Paving the way prior to coming out to wife

[Suzy Parker]

So I am seriously ready, just no nerve yet, to have the talk with my wife. I was wondering what little things I could do to sort of pave the way before doing so. I like to shop with her unlike most men and actually pick out nice things for her. I will spontainiously purchase nice things from EBay for her. When channel surfing I often stop on what not to wear or say yes to the dress. She asked me once how come we were getting Jessica London plus size catalogs in my name in the mail, I blamed it on some other company selling name lists for mailings and she dismissed it. What other things can I or should I do ease into this, what subtle hints can I leave to get her thinking about things on her own? I don't want to do this completely cold turkey.

Thanks

BTW, just so you all know my avatar is not me. It is however an accurate representation of my inner self and shows the style and shape I hope to achieve.
FYI

[marny]

The way I brought it in was to slowly introduce things to y wordrobe, I'm pretty sure the bra and the forms were the kicker. marny.

[Jenniferathome]

There is no way to leak this out. Take a deep breath and tell her. The odds are high that she knows or suspects but no matter, confirmation will still be a shock. Sit down with her when you both have time, not while cooking, for example. This talk will change your life and not just in the cross dressing way.

[Suzy Parker]

I've often played the stupid man card to avoid showing my femanine side, I can be more sensative than I oftenam if only this mental block was taken away. I want to tell her so badly but am scared.

[boardpuppy]

Being scared is normal for any male es[ecially when they want to have "the talk" with their SO. You are doing alot more level headed thinking than I did, I just plowed into the deep end of the pool but I don't think this was the best way to do it, however it is working out mostly alright.
Alice

[Eryn]

Jennifer is correct in that you cannot leak this out bit by it, and by doing so you risk being "caught" which from your wife's point of view will likely be worse than "coming clean."

OK, let's look at the situation. Does this involves strong feelings, obsessive thoughts, etc.? Is it bothering you? Is it causing problems with your relationship with your wife? If you are like I was at this point the answer to all three questions is a definite "Yes!"

This is your starting point. You have a problem that is affecting your relationship with your wife. You are 100% justified in sitting down with her at an appropriate time and saying "Dear, there is something that is bothering me that is difficult for me to talk about, yet I feel that we need to talk about it."

It is almost certain that your wife will be empathetic and will want to help you with whatever the problem is. She'll ask what it is and you will now have the opening you need to tell her what is on your mind.

Keep it simple but precise. Don't say "I like to crossdress" as that terminology can be confusing. Say "Sometimes it makes me feel calmer if I dress in female clothing." or whatever statement defines your situation as simply as possible. You can fill in the details later on if it is warranted.

Be sure to listen to what she has to say. She will have questions (Gay?, Transition?) and you should be ready with answers. If you don't know the answer to a question it is OK to say "I don't know the answer to that right now." Don't make promises you cannot keep. This will be a time of high emotion and it's easy to blurt out things we regret later. Avoid doing this yourself and be prepared to forgive your wife if she does so. This is not the time to be drawing lines in the sand!

The first conversation will not resolve the situation. Generally, a lot of discussion spread over weeks or months is required. The most important thing is to keep the lines of communications open. Silence is cancer to a relationship.

I wish you the best. I know that this is a very difficult thing to do.

Eryn

[Chickhe]

2 possible ways...

1. Tell her you are a CD, TV, TG, TS etc....
2. Just do it... start with a party and go dressed.

Can't say what's the best, but she is going to be thinking ...'is this a life changing event?...or just some unusual activity?'.

[Suzy Parker]

There is no easy button for this one. Any more thoughts or prayers on this will be appreciated. Once I come out I will be sure to let everyone know how it went.

Thank You Everyone

Suzy Satin

[AmyGaleRT]

Suzy, you can bet I'll be watching closely...because I'm in the same boat as you, wanting to have The Talk with my fiancee. It's possible I can learn from your experience.

Oh, I get the catalogs in my name at home too, but so far, I have an innocent explanation, in that I have bought things for her from those same catalogs. (I'm actually a couple sizes smaller than her...don't know how she'll take that!)

