Thougts of pregnancy and motherhood driving me crazy.

[Myojine]

So I'm not sure how many other transgender's are fond of children, but...
I adore them.
I think the one thing that could pull me away from the video games and computers would be children(then id probably corupt them with video games XD).
I mean... Its hard to explain how much the idea of pregnancy and motherhood really makes me... happy.. and severely depressed at the same time.
I mean its always been on my mind... I remember it prominantely becomming apparent to me when iw as 17.
forgive me but i think im getting a migrane...
It just .... motherhood is like, this absolutely undenably... sacred and...
I dont even know the words in english for waht i want to say.
Theres a word in german that describes my feelings for it
"Sensucth" when translated to english it means.. longing... or "unbeleivebley strong need"(for something).
Lately its really bugging me.
And im not sure how to deal with it compounded with me being discharged from the army, and my boyfriend being a ****ing looser and almost getting me fired from work...

I know some transwomen could careless, i mean i sorta feel as though theyre only in it for the looks and sex(i dotn mean offecen by that).
I mean i've heard some things like "I couldnt care less for the little brats" "How could you ever want children?"
it cuts deep.... really deep.

Im just wondering. Why do i feel like im alone in this subject. Maybe I just havent meet the right people?
I mean people have suggested, "Well if you want kids, go get a girl pregnant then"
Perposterous. I dont want to be the father
no
****ing
way
EVER would i consider that. NO WAY.
Mother or nothing.

Just wondering, why does this hurt so bad....

[jennCD]

What's the difference to you mentally with having fathered a child or being a mother to a child as a transwoman? Either way, you are simply their parent and the experience should be the same. Since you cannot give birth yourself, what are your legitimate options?

jenn

[Myojine]

What's the difference to you mentally with having fathered a child or being a mother to a child as a transwoman?

This is going to be really ****ing rude but

I cant beleive you just asked that

having fathered a child

being a mother to a child

Seriously I hope i just took this wrong.
But really?
You said it right there


I dont want to be the stupid ****ing father
I dont want the be the male entity
I would rather die, than be a father.

get it?

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Myojine,

I can relate to what you are saying - there is no way that I could ever be a father but one of my lasting regrets is that I can never be a biological mother. In my case the options are further limited by my age.

Probably doesn't help much, but at least you are not alone.

[gretchen2]

I know that I have thought about it on several occasions and when I see a pregnant woman it makes me a little sad, but then I try to turn it around and be happy for that woman who can have babies. There are a lot of genetic woman out there who can not have children and my own mother being one of them. It's just part of life, there are some things that we just can not do and dwelling on the negative aspects of what we can't do will get us no where except deeper in the hole. There's always adoption.

[Sara Jessica]

Jenn made a valid point but at the same time I think she missed the essence of what you were trying to convey (which BTW didn't warrant your reply toned the way it was).

The unique bond between a mother and her child is something that some might say is created by virtue of carrying that child. If we hold this to be true, then it will always be something that the natal female will have that a trans woman can never experience or achieve.

Yet how would one explain that same mothering bond which is achieved by the woman who cannot conceive or carry a child to term who then turns to adoption in order to fulfill this need? She is no less of a mother, no less of a parent, and certainly no less of a woman. This is where the situation parallels our world. You can certainly parent a child, whether the child is of your genetics or not, it doesn't matter. The question is whether you naturally have what it takes to mother that child. But even if you don't, chances are better than not that you would have what it takes to be a good parent. This is what counts at the end of the day.

[kellycan27]

My husband and I would love to have children. I got over the fact that I can't birth them, and we have been looking into both adoption and using a surrogate...or using a combination of both methods. My husband is fertile, and I banked some sperm before my SRS, and i think it would be wonderful if our children could have at least one biological parent. He or I....it doesn't really matter because I would still be their mother and he would still be their father. I have to agree with Jenn here.. what difference would it make if your sperm made the child.. you'd still be their mother no? How much closer can you get to birthing your kids than by using your sperm to be their biological "mom"? Kind of seems like a no brain-er to me if one wants children unless of course, the problem is really a matter of "I want to be pregnant" waaaaaaaaaa. :2c:

Kelly

[Kaitlyn Michele]

myojone
i have two daughters... i love being their "parent"..

you are only hurting yourself by going to this place.... and frankly based on your posts and responses, you are not mature enough to have kids responsibly...

if you are fully transitioned, with a husband or at least a SO that wants kids with you, then get all upset over not being a mom...or work something out..

inother words..grow up

[Pythos]

myojone,

Having read your several posts here over time, knowing you only as a poster here that has been majorly screwed by the world...but seemed to do not one thing to stop that from happening, but instead blamed everyone and everything about it, and knowing of too many people brought up by really messed up parents I am going to have to be harshe to you.

