When Do You Start Living as a Woman and Does It Matter?

[Beth-Lock]

The conventional steps in the process, put getting gender counselling first, living as a woman full time for a year or two next and only then taking anti-androgens followed by taking female hormones, the next step being Gender Correction Surgery.

That is of course not the only route. In an emergency sitaution where a male has engaged in self-mutilation due to sorrow over their male parts, I have heard of a sex change operation being done right away, disregrding taking all the other steps that are conventional.

In an non-emerrgency situation, getting Gender Correction Surgery is the climax of physical and role transformations. But some professionals have concluded that going through the steps until completion of a year or so of hormone therapy, will make passing as a woman practical for more people, due largely to facial feminisation, and only after that comes living as a woman full time. This seems to be the more modern approach.

Then there is the radically independent approach, after experimenting with part-time cross-dressing for a couple of years, without seeing a professional speicalizing in gender trnsistion, suddenly deciding one day to start living as a woman full time, and doing that without consulting anybody. Only when psycholgoical difficulties were encountered, the help of professionals was enlisted. and then after a long time anti-adnrogens were tried, though they proved problematic. The goal of Gender Correction surgery is still a long way off for this person, even after completing two years living full time s a woman. (That was me.)

There are many roads apparently, but all roads lead to Rome. Or do they? Do you need to even have gender Correction Surgery as your goal? Or is coming to that decision part of an escalating progression?

Quick survey? How many tried the last, unsual route? Or did you escalate in dressing as a woman progressively more of the time? I escalated progresively, but kept it mostly done in private, until the day of decision, to come out full time. And at what point in the steps of transition did you escalate to full-time?

[Nicole Erin]

Well I have not consulted some "therapist" in over 10 years.
When did I start "living full time"?
Well, I had my voice trained, beard tweezed and now maintenance, and December had my name legally changed. I was also divorced, making that obstacle gone.
So as of 2011 is when I pretty much started living full time...

There is all this talk about going to therapists, getting these letters, getting this or that surgery, coming out, getting FFS...

What if someone cannot afford all that? Anymore it is all I can do to keep gas in my car and carbon monoxide in my lungs.
Yet voice training is free, clothes are cheap, overall feminizing the body best you can (including a femme hairstyle) is not that expensive, learning to act and mannerize as a woman, that is not expensive or and you don't need a letter from Dr Quack.

So I mean really, transition steps are largely defined by your finances. If you don't have them, I mean sure you could wait years to try to build a career, get all this money, etc, however, life is taking place today, not 20 years down the road. hekll in 20 years I will be close to 60.

So when do you do anything? Today is the first day of the rest of your life

[Aprilrain]

Honestly don't remember the day i said no more boy clothes in fact i still have some though i never wear them. and most are gone now. I guess it was the day I went over to my kids mothers house with a skirt on instead of capris a few months ago but I had been full time female clothing for a while since before that i would just go more andro around certain people. I don't hide from anyone now if they don't want to see me that is their choice. I agree with Erin why wait? So much of my life has already past me by that would have made a lot more sense to me had i been a girl, Im not about to waist any more time.

like you said some focus almost exclusively on SRS others are more concerned about a social transition what ever floats your boat but for me Hormones were extremely important not for going full time or passing but because I desperately wanted to get rid of my male hormones which just felt like poison to me. now im dealing with the rather permanent effects of that poisoning which is where FFS comes into play. also even if the Hormones had no physical effect at all I would still want the mental and emotional changes which have been profound. I feel that hormones have been the key that unlocked the woman inside. she had been chained up by testosterone for so long and there was only so much she could do in that condition. like using your foot to write because your hands are tied.

[Jorja]

You start living as a man or a woman from the moment you first accept and embrace the idea that you are going to become the opposite of the gender you were born. Yes there are many steps to transition and there are surgeries to endure but these things do not make one man or woman. That little miracle takes place in your mind. The hormones and surgeries only fix the bodily defects you were born with.