[prettytoes]

My wife of 27 years found out "the hard way" a few months ago (she found my stash of clothes). After a few days that were very rough, we had a nice conversation. I explained to her that this was a part of me as long as I could remember and that I tried to stop many times, and that it wasn't going away. I explained to her that I kept it hidden out of fear of losing her. She is a great woman and has been very understanding. While she does not participate, she is OK with it. I do not dress in front of her (skirts, dresses), but she is OK with panties 24/7, painted toenails, nighties, and she washes all my clothes with the other laundry. She knows I wear sports bras, as they are in the wash with everything else.
I have been much happier and I sleep far better at night. I have become more accepting of my feminine side, and life in general has been far better. I only wish I had told her years ago. Everyone is differant, so it is hard for any of us to say how your wife will react. I can only share how much better our relationship has been since my wife found out. Good luck!

[Samantha_Smile]

My wife to be found out from internet history right as I was making plans to come clean.
Now I know youre probly deleting history enteries from your browser, but that's not my point. My point is that I would much rather have told her myself than have her find out alone with nobody to answer her questions and fears.

Don't get me wrong, whether you tell her yourself or she finds out, what follows will be difficult, possibly painfull for both of you, but it needs to happen.
My biggest regret is not having told her myself, try not to end up sharing that feeling with me.

Good Luck x

[Sara Jessica]

Even though I cannot relate to scenarios where one of us is telling a spouse of our TG nature years into a relationship (as in this was not an experience in my world), I am a proponent for full disclosure...

Eventually.

I have seen more than a few examples in these pages where people have come in here like gangbusters, participated up a storm and find themselves doing something rash without much forethought.

You are a July 2011 arrival with 117 posts already. I'm taking that at face value, for all I know you have lurked (read-only, no participation) for a period of time.

What I'm saying is be careful, be thoughtful and be certain you are making a fully informed decision and not just diving in head first without checking for a sandbar underneath the waves. I'm not saying this is the case but you may be caught up in the moments here and have hopes & dreams about what her reaction might be that is fueling your desire to plunge forward. This whole thing is not easy for the women in our lives and I would bet that the chances are greater than not that your spouse will have some serious issues with your disclosure. Again, I'm not saying that you shouldn't disclose, it's just that you need to really think it through.

Be careful!!!

[Suzy Parker]

Thank you Sara and everyone else.

I have not been lurking at all and realize I started out as Chatty Suzy and all but there is 40 years dying to be shared. This is the first step helping me ready myself to coming out which I don't plan on happening for at least a couple of months while I research and ready myself as best I can before I do so.

[Sandra]

Firstly don't drop hints, secondly don't let her find out on her own. Sorry but you have to tell her, ask her to listen to what you have to say be honest don't lie because she will find out, then listen to what she has to say, and again be honest when you answer her.

It's not going to be easy but it will be a heck of a lot worse if she does find out on her own.

[Karren H]

Just come out and tell her. She is either going to be accepting or not. No paving the way will change that. Once she knows then you can work towards moving her off what ever position she takes. Assuming she's not 100% accepting. My bet is she isn't. Or won't be. And good luck!

[Tina B.]

Hints don't work, we think they will, but they don't. If you drop a hint, and the other person is not even in the same ball park as to what you are hinting at, they will draw the wrong conclusion, having no reference point to think cross dresser, it's just not in everybody's first thoughts, unless you are one. I knew I could not live with the secret, so one day I just sat her down and blurted out, may not of done a great job, but being married to an open minded women, she accepted it right away, I wish we could all be so lucky. What ever you do,I wish you, lots of luck, I know my life got much better after we had the talk!
Tina B.

[Inna]

It seems that little tiny clues are almost always dismissed because it is such a flip for them when faced with truth. For majority of my life I send clues out to love ones ad nothing, absolutely nothing.

Mind you, I was called a woman of the house, this is real! I was called more mother to my child then mother was, which by the way real mother didn't like at all.

I was called sensual, shy, emotional and after all that,no one, I mean NO ONE had a clue.

