Emergency Help Needed. NOW! Please help [Archive] - Crossdressers.com - #1 Community & Forum for Crossdressers, Family and Friends

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 05:45 PM

Britney, you're probably not gonna make much headway trying to reason with her while she's angry - when she simmers down, do you think you could persuade her to come to this site and share her concerns with another SO, perhaps Marla? (Sorry Marla, for volunteering you...)

She might think (in the angry stage) that whatever you tell her would be self-serving, so a talk with a third party who can understand where she's coming from - and who understands your predicament - would be the idea...

Sorry, that's all I can suggest right now... good luck!

Deborah_UK

10-06-2005, 05:45 PM

Britney,

she needs to let that anger and betrayal (which I guess she feels) out of her system before she'll look at things more dispassionately, but once that initial stage passes - then perhaps you could point her in the direction of some of the ggs on this site, they do seem to be some of the most understanding women on the planet! and I guess some of them have been through exactly what your wife is going through now.

Hang in there love, I hope and pray you both get through this.

Deborah_UK

10-06-2005, 05:46 PM

looks like Lauren and I were typing the same thing at the same time! thre must be something in that!

britney1

10-06-2005, 05:47 PM

Hmmm you post this then while wife is ranting up a storm you come back 7 minutes later to tell us about it....Shouldn't you be trying to save your marriage or something?

Ok smart ass, I don't need your help. She stormed out of the house, and I need help before she gets back. F#@K Off!

Deborah

10-06-2005, 05:48 PM

Ok smart ass, I don't need your help. She stormed out of the house, and I need help before she gets back. F#@K Off!
I love you too sweetie. ;)

britney1

10-06-2005, 05:49 PM

Does anyone know of some articles about CD that I can share with her? I saw them once on here, but I can't find them now.

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 05:52 PM

Britney, do you have any mutual friend(s) she might listen to, who would be willing to be 'neutral', who might be able to persuade her to sit down and talk about it and not go off half-cocked?

Katie Lynn

10-06-2005, 06:00 PM

Your best bet is to be completely honest with her in every way. That is probably what she is most angry about, you keeping something from her (as well she should be).

You arent going to convince her of anything right away if she already stormed out, so your best bet is to just be ready to answer questions, as I am sure she will be demanding answers.

Also do you have a way to get in contact with her? Do you know where she went?

No matter what, if she truly loves you, you will make it through this day feeling alot better. Your secret is out, and the weight is off your chest.

britney1

10-06-2005, 06:02 PM

GypsyKaren

10-06-2005, 06:02 PM

Britney,

First of all, you have to calm down. Take a deep breath, smoke a cigarette if you indulge, maybe a drink, but please try to relax a bit.

Second, like the other girls said, wait a bit for your wife to calm down. You'll get nowhere fast while she's still hot, so give her some time and space.

Once the dust has settled you'll both have to sit down and discuss this. You have to be totally honest with her, so don't even think of holding anything back. Try to get her to ask you questions about it, and answer them truthfully. Explain to her that there are many like you, and that you're the same person she fell in love with.

When I told my wife about me, she did a lot of research on the internet. She found the book "My Husband Betty" by Helen Boyd and ordered it. After reading it she had lots of questions, but she also had a better understanding about me. I highly recommend this book. Also, there is a gg site here, I'm sure she could find a lot of help and support.

Sorry you're in this mess, but you must have known that this day might come. I hope things work out okay for the two of you.

GypsyKaren

DonnaT

10-06-2005, 06:12 PM

Britney,

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/menu.htm

tifftg

10-06-2005, 06:23 PM

Dear Britney,

I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through right now. It is something I fear each and everyday and to hear that you are facing the reality of your wife suddenly finding out about your femme side is difficult to deal with. You are getting some excellent advice, try and calm down, don't do anything drastic and be patient with your wife. She is reacting in a whole variety of ways, she is scared and uncertain and you have to find your love for each other. We are here for you, but you have to be there for her and above all at this stage be honest, for being caught in even the littelest lie going forward will undermine whatever trust she has left for you.

Our thoughts are with you,

Tiffany

Stlalice

10-06-2005, 06:27 PM

Britney,

There is really not a lot you can do at this point - your best course will be to just say nothing lest you say something wrong - and take the time to let her simmer down. When she is ready to talk - be honest and TOTALLY truthful - hide nothing. If she is willing maybe get her to "talk" with some of the girls on the GG forum. Beyond that there is not much that I or anyone can do to help you at this point - I will forward several pieces to you by PM that may or may not help. Hang in there girl and good luck.:thumbsup:

AngGG

10-06-2005, 06:36 PM

My situation is a little different because my sweetie told me but she had some links that were there and ready for me to read. I will ask if she remembers where they were when she gets home.

Remember to really listen to all she has to say and answer whatever questions she has with total honesty. Trust is going to be a big issue now so do not make any promises that you are not willing to keep in the long run.

Good luck to you, my thoughts are with you.

britney1

10-06-2005, 06:39 PM

tifftg

10-06-2005, 06:44 PM

Have you ever fought before, how did it get resolved. Get back into boy clothes and try waiting a little. Then use your best recollection of what has worked before.

Tiff

Shelly Preston

10-06-2005, 06:48 PM

Hi
I am sorry to hear your having problems
You will have to discuss this at some point be truthful but try to keep the discussion level headed, so you do not end up screaming. Also you may have to be patient. It has obivously been a huge shock to her . Let her know your are willing to talk but ask her if she want to contact any of the gg in the forum I'm sure they would be only to willing to help.

Suggest this forum as a source of information.

The biggest hurdle will be "why did you not tell me earlier".

I hope it all works out for the better.
Best Wishes

Stephanie

10-06-2005, 06:57 PM

Be prepared for at least a few long nights and tearful/angry conversations. My general advice is for you to not be too defensive and let her say what she needs to say without taking it personally. More likely than not you will both make it through this and everything will eventually "smooth" out. It may be a rocky road for awhile, though, so be fully prepared to make plenty of time to discuss everything and address her concerns as they come up. I finally chose to disclose my crossdressing to my wife after a little over a year of marriage. It took a few weeks to a month for my wife to work through her feelings and come to some initial acceptance about my crossdressing even though my wife is generally a pretty open-minded person. I had to listen to her make some pretty angry and, at times, hurtful remarks about me and my crossdressing but after I recommended some books and after I reassured her on a couple major issues, specifically that I am NOT gay and that I had NO desire ever for having a sex change, she began feeling a lot more comfortable about my crossdressing and she is, for the most part, very accepting of it now. Good luck!

