Struggling with it all but dealing with it....kind of a rant

[natasha]

After turning 47 a couple of weeks ago, you start to look at life in retrospect a little. Hopefully, there are many more birthdays to come but in reality there are less than have already passed. Over the last few years I have finally started taking the steps to be/become the person I am inside: A Woman. Having been brought up in an all male household and in a mostly male dominated neighborhood it was almost impossible to explore my real being to the point where I have had soooo much male influence I have a hard time being able to express being myself. In review after being on low dose hormones for almost 3 years, and an orchi last year I have not one iota of regret other than not starting it all sooner. I am extremly fortunate to have a wife who accepts that I am different from societies norm, but at the same time I have two wonderful children (18 & 16) who don't need the distraction of knowing that their dad is a woman inside and would prefer to be seen as she feels inside. At the same time what does one do that has built a career, locally public, that is all male? I guess you just suck it up and continue to deal with it.

What does the future hold for someone with now mildly hormone induced physical changes, and distincly(sp) different emotional viewpoints? I don't know. There are many aspects that scare the heck out of me, but at the same time I am relieved that I have taken the steps I have so far. If only I could win the lottery......

Sorry for the rambling but sometimes there are very limited outlets to get it out.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Natasha, please don't apologise for letting your frustrations out - that is part of what this site is for. :bighug:

It probably won't hurt, but at least you got the courage to do the right thing 10 years sooner than I did.

I have come to see that being in the public eye is not the bar to happiness that I, like you, once thought it was. I am constantly amazed by the amount of support shown to me by members of the public in my town.

Please do not underestimate your children's capacity to embrace who you really are, their generation is much more open to the whole question.

[Eryn]

I understand your dilemma with your teen children. I'm in almost the same situation. My wife and I came to the decision that they don't need any added complications in their already full lives. I have no doubt that they will be accepting when we tell them, but it will be at a time when they have their independence and can feel free to make decisions for themselves.

[Melody Moore]

This is why I waited until my kids were adults. I didn't want to put them through anything that could
be seen as a reason for them to suffer from bullying & abuse because I didn't fit the norms of society.

However now my kids have all reached adulthood & while they are struggling to accept it - it is MY TIME
NOW ! And nothing will change my mind about that. I have suffered far too long & if I didn't do anything
about it when I did I can almost guarantee I would have been dead within 5 years. But now I have a lot
more new meaning to my life & existence which would not have been possible without transition.

I feel for you, but there should be a time where you start to live your life for yourself & not for other
people - this also applies to your children & any other family. If they truly love you then your need to
live your life as the person you truly are that will bring out the best in you, then they should understand.
Good Luck & I hope your struggle ends soon :hugs:

[Andrea85]

IMHO, children aren't a very good reason not to get started. Yes, it may be rough on them, but the longer it is till they learn, the less chance of being accepting. That may not always be the case though. Plus, think of it this way. If you have an inner struggle keeping you from coming to peace with yourself, and from being totally happy, then how can you raise a child to the best of your ability? You can't. Not to say it's wrong to wait though. Just how I see it and would do things if I were in that situation, if my ex let me see mine.

[Kelsy]

but at least you got the courage to do the right thing 10 years sooner than I did.



Natasha

Ten years can easily get behind you! It's been six years since I divorced and began to explore what was really goin on with me.
I constantly struggle with fear especially when It comes to my kids but I have finally realized that the fear was my prison.

Someone once said That you have to make peace with your fear! You will still be affraid but it won't rule you!
I think once you clear that hurdle freedom waits on the other side! If you have always been a good person
and have loved your peeps then good will come of your Struggle!

[Melody Moore]

IMHO, children aren't a very good reason not to get started.
That is easier said then done when you do have children & still have lots of fears holding you back.
Just remember how hard it has been for you to come out, but also add to the equation how society
sees & treats people like us & then factor in the immature bullying nature of some of the peers that
your kids have to be associated & have deal with then you arrive at a surprising result where it is
not so easy to just come out. I think those transsexuals that have had long term serious relationships
& started families have by far one of the biggest struggles. Having children certainly complicated things
a lot more for me. If I didn't have kids I would have most likely transitioned about 20 years ago.