When I presented the news everyone was shocked, REALLY! Yes, they never suspected anything other than just a sensitive guy.

So get your spirits up, be soft and slow and understanding of her side, do not wonder into the bedroom in woman's underwear and say "Here I am".

Present it the way it is but kindly enough for her to absorb, she subconsciously knows such as it was for my loved ones but subconscious has to catch up with conscious and that takes time.

Good luck, remember, truth is one and in truth, love and happiness dwell and only in truth.

%,,,,~

[Ameli]

You can add me to the list of people who think you should just come out with it and don't hint around. Her having suspicions isn't helpful and I think those types of suspicions are worrisome and hurtful. Of all the things I didn't do right in my life, having my wife find out "the hard way" is the one I regret the most. Every day you wait is another day that she might find out on her own. I think that the deceit is often harder to take than the crossdressing is and I think the easier for her to be understanding when the trust isn't broken as well. Of course, it won't be easy for either of you. I was unable to come clean because I held so much shame in regards to my crossdressing. I see now that I wasn't able to work through that shame and guilt until she knew. Our individual issues around me being a crossdresser are still a work in progress, but it gets easier, lighter and more fun as the time goes by. I'm sure glad I don't have that heavy weight on me any longer though. Best of luck to you.

Ameli

[Suzy Parker]

I am thinking the idea of a few subtle hints is not to have her ask about things but rather to possibly if only slightly subdue the initial shock when I have the talk with her. My plan is slow and gentle and prepare myself as best as possible by listening to and absorbing everyones wonderful advice. Then once I think I am ready it will then just be timing, right place right time.

Thanks Everyone

Suzy

[giuseppina]

Hello Suzy

Please have a look at this thread.

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?13841-How-to-tell-your-partner

There is plenty of good ideas from a GG's point of view.

Good luck with your spouse. :hugs:

[ReineD]

Ah! Giuseppina beat me to the link! :) Please read it.

Anyway, good luck with your conversation. You might eventually tell her about this site, and suggest that she join too. We have a support section for the wives, see the link under my signature.

Most important, listen to what she says and if she is fearful, help her get to the bottom of her fears. It will take a while before her understanding of the CDing matches yours.

[mercterr]

After Hiding from the world for 26 years and my wife of nearly 20, I told her I crossdress about 5 weeks ago. She didn't leave me which was my biggest fear but she hasn't embraced the whole idea either. We are kind of at a "don't ask, don't tell" stage. She has no desire to see me dressed in any women's clothing and has said seeing me in a dress may push her to leave. We have an understanding that I will under dress and I wear male underwear to bed. She needs time to absorb this and we are working on our relationship. She may one day come to a place of comfort with this or she may not. I have asked her to let me know if she simply can not handle this as we should not be together if we are going to harbor latent resentment for each other. I really hope this all works out and we stay together. I love her dearly and we get along great.

My coming out was prompted by a pain/anxiety medicine that lowered my inhibitions and allowed me to finally tell my deepest and only secret from her. I have since told my parents, her mom and our son. Everyone was really accepting of me but her. If it was any other man but her mate she would not have a problem with it. On the one hand a huge weight has been lifted off of me. On the other, our tranquil life has been severely disrupted.

She is upset and hurt that I kept a secret from her for all these years. She said she feels like I was cheating on her with myself. I suggest if or when you tell your wife, you tell her honestly, gently and straight forward. She may not be happy about the news but it is part of who you are and it is not going away. Good luck. I still haven't decided if i made a good choice or a bad one. I have come a long way in the last few weeks in accepting me and putting away the shame. That feels very good.

Mercterr

["Mary"]

This worked for me - Halloween is about 100 days away. Make plans to dress up. Be a character that is a woman. Tell her you really enjoyed and wish Halloween wasn't just one day a year. You'd like to do a better job of it and want dress up more often. It's fun.

That worked for me

[Eryn]

This worked for me - Halloween is about 100 days away. Make plans to dress up. Be a character that is a woman. Tell her you really enjoyed and wish Halloween wasn't just one day a year. You'd like to do a better job of it and want dress up more often. It's fun.

