Who put the downer in your drink?

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Ok this is a rant of sorts but also a serious question. Ok, so lately, my other trans friends have been super depressed, all the time. One of them claims she has rolling depression. The other is just plain moody. None of us has had HRT or anything but we all feel we are TS. So I figure that puts us on a even playing field in terms of emotions. Now, is there something wrong with me because I am not depressive all the time and just a plain downer day in and day out? I mean look, I came to terms with my gender identity a long time ago. I know I don't have all my right parts, but I know that someday I will. So for the most part I am a very happy go lucky person. I live FT, and for now that is enough to get me through. I think it helps of course a bit that I pass (mostly), but still. I mean yes, of course, I HATE my body, I absolutely hate it. But hidden under the right cloths no one notices that I am a boy dressed as a girl so whats up with me? I mean in order to be a true TS do I have to cry every time I look at the same body I have been looking at for 23 years? Do I have to loathe every waking moment? Is it wrong of me and bad show for me as a transexual girl to be making the best of my life and accept the fact that right now there are things that I cannot control? Or am I fine and these girls just need to take a chill pill.

[prene]

Ok this is a rant of sorts but also a serious question. Ok, so lately, my other trans friends have been super depressed, all the time. One of them claims she has rolling depression. The other is just plain moody. None of us has had HRT or anything but we all feel we are TS. So I figure that puts us on a even playing field in terms of emotions. Now, is there something wrong with me because I am not depressive all the time and just a plain downer day in and day out? I mean look, I came to terms with my gender identity a long time ago. I know I don't have all my right parts, but I know that someday I will. So for the most part I am a very happy go lucky person. I live FT, and for now that is enough to get me through. I think it helps of course a bit that I pass (mostly), but still. I mean yes, of course, I HATE my body, I absolutely hate it. But hidden under the right cloths no one notices that I am a boy dressed as a girl so whats up with me? I mean in order to be a true TS do I have to cry every time I look at the same body I have been looking at for 23 years? Do I have to loathe every waking moment? Is it wrong of me and bad show for me as a transexual girl to be making the best of my life and accept the fact that right now there are things that I cannot control? Or am I fine and these girls just need to take a chill pill.

WOW
What a story.
I love dressing and being feminine. I to wish I had all the right parts. But not sure if I will go thru with SRS. I am still talking with my therapist about hrt.
I wish I had you looks ... I would be easier to transition if I looked more feminine in the face.

I to am like you. I love life and who I am... I wish I was born female but I was not so....
life is to short to not be happy.

[Phyliss]

You're perfectly fine.
Those who spend every waking moment, expounding on how much they "hate" this part of themself or loathe that area of their body, and are sure to tell eveybody about it, I term , "drama queens".
Everything is a major life altering event.
Example: "OMG where did that single hair on my knee cap come from? What will they think of me at the salon, when I have my pedicure next week?"
The rest of the day is spent telling everybody about the rigors of having to shave and all the life tortures they experience.

I can't judge you or your life situation, BUT ... Yeah, I happen to have a "slight deformity" that, frankly, I didn't know I had. Always wondered why I felt like I did. Once I made the mental connection that what I was born with wasn't supposed to be there, and that was the reason for my general attitude, Life in general, for me has gotten better and I don't become melodramatic over the slightest thing anymore.
BTW , I've been on HRT for just over a yr now, and I do believe "they" put "happy stuff" in the Estrogen. I've not been this happy and content, EVER in my life, for this long. Like the person in the wilderness finding others and enjoying the companionship after so long alone.

My only advice, for what it's worth. If you find that an "anchor" is weighing you down, make yourself free of it, in what ever way you can, no matter how much it might cause pain. Your freedom and happy life are your doing, and right.

[noeleena]

Hi,

23 years of age , try 63. & a lot of issues during that time & never ever hated my body. tho i will say i did not .....like ..... the way my face looked. then or now,.

its not the ,as a friend has said you must have looked a handsome man . or i dont look like a woman. the lacks were & still are dyslexia learning details brain to hand cordinasion with music writeing & the confidence self worth selfesteem. issues, as a person nothing at all to do with wether im male or female.

Depression oh yes i know what that is first hand & worked with Jos for 37 years of.