Marlena Dahlstrom

10-06-2005, 06:58 PM

For the moment, just let her know that you love her and when she's ready, you want to talk with her about it.

In the meantime, it's worth looking at Dixie's site and http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/1258/ which also has good info for SOs, to help you figure out what some of her concerns are likely to be, and how you might address them.

There's the usual ones: are you gay? do you want to become a woman? etc. as well as whatever issues she may have about what she thinks a man "ought" to be.

Be prepared for her to feel like you've betrayed her trust. It can be crushing to find out your partner kept a huge part of themselves secret from you -- with the implication that they didn't trust you to see it.

I know you've also been going through some rapid changes yourself (with shaving, etc.), which she's probably noticed. So it's likely she feels things are out of control. You may know what your end goal is, but she doesn't -- all she can see is you're actions and no matter what you say, she may be afraid that you're planning to transition out of the blue.

So being honest with her is critical. So is helping reassure her that you're committed to the relationship and will take steps to preserve it -- just don't make promises you know you won't be able to keep (like stopping entirely).

Good luck!

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 06:58 PM

Do I just sit here at home and wait for her to return? Should I text message her cell phone, or should I call her? I thought I felt alone before, Now I really feel alone. Each minute she's gone feels like an hour. I feel so mad at myself for jeapordizing my relationship with the greatest woman I have ever known. I just feel so stupid.You must let her cool off some, but only you, none of us, know how long it takes for her to calm down...

Try to resist the urge to call her unitl you're reasonably sure she's cooled...

Don't get mad at yourself!

Don't blame yourself!

'Fault' and 'blame' ain't got a thing to do with this situation -

Communication is what you gotta concentrate on now... deep breaths, get a stiff drink or two -no more!

She may have run off to confide in her best girlfriend - do you know who that is? Maybe you could try calling her, see if your wife's with her...

robyn1114

10-06-2005, 07:11 PM

Hi sweetie I hope every thing works out

Star

10-06-2005, 07:20 PM

Britney....your photo is sooo beautiful and femme don't you think she has suspected this for some time? It is going to be hard for you now and I am sorry. At least you can figure out where you want to go with this now. I feel for you sis....

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 07:24 PM

Something else occurred to me -
As I recall, a similar thing happenned to someone else here not long ago...

Is it possible she thought those were another woman's clothes??

Gale R

10-06-2005, 07:35 PM

Sorry to hear this happened this way Britney, i had a similar experience but was not dressed at the time.
I can echo most of the advice given to you by the other girls but would add don't lose your cool and be patient like you've never been patient before.
It may take a few days for your wife to speak to you but when she does you really have to assure her of your love.
I really hope it works out ok for you and your wife and don't forget you have the
thoughts and prayers of all on the forum.

Best wishes, Gale.

Kayla Smith

10-06-2005, 07:48 PM

Britney,
I am so sorry to hear that you are going though this right now, when I told my wife about Kayla, I just began by letting her know that I loved her very much and that she was the only one for me. And then I told her about how I felt. Oh you had asked for a link that may help try www.jenellrose.com/help.htm
There are alot of information that may be of use to you.
I would also suggest maybe conntacting your local TRI-ESS chapter in your area, they to maybe able to help you, along with the girls on this fourm.
Hope this helps you, the best of luck to you
Hugs:hugs: and Take care

Sarahgurl371

10-06-2005, 07:49 PM

I'm sorry that she had to find out this way. I guess that's what drives some of us to finally just tell our SO. My wife was extremley upset, angry, hurt, lost trust in me and compared my not telling her to me having an affair. She was overwhelmed. Just remind yourself that you've had your whole life to deal with your feelings about CDing. Shes had what, an hour now?

Don't push her and if and when she's ready to talk, be totally 100% truthful and honest with her. In my experience it didn't help her to sugar coat it or try to tell it all to her in phases. Make sure to listen to her, and not to loose your temper. You might want to reassure her that you don't do this because of her, like shes not giving you something you need. If we want to dress like ladies, the least we can do is act like one.

Best of luck to you both, I'm sure many of us can relate.

Kayla Smith

10-06-2005, 07:54 PM

Its me again, Britney, I mispelled the link in my last post, sorry about that
it should have been.
www.jenellerose.com/help.html

Hugs:hugs: and Take care

Sophia Rearen

10-06-2005, 07:59 PM

Britney,
Just yesterday you posted this, "I am right with ya on that one. It doesn't make sense. I had somewhat of a conversation with my wife about this last night. She asked if I had ever worn womens clothes, and rather than sayin, "yea, I wear them all the time when you aren't home", I said, "i'd be lying to you if I said that I didn't before" And her response sums it up. "That's just wierd". So I asked her to define wierd, and she said "Well, not normal", so naturally I asked her to define normal. We never actually got anywhere with it other than I cracked the closet door for the first time. But I think her views are shared with others. We are "not normal" and "wierd" to those who don't understand what its like to show both sides of your gender personality."
I think she knew something was up. Didn't you just shave your legs as well? I don't think womans intuition is needed here. It's a no-brainer, she knew. She's probably pissed that you may have mislead her or that you danced around the subject or perhaps you haven't been completely honest with her ever. She may be feeling she doesn't know who you are and that she cannot trust you. It's more than the dressing, it's about your relationship. Hang tough, be gentle and kind.
Love,

jasmine

10-06-2005, 08:00 PM

Britney,
You're in a rough spot. I hope it all works out for you. I went through something similar a long time ago and me and my SO were able to work thru it. I'll tell you that the #1 thing my SO felt was betral. LIke I was hiding something from here, and in truth, I guess I was. But, as I'm sure you know, it's not like you can tell your lady freinds on the first date! Keep that in mind. Her feelings are much more hurt then you can probably imagine, for many more reasons then you've even thought of.

