SO Participation - Too far too fast?

[tblaire]

I have been cross-dressing for years and my wife of 3 years is accepting of who I am. I am trying to come up with boundaries and asking for advice so we don't go too far too fast. We were only married for 2 months when I "came out" to her. At first, she thought it might be fun and we tried to dress me up together and it turned into a disaster in the middle of painting my nails. She already had makeup on me, but I still looked like a guy since I had no wig at the time. She shut down completely and instituted a "don't ask, don't tell" policy until recently. For the past few months, I have been able to dress in the house with her in another room and she has had no contact with me during that time. Just this past weekend, I was dressed and she saw me and interacted with me for a couple of hours. This time, she was ok with seeing me trying on some clothes that she handed down to me, but again, I had no makeup and no wig.

My question is How Far is Too Far...and how fast is too fast?
This was a huge step for her this past weekend and it made me feel fantastic - I can only hope she wants more as I do. I don't want her to shut-down again.

Does anyone have any suggestions for bringing her into my world slowly but where we can both be happy?

-T. Blaire

[boardpuppy]

We can't (the girls on the forum) tell you and your SO what is to far, to fast; that is something your SO and you have to establish with honest communiocations. What works for one of us, doesn't always work for the other.

[Alice B]

I have to agree that communication is the key. Once I came out to my wife we established rules that I could dress when she was away at work and at times at home in the same situation as yours. Over time, as she became comfortable with my dressing and she would sometimes join me downstairs in my office. Then it was OK for me to dress and go out once in a while to a local bar. This has progressed to where I am able to go away for a week to DLV, keep my body shaved and toe nails painted most of the time. All of this has taken a few years, but always with discussion, honesty and nothing behind her back. When I dress it is complete with make up, forms and wig. Where the two of you end up is something only the two of you can decide. Just be open and honest and good luck.

[suchacutie]

In my case, since we discovered Tina together, we both have an immense curiosity about what part my femme side plays in our life. As a result the whole idea is to "make a life for Tina" that is separate and distinct from my masculine self. Also, that mutual curiosity has meant my wife is an active participant in asking Tina all about herself and how she feels about anything and everything. We are still quite protective of Tina in the local area, so that generates boundries, but they are nothing short of practical realities of our life.

The key is a sharing of feelings about your femme side from and to your wife. You might ask her if she isn't curious about that part of you, since it is a part of who you are. Even if she says she isn't curious at the moment, the seed will be planted. You can never anticipate how and when it might grow!

good luck, but make the luck happen with communication!

tina

[Jaelle]

As an SO, I have to say that communication is key. If she seems to shutdown when you introduce something new, then back off. Let her decide how much she wants to interact with you and how far she wants to take it, but also talk about boundaries and what she is comfortable with right now. When an SO is first told and we jump right in with both feet, it's us trying to be supportive even though we are uncomfortable and unsure of what it all means. Once we have time to process things, it can really send us for a loop. I know that many of us morn the loss of what we perceive as the man in our lives. Especially in the beginning when we have no clue about things.

[Eryn]

The others have said you need to talk about this with your wife. Together you can figure out exactly how far you want to go. You really want to avoid surprises.

[Karren H]

You could try to bring her back into your world but once she did the 180.... Coming back has to be really hard for her, imho. I wouldn't push it too hard else her next reaction may involve a lawyer!! I'd be happy she didn't divorce my ass and take everything I owned if I were you. But that's just me...

[tblaire]

Thanks for all the advice and giving me some direction in my endeavor. I agree that communication is a huge factor.
I love my wife, I love being married and sharing myself with her, and I love cross-dressing. Thanks again for helping the newb.

[Rianna Humble]

I have been cross-dressing for years and my wife of 3 years is accepting of who I am.
...
For the past few months, I have been able to dress in the house with her in another room and she has had no contact with me during that time. Just this past weekend, I was dressed and she saw me and interacted with me for a couple of hours. This time, she was ok with seeing me trying on some clothes that she handed down to me, but again, I had no makeup and no wig.

My question is How Far is Too Far...and how fast is too fast?

I think that this weekend was evidence of your wife reaching out to you to show that she still loves all of you. This probably isn't easy for her, so I would suggest you look for something you can do to show how much you appreciated the time she spent with you whilst you were dressed and then turn that into an opportunity to ask her how she feels about the whole subject.

Please remember, though, that this is not an argument that you have to win, this is about you listening to her feelings and answering her questions as honestly as possible. If the two of you are able to discuss on this level, I feel sure you will be able to work out a way forward that meets your desire to have her involved in this part of your life without her feeling she is being pushed into something she feels uncomfortable with.

[Veronica Lacey]

Without reading the other posts all I can think of is to keep communications open for your wife on this topic. Consider accepting that it could take many years to reach a position where you feel you have what you desire or you may not get there at all.

And don't forget about the other wonderful things in a marriage that extend beyond your dressing :)

[DonnaT]

My wife handles my dressing a whole lot better when I don't wear a wig and/or makeup. It's more about the clothes for me, than trying to look like a woman, so not wearing a wig or makeup around my wife works for me/us.