Why crossdressing doesn't work...

[Cristi]

This is just thought I had out of nowhere earlier in the day and am wondering what other people's thoughts are.

First, let me say that this is from my perspective as a crossdresser, and will probably NOT be relevant at all to transgendered people, for whom crossdressing is just one aspect of their gender identification.

So my thought:

As a crossdresser for almost 50 years now (!!) I feel like I've been constantly chasing a level of satisfaction that I can never reach, resulting in my always wanting more, then after getting it needing more still.

For instance, when I first started just putting on a pair of panties was heaven. In a short amount of time, that became 'normal' and I needed more. Throughout the years, I moved on up the ladder that most of us climb. Panties to skirts, to full outfits, breast forms, to makeup.... eventually leading to the urge to be seen by others, to go out in public, to be accepted.

I've achieved most of these goals and it always ends the same. What is new and exciting quickly becomes 'normal', so off I go looking for the next step.

At this point, I underdress 24/7, wear a skirt or dress almost the entire time I'm home with my SO, have gone out in pubic shopping, etc. But now that all feels normal.

I find myself out of rungs on the ladder. I do NOT want to transition or live 24/7 as a woman. I enjoy being a man. But the plateau I've reached with my crossdressing leaves me wondering "Where do I go from here" and even worse... once I find out, what do I do after THAT?

The only step left for me is to go for acceptance from friends and family, but the cost of that would be higher than I can pay right now so it is not a step I'm ready to take (I know that some might latch on to this point and try to say otherwise, but just trust me... it isn't right for ME at this point in my life).

I know I should be perfectly happy with what I have... and believe me I DO appreciate the things I have, but I guess after 50 years of always moving toward the 'next thing' I feel like I'm kind of stalled now that there IS no next thing.

And in the end, I am left wondering if I would have been better off having more control, trying to keep myself at a level where even the little things (a pair of panties, or a skirt for a stolen few minutes once a week) would have been better.

[NathalieX66]

Hi Christi,
Would you be satisfied or happy if the only clothes you ever wore were guys' clothes?
What's the next form of self expression? Space alien clothes?

I often notice that people who are obsessesed with getting tattoos never really seem to reach nirvana, so they just keep getting more tattoos, because one or two is never enough. I outdid them all because I have none, and yet I am still happy. Can this type of reasoning apply with crossdressing?
Anyway, I hope my response wasn't too frank or rude.

I forgot to add that we are all products of our own imagination.
Maybe space alien clothes could be fun too!

[Cristi]

... I hope my response wasn't too frank or rude.

Not at all, I think your point is pretty near the mark. That is why I wonder sometimes if the best move would have been to not 'let myself' start at all, or made more of an effort to keep things simple instead of getting on the path with this endless escalation. I don't think I'm alone on it, I rarely see anybody who is satisfied with just a few simple aspects of crossdressing. Eventually we all need just a bit more... and once it starts, it never ends.

But then I guess we're talking about more than crossdressing. There are limits to anything. There is just so much sex you can have, or so many hours of the day for dressing (or people you can be 'out' to). Eventually in anything you do you'll finish the steep part of the curve and come into a plateau.

Maybe I've just reached that plateau and don't know what happens next. I guess I'll just have to try for the 'happily ever after' thing. :)


I forgot to add that we are all products of our own imagination.
Maybe space alien clothes could be fun too!

Only FEMALE space alien clothes, thank you! :)

[AnnaCalliope]

Have you considered doing some kind of drag performance or stage show?

[Cristi]

Have you considered doing some kind of drag performance or stage show?

I've thought of it, but it just doesn't feel like the thing for me (besides being a TERRIBLE performer!) For whatever reason, my personal opinion of drag is that it is on a separate track than crossdressing, not part of the path I've been on. I still might be interested in giving it a try someday, but right now it just doesn't feel like the thing that is next.

[Sarah Doepner]

Cristi, I think I understand your situation. In fact, I've followed a similar path in many ways. Now I too am kind of stuck. I actually know where I'd like to take my dressing next, but in the interest of maintaining family peace that's not going to happen. I've taken that dead-end and tried to find other ways to better understand and experience this situation. Monthly get togethers as part of our Tri-Ess group helps when I can make it, but that's a hit and miss situation. Attempting to integrate some of the feminine into my personality and accept it as a viable alternative to the masculine approach is one way. As for the physical aspect, I'm pretty restrained there. I've polished, epilated, shaved and plucked as much as possible and will have to rely on my collection of Aloha shirts as my refuge from totally male fashion. I can't tell you what to do but I believe the next step will come as a logical extension of everything that has already happened. The timing may be subject to others expectations and needs, but it will happen.

