Getting confortable dressed around my wife

[steph1964]

I came out to my wife in April and it has been an emotional time, but she has been very loving and supportive. We had a long talk last night about me being dressed in front of her, not because of her comfort level, but because of mine. Although she would rather I not be a CD, she has seen me dressed and helped with my makeup.

The issue I was having is that I would stress about what she was thinking. Despite her telling me it was OK, and her acting like she didn't mind, I would think that she was just saying that to make me feel good, and that inside she was thinking "I can't believe I have to put up with this." This is largely due to me having a hard time accepting it myself.

My wife told me that she has worked hard to accept this side of me (she has) and that if I don't accept myself then all her effort has been wasted. She told me that as I always put her ahead of me, then I need to be comfortable around her, for her. I hadn't thought that my stress from dressing in front of her was dimminishing her effort to be accepting.

The kids, both adults (they don't know), stayed out last night so this morning she suggested that I dress and she helped with my makeup. I allowed myself to be happy and had a good morning. My oldest son came home to get ready for work and I was ready to get changed. My wife told me to just hang out in the bedroom, and not get changed because he would be gone in an hour. Something I never thought I would hear her say. I have a wonderful wife.

P.S. She is a member of the forum (angies) so I want to give her credit.

[Meredy]

That's awesome Steph! I'm very happy for both you and your wife!
I hope you can both have a great time with this.

I know self acceptance has been very hard for me.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Steph, You have an awesome wife take your time and don't over do it.
Remember the ball is in her court for now.

Orchid

[Tara D. Rose]

This is a beatiful story Steph1964. The feelings you're having are very normal and undestandable. I understand just how you feel. I too get those same feelings. For I have past all of that now, but there was a time after i came out to my wife that I felt uncomfortable being fully dressed as Tara in front of her. And I shouldn't have been for all the many times I had been Tara in front of her. I know and beleive this because of passed arguments about my crossdressing. Sometimes she's with it and other times she's not. And these things are typical of a wife. And so I remember the negative things she has said when having a quarle and crossdressing comes up and she ridicules me for it. Then on another day weks later and I get the strong desire to become Tara, and then when I do , I feel somewhat embarrased by it in front of her. And moreso when we're not talking to eachother becasue of hard feelings following an arguemnet which seems to intensify my desire, I put off the dressing when the desire is at it's strongest, and oh it makes for some hardtimes indeed.

And also it was so sweet of your wife to cover for you when your son had came home for the hour. Mine did the same thing for me one time when we were playing music very loudly one saturday night late and the cops were banging on the back door, I had to run to the bathroom to get changed back, she covered me and us. And so nowadays after so many arguments about so many other marrital issues that warrant divorce, i just dress in front of her and just do not care. There have been times when I would become Tara and all seemed good for a few minutes, and the nshe would say something that would embarrass me and i would have to go quickly take it all off after spending 2 hours to get ready. Now I just become tara when I feel like it, she can like or she can hate it. She can call me names, I don't care. But maybe I'm getting too far ahead, comunication is the key. Not marriage councilors.But when and if the time comes to diclose all of who and what you are, the main thing is to tell all and everything and leve nothing out.
Love & respect........Tara

[Cynthia Anne]

Steph! I have read a lot of storys that were heart warming but yours is number one! Give gour wife a great big hug for me! Hugs!:)

[angies GG]

I love you and am proud of who you are and always have been. <3 You do need to know that I'm comfortable with the boundaries that we have set and therefore need to charish those moments. Remember to always relish in the fun times and enjoy the moments. Don't think of "oh darn I only have another hour", think "yeah, I have a whole other hour and I feel great!" Focus on the positive times and enjoy it for me. For it is my gift to you, and it would be a waste for you to feel guilty etc.

[Kimberly Long]

You are very lucky to have such a loving wife. Remember to do something nice for here from time to time
Good Luck. Love Kimberly

[DonnaT]

The issue I was having is that I would stress about what she was thinking. Despite her telling me it was OK, and her acting like she didn't mind, I would think that she was just saying that to make me feel good, and that inside she was thinking "I can't believe I have to put up with this." This is largely due to me having a hard time accepting it myself.

