More anxiety since coming out to SO

[jackie_p]

As I posted here back in 2009, I told my wife about Jackie after 26 years of marriage. The good news is that we are still happily married. I won't say it has always been smooth, but we have compromised. I do my own thing, she leaves it alone as long as she doesn't have to see it.

Here is my problem. I used to worry about someone finding out about my alter ego. Now, in addition to that, I constantly worry about how she is perceiving things. For instance, we were recently on vacation and I made some comments about how some ladies were dressed. Then I stopped abruptly because I didn't want to "stir things up" in her mind. Another day she went to the spa on the cruise ship and one of my daughters suggested that I get a pedicure. I declined because I didn't want to seem too eager.

So the question is, has anyone else experienced this and will I ever be able to be comfortable in my own head? The constant churning in my head, I swear, is going to drive me crazy....crazier:heehee:

[Eryn]

It distresses me to see this sort of DADT relationship. I understand that for some it is the best situation that some CDers can achieve, but it really speaks of a wife who is insensitive to the happiness of her spouse.

Perhaps things actually need to be stirred up in her mind. Sit down with her and tell her that this is bothering you. Perhaps you can come to a better understanding for the benefit of both of you.

[Debb]

No solutions ... just commiseration. I have much the same problem; most of the time, I'm convinced it's just me, that the wife isn't all that uptight about it. Most of the time, being convinced doesn't help one little bit. :(

[JustWendy]

she leaves it alone as long as she doesn't have to see it.

Sounds like your wife set the ground rules 2 years ago, and you sense that her not wanting to see "it" includes "it" seeping into your male presentation. That's why you are so uneasy about seeming the least bit girlie in male mode. If she hasn't approached the subject again since your original discussion, your feelings that her attitude hasn't softened are probably on target. You may be at a point where you need to reopen the discussion, but be prepared for the same answer.

Wendy

[jackie_p]

Sounds like your wife set the ground rules 2 years ago, and you sense that her not wanting to see "it" includes "it" seeping into your male presentation. That's why you are so uneasy about seeming the least bit girlie in male mode. If she hasn't approached the subject again since your original discussion, your feelings that her attitude hasn't softened are probably on target. You may be at a point where you need to reopen the discussion, but be prepared for the same answer.

Wendy

I would say that our decision was mutual for a variety of reasons. She was marginally accepting for her own part. The problem is that I don't
know how she would react if I was to bring it up more since I'm always second and third guessing everything. I told her early on that I feel
better when we discuss it, but she never offers up the opportunity so I'm always left wondering if or when is a good time and how she will
take it!

[prettytoes]

I have been married to my wife for 27 years. She just found out a few months ago about my desires to dress (she found my stash of clothes). She has requested some boundries, but she also is pretty understanding to my needs, and wants me to be happy. She can see how much happier I have been lately, and I have been sleeping better at night. I wear panties pretty much 24/7, paint my toenails, and sleep in nighties. I also put all my feminine clothing in the wash, which she does. I only wear skirts in the early morning when I watch the news and enjoy my coffee, or when she is not home (one of her boundries). At this point, I do not use makeup...maybe just a little eyeshadow once in a while. She gave me a hanger for skirts so they would be neater in the closet. I do not hide anything anymore, but I do not parade it around in front of her either. I don't talk about it too often, but we do once in a while. Usually I bring it up with a little joke about it to start things off. It helps to talk about it, and I make sure she knows that I am still her man, and I have no desire to change that. Our relationship, and my life in general (all aspects) have been much better since she found out. I hope it all works out for you! Let her know that it is something that will not go away, and that it really makes you feel complete. I also bought her the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes". I read it as well. It is very insightful and does a good job of explaining the need for us to crossdress. Good luck!

[Rachel Mari]

I too have had that feeling of not doing something because I don't want to appear too excited about it. For example, my wife kind of half thought of having a red dress party where everyone would be in a red dress. I didn't say much of anything at the time and I still regret not jumping at the chance to have that party.
I tried to bring it up again but things aren't going so well with me and my wife right now and it didn't go anywhere.