Don't over react; she'll most likely attack you and she'll most likely question your sexual preference. Don't let that get to you. Assure that most CDers are straight. Assure her that you love her. Assure her that you'll be honest from here on out. Have your wife contact almost anyone of us here on the forums; my SO really felt a lot better after talking to other CDs.

But don't kid yourself, and *don't* assure her that you're thru with it. We all know that's not going to happen. Self control and compromise are one thing, that's to be expected in any relationship. Taking it slow and not pushing is another, but flat out telling her you'll quit most likely won't work for you or her. You probably won't quit, and she probably wouldn't believe you if you did.

Good luck Britney, let us know how it works for you.
Jasmine

Rachel Morley

10-06-2005, 08:03 PM

Hi Britney,

Here's a copy and paste from my wife Marla's "How to tell your partner" thread. Best wishes - Angel

Suggested educational materials for partners

http://www.ren.org/rbp01.html Myths and Misconceptions about Crossdressers from The Renaissance Transgender Association

http://www.ren.org/rbp02.html Reasons for Male to Female Crossdressing from The Renaissance Transgender Association

http://www.geocities.com/KarenSpecial/faq001.html FAQ--Crossdressing and Crossdressers from Tri-Ess

http://gendertree.com/Helping%20Wive...%20Dresers.htm Helping Wives of Crossdressers to Understand and Cope from the Phi Epsilon Mu chapter of Tri Ess

http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd/forwives.htm
An article for wives by Dixie Darling (the rest of Dixie's site is also highly recommended)

britney1

10-06-2005, 08:21 PM

Something else occurred to me -
As I recall, a similar thing happenned to someone else here not long ago...

Is it possible she thought those were another woman's clothes??

at first she did, then she found some stray wig hairs, pink panties on the couch, my makeup bag in the bathroom, not to mention I was fully en femme when she came home. I was running aruond stipping like you would not believe. I finally told her. end of the road for secrets. I hope it all works out

Sweet Jeanette

10-06-2005, 08:31 PM

You say your lady rushed out of the house when she found out; - Then you ask for articles and info from others on the subject. ---Is she BACK yet, so you can show her them? --- I say, let your woman go out & cool down. She may, or may not, -- be back. --- Hey! - Thats life! -- You sound like you will do or say, anything, to keep her! --- Take Command of the situation! You are a crossdresser, but you are still a man! ---You say that you would do anything to keep her, --- Well, Im sure all of us that are married, or with girlfriend, ---and love them, but, - do we let them (own us?) -- Some may. --- I dont! --- This is a time of "testing", to learn the real values, if they are there. ---Once you let a woman know that she can, with a simple word, or hint, or throwing a "hissy", make you do what she wants, and you "suck up", thats IT buddy! ----You have lost it!!! -----------Give her time, - see what happens. --- Remember, theres "other fish" in the sea! -----Im sure you wont like my advice, but, --"Oh Well!"

Laurie Ann

10-06-2005, 08:43 PM

I have nothing to add other than to say I hope everything works out for the best for you two and I'll keep you in my prayers.

Carlacd

10-06-2005, 08:43 PM

I went shopping Today, posted in the picture gallery.

This is a quote by Brittney.

"I know you are all probably getting sick of seeing my pictures, but its so much fun so share. I went shopping today and got this new skirt and top (B.Moss was having a sale) and then I got the new hose (first time with those) and sandles. I hope you like"

Sorry something smells fishy with this story+?

Sweet Jeanette

10-06-2005, 08:49 PM

Sorry something smells fishy with this story+?

Yeah! ----Slowly coming to the surface, bloated, and "belly up" !

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 08:58 PM

at first she did, then she found some stray wig hairs, pink panties on the couch, my makeup bag in the bathroom, not to mention I was fully en femme when she came home. I was running aruond stipping like you would not believe. I finally told her. end of the road for secrets. I hope it all works outSo do we, believe it.:thumbsup:

Carlacd

10-06-2005, 09:10 PM

So do we, believe it.:thumbsup:

Got to go with Amy on Britney's story :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn:

Sorry i don't mean to be rude , mean, or flaming any one. But nothing makes since with the story and with her other posts of today, and the times of her posts.

Britney, i am sorry:sad:

KewTnCurvy GG

10-06-2005, 09:29 PM

Okay kidz, settle down, let's just all assume for the sake of argument (and of potentially hurting someone when they are in dire need!!) that the whole story is true. We lose nothing if it isn't, so assume it is. Britany big hugz, many a wise word has already been spoken. I especially liked Angel Darling and Lauren T's advise and input. I simply offer a hug and to speak to your wife hear or on the phone if it would help her. I'm Sherlyn's partner. All the best!

Dixie Darling

10-06-2005, 09:30 PM

Britney,

I know it's too late (in your case) to say this now, but this the PRIME reason to have material pre-prepared to give to a wife when they suddenly walk in on you while you're dressed or when they find your things.

Be prepared to be called every name under the sun that she can come up with to belittle you and try to make you feel bad. YOU know that a lot of the names she's going to call you aren't applicable, and the inuendos she will invariably throw your way aren't true, but keep in mind that right now she's ANGRY!!!

There are five steps in the 'grieving process' - Denial, Anger, Barganing, Depression, and finally Acceptance. The first two don't necessarily come in the order listed and sometimes the third and fourth are reversed. Right now she's in the angry stage and it appears that this is her first step. There is little you can do at the moment until she settles down and gets to a point where the two of you can talk RATIONALLY without the conversation erupting into a fuss fight. Give her some time to cool off before you try to talk to her.

If, after she has cooled down enough to listen to you and actually HEAR what you're telling her, send her to some of the reputable sites on the internet where she can get some serious answers to the serious questions she is going to have. This forum is a good place to start, but try to avoid anything that's too 'extreme'. You are also welcome to view the material on my web site. I've had numerous emails that have told me that the information there has been of value to couples who find themselves in JUST the situation you're in right now. Also, look at the material on Shirley Ann Sometimes' site ( http://www.geocities.com/FashionAvenue/1258/ ) for some good down to earth information.