If one is not able to accept who they are or be able to live as a person then will it really matter what we look like or what body parts we have, or not if one can not be happy with the body we have then will we ever be,
Okay we can have surgerys to help us hormones & lots of help. yet if we dont accept our selfs first then even with every thing done for us are we really going to change .

We need to change our mind set in how we think, if it only concerns our body only, then i dought we will ever be happy & content in our selfs , till then,

We need to put in perspective the all of us not just what we think we see in the mirror of whats down below,
As you grow youll see what im getting at.

i never had a problem with my self as a male / female . i did as a person. because of details i had to work through. & still do. yet im very happy in my self & content being who i am , tho different ,

To give up is worse , because iv had to go through things battle.s hardships & a lot of other detail iv become strong , with out that i would not be where i am now. or who i am now.

To take the easy way out does not help or as id say being a moaning wimp. its about getting off one.s back side & working towards growing being who you are or should be, life can be a curse a bloody hard life. well you ether grow & work through it or go down ,

...noeleena...

[Aprilrain]

Stop comparing your insides to other peoples outsides. Usually I would be saying this If you were depressed and you said everyone else seems happy lol. Depression is a HUGE issue especially amongst trans people. I really struggle with it, my issues are varied but include all the body issues that we tend to suffer from. You SHOULD be happy your 23 for christ sake! that in and of its self would make ME happy! But seriously count your blessings and be thankful that you are able to put your life in perspective and keep moving forward. Your very pretty now, no doubt hormones and whatever else you elect to do coupled with your young age will give you so many more opportunities as a woman (a young woman) that many of us here did not get the chance to have. As for your friends try to understand that for so many self acceptance is difficult at best even after one makes the decision to move forward, even with great support, even if you pass reasonably well sometimes its really hard to turn off the negative self talk which is why therapy is so important. Be a friend but don't let someone who is in self destruct mode take you down with them.
April

[danielle40I]

Stop comparing your insides to other peoples outsides. Usually I would be saying this If you were depressed and you said everyone else seems happy lol. Depression is a HUGE issue especially amongst trans people. I really struggle with it, my issues are varied but include all the body issues that we tend to suffer from. You SHOULD be happy your 23 for christ sake! that in and of its self would make ME happy! But seriously count your blessings and be thankful that you are able to put your life in perspective and keep moving forward. Your very pretty now, no doubt hormones and whatever else you elect to do coupled with your young age will give you so many more opportunities as a woman (a young woman) that many of us here did not get the chance to have. As for your friends try to understand that for so many self acceptance is difficult at best even after one makes the decision to move forward, even with great support, even if you pass reasonably well sometimes its really hard to turn off the negative self talk which is why therapy is so important. Be a friend but don't let someone who is in self destruct mode take you down with them.
April
How profound these words are...and of the others who've contributed to this post.

As an older person, I have the ability to look back and think...what if. But you Teagan, as a much younger person have the profound gift of...what can be.

Perhaps it's time to ask yourself, "are these people I choose as friends unhealthy for me?". I truely understand the value of having others like you in your life. But are they really "like" you? Do they have the fire within them to see the positive as opposed to the negative. Positive attitude feeds on itself as does a negative one. Are you surrounded by positive or negative influences...and how is it constructive or destructive to the most important person in your life, you?

I do believe you are a very empathic girl, wanting so very much to sooth others in the most geniune of intentions. But in the best of circumstances, negative influences can profoundly impact ourselves in destructive "self talk" and subsequent defeatism.

Admittedly, I'm not where you are as a Transgender. But maybe, given my own life experiences, I might have a different perspective on how demoralizing the negativism of others can impact my own self image.

Just a few loving thoughts from me...Danielle

[Rianna Humble]

I'm sorry about your friends' depressions, but please don't beat yourself up about them - it is not your fault.


in order to be a true TS do I have to cry every time I look at the same body I have been looking at for 23 years? Do I have to loathe every waking moment? Is it wrong of me and bad show for me as a transsexual girl to be making the best of my life and accept the fact that right now there are things that I cannot control? Or am I fine and these girls just need to take a chill pill.