That's the problem with a lot of relationships, not being psychic. ;)

And since you aren't psychic, then stop thinking for your wife and take what she says to be truthful. As well as loving.

[minalost]

Dressing in front of my wife has always been hard. Even when she says "it's okay" I still wonder what she is thinking... A couple of months ago we got a hotel room in a nearby town and I dressed up for the evening. It went very well. We both sat around and made some bead jewalry. She also made some constructive coments about my make up that I really appreciated. It was good.

[Marie-Elise]

You know, this has been troubling me. So Saturday, we were having some wine after the kids were asleep and I told her I'll be back. I went to our bedroom and put on a thong, one of my favorite skirts and a top. When I can back into the room, she didn't bat an eye and we went back to the conversation we were having. Walking back into the room was one of the scariest things I've ever done. But I figured she said it was OK and that she would support me. I guess I gave her a chance to prove it.

[kendra_gurl]

It's every CD's dream to dress and enjoy an evening with their wife untill it happens. Thats when you walk out of the bedroom all dressed and then say to yourself what do I do now? Do we act and behave the same way as we do every other day?

Crossdressing is so much more than just the clothing we put on. It changes us. Its like its a form of role play and after we are dressed we need to continue to express our feelings of feminity differently from our normal daily routine.

Steph and angies: you both have something very wonderful going togeather and I'm sure with a bit more honest communication between you both you can work out a comfort level for you both. My wife of 42 years has know of my dressing for over 20 of those years. We have gone out togeather (dressed) at least 75 times in the last 10 years.
One of your boundries may be not to take your cding public and thats perfectly understandable. When we first started we made it only on a evening at a Hotel/Motel so there would be no change of anyone stopping by the house and causing problems for either of us. In doin it this way it forced us both to be in a different enviroment from the normal home routine which lead us both relizing there is more to dressing up than just setting there dressed up.

To this day I still do not dress up and just spend the evening at home with my wife acting as if its just another normal day because its not. I am not the same in full dress and makeup as I am in my work clothes and I too would feel very uncomfortable and wondering about my wifes thoughts if we had no specific plans that envolved me to be dressed.

Steph no one else can solve this for you other than angies and yourself. Be honest with her about how you feel but more importantly be honest about what you have done all those time you dressed alone before she knew (yes all those other things). Those hours primping yourself infront of the mirror acting like a teen age girl with new makeup. Trying on different clothes to see what fit and looked good to you. Feeling the lingerie, wishing you could hide all that leg and chest hair.

angies: I know this is all new to you and you have made a wonderful attempt to understand and accept your husbands need to dress. One way you might try to imagine the position Steph seems to be in right now is to imagine that $500 Coach purse you've had you eye on for a year. You want it so bad but you can't afford to spen that must money on something like a purse when there is too many bills to pay and all your friends know about how much your struggling to get by. The by some windfall you get that Expensive Coach purse. What do you now? You have the purse of your dreams and you can't show it it anyone for fear they will say why didn't you pay some overdue bills instead of blowing it on a purse.

All thats left for you to do is a couple nights a week you get to transfer everything from your old purse to the new one and admire it for a few hours then change everything back before going to work the next day so no one will know. You got what you want but what do you do with it? How do you enjoy it withou feeling guilty? Your husbands car needed new tires a lot worst than you needed that purse. Now that you have it do you wonder what his thoughts are while he watches you admire it yet hiding it from everyone else?

Hope it works out

[Valerie]

Congratulations to you both. Around six months ago I told my wife, while we were with our therapist (who is great, by the way), that while she had been away on a trip I had worked superbly, very concentrated, every day at home, dressed. My wife just said, why don't you keep on doing it? And so many days I dress or half-dress and work away, and it has become somewhat routine. I love it. With time, it becomes natural. Give it time... What an amazing blessing it is, to have a wife that is supportive! Bravo again to both of you!

