Long ago, I wanted to BE a woman . . . .

[Anne2345]

(Preface: I have thought long and hard about whether to write and submit this post. My thoughts keep coming back to it, so I suppose that means I want to and therefore should. Anyways, I hope you appreciate that this requires me to open up my heart, and discuss a very difficult and lonely part of my past and history. Thanks for listening.)


The more I participate on this forum, and the more I read of other members’ experiences, the more I remember from my younger days. I have alluded to the fact here and there, without going into any specifics, that I have had serious difficulties in the past accepting who and what I am.

Not surprisingly, as it is for many, the most difficult periods I experienced were during my teenage years, and my early 20s. I was confused and tormented by my thoughts, desires, and needs.

Although I did well in high school, I did not like high school. I knew I was very much different than all the other guys. I did, however, excel in athletics. This in and of itself would have given me a free pass into the higher ranks of high school society, but it was not for me. In fact, I despised much of what went on socially in high school. Also, I never dated, or went to a school dance. I was too confused and socially awkward. I liked girls. I had my fair share of intense crushes on girls in my school. But I also actually wanted to be a girl.

Back in the day, several lifetimes ago, the internet as we know it was still but a spark in some programmer’s imagination. Resources such as this forum were virtually non-existent. Crossdressing and alternative lifestyles were completely taboo. Any lifestyle that deviated from the norm was ostracized, outcast, and sent to social Siberia.

I was a crossdresser. I did not want to be a crossdresser. I believed I was broken, and an abomination of society. I believed that I was alone, and that no one could possibly understand. But I was also convinced in my mind that I was more than just a mere crossdresser. I was convinced that I was in the wrong body.

As far as males go, I had a body that most would have been proud to have had. I did not want it, though. I struggled with myself for years over who I was, and who I wanted to be. I wanted breasts. I wanted a vagina. I did not want what I had been given. I would constantly fantasize about the ways I could pull off a sex change when I reached adulthood, and how I would explain it to my parents.

And all of this tore me up inside! I just wanted to be normal, like all of the other boys! Yet, I was not, and could not be normal. In an attempt to escape from myself, I dug deeper into athletics, and applied myself with rigid, unforgiving, and unbending determination and dedication. A professional career in my sport of choice was not out of the realm of possibility. College scholarships were a given. Through my dedication to sports, and my intense desire to beat the competition at all costs (a desire undoubtedly born from refocusing my inner anger and disgust towards the opposition), my confusion and sense of wrongness became somewhat bearable. I still crossdressed regularly, and I still wanted, and needed, to be a woman, but I simply did not think as much about myself as I did before. I had managed to partially distract and ignore my inner feelings and emotions.

This worked to some degree until I suffered a career ending injury. I went through surgeries and rehab, but to no avail. My career in my sport of choice was stripped away from me in one single moment – an injury that was beyond repair for the level of athletics I played at. I was but only a senior in high school at the time.

At that time, sports was my crutch. It was my only crutch. It allowed me to retain my sanity. Without it, I quickly spiraled deeply back into my confusion and belief that I was in the wrong body. I fell into a deep, dark depression that lasted for many years. I hated myself. I could not reconcile my thoughts with the expectations of society, and I was thoroughly convinced that I was an abomination. I did not want to be an outcast. I only wanted to be as others were.

I continued to crossdress here and there, but I suffered too much personal guilt and shame when I did. After high school, and in college, I finally began dating for the first time. I was drawn to girls that seemed somehow broken like I felt I was. Not a good combination. But even in the presence of such girls, my attempt to talk about how I felt (usually through jokes, so I could back away if I felt threatened), I was met with no acceptance of any kind. Which made the matter only worse for me – if “damaged” and “broken” girls could not accept a “damaged” and “broken” person such as myself, how would it be possible for a “normal” girl to accept me?

As my depression spiraled further out of control, I lost complete sight of who I was, and what was important. I had no direction whatsoever. I thought I was a lost soul drowning quickly with no help in sight. It was all too much. But there was a specific moment in time that began to turn the process around, and swing the pendulum the other way. That moment ultimately set me on the right path, but I am not willing or prepared to talk about that now. Suffice it to say, but for discovering this path, and clinging to the hope it offered with every fiber of my being, my life would be drastically different right now. Assuming I had a life at all . . . . The path was long, difficult, and filled with deep potholes, but it led me on a journey well worth taking, and to where I ultimately find myself now.

