Is it feasable to look for long term relationships before going full time?

[Amber99]

So I have never dated before. I'm a 23 year old MtF, 4 months on HRT and I'm starting to feel really loney. I'm really nowhere near being ready to go full time and its really stopping me from trying to start a relationship, although I do want one. I don't care about sex currently, I just want the companionship right now. Oh yeah I'm only attracted to girls, I don't know if that changes anything lol. So is it feasable to look for long term relationships before going full time? I have seen other people on here talking about their GF or BF supporting them in their early transition and it just blows my mind, although I'm super shy and have little confidence.

[Frances]

If you are upfront about yourself, you could find someone would love you and support you through your transition. You would be surprised by how many women like gender variance. A lot of older transitioners are in relationships where the gender issue was not on the table from the start with and their wives/girlfriends are now dealing with being in a lesbian relationship unwillingly. If you look androgynous, as you probably do, you will not be able to hide your condition, and will have to be honest with people you meet, which is a plus actually in the long run.

[Joanna41]

It is never not feasible to look for a long term relationship. You need to remember and stay committed to what kind of person you are looking for. If you search sites that are cd/tg friendly you may have some luck and if not I'm sure you will come across many who will be supportive of you. It's hard enough finding that special someone without being TG...so by all means get out there and look! You will find some amazing people!

Joanna

[Sandra]

If you are honest when you meet that person then maybe...but remember as you change then the relationship may change, so you can't really say whether it will be a long term relationship, does that make sense? I know what I'n trying to say just can't get it written down :doh:

I have been married to Nigella for 24 years this year, at first she identified as a cder but as time went on we realised that she was TS and she is now on hormones, as far as I'm concerned I am here for the long term...but who can say what might happen.

[CharleneT]

Feasable ? SURE !

Difficult ? Indeed ;)

It's all in the stars and what you put into the relationship. I agree with Frances that when younger it is probably easier than older.

[Aprilrain]

Since your M2F and interested in girls we'll say your a lesbian. I think what others have said is true you may find a girl that is tolerant of the changes that will take place in you. 4 months on HRT? thats right about when my female libido came, I had lost the male libido but started getting really horny as a girl lol which definitely looks a lot more like a NEED for companionship and intimacy not to mention validation. Not sure if lesbians feel the same way but I know several hetero girls and we all seem to feel that having a man validates us in some way. : (

[Jorja]

Is it feasable? Yes. Is it difficult? Yes.
I was married to a woman before transition. I was also in a relationship with a man before, during, and well after transition. I ended up marrying a wonderful man after I had GRS. I got to spent 15 amazing years with him until he passed away a couple of years ago.

One never knows what the future holds for them. If you take no risk in life, your life will be very boring. You will never answer that nagging question, "what if"? I think you need to go out into this world and live your life to the fullest no matter if you are a male or female or someplace in between.

[Bree-asaurus]

Be open to a relationship. It may be hard if you are TRYING to find one... but sometimes they just appear out of nowhere. I was pretty much swearing off a relationship until after I transition. Then I fell in love with someone who was just a friend.

[Melody Moore]

Feasable ? SURE !

Difficult ? Indeed ;)

I have to really agree with Charlene here.

Now while feeling lonely is not a very nice feeling, being on your own can really have a lot of benefits.

First of all being single teaches you to be a lot stronger & more independent, which are extremely valuable
skills for getting through life. Being in a relationship means then you have to also take responsibility for
someone else. Dealing with transition is hard enough, but add to this a complex & difficult relationship then
you are dealing with a lot of undue stress & crap that you really don't need in your life. Finding the ideal
partner is difficult, so while you are seeking out relationships you are putting yourself on to one of the
wildest roller coaster rides. And personally I would not be 'looking for, or seeking a relationship'. I have
seen many lonely people in my life end up in a bad relationship with the wrong person purely over the
loneliness. These people were so desperate for company they hooked up with some 'dick' they would
normally not want to be with. And don't worry I have been one of those 'dicks' who ended up with the
wrong woman.

When I transitioned, I had been apart from my ex-girlfriend for 3 months, but then after I transitioned I
got in touch with her, then we finished up back together, but this time she seen me as a woman & not
a male. But that too had its problems because she was so worried about what her family was going to
think her being in a lesbian relationship with a transsexual female. Another thing I noticed is that while I
was with my girlfriend I never had any money & was always broke. When I became single I was able to
budget my money better & save a little bit, which is vitally important when you are transitioning. I know
it sounds selfish, but I had to think about my own needs as well instead of putting other people's needs
before my own. Transitioning is expensive business, everything cost money & women's beauty products,
clothing & shoes etc., are usually very expensive & then there are all your medications & surgery to think
about. I feel that if I was in a relationship this would certainly make my transition a lot more difficult to
complete.