[sissystephanie]

I will start off by saying that I have been a CD over 20 years longer than you!! Yes, I am old!! In that time period I have done just about everything that any crossdresser could do, except anything to do with males or being in a drag show! My late wife always did my makeup and fixed my wig when I went out in public so I could easily pass!! She has been gone for 6 years, but I still go out in public dressed completely enfemme!! But, I wear no wig or makeup!! Just a guy in a skirt! Try that for a difference in your life!! The amazing thing is that in 6 years I have not had one single negative comment made to me. I have had lot of women ask me where I bought the skirt or top, but that is all!! Like I said, try it for a totally different lifestyle!!

[Karren H]

Personally I don't know why we think we have to keep pushing upward and onward. If I never did any more than I do now I'd be happy. Hell if I never crossdressed again id be satisfied that I did so much more than I ever expected to.

[Cynthia Anne]

The definition of human is: NEVER SATISFIED! Don't try to change it because wont be satisfied with the results!

[meri]

Cristi,
What you are describing is ego, it is never satisfied and always wants more, more, more. Take a step aside from that part of your mind and observe it's behavior. Where you go from here is to better understand yourself and your motivations. Once you truly understand, the craving will stop and you can enjoy peace of mind again. Look up an author called "Eckhart Tolle" on Amazon and buy any of his books. He is a bit off the wall at first, but by reading, you will truly understand yourself better and the drive for more, more, more will cease...and it has to cease, because as you pointed out, where do you go from here?

[ilana]

You may just be burned out. Try taking a break.

[Josey]

Based on what has alredy been said your interests towards greater satifaction rest with all of us. Do what you can do, enjoy the moment while being satified where your at at the time.

[Angiemead12]

I know what your going through, I told my therapist and wife that there must be something more than just getting pretty and going out. I think I am starting to look for a purpose now, something with a deeper meaning than just looking pretty and shopping. Yet I still don't know the answer, but I think it would boil down to helping others like us, reaching out and making a difference in our life time.

[CarlaWestin]

I think everything we do is subject to "a path of endless escalation." With any hobby, pastime or driving passion such as cd'ing there's always that boundary to be pushed. My next station on this fascinating train ride is having my SO become my chastity key holder. This ought to be interesting.

[Chickhe]

I think I have the answer. The obsession comes from repression. If you try to deny your thoughts, they come back stronger. If you accept who you are, the obsessive part will go away, but first you also need to explore the activity enough to answer most of your questions. Then, at that point you start asking yourself, what now? You then might still dress, but it is more out of enjoyment or routine and then you can simply stop for a period of time if you want and its not a big deal. That's sort of where I am. I like dressing, it is fun, I don't think of it as big deal, I almost don't care if anyone knows (except to protect my family members) and I'm just about as happy as I have ever been. One thing that did help me (I always had a fear of being in public enfem or not) was to go out in the day time dressed (on my own), but also to come out to anyone who happened to be around me on halloweenn which allowed me to see how little concern they had and it turns out to be a lot of fun. One other thing I did was to never label myself to others and just do it because I could explain it away as an experiment.

[busker]

Cristi, maybe you've just been in the process of "changing uniforms" for 50 years rather than "being". It's like a dog chasing it's tail--the faster it goes the faster the tail goes and it never catches it. It could be that it wasn't meant to be anything more than wearing women's clothes, but you could try going sideways for a while and do things that real women do while dressed. It's that wanting versus having thing. You wanted to dress but in the end there was no reason behind it (maybe). try designing some thing that you would like to wear and can't find in the stores. try cooking? Be the woman that your dressing was meant to express, assuming it wasn't just a sexual thing.
above all, have fun. Life is too short to be down in the dumps.

[SweetIonis]

Food for thought that several threads dedicated to expressing some sort of dissatisfaction with this type of thing have appeared. I especially find the last sentence of the OP pertaining to control to be interesting.

[Kathy4ever]

I think that is your male brain working. In business and in life we usually set goals. Once we meet those goals we set new goals. We are usually wired this way. It might be a learned habit or that is the way men are. I'm not sure. I keep telling my 7 year old to enjoy what he has, because when he is doing something he likes or has wanted to do he is always talking about doing something in the future. Slow down and enjoy what you have and life.

[BLUE ORCHID]

It's only human nature to want to advance.

Orchid

[Valerie1973]

Maybe there is a part of you whereas you are just burned out. I'm only 37 and reached a point to where I too feel burned out. The desire is just not there. I think about it, but it's boring. However, you are right is there a purpose? Could it be just a funk? I'm sure this happens all the time. When the spark comes back, a new avenue must be taken.

