Question about coming out with SO

[Suzy Parker]

I have been in the closet all of my life and need to come out for my own sanity and emotional well being. This is such a big part of who I am and I am tired of hiding and being ashamed. I was just wondering whether it is generally accepted more often than a realtionship ending event. I have been married for over 25 years and have done a pretty god job at being the "Man" and keeping Suzy well hidden in the closet. The kids are all of age and almost an empty nest so I am thinking this is about the right time. How did it go when you came out and do you have any advice, especially for how and what not to do or say when coming out?

[Shelly67]

I can relate to the place and quandry youre now in . However , each and everyone of us who've come out have done so probably for similar reasons or even because of questions from our partners .
In view of this perhaps you need to ask yourself some serious questions : How will my wife react to such honesty ? Is the lady a strong character , does she worry easily , and more importantly are you ready to support in a possible turbulent time ? I can guarentee , questions will come , the views will be heated thru confusion . It's only natural . And I hate to say it , after so long hiding this part of you away ( trying to see a partners point of view here ) expect disbelief and horror . Lies hurt ..... even if done so from the kindest of hearts ... When I approached my wife , I thought once it was out , then all would be well . It wasn't that easy . By goodness , the rows , the questions , the worry . We both faced emotions that we weren't ready for ....and it was hard . There were an awful lot of tears .
So if you really wish and intend to come out to her firstly , perhaps why not bring up the subject of crossdressing , perhaps speak of an item you've read . Guage her reaction ( if you don't know already ) and go very slowly .
From then on if you decide to eventually own up , please please be considerate , take it slowly . Be as kind as you can . More than anything , be supportive , show just how much she means to you .
And then be ready for tears , questions , disbelief , horror and arguments that may follow .
I'm sorry , but it's a reality crossdressers have to face up to - to come out to our partners is difficult , but it requires a manly support in its foundation and aftermath.
I often consider most of our partners have an inkling we're up to something . After all years spent together , we grow to know each other better than anyone , that also includes what hurts our loved ones the most .It could also result in pain so deep seperation may be the conclusion . Perhaps thats worth considering before you ( or indeed ) any of us venture foward and come out . Theres so much advice on here on the subject , perhaps it's worth a good read before you approach youre partner .
In the meantime , try not to stress yourself , be kind to yourself and each other . MORE importantly than anything , DO NOT think the ideal of getting caught an option to start the ball rolling . I applaud you for asking on here for advice , that in itself shows a considerate view ....
I wish you all the very best in whatever direction you choose .

[Roberta Marie]

That was the most difficult conversation that I have ever had. I had my entire speech memorized, but when I started to open my mouth, I could not remember a word of it. So, I said a quick prayer, and started by asking for her to forgive me, not for being a crossdresser, but for keeping this part of me hidden from her for almost 30 years. I then described the first time that I can remember dressing, which was when I was 7 or 8 years old. The rest just seemed to flow. Afterwards, she said that she understood why I had kept it from her, and she didn't think that there was anything to forgive, and that if I hadn't been able to stop in 45 years, that is was probably something that I would not be able to stop in the future.

Since then she has had her ups and downs about it, but is, for the most part supportive. We have gone out together shopping, to dinner, even to the theatre, many times, and we have taken a couple vacations with me en femme.

In conversations that I've had with other crossdressers and their wives about coming out, a lot of people have told me that it's a 50/50 proposition, that about half of the wives accept, and about half don't. My advice would be:

1. Be honest. Don't try to BS her. If you don't know the answer to all of her questions, tell her that you don't know.
2. Be open. While you don't want to overload her with information right away, don't hide anything from her. You're guilty of deception by ommission now. Don't compound that guilt by not being up front with her now.
3. Once you've told her about yourself, listen to her.
4. Do NOT show up for this conversation dressed. It may be some time before she is ready to see you dressed. This is not the time for shock treatment.
5. Listen to her, not with the intent of responding to what she is asking or saying, but with the intent of understanding what she is saying, and what she is feeling.
6. After you've told her, go at her pace. She may be ready to explore more, or she may need time to process it all.
7. Listen to her. Don't make this about your needs and wants, but make it about her needs and feelings.
8. Keep open communication going. And remember, the most important part of communication is listening.
9. Listen to her, and try to understand her.