Of primary importance is that she relaizes that this is something that you've had to contend with all of your life. She's JUST learned about it and will not have the wealth of information you already have about it, so it's important to take it SLOW when explaining things to her. Even the most common acronymns and phrases we, as CDs, use on a daily basis will be foreign to her so keep that in mind. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO AT THIS POINT IS TO KEEP THE LINES OF COMMUNICATION OPEN AND FREE FLOWING. So whatever it takes to keep talking about it is a goal for you at this point in time.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

KewTnCurvy GG

10-06-2005, 09:34 PM

Take Command of the situation! You are a crossdresser, but you are still a man!
Oh my, what all is wrong with this statement; I don't know where to begin.

do we let them (own us?)....Once you let a woman know that she can, with a simple word, or hint, or throwing a "hissy", make you do what she wants
Can you say "S-E-X-I-S-T!"?

And "Bitch on a Broom" (your words not mine) why should she take your advice, it's quite prickly indeed!

Carlacd

10-06-2005, 09:35 PM

If i am wrong , i deeply aplogize to Britney and to the rest of the group. I also agree with Kew, some great advice from everyone.
I also hope that everything works out for Britney and with her wife.

TGMarla

10-06-2005, 09:37 PM

My wife found out, too. And she's very conservative. She's not down with it, but she surprised me first by stating that she could understand why I hid it from her. Now it's pretty much blown over and we don't talk about it. Neither do I flaunt it in front of her in any way, either. So it's not a perfect situation, but it isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, either.

Let her cool off. When you talk, let her know that you will answer any question she has honestly and without anger. Let her do most of the talking. Let her know you love her. Bu don't be a dish rag. Don't let her run all over you. Be kind and calm, honest and loving, but hold your own, too. Good luck!

Lauren_T

10-06-2005, 09:42 PM

In my own so-called "life" I myself have gotten caught up in my enthusiasm for something and was hence blind to the fact that I was making myself obvious to those around me - so if someone else gets into what appears to be a similar situation, I can really empathise...

MichelleGray502

10-06-2005, 09:47 PM

britney Lov : I am really sorry to hear what happened and yes she will schocked and angry for a bit, but like all 'th girls have said as well she will calm down and hopefully then you can talk to her 'bout it lov.if she love's you that much she will try and come to grips on it. my wife knew 'bout 'me crossdresssing 'th first night we met and she has been very supportive since 'th beginning and i know a lot so's don't know 'bout husbund's cross dressing for a long time and coming out is hard i know. and when they find out 'th way your wife did it becomes a nightmare.

Anyhow lov don't know what else to say other than good luck and i will be praying for you and talk to her asap 'bout it.

Please keep us informed on what happens.

Phoebe Reece

10-06-2005, 09:49 PM

Britney, the other thread you may have been thinking about that contains a lot of help references is at: http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=14842
I wish you luck in your situation.

Deborah

10-07-2005, 12:33 AM

Got to go with Amy on Britney's story :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn:

Sorry i don't mean to be rude , mean, or flaming any one. But nothing makes since with the story and with her other posts of today, and the times of her posts.

Britney, i am sorry:sad:
She's copied and reworded every thread possible. The only one she didn't have yet was when she got caught by wife. I guess she ran out of ideas. ;)Thought so.

britney1

10-07-2005, 01:11 AM

Got to go with Amy on Britney's story :thumbsdn: :thumbsdn:

Sorry i don't mean to be rude , mean, or flaming any one. But nothing makes since with the story and with her other posts of today, and the times of her posts.

Britney, i am sorry:sad:

I am not going to sit here and defend myself. I am battling for my marriage right now. I thought this place was for friends and support. I can't believe your nerve.

Kierci

10-07-2005, 02:07 AM

Brit. here are a few links I think you will find usefull at this time of need, sorry I didnt come earlier to see you needed help.

http://members.aol.com/miscmg/cdlinks.htm
http://www.chicladies.org/Handbook.htm <--this one is really kool
http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/TS/TGTSISLinks.html <---this one has alot of links to support
Sorry this is all I seem to have handy myself. I kept these in case my family ever caught me, hopefully things work out for you and I really hope some or all of these links help you and your wife move on from the SHOCK:eek: Good Luck and take care. email me at djrolley@hotmail.com when the smoke clears to let me know how it turned out. I wont be on here much more.

HaleyPink2000

10-07-2005, 02:20 AM

I hate that this did happen to you. Many of my CD sisters have had this happen. Every day my phone rings and I'm talking to someone else. What I did to get through my problem that is so like yours is do everything very slow. Back off the dressing for a bit. Just a little at a time Hun! Don't push it when you see Her start to act up let off a little. But for right now I'd stop dressing for a while around her. Don't push the issue right now. She needs some space and she needs the Man She married. So give Her that and work your way back slowly. One foot in front of the other, k? This saddens me so much to hear this again from another Sister on here.

Tamara also did help me lots. I suggest you e-mail Tamara a GG on here. My wife did read Tamara's E-mail, and then made a folder, then put the e-mail in the folder. I found this out later. As I have the pas codes for the PC. She still has not talked it over with me of Tamara's e-mail. But the dressing thing has gotten some easier and she don't get real pissy like she used to. Thank Goodness!

Lots of the Girls on here did help me a few weeks ago. I was going through this when my Father died that same week. I tell you I wanted to just have someone shoot me. But you know what? I talked every day to Emily on the phone and to Karren from the forum here. Also I sent e-mails back and forth to Honey, a wonderful GG on the forum. I have to tell you having friends on here helps. If you want to talk on the phone No Problem or even e-mails are fine. But being Honest, Emily has this thing figured out along with a few GG's on here. Like I said talk to Tamara over this media and she is a great resource. Also Tamara is just a wonderful person. Or like I said I'll talk to you till the cows come home. About what ever you want to talk about. Without the Sisters on here for assistance we have nothing. This is why I came here was for a support base/group. Yes for help with my life. I'm 54 Hun, but you know what? I don't have all the answers. No one does. But guess what? I know a few on here that can guide you in the correct direction. As I said I'd start with Tamara and Honey a couple wonderful GG's. Then I'd contact Darla, Joyce, Karren and Emily. People that have been through what you are going through right now. People that I know personally that help all they can.

