how to prepare

[Steph.TS]

in a little over a week I'm planning on going to a support group for transsexuals, I'm nervous as I live in a conservative city/province, I don't know what to expect, and my mind keeps coming out with potential issues or problems that might happen. My therapist wants me to go and I think it's a good idea. I'm hoping to get some feedback to possibly fill in the blanks, or reassure me that it's safe to go.

[Katesback]

Everyone at the group was in the same place as you are today!

[StaceyJane]

Once you get there you should enjoy it. Worrying about potential issues has the potential to take away your fun. I live in a conservative area and I have gotten over my fear and the only thing keeping me back now is the 100 degree summer heat.

[Eryn]

Kate is absolutely right. Everyone there will be looking out for you!

Wear comfy clothes, this isn't dress-to-impress time!

[Wendy_Marie]

Once you are there you will be in good and like minded company...relax and don't let yourself become to anxious over the what if's....

[Frances]

What issues or problems have you been worrying about? I have been going to a support group on and off for a few years (mostly off nowadays), I may be able to help you overcome them. Like Kate said, everyone was like you at one point, so there is not need for worry, really.

[Steph.TS]

What issues or problems have you been worrying about? I have been going to a support group on and off for a few years (mostly off nowadays), I may be able to help you overcome them. Like Kate said, everyone was like you at one point, so there is not need for worry, really.
as I said it's a conservative place, I'm worried that some one might vandalize my parents car when I go there, or I might see someone I know, or get outed somehow etc...

[Frances]

One thing though, please show up dressed or get dressed there, but please make an effort. One thing that always bothered me as a member of these groups is men showing up presenting as men and asserting being women. I don't mind someone showing up with the blue shadow of a beard under make-up, a bad wig and thrift store clothes. One of the reasons I stopped going to my group is because a man has been showing up for over a year demanding to be called Eve with a three-day beard and boy clothes. Attendees do not have to be pretty or adroit with their make-up, but they should at least present as their target gender. This is my opinion and pet peeve. Maybe other people see it differently.

[Frances]

as I said it's a conservative place, I'm worried that some one might vandalize my parents car when I go there, or I might see someone I know, or get outed somehow etc...

You may not believe me at this stage in your transition, but "People do not care about you or what you wear." If you are too worried though, change into your clothes at the group and finish your makeup there also.

[Starling]

...Wear comfy clothes, this isn't dress-to-impress time!

And if you wear forms, put them in the fridge for a bit before you go.

:) Lallie

[Aprilrain]

as I said it's a conservative place, I'm worried that some one might vandalize my parents car when I go there, or I might see someone I know, or get outed somehow etc...

is it in a crumby neighborhood? why would your car get vandalized? if that was something likely to happen im sure they would have moved the group by now.
If you see someone you know won't they be in the same boat as you? your not likely to be outed.

I tend to agree with Frances at least make an effort. I understand that some people are not out at work and come straight from there but still. I would rather have died than go to a TS meeting as a boy even though i was not full time back then. I got a lot out of going at first but get less and less especially now that i am full time. I feel obligated to go because people were there when i first showed up.

[Aprilrain]

And if you wear forms, put them in the fridge for a bit before you go.

:) Lallie

in the winter too?.................

[Steph.TS]

I tend to agree with Frances at least make an effort. I understand that some people are not out at work and come straight from there but still. I would rather have died than go to a TS meeting as a boy even though i was not full time back then. I got a lot out of going at first but get less and less especially now that i am full time. I feel obligated to go because people were there when i first showed up.
I agree I should do something but my wardrobe is very limited, and seeing as I don't know how to shave my legs, I can't wear a dress/skirt, one thing that really bothers me is I feel safe on internet, if anyone browsing the forum saw me tomorrow you wouldn't know I was TS, because no one knows this, but in a support group my face will be known, and I'll be making an impression, I don't want to look bad or weird, I want to be beautiful, but I pretty much have to get home then run off to the support group (while telling my family I'm going to a movie) how can I look good quickly?