You have absolutely no place to even think about bringing a kid into this world. Not a one.

There are too many kids in this world that are brought up by people that had no place whatsoever bringing another mouth onto this planet to feed. The world is over populated as it is.

I have no intention of procreating, but instead hope to in the future adopt. But seeing the rigid rules they have for adoption, I probably won't get that opportunity (funny how there are such strict rules on adoption, yet any moron can pop a child out of their own)

Sorry if I was coming off mean, but really it worries me when I read of people that cannot not support a child even thinking of doing it.

Perhaps in the future it will change when it comes to you. But right now, you simply are not mature enough to bring a child into this cruel and unfair world.

[jennCD]

I didn't think my question was out of line actually. I asked for your opinion in clarification to your perceived differences in the two. As a parent myself, I believe I would be doing/feeling/acting/experiencing my relationship with my children the same way in either gender. Being a parent is a special opportunity that not everyone gets to experience and I do feel lucky in that I am one.

Your disgust with the notion of being "the stupid ****ing father" is a little disturbing simply based on the fact that, as a genetic male, you don't really have many options (except for ones based in science fiction) to carry your own child. I'd say that barring a magic pill that makes everything okay for you, therapy is the best place to start for such an internal conflict.

Good luck,
jenn

[Myojine]

knowing you only as a poster here that has been majorly screwed by the world...but seemed to do not one thing to stop that from happening, but instead blamed everyone and everything about it, and knowing of too many people brought up by really messed up parents I am going to have to be harshe to you.

You have absolutely no place to even think about bringing a kid into this world. Not a one.


I have made serveral drastic and life changing desisions to attempt to escape the terrible places in life i keep on ending up in.
It was not my choise to be born this way, It was my fathers choise to abuse me.
It was not my choise to end up in foster care, I did not choose to be raped, I didnt ask to be thrown out on the streets by my father.
I didnt ask for me aunt to abuse me
It was my choise to join the military, but it wasnt my choise that they were predjudice and discharged me under conditions reguard dont ask dont tell.
It wasn't my choise that mty boyfriend desided to be a ****ing looser and let his parents walk all over him and let them kick me out.
I cant controll other people. If i could, I wouldnt be having these problems.

If it was my fault, I only blame myself.
Its my fault im an addict, and its my fault i keep feeding it, its my fault I dont do anythng about it.
Its my fault there are several scars across my body, Its my fault I have ended up in the hospitle more than anyone should.

If it was my fault, I blame myself, however I dont understand how i keep ending up back in the same place... over and over

I know I shouldnt bring a child into this world.
If my child ended up being bipolar, trans, autistic, ADHD, I'd know its because of my genetic code and it was my fault.
doesnt change the fact that the desire is strong enough to send me into deep depressions

[Rianna Humble]

doesnt change the fact that the desire is strong enough to send me into deep depressions

I find an interesting parallel here between GGs who say to other GGs who get depressed by infertility "all you gotta do is adopt" and trans folk who cannot understand that the desire to be a biological mother can be so strong that the fact that as TS we are also infertile can cause depression.

I am happy for those transwomen who in their previous life were psychologically able to father children, but not everyone is like that. I could never get my head around the idea that a woman like me could be a husband with all that that entails.

Earlier in the thread, I described my inability to become a biological mother as a "lasting regret" - that doesn't come anywhere near describing the pain of that gaping hole in the middle of my life.

Yes, if I were young enough, I could adopt and from what other people tell me, I would make an excellent mother, but that is like putting a band-aid on a bullet wound. It may overcome some of the symptoms but it does nothing to cure the root of the problem.