I can tell you what I did and so can others. This might guide you to some ideas that might work for you. It's like my Dad always said " ask questions and someone will have the answer". No one usually has a problem that is just particular to just them.

If you want contact me on the private message thing here on yahoo or e-mail me and we'll chat.

Hugs Hun and I so hope things go well for you.

Haley:)

Fanny57

10-07-2005, 02:50 AM

Brittney, Sorry to here about your hot spot, I was there myself years ago and my wife also did not understand. Women tend to feel insecure and confused about this whole thing, and I guess they as most feel we are gay, or at least not attracted to them. Either way right now all you can do is to back off and answer her questions remembering that cross-dressing is not about sex, and can be just as confusing to us while reassuring her of your love. I will say not to tell her too much to start with nor promise something you may not be able to live up to. If she wants and it might be necessary to find a good consular who knows of this subject, but try to not confuse your situation by going to someone of faith. Maybe some of the other gurls might be of help as well but this is something that is really up to your wife, you and time as well as calm thinking.
Best luck to your wife and yourself.......Fanny.....

Deborah_UK

10-07-2005, 03:25 AM

Britney,

You have enough to worry about without having to defend yourself - so I'll do it for you! :)

Don't take any notice of the doubters - there will always be the cynical ones, just to follow their thought's I looked back at your posts from yesterday.

There is an hour between your last "happy" posts and your wife coming home post. Plenty of time for everything to have happened - but people like to make mischief.

I guess you must be offline now (middle of the night over there) but I guess you may not be sleeping -especially if your wife hasn't come home.

Like I said in an earlier post, there is nothing specifically you can do at this stage, you have to let your wife's anger dissipate, and then (and I'm repeating all the other supportive posts) - you must talk - and if she is receptive point her in the direction of the many links suggested here as well as the GG forum, but she must be allowed to go at her own pace.

My thoughts (for what they're worth!) are with you.

Shelly Preston

10-07-2005, 03:42 AM

Hi Britney
I hope things will improve with the start of a new day.
I'm sure both your wife and yourself are hurting right now.
When your start to get frustrated and you will at some point, remember try and see the situation from her side. She probably feels as if she does not know you anymore. A cool head is required and lots of calm clear communication. If you get into shouting match it wont help

Some here may be a little cynical regarding your problem, but by far the majority wish you well, as we have been through something similar.

I hope for both of you there is a happy outcome.

Best Wishes

Wendy me

10-07-2005, 05:52 AM

Hi Britney ok well sorry for what you are going through ... well ok more like let me sat it like this ....i am sorry for what your wife is going through now...yes you read that right ..now i have been were you are a long time ago wife found out freaked out ..the yelling ...the questions ....hurt feelings....her crying ... her thoughts raceing ....the omg's ....ok right now this whole thing is so mutch abought her ...your part is not easy ... you must remain calm ....yuo can not lose it you have no right to this if you ever want to save your marrage ....and the big thing your trust ...answer her questions and if she is off the wall for a while it's her right....give her time and space to deal with this ....see right now it's abought her being found out this big secreate you have been hideing on her ....in a lot of ways she can almost feel like you have been cheating on her....

now how strong is your marage?? how strong is your love for each outher???
this is so going to take time and won't be too east ...i would be amazed if you posted that in a few days time you bouth got dressed together and went shopping.... show her you love her let her know that and just be there for her ...see i am on the way to my wife getting a better understanding of me ....it's been a long road here ...but as mutch as i would love her to just accepte me all of me ...that love thingy is there and respecte .....time / love / understanding / love will helpe you through this ....

huge wendy hugs ...........

Emily Ann Brown

10-07-2005, 07:28 AM

This seems like last week with Karren. I'm playing catchup here because I just got on......check you PMs...I'm putting my cellphone number on if you just need to talk and vent. I also have a sister who specializes in this kind of counselling. I'll get her address for you too.

Emily Ann

MsEva

10-07-2005, 07:36 AM

Hi Brittany,
I read your intitial post last night and it got me so worried I had trouble falling asleep. I empathize with you. It was ten years ago that my dear wife found out about my alter ego. There were lots of tears and some harsh words. We have always been best friends since I met her in college as a Freshman. We have always been able to communicate fortunately. There was the proverbial question..are you gay and do you want to be a girl..aka sex change...no and no... SO over a rather short time we worked it out..but I do so remember feeling like my whole world was collapsing and I wanted to just check out! That being said..my dear wife knows that I just like to get femmy and feel like I can express my inner self. It has worked out really well for us. I am not sure if that will give you any consolation, I hope it does. I pray for your marriage.

Eva

britney1

10-07-2005, 08:02 AM

Well, My wife came home last night after about an hour of being away. The first thing she asked me was "do you have somewhere else you can stay tonight". I couldn't believe this. My life was falling apart. Eventually she agreed to let me stay, but I slept on the couch. You always hear about men getting kicked out of the bedroom an onto the couch, but I never thought it would happen to me. My wife made the comment that "all I wanted out of life is have a normal life, have someone love me, and raise a family, and now I reallize that I am married to a f#@cking wierdo" Wow, what do I say to that? I said Erin, that's exactly what you have. I do love, I do want to raise a family, and have a normal life.

It is morning, and I slept (sort of) on the couch last night. Right now the reality of the pain I have caused is setting in. Along with the overwhelming guilt of how could I hurt the person I love so much and the begginng of depression. Is this all worth it? I know someone started a post on here not that long ago addressing the same issue. Is there another way to release or express these feelings without guilt? I told my wife that I didn't choose to have these feminine feelings. And her reply is "you always have a choice, you choose what you do and don't do. You choose this path" The other thing she said that really bothered me is that she thinks crossdressing is a thing that only single people do. She stated "you married me, you are in a relationship with me. People in relationships don't do these things" Of course my natural reaction was to defend (bad move). I stated that most of us are in relationships. That ticked her off more.

I told her that when she is ready to talk, I will be willing to talk, answer questions, and work through this. She replied "there is nothing to talk about, I understand, you are a freak and a wierdo. What else do you want to talk about?" After that, I was just silent. Not knowing where to go or what to say. After I fell asleep last night downstairs on the couch (thank you george killians), she did come down and bring me a pillow and turn of the TV and lights. This morning, she came down before work and made sure I was awake, and said I will be home later. That was it.