Interestingly enough, when I eventually came out of the depression, there was something markedly different about how I perceived myself. Although I began to crossdress in earnest again, and began to actually enjoy it without all of the emotional guilt and shame I previously felt attached, I no longer felt like I was in the wrong body. Thoughts of wanting to actually be a woman occurred less frequently. I was still confused, but not like I had been. Eventually, such thoughts ceased completely. In am in my early 40s now, and it seems like several lifetimes ago since I last had such thoughts.

Although I have remembered parts of my life recently that have long been covered by dust and cobwebs, or simply locked away, the odd thing is that I cannot even begin to place a specific time frame on when my thoughts began to change in this regard. I wanted to be a woman soooo bad for so long! And then I did not. I do not even know if it was a change in attitude overnight, or one that slowly occurred. I strongly suspect the latter, but I simply cannot explain it.

Does this even make sense? Did any of you have a similar experience? I absolutely love who I am now. I am a MtF crossdresser, and I am proud to be one. I truly would not have it any other way. I love my feminine side dearly, and I treasure it, but I also appreciate and enjoy my masculine side. But after dredging up these old memories, I would like to understand, if it is even possible to understand. Remembering such things, and writing about it as I am now, is not particularly easy. Ultimately, I suppose, it is ancient history and does not matter in the end. I do believe, however, it is good to remember where we came from, and how we got here. So any insight that any of you can provide would be much appreciated.

Thanks for listening . . . .

[NathalieX66]

longest post yet.

Yeah, we all need to ramble...it gets it off our backs.
I wanted to transition 1o years ago, I thought I was that person. transition is for those willing to give up what they don't need.
Being on both sides of the fence works for me.....that's just me.

My journey so far has been fun, happy, thrilling, fulifilling so far. .....not without it's challenges, but better than the state I was in when I was in denial.

[ricci]

Great post. Its good to see that you have found a balance and and acceptance of who you are. There were periods of time when I felt like I wanted to be a woman. I wore a lot of my mother and sisters clothes in my teens and 20's (I am the same age as you BTW).
I felt like I was F'ed up and the only person in the world who felt this way. Back then I thought only extroverted, flamboyant gay men dressed like women. Where did I fit in? How and where would we go in those days to find anyone like ourselves to talk to?
Finally, just recently and after many long years of denial, I accepted that I'm a crossdresser and decided to be happy about it and not torturie myself for being this way. Now I'm having fun!

[Debglam]

Hi Anne!

Thanks for sharing your story. Some of it struck pretty close to home! I believe that only when we stop suppressing this side of ourselves can we truly assess what our needs truly are. Until then, it will likely come out in a way that doesn't reflect our reality.

Deb

[Adriennegrl]

Great post, I'm sure we all can relate, I sure can.

Now in my mid 30's there are times when I want to transition but they're fleeting and not as strong as when I was in my teens/20's. If I ever were to get it done I may have been best to do it then. But maybe not...as evident where you are today. It's not that I'm old but I feel it's too late for me personally and I too enjoy having the best of both worlds, most of the time...

I too suppressed my CD over the years at times. I'm now revisiting it w/ more vigor and instead of hiding pantyhose under my jeans I'm going for the complete woman look so many here have. I shut off my feelings and desires too many times in the past, my time is now.

I'm still struggling w/ it but feel like I'm making some progress. I still have those moments where I feel like a complete woman while others I feel like a man and some where I feel like a woman trapped in a man's body... I wish it could be more cut and dry and admire that you're at where you are.

[Kathi Lake]

Anne,

You are most certainly not alone!

I too prayed and wished for and fantasized about being a woman in my younger years. Obviously, that didn't happen. Will it happen? I don't think so. I am at about the same place that you are. I am a crossdresser. Doing that satisfies the need I have to allow my feminine side out into the world. What ratio are those male and female sides? I'm not saying.

Truthfully, I have a pretty sweet thing going now, and I don't want to upset it. Life is good. Why rock the boat?

:)

Kathi

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm happy for you for Being able to find who you are... It can mean everything to your quality of life.

It's great to be able to express it with confidence and passion .