[Schatten Lupus]

I sympathize with you, Myojine. I too long to be a mother. And not just giving sperm to a woman to have her carry and give birth to have a child. The experiences of carrying a baby through pregnancy (the good and bad), the wonders of child birth, the special bond between mother and child, breast feeding a child....that is what I want. That is what would make me happier than anything else in this world. I am secretly envious of all the female friends who have had this, or can, and then later become depressed, almost to the point of tears, that that is something I will never have or know.
Sure there are options to be a parent, but even natal-women can be crushed by being told they can never have their own child.

[kelsey12]

I can recall memories going as far back as seven wishing I could be a mother one day, now that I have decided to transition knowing I will never be able to give birth to my own children it can be really depressing, but there are gg s who are unable to have children gg s who don't have a period because of a hysterectomy so after my transition is complete I guess ill be just like a women who had a hysterectomy its as fare as I can go its still depressing but I think I can still find peace and happiness one day one day maybe I'll adopt a child , and provide a wonderful life for hem or her.

[Pythos]

If it was my fault, I only blame myself.
Its my fault im an addict, and its my fault i keep feeding it, its my fault I dont do anythng about it.
Its my fault there are several scars across my body, Its my fault I have ended up in the hospitle more than anyone should.

If it was my fault, I blame myself, however I dont understand how i keep ending up back in the same place... over and over

If you would like an answer to the last sentence here, all you need to do is look at those first three. But are you blaming your self in a waranted way? Are you perhaps letting your past control you? The GG let her past control her. She let what her grandmother said concerning the actions of her father (you were asking for it. This was in reference to the GG's father raping her) She let that absolute BS to sink into her mind to the point she felt she was unworthy of genuine love, and instead fell for a person that treats her like a slave.

The only way she can get out of that is for her to change her mindset.

The same goes for you.

I very very rarely do this, but I would highly suggest a change in your avatar here. To me, it is creepy. Let us see YOU.

Your signature also rings of despair. If you live mentally in dispare, you will live physically in it.

I am Goth, but I do not live in dispare. We are often connected with depression and angst. That is when we are connected with Emos. You my friend seem like an emo.

You need to let the past be exactly that. The past. Start anew. Dump anyone that treats you like shit. Just throw them aside. Become stong in yourself. Stop being dependent on others for your own good.

I know this is way off your OP, but you really need some input. I am offering the best I can. I hope others here can contribute.

You need real friends, and YOU need to trust them.

[JennyA]

I would also like to see you Myojine. You were very nice to me in my thread about being hungry and you showed a lot of compassion for me. I would like to know who I am talking to.

I too wish I could nurture and give fruit to the one thing that makes the world worth anything at all...life. It is an amazing concept to me and it is why I love and adore the female gender and think of them as the zenith existence.

[Myojine]

If you would like an answer to the last sentence here, all you need to do is look at those first three. But are you blaming your self in a waranted way? Are you perhaps letting your past control you? The GG let her past control her. She let what her grandmother said concerning the actions of her father (you were asking for it. This was in reference to the GG's father raping her) She let that absolute BS to sink into her mind to the point she felt she was unworthy of genuine love, and instead fell for a person that treats her like a slave.

The only way she can get out of that is for her to change her mindset.

The same goes for you.

I very very rarely do this, but I would highly suggest a change in your avatar here. To me, it is creepy. Let us see YOU.

Your signature also rings of despair. If you live mentally in dispare, you will live physically in it.

I am Goth, but I do not live in dispare. We are often connected with depression and angst. That is when we are connected with Emos. You my friend seem like an emo.

You need to let the past be exactly that. The past. Start anew. Dump anyone that treats you like shit. Just throw them aside. Become stong in yourself. Stop being dependent on others for your own good.

I know this is way off your OP, but you really need some input. I am offering the best I can. I hope others here can contribute.

You need real friends, and YOU need to trust them.

creepy is me.
Im an estranged odd and weird preson
The avatar and the signature are by the same artist
David Ho.
His artwork is somtihng i cherish and feel.

No one could treat me like a slave,**** no one could mentally controll me either. Im to smart for people to manipulate me. actually its the other around for the most part.Ive learned oto manipulate people mentally. For the most part Ive gotten what i wanted out of the people i've mind****ed.
No one will put binds on me. I will never let a man beat me and get away with it. The first time a significant other takes a swing at me, is the day he finds himself in a full fledged bare knuckle fight against someone who was trained to fight.
I dare the local neighborhood rapist to come after me.