At this point of time its early into your transition & you are young, so you have plenty of time yet to find
the right person. So I urge you to rethink your current ideas about having relationship. Because you are
in the early stages of transition you will be experiencing new emotions & changes happening all around you.

Like you I was only ever attracted to girls, but here I am 12 months after starting hormones now questioning
whether of not a relationship with another female will fulfil all my needs. I am a fussy b!tch with who I have
a relationship with, and more so when it comes to guys because there are so many 'arseholes' out there &
just like you, I know what men can be like. But I am just going to be patient & wait until Mr or Mrs Right comes
along. But I am not going to allow myself get that thirsty where I become desperate & start chasing mirages or
illusions in people who I think are right for me, because then I know my judgement couldn't be trusted & I would
end up with the wrong person for sure!

So here is what I have done to avoid loneliness. First of all I joined as many social groups so I could meet new
people & make new friends while also increasing my support network. I also joined my local LGBT organisation
because it is here you are more likely to find a bisexual or a lesbian woman who is prepared to accept gender
variance. But I didn't just join these groups then start hitting on women. Because if you do that then you won't
really be accepted by your local lesbian community. The reason being that as a MtF Transsexual there is a huge
risk that the other women might just see you as a 'man in a dress' if you are too pushy & seem too desperate.

So my tactic is to just become another member of the community, take my time getting to know everyone, sussing
out who to stay away from because usually in any LGBT community there are a few people you might avoid as well.
It has been nearly a year now since I joined my local community but I feel I have benefited a lot more by not seeking
out a relationship & have built the foundation of solid friendships with most of the LGBT community. Now I have a few
girls who are flirting with me & inviting me out for other private social events. This way I haven't sacrificed anything
unnecessarily about myself, or shown myself to be in anyway vulnerable & insecure. The lesbian girls in my group now
really respect me & treat me as one of their own. I found out a couple of weeks ago that my girlfriends will actually
stand up & fight for me in the street if they felt there is a need to do so.

So at the end of the day I don't feel lonely, I know I have a whole group of women out there now who really do love me
and who I can call upon to have a cuppa & a chat with. The girls now in my life take a genuine interest in me & are really
fascinated with all that I have been through - this is something I have never experienced ever before in my life, but it was
something I know that I found by being strong & maintaining my independence while respecting everyone else around me.
Now I feel I am in a better place within myself & with the new group of friends I have where the climate is a lot better &
a lot more favourable to meeting that special person. But I am not keen to rush into anything & lose myself by sacrificing
myself to someone else. If I didn't have such a long & difficult journey still in front of me, I might be more tempted to throw'
caution to the wind & jump with both feet first into the deep-end of an intimate relationship. But I am not kidding myself &
know I have some huge hurdles to still overcome & one of those issues is my sexual orientations which I am questioning more
& more now.

As Bree just said, sometimes relationships just appear out of nowhere & these are usually the best ones
because neither person is that emotionally insecure that they are out there TRYING to find a relationship.

[Dawn cd]

Everyone needs someone, and the transitioning process makes us feel that need ever more sharply. Presumably you have a therapist. You might also look for a support group. In that group you might find a special friend. It doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, but it needs to be deep and personal. This whole gender thing we're involved with colors the way we relate to others, and we need other people in order to work it out.

Unlike Melody I don't speak from transition experience. I will never transition, but I do have many years of living. We need other people, dear Amber, and I bless you on your way.

[Hope]

I have to agree with Charlene. Not that is unusual, but she put it very clearly.

Feasible: SURE!

Difficult ? Indeed!

I want to add just one thing to that:

Finding a long term relationship is ALWAYS difficult. Dating is a mixed bag at best in which you will go on any number of horrible dates, accompanied by any number of delightful dates. You will be interested in seeing some folks again, and some folks will be interested in seeing you again. Those two groups are not necessarily mutually inclusive. But when they are - it is worth the effort.

Dating, like everything, takes practice. If you are 23 and you have never been out on a date - time is burning. Ask girls out. Go out - have fun. Don't put all sorts of pressure on the need to make every date turn into a long-term relationship. Don't insist on dating the one perfect girl and making your relationship with her work at all costs. Date LOTS of people. See which ones are right. My wife is absolutely perfect for me in bloody near every possible way - but I never would have expected it when we first met. It took a few dates before I really started to see exactly how much better she was than all of the other girls I had ever even contemplated dating. Dating is a lot like buying new clothes. You will be surprised how often something that looks like crud on the hanger looks fabulous on you.

