my fathers suggestion!

[Aprilrain]

So my dad suggested that I move to Key west or San Francisco or Maybe New York (read gay) His reasoning was that then I could "try out" this "lifestyle" and when i didn't "like it" I could come back no harm done. He suggested I try it for a year.
WOW!
Never mind it has almost been a year so far, not of full time but at least 7 months out to everyone but my parents and the kids. See I worked my way from the outside in I have been full time to the outside world since before I started hormones 6 months ago and then told "loved" ones as it seemed prudent. Isn't funny that I was more afraid of my own family than the big bad outside world!

[Eryn]

Although I think that your father doesn't quite understand the path you are on, his suggestion might be a good one. Move to somewhere where they only know April and life might become a little simpler and less stressful.

[arbon]

Isn't funny that I was more afraid of my own family than the big bad outside world!

Makes sense - their opinion and the relationship you have with them counts a whole lot more.

[Andrea85]

Although I think that your father doesn't quite understand the path you are on, his suggestion might be a good one. Move to somewhere where they only know April and life might become a little simpler and less stressful.

+1 to that. That's pretty much my train of thought, but being broke and about to start school here, I sorta can't. Lol.

[Frances]

It's funny, every woman in my neighbourhood has pretty much the same lifestyle as mine. I am a firm believer in the Real Life Experience to "try out" this life (no style). That meant in my case, same job, same neighbourhood, same grocery store, same drugstore, etc. There is some toughening up necessary to make it, and hiding will not help. I found that the people close to me could not see me as woman, when strangers did for a long time. Good luck. I'm no expert on family though... I don't have any.

[Badtranny]

April,

Come to San Francisco!

About this time next year I'll be looking for a roomie or two in the city.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

he doesnt think you are serious because to him you really haven't done anything yet..

moving vs staying is a very personal decision...i made my transition in my home on a suburban block...i told the most friendly neighbors, didnt talk to anyone else..my day to day life is private, and hope that the nice neighbors tell the others that it's cool..one woman down the block stopped her car when i was in the yard and told me she thinks its great and that i looked great...so i know they are talking around me..

but the girls are right , until you commit to every day , no matter what, you will run into your dads point of view...in the short run it seems it may be all about your kids and you are smart to take every precaution , make sure this is gonna happen, and then have the big moment... you'll need lots of support, and you'll find no matter what happens when you talk to them, your relationship will play out over many years and they will most likely go through many phases and feelings... you can't avoid this...

maybe some of your recent down moments are around the conflict of not being able to go full time, and the kids...depending on their age, i would be surprised if they don't already know something is up and they may be anxious and confused about it..

my kids told me afterwards they were very concerned and wondered if i was "going crazy" based on how i looked

[Aprilrain]

Oh OK I guess I have not made my self clear. i have been full time around everyone including my parents since about May (I have never been into numbers and time is quite an abstraction to me never set dates for any of this stuff). I have been taking my kids to the pool and I wear female clothes and bating suit I wear what ever i feel like wearing around my kids. My parents don't want to se me as a woman so i just don't wear skirts or dresses but everything is still female and I don't bother taking off my nail polish. They don't see me as Female cause they NEVER will I'm sure my dad just thinks I'm gay, whatever. I told him today that i submitted the paperwork for change of name. tomorrow I will get the paperwork for change of gender signed by my therapist. I would have done that sooner but she never told me she could do it until I mentioned that the Endo would do it when I see him in two weeks, that is when she told me she could do it too. The reason my 5 year old told me i was still a boy is because he's upset that i won't take him in the boys bathroom anymore.

Misty i'm half ready to take you up on that!

[Jorja]

I would say your father is trying to help in his own wierd little way that fathers often do. As you know, it is hard for our parents to see us as anything but the sweet little boy or girl that was born to them. To you and I it may seem absurd or even a ridiculous suggestion, it may seem very right and proper to him. Remember he is of a different generation and different values than you. Just take it for what it's worth. Although, it's not a half bad idea.

[Melody Moore]

Your father might believe he is being helpful, but he is being a total ignoramus & completely
insensitive to your needs. Who needs enemies when you have family like that? Tell him if really
wants to be helpful, then ask him to become educated before making anymore stupid suggestions.