[Erica Thorn]

I recognize myself and my relationship with Suzie in your post to... We've been struggling with the crossdressing for a few years now and suddenly she's starting to accept it. And as you say it... she says it's ok but all the thoughts in my head is going "what does she really think? how long will she put up with this?"

The key here is as always communication and trust, all we can do is hope that they really mean it, and that the days when it's not so ok they will tell us that before it gets to far. I'm trying to trust her comments about it, otherwise I'll miss out on so much fun. Last night she asked if I wanted a nightgown but I said no... mostly of that reason!

[Mary Morgan]

Steph, I think this is what is called love and you have hit the motherlode with your wife. I have always felt that in truly loving relationships there is room for diversity, that truly loving couples put their relationship and each other first. You two seem to have each other's love and respect and her acceptance is a natural outflow from that relationship.

Thank you both for your example.

[ReineD]

Steph, your wife is a wise woman! :)

[Polly R]

Good evening Steph and Gurls

This is an interesting topic... I'm amazed at how many others have this difficulty too. Add me as well! My wife is also on this Forum (Allsteamedup) and after a lot of ups and downs keeps telling me, 'It doesn't matter, get dressed when you want.' But I'm still not 100% sure and still, even after all these years feel awkward dressed in front of her most times. She's very good with me and helps with makeup and ideas for clothes from time to time so like quite a few, I'm very fortunate - even if perhaps I don't show my gratitude that well.

On Monday night, I came home from work and felt that Polly needed to come out of the closet so asked if she was OK if I got dressed. Sure was the answer. We had quite a chat about Polly and her. I really don't mind, she said, as long as you can get some of the jobs done as Polly (cooking, washing up after the meal etc) and don't just sit around.

I still wonder what she really thinks - she married a fella and has ended up with a fella sometimes but a gurl at other times... It still worries me. Even after 30+ years of CDing, I'm only now JUST starting to accept my feminine side...

We used to have a rule of one night a week - usually Friday but I often didn't want to turn into Polly just because it was Friday. I now have more freedom to dress when I want but I like to think I don't overdo it. Sometimes I feel like dressing night after night, othertimes I can go for weeks without. It's a weird thing this urge to CD...

I'm sure she'll put an answer or comment to this post.

Thanks for bringing it up Steph.

xx Polly

[suchacutie]

Just reading through this interesting thread it seems that the common theme is that for many of us there is a real change when we move to our feminine selves. In my case I was always convinced that my wife was interested in Tina, but neither of us knew who Tina was. My nervousness was that maybe she would not like Tina. Now that's a strange notion as Tina has always been a part of her spouse, but irrational as it was, the feeling was there. Then there was the nervousness of changing voice. Somehow having Tina really learn to use her voice in a way that was parallel to her presentation was a big step. And even not having a problem with being Tina with my wife, there was the nervousness of having my wife seeing me in mid-transistion, where it was not quite masculine and not quite feminine. Why was that a source of nervousness when my wife was simply curious?

Even with a completely supportive and encouraging wife, we all have issues to work through as we learn (or re-learn) who we are! All we can do is to trust our spouses to tell us what is on their minds. Yet again, communication is imperative!

[Eryn]

I think that the act of "coming out" to our SO poses an additional problem, that of coming to grips with ourselves. Before "the talk" we basically do whatever we can get away with and give little thought to what we actually _are_! Somehow, having an observer makes our CDing "real" and forces us to consider it both in our own terms and in the eyes of the observer.

I had considerable trepidation about dressing in front of my wife and still get momentary twinges of self-doubt. My wife is a trouper and this has made it much easier for me.

[t-girlxsophie]

It was only after I introduced Sophie in person to my then GF,that I felt that our relationship was complete,Of course we both werent to know how it would turn out,but thankfully It was all positive for both of us,and has remained the same to this day

Sophie

[sallyissuper]

Steph, you have a great relationship! I have had the same fears in the past, but much less so now. My wife is also very accepting. I asked her yesterday why she puts up with my dressing up and she answered "because I love you".

[NyssaF]

That sounds fantastic, Steph! I can definitely relate, because my wife and I are going through the same thing. There are times when I am completely amazed that she is sitting there talking to my while I am wearing a dress and heels.