Just my $.02 worth.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi good luck with the conversation

Read the link in my signature "how to tell your partner"

it will give you a lot of the information you need

It was written by one of our female members of this forum

[Alice B]

If you have been together for 25 years and the marriage has been a good one then coming out to her will not be a deal breaker and may even add to the relationship. And the odds are that she may already know or suspect. It's hard to hide your dressing for that long. What I did when coming out to my wife was to research the internet for articles that had sections that applied to me. I printed all of them, highlighted the parts that were applicable and then told my wife of my feelings and gave her the material to read and absorb. Then we sat down, discussed the material and how I felt and arrived at a working solution. Over time, as she became more at ease with my desires, I have gained greater freedoms. This worked for me, but what you do is depended upon a relationship that only you know. I will say, as many others would, that honesty is the only way to go.

[Suzy Parker]

Thank You

When the time comes I am at least hoping for tollerence. It's not like I am doing anything illegal, I am not drinking or doing drugs, although my counselour once told me the my dressing can be looked at kind of like a drug addiction due to the chemicals released in my brain that triggure a complete feeling of euphoria and peacefulness. I have brought up crossdressing in the past and did not like the response but that was some time ago. I think once I tell her a few bells will go off, I mean truly, how many men enjoy watching Say Yes to the Dress, What Not to Wear, and other shows like that.

Baby Steps, I will take it slow and easy if I get the feeling from her I can do it.

[Tina B.]

For some of us, honesty is the best policy, but not always! You know the lady, how does she feel about people that live an alternate life style, or how judgmental is she? Only you can know, either way, good luck!

[WandaRae2009]

I came out to my wife after nearly 25 years of marriage. It will be a load off of you whether it goes good or bad. Mine I would rank on the bad side. I was a rough couple of months. The feeling of your SO for all of the years of deceit may be the most difficult. Remember this side of you is part of you and that is part of what she fell in love with years ago. Going to a professional may be a good help. . I would recommend having that in hand when you come out to her. Look to local support groups for recommendations, you need to use one familiar with transgender issues. I'm sure there are still some therapists out there that feel you are "broken" and can be "fixed". Most of us here know that is not true. Going to a professional helped us deal with the whole coming out and going forward. We may not be together today without the help of a professional. Using the old Boy Scout Motto "Be Prepared" by having publications, websites, pamphlets or what every you SO would be comfortable with

Good Luck. Be assured you can always come here for support, and our thoughts will be with you. Many of us have been where you are.

[ArleneRaquel]

During my 33 year marraige I never dressed enfemme while my wife was at home.

[willie]

I came out to my wife of fifty years in April. It was tough but she loved me enough to stay together. We both visited with a therapist and that helped a lot. We have boundries and I am to go slow. I wear panties and sleep in a nightgown. she has bought panties, nightgowns and hose for me. We do not get initamate when wearing nightgowns. I love my wife she is so special. Good luck to you when you come out, know answers to the questions, make sure to communicate and go slow. Hugs.

[Tammy V]

I will tell you I was in a similar place last year and finally told my wife last October. I was prepared for anything, even divorce, but to my pleasant surprise she has Slowly accepted almost every aspect of my female side. It is still an evolution for her, and she has days when she questions why and days when she seems unaccepting, but I do think a big part of her enjoys my female side even though she would not admit it. So far within a 9 month time frame she has gone from not even wanting to see a picture of me dressed to being able to be around me two or three nights a week when I am fully en femme. Our situation may be a tad different (we have slept in seperate rooms for years and exist mainly as friends now not lovers, but are deeply committed as family) but I am also able now to sleep in fem things and occassionaly go out with my cd friends and to meetings.

Most will caution you to mover slow after you tell her and I would have to strongly agree. As far as a best time and place, try to do it when the two of you are alone and will be for awhile and she is relaxed and in a comfortable place. I told mine while we were on a long country drive. Telling her was one of the hardest things I have ever done and it took me a year to get the courage/motivation but now I only wonder why I waited so long. I think I opened the conversation with "There is somethig about myself I need to tell you, and then went into how I used to wear my mom's things and just went on from there. Read all the testimony on this forum you can and talk to everyone you can. Lots of us have been in the same place and will be glad to offer advice/assistance. Good luck and this is a big step but one I doubt you will regret.