Sorry I wouldn't wear this crap from anyone, not even my own family. And that is why my father
now lives over 2500klms away down south & I couldn't careless now if he dropped dead tomorrow.

[Longing2be-Trisha]

Yes April it would be easier for him to run and start over, but you have done what most fear in a battle and that is to stand and fight for what you know is right. If you always moved away when things are tough you will never know freedom. April you are a strong woman for standing up for yourself and not running to a new town. Your love for your children and to be part of their lives reminds me of a very good friend of mine. He loved his children so much even though they were so far from him, that he came to live with them. He had a huge family a few were scared of him so they hated him, a few did not know him but wanted too, and a few when they saw him ran to him. He showed me what me what true unconditional love is for family. April you have a lot of love for your family never stop showing it to them, like my good friend!

Lot of LOVE and Hugs

[Inna]

April,

Come to San Francisco!

About this time next year I'll be looking for a roomie or two in the city.

Two part answer:

Hey Melissa, do you have couple rooms? I am sooooo in love with the city, which I fell for while visiting with Ousterhout. We went to the Castro and had suuuuuperb time there. Whole experience is wholesome, acceptance, openness and not only pertaining Gay, Les or T but just everything. I will have my FFS in January and will be starting my new life then.

I honestly can say that after seeing the city first hand, and it has nothing to do with just Gay district, it is phenomenal artsy area, full of diversity and accepting souls, everything goes, and the climate is great, I just didn't experience the fog there yet, it may be kind of spooky :)
So yes, take you fathers offer to heart, not that he fully understands, but actually despite his lack of knowledge he has made a fantastic suggestion.

Love, Inna.

[Aprilrain]

I'm torn, I hate this city in fact i hate this whole region! Midwest YUCK! I have wanted to move since I was a child and did for along time but circumstances brought me back 7 years ago and I have felt stuck ever since. I might have to move not because of my father or fear of what people think but because I seriously fear I would kill my self if I stayed here one more winter it is the most bleak and dismal place on earth in the winter! the only thing keeping me here now is the obligation that i feel toward my kids. this still may not be enough though as I truly hate it here.

[ReineD]

I would say your father is trying to help in his own wierd little way that fathers often do. As you know, it is hard for our parents to see us as anything but the sweet little boy or girl that was born to them.

Obviously I'm in no position to address what you're going through, but I can sorta translate for your dad. Jorja has it bang on when she says that he just doesn't get it. He doesn't get it because his field of experience is severely limited. He doesn't know many people who are trans. I don't know if this will help, but would he be willing to increase his exposure to transfolks, which would "normalize" the idea that not everyone is born with a gender that is congruous with externals?

My SO belongs to a TG support group that is great, in that it is run by transitioned TSs, one of whom (the president) has continued her life with her family through transition. She and her wife (and sometimes their son) and a few others set up the place for most every monthly meeting, and they don't pay much attention to what people wish to call themselves. Some are pure CDs, some are transwomen with GG or GM partners, and some are still figuring it out. It's a very welcoming and open place and everyone eats together, chats, jokes around, and generally gets along. It's really laid back. Some parents have come over the years, some adult children, and some SOs. I've gotten to know some of the members to the point where the "gender" question just doesn't come into it. They are who they are, just like me, real, down to earth people. Maybe this only happens in the midwest, lol.

I was thinking that if you could find such a group and give your dad the opportunity to meet others like you, the experience might help to demystify the process for him?


EDIT - Ooops, just saw your above post about the midwest. :straightface: Are you near St. Louis by any chance?

[Kelsy]

April
Key West is not such a bad place to be!! my Wife thinks I should move there besides, being an Island girl,
it would fit me. Maybe I'll see you there! I like to keep my options open because you never know what
may work! You dad is reaching out?