This is proably the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I am so scared and alone right now and I have so much guilt, doubt, anger with myself. I appreciate all the continued support from everyone (almost everyone :mad: ) You have all helped me.

Carlacd

10-07-2005, 09:22 AM

If i am wrong , i deeply aplogize to Britney and to the rest of the group. I also agree with Kew, some great advice from everyone.
I also hope that everything works out for Britney and with her wife.

Britney,
This quote is from post 48 of this thread. I truely do apologize to you. I hope with in my heart that things work out the very best for you and your wife. Listen to what the other girls have written, great advice has been given.
All my best to you.
Carla

Stephenie

10-07-2005, 09:32 AM

Britney,

I will pray for you and your wife.

DonnaT

10-07-2005, 09:33 AM

Britney,

Here are a few more links that might help, if your wife is willing to keep the lines of communication open.

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg01.html

http://www.marybethsanford.com/sec500/pg06.html

http://www.3dcom.com/couples/vkol/COUPLES.HTML

My wife and I have been working on how to deal with my transness for 30 years, and it is ongoing. The first two links helped greatly by showing that being trans is not something we chose, but instead it was something we are born with. You might want to print them out for her to read and digest.

Of course how we express our transness is a choice. We could try to stop crossdressing, but to what sacrifice. Do we deny it to the point of being mentally depressed, which could lead to substance abuse or even physical health problems (nerves, heart, ulcers)?

Many of us do make sacrifices for our loved ones, out of love. It would be nice if they could also make sacrifices for us for the same reasons, at least sometimes.

Good luck with reaching an understanding with your wife.

Shelly Preston

10-07-2005, 09:37 AM

This is going to be the difficult time. She is very angy with you right now and she may not be in the best frame of mind to really talk it through.
Hpoefully in a few days ( or sooner ) she will start to ask the questions, with a view to keeping your marrage alive.
Then it may take a lot of time but at least the lines of communication will be open.

My heart goes out to you.
we will help all we can.

Good luck

Rainbow6562005

10-07-2005, 09:45 AM

Hi,

I can only imagine how awful you feel.

In terms of how to deal with your wife, I think that the advice most here are giving is sensible; listen to her as best you can, without being defensive (UNLESS she starts calling you names; you can and must set ground rules to protect yourself and allow her her feelings, too. If she moves from legitimate "I" statements to illegitimate "you" statements. she's crossed the usefulness line.)

Keep in mind, as best you can, that you have done nothing wrong. Despite her anger.

In time, when and IF she calms down (it's possible that she will never accept you being a CDer), you might suggest this site, specifically tailored for the SOs of CDers. There they get needed support. It's useful, too, for the CDer, to get more information about what may be unsaid in their SO.

http://www.webdotgal.com/main/html/sohome.html

For you, Britney, chances are pretty good that you're condemning yourself: "If only I were [or weren't]..." Please let go of blaming yourself; to be repeated a thousand times: "I've done nothing wrong. Period."

I wish you well.

Rainbow
PS. In time you'll feel the relief from not having to hide part of yourself from her.

Deidra Cowen

10-07-2005, 09:59 AM

Hang in there...things will work out. I'm single and in fact divorced...so I will not give any advice since I certainly can't do any better than the great advise you are getting from the married CDs and GGs that are posting here.

Please don't worry about the girls that are giving you a hard time doubting all this. I went back and checked thru your old threads...you seem real to me and have posted nothing like some of the silly stuff we get sometimes from trolls here.

Those who doubt others and throw around accusations are usually up to something themselves and read their motivations and behaviors into everyone elses behavior.

Good luck...by the way I know I'm like a lot of other girls and have been checking up on you via this thread every few hours.

Tamara Croft

10-07-2005, 10:04 AM

Blimey... where do I start..... Well Britney.... harsh words from the wife, it is to be expected. As you all know, CD's aren't recognised through the media as 'the norm' shall we say. So... you need to educate her, you need to get her some information that explains what a CD is. She has already labelled you as a freak and a weirdo, you need to change that, but only you can do it. I've heard a lot of good feedback about a book called 'My Husband Betty', this could be a start. If you would like for me to email her and tell her about my life and living with a CD, I'd be more than happy to. But right now, she is angry, angry that you didn't tell her, angry that her life has been turned upside down. Yes, you know that nothing is different, but she doesn't know that, she is the one that has been living with someone hiding things and decieving her.

I've seen this happen many times here, one minute, things are all good and the next minute... 'she finds out'. So now, you're sleeping on the couch 'you never thought that would happen to you'!!! well, to be honest, do you think your wife would have thought she was living with a CD?? When someone tells their wife, it is hard enough, but to find out, that's harsh, it's like a big smack in the face. She is probably wondering now what else you have been keeping from her, probably nothing, but put yourself in her place and try to imagine how she must be feeling.

I'm not sure where you go from now and she obviously doesn't want to talk to you about it. But, you must not leave it that way or everything will just fall apart. You must try to talk to her, print some of the advice out here so she knows she's not alone and there are GG's here that will talk to her if she needs anyone to talk to. I wish you all the best :hugs:

And to those who flamed this thread.... give it a damn rest, you of all people know that your life can be turned upside down at the click of a finger... :angry:

paulaN

10-07-2005, 10:37 AM

keep your chin up. good luck hun.

Amanda Leigh

10-07-2005, 11:03 AM

Britney,
I don't know if this will help but you know I'm close by.....If you just need someone to talk to let me know...I'll meet you somewhere. Sometimes it helps just to have someone face to face to let out all the steam. I can't say that I would have any advice to give, but I would be willing to listen and try to help as much as I can. Hang in there...the worst is out and hpefully everything will go up hill from here. My thoughts are with you.
Amanda

britney1

10-07-2005, 11:35 AM

My wife is at work, and I work out of the home, so I am home all alone right now. i want to make some sort of contact with my wife to let her know that I am thinking about her. I could text message her on her cell phone, but what should I say? Are flowers too much at this point? order some and have them waiting for her when she gets home? Can you all give me some advice please?

