~Seana~
07-17-2011, 06:05 PM
If anyone is looking for a question here' you're unlikely to find it. Just the mixed up ramblings of a more than mixed up girl. But where to begin? I guess the beginning
I'm 43 and have been a computer tech most of my adult life. It's never been a good livingbut it's paid some bills.I both love and detest technology.
I have 4 children from 2 relationships. The first realationship was with a Femdom I stayed with for 13 years. I have 2 children by her a 17year old who lives with me and a 10 year old who lives primarily with her. weve been split 6 years and I remarried,she didnt. It wasnt an easy split for either ofusbut I've moved on in my life, while she has regressed. She always had issues withweight and self perception and my ex has lived on social assistance, and at nearly 40 never to date held a job.
I've remarried to a girl 18 years my junior 3 1/2 years ago , weve been together 5. She had one child from a previous relationship who has been with me since he was 1 and is now 6 and was abandoned by his natural father.And we've had one child together. who is now 4 .
My second child from the first relationship, who is now 10, has had some challenges in life. He was slow to talk. He wouldnt look you in the eye or wave, and used to pound his head against the floor and wndows ( often breaking them) when he was younger about 4. I lived in the country with my ex with limited health care, so I didnt know the signs of autism. He's a relatively "normal" 10 year old now even if he has some challenges like having a dirtpoor mom and not being able to tie his own shoes due to some fine motor deficits.
Then there is my last and final son, who's 4. A year and a half ago he was diagnosed as full blown autistic and at 4 still doesnt talk , at all. He's agreat kid with a wonderful personality but who faces cahllenges and i fear he may always be non-verbal. He also "stims" and has other odd behaviouir quirks.
I spoke to my mom in about may last year. I didnt tell her why but I started to ask her about some autism symptoms, and my own childhood. I already knew i rarely looked people in the eye, that I was unaware of my own voice volume, and I confirmed that there were several others as well. Of course in thelate 60's early 70's there wasnt much knowledge of autism, and I remember mom going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what was wrong.I was eventually diagnosed with epilepsy though I have little doubt that I carry at least some symptoms of ASD and havent had a seuzure since 4 and havent been on meds since 11.
My mom died suddenly about a month after I asked those questions so there will be no more answers. My father died about a year before that of lewy body disease. if you havent heard of it dont be surprised. It's passedbetween male members of the same genetics and starts to manifest about age 50. Did I mention I'm 43? I already get some long term memory loss and lack of retention.Onehell ofaretirement plan.
I started collecting panties around 18-20 but remember having certain attractions to feminine wear from very young. I collected some womens clothes thtough my 20's and 30's and wore them in secret. It wasnt very long before I was discovered and my Ex saw it as a threat. I remeber her dressing meup once very early on, and I wasnt ready for it and wasnt ready to expose myself to anyone, most especially my life partner . I may not have handled it well, but it was alot of years ago. Despite these shortcomings some aspects of my TG'ness slipped out. By thetimeIleft my Ex I had been to several fetish events dressed female and had kept my legs shaved for about 8 years. It wasnt something that was accepted by my ex, and I remember her several times asking me if I was a fag or belittling in other ways. I took that very hard.
My current wife is the polar opposite. Where my Ex belittled my wife endorsed and encouraged.
I should tell a bit about how my wife and I came together. 16 years ago I took a serious interest in bdsm ( another life long passion and one stronger than even my transgenderism). There was no community to speak of In ottawa back then andmy Ex and I ( mostly I) set about creating one. We organized munches, and some fet nights. When I stopped annoyed at scene politics others took over and deveolped (with more than a little help from me) a vibrant community with it's own social networking site and a full time alternative community center . Unfortunately the cliques and inability of people to get alonghas watered down the integrityof that community, and that community center is scheduled to close inoct, the woman who runs it has been harrassed ( ez had joe job postings made about her, even had the locks on the club filled with glue.
My wife came out to that community as an 18 year old about the same time the club opened. We met briefly once or twice when I was with my ex and chatted, but never related the two together. We finally met "properly" a few months after my ex and I split when she was 20 at a munch. A few nights later I invited her out for coffee, if she would go handcuffed. She did, and we've been together since.She was also polyamorous and had no intention of giving up her other relationships something she made clear from the beginning. I was drawn to her openness, and acceptance.In the first week I had told her i shaved my legs and liked to dress up, and she immediately demanded I do so that very second for her. She identifies as partially ftm with some "penile envy" .
In the 5-6 years we have been together I've changed dramatically and I have to acknolege this. I've dressed more often, and for the first time publicly both in and out of public fetish events. I've grown my hair out and 3 years ago decided to permanently change my appearance by plucking brows and growing hair out. 2 years ago I decided to look into laser, and I'm now starting. I can envisage a day when I'll start hormones but have zero health system support for my transition at the moment which makes things difficult and I have so far refused to self medicate as I am not a doctor and cant adequately make decision regarding my own health.