[BRANDYJ]

Op, questions like this are so hard to answer since none of us know your wife's general acce[ptance of any alternate lifestyle, her religious convictions and most importantly, how much she loves and respects you as her husband. I have told 2 wives in the past and can tell you that I had a good idea how they "might" react to the news before I ever told them. In both marriages I tolld them early on in the relationship, so that helped I'm sure. My first wife and I were not married when I told her. Her reaction was not the best, but after finding good material for not only her to read, but also for me to read. This was back in the early70's before a wealth of information was made available via the Internet. The term crossdresser was not yet being used. I was a transvestite back then ( same thing...different era) I had next to no information as to why I dressed as I did since age 9 or so. So the bookks I found helped no only her, but myself as well. The usual questionis came up: Did I want to become a woman...NO, was I gay...NO etc. But in a very short time she began to trust me and accept this part of me. One morning she woke me and told me that we were going shopping as I needed a dress! That was the turning point. From that day on until she passed away in 1984 she was not only tolerant, but also playful and we had fun while I dressed. She even borrowed some of my clothes. My second wife I told shortly after we married. Her response was priceless. When I told her, she said "So, is that all" We never had an issue about my desire or need to dress. She too became helpful and playful with it. We divorced about 5 years ago. My dressing had nothinning at all to do with it. Today we remain good friends. My present SO knew day one since we met on an alternate lifestyle site where I had both male and female photos of me posted. I'm happy to say she is attracted to me in either mode.
So think about how your wife feels about gays, bisexuals and transgendered people in general. That will surely give you an idea how she will respond to this news. If she is not accepting of those that are gay or live some sort of lifestyle she can't tolerate, you might be best to stay in the closet. But still, if the marriage has been good and the love and respect are still strong, she can learn to accept itin time.
I wish you well in whatever you decide.

[Tara D. Rose]

There are reasons to tell a wife. There are reasons not to tell a wife. If you are sure that she would want a divorce, then maybe it would be best not to tell. But you may feel that it’s your obligation to disclose your desire to crossdress. Only you can decide how she is going to react. All wives are different. If you are happy in your marriage, and you feel inside that she may want to leave, then I’d rethink telling her. If you are unhappy or miserable in your marriage, and your desire to dress is so powerful that you’re unhappy most of the time and become halfway happy by dressing, then by all means, you need to tell her.

But like others on here have said, choose the right time. Make sure that the two of you can have a couple of hours minimum to talk about it and that there will be no interruptions. Turn off the phones, and don’t answer the door if someone knocks. And when or if that time comes, be pleasant, be patient with her. She may blow up, but remain calm regardless. And I don’t know where your position is, how much you need or want to dress. Nor do I know how far you want to go with your dressing, or whether you want to have surgeries, or not. And if you are bi or not, you need to fully disclose every aspect about you. Don’t tell her you only like to dress in women’s clothes and say that’s it. If there is more to you, then lay it all on the line. Tell her everything and leave nothing out.

That’s what I did back in April 2010. My wife was accepting at first, then about a week later, she went the other direction of her acceptance. I find that this is a normal response from wives. Coming out to a wife is really a long process, for she will have more questions later on. Always be prepared for questions to follow as weeks go by. But the number one thing to do as I said earlier, is disclose everything to her not just pieces of the whole truth, but every aspect of your crossdressing.
Love & respect……………Tara

[Meredy]

I don't know how many have shared my experience but..I came out to my wife for my mental health, and I had been starting to get bolder and it was a matter of time until she found out on her own, so I told her.

It was very hard to say the words, and she said she was accepting, but the subject has been avoided ever since. Any hint that I was going to bring up the subject has been closed down immediately. There has been no questions or discussion about since I told her a month ago.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Suzy, How will your wife take it ???

I said in another post that someone would have an answer for any question
Well maybe this is one question that we may not have an answer for.

Orchid

[SweetPea_GG]

I think its really hard to predict how a wife will react to finding out. I think though you actually telling her will help "some" rather then her finding out on her own. You really need to just have a time where you both are alone and can spend time uninterrupted so you can both talk. Remember that you have been doing this for years and now after years of marriage she is just finding out about this so most likely a miracle wont happen over night but might take some time for her to process it all and also direct her to the forums here we have a GREAT group of GG's in the FAB forum area and she would be welcomed there with open arms.

