Comfort, Safety, Invisibility...

[Genivieve]

Hmmm...I want to make this concise but...

I recently spent a few days in downtown L.A. to see Les Miserables then went to Hollywood to shop the following week. I saw 5 or so CD/Trans people. All of them walked about confidently and made little effort to hide who they were.

I took the names of hotels in the area while strolling. I noticed some seedy elements but tried not to judge. At home, I checked reviews of the affordable lodging and many people made note of how unsafe it was to stay there.

A part of me feels like it would be nice to go out and have no one pay any attention to my being dressed. There are far stranger sights in those locales. Then, the shameful part of me realizes that going to such places just to feel "invisible" or "accepted" places me amongst the elements of society that many look down upon (drug dealers, prostitutes, pimps, addicts). Now that I think of it some of the aforementioned characters are not nearly as evil as one would think. However, the environment created could be dangerous.

The alternative is to stay somewhere local...suburban conservative where I wouldn't feel so out of place in male mode but would be a bit scared to go out dressed. Staying locally is actually cheaper too. This is such a bad time to get a hotel with the holiday weekend but it will be my last chance to dress for at least a week or two. What do you think?

[Jodi]

For safety--my experience going out has shown that the more upscale that you go, the safer you are and more accepting people are. Yes, it costs a little more, but it is worth it.

Jodi

[Eryn]

The alternative is to stay somewhere local...suburban conservative where I wouldn't feel so out of place in male mode but would be a bit scared to go out dressed. Staying locally is actually cheaper too. This is such a bad time to get a hotel with the holiday weekend but it will be my last chance to dress for at least a week or two. What do you think?

The question is whether you wish to risk running into somebody you know if you stay local. For me, that alone makes the idea a non-starter. For others the concern isn't as great.

Like Jodi said, upscale is better for safety.

[Genivieve]

Ok! Thanks for both of those insights. Strangely enough I ran into an old college friend who lives across the state while I was strolling there. Very random but it will always be a possibility. I'll spend the extra money for safety.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Genivieve, I live in the LA area, in Studio City, which is just over the hill from Hollywood. I can get to hollywood in less than 10 minutes. If you want to be able to explore the hollywood area but not feel worried about the place you'll be sleeping at, I recommend looking into one of the motels in the Valley not far from the 101. Then you can simply stay there and drive into Hollywood if need be. I go walking around Ventura Blvd in Studio City on a regular basis dressed as a guy in a skirt, which means I'm making no effort at all to blend in, and yet I've been there for over a year now and I've never had any worries about my safety when walking around there, which I've occasionally had when I'm in Downtown LA (usually regardless of how I'm dressed.)

I guess my point is that staying just a little bit further away, like the Valley, or Los Feliz, or Silverlake, might save you a bit of money but also allow you the security you want when you're not out exploring the city.

[docrobbysherry]

Geni, I think it comes down to how much importance u put on, "passing", and/or, "blending".

Personally, I can't pass and have little interest in blending! Maybe u should organize, or join, a group of girls going out to a gender friendly venue! Then, I've found those two items shrink in importance! And, probably explains why the; SCC, DLV, and other TG/CD gatherings r so popular!

[Genivieve]

JiveTurkey! that felt good to say! It's a long story which I will gladly share but I can't afford to drive just yet. You are right though.
Silverlake, Atwater, Los Feliz, and some of the surrounding areas are pretty open minded. I'm in Glendale. I've seen T-girls harassed from automobiles here. I saw a trans girl a few weeks ago in the mall walking with pride over 6 feet tall and EVERYONE stopped to look. I'm proud of her but I don't have that confidence yet...well I'm not that confident in anything I do much less this.


DocRobby...I am getting to a point where I know I wont pass without some HRT or cosmetic procedures but I still want to look as classy and presentable as possible. I won't be wearing stilettos and crazy makeup. It would be nice to go somewhere though where passing is optional. I can be an all or nothing type. I will try my best to look natural. After that, its out of my control. I would be easily read where I live and possibly harassed.

