How to find the balance- Between our feminine and male sides

[Adriennegrl]

I'm guessing this has been addressed but didn't see it when I read back a ways.

My question arises from the recent transformation that I'm currently working on. I've hid/fought my CD so many times in the past but now it's my time. I've been on a research rampage and am building up my collection as I can afford to. I tend to tackle issues in life w/ the same vigor, must be my OCD ;)

Just tonight a good male friend made the comment, "If you even wear a bra it's off"... meaning our friendship. Of course he has no idea of my CD and made the comment in jest. I can't remember the context exactly but know we were talking about women. Sure, it's an ugly statement to make but he's not wired like we are; doesn't excuse it by any means but...

So.... how do we balance our feminine and male sides? I can 'put on a front' while w/ the guys but is that the answer?

Arghhh.... if it could only be easier. That comment took a little wind out of my sails and I need your perspective.

[ReineD]

I'm not a CD. But, I have a CD SO who has reached a point with her self-expression where she can switch back and forth easily and at will and who truly has found a balance with it all, in my opinion. She goes out frequently dressed and it doesn't take her any longer to get ready than it takes me. She knows people who do not know her guy side and many people in his guy life do not know about his femme self, but at the same time he is happy in guy mode. His only complaint is that it would be much easier if we lived in an urban area with more things to do.

Anyway, the best advice I have and this comes from direct observation of my SO, is to simply be secure in who you are. If as a male there are things you enjoy doing that up til now you've told yourself is too girly, then ignore all of that and just do them, for example, going to see a ballet and not hiding the fact that you enjoy ballet. Or cooking. Or whatever. If when you talk to your male friends the subject of fashion comes up for example, and you have an opinion, give it. Don't be afraid. If one of your male friends talks about a woman, or treats a woman in a way that you disapprove of, then say something to him.

This will accomplish two things: first, eventually you'll discover that your male friends do have a higher tolerance than you may think, for people who think a little differently than they do. Second, if you discover that you can be true to your inner spirit while spending time with them, and you feel they still will like and respect you, you won't feel such a conflict about having to "put up a front" with them, as you say.

And if you do feel comfortable while in guy mode being a person who is more sensitive than the rest of your friends, then hopefully you will not wish to dress in order to "escape" guyhood, but instead you'll dress just when you feel like it and you will have achieved balance, since in guy mode you won't feel as if you are being untrue to who you are.

Does this make sense? Anyway, this is what I perceive my SO has done. :)

[Adriennegrl]

I'm not a CD. But, I have a CD SO who has reached a point with her self-expression where she can switch back and forth easily and at will and who truly has found a balance with it all, in my opinion. She goes out frequently dressed and it doesn't take her any longer to get ready than it takes me. She knows people who do not know her guy side and many people in his guy life do not know about his femme self, but at the same time he is happy in guy mode. His only complaint is that it would be much easier if we lived in an urban area with more things to do.

Anyway, the best advice I have and this comes from direct observation of my SO, is to simply be secure in who you are. If as a male there are things you enjoy doing that up til now you've told yourself is too girly, then ignore all of that and just do them, for example, going to see a ballet and not hiding the fact that you enjoy ballet. Or cooking. Or whatever. If when you talk to your male friends the subject of fashion comes up for example, and you have an opinion, give it. Don't be afraid. If one of your male friends talks about a woman, or treats a woman in a way that you disapprove of, then say something to him.

This will accomplish two things: first, eventually you'll discover that your male friends do have a higher tolerance than you may think, for people who think a little differently than they do. Second, if you discover that you can be true to your inner spirit while spending time with them, and you feel they still will like and respect you, you won't feel such a conflict about having to "put up a front" with them, as you say.

And if you do feel comfortable while in guy mode being a person who is more sensitive than the rest of your friends, then hopefully you will not wish to dress in order to "escape" guyhood, but instead you'll dress just when you feel like it and you will have achieved balance, since in guy mode you won't feel as if you are being untrue to who you are.

Does this make sense? Anyway, this is what I perceive my SO has done. :)

Thanks, I needed to hear that :) Great perspective, especially coming from a GG and your SO's viewpoint. I will take heed and find my balance, hopefully soon. I have to say, his comment threw me off. I can usually be all in guy mode around them but your suggestions go way beyond hiding it.

Thanks!

[JiveTurkeyOnRye]

It's hard to really know without the context how he meant it. Was he saying it like, he's so frustrated with women at the moment that he'd even stop being friends with you, someone who is fully male in his mind, if you started wearing a bra? Because in that case, I can see it being not all that ugly an intended comment and more joking in nature. It may have just seemed harsh because you are hyper aware of your secret more than he is.

