Is it cheating to walk around out in public with a mp3 player on?

[JennyA]

I go out in public every day as female. I usually never give it a second thought, but sometimes I am just not up for it mentally. The inner preparation that comes with putting yourself out there on display for people to see and possibly ridicule. When I'm not in the mood I will still go out as female, but I'll wear my mp3 player. I take away my sense of hearing and I find that it is calming and takes away any chance of hearing drive by heckling.

I've only ever had to do it when I wasn't in the mood or when I have decided to go out dressed a little too sexy. Like the first time I wore daisy dukes. I felt naked to the world.

[Debb]

It's totally weird, but I get the same comfort out of sunglasses. I don't think it's cheating at all, to allow yourself to feel better... in fact, it's probably starting you on a habit of feeling good, or OK about yourself.

[Robin Lee]

The sun glasses are my crouch too! I don,t see anything wrong with these little distractions, the GG use them as well and is not that what we are trying to be!

Best Wishes
Robin Lee

[Eryn]

I have a question, how often do you hear people say negative things? Going out shouldn't be an ordeal!

[Alexiz]

I think that's perfectly acceptable. It's really not a big deal, to me. It's absolutely normal to listen to music while out and about.. and it makes you feel more secure, so what's to lose?

You're miles ahead of me in confidence to go out dressed en femme, anyhow. The only time I've dressed out was when I walked the dog one time. The neighbors didn't really give it a second thought, but.. I'm not a mind reader. It's highly understandable for you to feel that you're not feeling too well, mentally. I could only imagine what it'd be like for me to dress out en femme every day. One day, it'll happen, and I'll be able to relate with you.

I agree with what the other users had said. Sunglasses seem like a great way to feel better about oneself. It's especially great, because large lenses are a big thing these days... things like aviators. -shrug- If anything, I know I like to hide behind sunglasses, even when dressed male.

[Aprilrain]

CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol just kidding. be careful though as lack of hearing really takes away your situational awareness

[Melody Moore]

I wear sunglasses when I go out in the daytime, but I wear them to cut the glare out of my eyes, not to hide behind.
Whenever I walk inside & into a business I take them off straight away & this has made no difference to how others
perceive me. I still get treated & respected as a female without the sunglasses, so I really think that these silly little
'security 'blankets' like wearing a 'Walkman' or any other Mp3 Player will make absolute no difference to anyone else
but yourself.

[Jorja]

Wearing an mp3 player is not cheating at all. Just look around everyone seems to have one these days. However I have a question. Are you just pretending to be a female or is it something you really want or need? If you are TS there should be no need for "inner preparation" as you call it. It just happens as a part of your being.

[Bernadina]

CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol just kidding. be careful though as lack of hearing really takes away your situational awareness

Ditto on being oblivious on not being aware of what's going on around you. Kind of scary to to see all those people with their ears (and probably their minds) plugged up.

[Aprilrain]

Wearing an mp3 player is not cheating at all. Just look around everyone seems to have one these days. However I have a question. Are you just pretending to be a female or is it something you really want or need? If you are TS there should be no need for "inner preparation" as you call it. It just happens as a part of your being.

Not to put words in anyones mouth but i think I understand where she is coming from. I know that somedays I feel really self conscious, not because im female but because there are a lot of things about my body that lie and say im NOT female. People look at my body to determine my gender they do not read my mind! If they determine that im male but im at the pool wearing a bikini then I feel self conscious. Of course no one has ever come up to me and said "we know your secret, your not fooling us!" so my self consciousness is strictly a lack of courage on that particular day because on other days I just say F it who cares what they think!

Being a woman is way different than being a TS who doesn't pass.

[Melody Moore]

If you are TS there should be no need for "inner preparation" as you call it. It just happens as a part of your being.

Jorga, this is so true.

Personally I believe that if your inner spirit is truly 'female' then this is how other
people will see you once you let yourself become the person you truly are. There
was a time I thought I needed to know all I could learn about female mannerisms,
deportment & body language. And while I did study it, everything I do now as a
female seems to just come naturally & it never took any amount of rehearsal to
master because it was already there - I just had to only embrace it. And I can
even recall when I started wearing 5" high heel stilettos & it was not a problem
to me when initially I did believe I would have a lot of problems walking in them.

While it is not cheating to be wearing an Mp3 Player I think that any person who
does so needs to examine why they need a security blanket like this in the first
place & do more work on addressing those underlying issues. I feel this is just like
putting a band-aid on a much ore serious wound. This person needs to start to be
more honest with themselves to find the answers & work out the best solutions.