No, you don't have to cry every time you look at your body - part of self-acceptance can be coming to terms with what is wrong with you whilst you are aiming to put it right. Like you, I have not yet started hormones (although I can give you the reverse of your age - i.e. add another 32), and whilst I have serious issues with my body, I do not allow myself to be depressed that my naughty bits are still there. I am doing what I can to get into a situation where I can have my birth defect corrected, but until that happens, I just have to live with it to the best of my ability - just as you seem to be doing.

It is very definitely not wrong of you to make the best of your life. Accepting that there are things beyond your control is the best way to make progress in your life.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

as i got older i recall thinking that how could a "happy go lucky" person like me, who was always "in a good mood", and was "fun and positive to be around", turn into an anxious, marijuana addicted, depressed, pathetic loser that i was during my 40's...

i had clearly skated above my gender feelings for many years...and it was only myself that turned the knife inwards and i started punishing myself...it had nothing to do with anyone else, and no one but me could fix things...

you are so young, and since you are dealing with things head on, that's a great thing from a mental health perspective..you already "get it" and everything from here on in is what are you gonna do about it..

all you can do is be a good role model for your friends...i got such a role model in a fully transitioned woman that was a little older and had been through alot of stuff similar to mine...it was really helpful..and i don't see why you can't set an example for your friends...

[Starling]

How great to have the helping hand of a woman who has successfuly transitioned!

:) Lallie

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Thank you guys for the advice. I will probably be cutting them off or keeping my correspondence with them at a minimum from now on. The thing is every time I talk with them on skype, I find myself looking for anything else I can do on my computer to drown them out. simply because its the same things day in and day out. I have my own problems that are huge right now, like facing eviction and watching my credit go down. But I don't say these things to them because bad vibes continue bad vibes. I am not a dweller so it is hard to understand. I want to be empathetic but I am not a therapist and enough can be too much sometimes. I dealt with depression for many years when I was younger, but thats the thing, I dealt with it. Not to mention half of the conversations is "I'm depressed" and when I ask why they reply with "IDK" and thats a revolving circle of text. It gets old and just brings me down with em. I try to give advice that I used when I was coping with my own depression but they don't want to take it. Anyways ladies thanks for the help. Much appreciated.

[Inna]

Girl, if your spirits are high and you are looking forward to lifetime being YOU, then awesome! no need to be depressed. Your body will catch up after HRT and bit of working out/diet. I am 44 and if I could I would attach my pic in nude to illustrate to you that even old woman like me, who had gone through a life time of testosterone poisoning can achieve total female body, all with curves and appropriate bumps, all hormone induced, generic stuff.

[shoegazer]

Yes, they need to take a chill pill.

You are young, you are pretty, I assume you are not married so no messy divorce to go through, no kids.. many here would give anything to be in your situation. Be happy, have fun.. life is too short to waste your time being depressed =)

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Thank you guys for the advice.

Ladies sorry, force of habbiit I know I cringe when I hear someone call me a guy.....

[kristinacd55]

Well, as far as I go I'm very happy where I'm at. I'm not going to transition or do HRT, yet feel very comfortable with the way I am currently. Could that change? Does a bear shit in the woods? Of course, but at the moment I'm happy and a movin on!
It's great that you are happy and keep that happiness girl!

[Badtranny]

Well Teag,

As you know already there are an awful lot of Tgirls who truly believe that any happiness before SRS is tantamount to just being a boy in a dress. These girls will claim to be "real" because their pain and suffering is so obvious. Personally I think that's a load of poo.

I know people who wouldn't be happy if someone walked up and gave them a $100 bill. (how am I supposed to break this! Dontcha got five 20's?)

I totally agree with you and I've been told to my face (by a very masculine trans woman) that I was far too satisfied with my situation and she had serious concerns about my future. I asked her when I was allowed to be happy and she said being trans is not about being happy, it's about living or dying and real trans women are suicidal before they finally begin living their lives as women. Then I said that I've never been happier since I started my transition and I was looking forward to tomorrow for the first time in my life. By this time I was pretty irrititated by her attitude so just to goad her I blurted out for the first time that I probably won't even get SRS, and that successfully ended the conversation.

I've noticed that seems to really get under the skin of a certain type of trans woman. ;-)

Anyway, life is short, shorter for some of us, and I will not waste another precious minute being sad, angry, wishful, depressed, jealous, or regretful.