I know in the big picture that doesn't matter. I hope to get to a place where I can just "be." I just have soo much shame, guilt, and fear about these desires from way back. I do not want my first outing to scar me in any way. I also am a bit confused about where this will all go. What I do know is that my goal this year is to step out dressed. I've said it before but I wanted to do this since I was a kid. Passing will matter much less after I get some experience and confidence.

Oh and I have been trying to get groups together and a few forum members have been so amazing. I just need some more practice and comfort before I organize a group effort.

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

Yes, Glendale is definitely not a place I would feel as comfortable going as some other places in LA. In general I tend to try to avoid places where any one specific cultural group is super-consolidated because it tends to be that those places are less open minded, as by their very nature they tend to be a little cloistered off from the world and it's differences.

To your other point, I think the trick is to stop thinking of passing as meaning "looking like a perfect female" and think of it more as, "looking comfortable, presentable, and like you belong." Even in the rare occasions when I dress in full "en femme" mode, I know I don't make a convincing woman aside from perhaps a few seconds in a camera lens, but I know I look good and as long as I'm relaxed I don't tend to get hassled. Most people just either don't notice or just let it go.

As I said in another thread, people tend to take their cues from you. If your vibe is one of fear and concern, people will treat you like you're doing something wrong because that is the energy you're putting out. If you are being super bold screaming "Yeah, here I am, look at me!" with your attire and body language, people will stare, like the girl you mentioned at the mall. But if you present as "this is, me, so what?" people tend to feel the same, "so what?"

[sissystephanie]

In the 6 years since my wife passed away I have gone out dressed enfemme many times, in many different cities. That does include Hollywood!! The difference is that since my wife is no longer available to do my makeup or fix my wig, I don't do either!! I go out dressed totally as a woman, but looking like the man that I am!! And in the 6 year period, I have not heard one single negative comment!! I have had had lots of compliments on my oufits, from both men and women, but nothing negative. And some of the areas I have been in are not the best to be in!! The truth is that most people don't really pay much attention to your clothes unless you intentionally dress to make them look! I have never done that!! And of course your attitude is important! I walk around like I belong there, and the clothes I wear are my business and not anybody elses!! Maybe I am being stupid, but so far it has kept me happy!! BTW, I usually stay in Medium hotels, since I do have a Scotch background!!

[Cynthia Anne]

Safe for you is utmost the important thing you can do! For me, however I don't play it safe! Neither do I go to unsafe places on perpose! I love to pass but seldon do! I may have only one leg but this country girl doesn't back down! I let them know that if you're looking for trouble, look right in my face! You play it safe and have a great time! Hugs!

[Karren H]

I stay at Holiday inns and shop at Walmarts in the middle of the bible belt os southern WV and have never had an issue with safety. I do stay away from places where groups of teens would hang out. Other than that I have never felt threatened or unsafe.

[joanna4]

I was in downtown LA and chinatown twice last week and I did noticed that also. Anyways I would love to help out as I'm not too far away.

[Intertwined]

I go out dressed totally as a woman, but looking like the man that I am!! And in the 6 year period, I have not heard one single negative comment!! I have had had lots of compliments on my oufits, from both men and women, but nothing negative.

Which brings up a therory of mine, Most of the bad incidents I've read about CD, have been when that person is " read ", and I believe (i might be wrong) it's because these people feel they have been lied to. When I go out, there is no mistaking I am a man, shaved head, no makeup, yet, im in a skirt or dress, and 5 inch heels, the worst I have heard is a few " Oh My Gawd ", or giggles.


And of course your attitude is important! I walk around like I belong there, and the clothes I wear are my business and not anybody elses!!

I agree about the attitude, it's nature, if you appear not to belong where your at, your an invader in their territory, add to that, if they see fear, your an easy target that won't fight back.