[arbon]

just do what you can and are comfortable with. Does not have to be skirt or dress. Jeans, causal blouse. Makeup is the hard part but keep it simple. I'm terrible at giving advice on how to look good! Especially in a hurry. After the first time it will get easier, you will be more comfortable, can work out the look.

My first time to a trans support group was my first time out as woman really. At least sober and being serious. I had one sorta wearable outfit. It made me look kinda young at least, though not really like a woman. Your post reminded me of it. I had a video of myself that night and I just watched it - really bad! I was so scarred. But once I did it and met some I was really glad to have taken the risk.

After the meeting a group went out to eat and me and my wife went along. Trans people out in public! jeesh..They were trying to kill me and my wife (who had gone with me). but I think being around other trans people and hearing there stories really helped give me a better perspective on what I was considering doing, and I made some good friends to. Good luck!

[Starling]

in the winter too?.................

I should have quoted Staceyjane on the 100-degree heat.

:) Lallie

[Jay Cee]

Don't worry about it, Steph. I had smiliar fears, and they weren't helped when I noticed the building across the street: "Fitness / Fight Training Centre". Gulp! But nothing happened, and no one ever mentioned any problems. I parked half a block away, just to play it safe (my car is somewhat distinctive).


One thing though, please show up dressed or get dressed there, but please make an effort. One thing that always bothered me as a member of these groups is men showing up presenting as men and asserting being women.

Hadn't really thought of it from that angle, Frances. Totally makes sense, though.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Frances, I hear that it bothers you, but if i could bring up the other side of it..
you don't have to go dressed... life is long...

i went to my first 2 meetings "not dressed", sat in my car for 45 minutes and was late etc... the next meeting i was looking like a ***** at christening... the people came to my meeting sometimes in male clothes but wore earrings...
I needed to go into that room, and i needed to be me... i simply could not get myself to go in there dressed until i saw the place with my own eyes...my therapist wanted me to get dressed but i didn't..

i can admit frances that later on, there was a person in our group that came "male" every time..and i didn't like it..but i think a pass on the first meeting is ok...

steph
the thing you need to understand about your condition, is that the relief comes from expressing your gender in whatever way you can.. just going to the meeting will comfort you..seeing trans people with your own 2 eyes will comfort you...realizing that your head will not explode, and that you will not be shot on sight for being trans will comfort you...

it sure seems like this meeting has potential to really help you...

[Frances]

Most groups meet in a semi-secret locations, and there is always safety in numbers.

We meet in a masonic lodge!

[Aprilrain]

I agree I should do something but my wardrobe is very limited, and seeing as I don't know how to shave my legs, I can't wear a dress/skirt, one thing that really bothers me is I feel safe on internet, if anyone browsing the forum saw me tomorrow you wouldn't know I was TS, because no one knows this, but in a support group my face will be known, and I'll be making an impression, I don't want to look bad or weird, I want to be beautiful, but I pretty much have to get home then run off to the support group (while telling my family I'm going to a movie) how can I look good quickly?

I think the point that Frances was making was why should anyone take you seriously if you are not at least trying. I see GUYS come to our meetings all the time and they dress like guys and like i said some are coming straight from work but many are just unwilling to go out dressed, hey great do what your comfortable with but I personally will have a hard time taking someone who is dressed like a guy but whose mane is Amy or whatever seriously. now if you look awful as a girl I will understand the desperation that drove you to go out in public, even if only to a TG support group meeting, dressed really badly lol.

Girl there aint nothing to shaving your legs. If the hair is long trim it with clippers first, if you don't have clippers then just use Nair the first time. You will still need to shave afterwards because it never gets all the hairs but you will get the lions share with the Nair. If your legs were like mine CAVEMAN HAIRY lol then don't try to wash it down the drain either clip out of the shower and sweep it up then shave or if using Nair wipe the hair off with paper towels and put it in the garbage. then shave in the shower. depending on how sensitive your skin is you may have razor burn all over so probably long pants or capris for now but i would still recommend shaving as it is something you will need to get used to anyway plus if you keep up with it its easier to deal with. For me having saved legs was something i could do right away that made me look and feel more feminine which helped me mentally. even if you are still presenting as male trust me almost no one will notice and if they do just say yeah i shaved my legs cause i have dry skin and it makes putting lotion on easier and more effective which is true.

you will not at this stage be able to look good quickly because Make up is an art and it must be practiced Genetic woman who always look all dolled up spend lots of time trying to look that way hair, makeup, nails, these things take time to do and to master.