The "churning" in my head has gotten better now that I'm seeing a therapist, but there is still a lot of accepting for me to do of myself.

[Eryn]

I would say that our decision was mutual for a variety of reasons. She was marginally accepting for her own part. The problem is that I don't
know how she would react if I was to bring it up more since I'm always second and third guessing everything. I told her early on that I feel
better when we discuss it, but she never offers up the opportunity so I'm always left wondering if or when is a good time and how she will
take it!

It's a bit of a vicious circle. You don't bring it up because you don't want to rock the boat and she won't bring it up because she's hoping everything is OK. Therefore it festers and becomes a bigger problem, at least for you.

So is everything OK? It doesn't seem so. You're experiencing stress and frustration. It's typically male to be stoic, but you and I know how much we hurt inside. Your wife probably senses it, but doesn't know exactly what the source of the stress is or how to address it.

Everybody changes, and it is unrealistic to expect you (or your spouse) to be exactly the same as you were several years ago. The same applies to your relationship. Being afraid to talk about something means that a problem exists and needs to be addressed. In this situation it's pretty much up to you to initiate the discussion.

The good news is that problems like this are seldom as huge as we imagine them to be. You said that your wife was "marginally accepting" when you first talked about this and you both have accumulated experience since then. You're not revealing any major new topics.

Think about it, wouldn't you like to come to an understanding that allows you to enjoy sharing an innocuous comment about a piece of clothing with your wife? That is what is within your reach if you give your wife a chance to discuss the situation with you. A better understanding will also give your wife a husband who is less stressed and a better communicator. It's a win-win situation.

[Momarie]

"It distresses me to see this sort of DADT relationship. I understand that for some it is the best situation that some CDers can achieve, but it really speaks of a wife who is insensitive to the happiness of her spouse".

Good Lord, that was a pretty big leap to make....and quite assuming in accusing a spouse of being insensitive, not what I read from the thread at all.

"Perhaps" some should not transfer their "stress and frustration" etc, onto others.

[Eryn]

Momarie, if my wife is experiencing distress I certainly want to know about it and would try my best to understand it. That's what being a spouse is all about. I would never tell my spouse "I don't want to hear about that." That would be insensitive.

I invite you to read my post #8 above. Is it unreasonable to encourage communication between spouses?

[jackie_p]

Eryn, I think you are correct that communication is important. The problem I have is me. I'm so used to hiding
that I don't know how to not hide. I'm so used to being afraid of discovery, I don't know how to not be afraid.
I can't get the conversation started to really find out how she will react. She has made a comment now and
then but nothing significant. So as I said, I'm left with the endless dialog and indecision in my own head. I was
just hoping that someone else has been through this and could offer some ideas on getting over my own insecurities
so we can better address hers.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Jackie, No one ever said that being a lady was going to be easy.

Same here it,s a D.A.D.T thing for almost 48 years if it works don't try to fix it.

Orchid

[Marie-Elise]

Eryn, I think you are correct that communication is important. The problem I have is me. I'm so used to hiding
that I don't know how to not hide. I'm so used to being afraid of discovery, I don't know how to not be afraid.
I can't get the conversation started to really find out how she will react. She has made a comment now and
then but nothing significant. So as I said, I'm left with the endless dialog and indecision in my own head. I was
just hoping that someone else has been through this and could offer some ideas on getting over my own insecurities
so we can better address hers.

I know the feeling exactly. I used to go through head trips exactly as you are describing.

My advice: Cowboy up and do what you want. She will let you know if she is uncomfortable with it. Then, the onus will be on you to decide how to resolve it. You may want to figure out ahead of time how you intend to handle the various ways she could react. The bottom line is that at some point, you have to decide who you are and how to handle each person that has an issue with it.

In my case, I have decided my wife means the most to me of anyone and there should be no secrets between us. If I do something with which she is uncomfortable, I will seriously consider and probably modify my behavior. Everyone else falls somewhere in the scale of "You have a problem and I don;t have time to deal with it" to "Let me try to make you understand". Most folks fall somewhere in between.

