I could use some advise please

[Diane Lynn]

I am living with a Woman I met in 2008. I told her of my cross dressing, and was interested in participateing. She started doing my hair and makeup. We went out a lot over the following 3 years. We ment to museums, movies, concerts, shopping trips. I also wert out alone after she did may hair and makeup. I went to a saloon and had my wig cut. I have gooten pedi's and mani's drfessed in both genders.

The woman I am living with and I are engaged. Last weekend she told me to leave because of my cross dressing. She is letting me stay if I stop cross dressing, after I spend Saturday and Sunday drinking until I passed out. I am normally not a drinker.

I do not want to live without dressing, but I will fight it best as I can. I agreed to sell most of my cloths. I am keeping my favorites that look best on me. I am even selling my black evening dress.

I have thought about trasitioning, but it is cost preventitive. If I had the money, I would do it now.

[Sedona]

Well, hmmmm. It sounds great that your girlfriend has been so accepting in the past, but I wonder what changed? Did you recently let her know your thoughts about transitioning? Clothes are one thing, but like most women, perhaps your desire to transition would be a line she won't cross?

[Joanne f]

I have to agree with Sedona , it is one thing to have your SO cross dress but quite another to have them transition , it sounds like you have been allowed to run with it but you have now run to far and left you partner out of sight . whether you just got carried along with the tide or you really want to transition only you will know but for the mean time i think you have scared your partner quite a lot .
For the wife`s/SOs that do stick around when their partners transition have to have this extra special thing about them and bond that very few have but thankfully they are about just few and far between and you have to admire them .

[Rianna Humble]

I am living with a Woman I met in 2008. I told her of my cross dressing, and was interested in participating.
...
Last weekend she told me to leave because of my cross dressing.
...

I have thought about transitioning, but it is cost preventitive. If I had the money, I would do it now.

Before you give away all of your stuff, please sit down and discuss with your fiancee about what has changed to make her feel this way. People don't change that radically overnight, please listen to her feelings even more than to her words.

It may well turn out be the last line that I have quoted, but please allow her to express it in her own way. As others have said, it is one thing to be with a man who likes to dress but quite another to be with someone who wishes they could transition.

Are you really suffering from acute Gender Dysphoria, or could this be a symptom of the dreaded Pink Fog? If it is the first, then things will only get worse and it would be unfair to put your gf through that.

[Diane Lynn]

I have not told her about transitioning. She see's how happy I am when I dress, and has made her own conclusion.

[Kaz]

Well something happened for her to change so suddenly. You need to identify that trigger. It may not be what you assume it be.

[Cynthia Anne]

I do not want to live without dressing, but I will fight it best as I can. I agreed to sell most of my cloths. I am keeping my favorites that look best on me. I am even selling my black evening dress.

I have thought about trasitioning, but it is cost preventitive. If I had the money, I would do it now.

Befofe you rid yourself of anything including your happiness you need to stop and think! You already proved you can't quit! So having a relationship based on deceit spells T.R.O.U.B.L.E.!

[Sedona]

Sarah,

Couple things: To go from "let's get dolled up together and go out," to "stop CDing, sell your stuff or get out" is certainly suspicious.

The possibility exists that she's using CDing as an excuse to break things off for another reason. If she really has no inkling that you're pondering transitioning, something else in your relationship may have soured. I strongly agree with Rianna that you need to have a good talk with your S.O.

Whether it's CDing or not, get this figured out before you make any more wedding plans, or it may be a short marriage, if it makes it that far. Better to move on with your life now, rather than be miserable for the next 5 or 20 years. Plus, you'll end up buying back your stuff anyway. Why waste all that money? I hope there's an easy fix, and best of luck, ok?

I hope a couple of our resident GGs will chime in with the female perspective.

[Princess Chantal]

It could be that she may be okay with crossdressing, however not as kosher on transitioning. She may see the level of your crossdressing trending more into the transitioning waters in which she is not comfortable with.

[Julogden]

Whatever you do, do NOT marry her. You would be beyond foolish to do so. Your gender issues are NOT going to go away, and ignoring them for the rest of your life is not going to work. Don't even think about getting married and then not dressing by going cold turkey. Don't sell your stuff, you'll only end up regretting it.