[Starling]

We meet in a masonic lodge!

Do you have your own handshake?

:heehee: Lallie

[Hope]

One thing though, please show up dressed or get dressed there, but please make an effort.

I have to disagree.

I mean - yeah - I agree - it is great when girls show up dressed and they are able to do that and feel comfortable. It was always a great assurance to me to see the other girls dressed and to see that the other girls, tall - fat - old - whatever were able to overcome their issues. Now I hope I can be that same example for others. And I agree it is jarring when folks show up presenting as men and want to be addressed as women. But we of all people should be understanding of that.

I say GO to the meeting. Go dressed however you are comfortable. But GO. The support and the connections you will make to the community are critical. You will be among friends and people who know your struggles. Later on - when you are further down the road - show up in a dress when you are comfy. Later still, when you see a girl show up in guy clothes - remember how you felt when you were where she is and reach out to her - support her.

What is most important above all else is that you go and receive the support you need today.

[Steph.TS]

I sent them an e-mail, today I got an e-mail back she wants me to come, she also said I don't have to present as my new self that they are very understanding, but you guys made some very good arguments about why I should dress and present as a woman. I have less than a week to figure out if I should present as a woman, and what I should wear if I do... but however I present/dress I am seriously going to do my best to get there.

[renee k]

I sent them an e-mail, today I got an e-mail back she wants me to come, she also said I don't have to present as my new self that they are very understanding, but you guys made some very good arguments about why I should dress and present as a woman. I have less than a week to figure out if I should present as a woman, and what I should wear if I do... but however I present/dress I am seriously going to do my best to get there.

Steph, I think the main thing here is to be your trueself. Go with an open mind and remember everyone else there started from the point as you. Support groups have a lot to offer and you shouldn't pass them up because of worries of how you will be preceived.

Renee

[Aprilrain]

I sent them an e-mail, today I got an e-mail back she wants me to come, she also said I don't have to present as my new self that they are very understanding, but you guys made some very good arguments about why I should dress and present as a woman. I have less than a week to figure out if I should present as a woman, and what I should wear if I do... but however I present/dress I am seriously going to do my best to get there.

please do get there however you dress. you can worry about your femme presentation next time!

[Kaitlyn Michele]

As long as you get there.
There is no reason to miss this ...everyone there is going to be there to help themselves and help you.

[Steph.TS]

its happening in 4 hours the more I think about it the more scared I become.

[Frances]

Good luck, but I am sure it's going to go well.

[Bree-asaurus]

It'll be fine :) I was nervous as all hell my first time and it took a while for me to actually go as myself. We meet downtown at a church in a slightly not-so-nice area and I've never had problems. No one really cares.

Dress however you feel comfortable. Don't feel pressured to do anything you're not ready for. They will be understanding.

Most of all, have a good time! Meet new people and make new friends!

Let us know how it goes!

[Steph.TS]

just finished the meeting I've never felt so lost. When I first arrived I saw a stunning, beautiful woman talking about getting an orchidectomy in a few weeks, I didn't say a word the whole time I was there. I even felt shameful saying I was Stephanie . the whole time I was asking myself can I even do this, should do this, my fears about how easily read I might be I don't know if I can be thought of as simply a woman.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Congrats on going to the meeting...I'm sure you have all types of emotions....but you went! That is great!
The shame you feel is quite common..that is why you need to get help so you can see with your own two eyes there is nothing to be ashamed of...no matter how you look...passing as a woman, and how you present are quality of life issues you will need to consider...but that doesn't have anything to do with whether you are a woman or not..

Congrats again..