[Badtranny]

When indeed.

I've described my program a few times so everyone here knows I'm a slow transitioner and not yet full time. But I think it's really interesting that three full time gals all have different stories.
This is a very individual process Beth, each of us is unique just like the rest of us ;-)

Each of our lives demands something different and this process is so difficult that I think care needs to be taken to fit your transition into your life in such a way that you can enjoy the journey to the extent that it can be enjoyed.

Above all else, be true to yourself.

[kellycan27]

I began living full time at 20 due to lack of funds I had to wait and save before i could start my actual physical changes. At 24 i began HRT, and got a b/a. At 28.. I got SRS. All done now.. I think that those pre-op, pre-transtional years had a great impact on my attitude, and self confidence as well as giving me experience at living as a woman. By age 22 I was pretty comfortable with my outward presentation, and I think it helped a lot in coping with the waiting game.
Kel

[Melody Moore]

You start living as a man or a woman from the moment you first accept and embrace the idea that you are going to become the opposite of the gender you were born. Yes there are many steps to transition and there are surgeries to endure but these things do not make one man or woman. That little miracle takes place in your mind. The hormones and surgeries only fix the bodily defects you were born with.


Beth, as others have said here, you can go full-time when you have accepted yourself & when you feel comfortable
& please don't ever feel obligated to have to do this or that because that is what others did. Like most others here,
I struggled with gender identity disorder all my life & at the tender age of 15 years old I knew I should have been a
woman, but still I didn't take that step into transitioning until 32 years later. The main things that held me back was
my kids & where to go for help & support, which doctors do I need to see? where are all the support groups? I even
feel at times I used my kids as an excuse not to transition earlier.

So in a nutshell my life was very complex & extremely difficult to work out & this is why it took so long before
I transitioned, but its better to be late than never as they say. I also imagine that it is the same for many others
out there. So keep taking positive steps when you are feeling your strongest & take these steps when & where
you feel the most comfortable. Like you have already identified, we are unique & no two journeys are ever the same
we must do what is right for us at the end of the day.

As I said, I have known I am a female for many years, but I know that I made my decision that I was going to
transition 5 years ago because my kids were all becoming adults & that was the only thing holding me back. So
I have had all this time since then to learn all I could about transitioning before I actually started my journey.

Through learning all I could before transitioning I knew what to expect, especially when it come to understanding
what will happen when I start taking life changing cross-sex hormones & gender reassignment surgery & there was
no kidding myself about any of this. I know that SRS/GRS is not the magic bullet to fix all my problems. So as far as
I was concerned that any issues that I had at the time I had to understand & deal with before I took my first lot of
hormones. So I made the 'unconventional decision' to start living full-time as a female before I started taking hormones
because I wanted to be 100% positive that my decision to transition was the right one for me. After I took my first
steps as a female I knew I felt more comfortable & happier so that affirmed my decision to transition. And I also believe
that all my patience, perseverance & hard work has paid off by how I now feel about myself. Now I am at a point where
I feel I have a future whereas before my life felt 'dead'.

But having said all of this, what works for me, might not work for you, so at the end of the day I am not going to tell you
what to do Beth, just tell you my own own story & tell you how I approached transitioning & overcome some of my hurdles.
Goodluck :hugs:


Above all else, be true to yourself.
Melissa, last weekend I went to an LGBT event here & when I signed a very
large sign in sheet this was my exact message to the local LGBT community.

[CharleneT]

The conventional steps in the process, put getting gender counselling first, living as a woman full time for a year or two next and only then taking anti-androgens followed by taking female hormones, the next step being Gender Correction Surgery.

That is of course not the only route.

Indeed there are many routes, but I think the more common basic format would have you starting hormones prior to living full time. As well... depends on the docs, but often AA's are started with HRT.