I think what you are misunderstanding here is the real world is a real place and it does have its limits.
I dont have money, a drivers licience, a car.
I dont have means to do things.
I dont have what it takes to live in corperate america.
Im looking into moving to toronto or some place in a canadian metropolis.

I have started anew more than a few times.
Ive moved thousands of miles, different places, differnt people.
from foster care, to my own family to living with other people, in the US Army...
I have made desisions that change peopels lives.
Destiny does not fair for me.
Some of us do not have a greater good.

I am dark, scared, alone, numb and obsessed.
I only ever wanted to be happy, but I was never lucky enough to have a way to do that.
I have a plan right now though. to try to transition
but its a gamble that could cost me everything
It's a bet that im very tempted to take now.

There are two things in life that make me happy and keep me alive.
My computers. I love my computers with more compassion and care than anyone ever should an inannimate object.
2nd, To be a girl and a mother. The one thing i want so bad, but cant have.
Hope keeps me alive. my comptuers keep me sane
I would never give up either.
But i have a stroke of bad luck and corrupt destiny that is hardly esclipsed by others in a first world country.
I am a dark, evil, and hurt person.
I beleive in the ideals that we as children were taught.
Caring, love and devotion to each other.
But i see nothing of that in humanity these days.
Gay rights movements give me hope, but its not enough anymore
I hate homo sapiens, such a waste of brilliance.
the one species that can contemplate the universe and discover the mind of god... and there are a vast majority that would rather livin in ignorance, and stupidity.
My parents should have loved and cared for me, like stupid little animals do.
humans are smart enough to understand that homosexuallity is a naturally occuring poly-genic trait, yet they wave around a bible that has no validity and call it proof that something nature created is wrong and that people should be murdered for it.
How can you stand being a part of such a race?

I know whats wrong
I know whats right
I know whos fault is whos.

Someone sent me a message about my addiction telling me it wasnt my fault
No offence but I think that its bullshit.
ITs my fault i got addicted, Im not blaming the manufacturors, because i still keep buying when i know better.
Its my own fault, and im not going to let someone else take responsibility for my mistakes
But Telling me somethign that wasnt my fault...IS my fault
Youre stepping in to deep waters, where little fish don't swim alone.

You need real friends, and YOU need to trust them.
I trust no one because no one has shown me enough respect to be trusted, save a select few.


Oh and im not a ****ing emo, who whines about stupid little sutff because mommy slapped him in the face.

[ReineD]

You have a lot on your plate, Myo. The best you can do is to tackle one thing at a time.

I know about addiction. And I'm telling you that nothing will improve in your life until you beat it. So, this is your first step. Put all your energy into getting clean and sober, and stay that way. Don't worry about the other stuff for now. You'll be able to tackle everything later.

It sounds simple, but it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. Not stopping, but staying stopped. If you can turn it around, I promise you that your world will open up in ways that you could never have imagined.

Try NA! They tend to be an accommodating group of people, the sober ones. :)

:hugs:

[Myojine]

You have a lot on your plate, Myo. The best you can do is to tackle one thing at a time.

I know about addiction. And I'm telling you that nothing will improve in your life until you beat it. So, this is your first step. Put all your energy into getting clean and sober, and stay that way. Don't worry about the other stuff for now. You'll be able to tackle everything later.

It sounds simple, but it will probably be the hardest thing you've ever done. Not stopping, but staying stopped. If you can turn it around, I promise you that your world will open up in ways that you could never have imagined.

Try NA! They tend to be an accommodating group of people, the sober ones. :)

:hugs:

Well Im an addict, buts not to the traditional addictive substances that everyone thinks of when someone says "addict"
Yeah its hard to deal with sometimes, its not like it stresses me out and im commiting crimes to feed it.
Almost have though.. more than once.
I was a smoker once, and smoking was EASY to beat compared to this. I mean Wow, i mean as much as i smoked and stuff and seeing smokers not be able to quit... Ialmost laugh at them because of how easy it was for me to quit smoking and i was smoking since i was 14. I pick up a pack of smokes every once in a while. but... Its not the addiction talking when i go get smokes these days, its the need for stress releif.

