Send in the clown

[Kelsy]

I met with my therapist today! My decision has been made to come out!
I cannot continue living as a recluse, hiding away and shriveling up
emotionally. My time is now and I have been preparing to share the real me with everyone. I Have fears and most are the standard fears . but the ones that grip me are these:
I am afraid of getting stuck in the middle not a man not a woman but a f---- I won’t use the word!
Finding myself totally alone with no one. No support of any kind, no intimacy, no caring, and no love.
Finding myself unable to support myself and end up with no means to finish my transition!
I need this but sometimes I feel like everyone is watching and just waiting for a good laugh as I flush my former life! "say it once and everything changes!"

K

ps - there is no intention to offend anyone this reflects only how I feel!

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Kelsy. I think that many of us have shared some if not all of those concerns, but most of us have found that although we were prepared for negative consequences, they don't always materialise.

I know I had visions of all sorts of negativity from people around me. There are plenty of people who would like nothing more than to "get one over" on me, yet that haven't done anything to use my transition against me. People who I expected to react badly, came to me privately to offer any practical support I felt they could give.

In the current global recession, losing your job will always be a worry, but it is not a given that this will be the result of you coming out.

I don't believe that you will get stuck in the middle, as you express your true self you will be seen to be the woman you have always known deep down that you are.

As long as you are part of the cd.com family, you will never be entirely without support. We may not be close enough physically to lend a literal shoulder to cry on, but we will always be here for you.

[Andrea85]

You may not have intended offense by that, but I take offense to that. So those of us who plan on staying in between are freaks then?

[ReineD]

Kelsy, I know there are no guarantees for jobs, but is there a possibility of securing a position with a company that will work with a transitioning TS? Then at least if you are good at your job, you'll continue to have the income to do what you need done. In other words, establish yourself in your job first, and then go ahead with transition with their support?

[kellycan27]

Time to take that leap of faith huh? it may seem unsurmountable now, but you'll be glad you did it ( hopefully) Best of luck!

Kelly

[Katesback]

I personally could care less what a gender f__k does. But what the world sees is indeed a freak. Yes indeed.




You may not have intended offense by that, but I take offense to that. So those of us who plan on staying in between are freaks then?

[AnnaCalliope]

You may not have intended offense by that, but I take offense to that. So those of us who plan on staying in between are freaks then?

I believe she means she would feel like a freak if she got stuck in between. Some are perfectly content with it, some are not. Obviously, from her comments, she would be bothered by it, and your comments show that you probably would not.

[Starling]

Every precious child is somebody's freak.

:) Lallie

[Kelsy]

When I sent this post out I shut my eyes and prayed there would be atleast one response and hit the send button! You have all made me very happy. Thank you all.

Reine - I'm honored! I am self employed blue color and time will tell wether my company can survive a shift of this magnitude but I am prepared to change everything if I need to. I have employment options and have a bit of savings to carry me through if need be though I would rather spend the money on my surgeries etc.
Rianne - sweet and warm as ever thanks
Kelly - Beautiful girl thank you!
Kate - Thanks for watching my back I love this woman!!

[Kelsy]

Please don't be offended by my choice of words sorry!

[Felicity71]

I personally could care less what a gender f__k does. But what the world sees is indeed a freak. Yes indeed.

Crikey, your a throwback to the 50s. Personal expression is the now.

[Melody Moore]

But what the world sees is indeed a freak. Yes indeed.
No they don't Kate this is where you are wrong, noone knows what is between your legs unless
you make it very obvious. So Kelsy need not feel like a freak because this is just total crap.

I am in the same boat as Kelsy & I am determined as I will ever be to see my journey though, but I am
no more a freak than you are Kate, you are a just another freak who has had SRS, so never forget that. ;)

[Bree-asaurus]

I am no more a freak than you are Kate, you are a just another freak who has had SRS, so never forget that. ;)

You made me laugh :D

[arbon]

It is a huge leap of faith. So far my experience has been that my fears were far worse then the reality. Hopefully they are for you to.

[Andrea85]

I am no more a freak than you are Kate, you are a just another freak who has had SRS, so never forget that. ;)

That cracked me up, lol. That's signature worthy there. :D

[Aprilrain]

I've always known I was a freak, embrace the freak within and hope surgeries sort out the rest!

[Melody Moore]

That's very true April, I always felt like a freak anyway, even as a child I felt like I was stuck in
no man's land where I was different to everyone else. People have always been judgemental &
critical while also being hypocritical. So I'm a freak so what's new? & the best part is that I know
I am not alone anymore, here I sit in a community full of freaks just like me. :heehee:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Good luck kelsy. Making progress in your day to day living with gid is a big deal.

I hope you can feel the internal satisfaction that you deserve.

[Kelsy]

Just so you know my therapist didn't like my choice of words either!
Freak is of course determined by ones perspective and seeing that most of us are bunched up at an extreme end of the normalcy bell curve I guess some may say "sure nough now there's a f----"
I just don't want to end up that way by my own standards! Do I think I'm a F---- nope
do others - probably but I have no control over that. and I ain't crying if somebody says I am!

[Gaby2]

Hi Kelsy,
I've just raced through most of your threads - you've had a breathtaking journey and experienced so much.
I really do admire your strength and determination.
And despite that here you are, expressing your anxieties in such an unassuming manner.
I hope you continue to receive the support and means you deserve so that all your wishes materialize.
:)Gaby

[Hope]

Own it girl. Get your freak ON!