As for my "route", it is pretty mundane: living as a woman about 80% of the time for a year, starting therapy, then quickly HRT w/AA's, then 3 months later I went full time. Full time wasn't like a light switch, but more of an annoucement. I was already "full time" by the time I declared myself as such. I do measure from when I changed my name.

I do not think GRS is required for transition, although I think in most cases it is desired. I do not think that having GRS means you are done transitioning, either physically or socially (or in many cases, mentally).

[Rianna Humble]

I guess I almost fit into your unusual route. After fighting who I am for too many decades, I came to a point where I had to act and began cross-dressing. It rapidly became less and less part-time, but I was constrained by circumstances for best part of a year. One of the stipulations of my employer was that I could not go full-time unless I had sought medical support for my transition. In May/June last year, I sought that medical support and began to plan for going full-time. That happened on 1st July 2010.

By the time I attended my first appointment at the Gender Identity Clinic, I had been living as a woman for over 11 months. I won't be able to start Hormone Therapy until at least the start of December because of the way that it happens over here. At my age, I don't expect miracles from the Hormones, but I am looking forward to whatever results they produce.

I definitely want Gender Confirmation Surgery at the right time, but will have to wait for that as my waist is currently too big :sad: I have started to take action on that and want to get below the target before I start hormones since the doctor told me that they will put some inches back on.

To try to answer the last question, I count 1st July 2010 as the start of my transition, it was also (as I said above) my first day full-time.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

There is nothing especially radical about the independent approach. Even though there is a roadmap that you can use, and even a website with that name, it's not necessary, and it seems in case that a roadmap might have frustrated or pressured you..

It seems you had a really good internal sense of what you are trying to do. One of the reasons I feel there are "rules" that people follow is that this is a very intense and difficult road, and it is very helpful for people to see some kind of roadmap for a process that can be very overwhelming to even contemplate..it also helpful for others, and other people are often ignored in our transitions. You did this very privately, and that's similar to what i did... i have a closeknit family, i left my job, and kind of just kept to myself for quite a long time, and i slowly allowed my appearance and attitude, my family supported me despite my awkward appearance and crazymoods and I finally evolved to a point where i felt confident about myself..this took some time.. folks that need $$ right now don't have the option..so they use the road map to show their workplace what they are doing...sometimes i think this causes problem as the transsexual person realizes that they need to stick to some timetable drawn up at work, and there are lots of horror stories about people that couldn't handle that..

Also, age is a huge factor. you might feel there is fricking time for a roadmap...or your road map could be a drag strip (get it?)..your wisdom and experience about the realities of life might have been very helpful, if you are retired that is a game changer and many ts people of our generation wait until retirement or perhaps it was the other way around and you finally realized after all these years that you needed this and nothing was gonna get in your way.. in any case, not having to deal with issues faced by 20 and 30 yrs olds, or 40 yr olds with careers and young families can be very helpful to clear your mind, and it makes following a set of steps that others created much less important.

You sound like you are doing what's right for you now, and thats a really terrific thing..
As far as all roads going to the same place..it's clear that this is not the case... the good news is that you get to decide, and you get to ask lots of people what they did, and how they accomplished their goals.

I proceeded to SRS and i found it to change everything.. I was very surprised at how it impacted my mind, so i often say that altho it's true that it's all in the mind, there is some kind of connection that is broken when srs happens..and the nature of transition and the nature of your life will change...
i feel that if you are questioning whether you "need" it, then getting it will benefit you ...and it becomes a question of how bad you want it..
you will see almost no questioning of whether srs was right from people that have had it..there are medical issues and these need to be considered..

if you are not questioning it, then obviously its a moot point..

as always the good news is you get to choose, nobody can tell you how you feel or what you need to do, they can only tell you what it did for them or why they chose not to take next steps..

one downside of such a private approach is that i found the actual company and personal advice I got from people that i actually met to be very valuable...just being the room with people helped me think about who i was and what i wanted

good luck i think you are doing great

[Nicole Erin]

Really the best thing about living as a woman is this -
Do the best you can and accept your limitations.

