On Again Off Again. GOOD GRIEF!!!

[Staci G]

Well after all these years I finally grew a pair. My wife has been in control for years telling me to stop crossdressing or else. This week I finally said NO I wont stop and I cant. I said I am sorry but I didn't choose to be this person I am but I am tired of being depressed and keeping it supressed. It is not a choice I would have made but it is part of me and I part that makes me happy. I have been told I look rediculous and I should be ashamed to be seen like that but I have so much support here and with friends that know me I can't let it get me down. I have been told she will kick me out but I feel that may be the best thing. We have been through this before but I have never stood my ground I have always purged and bowed giving up.

[Tara D. Rose]

Way to go Staci G. I would and have done about the same thing. Once your crossdressing secrte is out, well the nyou have nothing to hide. And if she wants t ogive you the ultimatum, the nyou have to stand your ground. For you ,as you said, which I can strongly relate, did not ask to be this way. You can't stop it no matter how hard you try. Stories like this go round and round on here. But never, ever, ever, give in to an ultimatum. I'ts really a bad road to be on. If your stopped dressing to keep your marriage, you would be oh so miserable, if you didn't stop and she left, well you'd would not be happy, but you just may be better off. ...L&R .Tara

[ReineD]

I'm glad you were honest with your wife about what you can and cannot do. I think there are many CDers who, like you in the past, would wish to minimize how much they need to CD just to keep peace in the family. Unfortunately this is like applying a band-aid. Eventually, the band-aid has to come off in the shower.

In the interest of perhaps saving your marriage, can you give a few more details?

Do you know exactly what your wife objects to? Is it the idea that you CD, or is it more concrete, such as the fear that everyone will find out if you go out in public, or maybe the fear that once you've established boundaries, your desire to dress will increase to the point of wanting to dress every day and perhaps a fear that your male self will eventually disappear.

Sometimes when wives say "no", they are projecting something they fear in the future rather than just looking at the reality of their husband expressing themselves a few times per week, in a way to keep it private from family, friends, and co-workers.

What are your intentions with the CDing? Would you like to come out to everyone at this point and perhaps begin to live a significant part of your life as Staci?

I don't know if you and your wife have ever sat down to hammer out details, or if it just has never got past the point of objecting over the basic concept of the black and white, to CD or not to CD. There are some middle grounds.

[Staci G]

Well all good questions. I know the answers too. She says in Deuteronomy 22:5 it is an abomination for me to wear women's clothes. It is a sick disgusting thing for a man to do. I will have to answer to God for it, and it is the reason we have trouble in our lives (money,and every other kind imaginabl) oh did I mention her mother her brother and his gf live in our house? Anyway she hates every aspect of cd and thinks we are all perverse sick gay men. Sorry for the semi rant just answering the questions in her words

[sara.s]

Your wife may be interested in http://www.humanistsofutah.org/2002/WhyCantIOwnACanadian_10-02.html.

[Brenda79135]

Deuteronomy 22:5. This is a big sticking point with most people when it comes to CDing. My wife brought this up also when I came out to her. There are other laws in Deuteronomy that have to followed as well. One is that she has to leave the house hold once a month due to her being unclean. How does that float your boat. Jesus came to release us from the sins of the Old Testiment for no one person can live without breaking a least one of the laws. Jesus said the way to the father is through him. Whoever believes in Jesus has a path to the father.

If you are yourself comfortable CDing then you are closer to being the way Jesus wanted you. Happy. He did not say that you have to suffer on earth to make your way into heaven. He said accept your fiollow man as a brother or sister and share the news of Him to them. Be kink to everyone that is around you for they too have sinned and are in the same boat as you.

Now that you have taken the first steps on your way to happy, maybe you can invite your SO for the journey. She may not like the way of getting to happiness but so often Jesus and the Lord will put objects in your way just so that you know that life is not a cake walk. They won't but anything in your way that you can't handle, but just enough to test you faith in Them.

[Adriennegrl]

Deuteronomy 22:5. This is a big sticking point with most people when it comes to CDing. My wife brought this up also when I came out to her. There are other laws in Deuteronomy that have to followed as well. One is that she has to leave the house hold once a month due to her being unclean. How does that float your boat. Jesus came to release us from the sins of the Old Testiment for no one person can live without breaking a least one of the laws. Jesus said the way to the father is through him. Whoever believes in Jesus has a path to the father.

If you are yourself comfortable CDing then you are closer to being the way Jesus wanted you. Happy. He did not say that you have to suffer on earth to make your way into heaven. He said accept your fiollow man as a brother or sister and share the news of Him to them. Be kink to everyone that is around you for they too have sinned and are in the same boat as you.

Now that you have taken the first steps on your way to happy, maybe you can invite your SO for the journey. She may not like the way of getting to happiness but so often Jesus and the Lord will put objects in your way just so that you know that life is not a cake walk. They won't but anything in your way that you can't handle, but just enough to test you faith in Them.

Amen! And to add to that, so much gets twisted through translation!