I'm actually half serious. There is a time, the awkward time, sort of mid-transition where it helps to sort of embrace your freak-status. It gives you great freedom and latitude to do things outside the norm of conventional society and not be mocked for it. Too much. Particularly if mid-transition is not where you want to stay. After you make it over the hump - and start to return to "normal" on the other side of the gender curve - relinquishing some of that freak status is probably a normal healthy thing to do... But in the ugly time... in the "neither here nor there" time in the time where everyone still calls you "sir" but no one takes you seriously as a guy - owning your "freak" is helpful. At least it was for me.

Coming out is definitely not easy. But it gets easier every time you do it. And you will feel an amazing stress relief and freedom after the fact. No longer hiding, being known by your friends and family. There is no substitute. Then one day you will introduce yourself as Kelsy, and believe it yourself, and it will take your breath away for a moment. It is not easy - but if it is who you are, it is definitely worth it. You will be surprised by how much support you have - and you will be surprised by where it comes from - and where it doesn't.

It will disrupt your life. That is why you are doing it. You don't want things to stay the same. Everything changes - and then you will look back and realize - that not much has changed. Some of the people are different. You will know who your real friends are. The clothes are better. You are happier. But otherwise - life goes on.

And if you are worried about getting stuck in the middle - don't. As long as you are willing to do the work - you can make it. Honestly, getting to the middle is the hardest part. Once you get out to the middle and sort of live in that liminal area - the move towards the OTHER side gets easier and easier and easier all the time. But you have to be willing to do the work. And it IS work.

[Sophora]

It is a huge leap of faith. So far my experience has been that my fears were far worse then the reality. Hopefully they are for you to.

This is my experience as well. I am have crying a lot lately because I will be losing a very supportive work environment(I have to lose when I move back to PA) for the unknown. However it can work to my advantage tho as I can be female from the get-go as many of the people there haven't seen me for over 7 years(this is where I am from originally). There I go rambling again.

As for the OP, prepare for the worst. Prepare to lose everything. People may surprise you sometimes tho with their reactions.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Reading the last part of sophora's post, I was reminded of a ts woman I met prior to transition. Among other things she said was to prepare for a life where it feels like EVERYBODY is against you, and no one will give you credit for your successes...

[Melody Moore]

Among other things she said was to prepare for a life where it feels like EVERYBODY is against you, and no one will give you credit for your successes...
Kaitlyn, this isn't just a skill that transsexuals need to develop, I see
this as an essential skill to deal with people in general in everyday life.

I ran my own computer business for a few years & I had lots customers swear black & blue that my sales & service was
second to none. And these people promised to tell everyone about how great my business was which suited me because
I always believed that the best form of advertising was 'Word of Mouth'. But did they tell all their friends how good I was?

In the 4 years I ran my shop, I had only a couple of customers come to me on the referral of other clients. And while this
next part didn't personally happen to me, I have seen it happen where if you ever did something bad, then the whole town
would hear about it, because by nature people will run to their friends & will whine & complain more than they will ever praise
someone else up. Before I started my own business I contracted for another computer store doing all the support & service
work & the owner of that store worked in car audio previously where he ripped a few people off & the town never forgot &
never forgave him for it. This was the reason I quit my contract with him & then started my own business, but what I learned
here from what I seen happen was a very valuable lesson about people, life & business.

So being prepared to deal with failure without appreciation of your successes is a necessary skill we all need to master.

Human beings are unpredictable & very nasty competitive creatures & there are a few examples of these very cruel
animals on this site that seem to only want to destroy others & if you let them, then I am sure they will. So this is
why we also need to be strong because at the end of the day life in the real world still comes down to the basic laws
of survival & that is the survival of the fittest. So if you are wondering why I can be a hard-headed bi!tch at times
this is why - it is a survival skill that has kept me alive all my life to this day. So I know I won't change how I am for
noone. So at the end of the day those who are just starting their journeys have to do what is right for them, not for
me, you, Kate, or anyone else for that matter.

So I have to ask 'Are you really such a freak when we live in a world full of other freaks & nasty animalistic creatures?'

Suddenly I feel quite normal :heehee:

[Sophora]

Reading the last part of sophora's post, I was reminded of a ts woman I met prior to transition. Among other things she said was to prepare for a life where it feels like EVERYBODY is against you, and no one will give you credit for your successes...

You know what it is very funny. This piece of advise was the first bit of advice that anyone told me when I first started posting here(well ok second the first being find a therapist). This stuck with me the entire time. Every step I take, from coming out at work(which sadly I must leave and they have been very supportive) to telling the people that I do, I keep this in mind the entire time.

I do believe in what Melody said. I keep this in the back of mind whenever I start something new.

[Kelsy]

There is some very thoughtful and useful advice in your posts.

The funny thing is that for most of my life I rarely received credit for my successes in fact many many times I have had
people take credit for what I had accomplished or initiated but it is ok. I want to live my life quietly and am not looking
for any notoriety. I have never been able to hold success for very long. Most of the time it seems like the world has been against me
and that has always driven me to be persistent like a dog with a bone.
Generally I am happy and like who I am and who I am becoming I have problems sure but nothing is insumountable!