I Am So Scared

[Christy_M]

I spent my first little bit of time in my new house today. For anyone who has read my posts from almost a year ago, you know that everything Christy has had been tucked away safely under the tonneau cover of my pick-up truck. Today, my truck is empty and Christy's closet is full. I was in tears thinking about how long it has been that I have hidden myself. Then the weight of my life hit me. The life I have known is over. The safety of my male side is gone. The security I have developed over the years by being just one of the guys has vanished. I have to figure out what to do and how to interact and maintain both my sanity and my safety. While there weren't any torches and pitchforks, I did feel self conscience about being around new people who will never know my male persona. I have no idea what to expect. I did get a "hello" from one neighbor from next door and I got a wave from another neighbor from across the street. So far so good. Of course noone tried to engage in conversation with me and to be honest, my girl voice still comes and goes sporadically.

I used to get scared someone would come home and find me. Or that a neighbor might see me in the yard. Maybe even that someone would recognize my car and see a manly girl driving. Even going out, I would be afraid of having to interact with people while getting gas, or using the ATM. All those times, I could change clothes and hide behind being a boy. Now, I am not going to hide. It would be so much easier in the short term but I cannot keep supressing myself out of convenience. I am so scared about my future and how people will treat me. I want so much to just be invisible and be left alone. Time will tell and thankfully, the law is on my side here in Washington. Of course it only works if people know about it. Dumb zstuff happens ot of ignorance and I certainly don't want to be the lab project for everyone else to learn from.

Sorry for the long rant...I needed to get this off my chest.

[Eryn]

No worthwhile goal is reached without some risk. It sounds like you have your path well planned and perhaps you'll find that your life is less complicated now that you are living as you wish. Congratulations on the closet!

[donnalee]

Before we bought our house (I guess it's my house now, since my SO's passing last month), I spent a good deal of time driving around the neighborhood, trying to see what was going on, where, and when. The thing I saw that most reassured me was kids playing the same games I had played as a child. This let me know that their parents had to be alright to raise kids who behaved like that. We've lived here for 24 years, and except for my SO's Alzheimer's and one very un-neighborly "neighbor", they were happy years.
I hope you enjoy your new home as much. The neighbors will think whatever they think, but I'm sure that you will be welcomed by most.
Best wishes, :love:
Donna

[Inna]

Hey girl, it will be alright! I know these words do not comfort now in the midst of emotional desert and painful spells of the past. I know what truly helped me were, tears and thinking of what if I went back to that misery of existence I used to call life. Hon, you are not born yet, and lot is in front of you, but the knowledge of your life about to begin, and beauty it will bring, will carry you through. I am just getting to feel this powerful love after 6 months beyond my reveal to the world and 4 years beyond the decision to quit my former misery. I am soon going to schedule FFS and I am hearing it is one of the most profound events of transwomans life.
When times get tough you always have this place full of helpful hearts and you could gather few wholesome girls out there around your neighborhood to cry you eyes out too. You will be OK babe!!!!!

Love, Inna.

[JennyA]

I feel the same as you dear. I will miss certain parts of my male persona, and fact is I was a really nice, stand up kinda guy, and a gentlemen to everyone. Now that I've shed him though I feel so much better and the world is wonderful place again.

Craig Ferguson says it best, the quote works better if you read it in a Scottish accent: "The Universe is very, very big. ...maybe fear is God's way of saying, 'Pay attention, this could be fun."' ...

[Faith_G]

Stick to your plan despite the fear. You will be surprised how quickly the fear goes away.

[Jorja]

It is natural to becomed scared as you enter a new phase of an uncertain future. We all do it to some extent. Just continue to be you Christy and stay with your plan. Show that you are a warm, caring, and loving person, you will find that is all that matters to others. They will except you for who you are not what you are.

[Aprilrain]

10 months ago i left my wife, home and kids and went to a hotel lol. That first night i had no idea i'd be where i am now! it was the first time i got all dressed up and did my thing and wasn't ashamed of myself of course that was in the safety of a hotel room! Yesterday I went to a very crowded pubic water park and wore a bikini the whole day. My Wife and kids and my sons friend were with me. I never in a million years would have believed it possible to just be me and have people not even notice. Of course being the show boat that i am its always a little disappointing that i don't have a crowd of adoring fans following me around but my ex doesn't like the lime light so i wear big sunglasses and a floppy hat ; )

It will work its self out you have a period of discovery ahead that can be frightening and exciting. You might be surprised (perhaps even a little disappointed) at how underwhelmed most people are by your appearance!

[AKAMichelle]

There is a period in everyone's life where the inner soul takes over and we do great things. This happens all through our life and unfortunately it doesn't get any easier.

Think about all of the times where you found courage to continue on and overcome. That first job interview and then that first day at work. The first day in High School or College. Asking the love of your life to marry you. These things are all stressful and require courage to get through them. Somehow you found the strength to get through by putting one foot in front of the other repeatedly. Eventually it became easier and you found your way.