[JennyA]

Not to put words in anyones mouth but i think I understand where she is coming from. I know that somedays I feel really self conscious, not because im female but because there are a lot of things about my body that lie and say im NOT female. People look at my body to determine my gender they do not read my mind! If they determine that im male but im at the pool wearing a bikini then I feel self conscious. Of course no one has ever come up to me and said "we know your secret, your not fooling us!" so my self consciousness is strictly a lack of courage on that particular day because on other days I just say F it who cares what they think!

Being a woman is way different than being a TS who doesn't pass.

Thanks that's how I feel, your pool analogy is spot on for me.

[Sophie_Serendipity]

You know, I never got my decoder ring or learned the secret handshake. Other than the diagnostic hoops you have to jump through, I'm not aware of a set of rules about what rules you in or out, or determines you to be a 'cheat'. You do what you need to do. I think life is hard enough as it is without making yourself feel somehow bad because you don't always feel so confident. I think listening to your music can be a useful way of making your 'out and about' time more automatic. It's like most things, when you get your routine sorted out, you can build up the positive self-talk and cut down on the assistant behaviour. I do agree with the others that you should be careful not to become so dependent that you can't do it WITHOUT the headphones, but otherwise, give yourself a break and watch for traffic.

[Frances]

One of my coworkers is 6'5" and quite good looking, but he is pathologically shy and walks around with huge headphones to avoid being talked to or talking to people. He also cannot look strangers in the eye and keeps his gaze to the ground. It is not a trans thing to want to shut yourself from the world. I use to read magazines all the time in the metro (when I was a boy).

[Sophie_Serendipity]

One of my coworkers is 6'5" and quite good looking, but he is pathologically shy and walks around with huge headphones to avoid being talked to or talking to people. He also cannot look strangers in the eye and keeps his gaze to the ground. It is not a trans thing to want to shut yourself from the world. I use to read magazines all the time in the metro (when I was a boy).

yep. I agree. There are days when I wear my headphones just to escape from the assault on my senses that this town is. There are also days when I just can't muster the emotional energy to deal with the outside world at all. ...then there are days like today when I WISH I had stayed indoors.

Unless you're living in some idyllic hide-away as part of some utopian dream society, you're going to have days where you just feel like people suck and you don't want to deal with it. That's not about being trans, that's about being a human being.

...also, as someone else said here. GGs go through this too. People can make all sorts of unkind comments...and they also have a hard time dealing with it. Sometimes my SO dresses as 'boyishly' as possible to avoid unwelcome words from others. I think the comment to be made here is not whether or not a person should feel bad for wanting to shut out the crap, as much as it sucks that there is so little respect for human dignity and the right to live without fear or shame.

[Stephanie Miller]

Cup half full or half empty? When I walk out in public I know there will be at least one lamebrain that is going to say something or give an odd look. But I gladdly give in to that because I don't want to miss out on the many more accepting compliments or smiles from those that are O.K. with me being me. So I guess it's kind of like pushing away the whole cake because a pea fell on it. (analogy does not work for those that like peas. :heehee:)

[tracigirl_tv]

Verrrry interesting thread (THIS from someone who only goes out in public to t-friendly events). I just have unending admiration for every special lady who goes out. Sunglasses? MP3s? The rest of the world uses them, often for similar reasons as those expressed in this thread.

JennyA, you rock girlfriend! Keep on keepin on :)

hugs and a xxx,

Traci

[LisaTaylor]

The MP3 player and earphones thing works really well when riding the bus in my area. Sadly there's a disproportionately large number of trolls and weirdos riding the bus who will bug the hell out of you - unless they think you can't hear them. With earphones in, they ignore you. Just either keep the music volume low, or better yet off, so you can still hear what's going on around you.

[Sophie_Serendipity]

Cup half full or half empty?

I'd say that depends on the size of the boobs...:battingeyelashes:

(or the bra you're using to measure them)

[dawnmarrie1961]

Jenny, Rule of thumb: Do what ever you feel comfortable doing. There is no set rule (That I know of). Dealing with the ridicule of the unenlightened, unfortunately, goes with the territory. People are going to say what they are going to say. That is REALITY. It only becomes valid if you want to believe it. Just be yourself. You'll do fine.

[Starling]

...you can build up the positive self-talk and cut down on the assistant behaviour...

Sorry for going a bit off-topic, but I've never heard the term "assistant behaviour," and it proved to be Google-proof. Sophie, whatsis?

[Melody Moore]

Sophie, whatsis?
I think Sophie is talking about any bad habits that we might develop to avoid confronting our real issues here.

[Sophie_Serendipity]

LALady: 'Assistant behaviour' put simply is something you do to help you do something else. We all have some of these. They vary from using our music players, to having a smoke or a shot of whiskey before (or after) a stressful moment. It can also be things like having preferences for how things are organised, or even a pair of 'lucky underwear'. By definition assistant behaviours are not bad in themselves, but become unhealthy when a person depends on them to the point that they CAN'T do what they need to without it. There is a grey area with medication, because in some cases, where we are physically unable to function, the medication makes life possible.