Make sure you listen to her too and dont just dismiss her feelings cause after so many years of marriage she could feel really hurt that you never disclosed this information to her. She is allowed to have those feelings. It could be a roller coaster for awhile with emotions for her but just be there for her and listen to her feelings to wipe her tears and give her a hug :) Dont go into a pink fog either :P keep in mind its not all about you it will now have to be also about your wife and how she feels. She might be accepting of all of it or she might only be able to handle a little bit or maybe nothing at all.. but you both need to talk.

Its a big step for you but I think its a good one for you and I am sure no matter how things are played out after telling her a part of you will feel better. knowing now you arnt hiding anything from her anymore.

[Jenniferathome]

Suzy, I came out to my wife of 20+ years about 4 months ago. Here was my post. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?149851-I-told-my-wife!

In my case, things could not have played out better. In fact, we went to dinner tonight and she wore one of MY dresses! It was really fun to see and even though it was too big, it shows just how ok she is with my cross dressing. She has never once flipped flopped on this. It was the best decision of my life and frankly, had it gone poorly,it would still have been the best decision of my life. My only work of caution is to really ask yourself objectively, are you two really in love? If you are in love, it will go well. If you are fighting or more acquaintances, than loves, it will likely not go well. Good luck

[drag n fly]

I can out to my wife this morning in the kitchen...I was baking some scones this morning , when my wife of 41 years came into the kitchen and asked me why her white sandals were beside my bed the other day? I said because I liked wearing them..She replied with.."are you gay?" I said no...but I am a crossdresser...The opportunity was there and I took it..I mean...I have a tattooed bald head, painted toe nails and big hoop earrings..This information must have answered a big question for her...I believe she is much happier right now...I know I sure am..A huge load has been lifted...In fact, this evening I went online to Sierra Trading Post. com and ordered 8 pairs of panties and a nice pink night gown...The first time I have ever purchased anything feminine for myself..Another wonderful feeling...I know she's going to ask some questions...which I will answer openly and honestly...and kindly...She deserves it...as do I..What a relief..I'm walking on air...smooches all..
Suzy..Maybe leaving little hints..to break the ice in conversation? I may have sort of left those white shoes out subconsciously to have this come about...At any rate..it worked.. It's a thought Suzy... Jackie

[Karen Francis]

I came out to my wife BEFORE we were married. Dressed only in the bedroom for 25 years. She was tolerant of it as long a intimate relations were a part of the equation. Got to the same point as you are in life, empty nest, wanted to attend various TG meetings discreetly in other towns to accomodate her. She objected strenuously, the more I wanted to do, the worse it got. She made numerous attempts to prevent me from exploring this side of my personality, eventually outing me to realtives I had no intention of releasing this information to. When she was unsuccessful after 5-6 years of trying, she gave up, but the damage to the relationship was far too great. We are effectively divorced, living in separate parts of the house, living completely separate lives. She now realizes, after meeting many of my TG friends that she really screwed up on this one, all in the name of "What will the neighbors say?"

The bottom line is: A total crap shoot. No one can predict how another human being will react to this type of information. Be prepared for the worst, if that is not acceptable, don't go there.

[Presh GG]

Drag n fly

Wow, that was one of the worse comeing out storys I've ever read.
What part of going slow did you miss?
Tell us , please, what mades you think She's much happyer just because you are? And jumping on line to order yourself nightgowns, panties ect less than 24 hours after the big discussion ,, OH Wait , was there a discussion? Missed that.

I'm afraid you have a very bad case of pink fog . Watch out I think you're in for a big fall.. IMHO. May I suggest you ask her how she is feeling and Listen to her.

Please Susy, DO NOT take drag n fly's advise .

Presh GG

[Suzy Parker]

That was a little abrubpt but I think one important thing can be gleaned from that, if you sense an opportunity and the timing feels right just step into it with both heels. I think you try to be prepared but who really can be for this. I know some of the questions she will most likely ask and I have told her my answers hundreds of time in my mind.

[Phylis Nicole Schuyler]

Well said Shelly67. Slowly,small bits at a time and time itself help the issues along. Be ready to the multitude of questions that she will think of over time and be perfectly honest with your answers. Most of all, don't push, and support her as much as humanly possible for she needs to know that you are still you, just a different look.