It sounds to me like this is a doomed relationship. If I were you, I'd end it 100%, immediately. Don't look back.

I recently posted about a friend who met a younger, accepting woman who immediately turned 180% once they were married. She was totally accepting and encouraging prior to getting married, but shortly after the wedding, she divorced my friend and literally took everything he owned, house, car, money, it all went to her. It had all been part of her plan, and there are more women out there like that, so whatever you do, do not marry her, she may be planning on doing something like that.

Carol

[sometimes_miss]

I have thought about trasitioning, but it is cost preventitive. If I had the money, I would do it now.
Actions speak louder than words; women are experts at the old 'non verbal communication'. She knows, whether you say anything or not. And the very vast majority of women want a man, not a woman as a romantic mate. Disclaimer too; even women that want a woman as a mate don't want a transsexual MTF as a mate, they want a genotype, phenotype FEMALE.

Sadly, unless we're interested in males, with very, very rare exception, we're pretty much on our own out here. I really don't think that's any surprise. You guys who have a loving GG in your lives? Don't ever forget how very lucky you are. I'd rather have that than win the lottery.

[Cristi]

I'm sorry you came so close to a beautiful ending only to have it fall apart, but I agree with the above post. What non-CDs don't understand is that it is NOT something that we can just 'turn off', no matter how much we'd love to be able to do so to make others happy.

It would be like telling somebody "I'd love you forever, if you could just never ever sleep again". Sure, you could TRY to never sleep to make her happy. Heck, I'm wide awake now and don't have any need to nap so how hard could it be? To show you how committed I am, I'll even sell my bed and pillow. But it is doomed to failure eventually... and in this case the failure in the future when you DO realize that it is a part of you that you can't give up will be more painful than just walking away now.

If she ever really understood you, she wouldn't be asking this of you now. The fact that she is is not a good sign for the future of an equal sharing marriage.

Sorry... :(

[sissystephanie]

Sarah,

You have to look at the situation from her standpoint as well as yours. You say that you haven't talked with her about doing a transition, but you would like to. She is a GG and you are a male!! That is the attraction between the 2 of you, at least from her standpoint. From your happiness in dressing you have made it pretty clear that you really like being a female. She is obviously not attracted to that!! I sincerely doubt that the 2 of you will be together for very long. She wants a normal male to female marriage and you don't!! So you will have to look elsewhere for the right person for you Lexi said it very well in her post!!

[L'eggs n' heels]

Be yourself and kick her to the curb, that's my advice. My ex was cool with my dressing up early in our relationship, even did my make-up a few times. As time went by she was less comfortable with it and said it was OK but didn't want to see it. She said only to do it at home with all the curtains closed because OH MY GOD, what if someone found out? The world might end. She said don't dare go out in public like that, (too late, I already did). She started asking if I was gay, if I had a secret boyfriend and if I wanted to be a woman and I answered NO to all three, because I was telling the truth. Be who you are and get that manipulative b**** out of your life. As far as transitioning goes, think long and hard about it, really meditate on that one.

[Sedona]

Sarah, with all due respect to a couple of the other posters here, I think it's foolish advice to say "ditch her right now!" None of us know you, none of us know your fiancee, and none of us is a professional relationship counsellor (and if one of us claims to be, remember, how do you really know?). We are reading a one-sided report through the few sentences you've written. Be your own best judge. Who knows, this could all be some bizarre misunderstanding between you and your lady. Take most of our advice (including mine) with a grain of salt, but it's never bad advice to talk with your partner and get this figured out for yourselves.

[Melissa Rose]

Sarah, I'm sorry about your relationship coming to this difficult crossroad. Before you throw anything away, clothes or the relationship, you should take a big step back and take a deep, honest look at the situation. More specifically, how have you changed since 2008? Have you gone further into your cross dressing whether it is frequency, duration, cost, your behaviors and mannerisms, or even how much it is a topic of conversation. Have other behaviors of yours changed or stopped? They may be ones your fiancee adored about you, but now sees them as missing or diminished.

