the same as we were....one of my favorite things to do is people watch...(those of you who are artists know what i mean)... I like to observe others being themselves while drawing, it gives me insight to others anxieties and social interactions. For some odd reason it is calming for me to see others interacting with each other from a third person perspective. One of the things that i noticed while sitting there is the common insecurity of the men at the pool....most of the men have a hard time looking each other in the eyes while talking or conversing...i witnessed three guys talking about something for about 15 min standing side by side never once making eye contact. I found it incredibly odd being someone who makes eye contact with those i converse with....Could that be my feminine side? Maybe, i did notice that most of the women at the pool who were engaged in conversation were for the most part making glancing eye contact and nodding (practicing good listening skills). So that leads me to the next thought in this social thesis....
Do we as men having a effeminate side to us make masculine men uncomfortable when conversing with them because eye contact is a subconscious form of either sexual tension or aggression? Lol i think way too hard about this stuff sometimes....
So if these social interactions that many men practice subconsciously, like the lack of eye contact, are ingrained as either feminine or hostile actions, then how do they see eye contact from someone who has pushed thru the gender-bending that is crossdressing? Hostility? Femininity? Or wanted/unwanted attraction?
For example i was in the elevator with my wife when another couple boarded the elevator. This couple was obviously the Gym Buddy couple, the guy was HUGE and his wife looked like she could wrestle and alligator while being the prom queen. Now my wife and i are coming from the beach and in our beach attire, her in an awesome bikini and me with my shirt off wearing my flowery boardshorts....As they walk into the elevator the guy looks forward at me then quickly turns his head away as we make eye contact....i just smiled...the girl looks at me and smiles as i smile back and i say "how are yall doing?" she replied "Good", but the big guy just turned away from my wife and i more....almost in an act of "Ok dont talk to me"....Was my eye contact taken as hostility? his actions seemed to portray that....even tho this guy could smash the girly man you all know and love as Donni, he still saw me as being aggressive in social interaction....well i mean i just think that....not something i would have openly asked him being the recipient of male aggression in my past. But it makes me wonder about the social hostility that could have incurred had i been in full drag. Would they have just waited for the next elevator? or Would they have been less hostile as i would have been portrayed as a woman?....Food for thought...
So moving on....We went out to this place called Pier Park...its like an outside mall...small clothing and knick knack shoppes woven in between food courts and playgrounds for the kids. It was heaven....they had couture shops and trendy shops and stores with nothing but accessories for women....Shoes....i even saw a monkey.....yup a monkey...lol
We had alot of fun walking around and seeing the sights. As we were walking around my wife and i noticed a girl and a boy in the highschool age walking towards us, the girl was wearing a black bandeau top, bikini bottoms with a crotchet top that looked like a dress (could totally see thru it) a Madonna hat and of all things Guys Combat boots(it was the perfect picture of the 80's), the guy was dressed in a rather Cyber nerd fashion. Both were adorable, and it reminded me of when i was younger and making fashion statements by wearing my goth stuff out in the "normal" population. As we were walking my wife saw them too, she said "look"....so i did....as these two kids were walking along, the crowd in general turned to look at them as they walked past, some of the couples just looked at each other and smiled....some looked and turned away shaking their heads in disapproval...My wife and i both chuckled with each other about the reactions of the crowd about a couple of kids expressing themselves. They were oblivious to the crowd tho, engaged in their own conversation with each other. As my wife and i walked along and explored some more the girl and guy crossed paths with us again, as they walk by the girl makes eye contact with me and the guy does for just long enough to look quickly back down at the ground...the girl just walked by keeping eyes on me as she walks by...thats when it hit me....She was like me, i dont know how exactly i read her but i was quickly dismissing the thought in my head for being judgmental....Then my wife without missing a beat whispers to me "Im pretty sure she is a CD too"....I looked back at her and said "Really i was just dismissing that thought"
She replied "yeah babe, Do you feel better knowing that there are other CD's here" (in the context of this place being somewhere we can go as a couple while i am enfemme)....I said "yes, but its even more inspiring to see the younger generation pave the way for the next....and its even more gratifying that the young kids are using the 80's and goth style to do it"..........For a small moment i felt connected to the youth of today vicariously thru the styles we wore and made part of trendy fashion. If she was really a CD we will never know, but dear if your a member here, you were fabulous, keep being you!.
The next day, our beach vacation was coming to an end, we packed everything up and headed home. Its a decent drive from where we were staying to our house, so it gave me some time to think and reflect about where i am with being transgender. It seems the more i try to understand others thoughts and actions towards me the closer to the door Little Miss Donni gets. It wont be long now before im out and about.....its something that i have had a really hard time understanding about myself, but am trying to accept. I have been out wearing womens clothes before when i was very young, but never presented as a woman. Now after all these years of denial and self hate, i have alot of walls to break down internally.....But im working on it....See you in the World soon friends....
Entertaining Possibility,
-Donni-