[Eryn]

Eryn, I think you are correct that communication is important. The problem I have is me. I'm so used to hiding that I don't know how to not hide. I'm so used to being afraid of discovery, I don't know how to not be afraid.
I can't get the conversation started to really find out how she will react. She has made a comment now and then but nothing significant. So as I said, I'm left with the endless dialog and indecision in my own head. I was just hoping that someone else has been through this and could offer some ideas on getting over my own insecurities so we can better address hers.

I know exactly how you feel because I've been in the exact same position. My wife of 20 years didn't know. I was scared to death of losing her, but at the same time I was screwing myself up and being a poor husband because of my own internal turmoil. It was not going to end well if I kept going that way.

How did I get over my insecurities? I didn't. I resolved to tell her several times and chickened out each time. Finally, I managed to get part of it out. That was the turning point and from that point on I learned to trust my wife more and now we can talk freely about it.

I'm going to do a little tough love here. There is no easy way, no magic technique, for opening this dialog. You need to pick an occasion where you have some time to talk, sit down with her, and say "I have something that is really bothering me that I want to talk to you about." Then talk about it. If her love for you is more than superficial (and I'm certain that it is) then you will be on your way.

[steph1964]

Jackie, I could have written your post!

I told my wife 17 years ago and I found it so difficult to talk to her, that we ended up with a DADT relationship. I talked to her again in April, after joining this forum. Even since April, I found it extremely difficult to bring up in conversation and would take days to get up the nerve to bring it up. I still feel stressed when I talk about it, and during the couple of times she has seen me dressed. If I perceive that she is unhappy about it, then I feel guilty. This makes her unhappy that she caused me to feel guilty, and the downward spiral continues. My wife has told me that I need to not worry so much about what she is thinking, and that she will sometimes be sad, but that is OK. I still have a hard time accepting that I am the cause of her sadness.

I have started seeing a counselor and she told me the same thing. She said that anxiety is caused by us worrying about what the other person is thinking. As hard as it may be, she said that I need to worry about my emotions, and allow my wife to handle her own emotions. This is still a work in progress.

One thing that I have forced myself to do was to bring it up during normal conversation. It was very difficult at first but it is getting a little easier. I hope that she will tell me when it is too much. It hasn’t been easy for her but she has joined the forum and has been very supportive. She is responding to this post so you will also get her perspective, which I hope is not completely different than mine.:)

[angies GG]

Hmmm. This situations sounds very familiar. My hubby told me about his desire to dress many years ago. We have had a DADT policy for most of our marriage. He recently came to me and said it isnt going to go away and he needs to be able to accept it. He asked for my support and said he would try to answer all questions I had but let me know he didn't have all the answers since he had so many questions himself. When he recently told me this (April) things were pretty stressful. I did want to support him but I felt I needed to get some stuff in order to be able to be there for him. I said I would like a month to think about it and get my stuff together. A month passed and for the last month we have been dealing with it. I joined this site and FAB. It has been somewhat helpful, but sometimes made me more fearful than ever.

One main fear that many wives have is that their husband will want to transistion or might be gay. And although my husband reassured me over and over again and has given no indication otherwise, the many posts about transitioning and hormones was VERY SCARY to me. That led to many more conversations filled with tears etc. I did get some reassurance from other CDers who just had the interest in dressing etc. that there are many who don't want to transition etc. I did take a bit of a break from the site and have been feeling a little better in just trusting my husband of 22years and knowing that I do know the "real" him. He has been very careful in trying to let me take the lead and set the pace and avoid the pink fog. Occasionally he gets a little ahead of me, but slows down if I tell him its too fast.

One thing I noticed is that you said you have been happily married for 26 years. I think that speaks volumes. I'm sure that you have probably always been supportive of your wife (my hubby has been) which really made me want to support him. We still feel uncomfortable with it but have made great progress to at least accepting that we have to live with it etc. The one thing I know for sure is that I want to grow old together and reamain in my very happy marriage. The stress of CDing and guilt and shame that go with it has really put my husbands health at risk, that could prevent us from growing old together, not a risk I'm willing to take.

