Don't Know Why

[ChristinaXOXO]

Hello Girls! I'm new to this forum and I would just love to share my story to all of you and hopefully even get some advice too!

It all started when I was about the age of 4, I saw a pair of my mom's boots on the shoe rack and at the time I was curious to try it on. I honestly couldn't remember why I did do it but anyways later on in the years around 8 I stumbled upon her long silky black satin gloves and omg they're we're soooo soft and smooth that I took them and shoved it into my pillow sheets and when it was night, I would wear them. During these times of vaguely remembering wearing women's lingerie, I was never caught so I guess I was lucky?

A few years come by later around the age of 13-16, I began to take a liking into women's lingerie even more to the point that I get a erection for like... god knows how long but, this is where it all went downhill. I'm not sure some of you did it but remember back in the days when you were around your teenage years and you would hang-out or visit your friends house and you would see either some nice pair of heels or boots just lying around or... you possibly sneaked into their sister or mothers room to check-out what they had. I honestly lost count of how many heels I took or lingerie (also took some from boxes lying around in our neighborhood) but anyways, my mom caught me when I was 14 and I must say, it must of been the worst experience ever. When she found the black pvc heels she asked where did I get it and I just blurted it out I got it from a donation store (while talking to her when she found out her expression was shocked/angry) and her tone was literally loud. Then she almost forced me to the wear the heels but I was too scared at the time because I didn't know what to do. Suddenly, she starts slapping me with the platform of the heel and that has left me 2 scars on my hand. Never again I wanted to search the feminine side of myself. Honestly, I couldn't help myself when I turned 16. This stupid urge needed to try on lingerie kept coming back like every time when I see a girl wore heels, hose, stockings, it would make me want to try it on. This urge kept growing stronger when I stopped at 14 and 15 so... screw it I had enough money saved up, I budgeted myself what to wear and was never caught until 17.

17 was probably the prime-time of my life where high-school was almost done and had to move on with life. The last time I was caught CDing was when the parents we're gone (dad also knew about my cding not just mom) and I bolted to my box of clothes to enjoy the feeling of it. Then suddenly they came back 10 minutes later that they forgot to grab something and I'm all fully dressed in the hallways! Dad in shocked but he was cool about it and told me to undress myself and asked me to talk to him tonight. We've had few discussions here in there talking about if I was gay and no I wasn't because I have no interest in guys and would never be. He also politely asked me to refrain from doing this because he is afraid that my little brother would wonder why is he wearing girls clothes. I asked him is there something wrong with wearing women's clothes and he said yes because obviously they are for women and then I replied back then why can women wear men's clothes? He didn't say anything so then I asked if he supports it and I was surprised he said yes but your mom isn't. I told him it's very hard to refrain myself and I do not know why but I will try my best (which I really did but I couldn't.) also my mother was 100% NOT supportive and she told me she would throw all the clothes she finds. I could never talk to her because she is so afraid of me and I remember one night that it made her cry which made me so guilty and... burdened

Last but not least 18 came. I still had a few clothes lying around and... I got caught again. This time she just threw it all away and said nothing. From this very day I never bought a single piece of clothing because I figured it was a waste of money and this urge would never stop which I hated. Yes I had visited therapy and it didn't do shit because the doctors kept thinking I'm gay which I am not also thought I was suicidal which is dumb. Now I know I am new to this forum but this stupid question coming from my head always comes to me when I CD. Why am I doing this? Why do I keep coming back to this? Why do I feel so guilty wearing this? etc, etc Why do I do it? I hated these questions because I couldn't answer them or better yet couldn't find the answer to it.

Hopefully, when I hit 19 I can move-out cause I have enough saved up and believe me I cannot talk it out with my mom because she is the type of person who holds grudges to the very end. If you read this whole thing I greatly appreciated, I was just wanted to vent something out because... I really felt alone as Christina and just wanted to share something that's been hidden inside of me for so long.