Obviously, your fiancee's attitude and feelings have changed, but as others have stated, something has caused this to happen. It may be mainly her, but you should also take a good look at your possible contribution. It may seem subtle and minor to you, but it could be major for her. It is very hard to do and we are often blind to our own changes and faults. This is NOT placing the blame on you. People change within relationships which is natural and expected. Sometimes those changes strengthen the relationship, have little affect or they can weaken it. The only way to find out is to have a honest talk with her. Listen a lot and use more than your ears and brain. Stay away from judgement and blame. The idea is for both of your to develop an understanding and some insight then you can make the best decision, and not a hasty one based on raw emotion and assumption. You owe it to the both of you. Good luck with everything. It will a bumpy ride, but one I sincerely hope smooths out before too long.

[Angiemead12]

lots of great advice here already, I hope you find a solution to your problem. I just found out from my wife that she has issues if people found out her husband was transgendered yet she helps me out as best as she can and when she feels threatened she will be snappy and fight me. Its up and down but better than not having any help at all.

[Briana90802]

The one thing I was upfront with my SO when our relationship started was No Tests! I refuse to tolerate any sort of situation where she tests my loyalty or love or faithfulness or etc just for the sake of testing me. I'm not sure what the exact circumstances are surrounding this sudden change of heart she has(women's opinions are like APRs, subject to change without notice) but you might try standing your ground. I doubt highly that the pink fog will lift forever especially if you are considering transitioning.

[Sandra]

I have a simple question...Have you asked her why she has had this change?

Until you can tell us a bit more then we can't help you. It could be a number of reason, you are dressing to much, going to quick for her, not including her when you dress. But like I said until you tell us why then there's not a lot we can do or say.

[MizT]

Run! Don't walk, do not pass go, but get out as fast as you can. Something is very, very wrong. To be tolerant at first then to change, uh huh. Me thinks tis a bummer. One woman's opinion.

[Sandra]

Run! Don't walk, do not pass go, but get out as fast as you can. Something is very, very wrong. To be tolerant at first then to change, uh huh. Me thinks tis a bummer. One woman's opinion.


How can you say that when we don't know why she has had a change of mind.

I went through a phase when I hated Nigella cding, the reason she started going to quick for my comfort level, we sorted it, I'm just glad she didn't come on here and ask for advise, instead of being told to talk and trying to sort out the problem a lot of people here would have told her to dump me, some support

[patriciatg2]

Just tell her that you can't wait to get fitted for your dress so you can both be brides at the wedding!

[Sedona]

How can you say that when we don't know why she has had a change of mind.

I went through a phase when I hated Nigella cding, the reason she started going to quick for my comfort level, we sorted it, I'm just glad she didn't come on here and ask for advise, instead of being told to talk and trying to sort out the problem a lot of people here would have told her to dump me, some support


Yep, pretty much. Good post

[Nicole Erin]

Women do this, there are countless threads stating the same thing -
She was cool at first but later changed her mind. The reasons vary but the fact is - Women most times do change their mind.

So you told her before marriage, obviously, about your dressing. You did what most here would consider "the right thing". Yet, this was not good enough somehow.

This woman is not your wife is it? If not, then you owe her nothing. You don't have to quit dressing, being happy, or working on transition. Who is she to tell you how to dress? I mean some "girlfriend" is about as important as whatever random lady from wherever.
BTW with transition, yes some of it is a fortune but there are a lot of cheap or free things you can do to work towards it. Beard tweeze (lot of maintenance though), work on your femme voice, work towards trimming your body (if need be), learning to carry yourself, gaining confidence, and even a name change is not THAT expensive.

Plenty of GG's do not approve of our dressing. Wives, girlfriends, teenage girls at the mall, maybe even our sisters or whatever. What are you gonna do, stop being happy for the sake of some girlfriend?
Hell with that.

[t-girlxsophie]

I would never tell you to leave,I have no right,but have you had a heart to heart with her about just what has changed,It may be fixable,I certainly hope it is,and you both can remain together.Its reading these sad story that reinforce my view on how lucky I am to have such an understanding Wife

Sophie

[Annie D]

Sounds like third party to me: what will the family say? what will the neighbors say? what will our children say? Playing dress up when you are friends with benefits is entirely different when you make living together legal. It's okay for Betty Lou's husband to wear women's clothes but I not happy that you want to do the same.