[betty1253]

Oh my, what a profound outpouring.

Personal revelations like these make me feel sad. No one knows the pain and confusion but us.

Betty

[Badtranny]

Bravo Anne,

Your honesty is compelling and I'm totally curious about "that moment".

[Shari]

Anne, it's not just what you went through but what so many go through in their transition from their wide eyed youth to an older and clearer view of one's actual life and the reality that goes with it.
The groundhog days of our everyday lives take the edge off many of our fantasies, hopes and dreams. Sooner or later, something inside throws that switch, knowing these things cannot be attained and the mind is eased into acceptance of those facts.
It's called wisdom.

[Cynthia Anne]

Again you tell a heart warming story that hits close to home! Much of it could be said about me! Although I always wanted to be female, the feeling has not deminish one bit! As strong or perhaps stronger then ever the desire is still there! Due to health problems along with others I realize this will never take place! I will stay happy though, because I except myself and love life! Having the girls on this site including you brings much joy to me! Thank you girlfriend! Hugs!

[kristinacd55]

I can identify with a lot of the same feelings you have Anne, and I'm coming to accept myself more and more as I come out. I no longer want to transition, as I did in my teens/20's just as you talk about. It's a pretty good state where I'm moving towards now I believe.

[flatlander_48]

What I find interesting is how we (many of us) reach a turning point in our lives. SOMETHING happens to help us put things into perspective or allow us to be less critical with ourselves or we begin to understand why we feel and think the way that we do. For me, if I can verbalize what I'm thinking that means that I understand it (or at least well enough to explain it to someone else). Perhaps that is the case for Anne. It is also interesting how we can understand things much better in hindsight, but at the time we didn't have a clue...

[suchacutie]

Your wonderful post sent me off to wonder what might have been. I feel as though you are on one side of a coin and I'm on the other, and I so much wonder what it would have been like to flip the coin over. I was ill for the first 5 years of my life, so I never excelled at sports in high school, but I did excell in music. I was the one inside on a summer's day playing board games with the neighborhood (mostly) girls, and I was an only child. My daughter looks at my high school pictures and tells me that today I would have been called a "pretty boy". And yet, I never crossed the line into my feminine side! I was 55 before an odd set of events brought me to be "dressed"!

Knowing now how strong my feminine side can be, I can't but imagine what it would have been like to have crossed that line earlier, without all the information the internet can provide, and without a completely supportive wife. Maybe I have the best of all worlds, but it's hard not to wonder what it would have been like to have started at least a bit earlier....so much time lost.

tina

[sometimes_miss]

Hi Anne; I think the part that struck such a note with me was this part:

I was drawn to girls that seemed somehow broken like I felt I was. Not a good combination. But even in the presence of such girls, my attempt to talk about how I felt (usually through jokes, so I could back away if I felt threatened), I was met with no acceptance of any kind. Which made the matter only worse for me – if “damaged” and “broken” girls could not accept a “damaged” and “broken” person such as myself, how would it be possible for a “normal” girl to accept me?
Much to my chagrin, I had the same experience. I thought that women who wanted to embrace a male lifestyle would understand that perhaps a guy would like the reverse, but no such chance; those women hated everything about being stuck being feminine, and thought any guy who wanted to be feminine was nuts. Then I tried talking with women who had been abuse in their lives, hoping that they would understand and accept a guy who had been through it and gotten past the hurdles of all the psychological problems inherent in that. Nope; even 'damaged' women expect to have a 'normal' men. Any image of us that shows something less than a strong, stable, 'regular guy', and we're toast as far as about 99.9999% of the women in the world are concerned. Even bisexual women aren't interested; they seem to either want masculine men, or feminine women.
So it took me quite a while to not hate my situation in life.

[Pythos]

VEry thoughtful post.

There is much I relate to, aside from the wanting to actually be a girl. I wanted the same freedoms as women or girls had when it came to style, presentation, and emotion. But I never wanted to be an actual woman, hence the birth of my androgynous style.

For you it seems you have accepted being what you are...a male to female crossdresser. I personally think in time, there will be large amounts of people that will find M to F, or F to M cds who have no desire for a change to their bodies, to be VERY attractive. (great maker I hope so).