[ReineD]

Well all good questions. I know the answers too. She says in Deuteronomy 22:5 it is an abomination for me to wear women's clothes. It is a sick disgusting thing for a man to do. I will have to answer to God for it, and it is the reason we have trouble in our lives (money,and every other kind imaginabl) oh did I mention her mother her brother and his gf live in our house? Anyway she hates every aspect of cd and thinks we are all perverse sick gay men. Sorry for the semi rant just answering the questions in her words

I do hear you. That's too bad. It's hard to change someone's mind when their reasons are religious.

I'm going to say something now that I hope will not offend our more religious members. Please this is not license to start a debate about whether God does or does not approve ... those of you who enjoy debating can do this in the religious section.

That said, I know that it is also possible for people to hide "behind" things. For example, it is not unheard of when a wife who doesn't want to do something with her husband says it is because the kids need her. Or a husband who doesn't want to do something with his wife might convince himself he has too much work to do. Likewise, I think it is entirely possible that some wives use the Deuteronomy excuse because they do not want to face the issue, or face their own fears and the fact they might have to make some compromises. I know there are people who truly believe it to be against God's will, but there are also many people who are religious and who also acknowledge there are CDers who need to express themselves. They may not fully approve and jump for joy, but at least they will give allowances for the time and the space to dress, even if they do not get involved.

[Kittykitty]

So sorry to hear of your troubles. Hopefully you can find common ground to work from. Breaking down the issues might help. Things aren't always as huge as they seem at first. Divide it up into small, manageable chunks and see if you can work from there.

Regarding the religious angle. Jesus taught one golden rule, everything else can be thrown away. Love is the driving force behind divinity. I hope your marriage finds a way to affirm it's deep rooted love. Love is all that really matters.

Edit = You ARE very pretty by the way.

[Jason+]

Staci,

You reach a point where you have to decide how much of yourself you are willing to compromise for the benefit of other people. Divorce sucks, and if I had know enough about me to have told my first wife it would just have been more ammunition for her. My current wife asked me if I could stop dressing. The answer I gave her was that I could but I could never stop wanting to. I could not promise that over time I would not become bitter and unhappy over it. She asked me if I had to choose between it and her what I would do. I answered her that I would miss her more than anything but it was a battle that she lost long before I met her when I was 12. I am not sure if it was a prelude to an ultimatum but one was never given.

ReineD's point about the possibility of her stated objections being a shield is very interesting. I know for a time at my house it was a lot easier for her to be mad at me about the clothing than whatever it may have been that she was really mad at me about. Hopefully, at least assuming you still want to work on things with her, now that you have stepped across the proverbial line in the sand she will re-evaluate her position. If it's truly a religious objection whether blind or not it's pretty hard to change that mindset.

[eluuzion]

I think most people view relationships as an agreement to "share". Most expect that a relationship will require compromise and negotiation. Most also have the expectation that fairness will govern the process.

I feel that negotiating is a healthy, constructive component of interacting with any "partner". The compromise objective shared by both parties is a means of arriving at a "Win/Win" outcome that both agree is an acceptable resolution.

I feel issuing ultimatums changes the compromise objective into a control objective. It changes the resolution into a "Win/Lose" outcome. An ultimatum is a ploy to take control over a negotiation and attempt to force your "opponent" to accept YOUR terms or conditions. (Typically favorable to you and not to them). The objective is to instill panic in your opponent by issuing an "All or Nothing" ultimatum, which causes them to accept your offer and abandon their own.
The goal is to "win" and also to set a precedent with your partner.

The problem with this approach in a relationship is that agreeing to an ultimatum from a partner creates the impression of being a "loser". Unless you enjoy being the "sub" in an "Dom/Sub" relationship, you may not end up being a happy camper in the future, lol. Being the "loser" can lead to feelings of resentment, anger, self-esteem issues and a host of other negative feelings toward your partner and the relationship.

An ultimatum is also a sign that you may be dealing with a person that is willing to just "walk away" anytime they encounter an issue where they cannot get "their way". Not exactly my idea of an ideal partner, :sad:

Setting jointly agreed upon boundaries and limits, and then breaking them later is one matter. Issuing ultimatums and defining rules for unacceptable behavior at the time it occurs, in favor of your best interest at the time...is an entirely different matter.

As for the "religion perspective" on just about everything...

"No man ever believes that the Bible means what it says: He is always convinced that it says what he means."
--George Bernard Shaw

Just my opinions...

good luck!!

:love:

[VioletJourney]

Sounds like you have to choose between 2 women: Staci and your wife. Only you know enough about yourself to make that choice.

[GaleWarning]

Sounds to me as if you need to decide how much you care about your wife, your marriage and your children (if you have any).

Take your time ... ask yourself how you are going to feel when your wife meets someone new, your kids get married and don't bother to invite you to join the celebrations, and your grand kids come along and you are forbidden to have any contact with them. Ask yourself if you can afford the finanacial loss you will cetainly incur when you separate. Ask yourself ....

Leave in haste, repent at leisure.

Now is the time to hurry slowly .... ask yourself, "What if?" and ponder long ....