I <3 her a lot for being honest. She's said things like "you really look kinda ridiculous!" and "it's so hard to hold a serious conversation when you're dressed!" But not in mean ways, and I can tell she is being accepting. Those kind of comments make me feel better, actually. I'd be more concerned if she were trying to do a "oh, honey, it's GREAT! And I'm just SO HAPPY!!!"

Does that make sense?

[Erica Thorn]

Steph, you have a great relationship! I have had the same fears in the past, but much less so now. My wife is also very accepting. I asked her yesterday why she puts up with my dressing up and she answered "because I love you".

Awh, So happy to see yet another happy marriage that works with 3 persons ;)
I always get worried when my SO answers something like that or just "I want you to be happy"... well yeah... that's good I guess but what does she really feel...


I think that the act of "coming out" to our SO poses an additional problem, that of coming to grips with ourselves. Before "the talk" we basically do whatever we can get away with and give little thought to what we actually _are_! Somehow, having an observer makes our CDing "real" and forces us to consider it both in our own terms and in the eyes of the observer.

Just read it and realized how bloody true that is, atleast in my case since my SO is the only one to know so far... before her I never cared much how I looked, I even knew it looked weird and everything but back then it didn't matter...
Now... I keep asking her how she think I look, if it's ok, what she's thinking etc...


I <3 her a lot for being honest. She's said things like "you really look kinda ridiculous!" and "it's so hard to hold a serious conversation when you're dressed!" But not in mean ways, and I can tell she is being accepting. Those kind of comments make me feel better, actually. I'd be more concerned if she were trying to do a "oh, honey, it's GREAT! And I'm just SO HAPPY!!!"

Does that make sense?

It sure does make sense, I feel the same thing with my SO, now if I only could trust her that she's telling the truth all the time to! For crossdressing to work in a relationship you need to have honest communication... it won't be ok for the SO's every day and I think they need to feel that they can say "hun, today's not the best day, is that ok?" without us going bonkers over it! :D

[ReineD]

This is ironic, but in a good way! :)

On the one hand, the GGs who are supportive are reluctant to tell their SOs when they feel fragile about certain things, so as to NOT upset their SOs by seeming non-supportive. They want their husbands to be happy.

And on the other hand, their CD husbands do want to know when the GGs are feeling fragile, because they care how their wives feel. And at the same time they very much would like, or perhaps need, their wives to support them.

So ... the CD husband may well ask his wife if she enjoys it when he wears such and such. He just wants to make sure that she isn't "pretending" to be supportive, and he also wants to know that he isn't taxing her patience.

Back to the GG: she hears the question and it makes her believe that her husband WANTS her to enjoy him as a girl, in the same way that she enjoys him as a guy. She shakes her head internally, because to her, they're not at all the same thing (at least not in the beginning), even though she does love her husband and she knows that the CDing makes him happy, and this is why she wants to support him.

I'm reminded of an old love story from my childhood about two young, very poor newlyweds. For Christmas the wife cut off her pride and joy, her beautiful long hair and sold it so that she could buy her husband an expensive fob for his prized possession, a watch that he had inherited from his father. Yet he had sold his watch, so that he could buy his young bride an exquisite, bejeweled comb for her long, lustrous hair.

[kendra_gurl]

All these responses just begs for an answer to the question:
If she is 100% honest and says I love you and will support your need to dress without ever saying this again, But personally I think you look ridiculous and that you always will.
Would you still want to dress around her?

[Eryn]

Just read it and realized how bloody true that is, atleast in my case since my SO is the only one to know so far... before her I never cared much how I looked, I even knew it looked weird and everything but back then it didn't matter...
Now... I keep asking her how she think I look, if it's ok, what she's thinking etc...

One of the wonderful things about this forum is that it prompts me to look into myself as I grope for ways to explain feelings. Thus, I learn more about myself.


This is ironic, but in a good way!...

[Hits the nail right on the head, as usual! :) ]


All these responses just begs for an answer to the question:
If she is 100% honest... ...Would you still want to dress around her?