Fix your mind on your goal and just start pushing, but remind yourself to make the most of every step along the way. It'll all be over soon enough.

[Hope]

Or am I fine and these girls just need to take a chill pill.

You are fine, and your friends need to chill the fu(# out. Not that they don't have reason to be depressed, and reason to be bummed... but that sh17 it contagious and as you pointed out it creates it's own feedback loop. When you tell yourself you are depressed enough times, you will find a way to make it happen. There is also the Munchausen syndrome - where folks learn that they can get attention and comfort from others due to "depression" (or other malady) and so will ape, or in many cases actually believe they have, symptoms in order to get the attention and the comfort from others.

I think the best advice for dealing with depressed folks, is to walk with them - to the point where they want to walk. But when you get into that whole "IDK why I am depressed - I just am" or when it becomes a chronic state of affairs - leave them to wallow. You don't have to wallow with them. You don't have to be made miserable by their misery. Let them know you love them and when they are ready to move on from depression you will be there to walk with them, but as long as they just want to wallow - they are on their own.


Ladies sorry, force of habbiit I know I cringe when I hear someone call me a guy.....

Don't worry about it.

"You guys" is a pretty typical gender neutral phrase simply implying a group of folks. When I was FIRST out presenting I would get mildly cheesed off by "you guys" until I noticed that it happened no matter how many girls where in the group, and even when there were no men present at all. I asked my wife and friends about it - the consensus was that this is typical phraseology and no one is intending to imply any sort of gender by it. On a side note, I used to live in a place where colloquial usage was "yous guys" as the plural for the already plural "you guys." Always good for a laugh.

[Aprilrain]

On a side note, I used to live in a place where colloquial usage was "yous guys" as the plural for the already plural "you guys." Always good for a laugh.

funny! Yeah i think you guys is pretty standard northern gender neutral phraseology for a group of people. If your from the south (excluding most of florida) it would be y'all.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

n present at all. I asked my wife and friends about it - the consensus was that this is typical phraseology and no one is intending to imply any sort of gender by it. On a side note, I used to live in a place where colloquial usage was "yous guys" as the plural for the already plural "you guys." Always good for a laugh.

I thought that was just a Jay think from Jay and silent Bob. lol

[kellycan27]

Ok this is a rant of sorts but also a serious question. Ok, so lately, my other trans friends have been super depressed, all the time. One of them claims she has rolling depression. The other is just plain moody. None of us has had HRT or anything but we all feel we are TS. So I figure that puts us on a even playing field in terms of emotions. Now, is there something wrong with me because I am not depressive all the time and just a plain downer day in and day out? I mean look, I came to terms with my gender identity a long time ago. I know I don't have all my right parts, but I know that someday I will. So for the most part I am a very happy go lucky person. I live FT, and for now that is enough to get me through. I think it helps of course a bit that I pass (mostly), but still. I mean yes, of course, I HATE my body, I absolutely hate it. But hidden under the right cloths no one notices that I am a boy dressed as a girl so whats up with me? I mean in order to be a true TS do I have to cry every time I look at the same body I have been looking at for 23 years? Do I have to loathe every waking moment? Is it wrong of me and bad show for me as a transexual girl to be making the best of my life and accept the fact that right now there are things that I cannot control? Or am I fine and these girls just need to take a chill pill.