Emily Ann Brown

10-07-2005, 11:50 AM

I would think anything you say that isn't defensive or argumenative would be a good start.......I would tell my wife " I am so sorry for the pain I have caused you. Can we talk later?"

Emily Ann

britney1

10-07-2005, 11:56 AM

Ok, lets just assume she has cooled her jets enough to talk. Usually when she gets mad and upset like this, she just says "I don't want to talk about it". Hypothetically, she comes home from work and I say can we talk about this and she says, Yes, lets talk..........

Where do i go from there? She's heard a thousand times allready that I love her more than anything, that she has a right to be upset, that I understand the feelings she's going through, she has admitted that I am still the same person.....

Where do I go next when she says, "OK lets talk". She wants to hear what I have to say so far. Everyone that I have talked to on the forum and all the post I have read in this thread (thank you bye the way for all your love and support) have said that she will have questions and to answer them truthfully. She wants me to make statements. She's in this "what could you possibly say to make this better" mode. I just need to prepare for where to go next in this rebuilding process.

Tiffy

10-07-2005, 12:10 PM

Britney, I am not sure what to say. I have been where you are once and handled it all wrong. So advice on this I can not give. But, I can wish you and your wife the very best and pray for you. Which is not something I do often. I do so hope that she comes around. Just know we are here to help and we love you. Best wishes sweetheart. Love, April

There is one thing I can say. The time I was in this situation I told my first wife that I would quit and not do it any more. As it turns out, it is not in my power to not do it. And she caught me again. I hope you reach a common ground with her.

tifftg

10-07-2005, 12:43 PM

She is right to want you to make statements, but you are correct that she may discount each one along the way as you make it. As you have heard, this will not be easy and it is unclear how this will turn out. She is very hurt and angry as her trust in you, her vision of what she thought her future was going to look like was now turned upside down. What makes this more difficult I suspect, it seems from some of your earlier posts in the past few weeks, that your desire to dress was picking up steam. Questions about earrings and suggestions for improving your looks were indicators to me at least that britney was growing in importance. If this is true, your true needs may be somewhat in conflict. You have to be honest to her and to yourself as painful as some of those choices may seem. Having said that, a very honest response may well be--"I don't know how often, how much, how important your dressing is to you," It all probably seems very confusing.

As to statements, you may want to start with what is important to you. I have been working with a therapist for the past six months trying to come to terms with my growing need to express myself as Tiffany and my responisblities to my wife and my family. My therapist's first question to me is one I still keep in front of me each and every day. "What do I value?"

So for you, the statements may start with "I love you" " I want to find a way to keep our marriage alive" " I know that I have shattered your trust in me and I am commited to re-earning it" "I have needs at times to express myself in a more feminine fashion and I have kept that from you and I am willing to discuss this in any way you want" " I want you to understand me better, so that I can begin to re-gain your trust" " I want to hear from you what I can do to help with your pain"

Think about those and then see if she reacts or responds. there is no clear script here as none of us really know you, your needs or desires, and we clearly do not know your wife.

We share your pain and pray that you find a path that works for you and your wife.

Tiff

Dixie Darling

10-07-2005, 01:43 PM

Britney,

If she's willing to talk - LET her talk. LISTEN to what she has to say and answer all her questions as honestly as you can. If you don't know what an answer is, then tell her so, but tell her you'll try to find out for her. Bear in mind that she is hurt, confused, mad, feels decieved, depressed, in denial, possibly still angry, etc, so you should expect the worse when she begins to talk. If she doesn't volunteer the information, it might not be a bad idea to just ASK her what her major concerns are at this point. In all probability EVERYTHING she will indicate to you will relate to crossdressing and its connection with sexuality. If you can get it across to her that crossdressing and sexuality are two different entities you're making progress.

Beyond that, I would suggest (as I did in an earlier post) that the two of you view some reputable web sites TOGETHER and discuss the material that you find there as you read it. You can bet that she will have comments and questions about what she reads and you'll be right there with her to correct/explain anything that she misinterprets or doesn't understand (easy to do that when you're not familiar with crossdressing and the terminology we used to discuss it). The key here is that you're doing this TOGETHER. This should instill some degree of trust in her that you're TRYING to help her understand.

Good luck and keep us posted as to what you do and what the results are.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

Barbara Beaulieu

10-07-2005, 02:33 PM

Well, The night has past and I'm hoping she has cooled enough to start talking. Many of the replys you got were good. You know her better than anybody, be honest, caring, and Listen to her. If /when she's cooled enough I'd say show her this site. I've learned more about relationships here than anywhere else. She'll see the pain that this lifestyle can bring a crossdresser and it might help soften the blow she's just had. I hope everything works out for you.

Sarahgurl371

10-07-2005, 02:54 PM

Britney,

I wish that none of us ever had to be in this situation. I wish I could tell you it will get easier very quickly. In my case its been two years, and it hasn't gotten much better. i told my wife about my Cding. There is some excellent advice here, but only you know your wife and how she will react to this and your feelings. prepare yourself for some rejection and hurt feelings, because your wife may lash out and say things that are hurtful. She's just trying to deflect some of her pain.

I know you are the same person you were when you got married to her, she however doesn't she it that way. I tried to tell my wife that this would be a good thing for our marraige, ya know no secrets, deeper communication and emotional connection. She still doesn't understand that premise. She is still not willing to take me at my word about anything regarding Cding or my sexualtiy etc. She still is not willing to educate herself thru books or the net whatever. We saw a marraige consouler and that didn't seem to help much either. Just prepare for a long struggle, OK? But never lose hope. I still hope everyday that my marraige will get better.

Try to remember what it is that you love about each other, when times get tough. Try to be kind to each other as well. I've read several books and all kinds of stuff on the net about how others have dealt with this. Some promise to quit, some compromise, some are unyielding in thier personal wants and desires and flaunt it in front of thier wife. I don't know whats best. I choose to compromise, and had to (still do) have enormous restraint about dressing etc. Some days are diamonds and some are stones. Even though I have never held her to her own end of the compromise she has constantly re-written the rules, so I'm still as clueless as I was before.