The age of the kids is another factor, transitioning while the kids are young would certainly be the
ideal situation where they only know you as the person you transitioned to. However it is often the
case we are not at that point where we are ready to start transition & the GID is fully repressed.
That was also certainly the case for me when my kids were born.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm sitting here right now at the jersey shore at my parents rental and my kids (17 and 14 yr old girls) are having a great time..my brother, sister, inlaws and their kids are here too.. sometimes they call me by my old name, or call me he...and i just smile and say "she".. its all good

telling your children later has risks.. one common thing that happens is the parent waits until kids are in college, and the reaction is more of "Why didn't you tell me", and a feeling of guilt around the kids...i have been estranged from a friend that went through this...they divorced when the youngest hit college, told the kids about dad, and the kids went fricking ballistic...they don't even want to talk to him.. they are talking now I'm told, but everything is ice cold, and here's the kicker..she still hasn't transitioned...it turns out for her, the kids were an excuse and its really other factors causing her to not go forward..
another friend had three boys, waited until the youngest was a senior, and in her case, it didn't matter...the boys hate her, won't talk to her, and threaten to beat her up...her long wait was to no avail...and now her supportive wife has seen this, and suddenly has become unsupportive...their business is starting to fall apart, and this is now a bad situation...

i'm sure we all know all kinds of stories...because in the end, it is pick your poisin... if you brought up a family, you are certainly responsible to them.. and you need to put their interests in front of everything..this is not something your kids are gonna like and you will making their lives harder (which makes me so sad)....but there is no rule that says transitioning is wrong or right at any given time..

i did it, and its fine...not perfect by any stretch, but my kids never ever had a dad that was not TS...it was just when they found out....and what i did it about it...
although my wife chose to leave the marraige, we did that amicably, and the kids didn't suffer more than another divorce situation...

we have tricky moments, and the kids are certainly afraid of a big "outing" moment...but so far i'm meeting friends one by one, and everything has been fine...

..my kids are going to be adults..when they are adults i hope they feel their dad had courage and strength, and that they will feel pride and tolerance for people that are different...given that my oldest daughter just became the president of the gay/straight alliance at school, i think this is the current path..

all this is to say that i think transition is something that is done as a last resort to give the gid sufferer a chance at a good quality of life...if you can't sleep, can't function, want to die, etc...then you better drop the idea you are helping others by sticking it out...if you are ok sticking it out and you feel good about things, you do have options, but it's like the stock market...sometimes you (And your family) will have alot of volatility in results no matter how well you think it through...

[Aprilrain]

I have a 1, 5 and 13 year old all boys the eldest is my step son. I just couldn't do it anymore plus i just kept thinking about transitioning at 40 or 50 and i wanted to kill myself it seems like i've already missed out on so much as a woman but I'm thankful that I have the time I do have. Im 35 and figure that I will be all woman by 37 and I guess thats not to bad. Wish I were twenty though and I wish I hadn't built this life as a male including children. I love my kids but it makes things a lot more difficult.

[Melody Moore]

Wish I were twenty though and I wish I hadn't built this life as a male including children. I love my kids but it makes things a lot more difficult.
April I feel the exact same way as you do, but I don't regret anything I have done, including having children
even if they do resent me now because I transitioned. I gave them the best I could until I had gone past that
point Kaitlyn just mentioned where you can't sleep, can't function & was wanting to die. My immune system
totally crashed & I was getting seriously ill & admitted into hospital on a regular basis. So I have very little
doubt that if I kept going the way I did I was surely going to die. But I got to this point because I still felt
responsible for my kids & wanted to wait until they were out of school & at a mature enough age they might
be able to really understand. But as Kaitlyn also pointed out, there is a huge risk in doing this later in life &
this is something I am dealing with now with my kids having a lot of resentment toward me about my transition.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

melody i think the magic words are "i did the best i could"...

no one will ever be happy with us if they've invested in us, and we can't ever be happy until we actually start investing in ourselves.

the more we let people invest in us prior to a transition, the more it will cost THEM when we do...
it just sucks...lol.