[Aprilrain]

The thought that I would never be able to pass and would be laughed at ridiculed beaten or worse kept me from moving forward 6 years ago even though I was pretty certain this was what I wanted. I even tried just being an out to my wife CDer and dressing around the house as an alternative but found it was only a very temporary and hollow solution to my problem and it did nothing for the shame and guilt associated with being a woman trapped in a mans body! Desperation finally drove me to start getting out dressed as a woman. It was 3 in the morning at Walmart but I had to start some where. The days i feel the best about myself are the days I say "who cares if they know" then I don't have to worry about passing because I just assume I don't. My wife and I recently went to a concert. when we were there a friend of hers who I had never met came up and started talking to her. I was standing right next to my wife and even spoke with this woman a little. This person knew that my wife's "husband" was trans but never made the connection that I was "he" she just thought I was my wife's friend! So I passed and that was a time when I assumed I wasn't passing but didn't care. anyway the point is you would be surprised at how many of your fears are totally unfounded. this is not to say you shouldn't be careful and it will definitely take time to learn all of the skills needed to look presentable but don't sabotage your self before you even get started. maybe do something between now and the next meeting to help you feel more femme. I know shaving really helped me.

[Frances]

The thought that I would never be able to pass and would be laughed at ridiculed beaten or worse kept me from moving forward 6 years ago even though I was pretty certain this was what I wanted.

Same here. I first saw the doctors of the Montreal General Gender Clinic at 28. The fear of never passing made me delay transition another 12 years.


This is not to say you shouldn't be careful and it will definitely take time to learn all of the skills needed to look presentable but don't sabotage your self before you even get started. maybe do something between now and the next meeting to help you feel more femme. I know shaving really helped me.

Totally agree with this. That stunning trans woman at the meeting should inspire you instead of discourage you. I sometimes meet new people at my group, and they tell me how they will never look like me. I sometimes bring pictures of me "dressed up" at 28. Their jaws drop. I looked wretched. We all start somewhere.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

+1 to april and frances...

in fact, i recall being in a horrible auto accident at the age of 26..i was in my destructive alcoholic mode, and i drove my car into a telephone pole, which split in two.. i then hit a tree, my car flipped over, and i ejected FACE FIRST through the window, but my body was caught in the shattered glass, and i was stuck there, found by police who assumed i was dead...emt's saved me..

when i woke up, i looked at my face, and here's the kicker...i thought to myself...whew, now i can never look like a woman, so i can never deal with wanting to be one.. i actually felt relief...
not a word of exaggeration...

over the years, this relief turned to suffering as i realized the feeling was only growing and eating me up...the idea that i could never "pass" went from relief to grief and of course i finally just gave up coming up with excuses and went forward

[Hope]

just finished the meeting I've never felt so lost. When I first arrived I saw a stunning, beautiful woman talking about getting an orchidectomy in a few weeks, I didn't say a word the whole time I was there. I even felt shameful saying I was Stephanie . the whole time I was asking myself can I even do this, should do this, my fears about how easily read I might be I don't know if I can be thought of as simply a woman.

You sound like me after I went to my first meeting. Totally, completely, utterly, overwhelmed, and amazed, and horrified, and in awe. And convinced I could NEVER pull off what those other women were pulling off - and I NEVER wanted to pull off what some of them were pulling off. Oh - and I totally felt like a fraud about using my "girl" name too.

I went to a meeting a few weeks ago, it was the first meeting I had been to in several months, and I looked around the room at the girls I used to look up to and feel intimidated by and something strange happened. I realized I am better at this than they are. The girls I looked up to and felt intimidated by - I now sort of look down on (though I don't like admitting it). Now I am the girl talking about orchitomy, and name change and gender marker change, and the effects of HRT... Somehow I went from being completely intimidated to being one of the big girls responsible for helping the girls who are just starting out find their way.

I'm not sure when it happened - and it was a weird experience to note that it has happened - but I bet it will happen for you as well. It isn't a quick process. There are a bazillion little details. But every detail you learn and master is one step closer. Oh - and the day you stop feeling like a fraud about using your "girl" name - that is a long way off - but when it happens - it is breathtaking. I remember VERY clearly when it happened for me. I was with a customer - I had been using my "girl" name exclusively for maybe a month or more, it is on my name tag - and a customer asked me how to pronounce it and I said "I'm Hope" and almost started to cry.