I had a friend who always made cracks about transvestites and drag queens and stuff before I came out but who could not have been more supportive and cool about it when I did.

However, if you feel like you have to "put on a front" about yourself in order to maintain your friendships I think it's possibly a good idea to consider the cost/return of such relationships.

[Adriennegrl]

It's hard to really know without the context how he meant it. Was he saying it like, he's so frustrated with women at the moment that he'd even stop being friends with you, someone who is fully male in his mind, if you started wearing a bra? Because in that case, I can see it being not all that ugly an intended comment and more joking in nature. It may have just seemed harsh because you are hyper aware of your secret more than he is.

I had a friend who always made cracks about transvestites and drag queens and stuff before I came out but who could not have been more supportive and cool about it when I did.

However, if you feel like you have to "put on a front" about yourself in order to maintain your friendships I think it's possibly a good idea to consider the cost/return of such relationships.

More good points. I think it's more because I'm hyper sensitive. It seems like a likely scenario that you faced w/ your friend who made cracks. I believe our friendship is solid and he'd be supportive, but that's conjecture...

But yes, if I ever did come out and he was serious, I'd say adios as hard as it'd be...

[Karren H]

Get married!! You will get balance in your life. Whether you want it or not!

[Adriennegrl]

Get married!! You will get balance in your life. Whether you want it or not!

Hah! I'm still trying to figure out the dating scene in my mid 30's...lol

[Jonianne]

Certainly, I don't reccomend this for every cd'er, but the freinds, both male and female, in my life have been close enough that I have been able to share the fact that I am an occasional crossdresser. The timing and the atmosphere of the situation has to be just right, you don't typically just blab it out to a group of guys all at once. Ususally one on one in an open moment. When I have done this, I have had them share personal things with me as well, that they felt they could not tell anyone, including a couple of them who told me they have crossdressed themselves.

Everyone who knows me more than surface, knows this about me (I've shared photos, too) and I've never lost a friend. Also it is so wonderful to know I don't have to keep secrets. If you have been able to earn the respect of people in other areas of your life, chances are that they will still respect you if you share it in an appropiate setting.

In line with what Reine just said, I had a good therapist tell me that she would have never guessed I was a cd'er. That it might be better to let myself be seen as not being so overly masculine all the time, but to let some of my feminitity be expressed so that it wouldn't be such a shock to those who could find out. From that point on, I started wearing some items that I liked, that most macho guys wouldn't touch, even though those items weren't necessarly womens.

[ReineD]

Thanks, I needed to hear that :) Great perspective, especially coming from a GG and your SO's viewpoint. I will take heed and find my balance, hopefully soon. I have to say, his comment threw me off. I can usually be all in guy mode around them but your suggestions go way beyond hiding it.

Thanks!

Yes! :) The goal is to reach a point where you simply feel comfortable in your skin, no matter what you are wearing. Others may refer to the process as integration, or not having such a hard internal divide between your femme and your guy personae. It may take a concerted effort and time to accomplish this, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

[Jonianne]

Yes! :) The goal is to reach a point where you simply feel comfortable in your skin, no matter what you are wearing. Others may refer to the process as integration, or not having such a hard internal divide between your femme and your guy personae. It may take a concerted effort and time to accomplish this, but I think it will be worth it in the end.

That is exactly what is needed!!!

[Karren H]

Hah! I'm still trying to figure out the dating scene in my mid 30's...lol

Dating is easy!! Just find someone who wears the same size clothes you do and marry her!! Its what I did and after 35 years of bliss.... I now wear the smaller size? Lol.

[Adriennegrl]

That is exactly what is needed!!!

I second that and thanks for you're viewpoint too. Y'all are great!

[Adriennegrl]

Dating is easy!! Just find someone who wears the same size clothes you do and marry her!! Its what I did and after 35 years of bliss.... I now wear the smaller size? Lol.

Well I am talking to a lady who wears the same band size (I snuck the question in at the right time)... but she's overseas now. Hmm....

[suchacutie]

With me it's a slow evolution of life so that my guy self is happy doing guy things, and Tina has time and space to do her things.

My vision is that it's something like training my eyebrows. I've been at it 5 years and I finally have a nice arch, one that is still arching a bit more as we speak :). It didn't happen overnight, and no one except my wife has noticed (co-conspirator that she is!). If you are at all like me, you want some time in both genders. Keep assessing your life and slowly diminish what gets in the way of what you want. It will likely arrive in fits and starts, but if you are aware of where you want to go, you'll take the opportunities for change when they arrive!

good luck!

tina