Above all - go out - have fun, and keep away from the pressure of "This must be a permanent relationship!" It will happen when you are ready. Honestly - the fact that you are not interested in guys is a HUGE benefit in this situation. But you have to go out. A lot. You may need to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a princess - but that is how dating works.

[Amber99]

Thanks for all the responses, I really appreciate the advice!

[Jay Cee]

I'd work on the shyness / little confidence first, Amber. How do you do that? Get out there and meet people. Make friends. Join clubs. Like others have mentioned, you can sometimes find relationships without even trying.

[Aprilrain]

Honestly - the fact that you are not interested in guys is a HUGE benefit in this situation.

How is this a "huge benefit"? I've talked to several guys who have lived with TS girls during their transition. If any thing its riskier for the guy because often times these girls leave them to sew their wild oats as soon as they've had surgery which in two cases i can think of the guy payed for! The flip side is that how many of us get divorced from wives who run screaming in the other direction when they find out we want to be girls. Personally I think its harder to find a girlfriend than a boyfriend. Boys are more aggressive and they are taught to go out and initiate meeting girls so they usually come to you. Of course I've never dated a lesbian and i don't know the dynamic may be different then your typical hetero relationship. One thing is for sure, Amber, your probably going to want to look for girls who like girls. I know of two TSes who met their wives before transition explained that they would be transitioning and their partner was cool with that however the one is now divorced but has a GF the other seems to be happily married. My wife would have stayed with me but i think her reasons were more because we have kids and she didn't want to disrupt their lives anymore than was going to happen. The only problem I had with my wife was that she was not a boy ; )

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are behind the eight ball...sorry if that sounds harsh, but if you are transsexual, this is how it is..

first off, your sexuality will be fluid. if you are transsexual, and living as a guy, you literally do not know what you are gonna like..no matter what you protest now, it may be guys it may be girls...it may change, it may not change..you just don't know...

second off, unless your partner wants you to be female, and is ok with whatever funtioning parts you have, and is ok with you totally changing the way you look over time...you get the picture..your partner will need to be very special..friends are companions, relationships are companions and lovers ..lovers like what they like

and finally, the biggest problem, similar to your sexuality...you can't control how your partner will really react as you change...some like to argue we all change all the time..
but i'd respond that the way people change breaks up many relationships/marraiges.... even silly things like changing hair style, getting a new set of friends with different interests, etcetcetc can break you up, and this is pretty big fricking change you will go through..relationships are hugely challenged by this..

the only way to find out is to do it... in my world as a transitioned transsexual, i havent faced the idea of seriously dating a guy, and having him realize my secret...i've frankly avoided relationships because of it...i hope you don't do the same thing...i'm middle aged...you are young and have everything in front of you..

i don't know where you are in how you view your transness, but if you truly are not interested in relationships, then you are well served in working on your transness in the meantime...the further along you get, the better and less complicated your relationships will be.

[Jessinthesprings]

it complicates things for sure, but You cannot enter into a long term relationship with out being honest. If you are letting her belive you are a man you are lying to her. However, on short term I really don't think there is nothing wrong with a date or two. if it gets to the point where one of you want more then honesty is required... and yes you will likely be rejected, but you may be suprised.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Babe, let me tell you, minus the HRT sounds like me. I have been living full time for about 4 months, but prior I wasn't even out. I met my current girlfriend as a guy. I came out to her 2 months into our relationship and things are just fine. Given, she hadn't experienced much of the world, our relationship still hasn't changed. Of course this opens doors to confusion on her end, and questions like "am i a lesbian?" pop up. But it is possible. The key is not making being TS who you are but a part of you. If you find someone you like, ease her into it. Remember, you're a girl, you have always been a girl, someone just fell asleep on the assembly line. Keep your head up and find someone who is into you for you

[Melody Moore]

Of course this opens doors to confusion on her end, and questions like "am i a lesbian?" pop up.
And that is one of the greatest problems in a TS relationship - many transsexuals who transition forget that their
partners also have to go through their own transition sexually & socially. I spilt up with my ex-gf 3 months prior
to transitioning, then ironically I got back together with her a couple of months after I transitioned. She accepted
me as a female, we had a relationship because she still had strong feelings for me, but the issue about me now as
a woman slowly became more of an issue to her. It was obvious to me that she repressed her bisexuality, but then
she realised to continue a relationship with me meant that she was now in a 'lesbian relationship' with me & that
was something she was not prepared to accept - she was worried about what her family & friends might think.

