approaching your fiancé

[xaer0knight]

well... read my "New Member Introductions." That post cover the problems that we have been through. I apolized for everything I have done... it seems a lot of crossdressing problem arise from not being honest with your lover. My Lover is bi-sexual and doesn't find me attractive when i crossdress. I don't know these days, I don't expect her to switch roles in the bedroom, but i fell like finding people that understand/accept you... will make a lot of things better.

I would love to hear stories from all the CDs that have women in there lives... I know i screwed up (like using her makeup, wearing her clothes, loving her heels/wearing them)... does anyone have suggestions or can relate to this topic??

[ReineD]

Several things. And not necessarily in the right order:

It will take time, and that's OK. There will be steps forward and steps back, and this is natural.

Let your SO know how bad you feel about not having told her before now. If she is interested, try to explain why. If she thinks that you must be hiding other things, the only way to fix this is to become willingly, completely transparent to her. This is the only way to rebuild the trust.

Find some resources that your SO can read. There are websites and books. "My Husband Betty" is recommended by many CDers here.

If your SO does not find you attractive as a woman, then you don't have to take it into the bedroom. You can ask her what her degree of comfort is, stay with this for a few months, and then reexamine the situation to see if anything has changed. The importance is that you no longer need to lie or hide, and do tell your SO that you never wish to do that again. If your SO does not want to even see you dressed right now, then try to negotiate times when you can be alone to dress. Be sure to get your own stuff so you won't wear hers any more. And tell your SO that you do not want to hide the stuff that you will get.

Ask your SO to share with you all the feelings she has about this. Answer all her questions patiently. If she is like most GGs, she has no clue what this is all about.

Be sure and tell your SO that you do not want to push the CDing on her if she does not want to get involved, but at the same time you cannot stop. So you will gladly dress alone as long as she needs you to do this, but do tell her that she will always be welcome to take part even if it is only the two of you watching a movie together while you are dressed, and it is up to her to decide when she thinks she will be ready to do this, if ever.

Tell her you've joined this forum, and invite her to read the threads with you. This will be a good springboard for discussion. Be aware though, there are many transsexuals and people who question whether or not they are transsexual here. No one puts an ID next to their names and everyone is welcome to post in any section. So, you and your SO will read things that do not apply to you. It is especially important for your SO to understand this and do invite her to check with you to see how you feel, if when she's alone, she reads threads that she finds alarming.

And last, invite your SO to also join this site. We do have a support FAB forum for the SOs (see the link under my signature). After 10 posts, your SO can apply to join FAB if she wants to.

Good luck to you both! :hugs:

[PretzelGirl]

After Reine gives advice, there sometimes isn't much left to say. Thar is gold in that post! Communication is always harped on in this forum and for good reason, without it a relationship can neither grow nor mend. But one additional thought is that both of you have to sit down and make a commitment to understand what each other is thinking and feeling. Then you have to be patient. This is not a short path and there are no quick fixes. It takes time to fully understand what each other is feeling. But remember you are together because you care about each other. So make the additional commitment to patiently work through this. Best of luck to you and remember, this isn't easy for either of you.

[Embraced Commitment]

Hi xaer0Knight!

I sounds as though you feel regret and sadness. Do not be ashamed of yourself, no matter how anyone tries to make you feel you are an Individual and Special. My husband of many years just came out to me. I was shocked and then the little pieces of our time together over the years clicked in my head like puzzle pieces and I immediately so many things of being together made sense. I was hurt that it took so long to tell me but there were many circumstances that caused this. It took days and days of much conversation and open honesty from him again I understood. It is my opinion to be open and honest, let her lead the questions and answer them honestly. Ensure that you are not interrupted, ignore the phones, TV, computers and if needed make time where there are no kids. I hate to say it but if she cannot get over these small instances of what you seem to imply as her feeling you intruded into her area's… It may be rough in the beginning days and weeks ahead, however it does not change who you are inside and you will come through again if you try to suppress.

A relationship to the marriage point of view is everything is 50/50, which for us has always attempted to be 100% support one side or the other financially or whatever. I know couples that do not work their relationships like that and many have split in time. I must admit that I am new to this CD acceptance myself. There are days of waking where I feel a twinge of shock, however, my mate has supported me in every way through a very bumpy road of life, I feel that she now deserves the same. I am still having a rough time with the his and hers and the husband and wife roles but that is part of the fun I think of working through this together. We have always found a way to make it work and get through or over those big bumps and clear through the small ones.

I could not help but put my arms around him as he looked at me with the sadness in his eyes and just want to let him know that he/she is just as special as ever to me. We have been shopping till I drop and it has been fun although tough on the pocketbook, but every girl needs there own things and I have shared what I could. We proportion differently, so there was not much, I wish we matched more I think if we shared it would be even better! I have done what I could to help him go through this transition into her and have tried to hold back my overbearing urge to control, that has been tough at times, but I recognize that we are different as we are the same.

I guess my point is that if he hid this and I found out, as a trip onto something I am not sure that my immediate reaction was to hold him till he felt better in his confession as to say. Be honest, maybe apologize for touching her area, but ask her what would she have had you do? The amount of cost to buy individual then you would be spending all the money on you instead of her! Just some misc. thoughts…

It is all about communication and honesty, please keep us apprised to how things go and if there is anything else we can do to help! It is very late here and I hope that this all makes sense.

[kimdl93]

I can only speak from my experience. I told my wife (then gf) about my cross dressing early in our relationship. I had expected rejection, but surprised by her reaction. Lots of questions (the usual ones), especially curiosity about how long and why. The she surprised me by acknowleding her bisexual experiences. I guess we had one of those truth telling moments that bond a couple, because we ended up getting married and have lived happily ever after.

There have been accomodations. When her daughters were at home, my dressing was limited to rare nights alone, underdressing or the bedroom. When they moved out, I was able to dress freely at home, and lately have been incorporating more feminine attire in the clothes I wear out in public. She's been with me every step of the way. Key thing - its been her choice to accompany me.