K

[Aprilrain]

I'm in Ohio what once was the industrial armpit of America however China now makes all the crap that we buy so mostly its just ancient rotting industrialism surrounded by suburbs and beyond that cornfields. My support group I go to is pretty good and I know lots of people here there's nothing wrong with the people. Good Midwestern folks with down to earth expectations and goals in life. I totally don't fit in! lol. My sister is in town and we were discussing our parent "problem" yes I'm not he only one who has issues with my parents, both of my sisters got out while the getting was good! Anyway she said they don't want to understand. I think his suggestion is what it is he wants me to go be "GAY" in some "GAY" place so i can figure out that i don't "want" to be "GAY" and then I can come back home to wife and kids no harm done. I'm trying desperately not to laugh as I type. You know I'm glad he said that because It Kinda gives me permission to leave this god forsaken place, and I'm so hopelessly submissive that i feel better when I think I have permission and It relieved me from having to feel like I needed to tip toe around their feelings. Once I have female DL with new name in hand next month I will be April and I will not abide anyones discomfort with it. If they don't like it that is their problem!

[AKAMichelle]

Sounds like what happens in many families. They are ashamed of whatever decisions we make and try to hide it from their friends. They don't want their friends not approving and turning their backs on them for approving of you. So by getting you somewhere else, maybe you will change your mind and then life will go on with this blemish on their reputation. It is a shame that people act in this way so often.

Personally I wouldn't move away. I would stay where you are and move forward, but that is purely your choice to make.

[Aprilrain]

Sounds like what happens in many families. They are ashamed of whatever decisions we make and try to hide it from their friends. They don't want their friends not approving and turning their backs on them for approving of you. So by getting you somewhere else, maybe you will change your mind and then life will go on with this blemish on their reputation. It is a shame that people act in this way so often.

Personally I wouldn't move away. I would stay where you are and move forward, but that is purely your choice to make.

If I lived in Denver I probably wouldn't want to move either!

[Badtranny]

Hey Melissa, do you have couple rooms? I am sooooo in love with the city, which I fell for while visiting with Ousterhout. We went to the Castro and had suuuuuperb time there. Whole experience is wholesome, acceptance, openness and not only pertaining Gay, Les or T but just everything. I will have my FFS in January and will be starting my new life then.

Stay in touch girl. Seriously. January is a little early for me, (as far as I know) but I will definitely be either selling or renting my house here in Concord and moving across the bridge into the mother land. After-all, that's where my new job will be, and I love living with roommates. I could afford to live on my own, but the difference is a small place in an okay neighborhood or a huge place in a great neighborhood.

Wouldn't it be great to have three or four hot T-gals sharing a kick ass walk up in the hills above the Castro?

I should warn you that the application process starts with a candid picture and if you're prettier than me, then you're out. ;-)

[Badtranny]

If I lived in Denver I probably wouldn't want to move either!

I don't know anything about Denver personally, but I want to say something about moving in general.

This TS thing is kind of a major life event. There are people who don't want to complicate it by moving and there are people who don't want to complicate it by not moving. I fall into the latter category.

Moving to the Bay Area a few years ago (to come out as gay!) was easily one of the best decisions I've ever made. I just don't think we can understate the advantage of living in an area that is more progressive. One of the dolls that I communicate with away from this board (facebook friend) is very active in her local TG community and she mentioned to me that there were something like 40 or 50 sisters in her area which was quite a lot for the region. Well, let me tell you something about my beautiful Bay Area. I live in the northernmost end of the Diablo Valley right against the water. Oddly enough Concord has a deep-water Naval port but NO public access to the bay. Anyway, I am (depending on traffic) 15 minutes away from Oakland (through the tunnel) 30 minutes away from San Francisco (through the tunnel and over the bridge) and 45 minutes away from San Jose (straight down the bay to the bottom of the peninsula).

As you can imagine, being so close to 3 major cities puts me in the biggest and most diverse collection of 'burbs and towns in the US except for maybe the New York area. There are literally thousands of people in the Bay Area that are openly TG in some manner. It seems like I see half a dozen new sisters every time I get across the bridge which is at least once a week generally for work or doc appointments. I'm a firm believer that we are all influenced by our environments and I will be the first to say that I might very well still be struggling with my own self acceptance if it wasn't for this wonderful place.

I'm in no way suggesting that you should uproot your life to move, but if you're in a situation like I was with nothing really holding you back, then I think moving to a more progressive part of the country is a no brainer.

[Melody Moore]

Sounds like what happens in many families. They are ashamed of whatever decisions we make and try to hide it from their friends.