[Andrea85]

That is easier said then done when you do have children & still have lots of fears holding you back.
Just remember how hard it has been for you to come out, but also add to the equation how society
sees & treats people like us & then factor in the immature bullying nature of some of the peers that
your kids have to be associated & have deal with then you arrive at a surprising result where it is
not so easy to just come out. I think those transsexuals that have had long term serious relationships
& started families have by far one of the biggest struggles. Having children certainly complicated things
a lot more for me. If I didn't have kids I would have most likely transitioned about 20 years ago.

The age of the kids is another factor, transitioning while the kids are young would certainly be the
ideal situation where they only know you as the person you transitioned to. However it is often the
case we are not at that point where we are ready to start transition & the GID is fully repressed.
That was also certainly the case for me when my kids were born.

Next time you try to make an argument trying to disagree with something I said, use everything I said, not just a fraction of a sentence you didn't like.

I have a son. He's 6 years old now. I have yet to see him once, other than at a distance once a couple years ago. Want to know why? Because of all of this. My ex and I split up before he was born, but decided we would share custody without having to go to court. Right before he was born, she found out about me. Sent her brother and cousin to beat the hell out of me. I was in the hospital for a few weeks because of that. After they beat the crap out of me, they told me she said I'd never get to see him. The reason I started telling people back then was because I knew I could never be a good parent as depressed as I was over all of this. I was 20 at the time. Yes, this has caused me to never even get to know my son, but if I hadn't gotten the ball rolling then, I would have ended up a piss poor excuse of a parent. I don't regret it though. Going through that has now given me the opportunity to hopefully one day be a good parent, but I always think of what it could have been like if I could have raised him. But still don't regret it because I couldn't have been the best parent not trying to get started.

So Melody, instead of attempting to be condescending, know something about who you're pretending to know all about before you post. I know about what I posted about, since I've already dealt with it. Just remember, age doesn't always bring wisdom. I've had to deal with things while I was a teenager that most people never deal with till they're your age or older. Oh, and btw, I don't comment on things I have no clue about. I prefer to not look like an idiot.

[Eryn]

telling your children later has risks.. one common thing that happens is the parent waits until kids are in college, and the reaction is more of "Why didn't you tell me", and a feeling of guilt around the kids

This is certainly a possibility. I have to have faith in how my children were raised and in their understanding of my reasons for not telling them. In the situation where things "fall apart" there usually seems to be some other causal factor at work along with CDing, but the CDing tends to get the blame.

[Melody Moore]

So Melody, instead of attempting to be condescending, know something about who you're pretending to know all about before you post. I know about what I posted about, since I've already dealt with it.

First of all Andrea I was not trying to be condescending & I am 100% that other people will agree with me that there was
nothing at all that was meant to make you look bad. And the fact is Andrea whether or not you care to agree with me or
not, because I am a parent of adult kids who have been part of my life where you haven't, I am not meaning to sound
'condescending with this statement, But what this means is that I am more likely to have a valid opinion about what it is like
to deal with kids & all they go through & who have become adults when you are transsexual & you decide to finally transition.

So maybe Andrea I DO KNOW SOMETHING YOU DON'T! And do yourself a huge favour & don't read anymore into my posts
than was ever originally intended & especially on a thread where my opinion was intended to help the OP. So how about
learning to appreciate another point of view from a person who has actually been through this type of situation? You are
in no position to be able to judge me like you are doing now. I was never a 'bad parent' but you have no experience at all to
even speak of to understand the difficulties with coming out earlier in life when you do have kids. Because unlike you when
I had kids I wasn't dysfunctional because I managed to repress my GID issues where I got through without any problems.
Without having my kids there as reason to keep it all together, I don't think it would have been so easy for me to do that.
But I do feel for you in the fact you haven't seen or got to know your child. :hugs:

Other people have expressed opinions on this forum on your topics that you have disagreed with &
taken it as a personal attack, this is no different, except that this time it is NOT your topic, got it? ;)

[Andrea85]