The other thing you said is about her thinking about what you are thinking in your head. I can also relate to that. Recently I did get a pedi with my hubby. I wanted to think he was my manly hubby enjoying a pedi, and although he didn't get his toenails painted, he was thinking about how wonderful it was and what it might be like to have pretty toes and feeling more female that I would have liked. I did go shopping with him and picked out a few outfits. We are similar size and so I tried them on and made the size adjustments necessary. It was my suggestion to go shopping. Afterwards we came home and I did his makeup and we drank wine (which did relieve some of the stress and discomfort). For me, I feel like I would be left out of part of his life if I didn't try to be involved with that part of it. He has dressed & make up a few more times when he had the house to himself, but I did know about it. Today I warned him I was coming home soon and he was in the middle of a project, I said there was no hurry for him to get cleaned up and so I did come home to his female self. He got cleaned up shortly after I got home. I am tired of secrets and want to be involved even though I don't like it at all. I would rather work on accepting that part of him than have him on his own keeping secrets and feeling stressed.

Good luck to you both. You need to talk to her again, but just be there for her. She may need more time, but maybe after you tell her you can set a date to talk about it in the future just in case it doesn't come up naturally. It's a very rough road, one that will certainly take time to come to terms with, we still aren't there, but my LOVE for him and each other will be there to get us through this.

[Kerigirl2009]

I KNOW exactly what you mean. I feel the exact same way. Now that she knows I cannot make the same comments I used too. Atleast with the feeling of her thinking OMG he is such a girl. Now the comments are the exact opposite, I say stuff like my MANLY deed is done for the day. I do believe though that it is mostly in my own head unless I do something blatently obvious such as grab a top and hold it up to myself or pluck my eyebrows. That sort of thing. You know all the things I used to do before I told my wife. SO YEAH I know what you mean and I too wish that I could just be myself without worrying about what she is thinking all the time.

[Shelly67]

Some answears can never be found easily .Our worry certainly blurs clear reality . thats a result of REAL care .
I think the after shock of coming out to a partner has many vibrations . We pick up vibes from our loved ones , and readily move foward to ease any tensions in everyday life . BUT in this instance I imagine you are BOTH feeling the pressure at the moment . I applaud you wishing to settle each others minds , but I'd also like to pass on a word of experience and caution . I truely hope this doesn't come across in anyway as patronising , but having been in the position you are now in I feel for you both and only wish to point out the obvious . So , firstly try not to let it become the elephant in the room , in a manner I suspect all outed crossdressers slowly descend into .We pick up on each others moods after spending so many years together . But this time , well it's a total new hill to climb . In other words , why not ask for a small chat - but make it small . Small steps always eventually give way to a long journey .
If after coming out with no or little conflicting arguments , we often take the ball and run a bloody marathon with it in glee . We then worry we've gone too far leaving all behind . There really is only one answear , TALK , but only if she WANTS to . Don't push any issues ,ask her firstly just how she feels , is she uncomfortable , or uneasy .More importantly if the communication lines do open , LISTEN to your partners input . I suggest trying this in a neutral setting , keep it light , keep the beverages non alcoholic . If the situation gets too sensitive , back the way off ...... keep it light hearted for you both .
It must be so hard on our partners sometimes , but together with sincere loving support and a considerate open communication most problems can be breeched . And I include all those worries of losing our manliness . I'll even wager that our personalities have held a certain trait that attracted our partners in the first place . Our loved ones know far more about us than we'll ever realise . give time a chance , then if the subject ( ie eyebrows or similar ) comes up , then just be honest . Its all you can do really .
As we grow old in life , sometimes we can't see the wood for the trees , those little hills become mountains . But , there's one thing I know , together any problem can be levelled in a loving partnership , and sometimes when we look back as time passes those worries and frowns become understandable but a little senseless in memory . Sometimes those worries can become humourous when looked back on .
One thing to remember - congratulate yourselves for each little step you take in addressing this matter . Make sure that is relayed to your partner .....
I'm sure ( this is meant with absolutely no patronisim ) deep down perhaps you know all this ( or similar ) already ........
all the very best of luck .....
Shelly x