-Christina

[Karren H]

Oh yeah!!! No one can really answer them with any certainty. I know I can't and really don't care why any more!! Not worth the time and effort to search for something that wouldn't change your life going forward.... Great introduction and welcome to the fray!! :)

[DonnaT]

Why am I doing this? Why do I keep coming back to this? Why do I feel so guilty wearing this? etc, etc Why do I do it?
You do it because you are transgender. Transgender means you have this need which none of us know for sure where it comes from. Note however, that there are a number of people who are Intersex. They have genes which can cause them to have various appearances (visible or not), etc. that are a mix of being male or female. If this can happen to the human body, it can surely happen to the human mind. And like there are various forms of Intersex, there are various forms of transgender.

It will never go away, if one is indeed transgender, so quitting is usually futile, and most everyone who is trans will come back to it.

You probably feel guilty because of how you were raised, especially in view of your mother's actions. Many many years ago, people who were left handed were made to feel guilty for that, and were made to use their right hands. This caused a number of them to stress out, and some to even develop a stutter. Since they were born with the genetic predisposition to be left handed, they shouldn't have been made to feel guilty about it. The same holds tru for being trans. We are born this way, and shouldn't feel guilty for how we were born. We had no choice.

It's time to accept who you are and bury the guilt. You did not choose to be trans. Your wearing of your mother's things did not make you trans. You were born this way.

[Jeanna]

Don't worry, I'm 46 and still ponder as to why. I've come to the conclusion that I love it and as long as there is chocolate around, I won't quit it either!

[GingerLeigh]

Nobody knows for certain why we do this. If I could stop crossdressing I would. My life is a funny twisting bumpy road that led me to where I am. Because of my shame and my choices, I can't live openly like so many others here do. I would if I could.

I too started dressing very early, and tried to stop many many times. I never got caught though. That sucks that you did and you must be more careful. Police up your stuff before leaving the room, make a note of what you took out and double check to make sure it is safely stowed away. Dress only when you KNOW you will be alone etc... I'm probably one of the most PARANOID crossdressers here, well that could be debated. I think most of us are all a little paranoid when we have a personal secret.

Now if you're truly "transgendered" like the rest of us and feeling shame, the best thing to do is to hang around here for awhile. You'll see that there are many people just like you, and you can talk to them. You are definitely NOT alone. You'll find that they can help with the shame you feel associated with crossdressing, and maybe even accept what you are. The sooner you are able to shrug off the shame, the sooner you can get on with your life. Shame will be a bit player in it. Crossdressing is not a big deal or a problem. People thinking it is a big deal is the problem.

Anyway, just my two cents...

Ginger

[CynthiaD]

Don't worry about why. Nobody really knows the answer to that. Just be proud of who you are.

Because of your circumstances, you might have to make some compromises to get along, but this won't last much longer. Soon you will be on your own and be able to live your life as you choose.

Be strong.

CK

[ChristinaXOXO]

Thanks for all your replies everyone!

[Meredy]

I felt the same way at that age, and had been caught by my mom multiple times during my teens with my moms, and sisters clothes. I furiously denied that I had anything to do with the stuff in my drawer, but the stuff would keep showing up there.

I then tried to stiffel that part of my through my 20's and thirties, but cracks still appeared and I would dress when I knew I wouldn't get caught. But I was caught by my girlfriend, and she called me a freak. But she stayed with me and we became a don't ask, don't tell (or get caught) relationship, that did not work well either and I left her. She wrote a nasty letter to me and blamed all our problems on me, never occurred to her that telling me, "she could kill me and get away with it." might have been part of it.

When I met someone new, and saw that we were going someplace, I told her that I had crossdressed when I was younger. I wanted to at least let her know I had a history.
We were together for 5 years and married before I started to get the urges again.

About that time I started to fall into a funk that lasted 2 years before I realized I was depressed, and it did terrible damage to our marriage. I don't know if the depression was because of trying to suppress that part of me, or the release of that part of me has helped me to pull myself back to a halfway normal state, but I'm getting better now.

Even though my wife and I are on the outs now, I still told her a few weeks ago about my crossdressing. Again, I don't know if I told hoping it would open some communication between us, give her a reason to leave, or I just needed to open that closet door and try to talk to somebody about what I was going through. But none of those happened. I still don't know where the marraige stands and there are many issues at this moment. She has said she was an accepting person, but 5 minutes after I told her it was like I had never said anything to her.