You hit the nail right on the head with the main issues that exist between me & my parents. As I mentioned
my father is over 2500klms away and he doesnt have to deal with it, so he is ok with it. But he did tell me
that he doesn't want me anywhere near him. If that is the way he wants to be well that is fine with me. Now
I know where I truly stand with him & he is completely dead in my heart now because of his sheer arrogance.

My mother is in the same boat & has the same attitude where she doesn't want me to go anywhere near her
because she is fearful about what other people think. My mother lives only about 200klms south of where I am
& I have other friends who live there & know I have transitioned. One of them is a 90 year old lady who is also
the mother of one of my best friends. I have spoken to her on the phone & she is totally supportive & respectful
towards me. And when I told her about my mother's reaction, she told me she wants to go around & have a talk
to my mother. I told her not to that it would only make things worse. But one day I will just turn up out of the blue
& I think my mother even knows that & is dreading that day. And even more so because now I do look more like my
mother than ever so everyone will know who's child I am & this is exactly what she fears the most. ;)

[Jessinthesprings]

Melody I am saddened by your parents reactions... and in a sense I fear my own will react similarly and thus I have been "intending" on telling them for over a year now but, before I get the words out I clam up and change the subject...

However, I am hopeful that not all parents will react as yours. I get a sense that April's father may be suggesting what is best for her. I don't think any parent would want their child the subject of ridicule, and at worse violence. Perhaps her going to a more "liberal" city would in a way protect her in his eyes.

For myself when I go full time in this winter I intend to move to a new city. I want to start a new slate and leave the old behind.

[AKAMichelle]

If I lived in Denver I probably wouldn't want to move either!

Then just let it be said that the light is on for you if you want to move here. I run 20th largest TG meetup group in the world here in Denver. We have 222 members and we could always use one more. :D

[Bree-asaurus]

One of my families had once said I should move to a big city like New York or San Francisco because it would be easier for me there...

My response: "F THAT!" If I can't be myself in San Antonio, I won't do any better in any other city. I'm not going to run away and leave my life and the people I care about behind so I can SUPPOSEDLY have it easier.

I'm still here in San Antonio, being myself and planning to continue doing so without any real confirmation of my fears. Where is this family? They're the only two people that I lost because they couldn't fit the real me into their life.

[Inna]

Stay in touch girl. Seriously. January is a little early for me, (as far as I know) but I will definitely be either selling or renting my house here in Concord and moving across the bridge into the mother land. After-all, that's where my new job will be, and I love living with roommates. I could afford to live on my own, but the difference is a small place in an okay neighborhood or a huge place in a great neighborhood.

Wouldn't it be great to have three or four hot T-gals sharing a kick ass walk up in the hills above the Castro?

I should warn you that the application process starts with a candid picture and if you're prettier than me, then you're out. ;-)

What if I am much worst than the pic I send, do I get the discount? And even if we don't end up living under the same roof, I will look forward to spending time with you in the best city in the world :)

[Aprilrain]

My interest in moving has nothing to do with me being TS but rather the MIDWEST SUCKS!!!! at least that is my opinion. I have always been a westerner at heart and lived in various places throughout the rockies and California and Oregon. I miss it a lot especially California. The only thing good about Ohio is its pretty cheap to live here but you get what you pay for right?

[Aprilrain]

Wouldn't it be great to have three or four hot T-gals sharing a kick ass walk up in the hills above the Castro?

I should warn you that the application process starts with a candid picture and if you're prettier than me, then you're out. ;-)

thats easy! I'll make sure to do 2 hours of electrolysis and then not shave, no makeup, and I won't brush my hair either!

Yes Misty it would be kick ass to have some T girl roomies!

[Chickhe]

In many ways I hate the city I live in. I hated it when my parents lived here and probably the fact they moved away led me to stay here, that, and I bought a house and invested too much time and effort in that and my own family. Otherwise, I would pick up and move to wherever I could have a better lifestyle, less taxes less stupid local government, more freedom to just be. My point is, sometimes it is better to leave family behind to build your own life, to prove to yourself that can do it while you can. Leave because you want to, not because someone else wants you to though... you need to feel good about doing it.