They talk about attitude and all and it is quite true - you start doing better once you quit obsessing over gender.
I mean one could say I am making excuses for myself, and that isn't the case, I mean my attitude is quite simply - I present as the best woman I can, pass or not, and don't think about it beyond that.

Nowadays I am more obsessed with my tan and the extra pounds I need to lose.

There is no right or wrong way, you just make transition choices based on limitations, funds, needs, other life priorities, etc.
I mean some TS probably have the funds but their whole social world would crash if they did this.
I am the opposite - I have no funds, yet I have the acceptance (self and others).

No matter what you do in life - do the best you can with what you have.

I tell ya this little thing - when we think of transition we think of all the pricey things. Some tend to neglect the aspects where money isn't a factor (or much of one) but get this - the expensive things may or may not be necessary, yet the freebies or cheapies (say like clothing or new hairstyle) ARE necessary.

Also one last thing - what exactly does "living as a woman 24/7" mean anyways? I never figured this one out. Does it mean I have to be in the kitchen most of the time?

[DebbieL]

There are the "standard" milestones, but there are so many smaller interim steps.

A great book on this is
How to Change your Sex: A lighthearted Look at the Hardest Thing You'll ever do.
By Lannie Rose.

I got it on Amazon Books, which has an excellent collection of transgender related fiction and non-fiction.

I remember when I couldn't find even one book on gender identity issues in 10 public libraries, including the Denver Public Library main branch.
Even the erotic liturature was not terribly informative.

[Hope]

I had a plan. It was all very logical. I was seeing my therapist. I was gong to start HRT once I found a new job and I was going to continue to live as a boy for 2-3 years while the hormones worked their magic and while I perfected my make-up / voice / mannerisms / dress / had electro done - the whole bit. And THEN transition publicly. When I was ready. Once my ducks were all lined up in formation.

I dressed at home, but had never been out dressed. Well, once in college, but that ended rather badly. I felt a little silly dressing up. I felt like I was playing dress-up.

I wore girl jeans, and I carried a purse, but I was still presenting as a guy. A gay / metro guy perhaps, but clearly a guy.

Then one day I sort of felt like I had to go out dressed if I was going to continue to take my self seriously as a trans girl. I felt like I could continue to do part time and be the guy when it suited me - but I needed to get past the anxiety and the fear of presenting female. Besides, for me, being a woman has always been about living as a woman - the clothes the hormones, the boobs are all just tools used to get there - to be accepted and understood to be a woman by others.

So one day when I had a therapy session and nothing else scheduled (knowing therapy would be a "safe" place to go out for the first time) I dressed, did my make-up (poorly) and my hair (poorly) slipped into my girl jeans and a girl sweater with boobs underneath and a pair of clippy cloppy girl shoes and out the door I went.

That was basically the day I went full time. It wasn't planned. It wasn't expected. I had been working up to going VERY part time for a bit, but thought that "full time" was still a year or more down the road. I had already had the "talk" with my manager and my HR manager (that went excruciatingly well) but when I talked with them I hadn't been planning anything so complete or immediate. I have only been out as a guy a handful of times since then. 2 of them were for laser. I can only think of one situation where I might ever go out as a guy again - and that is only if I have to - and that is only because I haven't had a legal name change yet.

It felt so natural and so "right" I simply didn't ever want to go back.

A week later I started HRT (I had set up the appointment a month prior) and went dressed. That is sort of when I count from.

I think it is great to have a plan - but if your plan is pushing you too hard, or holding you back, I think it is critical to be willing to revise the plan at will, and on a whim if need be. So my answer to your question "When do you start living as a woman?" is "When you are ready."

[Bree-asaurus]

I never had a real plan... I just have a set of goals. I would keep the long-term goals in my mind, but would always be focused on the NEXT step and basically only taking another step when I was ready to do so... either because I became unafraid or because I just couldn't take it anymore and had no choice.