You are not only fine. you are super fine! As Kaitlyn said... "You get it". I know this because "I got it too". I began living full time at the age of 20. I was working full time and attending college. I didn't have the funds to actually begin to physically transition, but I did ( as you have mentioned) have some things on my side. I was young, petite, in pretty good shape and I was able to pull it off to a pretty good degree with clothing and make up. Add in the fact that when I began to move forward my peers were should we say more enlightened than the peers of some of those people who transitioned or are transitioning at and older age. Something else I discovered was that the older adults paid me little attention. It seemed like their attitude was along the lines of "kids". I don't think I was taken too seriously.... like they thought it was some phase, or just some kind of whim. Besides these things.. I had no real baggage to drag along, noone to answer to, no wife,no kids, I had a job with a company that was pretty diverse and had seen and accepted a lot of people who were living alternative life styles. Add everything up and what what I got was a ton of self confidence, and the freedom to live as a woman. By the time I was able to start my physical transtion I was already very comfortable in my own skin. At 24 I began HRT and I got a B/A and as of this moment I am 2 weeks shy of being 1 year post-op. ( I turned 29 this past March ). I honestly believe that the sum total of the things I have mentioned made my transition a lot smoother.
As for the doom and gloomer's ( not saying that they don't have legitimate reasons for their feelings), you are going to see a lot of that in the trans community ( for lack of a better description). There are lot of people who are having a very very hard time with this. You are going to see a lot of it on sites such as this and others, because they are... "support" sites, people come here to gain prospective, vent and get support. Sadly you may even experience some resentment, both on here and from your friends.
it's unfortunate ( but it happens) that your success and positive attitude may cause some of the depression that your friends are experiencing. I speak from expereince here. it does sort of seem that some of the attitudes expressed are along the lines of.. if you don't go through hell.. you can't be a real transsexual... after all, you haven't paid your dues! Bullshit! And while I am on my own personal soapbox there is something that I have noticed both here and on a couple of other transsexual sites.. and that is... "you can be a girl as long as you're not to girly about it. It's almost that one is remiss if they talk about things that are of interest to well... girls. Clothes, hair, make up shoes... My gg friends and I talk about this stuff. I am a girl and I like pretty girly things. i like to wear dresses and skirts and have my nails and hair done.I like to look pretty and wear make up. Nope! Not acceptable. Transsexuals are not about those things, transsexuals are about being the woman, transsexuals are about the struggle to be accepted as is.... whatever lol .
Anyway..I love your attitude and I think that you are on the right track to success! Stay strong and try not to take the doom and gloomers to heart. Something else that I sense in you is that you love it. I know i do .. I love every little thing about this. You're not doing anything wrong.. you're just doing it better.
Kelly

[Aprilrain]

Well said Kelly. I was hoping you would post as I imagined your experience as a young transitioner would be helpful to Teagan. something you said really hit me. "I sense in you is that you love it. I know I do" This has really started to become my reality. I have gone through a lot of emotional turmoil over being trans both before admitting to myself and after but in the last couple of weeks I have really started to own my fears instead of letting them own me.
I suspect, Teagan, that this may be the essential difference between your self and your friends. Some people are clinically depressed and probably just need therapy and medication and of course there is little you can do for them others may just be having circumstantial depression but if they are not willing to do some foot work then there is little you can do for them either. I've been supper depressed and know nothing anyone said to me was going to help (only thats not true because something my therapist said helped a lot) And I just needed to be in enough psychic pain to take some action to get MYSELF out of the miserable place I was wallowing in. There was a certain amount of satisfaction in crying ALL DAY LONG but ultimately that was very dysfunctional. I could make myself start crying by thinking about how screwed I was when the reality is My life is very good better than most I just wasn't able to appreciate it. Be thankful you appreciate your life!

[Badtranny]

Omfg Kelly!

I could hug you for that post. I honestly don't think I could have said it any better. ...and that hardly ever happens! ;-)

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kelly i noticed that over the last year or so, a number of friends that were really really downers, including two that are simply never going to transition started to seem jealous about things... one friend that did transition is finding it impossibly difficult with her family and she had pretty fantastical plans about her future which have crashed...they have all stopped calling me despite my constant offers to come visit..

because i have a situation with family and friends that all have known me for years, i've settled into a life with trappings from my past...but it is what it is, and frankly i just wake up everyday and do my thing...

its pretty amazing that the "treatment" really does work, and the better job you can do getting over the trick life played on you (which sometimes i still have problems around..especially around my guilt over getting married), the better off you can be...

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Kelly, thanks a ton of tons. I definitely feel you and I have a ton in common in our experiences. I am so glad to hear from someone who gets me not just on the transsexual level but also on the age level and social experiences level. I am so glad to also hear that not everyone hates their life completely before transition and that things can still turn out ok if you didn't. For a moment there I was starting to think I just wasn't transsexual because I have found ways to be happy for the moment. Let's not mix that up with feeling complete, because obviously I still want to feel full. BUT I am so excited that you shared your experience. This is not to discount anyone else's response, but I just feel like a huge connection with your experiences. I too love GIRL things. I haven't fully had the chance to express that and I can't wait. Bikini shopping to make the boys' heads turn is my ultimate ultimate ultimate thing I want to experience :) Anyways, that is so great to hear.