I will advise you to not try and manipulate the situation for your favor, I know how desperately you want her acceptance, just work for it in a dignified way. Another good book is Crossdressing With Dignity by Peggy Rudd.

Ask yourself how important this side of you is, TO YOU. Don't cheat yourself! I hide behind everything else for a long time, never admitting to myself the truth. If this is a part of you, accept it and define what is acceptable to you for your life, you must be happy too.

i hope all goes well for you, i know how you feel. Again, don't beat yourself up for being true to you. I wish I had someone to tell me that when I needed to hear it.

LindaMarie

10-07-2005, 02:58 PM

Britney,

As several others have mentioned, while the idea of you being a crossdresser has been a shock to your wife, the thought of your having betrayed her trust probably hurts just as much if not more.

I have not always been truthful with my wife about my need to crossdress and when I was found out, we had a very difficult time for several days. Then I think I was able to begin to rebuild her trust.

I hope so much that everything works out for you both. It hurts so much not only to have the person you love the most seem to be angry beyond measure but also to know how hurt and confused she must be feeling.

The best advice I've heard people give you is to listen, listen and listen. I hope after a few days, things will start to feel a little bit better and she'll realize you're still the person she married.

All my best wishes and prayers for you both.

Jeanette TS

10-07-2005, 03:52 PM

Hi this is a hard one i can feel for you. But i know it's going to be very hard you will have to make her sit down and tell your story.She is not going to like it but you are still the man she marred in the end she so the softer side to you, and like it. So tell her how you feel and what it's all about.

Good luck.
I have just left my wife to be Jeanette full time get over that one.
She has know about Jeanette for 5 years but not liked it. But she knows i have to do this for my mind.We have two childern as well.

Lov Jeanette xx

britney1

10-07-2005, 04:25 PM

My wife is going to ask "Do you expect me to accept this?" Deep down I hope she would, but what should I say?

nichola p

10-07-2005, 04:27 PM

Britney- mine is a similar story and sorry to say after 7 years of marriage my cross dressing has finally caused a split. Pick yourself up and try to communicate, but dont deniy who you are, it wont work believe me. Dont make promises you cant keep they will come back to haunt you. I hope your SO is more understanding than mine, and your story has a happier ending than mine. Keep your chin up girl!!

Wendy me

10-07-2005, 04:29 PM

britney just tell her that you would just like her to understand it and you know that this could take some time tell her you love her and want to let her have all the time she needs and you will bethere for her any way you can..
let her know you love her and you understand if she needs time to deal with this....

nichola p

10-07-2005, 04:33 PM

You have to get her to accept this, it cant work without her acceptance

Gale R

10-07-2005, 06:17 PM

I don't think it's a matter of getting her to accept it but of why you do it, not an easy thing to explain in itself.
If she does accept it you'll find that your wife will lay down some ground rules which you will have comply to, as my wife did.
But further down the line your wife will begin to get more involved with your "compulsion" to dress, mine now buys most of my undies for me, helps with my makeup and if she buys something for herself that she decides she doesn't like gives it to me.
This has taken a couple of years to get this stage but don't try to rush her, all SO's are different.
The first reaction of my wife was shock which changed to anger.
I think the biggest problem i had with my wife was confusion as to why i dress, it takes time and patience to explain something that complex, but worth all the stress.
Take care Britney, we're all behind you.

Luv ya Gale.

KewTnCurvy GG

10-07-2005, 08:25 PM

My wife is going to ask "Do you expect me to accept this?" Deep down I hope she would, but what should I say?
Be honest with her (as everyone has said) but BE TRUE to yourself as well. SO, a question like this may take some soul searching on your part. If she makes statements which put you on the defensive, one technique of de-escalation (I work in mental health) is to agree with the person. So another words, if she says, do you expect me to accept this? You could respond with, "well clearly it sounds like accepting it would be extremely difficult for you." Basically you find some way, in what she has said, to agree in part or whole. It makes it difficult for someone to argue with you when you do this. She may follow with "you're damn right I"m not going to accept it!" To which you may say, "I know you're very hurt and angry......" You need to reach a stage in your communications with her, that she can begin to hear what you are saying too. If this doesn't happen, you may want to consider couple's counseling, you may need to go that route just based on what you've shared so far. It sounds like this has created a big trust wound in the relationship:(. BIG BIG hugs. And again, I offer that I'm here willing to talk with her if she wants. Best to yoU!

Sweet Jeanette

10-07-2005, 08:53 PM

Oh my, what all is wrong with this statement; I don't know where to begin.

Can you say "S-E-X-I-S-T!"?

And "Bitch on a Broom" (your words not mine) why should she take your advice, it's quite prickly indeed!

My words were ment to provoke----"Thought"! ---, That you cannot read "between the lines", and understand my words, is not my problem or my concern. --- And yes! - "Bitch on a broom" is - ME, to a "T"! ------

HaleyPink2000

10-07-2005, 11:29 PM

Like on much of the forum your going to hear question #1. Are You Gay?

There is much of the forum dedicated to threds of what the common questions are. They all start with this. Are you Gay? Anyway, I'm not and if I was I would not be dressing in femme clothing.

There are more choices for question #2. But be prepaired to answer the one, " Is There Someone Else"?

Oh and there is the one, " how long have you been doing this"?

Wow, Oh I have to tell you my favorite one. " Don't you know this is a sin"?
That one cracks me up. Like I am going to be hit by lightning.

Ok lets see, Hmmm thinking. Oh! How about the one my wife asked me the other night. " Don't you think this is sick"?

TC Hun.
Haley:)

britney1

10-07-2005, 11:33 PM

I have gotten all of those in 24 hours.

LindaLeeColby

10-08-2005, 12:46 AM

communicate, communicate, communicate....

She's going to want answers and in the absence of something she'll try anything. There are a number of great articles on this and some strategies you can use. Here is one site with a good paper on just this sort of thing, there are others.

http://www.cdspub.com/cope.html

Print them out for her, read them yourself then allow her to ask the "usual" questions. Most everything she knows about cross dressing has been negative hence her reaction. First counter those negatives and do that with a lot of reading material. A good couple of hours on the internet will give you lots of that material.

Good luck
Linda Lee