If you are willing to do the work - you too CAN do this. You can start today.

[danielleb]

First off, I wanted to say congratulations to Stephanie. It's taking that first step that is the hardest, and even if you choose to never go back to another meeting, you walked out the door one day and admitted to the public around you and yourself that you are trans. Of course if you choose to put that back in the closet, we'll all be a little disappointed, but something tells me that's not the direction you're headed in. And even if that is not the right group for you, don't be afraid to try out any others that may be in your area, but do try to give each group a fair shot, not everyone shows up at one particular meeting, and the whole tone can change over time.

Now, I just had to chime in that reading through this thread I was personally offended by the additude that it is required for someone to dress to be taken seriously! (thank you Hope for stepping in) I spent several months attending my group without dressing because of several factors (poverty, 2 hour bike ride to get there), but largely because it wasn't right for me to do so at that point. My life was far too disjointed for me to throw something like that ontop of it at the time, and dressing at the meetings would have just been that, dressing up to apease a group, which is exactly what we expect no one else in the world to think we are doing, so why would we mandate that among our own kind!?!? I didn't play heavy on demanding, or even the necessity to be addressed as a female by name or pronouns, I just wanted to be among people that I knew could understand what I was telling them in a way that anyone who hasn't lived through this experience could have. I had no alternatives, and without that group suicide was a emminent conclusion (not that I've escaped that, but I'm certainly better). If you fail to grasp the concept that gender takes place in the brain and need the reassurances of visual cues to believe what someone is telling you, then perhaps the groups are not the right place for you to be as you are clearly not standing in your own life with enough security to be able to help anyone else around you, and risk causing irreversible damage to people that are inherrintly at their most fragile!:eek::sad:

[Carvery Carly]

And if you wear forms, put them in the fridge for a bit before you go.

:) Lallie

Why? Is that just for silicone forms?

[Aprilrain]

Why? Is that just for silicone forms?

because it is HOT out sweetie she was just being funny.

[Frances]

If you fail to grasp the concept that gender takes place in the brain and need the reassurances of visual cues to believe what someone is telling you, then perhaps the groups are not the right place for you to be as you are clearly not standing in your own life with enough security to be able to help anyone else around you, and risk causing irreversible damage to people that are inherrintly at their most fragile!

Fantasy, mental illness and fetichism also reside in the brain.

Support groups are not meant to replace individual therapy or therapy groups. Someone at their most fragile needs therapy. The point of support groups is sharing similar life experiences in the hope of providing or finding a mirror so as to feel less alone. Out of respect for people who have come out (and lost everything), live full-time and/or had SRS that are members of the group, it is important to make some kind of effort that shows future commitment. If not, it is only fantasy and a waste of time to the people who are much further along. This does not mean showing up looking pretty or super convincing. The dressing (however partial) can be done on the premises, whatever. I have been in these groups a long time (I am post-op) and have seen a lot of men who thought they were women. They all went back to their lives of men. I don't know about your group, but ours is for trans people, not people caught up in fantasies. Transition is about making visible (yes, visual cues) what is between the ears. Otherwise, one can keep being a closeted cross-dresser and avoid all the pain of transition.

[Aprilrain]

Fantasy, mental illness and fetichism also reside in the brain.

Support groups are not meant to replace individual therapy or therapy groups. Someone at their most fragile needs therapy. The point of support groups is sharing similar life experiences in the hope of providing or finding a mirror so as to feel less alone. Out of respect for people who have come out (and lost everything), live full-time and/or had SRS that are members of the group, it is important to make some kind of effort that shows future commitment. If not, it is only fantasy and a waste of time to the people who are much further along. This does not mean showing up looking pretty or super convincing. The dressing (however partial) can be done on the premises, whatever. I have been in these groups a long time (I am post-op) and have seen a lot of men who thought they were women. They all went back to their lives of men. I don't know about your group, but ours is for trans people, not people caught up in fantasies. Transition is about making visible (yes, visual cues) what is between the ears. Otherwise, one can keep being a closeted cross-dresser and avoid all the pain of transition.