I tried to point out to her that society was a lot more accepting today of lesbian relationships, but in her mind she
couldn't accept that - to expect her to accept it would have been extremely cruel & selfish on my part. So I let her go.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

And that is one of the greatest problems in any relationship - many transsexuals who transition forget that their
partners also have to go through their own transition sexually & socially. I spilt up with my ex-gf 3 months prior
to transitioning, then ironically I got back together with her a couple of months after I transitioned. She accepted
me as a female, we had a relationship because she still had strong feelings for me, but the issue about me now as
a woman slowly became more of an issue to her. It was obvious to me that she repressed her bisexuality, but then
she realised to continue a relationship with me meant that she was now in a 'lesbian relationship' with me & that
was something she was not prepared to accept - she was worried about what her family & friends might think.

I tried to point out to her that society was a lot more accepting today of lesbian relationships, but in her mind she
couldn't accept that - to expect her to accept it would have been extremely cruel & selfish on my part. So I let her go.


Oh absolutely. She has to transition in a way as well. If she is to be with you, she will have to go through a lot of sexuality issues..possibly. But it can also be a good test of her compatibility with you in the long run.

[Amber99]

And that is one of the greatest problems in a TS relationship - many transsexuals who transition forget that their
partners also have to go through their own transition sexually & socially.

That's what has held me back until now. I always think that its too selfish of me to put somebody else through my transition with me despite how much I want it, but I'm also trying to let myself be a little selfish recently because I have spent my whole life hiding for everyone else's benefit.

[Schatten Lupus]

It is very much feasible. You may have a harder time finding even a date, but on the plus side you have a sort of filter working for you and should you find someone there should be, theoretically at least, a much better chance that person will be more tolerant, accepting, and love you for who you are.

[Hope]

That's what has held me back until now. I always think that its too selfish of me to put somebody else through my transition with me despite how much I want it, but I'm also trying to let myself be a little selfish recently because I have spent my whole life hiding for everyone else's benefit.

Selfish is deciding for other people what they can and can't handle.

Go out, date, be honest. If someone is up for the challenge in exchange for getting to be with you - you should be willing to give them the opportunity. But if you don't go out - you will never know.

[Andrea85]

It is very much feasible. You may have a harder time finding even a date, but on the plus side you have a sort of filter working for you and should you find someone there should be, theoretically at least, a much better chance that person will be more tolerant, accepting, and love you for who you are.

That's the truth. Everyone I've dated, then told have run off because they couldn't handle it. Now that I'm totally out, it does make dating a hell of a lot harder, but brings out the better ones.

[prene]

So I have never dated before. I'm a 23 year old MtF, 4 months on HRT and I'm starting to feel really loney. I'm really nowhere near being ready to go full time and its really stopping me from trying to start a relationship, although I do want one. I don't care about sex currently, I just want the companionship right now. Oh yeah I'm only attracted to girls, I don't know if that changes anything lol. So is it feasable to look for long term relationships before going full time? I have seen other people on here talking about their GF or BF supporting them in their early transition and it just blows my mind, although I'm super shy and have little confidence.

Lot of good questions.
I have had a few gf who broke up with me soon after I came out that I like to cd.
I agree with you I am not really intrested in guys but have thought about it if I did transition.
I do have a therapist who I talk to ... she tells me to take it slow.

But sometimes I just wish I could take a 24 hr pill to see if it was really for me.

I have come out to a few friends ... did it on Halloween . . . Halloween is always an easy time to dress. lol even wild. lol

Good luck

[Melody Moore]

That's what has held me back until now. I always think that its too selfish of me to put somebody else through my transition with me despite how much I want it, but I'm also trying to let myself be a little selfish recently because I have spent my whole life hiding for everyone else's benefit.
If this is what you need to do in order to be happy & find peace in your life, then this is exactly what you need to do.

My personal belief is that if we can tune in & really learn to listen to our hearts it will guide us safely though life.
The head can be dangerous place to be 100% of the time, because it is here that things can get so overworked
& wound up that you don't know which way is up or down. So it is important to clear you mind clear & keep it
uncluttered with garbage. And if you know that something or someone is no good for you then get rid of the
problem, move on without ever bothering to look back. Faith will carry you though if you can always hang on
to it and there is never anything selfish or bad about looking out and doing what is right with your own soul. ;)