On the subject of health care, I'm in canada. Yes i get some free health care but only what is approved by the government, who do not make finding TG support easily. Some people get more from private health care from work benefits, but I've opted out of work benefits due to cost for a family of my size it would have been more than $200 a month. I'm a smoker which makes it more difficult still though I'm attempting to quit to save money and health, but given the health reasons stated above I'm thinking late life health may not matter all that much.
I mentioned my wife is poly, in fact she is at this very moment with her other partner she has been with since we met. I've embraced this thought pattern as well, and had a couple of relationships outside my marriage, and with the full knowledge of all parties . I like to keep things honest and i know some here wont embrace the same thought patterns. In keeping with that I have had one or two relationships of my own. They have been entirely with other TG or those who identify as CD though I identify as pansexual at this point.
One of those relationships is recent having ended a few months ago. I was dating a TG single mom ( FTM) . She met a girl during our relationship and that relationship with me ended, badly. Her name was Brooke.
In the process of our realtionship I found out she was involved with the local Gender Mosaic organaization, a group for all gender issues but mostly frequented by TG. I met one other person from Gender Mosaic and heard loads about someone else other than Brooke, a TG gal named Rachel who had some very strange opinions and attitudes. So in total I know 3 people from the maybe 8-10 core members of gendr mosaic and 2 of them I dont wantto be associated with. There;s almost no resources for GID in Ottawa and the largest one, I wont go anywhere near as I dont feel comfortable due to a previous relationship.
Add to that I'm not seeing a psychologist or gender therapist and you begin to see the problem. I've clearly made a decision to transition at least as far as identifying on a daily basis and getting involved in hair removal and eventually yhe intention of hormones. I havent put on any mens clothes in over a year including at work and I have realized I've spent no money on mens clothes in two. I dress at work in a call center daily ( If you work for pfizer pharmaceutical and call the helpdesk, that's me, and yes I have spoken to the people who work on the premarin line I think the person was surprised when I said I'd heard of it) Yet i've got no professional support, and very little social support save a over the top fantastic spouse who's main understandable concern is at loss of functionality from hormones an issue I've not addressed yet. I've come to the conclusion that i'm transitioning while never really decided to do so or admit it to myself in some ways but I've come to accept it and embrace it,and in some ways be amused by it
In the end I have a ton of issues ranging from health concerns to transitioning as a parent to obtaining the right treatments with virtually no accessible assistance.
I actually walked off my job on friday due to a misunderstanding which I may have worked out.I realized it wasnt 100% their fault a number of added stressors have recently been at play like the estates of the aforementioned deceased parents in how they relate to me.
The only thing I do get to do , is once in a while write it all down all the frustrations so I can go back to it in a week or so and try and think with more persective how I might go more efficiently towards my goals, and determining what they are.Welcome to my version of therapy.
I'm 43 and have been a computer tech most of my adult life. It's never been a good livingbut it's paid some bills.I both love and detest technology.
I have 4 children from 2 relationships. The first realationship was with a Femdom I stayed with for 13 years. I have 2 children by her a 17year old who lives with me and a 10 year old who lives primarily with her. weve been split 6 years and I remarried,she didnt. It wasnt an easy split for either ofusbut I've moved on in my life, while she has regressed. She always had issues withweight and self perception and my ex has lived on social assistance, and at nearly 40 never to date held a job.
I've remarried to a girl 18 years my junior 3 1/2 years ago , weve been together 5. She had one child from a previous relationship who has been with me since he was 1 and is now 6 and was abandoned by his natural father.And we've had one child together. who is now 4 .
My second child from the first relationship, who is now 10, has had some challenges in life. He was slow to talk. He wouldnt look you in the eye or wave, and used to pound his head against the floor and wndows ( often breaking them) when he was younger about 4. I lived in the country with my ex with limited health care, so I didnt know the signs of autism. He's a relatively "normal" 10 year old now even if he has some challenges like having a dirtpoor mom and not being able to tie his own shoes due to some fine motor deficits.
Then there is my last and final son, who's 4. A year and a half ago he was diagnosed as full blown autistic and at 4 still doesnt talk , at all. He's agreat kid with a wonderful personality but who faces cahllenges and i fear he may always be non-verbal. He also "stims" and has other odd behaviouir quirks.
I spoke to my mom in about may last year. I didnt tell her why but I started to ask her about some autism symptoms, and my own childhood. I already knew i rarely looked people in the eye, that I was unaware of my own voice volume, and I confirmed that there were several others as well. Of course in thelate 60's early 70's there wasnt much knowledge of autism, and I remember mom going from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what was wrong.I was eventually diagnosed with epilepsy though I have little doubt that I carry at least some symptoms of ASD and havent had a seuzure since 4 and havent been on meds since 11.
My mom died suddenly about a month after I asked those questions so there will be no more answers. My father died about a year before that of lewy body disease. if you havent heard of it dont be surprised. It's passedbetween male members of the same genetics and starts to manifest about age 50. Did I mention I'm 43? I already get some long term memory loss and lack of retention.Onehell ofaretirement plan.