I really have to agree with Frances on this one. I understand that someone who is new might not feel comfortable their first time and I also understand that for some there are extenuating circumstances such as work or perhaps not being out at home yet, whatever, but after awhile maybe 2 or 3 meetings the question becomes "are you going to do this or not!" personally i couldn't imagine showing up for my first meeting NOT dressed and when they said "if you can't dress come anyway" I thought "you will never see me dressed as a boy!" if I couldn't dress I wouldn't go. I spent decades hiding from myself and I made the decision to not do that anymore weeks before i went to a meeting. My motivation for going to the meetings was to meet others like myself so when there are a bunch of weird old men siting around talking about being woman but just look like unkempt weird old men its frankly kinda creepy. Then there are the ones who are not weird except for the fact that they have been coming for ages but dressed as boys yet they have a female name. I know one guy who has never stepped foot out of his bedroom dressed as a woman but is taking hormones!!!!!! to me that is BAD THERAPY! this guy doesn't even own walking around clothes he only owns bed room cloths! how do you know you want to be a woman for real in the outside world (not just in your head) if you can't even leave your bedroom in female attire. We have offered to take him shopping but he refuses. Personally i think he is playing a dangerous game, his plan is to go full time when he starts back to school in the fall! With what cloths or female life skills I have no idea! No doubt he feels he is a woman in his head but he doesn't look like one or sound like one I can't imagine he's going to be able to put together a wardrobe for school and what about make up? I have worn make up almost everyday now for 10 months and have barely scratched the surface of this ART. Being a woman is NOT a theory it must be lived and choosing a female character for your self in a video game doesn't count.

[Frances]

I know one guy who has never stepped foot out of his bedroom dressed as a woman but is taking hormones!

OMG, are we going to the same group?

[Aprilrain]

OMG, are we going to the same group?

I wish! You would probably make going worthwhile. Only i don't speak French ; )

[danielle40I]

Steph...I want to sincerely thank you for starting this thread, and the profound insights all of you have shared.

For me the most insightful is the Concept of "fantasy" vs a truer cognition of self percieved reality. April shared her thoughts regarding the person who, while aspiring to be female, had no experience being female beyond his bedroom. Totally lacking in the skills or trappings, as it were, to function in modern society as a woman.

As a crossdresser not yet out and about where I live now, this thread has hit many chords resulting in my own introspection and rememberence of times past.

Steph, I fully understand your feelings of awe, admiration and profound desire to be able to emulate those individuals that appear to so easily present as women. While I had the ability to dress and apply make-up prior to my first meeting in NJ, I couldn't help but feel so much less than those that pulled themselves together so well.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is, you have to establish your own pace given your personal circumstances. Move forward as BEST you can...it's all you can do. Echoing Hopes' assertion, the ones you are impressed with now may very well be the ones who will admire you, for your courage and fortitude, in time to come.

Danielle

[Dita_B]

Steph...

I'm a certified professional counselor and life coach, specializing in transgender issues here in Vancouver, BC Canada and I will be very short...

Take the advise from Frances, she's been there and done that... Your whining proves that you're not ready to even go to those meetings... Your therapist was right to tell you to attend those meetings, not for the meetings themselves, but in the first place to force you to make a few decisions for yourself... It forces you to decide for yourself whether becoming a woman is a reality or a fantasy...

If it is a fantasy, as I think it is for you, you'll keep whining and finding excuses to avoid the real issues... If it is reality, there's nothing stopping you from reaching your goal of becoming a woman, regardless of all the issues you're bringing up... You'll go literally through brick walls to get there... I have done it, Frances has done it and countless others here on this site have done it...

So, I will not join the chorus here who's trying to motivate you with silk gloves... My advise is to do some serious soul searching before you go even one step further...

Do a reality check, Steph and go from there... When you have done that you'll know what I mean...

All the best to you...

Dita.C.Brown M.Psy; MBA.