That worked for me

This might work in the short term, but if she ever finds out that you have a CDing history before that (for example, belonging to this forum right now) she will feel deceived.

At this time, honesty is the best policy. Even a hint of deception or obfuscation will not help your situation.

[Suzy Parker]

I am she

She is me

We are two souls

Sharing one body

I miss her and am unhappy when we are seperated

Then content and at peace when together

[RenneB]

I left a pair of overtheknee boots on the bed some time ago and she found them. It's a long story for another thread but basically, I tried to come out by saying that "oh they're mine but I bought them for you" I was really ready to spill it all and continue the conversation with the other side of my life but then she said, "no way, I'm not wearing those and I'm glad you're not wearing them either". Well that put the seal on ever coming out to her, she just isn't the type I guess...

The challege is, you are risking it all. If I came out and she files for the bid D, I'm left paying child support and living in a lil' apartment. Or I can just keep it all inside and stay in this big ol house and keep the status quo... It's basically all or nothing and I'm not ready to throw those dice yet...... I'm sure the day will come, just not for now.

Renne.....

[ReineD]

Renne, I'm certainly not pretending I know what your wife is like, but I can say that it is possible to be supportive of the CDing while at the same time refusing to wear certain kinds of clothes. Mini skirts and over knee boots (together with fishnets for example, and low cut, tight tops) may well be a style that your wife doesn't see herself in. There are many women who wouldn't go out dressed like that. I mean, I have on a few occasions but this was at a night club. There's no way I'd wear that stuff just to go out in my day-to-day life, but this doesn't take away from my support of my SO. I wouldn't want her to go out dressed like that with me either. LOL Although as I said these clothes are fine for nightclub or fetish wear.

[Cynthia Anne]

Get-er-done Girl! I'm not getting any younger! Just kidding! I'm sure a nice talk at a peaceful time is the best! However she takes it, respect her! I hope the best for you in what ever you decide! Hugs always!

[Debglam]

Suzy,

There is some good advice in these posts but let me add one thing from my own experience. This will be a shocking and confusing event for your SO. You have to be crystal clear. That means don't make hints - sit her down and tell her the whole thing. A big part of this is timing! Pick a time where she can listen with undivided attention.

Bottom line is that I screwed this up and had to have "the talk" twice! Fortunately it has worked out well in spite of this!

Good luck!
Debby

[AmyGaleRT]

Sara, I can't help but feel you were talking to me as well as Suzy!

I'm in no particular hurry myself; in fact, the biggest thing I have to get over is working up the nerve to have The Talk with my fiancee! The only real deadline I'd face is if we had a firm date to get married, and we haven't set one. But I do think that she ought to have full disclosure before we actually tie the knot. I owe her that much.

In the meantime, I will be here, reading as much as I can, and chiming in when the mood strikes me. It does help...

[prettytoes]

I tried the dropping hints...while she was painting her toes I'd ask her if she could do mine next, then laugh. I wore women's underwear for years; thongs (mostly cotton, nothing super femme), boyshorts, and women's boxer style. I told her they fit better and were cheaper and more comfortable than men's. When she found my hidden stash of clothes, she was floored. She had absolutely no clue that I liked to crossdress. My wife is a very intelligent woman, not at all naive. No matter how strong the hints, your wife may not "put it all together". Best to tell her, and be prepared for all the typical questions, "are you gay?" (almost always the first response), "do you want to become a woman?", etc. I also got her the book "My Husband Wears My Clothes" which I read as well. It was very good and explained things pretty well. I also got "My Husband Betty". It was a little too deep, but also helped her to understand.
I am much happier now that I can have my toes painted, sleep in nighties, and wear panties 24/7 (much more feminine styles/patterns/colors than what I used to wear). I never expected her to be so good about all this. She does not participate, but I am hoping that as time goes on she will open up even more. She is not much into makeup, so I won't get much help there. I do hope that she starts buying me some feminine clothes, nail polish, etc.
Please keep us advised how things go for you. I would have much prefered to tell her on my terms, but it all worked out for us in the end.