Lol, now you're just making yourself look like a hypocrite. All yo do on here is pretend you know everything about everything. So I guess even though I am a parent, and my descision to come out about myself that caused me to have the Hell beat out of me, and lose the chance to raise my son, none of that matters, just because you say so. Yeah. Ok. I never once said anything about being attacked. Learn how to read before you assume things again. Your reply was only based on a small fraction of what I said, the the tiny amount you knew about me. I wasn't trying to come off as a bitch with the way I worded that reply. If I did, my apologies. But that is no excuse for your response. Just because you raised our kids through being depressed give you no more authority on this than it does me. But I'm not the one pretending I know more about this than everyone else here. All I did was say what I would do in the OP's situation, and had to tell what I did in my situation. I've never told anyone that before now, but you can to come in, acting all high and mighty, and try to tell me what I did was wrong. At least my son will never have to deal with the stress of my transition at all, unlike your kids. Next time, try to get your facts straight before you make yourself look like a fool again.

[Tamara Croft]

Well this Administrator is getting rather pissed off with the constant arguing and flaming in this section. Either knock it off, or some people are gonna be on a time out... and don't reply to this post taking the thread off topic either!

[Andrea85]

This is my last post here. Just wanted to say to the OP that I hope you get what I meant from my post. I'm not saying what you did was wrong or anything, just wanted to say my opinion since I am a parent also, but lost the chance to see him before he was born. I wish you the best of luck dealing with this.


Andrea

[Kelsy]

I have a 1, 5 and 13 year old all boys the eldest is my step son. I just couldn't do it anymore plus i just kept thinking about transitioning at 40 or 50 and i wanted to kill myself it seems like i've already missed out on so much as a woman but I'm thankful that I have the time I do have. .

I can count my Grandchildrens ages as well 4yrs and 2 yrs my oldest son is 30!!
No time like the present but the difficulty factor is off the charts!

K

[Carvery Carly]

I'm 40 and have two children (daughter 6yrs old and son 2 yrs old). I think it's going to be hard for them especially my daughter as she's my first born.
And like most 6 year old's, very quick at making funny comments about people.

Perhaps, I should wait awhile for the train to take me to the next stage in my life. (Got first appointment with therapist in month's time.)

But then again, maybe now would be the right time, as it's all I can think about.
Also I seem to be constantly arguing with my SO about everything and anything.
I've never, ever mentioned what's really going on in my head. Fear of outcome is probably preventing me from saying anything.

[Inna]

I am way younger then you so my perspective is quite different, I am 44. You have no idea how much difference 3 years make when you are 40+ :)
But seriously, as my young niece says, I stood at the crossroads good 4 years ago and had exactly the same dilemma except, my dilemma was weather to keep on living or end it right here right now, as you can tell I chose wisely.

My son 17 years old embraced me, like totally, way, seriously, my wife told me to look for happiness except somewhere else and with someone other then she. I obliged, my father could not wrap his mind around the subject and has cast me out, perhaps his over-educated, medical doctor brain could not handle any more of information already occupied with tests, exams, malpractice insurance premiums and hate for lawyers.

On the other hand the love gained surpassed love lost, I was unaware of such love existed, and was able to walk the gates of hell and pass, and emerge the other and, like totally, for real.

So babe, you can wait, you can do or not, but I think that to know one self at all for just one minute is greater then never known at all.

Love, like seriously, Inna :)

[Hope]

Your kids can handle more than you think they can.

I was once filled with the regret that you are. I still have it, but the level is lower. I used to pine for the things I thought I couldn't do. I used to think "Well maybe if I hadn't gotten married" "If I hadn't gotten into this career" "If only I had started earlier." And then it struck me - I will never be happy this way - living with mounting regret. I will never be younger than I am today. Not one more day.

I pulled the pin. I flipped the handle. The grenade went off and it has made all the difference.

[Aprilrain]

I pulled the pin. I flipped the handle. The grenade went off and it has made all the difference.

I do love your grenade analogy, its so appropriate! I have only one question though is the grenade pink?

[Hope]

I do love your grenade analogy, its so appropriate! I have only one question though is the grenade pink?

Of course! And filled with glitter!