[AmyGaleRT]

I'm told that it's best to tell before you get married, and other than that, there really is no best time. That's why I'm trying to work up the courage to tell my fiancee before we actually get married...fortunately, we don't have a firm date set, or even a rough one, which means I'm not under time pressure.

I've said elsewhere that, if she were accepting of me, I'd gladly wear an engagement ring while en femme, to demonstrate to her and anyone else who sees that I'm totally committed to her, no matter what gender I'm presenting as.

But first, I have to work up the nerve. There's no silver bullet for that.

[Shelly67]

I think there is a very important point missing here ..........
Whilst we may be in a position of turmoil and worry , no matter how good we hide it our partners will pick up on it . Denial is not just a river in Egypt is it ?
Sometimes crossdressing becomes all consuming in so many varient ways . And I mean that includes if and before and also after presenting our deepest secret to our opposites . I consider it to be a selfish part of our nature , call it the pink fog , whatever you like , the reality remains in time we have to REALLY address just how we come across to our loved ones . Accepted or not . Like I've said , our nature becomes all consuming , vanity taking hold like a vice grip . I'll be honest , although I'm a trannie , crossdresser whatever , I sometimes HATE the behaviour I have to control . It's an obsession we have to control through long term experience and understanding .
Its so easy to hurt someone without intention , all due to the fact we are blinded by nothing more than our own want .
Makes you think doesnt it ?
OR at least it should do before you share probably one of mans most intimate and most generally misunderstood secrets ..........

Put it another way ...... your lovely attractive wife suddenly informs you to obtain peace, serenity ,no stress even sexual feelings means she prefers sometimes to pop on a pair of filthy oily jeans , drinks beer , swears , and acts like a tom boy regardless if you like it or not .

Joe Blunt my thoughts may be ...... but its undeniabley a position worthy of considerate reflection .

[drag n fly]

Drag n fly

Wow, that was one of the worse comeing out storys I've ever read.
What part of going slow did you miss?
Tell us , please, what mades you think She's much happyer just because you are? And jumping on line to order yourself nightgowns, panties ect less than 24 hours after the big discussion ,, OH Wait , was there a discussion? Missed that.

I'm afraid you have a very bad case of pink fog . Watch out I think you're in for a big fall.. IMHO. May I suggest you ask her how she is feeling and Listen to her.

Please Susy, DO NOT take drag n fly's advise .

Presh GG

I took this tack, only because it presented itself. I have been holding this secret for so long, it was killing me.. I think she's happier because she appears to be...Very pleasant to me and overall.. I offered this information to Suzy only as a possibility...What's wrong with wanting my own panties...? Aren't you being a little harsh?
smooches all Jackie

[Teresapantyhose]

Came out to my wife after 14 years of marriage. Did not go well. Spent 3 months sleeping on the couch and we are just now (4 years later) getting back to where we were before then. As much pain as I caused her, it was a huge relief to finally let someone close to me know about this. We did got to counseling together but was so contentious at home we decided to leave at a don't ask/don't tell stage and move on. I know it still hurts her as there are more and more references to this on tv and it's becoming more mainstream to see it as well.

You'll need to ask some questions and get reactions to things before you do. Get an idea on how she might handle it. It could go really badly but hopefully, as is the case, it will go really well and you have will have a supportive wife and Suzie will have a great girlfriend as well. Good luck!!

[bridget thronton]

In my case I decided I cannot keep secrets from my spouse. I told where I was and where I thought I was headed (and the course changes as they arose)

[DebbieL]

It's VERY unpredictable. My freshman year of college, several of my classmates figured out that I was at least a transvestite, because I dressed like the other girls in the dance class, wearing my leotard over my tights. At the end of the semester, they gave me two magazines about cross-dressing. I misunderstood it and thought they were making fun of me. I learned much later that they were trying to tell me that it was OK.

My first fiance' and I dated for about 4 months. One day she came home, she was wearing pantyhose, and I started to message her feet and legs. She had been waiting tables, so she really liked it. When she took off her dress, she started to take off her pantyhose and I said "leave them on". She said "well at least YOU don't want to wear them". I didn't agree, and did something more like "well...", and then made love to her like a woman, bringing her to dozens of orgasms for over an hour. The next day however, I had gone home, and when I woke up to go to work I found a note on the windshield of my car, from the woman, telling me that she had to break up with me. I was devastated.