When I was in Middle and high school, I think I had two actual crushes (one was a big mistake though), but I had several female friends, and many alternative males, they were all really good friends. Unfortunately the males went and joined the ranks of the mundane, and to this day live mundane lives. Some continued on, but got invovled with the Rennasance fair groups which I could not go to due to my jobs.

But when I got into college I started dressing and looking how I wanted, which was my leggings and tunic look I love to wear to this day. I was still to shy to go full on Goth outside the clubs...which when I look back I wanna kick myself, but there we are.

Hopefully the internet and sites such as this vanquish the fears that controlled us, so that future generations will be "bold" and just be themselves.

["Mary"]

You should be thankful that you understand yourself so well. Most of the time I have no idea what make me tic. Honestly though - thanks for sharing.

[SuzanneBender]

Great post dear and it rings true with me also. There is an enormous difference between being and wishing. Once I realized I was wishing, I was quick to figure out that what I was wishing for isn't nearly as good as what I have. I am happy on the mid-path. Happy embracing my femininity on a part time basis while reveling in the fantastic dreamlike life that I somehow managed to build over the years. Why do I love the feminine? I don't know. That is the next great riddle of my life. Well that and where I left my keys this morning.

Manifest destiny always delivers us to where we belong.

[Lorileah]

I can relate to most of the things. I still have days when I think there MUST be something that I am missing inside that others have so they can be "normal" A gene? Something. Why can't I be happy like they are?

I didn't have a moment as much as a period (don't even go there). I was lucky that I had a professor when I was in college who basically gave me permission to be me. The only psych class I ever took and ended up being a TA. When I took the permission, I felt better about myself in general and then I went though a time of being content if not happy. Then mid-life came along and I decided life is short. I would only regret that which I didn't do and being transgendered wasn't going to be a regret. I am glad you reached that point before you passed so much life up

[sterling12]

Since people have mentioned something "missing." Let us consider A Quote from Henry David Thoreau, and I will give you The Complete Quote as often it is in a truncated form:

"Most Men (Women, TG's, Etc.) lead lives of quiet desperation, AND GO TO THE GRAVE WITH THE SONG STILL IN THEM."

Your in your forties, don't be surprised in a few years if those old feelings come back. Lori sort of alluded to that possible scenario. Best Advise is "Heed Thoreau!" Don't end up with so many things unfulfilled. Yeah, all of us may be on "The Path less taken," but so what? In The End, we only have to answer to ourselves.

Peace and Love, Joanie

[Chickhe]

Thanks for the post. I went through a lot of similar issues. Maybe the recent part of it is what they call a midlife crisis...not feeling like you know where you should be heading or deciding its worth slowing down a bit and investing time in yourself. I beleive a lot of the early issues are related to peer pressure, fitting it, needing friends etc., I find as I get older I don't need all that as much as I thought I did when I was younger.

[JustWendy]

Many of the members here grew up at a time when information was scarce and certain topics were never discussed. And if they were like me, they were naive and knew little of the difference between sex, and orientation, and gender. I liked to wear dresses and look pretty. These must be signs that I want to be a girl. I spent a large part of my early life confused. I'm glad I didn't make any irreversible decisions then. Today, with age, experience, and information on my side, I understand that I am, and always was, TG, but not TS.

Wendy

[Dawn cd]

When outsiders reflect on crossdressing, they assume we're a weird and frivolous bunch. They can't comprehend the pain that people suffer because of gender confusion. Thank you, Anne, for giving voice to that process. I truly believe that going through the pain can make us deeper and more compassionate people. What we're engaged in is not just pretty clothes and feminine styles--it is that, but on another level it's about giving life to a mature, contented woman, and loving her as ourselves.

[Lynn Marie]

You know, if it wasn't for the internet and sites like this, we all would still think we were the only ones who had this problem and we would never have come to see ourselves as part of a greater society of folks who just don't exactly fit the category of "normal".

I'm really indebted to this site and others like it for allowing me and so many of "us" to just relax and accept ourselves as valid members of the greater society. We may never be fully acccepted by that greater society, but now we can accept ourselves as maybe "semi-normal" and that's pretty good if you ask me.

I now like myself as a confident, caring, male and I also like myself when dressed and looking pretty. I'm a good person in either mode and I'm not going to spend one more iota of my life trying to justify who I am!