No, and that is why nobody is 100% brutally honest. If they were, no marriage would ever occur.

We all edit what we say, go along with things that aren't exactly our cup of tea, and make the best of what we have. That spirit of compromise is a major part of what makes successful relationships function. When one or both parties refuses to compromise [as in drawing "lines in the sand"] relationships fail.

However, it can be pushed too far. the compromise needs to be on both sides. The person who does nothing but compromise and to whom no concessions are given ends up feeling used.

[kendra_gurl]

However, it can be pushed too far. the compromise needs to be on both sides. The person who does nothing but compromise and to whom no concessions are given ends up feeling used.

Exatly and each one of us with a wife that supports in any amount needs to remember this because they could have just been 100% brutally honest from the start.

[linda allen]

I love you and am proud of who you are and always have been. <3 You do need to know that I'm comfortable with the boundaries that we have set and therefore need to charish those moments. Remember to always relish in the fun times and enjoy the moments. Don't think of "oh darn I only have another hour", think "yeah, I have a whole other hour and I feel great!" Focus on the positive times and enjoy it for me. For it is my gift to you, and it would be a waste for you to feel guilty etc.

Would you come and be my wife? :heehee:

OK, I'm kidding, I know that can't happen and I love the wife I already have.

She doesn't know and I'm afraid to tell her. I'm afraid she wouldn't take it like you are. You have a very lucky husband.

It seems to me the easiest way to feel comfortable dressed around your wife (at least in the beginning) is to ask her to help you pick out what you will wear and put it on in front of her rather than going into another room, getting dressed and made up and then making a "grand entrance".

[angies GG]

Well, this is still a work in progress..... I still think things are going ok, but here is a little part from one of my other posts.

" We have set up some preliminary boundaries and things seem to be going well. I was also kinda against the nail polish stuff. That being said, the other night i suggested wearing nighties and painting nails and watching a teen chick flick. He was very happy and really LOVED the toenails My requirement was the polish came off at the end of the night. The next night the kids were out and we had no plans, probably sit around watch tv the usual. He asked if I would mind if he just painted his toenails nothing else.

WELL.... This is where I missed my opportunity to communicate effectively. On one hand I thought if I would have been up for it then I would suggest it, on the other hand, what harm is there for him to do this and feel happy. I said "fine, whatever" he could sense my attitude and double checked. Again I said do what you want it makes no difference to me if you do. Then I went on about MY OWN EVENING. I took a bath and went to watch tv on my own. He came out with his nails painted and could sense my moodiness. Then he felt bad and took the polish off. It led to a very bad evening. I don't know why I did that, we definetly took a few steps back What I really meant was that I didn't want him to, but I wasnt going to FORBID it if he really wanted to, and I didn't want to be happy about it. I feel that we have been doing a lot lately at my suggestion. And he has been very appreciative. But if I'm going to be moody then he would just rather me say "not tonight" He would be fine with that, but now we have to revisit all the progress we have made.

WOW, I didn't mean to go off on a tangent here. I feel badly for making him feel bad, but I felt I was communicating ok. Now I see the errors of my ways and have let him know that I'm sorry. It's easy for me to see it as a learning curve, but he is more sensitive to this whole thing about getting comfortable so it hit him right where it hurts the most. This just happened last night and now his work week has begun. We will have to see if he can bounce back as quickly as I have since I still love and support him, nothing from my view has changed. But his perception of my view and trust in my communication has changed... "


Anyway, we are all trying to do our best.

[steph1964]

Steph! I have read a lot of storys that were heart warming but yours is number one! Give gour wife a great big hug for me! Hugs!:)
Cynthia Anne – You always post such sweet comments. BTW, on another post I followed your advice to give her a hug and knocked her wine over in the process.


To this day I still do not dress up and just spend the evening at home with my wife acting as if its just another normal day because its not. I am not the same in full dress and makeup as I am in my work clothes and I too would feel very uncomfortable and wondering about my wifes thoughts if we had no specific plans that envolved me to be dressed.