When I moved in with my first wife, before we were married, I had thrown out most of my wardrobe, thinking that now that I was going to get real sex, that I didn't need to dress anymore. Within 3 weeks, it was clear that was not working out. For Christmas, we were dirt broke. She told me "All I want for Christmas is Rekky (her nickname for me) under the tree". I put gift wrap around a sleeping bag, put it under the tree, and when she came home from working the graveyard shift, she was thrilled with her present. That night she asked me what I wanted, I told her that I liked to dress up. She came out with a nightie and asked me to put it on. We both had a lot of fun dressing up and I always made sure that she had lots of incredible orgasms whenever we did. Unfortunately, about 3 months later, we had a fight and she stopped initiating sex with me. Eventually, she only initiated when she wanted something, like a baby (after getting way too drunk with a bunch of boys the night or the week before), or when she wanted a brand new car, or to move back to Colorado.

I found out 9 years later that he had NEVER been OK with my dressing, and kept hoping I'd grow out of it. When we saw a marriage councellor, and he pointed out that I was transgendered and would never grow out of it, and that Leslie was not a lesbian and would never be comfortable with Debbie, he offered us three options. Option one was a platonic marriage, we could stay married and just not have sex with anyone. Option two was an Open marriage, where we would each have our own lover or lovers outside the marriage, but stay married. Option 3 was we could get divorced. I chose option one, because she told me that if I ever cheated on her, she would take me for everything. She chose option two, taking on a lover she met in a psychiatric ward while she was in lock-up, and after a few months, he decided he didn't want to share, so he proposed. I told my wife that if he really wanted to marry her a year from now, and she still wanted to marry him, I'd give away the bride. A year later, they got married, and it was HIS family who decided that I should not have ANYTHING to do with the wedding. During the reception however, my former mother-in-law told me to sit with here at the bride's family table, because I was family. My first wife and I remained friends and I made sure that the child support was always paid, even when it meant living in a rented room near Journal Square.

After the divorce, I started dressing and going out more often, and soon I met one woman who introduced me to another woman who was bisexual. She LOVED Debbie, and she also loved bringing girl friends home and sharing. It was a wonderful time. Unfortunately, when an old flame saw the fun that I was having with his old flame, he wanted her back, and didn't want to share. Even though it didn't work out with him, and even though I forgave her, she couldn't forgive herself and ended up moving back home.

I met my current wife on match.com. I made sure that I included a bit about Debbie, and included several pictures of her in my profile. This way anyone interested would see BOTH Rex AND Debbie. I'm glad I did because out of roughly a thousand women that saw my profile, about 6 were genuinely interested and wanted to arrange a date. All of them were good candidates, but I did eliminate the one who was living with her feeble mother and wanted her to live with us, and the one woman who had an autistic son.

Today, my current wife loves Debbie. When I lost all that weight (about 80 lbs so far), and started wanting to go out dressed, she was worried because it seemed that "Debbie always dresses like a ****". But when she realized that when Debbie went out wearing women's slacks, plainer blouses or sweaters, and lower heels, she didn't need to do the dramatic make-up, wig, and bra with breast forms.

When she realized that Rex was an egg-head, book-worm, nerd, introverted, socially retarded, and pretty much avoided people, and hated to play games, she realized that she wasn't all that crazy about Rex, but could accept that this was part of what made me good at understanding computer systems. On the other hand, Debbie was very outgoing, a great listener, really good at creating win-win situations, was fun to be with, liked to hang out with her family, and liked to sing and dance, she actually PREFERRED Debbie to Rex, and tried to bring out Debbie as much as possible. These days, her family can tell the difference too, and they like Debbie better too. I don't have to wear a skirt and heels to be Debbie, but when Debbie doesn't get dressed up once in a while, it's harder to bring out the best qualities, like the impeccability, courage, integrity, commitement, and "can do" attitude, as well as the love of people that comes with being myself honestly and authentically.

The thing to remember is that your wife fell in love with you and certain qualities of you. If you've been "Mr Macho" your whole life, then she will probably reject you. If on the other hand, you have been soft, nurturing, tender, loving, kind, gentle, and a lover who doesn't think that the best way to please a woman is with what's between your legs, then there is a very good chance that she has been wondering about that for all these years, and would love to take an active role in your feminization.