[eluuzion]

It was a stretch,,but I managed to find something positive in your dilemma...She presented you with this ultimatum before you got married instead of after-the fact.

Three years is sufficient time to identify a person's basic personality and base behavior. Has she exhibited this type of significant "switch" in positions on complex issues before? Is she a controlling person by nature? Is she a decisive person or does she tend to vacillate with her current mood?

If you had an alcoholic friend that said he was going to give up drinking when he got married, would you believe him?

How about a guy who promises he will quit smoking for good, the day before his wedding, to please his wife? How long do you think it will be before he is sneaking outside the house to smoke?

Do you believe these "demands" of your future wife are an isolated event or an example of how she views the concept of a relationship and her capacity for supporting and sharing with a partner?

Is this the type of emotional support system you are comfortable living with for the rest of your life? (Considering that most people show their "best" behavior at the beginning).

Would you agree that marriage is a challenge even for two compatible, supporting and self-confident partners? How about if one or both have significant relationship influencing issues? What do feel are their chances for success?

At a minimum you might consider postponing any hasty wedding bells. If it is the "right" thing to do now, it will still be the right thing to do later. Right?

good luck...

:love:

[Tracii G]

Please don't introduce alcohol in the mix to desensitize yourself from how you feel that is never the answer to ANY problem.

[Diane Lynn]

I already did that. I went on a two day drinking binge last weekend. Drank until I passed out both days. It has been okay since, but no dressing, and no conversation about it.

[Tara D. Rose]

Like I said on another thread very simialar to this one. This is what so many GF's, and wives do. And at times on here when I have pointed this out, I get attacked. I have been a victim of this very same "support", and then have it withdrawn suddenly without notice. I have read hundreds of stories so similar to this one and have lived it as well. And from all of this, I have concluded that GF's, and wives are all excited about our crossdressing at first, mostly because it's new to them and they feel they have open mindedness and so it's all systems go. But after some time, the newness wears off for some GF's and wives, and they realize that the crossdressing was so much more than clothes. And in some cases, the CD that has just received acceptance from the SO, then may go all out and buy more clothes, shoes, hose, wigs, etc. Then the SO begins to see so much going on that was beyond her comprehension upon the initial disclosure. An SO is really in a predicament at times, for they have so much to learn from their crossdressing partner, whereas the CD has had 30 or 40 years to fully or not so fully understand the crossdressing, and may expect her to understand it all in just 30 or 40 days. It's like trying to do a crash course with her that has taken the CD a lifetime to even come close to understanding it. I also feel that so many GF's and wives at first really just want to satisfy their own curiosty and so they give their blessings in the beginning, and once that curiosity is satisfied, then they grow tired of it, and then do the usual 180 deg about face. Mine did the very same thing as well as hundreds of other stories just like this one. But to me, it is wrong for a to withdraw what she has already given.
Definatley do not marry her. .........love & respect..............Tara

[kimdl93]

I think you have a lot of thinking to do about who you are and your relationship. It seems to me that its at least fair to ask why her attitude changed. And why selling some of your clothes is ok, rather than a total purge. And ask yourself if you want to yield so much, when you say that you had thoughts of transitioning.

[Pythos]

I may be wrong on this, but honestly this sounds like one of those tests that lovers stupidly end up doing. The old "if you love me, you will do this"

DON'T DO IT!!!. These "tests" usually end up bad no matter how the person being tested "performs". I have heard of too many pilots giving up their planes due to a lover saying "it's the plane or me" end result being both the plane and later the lover leave.

You need to gently and calmly sit her down and in the kindest possibly way ask "WTF?" What she is doing is absolute cruelty and is beyond wrong.

Drinking by the way, was not a smart move. She may be judging you on that too. She may be testing how you handle such a screwed up thing as what she is doing.

Stand your ground, otherwise she may think you a wimp.


I already did that. I went on a two day drinking binge last weekend. Drank until I passed out both days. It has been okay since, but no dressing, and no conversation about it.

GRAB THE BOTTLE AND THROW IT OUT. Stop the silence....AND FRAGGIN TALK!!! Find out why there is this change. As for you. If you feel the "need" DRESS!!! STop treating it like a disease.