Steph no one else can solve this for you other than angies and yourself. Be honest with her about how you feel but more importantly be honest about what you have done all those time you dressed alone before she knew (yes all those other things). Those hours primping yourself infront of the mirror acting like a teen age girl with new makeup. Trying on different clothes to see what fit and looked good to you. Feeling the lingerie, wishing you could hide all that leg and chest hair.
I agree…The first couple of times we just went about business as usual and I was very self-conscious. The last time, we put on nighties, painted our nails and watched a teen chick flick, and it felt a lot different to me. I felt like I was doing a sleepover, one of the many teen girl things I missed out on. I felt comfortable with her and probably had the best time I have ever had dressed. I also love the Coach Purse analogy.


I think that the act of "coming out" to our SO poses an additional problem, that of coming to grips with ourselves. Before "the talk" we basically do whatever we can get away with and give little thought to what we actually _are_! Somehow, having an observer makes our CDing "real" and forces us to consider it both in our own terms and in the eyes of the observer.
Wow Eryn, this is very true in my case. Until I joined this forum and told Angie, all I thought about was trying to get the opportunity to dress. I didn’t even have a female name. Something I am having the most difficulty accepting is that Stephanie is part of my personality; it’s not just about the clothes. I think Angie would also have an easier time if it were just a clothing issue. This is something that I have always known but conveniently ignored.



On the one hand, the GGs who are supportive are reluctant to tell their SOs when they feel fragile about certain things, so as to NOT upset their SOs by seeming non-supportive. They want their husbands to be happy.

And on the other hand, their CD husbands do want to know when the GGs are feeling fragile, because they care how their wives feel. And at the same time they very much would like, or perhaps need, their wives to support them.

So ... the CD husband may well ask his wife if she enjoys it when he wears such and such. He just wants to make sure that she isn't "pretending" to be supportive, and he also wants to know that he isn't taxing her patience.
I think that this is the area where Angie and I are trying to find a balance. She wants to be supportive and doesn’t want to hurt my feelings, and I am hypersensitive to how she is feeling. This is a work in progress but we are moving in the right direction.


Would you come and be my wife? :heehee:
It seems to me the easiest way to feel comfortable dressed around your wife (at least in the beginning) is to ask her to help you pick out what you will wear and put it on in front of her rather than going into another room, getting dressed and made up and then making a "grand entrance".
SHE’s TAKEN! :heehee:
You would think so, but in my case I feel a lot more uncomfortable with her seeing me getting dressed, i.e. putting on a bra. However, she has helped with my make-up.


That being said, the other night i suggested wearing nighties and painting nails and watching a teen chick flick. He was very happy and really LOVED the toenails My requirement was the polish came off at the end of the night.
As I mentioned above, this was probably the best, and most comfortable I have felt because it wasn’t about the clothes as much as the activity.

WELL.... This is where I missed my opportunity to communicate effectively. On one hand I thought if I would have been up for it then I would suggest it, on the other hand, what harm is there for him to do this and feel happy. I said "fine, whatever" he could sense my attitude and double checked. Again I said do what you want it makes no difference to me if you do. Then I went on about MY OWN EVENING. I took a bath and went to watch tv on my own. He came out with his nails painted and could sense my moodiness. Then he felt bad and took the polish off. It led to a very bad evening.
Angie and I have talked about this and we both understand that we have a lot of work to do, but we have come a long way in a short period of time, and we are heading in the right direction. She has been amazing and I couldn’t ask for a more supportive person to share this journey.

[linda allen]

SHE’s TAKEN! :heehee:
You would think so, but in my case I feel a lot more uncomfortable with her seeing me getting dressed, i.e. putting on a bra. However, she has helped with my make-up.
The one time my wife saw me dressed (for Halloween, many years ago), she picked out the dress, bra, padding, etc. and helped me put them on (I pretended that I didn't know how). I didn't get to wear panties (I might have had panty hose on, I don't remember. I don't remember if I had makeup on either. It was probably 25 years ago.

Let her dress you. See if that's better. If my wife said it was OK, I don't think I would have a problem dressing in front of her.