One thing I have found is that it's much easier for people to be accepting when you show them actual pictures of you in a really pretty full outfit, complee with make-up and hair. If they see a picture of you as an attractive and credible woman, they are more likely to accept it. If you just tell them verbally, they are more likely to visualize you with a five-o'clock shadow, trampy cheap wig, looking a bit like Milton Berle, or even worse. They've come to know you as a man and that's all they have ever seen. If you want them to see you as someone who could be a pretty woman, you don't even have to be beautiful, just pretty.

You might even consider going to a place like Glamour shots, or taking some pictures of yourself using a computer and doing a bit of electtronic air-brushing. A good studio like Glamor shots can get you a nice look, and do most of the work with make-up, and give you the finishing touches with air-brush.

If your profile picture is actually of you, you should have no trouble getting a good picture. Of course, you don't want to do a fetish photo, unless that's really all you want.

When you finally tell her the truth, it may take several days to process it. She may be in shock. She may even hate you for lying to her all these years. It's a good idea to tell her how much you hated not telling her, how much you loved her, and how much you didn't want to lose her. Finally, be ready to accept some ground rules. Be willing to hear her terms and accept them. Almost anything can happen. She might want you to change some habits, such as losing some weight, quit smoking, or do some housework. If she wants to dress you like a maid and have you clean the bathrooms, then you should plan on doing it cheerfully. If she tells you "only in the bedroom" or "only in the house", you should honor that. If you let her know that this is important enough to you that you are willing to give her control over you and the situation, you may be shocked at how much she accepts it.

It can take months, even years to work out what works for both of you. There may be things she really enjoys, and things she really doesn't like. She may let you wear her clothes, or she may want you to buy your own, or she might even start borrowing yours. She may want you to make love to her like a woman, and keep your genitals hidden while you do. She may want you to start to pee sitting down ALL the TIME, she may want you to dress all the time, or when you are at home. She may want to dominate you, or she might want you to dominate her as a woman. The key is that once you start sharing your most secret and intimate fantasies with her, she may start sharing fantasies you had never imagined.

Let her know that you are willing to let her take the lead, to set her terms, to fulfill here desires, whether they be sexual kinks, or domestic chores. You would be amazed at how many women can really get into the fantasy of having their husband or male lover dressed up like a maid, in heels, hose, and a maids uniform, and REALLY CLEANING THE HOUSE. I have found that when I'm all dressed up like that, I really enjoy doing that kind of housework. When my wife comes home to a clean house, with clean toilets, the beds all made, the laundry washed and folded, and the rugs vacuumed, she knows that Debbie came for a visit, and very often will want to take Debbie on a date. Sometimes, she doesn't even want to go out, she just wants to seduce me right then and there.

Ironically, it can even be even more surprising. The bisexual woman I mentioned above, wanted me to dress all the time. As soon as I got home, she would tell me to take a shower and get dressed. I had about an hour to be fully shaved, fully dressed, in make-up and wig, and ready for whatever she had in mind. That could be dinner at a restaurant, going to a meeting, taking care of the kids, or a night of bondage and kinky sex.

I wish I could guarantee a way to assure that your wife would be fully accepting right away. Unfortunately, it's not that easy. There are things you can do to improve your chances of having her accept you. The most important of which is to remember that any request she makes in the first week, just might be the deal-maker, or the deal-breaker. If she asks you to stop smoking, lose weight, take her dancing, or clean the bathrooms, or all of the above, you want to assume that these requests are as important to her as your dressing is to you. Eventually, she may let you know what is most important, or she my just enjoy the fact that you are willing to giver her that kind of power. For many women, the biggest turn-on of having a feminized husband is knowing that he will do anything she wants him to. Futhermore, she might even find that she enjoys sexually teasing her feminized lover, letting him get aroused by wearing the outfit, asking him to things he might not otherwise do, and then getting him off while his male anatomy is still totally hidden and restrained by the tight undergarments and clothes.

There are no rules here. You have kept the most important part of you, something you cherish enough to risk you marriage, from your wife, for 25 years. She may be upset that you didn't tell her earlier. She may have suspected and have had her own fantasies about what she wanted to do with you, but was afraid to let you know how she felt, because she was afraid of losing you. This can be an amazing journey of discovery if you are willing to let her go through her own process.

Debbie