[Gillian Gigs]

It could be that a person is never satisified, of it could be that the obsession comes from repression, or it could be something else. I am of the thought that we as individuals have to come to the point where we can accept ourselves, for who we are. I found my balance, and it was about the same time as I started to accept myself. I still do get times of going a little deeper than usual, but I come back to this balance that I now have. I guess that the occasional deeper time reminds we that it does not satisify me more than when I am in my balance. It helps to have an understanding SO. I liked the last paragraph: "And in the end, I am left wondering if I would have been better off having more control, trying to keep myself at a level where even the little things (a pair of panties, or a skirt for a stolen few minutes once a week) would have been better". I try to enjoy the little things in life, and make the most of it. I underdress 24/7, making the most of it, enjoying the lacy and satin with out the hassle of the outer fixings. Only my SO and I know what is under my tee shirt and jeans. That is my balance, and I have comfortably learned to live within my balance. It works for me!

[SweetIonis]

Gilian, that was a nice thoughtful reply. Thanks. I too was drawn to that particular sentence in the OP. Nice to see someone else noticed it also!

[Aprilrain]

Sorry but I have to ask this rather obvious question. What is wrong with normal? By normal do you mean not exciting and CDing is simply a way to get excited? I think your right this definitely does not apply to TG folks for whom like you said dressing in target gender clothing is a step in expressing outwardly the way you feel on the inside. While i can identify with feeling excited about sex as a woman, and having CDing make that more realistic for me I guess i don't get how CDing its self without a sexual component is supposed to be really exciting all the time. I mean its just clothes.

[S. Lisa Smith]

Everyone has raised interesting points. I am in a slightly different position and perhaps that helps me keep up the desire to dress. I don't dress when I can't shave my body. That limits my dressing to when we wear wetsuits to surf. Here in Virginia Beach that's late September until sometime in April. I go on break until then. Come August I am so ready to dress, I can hardly stand it, so by late September I am raring to go.

[Gaby2]

...As a crossdresser for almost 50 years now (!!) I feel like I've been constantly chasing a level of satisfaction that I can never reach, resulting in my always wanting more, then after getting it needing more still...
That's a really intriguing thought, Cristi.

It's only since I live in a context where I can crossdress at will that I'm happy with my CDing.
But it's CDing that has taken on a role in my life rather than it being an element which I can use to attain a certain (unattainable?) "level of satisfaction".
Moreover, I've started to look for opinions about my CDing.

This contrasts with the urge to purge (=wanting or needing less?) which had always confounded me.
That is, until I realised I was only doing this for fear of what others might think.

:rose:Gaby

[Alice Torn]

It has characteristics of addictions. Every high, becomes a new low! Roy Masters addresses this on the radio often. Some wise person also said, Happiness is not having what you want, but wanting what you have." Women have the 'never enough shoes, or clothes " thing. Not all women, though. I only dress once a month or so, even though i now have my own apartment, where, i used to live with other people, and dressed every open hour i could. We, in the U.S, seem afflicted with the more, is never enough syndrome, more than other nations. If i were married, or had a SO, I might be more hot to dress a lot more, but, now alone, i don't seem to want to dress much! If we are entering a Great Depression, we will all need to appreciatte what we have more.

[MaidInCan]

I think that is your male brain working. In business and in life we usually set goals. Once we meet those goals we set new goals. We are usually wired this way. It might be a learned habit or that is the way men are. I'm not sure. I keep telling my 7 year old to enjoy what he has, because when he is doing something he likes or has wanted to do he is always talking about doing something in the future. Slow down and enjoy what you have and life.

How true. We should be thankful for what we have right now or what we have been blessed with over the years. It could all be over in a flash (Japan, Joplin, Miss for example). Achievement is good and having goals can be good but it should not dominate our lives to the exclusion of other things.Keep a balance and you may find that the next thing comes along when you least expect it.

[Tara D. Rose]

I'm the same way, and I have noticed it over the past year. It's the main reason that I purged and totally qiut for 14 years. I learned back in 1997, of this lesoon for which we are speaking. I realised that my corssdressing was getting out of control. I did it on the weekends at our other home 60 miles away. I was the only one that knew this, my wife at that time would have divorced me as a result of it. I needed more and more. And now last April, I told my new wife what I "USED" to do. She was thrilled and intrigued and so here I am. We spent a lot of money to get me here, and now I want more. I did go for a ride last night all dressed up. But ran into a horrilbe thunderstorm and came back home. I felt dissapointed. So this morning I'm back dressed, the more I do, the more I want. I tried to hold it down for a while to please my wife.But now I can't get enough. .......