So in the end, whether good or bad depends on how much you control a behaviour, or how much it controls you.

PS: I'm not surprised you couldn't google it. It's pretty field-specific jargon. I should have explained better. Sorry.

[Starling]

...I'm not surprised you couldn't google it. It's pretty field-specific jargon. I should have explained better. Sorry.

No need to apologize, Sophie. I'm always happy to add another recondite term to my vocabulary, but I should have had my assistant do the googling.

:heehee: Lallie

[Sophie_Serendipity]

Lallie, no worries. If you want I can load you up with a heap of weird psychosocial terms. It's a bit of a joke really. I remember laughing with one Professor about an incident in which a bunch of maths students who came up with an algorithm that arranged a set of sociological terms into an article and got it published in a sociology journal. ...or at least, so goes the story.

It goes to show though, that even within sociology the language becomes a bit opaque. It took me an inordinate amount of time to explain the concept of 'anomic dysphoria' to the academics in my department...but then, what can you expect from a social work department? haha...oh, I SO hope there aren't any social workers here. If there are...I am terribly sorry for being so rude and I do respect what you do. It's just the ones that "don't" that I have limited respect for.

Incidentally, a friend of mine says "the difference between social work and the 'serious' social sciences is that it always involves puppies and kittens in its methodology."

...I'm going to burn.

[Starling]

...I'm going to burn.

Yes, brightly.

:daydreaming: Lallie

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

On my bad days, you know the ones where you leave the house less put together? I just pretend I am deaf. I learned a little ASL and say I can lip read. People are so much nicer to me lol.... I know it sounds awful but it works.

[Bree-asaurus]

On my bad days, you know the ones where you leave the house less put together? I just pretend I am deaf. I learned a little ASL and say I can lip read. People are so much nicer to me lol.... I know it sounds awful but it works.

I've joked about doing that... funny to see someone actually doing it :P

[danielleb]

Maybe I live in a crazy bubble, but so far I haven't heard any of those negative comments (maybe I have selective hearing?). Strange looks, of course every once in a long while, and usually from elderly people who are clearly set in their ways.

Even on a day like today where I just ran out first thing in the morning before heading out for a day of cycling and just threw on a jean skirt, top, and my grubby guy shoes (that I hate and feel like shackles to me!), I find that as a woman I want to be connected to the world. As a guy I would certainly have thrown on the headphones and avoided people at all costs.

If I had on headphones, even on the off days, how am I supposed to get the compliments on my shoes or jewelry, and recieve the positive to ward off the negative?:D

[Dawn cd]

I suspect that Jenny presents herself as a much sexier broad than most of us do. (No offense Jenny, you've got the looks and equipment to do it.) She simply antes-up more than most of us do. It takes courage, and risks greater pain.

[Myojine]

I go out in public every day as female. I usually never give it a second thought, but sometimes I am just not up for it mentally. The inner preparation that comes with putting yourself out there on display for people to see and possibly ridicule. When I'm not in the mood I will still go out as female, but I'll wear my mp3 player. I take away my sense of hearing and I find that it is calming and takes away any chance of hearing drive by heckling.

I've only ever had to do it when I wasn't in the mood or when I have decided to go out dressed a little too sexy. Like the first time I wore daisy dukes. I felt naked to the world.
I'm literally half deaf, and the befinit of that is this
I can choose to not hear or listen to people. AND i have a real excuse for it too.
If someone wants to talk to me and i dont want to talk back
i wait till they are close enough and then loud enough even if i already heard them.
Then quietly explain "im half deaf, yorue going to have to speak up if you want to talk to me"
Anyone in a public place is usually backs off or doesnt want to talk louder.
I'ts intersting how being partially deaf can make it so you dont have to listen to anyone anymore.

Im not one to wear daisy dukes, or even anything that shows clevage(if i had any) Im a tshirt and skirt person, however i do feel VERY self concious about myself when wearing female clothing.
I don't care much for what people thinkg about me, i only seem to care about the person in the mirror
If i cant be satisified with it, then thats when the day goes to shit for me and i cant handle it.

No its not cheating, its just you dealing with it.
Don't worry i say.

[JennyA]

The great thing is that I dropped the crutch. I knew I was using it to avoid certain things so I stopped doing it AND you know what...no one has been yelling stuff at me all the while. I do enjoy my music and it makes my walks more fun, but I won't use the earbuds anymore as a security blanket.

My next big goal is to go out into the world in a skirt and with a purse. I've been out with super tight female jeans, a pink blouse, and makeup, but I've never had the courage to carry a purse yet or wear a skirt. It's the next step and I think it'll be fun. i just wish i didnt always have to do it alone.