What I'm hoping the moral of my story is, You have to be who you are, and fighting may work, may work for a little while, or you could just fight a losing battle. You need to be honest with yourself about who you are and honest with a person you invite into your intimate life from the beginning. That way you can explore in a loving atmosphere, or know that you are evading a problem further down the road.

Not all may agree with me, I'm just giving you my 45 years of experience.

[ChristinaXOXO]

I figured fighting it is not working lol. I'm still a little bit in denial of myself and I don't know why I haven't accepted yet and maybe its because I have temporarily stopped myself from CDing due to family issues.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Christina, Crossdressing is kinda like the Mafia you can't just quit it will hunt you down and get you.

Orchid

[Jill Devine]

Don't focus on the WHY question. There is no definitive answer. Focus on WHY NOT.
Enjoy your life one step at a time.

[ChristinaXOXO]

Thanks for the advice Jill, I'll try!

[joanna4]

I read the whole thing Christina. It was really touching to say the least. You were in a difficult place and now you're free. If its something you can't help then do as I and many others did and accept it. It will make you happy:)

[ChristinaXOXO]

Hey joanna, thanks for reading! I'm not free yet =( still another half a year.

[Cynthia Anne]

I was one of those left handed kids! Being forced to change does not work! So wecome to a friendly place where the the only thing you need to change is your dress! And a pair of heels to match! Hugs!

[Nikki A.]

LIke the others said, don't bother with the whys. It is in some ways who you are. You're lucky in some ways, when I was growing up there was no internet or support groups like this. I thought I was the only one.
You've got your life ahead of you, bide your time and the opportunities to be you will come. Best of luck

[joanna4]

Hey joanna, thanks for reading! I'm not free yet =( still another half a year.
I'm sorry, I'm also not free yet, if that helps:)

[Jane G]

Christina

Thanks for posting and welcome to the fold. There are many of us who went through what you have described at a similar age. I'm pretty sure the guilt you feel is because your mom does not accept your crossdressing. It may take a long time but she almost certainly will one day, moms do. As you say your 19 and you can do what you want now. If you feel you should move away and find your own space your probably right. Lifes a big journey of discovering things people places and most importantly yourself. Never forget your routes though they will always be there. Good luck and welcome again.

[Claire Cook]

Why do I keep coming back to this? Why do I feel so guilty wearing this? etc, etc Why do I do it? I hated these questions because I couldn't answer them or better yet couldn't find the answer to it.
-Christina

With apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein:

"Who can explain it? Who can tell you why? Fools give you reasons; Wise men never try."

Guilt is one of the worst things we deal with. For me, accepting myself -- and not trying to figure it out -- got rid of a lot of it. What do we have to be guilty about? My guilt has turned into a certain amount of pride -- yes, I'm proud that I can wear female clothes (albeit perhaps strangely)

[AmandaBlack]

Hey Christina, I read your intro...I'm sure your experiences growing up are quite similar to others here. I didn't start until I was in my 20's and married...wife just had all this sexy lingerie around and one day...bam! But that's another story. Bottom line is, I'm closeted and I'm fine with that because I know otherwise it would do damage. So...I only dress when I know I can and I'm ok with that. I've asked the "why" question too of course and thought "holy shit I'm a freak!" Then along came the internet back in the early 90s and what do ya know, there's a whole lot out there than just me.
If it's going to hurt relationships, then just dress when you can. Saying you'll quit or trying to suppress will only hurt you. Accept yourself and move along with life.

[KarenS]

I really felt alone as Christina and just wanted to share something that's been hidden inside of me for so long.
-Christina

Most of us have had similar feelings. I read your story - full length, and enjoyed it.

Welcome.

[ChristinaXOXO]

Hey Christina, I read your intro...I'm sure your experiences growing up are quite similar to others here. I didn't start until I was in my 20's and married...wife just had all this sexy lingerie around and one day...bam! But that's another story. Bottom line is, I'm closeted and I'm fine with that because I know otherwise it would do damage. So...I only dress when I know I can and I'm ok with that. I've asked the "why" question too of course and thought "holy shit I'm a freak!" Then along came the internet back in the early 90s and what do ya know, there's a whole lot out there than just me.
If it's going to hurt relationships, then just dress when you can. Saying you'll quit or trying to suppress will only hurt you. Accept yourself and move along with life.