[docrobbysherry]

Think of it this way Cristi: Life is a journey! The world and ALL OF US, r constantly changing!

The only folks with NO worries, problems, or issues live at Forest Lawn! And, all of us will be there soon enuff.

Value the time u have and make the BEST OF IT!

As for me, I have more outfits, shoes, etc., than I will EVER wear! Yet, I keep buying more! Do I feel guilty? YES!
But, as long as they continue to make me HAPPY, THAT won't stop me!

[Noortje]

Perhaps the issue is that you are a naturally ambitious person, with interests in a field that does not allow eternal growth. Normally, your ambition drives you to become better at what you do, regardless of what it is. A writer will always try to make his next book better than the ones before. A musician will always try a more challenging piece next. A climber will always go for a higher or more difficult mountain.

I too find that when I'm crossdressing, I will have an objective in mind that I'm trying to meet. This time, the mascara will be better. This time, I will go outside. This time, I will find jeans that FIT, dammit! Every time I succeed, I will consider the new state to be the state of the art, and I will identify some new detail that can be tweaked.

It's an issue, and I am afraid I will one day run out of ways to better my crossdressing. Sorry, no solution here. Just sympathy.

[Patricia Jane]

Be happy with what you have achieved! If you feel good about yourself, you have done much. Remember your wife Loves you and accepts you. What more can you want???

[cyd218]

As the great poet Cheryl Crow once wrote ... "It's not getting what you want ... It's wanting what you got." Maybe it's time to sit back and appreciate just how far you've come from those first panties. Maybe in doing that, you'll find some inspiration. I know that's worked for me in the past.

[BillieJoEllen]

That has always been my goal when I CD - to feel normal. As a 60 something TS I would love to feel normal that way also.

[Elsa]

Several comments have touched on it, it is just human nature to go forward. That's what causes progress and evolution. Higher and higher... Our continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before. Live long and prosper Cristi!

[Fab Karen]

If you had put restrictions on yourself years ago, you would have either realized that doesn't work, or lived a miserable life.

[Sue101]

Cristi

This is the problem with a compulsive behavior that delivers a high. Our bodies adjust to the level of enjoyment so there is a need to increase the dosage until you reach the limit. Then what? You are correct if you had limited your usage throughout the years then you could still get high on a lower dosage but then think of all the fun you have had that you would have missed out on.

There is no solution to where you are now except to understand that you need to jump tracks. Instead of using it for enjoyment, use it to feel more complete and satisfied. Understand it is just a regular choice of how you wish to present yourself. If you want to feel excitement then you will have to find another "hobby" to get you going.

[TGMarla]

In the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall, he says when a shark stops swimming forward, it dies. It is natural for us to keep wanting to move forward. I'm always looking for that perfect dress that makes me feel incredible wearing it. But that's an unattainable idea, as each dress is different and offers something unique. But in this pursuit, I've amassed this large wardrobe that should be more than enough. Yet I continue to shop and buy more. That is normal!

Aside from that, I've reached a point where I don't feel the need to push the boundaries a whole lot more. I have a satisfaction level I can live with.

[Cristi]

Than you all. Every reply gave me something to think about and they were all very helpful. I was out of town for a few days and couldn't get online, but have just returned and the first thing I did was check in on this site :)

Several of you have mentioned a way of thinking about this that WAS on my mind when I made the original post, but I forgot to incorporate it into the post. That is the comparison of crossdressing to any other 'addiction'. They have some parallels, the biggest being the fact that just like any addiction you soon 'get used to' a dose of what you are addicted to. Once you do, there are three ways you can go. 1) Continue taking that same dose, but now just to feel NORMAL, 2) lower the dose and have a negative reaction or 3) take a bigger dose to get the 'high' back... but that new dose will soon become the new normal.

That pretty much describes the path I am on. Right now I can do a lot of dressing, several hours per day every day, all night sleeping in nightgowns, underdressed at work... but now this is my 'normal dose'. It doesn't really make me any happier than I used to be on a normal non-dressed day. But if I were to stop, I would feel a negative reaction. I'd be less than normally happy. So to get that 'dressing makes me happy' high again, I have to do more and I'm running out of new things to do without going fulltime or transitioning!

Once again, thank you all for your wonderful thoughtful replies to my original post. It made me happy just to know that you were reading my words and that I'm not alone in some of my issues.