I guess what im trying to say is that I dont mind being addicted, because well it just doenst bother me at this point.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

i'm an addict too... my mom is an addict..my kids are addicted to the internet...you can be addicted to lots of things..frankly i wonder if there is even a "cure"...i went to AA meetings in my 20's and i almost choked to death on the cigarette smoke..as an addict i trade one addiction for another...in fact, i succeeded in my job for many years as a classic workaholic..

rianna, i am not discounting deep feelings of sadness around not being a mom...i made my choices and you made yours.... we all coped differently.. WAY before i got all ts on everybody, my mom would always like to say that i was more of a mom than my wife...this may be true or not, but i always liked when she said that..my exwife is a good mom, so it's all good...

i can easily wrap my head around not being a mom causing depression...the impossibility of bearing children can be devastating for a woman, but i know a couple of women getting through that type of situation using the options available to them..
they are very great moms

we have options too, but you have to be in a position in your life, and in a frame of mind where you can responsibly raise your child.

myojine..i can feel your pain .. you are courageously open and expressive about it..i hope you can channel all your energy in some positive way..all these things in your life are not your fault...looking back is only causing you suffering and i also hope you can somehow look forward with the hopefulness everyone deserves....if you can do that, then you can start to think about your options around all the things in life you covet...it's easy to say, incredibly difficult to do..
but if you don't, you will be stuck expressing nothing but all the pain you are feeling, and you need to ask yourself where that is getting you.

[Sara Jessica]

I find an interesting parallel here between GGs who say to other GGs who get depressed by infertility "all you gotta do is adopt" and trans folk who cannot understand that the desire to be a biological mother can be so strong that the fact that as TS we are also infertile can cause depression.

I'd understand if you found my comment to be insensitive to the real emotions you are describing. Part of my point is to echo a fundamental difference between the transgendered woman and a natal female (which of course is no newsflash here).

A woman who discovers she cannot bear children for whatever reason might feel robbed of an opportunity she was meant to have. By the same token, how can such a thing ever be taken from a transgendered woman if she has never owned it in the first place?

This doesn't discount the real feeling of desire of motherhood that I'm sure exists with many of us. However, it seems like a ticket to misery if we let something consume us that is utterly beyond our control the way things are now. Science, medicine and psychology have been able to help so many aspects in our world, and perhaps someday science will allow us to carry a child to term but until then, I really have a hard time getting my head around dwelling on an impossibility.

[Pythos]

No one could treat me like a slave,**** no one could mentally controll me either. Im to smart for people to manipulate me. actually its the other around for the most part.Ive learned oto manipulate people mentally. For the most part Ive gotten what i wanted out of the people i've mind****ed.
No one will put binds on me. I will never let a man beat me and get away with it. The first time a significant other takes a swing at me, is the day he finds himself in a full fledged bare knuckle fight against someone who was trained to fight.
I dare the local neighborhood rapist to come after me.

Wow. Reading this, and some of the other lines makes me realize the only person that can help yourself, is you. No one here can help you until you lose the tude. Till you lose the near superior attitude. You admit you manipulate people? Seems to have done you a world of good now hasn't it?

You call yourself Dark AND evil? What in the hell makes you think that?

and yea...you are an emo. Your momma is life, and she has slapped you around good. The sad thing is, you seem to accept it, and even invite it.

If you wanna change things, get out there and contribute. Join the Gay movement, join some Cd or TS groups. GEt out and do stuff, instead of sitting around with your computers hating life, others and yourself.

This will be my final post on this though. You push people away.

[Myojine]

Wow. Reading this, and some of the other lines makes me realize the only person that can help yourself, is you. No one here can help you until you lose the tude. Till you lose the near superior attitude. You admit you manipulate people? Seems to have done you a world of good now hasn't it?

You call yourself Dark AND evil? What in the hell makes you think that?

and yea...you are an emo. Your momma is life, and she has slapped you around good. The sad thing is, you seem to accept it, and even invite it.

If you wanna change things, get out there and contribute. Join the Gay movement, join some Cd or TS groups. GEt out and do stuff, instead of sitting around with your computers hating life, others and yourself.

This will be my final post on this though. You push people away.
You just dont get it.
Ok, thats fine, but im not emo. If you wanna call me anything Imma gamer, a soldier, a transgender, and a scientist.
Audios.

[ReineD]

I'm closing this thead. It has ceased to be productive.