[Jane G]

Anne

So much of your thread rings true for me. From a very early age I wanted to be a girl, I dreamed of being a girl. I suffered in silence and I dressed in secret. My parents soon found out and scorned me, my farther even tried to beat it out of me a few times. Probably as a result I never felt comfortable with my crossdressing. I, like so many of our generation, thought it was wrong.

I joined the navy a moved well away from home and married my child hood sweet heart. I never for one second held any grudge against my parents, they where just doing their best. I thought being married would stop me cross dressing, but of course it didn't and my wife found out. It took about twenty years after that before she started to except who I was and through out the good and bad times ,that all relationships go through, I rightly or wrongly blamed my self for not telling her about something I didn't really understand before we got married. It will be thirty years this year and finalyl she does understand, though she would still rather I was just a regular guy. But there are no more arguments about the subject of crossdressing and we even by each other female clothing sometimes.

I've also accepted who I am. I have always been an amature athlete and proud of my male physeek, strength and speed. But for so many years the thought of transitioning would not go away. I even took hormones for a short period. Then one day it just did. I don't no what the trigger was, maybe it was my wife accepting who I was, maybe it was the internet and the knowledge that it was ok to be like me, in the middle some where not pefect at one end of a large spectrum like my mun & dad had thought I should be.

Any how these days I'm just happy to be me. It took 40+years but I've have finally found who I am and I'm very lucky.

Thanks for taking time to share your story with us all. This forum is full of wonderful people who will listen.

Love Jane:battingeyelashes:

[Anne2345]

When outsiders reflect on crossdressing, they assume we're a weird and frivolous bunch. They can't comprehend the pain that people suffer because of gender confusion.
I truly believe that going through the pain can make us deeper and more compassionate people. What we're engaged in is not just pretty clothes and feminine styles--it is that, but on another level it's about giving life to a mature, contented woman, and loving her as ourselves.

Very well stated! You have seemingly captured a majority of the CDing experience within FOUR sentences! I could learn a lesson or two on brevity from you, my friend! And I could not agree with you more! :)


You are most certainly not alone!

That is one of the many fantastic attributes about this forum. None of us are alone here! Would that I had such a resource available to me back in my youth! To all of you younger girls that have always known the internet and the wealth of information it provides – use it, and use it well!


Personal revelations like these make me feel sad. No one knows the pain and confusion but us.

You are so sweet! But do not feel sad! Once acceptance and realization of the self occurs, the pursuit of femininity and the attempt to become a more complete person is truly a magical and beautiful journey. The trick is to accept and embrace this magnificent gift of crossdressing with open and loving arms. Easier said than done, but clearly it is possible. So instead of feeling sad, celebrate the success stories, enjoy this marvelous gift that has been bestowed upon us, and impart wisdom upon those still struggling to come to terms with themselves, so that they too may come to experience the joy we feel in crossdressing!


longest post yet. Yeah, we all need to ramble...
but better than the state I was in when I was in denial.

Although my articulate, eloquent, and wise friend Dawn could certainly teach me a thing or two about brevity, I did not think I was rambling. Instead, I thought I was telling a story that had meaning to me. I could have composed a much longer post, given the subject matter, so you should at least consider yourself lucky that I did not completely over extend my post to that of an unduly burdensome length! :heehee: But you are most certainly correct it that we are all better off when we are not in denial. This is a truth based in wisdom. Very well stated! :D


I personally think in time, there will be large amounts of people that will find M to F, or F to M cds who have no desire for a change to their bodies, to be VERY attractive. (great maker I hope so).

Hopefully the internet and sites such as this vanquish the fears that controlled us, so that future generations will be "bold" and just be themselves.

I hope you are correct about this! But I would also add that I hope there are many people that are also attracted to those who desire to change their bodies, as well. Regardless of how we look on the outside, we are all beautiful on the inside (but make no mistake – we are also beautiful on the outside!). We should all have the same opportunities as anybody else. Of course, Pythos, I have absolutely no doubt this is what you meant . . . .