Maybe I am being stupid, but so far it has kept me happy!!

This makes me think of a line from a poem Ode on a Distant Prospect of Eton College by Thomas Gray
Thought would destroy their paradise.
No more; where ignorance is bliss,
'Tis folly to be wise

[Genivieve]

I'm on an IPod right now but I want to respond to you individually because everyone has made such a great specific point. You members of this forum have astounded yet again during a stressful time and inspired me. You're fantastic. I want to comment and ask some more questions when I'm not on a dumb touch screen. What can I say??? Thank you !

[Vickie_CDTV]

Hmmm...I want to make this concise but...
A part of me feels like it would be nice to go out and have no one pay any attention to my being dressed. There are far stranger sights in those locales. Then, the shameful part of me realizes that going to such places just to feel "invisible" or "accepted" places me amongst the elements of society that many look down upon (drug dealers, prostitutes, pimps, addicts). Now that I think of it some of the aforementioned characters are not nearly as evil as one would think. However, the environment created could be dangerous.

You don't have to judge them (in the biblical sense), but that does not mean you should not follow your gut instincts. They may or may not be "evil", but those kind of folks are potentially dangerous, as are the places they tend to congregate; not to mention with the drugs they might not be in their right mind and could be unpredictable. You also have to factor that as a trans person, if there is any kind of trouble the police might assume you are one of them (as unfair as it is.) Follow your instincts, and stay away from those areas.

As others have said, go upscale if you can. Even if you can't go very upscale, you are far safer going dressed to a mall or mainstream restaurant and not passing than going into a bad area and passing.

[Sara Jessica]

Gen, your thread and several of the replies bring to mind so many ideas as to advice I can offer. I'll so so kind of randomly, hoping that it eventually comes together to make some sense.

1) Wow, your first time out, that must be a very exciting feeling. Here's where I think you are going wrong. I believe you are over-thinking the whole thing.

I was in my mid-20's when I first stepped out. While I'm not that old, it was at a time when there was no such thing as the internet so I was simply following my instincts, that it seemed right to go out and about. I had no access to advice about where to go, what to wear, what it meant to blend rather than pass. I just did my thing and thankfully, there are no pictures to demonstrate what a hot mess I'm sure I was. My point is that sometimes we need to adopt the old Nike adage and "just do it", if it is something that is truly in your heart to experience.

2) That said, where does it say that to blend in, to be invisible, that we must be willing to explore what might be called the seedy side of town??? First and foremost, I would never go anywhere that my safety would be in question. I wouldn't be likely to go the places you describe in guy mode, let alone when presenting as female. On the other hand, I would go, and have gone, to Glendale and many other places in SoCal with zero issues. These include Americana, Beverly Center, Ventura Blvd., Hollywood, places in the Valley, some nicer spots in downtown LA, the South Bay, you name it. My point is that all of these places are simply places people go, where any woman could go and feel reasonably safe.

3) Attitude is very important. Because you haven't been out, you have no idea what to expect and therefore it is reasonable that your concept of attitude when presenting as female is pretty much non-existent. For your first time, you may or may not adopt a goal of blending. This in and of itself should take a lot of the edge off when it comes to the Muggles perception of you. In other words, it may take two glances for you to be read as TG instead of just one should you be totally overdressed when it comes to time, place, weather and/or event. Yet this is a key point, YOU WILL BE READ. Once you accept this, life is much easier and your outings will become much more positive.

The bottom line Gen is that the world is your oyster. The people you encounter when out and about are not likely to be seen ever again so if they read you as TG, who cares? Ryan says it well when he suggests that you behave as if you belong. All of these things are easier said than done, I'm sure, when just the thought of stepping out as your true self brings with it an increase in your heart rate. So hopefully with the tidbits of advice from these pages, you will be much better prepared to step out than I ever was, yet you still need to resist temptation to over-analyze things. Just do it and have fun!!! :)