I've been on hormones for a year, and my current step is going full-time. I've been going as full-time as I possibly can, but situations where I have to talk for prolonged periods of time are holding me back. I'm trying to get comfortable enough with talking in public to be able to fulfill the requirement to change my name and gender. I know my next step after that is "buying out" my old design firm (which has my birth-name in the friggin business name) with my new one. After that... It's SRS when I get the money (going to sell my 68 Camaro).

I don't have deadlines for any of this... it's all basically "when I'm ready." This works for me, but sometimes I need to push myself to do something I am ready for even though I may not know it. Thankfully I have great friends and family that push me too.

Do what feels right for you. Sometimes you may need to push yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with, but you'll know in the back of your mind if that's what you really need.

[Kathryn Martin]

I started counseling in August, started in hormones in October, transitioned to full time in April. Conventional or any other wisdom is useful information but it is your life. Most importantly you have to plan your transition with contingency plan to deal with the unexpected.

[Jennifer Marie P.]

The minute that I knew I wanted to be a wom an I started to live full time started HRT changed my name got breast implants laser treatments and my final step SRS and I feel great.

[Badtranny]

Hope

Brilliant !

I love this story. It feels so honest.


I never had a real plan... I just have a set of goals. I would keep the long-term goals in my mind, but would always be focused on the NEXT step and basically only taking another step when I was ready to do so... either because I became unafraid or because I just couldn't take it anymore and had no choice.

I've been on hormones for a year, and my current step is going full-time. I've been going as full-time as I possibly can, but situations where I have to talk for prolonged periods of time are holding me back. I'm trying to get comfortable enough with talking in public to be able to fulfill the requirement to change my name and gender. I know my next step after that is "buying out" my old design firm (which has my birth-name in the friggin business name) with my new one. After that... It's SRS when I get the money (going to sell my 68 Camaro).

I don't have deadlines for any of this... it's all basically "when I'm ready." This works for me, but sometimes I need to push myself to do something I am ready for even though I may not know it. Thankfully I have great friends and family that push me too.

Do what feels right for you. Sometimes you may need to push yourself to do something you're uncomfortable with, but you'll know in the back of your mind if that's what you really need.


Another wonderful post about the biggest decision any of us has ever made.

You gotta have a plan, but a plans are drawn ON stone, not IN stone. You base your plan on reality, but never be afraid to deviate from the plan as conditions (or nerve) allows.

[Beth-Lock]

Besides, for me, being a woman has always been about living as a woman - the clothes the hormones, the boobs are all just tools used to get there - to be accepted and understood to be a woman by others."

But gender is a reflection of your interaction with others, according to one theory. So what others think and do towards you is important after all.

[Julia_in_Pa]

Hello,

When I was fourteen I found myself in the unusual situation of having a rather large amount of birth control pills at my disposal.
During the early eighties birth control pills contained a large amount of estrogen comparatively to today's versions.
I wound up ingesting at least one or two a day for close to a year causing my puberty to be altered fairly drastically.
I was discovered when I had a rather severe case of the stomach flu and had to go to the doctor.
In March of 2001 I began my HRT regime and have not been off of it since.
In December of 2006 I went full time and have not looked back.
A fairly interesting route to my true self but one I wouldn't trade.



Julia

[Hope]

But gender is a reflection of your interaction with others, according to one theory. So what others think and do towards you is important after all.

It is for me at least.

I know that is different for others. There are folks here who insist it is all about parts. Parts are great, and I want them eventually (when I have the scratch) I am more interested in living.

Neither view is wrong, and neither view is "the" right one.

[Andrea85]

Eh, no real need for a plan if something is right for you. 9 times out of ten, life will throw a curve ball, and you'll have to deviate from the plan anyway. I had no plans at all beginning, and still don't. I started hormones 2 and a half years ago, started seeing a therapist a couple months ago (for issues other than GID) , and went full time not too long ago. Works great for me.