You are just at another one of those situations in your life. The rest of your life awaits you. You don't need the male facade to survive. You have the inner strength which will be enough to get through the challenges that lay ahead. You like many others can succeed in your path. Good luck to you. Hold you head high and be proud of your choices. You are on your way to having the outside match the beauty inside.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i remember my first night in the empty apartment when i got started

it's going to be fine... you will find every day is different.. you are going to learn now what you've always wanted to learn... i think you are right to think of the male life as a crutch..but it didnt protect you as much from others as from yourself..

i hope you learn that you can really do this and it really does matter to be true to you own self..

april nails it when she says you will certainly be surprised at the lack of attention...

[SherriePall]

Having not gone through what you are now doing, I can only say that you will survive and become a stronger person, although I believe that most of the journey will be uneventful. Just don't let your fear rule you. Use it wisely. I wish you the best.

[boardpuppy]

I'm reading and learning and you have really sparked an interest in me. You know what you want and have gone for it. A few minor bumbs along the way but that is to be expected. There is loads of encouragement/support comming your way.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Christy, first of all, as no-one else seems to have said it, congratulations on moving into yout new home :hugs:

I know from first hand experience how scary it can be moving to a new area, but as the others have said, you will probably find your new neighbours are quite nice people.

At the moment you are feeling concerned that you won't be able to fall back to your old self, but perhaps you could look at it as an opportunity to start with a clean slate - none of your neighbours will be comparing you with that bloke. All they will see is the lovely person who is the real you.

[Kelsy]

Hi Christy,

Can I join the group and wish you the best!?! This is huge and you are on your way!
I'll be watching closely because my day is fast approaching and I want to see nothing more
than for you to succeed!! You have my respect and affection!

K

[Christy_M]

You ladies never cease to amaze me with your wisdom and kind words. I have a lot to live up to and with all your encouragement, I know I will be OK. Thank you so much for being there for me on this journey.

Many hugs,

Christy

[Hope]

I just (today!) had my offer to buy a new house accepted - so I understand your concerns about moving into a new place.

And I TOTALLY get the sudden realization of the loss of male security. I got a little freaked out walking through a dark parking structure one night and have ever since carried pepper spray in my purse. Somehow I always knew that this was the reality for women in our world - but I never really understood it. We can't hide behind being "manly" or intimidating or imposing or threatening anymore. We have to learn new skills and techniques. Which of course is exactly what we WANT to do. At least that is the entire point in my mind. But it is still startling and anxiety producing at first.

You came out to every one in your world? You walked out the door for the first time in a dress? You threw the hand grenade in your life? THAT was harder. You can do this - even if you have to hold on to something while the room spins - don't falter or hedge. You aren't lying, you aren't pretending. This is YOU. People won't know to treat you any differently than with dignity and respect - unless you tell them otherwise.

But I have to say - I am looking forward to moving into a place where no one knows, or has ever seen, or ever will see the guy.

That liberation and wholeness you feel looking at your closet full of your clothes? It pales in comparison to introducing yourself as Christy to people who never knew the guy. This is your new life. Move in.

[Aprilrain]

I got a little freaked out walking through a dark parking structure one night and have ever since carried pepper spray in my purse. Somehow I always knew that this was the reality for women in our world - but I never really understood it. We can't hide behind being "manly" or intimidating or imposing or threatening anymore.

Ii was never threatening or really all that manly or intimidating I just wasn't the object of sexual desire for most men! come to think of it im probably still not! lol

[Melody Moore]

Oh Christy, I know its scary hun, but you are one hell of a strong woman & I believe that you are going to be OK.

The hardest of hurdles you have overcome, now it's your time to spread your wings & experience the total freedom
of being your true self. No more lies & feeling like you are deceiving everyone around you. I find it hard to express
how I feel now about being free of all the constraints that held me back. I don't know how you feel Christy, but
being a male was very hard for me, but now that I am full-time female I can do what I want & have whatever when
I want & express myself as the real me. So stay focused on everything positive in your new life, get involved
with as many support & social networks as you can & start building your new life. But don't box yourself in to just
the trans & LGBT communities, find some GG friends as well because there is so much you will learn from having this
type of influence now in your life. When you start to get this all happening in your life then things are not so scary.

But it is also nice to know that there are others just at your finger tips here on this type of forum that you
can also talk to any-time you feel lonely or a little lost. I feel better just knowing there are people here for me.

Anyway, I am sure you will transcend any fears that you have real soon ;)

:hugs:

[RedNBlack]

These are all problems that I'm sure a majority of us have to at least face one day. But I love hearing how everyone comes across and tackles them. I think in this age in time that the CD/TV/TS community has grown a lot and people are beginning to accept it.

[Stephenie S]

Christy,

You have a lovely smile.

If you just remember to flash that smile, you will move mountains.

This is gonna be SO much fun, sweetie.

Stephenie

[Melody Moore]

I think in this age in time that the CD/TV/TS community has grown a lot and people are beginning to accept it.
This is so true, there are more people out there in society now that know someone who is transgendered.