Yahhh thats how exactly I felt when I was 17. I would purge all my belonging saying I'll quit and the urge to dress again kept coming back even stronger!


Christina

Thanks for posting and welcome to the fold. There are many of us who went through what you have described at a similar age. I'm pretty sure the guilt you feel is because your mom does not accept your crossdressing. It may take a long time but she almost certainly will one day, moms do. As you say your 19 and you can do what you want now. If you feel you should move away and find your own space your probably right. Lifes a big journey of discovering things people places and most importantly yourself. Never forget your routes though they will always be there. Good luck and welcome again.

Hey thanks Jane for reading, yeah I probably think its because of my mom that this is making it difficult. Also because of the past memories and like to a point where you make your mom cry when you CD it really does... bring you down rock bottom. Also im 18 but I mentioned when I turn 19, yeah I can probably then do what I want haha

@Karen, thanks for reading!
@Claire, gosh I really hate the feeling of guilt it's so annoying thinking about it and it would probably take me some time to accept myself as well.

[ChristinaXOXO]

Sigh... I wish I could dress up but I can't =( I miss the feeling of the softness, smooth clothes.

[Samantha_Smile]

My word! Make sure you dont keep an internet history on your computer, I wouldn't like your mom to find this place.

My guess is your guilt is derived from the negative feedback that you recieve from your parents. If you had positive re-enforcement, you wouldn't feel guilty. Thats the good thing about this place- Positive re-enforcement.

Christina, the truth of the matter is we can't tell you why you do this, that's something you have to work out for yourself.
Some questions that may help you to this conclusion;
-Are you happy in your body/do you wish to undergo an SRS procedure or begin hormone therapy?
-Do you do this for sexual pleasure?
-Do you do this for comfort?
-Do you just want to feel pretty?
-What specifically do you enjoy? <- Analyze

My advice is that while youre at your parents home, you should pay respect to their wishes.
But if you absolutely have to do this, and your parents show no sign of acceptance/tollerance then a speaker box/guitar amp is a great place to hide a few items.

Best wishes x

[ChristinaXOXO]

My word! Make sure you dont keep an internet history on your computer, I wouldn't like your mom to find this place.

My guess is your guilt is derived from the negative feedback that you recieve from your parents. If you had positive re-enforcement, you wouldn't feel guilty. Thats the good thing about this place- Positive re-enforcement.

Christina, the truth of the matter is we can't tell you why you do this, that's something you have to work out for yourself.
Some questions that may help you to this conclusion;
-Are you happy in your body/do you wish to undergo an SRS procedure or begin hormone therapy?
-Do you do this for sexual pleasure?
-Do you do this for comfort?
-Do you just want to feel pretty?
-What specifically do you enjoy? <- Analyze

My advice is that while youre at your parents home, you should pay respect to their wishes.
But if you absolutely have to do this, and your parents show no sign of acceptance/tollerance then a speaker box/guitar amp is a great place to hide a few items.

Best wishes x

Hey Smile, thanks for reading.

- No I wouldn't wish to go under SRS or HRT and I happy with my body
- Sometimes I do it for sexual pleasure but mostly it is for comfort and enjoying the feeling you get out of CDing like... just even putting on a piece of any garment you have this conscious telling you to keep going? I don't know it's quite vague for me to explain at this point in time.

My mom literally does a search in my room every week to find anything which is quite ridiculous so I'm just waiting until I move out. Again, I'm new to this forum and just wanted to seek some advice because there are many people here who probably have gone through this as well but anyways thanks for reading Smile!

-Christina xo

[terrianncd]

Relax, be who you are and try to not let others tell you what is right or wrong. This is hard I know...don't I know. My mom most likely started me down the path I'm on, although one has to enjoy the path to stay on it. I am the youngest of three, all male. She really wanted a girl and so I became that for her as she would dress me up in over the top girly dresses. How I wish I had those dresses today...or remakes that would fit! I still really enjoy putting a really Sissy outfit with all the bows and ribbons and lace socks and Mary Janes. It's a fetish outfit for sure, but I enjoy it and I'm hurting no one, so no harm no foul.

[ChristinaXOXO]

Aww lucky you that you have such a wonderful mum!