[Marissa]

Thank you, Anne, for posting a thread and sharing your personal struggles and painful experiences which further gives proof to some that they are not alone or were the only ones who had shared similiar experiences. Even though I am not one of them..as I did not live my life with points of turmoil or uncertainties..I just found a point in my life to delve into crossdressing and experience the good points of it, whether home or out joining friends. I'm not driven by it..its just what it is..a good feeling.

Yet, its great that you took the time to express the story of your life as even you said that you have struggled on sharing or not..and in the end, you did.

It would have been great for life to have different for you..but I'm glad that you are at a point of happiness..with a great career, supportive wife and loving family..and now..some friends here to give support and learn from you as you have learned from others.

Thank you for sharing..stay sweet :)

Hugs,
Marissa

[wfmlover]

I think every crossdresser has a similar story in his younger days...

[Frédérique]

I have thought long and hard about whether to write and submit this post. My thoughts keep coming back to it, so I suppose that means I want to and therefore should. Anyways, I hope you appreciate that this requires me to open up my heart, and discuss a very difficult and lonely part of my past and history. Thanks for listening.

You mean thanks for reading...:)

I see these outpourings as a necessary catharsis, beneficial for you and your “audience” of crossdressers...


Although I did well in high school, I did not like high school. I knew I was very much different than all the other guys. I did, however, excel in athletics. This in and of itself would have given me a free pass into the higher ranks of high school society, but it was not for me. In fact, I despised much of what went on socially in high school. Also, I never dated, or went to a school dance. I was too confused and socially awkward. I liked girls. I had my fair share of intense crushes on girls in my school. But I also actually wanted to be a girl.

I also did not date, or attend dances, in high school – I was awkward with a capital “A!” I had those same intense crushes on girls, but I never appreciated that idea of “becoming” female, at least in appearance – I was completely unaware of the possibilities, probably because I never heard of anyone doing it. My lack of imagination at the time saddens me. For some reason, I didn’t feel like I was “broken.” I had a reasonable amount of self-assurance and belief in myself, founded on nothing, of course, but I think I was just trying to survive this period without being noticed TOO much...


Through my dedication to sports, and my intense desire to beat the competition at all costs (a desire undoubtedly born from refocusing my inner anger and disgust towards the opposition), my confusion and sense of wrongness became somewhat bearable. I still crossdressed regularly, and I still wanted, and needed, to be a woman, but I simply did not think as much about myself as I did before. I had managed to partially distract and ignore my inner feelings and emotions.

I wonder how many male athletes also channel their “disgust” through sports and seek to conquer what they inherently dislike? That is an interesting, and very deep, topic for discussion, I feel. Food for thought - quite literally so...


I thought I was a lost soul drowning quickly with no help in sight. It was all too much. But there was a specific moment in time that began to turn the process around, and swing the pendulum the other way. That moment ultimately set me on the right path, but I am not willing or prepared to talk about that now.

I’d be interested to hear about this time you “changed,” whenever you feel you're ready to write about it. I’m trying to pinpoint my own moment of discovery, or awakening, as you have so eloquently stated in the past. Dusting off old memories is my favorite pastime...

Hey, Anne – I think this is your “longest post yet!” :heehee:

[Torrey]

Anne-

Wow. What an out-pouring. It sounds so familiar to me as well...especially the sports angle. Though it was my father, rather than an injury, which derailed me. I now know he was the force behind my suppressing of Torrey.

Twenty years ago, I had a tough summer. It was my crossroads. To buy girly things, I turned to mail order & my order was declined as I must have over-spent on my card. In any case, that's when my depression set in, and I tried to put it behind me.

My "damaged girl" was my roommate's GF. As they were off-and-on again, I had opportunities...and I took advantage of them. It did not work out then, but she was the first one I came out to, and we now have the best relationship. I often wish I had told her twenty years ago. Would it have turned out like it did this winter? I'll never know.

The important thing, I guess, is that you are SOOOOOOOOO not alone in your journey. All of, it seems, thought we were alone with our albatross. How ironic that we have found each other here...

Hugs,
Torrey

[CaitlynRenee]

Love the Thoreau quote! I've wondered for years why the complete phrase wasn't used. Probably scared folks.

Since I'm part female (the old X/Y chromosome thing), I've always wished the 'Force' was with me and I could transition to physically being female at will. Complete female. When I wished, I could just switch back. Now THAT would be lovely.

Sigh............... ain't gonna happen though.