Oh an PS. I DO LOVE IT! bahahaha :))

[kellycan27]

Kelly, thanks a ton of tons. I definitely feel you and I have a ton in common in our experiences. I am so glad to hear from someone who gets me not just on the transsexual level but also on the age level and social experiences level. I am so glad to also hear that not everyone hates their life completely before transition and that things can still turn out ok if you didn't. For a moment there I was starting to think I just wasn't transsexual because I have found ways to be happy for the moment. Let's not mix that up with feeling complete, because obviously I still want to feel full. BUT I am so excited that you shared your experience. This is not to discount anyone else's response, but I just feel like a huge connection with your experiences. I too love GIRL things. I haven't fully had the chance to express that and I can't wait. Bikini shopping to make the boys' heads turn is my ultimate ultimate ultimate thing I want to experience :) Anyways, that is so great to hear.

Oh an PS. I DO LOVE IT! bahahaha :))

i didn't mean to come off as this has been a breeze. There are definite issues to deal with. I have had mime. I just try and not dwell on or look back at them. Even so.... they do still creep up now and then and I get scared and wonder if I can do this. I have to hand it to those who have had a harder time and still had the intestinal fortitude to move forward and do what they needed to do. I sometimes wonder if I would have been able to do it, under the same circumstances. The point that i was trying to get across to you was never let anyone steal your thunder

Kel

[Badtranny]

Yeah Kellz,

I'm glad you said that. Before we all get accused of having our heads in the clouds, let me concur that no one is saying that this is an easy thing to do. It's a crazy thing to do. People with established careers and families literally put everything at risk for something as insignificant as inner peace.

What we're trying to say is that life sucks already, so we owe it to ourselves to make the best out of our situations. I believe that we should all make an effort to be good examples for each other.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

Yeah Kellz,

I'm glad you said that. Before we all get accused of having our heads in the clouds, let me concur that no one is saying that this is an easy thing to do. It's a crazy thing to do. People with established careers and families literally put everything at risk for something as insignificant as inner peace.

What we're trying to say is that life sucks already, so we owe it to ourselves to make the best out of our situations. I believe that we should all make an effort to be good examples for each other.


Kelly and melissa,

I am not taking it as it's an easy thing to do, I know it's not and it's been rough. But like you said life sucks already, so we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. That is what I am doing. Just not wallowing in that fact and tryin' my best to make it LOOK easy lol.

[Jessinthesprings]

it may sound simplistic but everyone deals with gender conflict differently. Some get so drepressed they attempt suicide while others never think about it. I only get depressed when I feel I am getting traped in a male life, and not moveing forward to my goals

[Sophora]

Kelly and melissa,

I am not taking it as it's an easy thing to do, I know it's not and it's been rough. But like you said life sucks already, so we owe it to ourselves to make the best of it. That is what I am doing. Just not wallowing in that fact and tryin' my best to make it LOOK easy lol.

This is how I have been approaching it as well. I have been unhappy as a male most of my life. I am actually happy now that I can be me finally. Although shortly I will be me on a part time basis again.

[Hope]

it's unfortunate ( but it happens) that your success and positive attitude may cause some of the depression that your friends are experiencing. I speak from expereince here. it does sort of seem that some of the attitudes expressed are along the lines of.. if you don't go through hell.. you can't be a real transsexual... after all, you haven't paid your dues! Bullshit! [/quote

This

[QUOTE=kellycan27;2549667]And while I am on my own personal soapbox there is something that I have noticed both here and on a couple of other transsexual sites.. and that is... "you can be a girl as long as you're not to girly about it. It's almost that one is remiss if they talk about things that are of interest to well... girls. Clothes, hair, make up shoes... My gg friends and I talk about this stuff. I am a girl and I like pretty girly things. i like to wear dresses and skirts and have my nails and hair done.I like to look pretty and wear make up. Nope! Not acceptable. Transsexuals are not about those things, transsexuals are about being the woman, transsexuals are about the struggle to be accepted as is.... whatever lol .

And a double helping of this please.