I started collecting panties around 18-20 but remember having certain attractions to feminine wear from very young. I collected some womens clothes thtough my 20's and 30's and wore them in secret. It wasnt very long before I was discovered and my Ex saw it as a threat. I remeber her dressing meup once very early on, and I wasnt ready for it and wasnt ready to expose myself to anyone, most especially my life partner . I may not have handled it well, but it was alot of years ago. Despite these shortcomings some aspects of my TG'ness slipped out. By thetimeIleft my Ex I had been to several fetish events dressed female and had kept my legs shaved for about 8 years. It wasnt something that was accepted by my ex, and I remember her several times asking me if I was a fag or belittling in other ways. I took that very hard.
My current wife is the polar opposite. Where my Ex belittled my wife endorsed and encouraged.
I should tell a bit about how my wife and I came together. 16 years ago I took a serious interest in bdsm ( another life long passion and one stronger than even my transgenderism). There was no community to speak of In ottawa back then andmy Ex and I ( mostly I) set about creating one. We organized munches, and some fet nights. When I stopped annoyed at scene politics others took over and deveolped (with more than a little help from me) a vibrant community with it's own social networking site and a full time alternative community center . Unfortunately the cliques and inability of people to get alonghas watered down the integrityof that community, and that community center is scheduled to close inoct, the woman who runs it has been harrassed ( ez had joe job postings made about her, even had the locks on the club filled with glue.
My wife came out to that community as an 18 year old about the same time the club opened. We met briefly once or twice when I was with my ex and chatted, but never related the two together. We finally met "properly" a few months after my ex and I split when she was 20 at a munch. A few nights later I invited her out for coffee, if she would go handcuffed. She did, and we've been together since.She was also polyamorous and had no intention of giving up her other relationships something she made clear from the beginning. I was drawn to her openness, and acceptance.In the first week I had told her i shaved my legs and liked to dress up, and she immediately demanded I do so that very second for her. She identifies as partially ftm with some "penile envy" .
In the 5-6 years we have been together I've changed dramatically and I have to acknolege this. I've dressed more often, and for the first time publicly both in and out of public fetish events. I've grown my hair out and 3 years ago decided to permanently change my appearance by plucking brows and growing hair out. 2 years ago I decided to look into laser, and I'm now starting. I can envisage a day when I'll start hormones but have zero health system support for my transition at the moment which makes things difficult and I have so far refused to self medicate as I am not a doctor and cant adequately make decision regarding my own health.
On the subject of health care, I'm in canada. Yes i get some free health care but only what is approved by the government, who do not make finding TG support easily. Some people get more from private health care from work benefits, but I've opted out of work benefits due to cost for a family of my size it would have been more than $200 a month. I'm a smoker which makes it more difficult still though I'm attempting to quit to save money and health, but given the health reasons stated above I'm thinking late life health may not matter all that much.
I mentioned my wife is poly, in fact she is at this very moment with her other partner she has been with since we met. I've embraced this thought pattern as well, and had a couple of relationships outside my marriage, and with the full knowledge of all parties . I like to keep things honest and i know some here wont embrace the same thought patterns. In keeping with that I have had one or two relationships of my own. They have been entirely with other TG or those who identify as CD though I identify as pansexual at this point.
One of those relationships is recent having ended a few months ago. I was dating a TG single mom ( FTM) . She met a girl during our relationship and that relationship with me ended, badly. Her name was Brooke.
In the process of our realtionship I found out she was involved with the local Gender Mosaic organaization, a group for all gender issues but mostly frequented by TG. I met one other person from Gender Mosaic and heard loads about someone else other than Brooke, a TG gal named Rachel who had some very strange opinions and attitudes. So in total I know 3 people from the maybe 8-10 core members of gendr mosaic and 2 of them I dont wantto be associated with. There;s almost no resources for GID in Ottawa and the largest one, I wont go anywhere near as I dont feel comfortable due to a previous relationship.
Add to that I'm not seeing a psychologist or gender therapist and you begin to see the problem. I've clearly made a decision to transition at least as far as identifying on a daily basis and getting involved in hair removal and eventually yhe intention of hormones. I havent put on any mens clothes in over a year including at work and I have realized I've spent no money on mens clothes in two. I dress at work in a call center daily ( If you work for pfizer pharmaceutical and call the helpdesk, that's me, and yes I have spoken to the people who work on the premarin line I think the person was surprised when I said I'd heard of it) Yet i've got no professional support, and very little social support save a over the top fantastic spouse who's main understandable concern is at loss of functionality from hormones an issue I've not addressed yet. I've come to the conclusion that i'm transitioning while never really decided to do so or admit it to myself in some ways but I've come to accept it and embrace it,and in some ways be amused by it
In the end I have a ton of issues ranging from health concerns to transitioning as a parent to obtaining the right treatments with virtually no accessible assistance.
I actually walked off my job on friday due to a misunderstanding which I may have worked out.I realized it wasnt 100% their fault a number of added stressors have recently been at play like the estates of the aforementioned deceased parents in how they relate to me.
The only thing I do get to do , is once in a while write it all down all the frustrations so I can go back to it in a week or so and try and think with more persective how I might go more efficiently towards my goals, and determining what they are.Welcome to my version of therapy.