[carhill2mn]

IMHO it is good that you have learned about how she really feels before you got married. It is most unlikely that you would be able to give up dressing for very long and even if you were able to, you would likely develope bad feelings toward your SO. The fact that you would consider transitioning makes for an even stronger case that you should not continue your engagement to this woman.

[Rianna Humble]

We don't seem to have heard much back from Sarah just recently.

Did you discuss her change of heart with your girlfriend? How does she feel about your thoughts on transitioning? Is that what scared her off from her previously supportive position? What did she say?

[Diane Lynn]

I am still living with my SO. Dressing is no longer discussed. The cost to transition is too high, and I will never have enough money to transition. I am okay with that.

She had a appointment with her therapist yesterday. We have not discussed it. I can go out alone, but I have such a good time with my SO, that I don't want to do it alone.

Thank you.

[Jane G]

Sarah

What ever happens you will still be you, your not going to change. I'm certain you know yourself you will never give up dressing permanently, so don't try to kid yourself. Try to be dispassionate about your relation ship, for a few moments, however hard it may seem. There are always compromises to be made and work to be done to support a SO. But unfortunately it sounds like your SO is asking for more than you can be expected to give. Talk to her, tell her straight that, as much as you would like to give up crossdressing for her, it is not going to happen. If she can't accept that, then whatever the reason for her change of stance, it ain't never going to work. Wish there was a easier answer, but I don't believe there is.

Good luck Jane.

[wendy68]

Sarah


I too when thru this over the last 4 years with my wife , with her insisting that if i loved her id stop dressing. Well i actually tried and soon faced depression and anxiety that almost killed me. Oh --i think we can turn it off for short periods of time but we are ourselves 24/7. I believe that its a part of our total being - to try to repress it is like trying to stop a stampeding elephant. Needless to say im divorced now--but both her and i are happier people. Im not rying to tell you what to do but you need to think thru this carefully and explore every option with her. True love is loving the total being --yes -even if part of that being is not fitting into the other persons world perfectly. This was the message i got at the alter and i hope your SO comes to realize it as well--god bless you--Wendy

[EllieOPKS]

First, you should talk. Second, you should thank her for being honest. It takes a lot of guts to tell the truth when you know it will be controversial. Third, its not wrong on your part to reverse the ultimatum - accept who I am or get out. fourth - don't be surprised if another man has entered the scene. Something big has brought this ultimatum to the surface. Just my thoughts and I honestly and sincerely wish you both happiness together or separate.

[Stephanie47]

Here we go again! The once accepting female doing a complete 180. Go slow! Jump into the pool quickly! I wonder if Michele Bachmann's husband has an answer for me?

[Rianna Humble]

It always amazes and saddens me that people who say they want others to be tolerant of their life are so quick to crucify a significant other who expresses a thought that you don't agree with.

Several of us urged Sarah to have a discussion with her SO and to listen to her SO's feelings to try to understand WHY someone who was previously enthusiastic has apparently changed her mind. Unfortunately we haven't heard from Sarah whether she has discussed her SO's change of heart or not and if she has what came from it. Instead we have a rather resigned "I am still living with my SO. Dressing is no longer discussed.".

Failure to discuss this issue will have two equally inevitable outcomes:

1 A total lack of mutual understanding on this subject

2 Resentment on both sides

Neither of those is a good way to start a marriage

[DonnaT]

Well, some SO's have been known to change there mind. My wife has gone from initially accepting to not, and back again , several times in our 35+ years together.

I would suggest some type of pre-nup so she can't use your being trans against you should she later decide on a divorce.

[Staci G]

Yeah what Sarah said.

[Fab Karen]

Recipe for disaster. Only hope of salvaging the relationship might be couples counseling.


"I wonder if Michele Bachmann's husband has an answer for me? "
yeah, if you're a closet gay guy, start an "ex-gay" clinic so you have an excuse for hanging with a bunch of gay men.

[Diane Lynn]

I got dressed last night, and went out by myself. Did my own make up and hair. Not as good as when my SO does it, but it got done. I went to a nice restaurant for dinner, then a local club. I got carded at the door, so I did not stay long, as the person at the door knew I was male. He still let me in. I had a good time, but missed my SO being with me.