[ReineD]

I've achieved most of these goals and it always ends the same. What is new and exciting quickly becomes 'normal', so off I go looking for the next step.


I know I should be perfectly happy with what I have... and believe me I DO appreciate the things I have, but I guess after 50 years of always moving toward the 'next thing' I feel like I'm kind of stalled now that there IS no next thing.

And in the end, I am left wondering if I would have been better off having more control, trying to keep myself at a level where even the little things (a pair of panties, or a skirt for a stolen few minutes once a week) would have been better.

So, tell me. What's wrong with "normal"? Why must there be a quest for excitement? :)

It is an honest question from my standpoint as a supportive GG who, although I think I understand a CDer's desire to express an innate femininity, I don't understand why there has to be (forgive me if I'm using the wrong word), a high, or a thrill, or whatever is the feeling that takes the experience beyond "normal". This is not a criticism, but rather an attempt to help.

The comparison to an addiction in your last post is an interesting one. I don't by any means think that CDing is an addiction, but if seeking excitement is the drive for dressing, then it might very well be a compulsion more than an innate need to be yourself, and it might be worth your while to look into the different ways that people have of dealing with compulsions.

My understanding of an addiction or compulsion is when a person wants a specific brain receptor to be stimulated over and over, in an attempt to seek a state of euphoria, all while developing a tolerance for the drug or activity of choice.

Dopamine is the central neurochemical that activates the reward/pleasure circuitry in the brain, and this is what drives nearly all of our behaviors. Dopamine, the "gimme more" neurotransmitter, creates desire. It is a necessary chemical that helps the brain learn new information, but if it is stimulated to excess it is the one factor that all addictive substances ans behaviors have in common. Overuse of the Dopamine reward system actually causes addictions/compulsions. The brain's ability to produce normal levels of Dopamine is damaged when Dopamine levels are continually raised to extremes, and normal highs no longer feel like anything.

Often with compulsions, there will be cross-compulsive behaviors such as excessive shopping, eating, sex, or alcohol use, and in the opposite direction, even compulsive exercising, or workaholism, or excessive computer use. In other words, if you've noticed that during the times when you could not CD, you engaged in excessive behaviors elsewhere that also increase the dopamine levels in your brain, it is an indication you might want to look seriously about ways to change how you look at the CDing.

I'm not saying you should stop. There are people who are compulsive over-eaters for example who do manage to get it under control, and they cannot obviously stop eating entirely. But, they do need to stop "using" the food a certain way.

[LilSissyStevie]

My motto is - Anything worth doing is worth doing to excess!

[Loretta]

Cristi,
What you are describing is ego, it is never satisfied and always wants more, more, more. Take a step aside from that part of your mind and observe it's behavior. Where you go from here is to better understand yourself and your motivations. Once you truly understand, the craving will stop and you can enjoy peace of mind again. Look up an author called "Eckhart Tolle" on Amazon and buy any of his books. He is a bit off the wall at first, but by reading, you will truly understand yourself better and the drive for more, more, more will cease...and it has to cease, because as you pointed out, where do you go from here?

Purge? It's really the only thing I can think of.
After purging, wait around 6 months to start collecting again. It's costly, but it allows you the opportunity to find a new wardrobe, new styles, etc. Or you could just not dress as often.

[josee]

Perhaps the next step would be to go to a wider audience. Offer yourself to speak at colleges or corporate diversity training programs. You could gain a higher level of acceptance for us all by showing that we're not all a bunch of creeps. You could present a normal everyday image of a happy well adjusted guy who happens to enjoy or feel comfortable wearing typicaly feminine clothing. Perhaps this is your higher calling?

[t-girlxsophie]

whats wrong with Normal.I'm in a very happy place with my Crossdressing,and that means every day I dress is a special,but normal day

Sophie

[Nicole Erin]

Yeah transsexuals are the same way. A new "new" becomes the norm. right now I am at a place where I would like to have larger breasts and a trimmer midsection. But even if I got that, what would I need next?

See the thing about human nature is - we have wants and needs. Once we acquire a want or need, it is no longer something to look forward to. Once "there" becomes "here", we just seek a new "there".

I tell ya this - CD's might envy TS who live full time. I know like for me I could dress however I want, whenever. PAss or not it doesn't matter as far as "going out en femme" matters. While it is nice to feel pretty once in a while (or looking over my shoulder, depending on my confidence that day) but either way it is no rush. Unless I am wearing a new outfit :D

Best thing you can really do in life is enjoy the journey instead of overly obsessing over what you don't have or maybe cannot do. If you let "I am not "there" yet" hold you back, you will never have a chance to live.