A major setback

[Diane Elizabeth]

Well it probably isn't that big of a deal. Do some research for when I come out and things aren't looking too good as for where I work. I was hoping to come out and switch to the female lockeroom. However, I have been told by the HR Dir. of the company that they would still require me to change and to use the mens lockerroom. I e mailed Outfront for their legal advise and they said it is at the company's descretion as to where I can change and which facilities I can use.

Now I am not sure I will come out while there. I am having a hard enough time changing clothes with other guys around. If something comes up and I want or need to take a shower at work I am basically screwed. I would be able to shower but then I would have to dry myself and dress in the shower too I guess. Luckily that is a remote chance of happening.

So now I am depressed and on the verge of tears.

[Melody Moore]

If that is the case, I would tell them to stick their job where the sun never shines.
I would quit, transition & then get a new job as a female before this destroys you.

Singing... Take this job & shove it, I ain't working here no more! :D

[kellycan27]

If that is the case, I would tell them to stick their job where the sun never shines.
I would quit, transition & then get a new job as a female before this destroys you.

Singing... Take this job & shove it, I ain't working here no more! :D

With the job market and the state of the economy do you really think this is good advice. Cutting off ones nose to spite one's face is never a smart thing to do IMHO. It has been my experience that the world does not revolve around us and more often than not at some point we're going to have to take it on the chin. We just have to find ways to adjust.. rather than taking 2 steps back. I am not sure where the OP is in her transition, but my advice would be to bide her time. baby steps.
Kel

[Debb]

That sucks, Donna.

I am sure you can come up with something. You're a tough girl; you've dealt with problems before, and you can do it again.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Starla I hope you can keep strong.
Transition is a process with many ups and downs.
Before you do anything crazy, you may want to consider stepping back and evaluating your options and your goals...

melody you blithely say shove the job, and yet you also post about not having the money to do everything you'd like transition wise..
your thinking is a common disconnect for ts people...saying F$ the world sounds great, but then you have to pay for transition, and other minor things like food and shelter..
and you end up in misery wondering where to get the $$ for what you want...and it's especially bad advice to shove a job in this terrible economy where 20-25% of the people are out of work.
The only way this works is if you have the $$ right now..and by having the money, i mean having $100k somewhere that you can use to live off and get surgeries over the next 12-24 months.

Starla, think about your long term goals. what do you want out of transition..ffs? srs? .. what are your savings? can you live off them for a while? use your needs as motivation.. also consider that you talked to HR, and so despite all the laws and protections you may have, your secret is no longer completely safe (regardless of what people say, they love to tell other folks about this)... use this setback as motivation .....

it's kind of pollyanna to tell a transitioning ts person they have to slow down...it's really a setback, and i wouldn't sugarcoat this..but i will say that you are always in a position to do your best, and when you get slapped, you either let it get you, or you let it motivate you..

as you step back , you can start looking at other companies, and improving your skill set.. are there realistic things you can do right now?...i assume you are in labor if you are showering with others...even consider whether you can work inside your company doing something that wouldn't require a shower.....

in the end, i'm really sorry and i hope there is a prospect you will get better consideration if you follow your path and maybe they will realize you are really doing this, and there will be some accommodation...perhaps you may be finding out that your company is gonna do everything they can to put you down so you will leave..if this is the case, then it's time to start looking, and at least you know where you stand...but whatever you do..be smart..changing jobs mid transition is difficult at best

[RenneB]

Heck I'd be happy just to have a job. Been on the dole for almost two years now and it's gettin a little crazy... So what I'm saying is that you have to count your blessings one at a time.

Renne.....

[Melody Moore]

melody you blithely say shove the job, and yet you also post about not having the money to do everything you'd like transition wise..
Kaitlyn, when are you going to learn that I am someone who will NEVER be held to ransom by anyone? :heehee:

I once declined a job offer in Sydney offering me $100k per year by telling them
that "I would rather live as a poor person in paradise than a rich person in hell".

The reason I said this was because I was not in a state of mind to be dealing with that type of a job in
a big city like Sydney. Sorry but my mental health will always come first no matter what amount of money
is involved. I have faith that things will eventually sort themselves out if you stay true to yourself & you
never go forward in life without taking a few risks & gambles. But if you are a weak person who is not so
determined & strong willed with lots of confidence then maybe you better not quit your job & suicide might
be a a simpler & much less painful solution after all :)

PS: And by the way Kaitlyn, you only formed an opinion about me & why I had no money because I was
expressing what type of position I was in & why I was empathising with others who couldn't have SRS.
But the truth is I have always had a way out of my situation it was just a matter of when I was ready to
go back to work. In the past week or so I have started working for myself again. See this post for more info (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?157214-coping-skills&p=2553853&viewfull=1#post2553853).

[Katesback]

I guess I am just wondering how you are presenting yourself at work. Are you still a boy or some gender screw presentation? Is your name legally changed? Are you working at a place where they knew you as a man?

I go to a gym. I would be really really upset if a early stage trans person walked into the locker room. I am sorry but I dont want someone in there that has a penis. I just dont. Bathrooms are touchey enough but a locker room NO.

Save the locker room till after SRS. There are far more important things you can work on besides treading into this can of worms.

[Schatten Lupus]

If that is the case, I would tell them to stick their job where the sun never shines.
I would quit, transition & then get a new job as a female before this destroys you.

That is terrible advice! Jobs are anything but easy to come by, and add a transitioning status on top of it and your chances become very slim. Hell I'm not even transitioning yet and I'm having a very hard time finding work.
I don't know what kind of work you do, what you do after wards, but would it be possible to skip the locker room and shower and simply dress for work at home and then head straight home after work for a shower?

[Melody Moore]

That is terrible advice!
Is it really? In your opinion it might be, but through my own experience it has been the best advice ever! ;)

[Schatten Lupus]

Is it really? In your opinion it might be, but through my own experience it has been the best advice ever!
Maybe for you, but if I were a professional therapist, I would loose my license if I told someone to just quit their job, which means loosing their income, and the rest of the dominoes that get knocked over when you don't have an income. Yes there are plenty of situations in which you should start seeking new employment, and not even worry about turning in a two weeks notice to your former employer. But ultimately you cannot make people give you a job, and a savings account will drain very quickly when you live off of it. And when you have hundreds of people competing for one job, quitting without being fully employed and on the payroll of a new job is very unwise.

[Babeba]

I think in a teeny tiny little way on this one issue I can relate to you; when I was in jr. high and high school I couldn't use the locker rooms at my schools because I have a severe reaction to things like perfume, hairspray and other chemical sprays with strong scents. I couldn't shower after any physical activities, and I had to change for all those classes in the regular bathroom and hope like hell no-one would do anything in there that would keep me from breathing. I always dreaded having to go in the bathrooms, even - too many people touching up their perfume. It never felt fair that they couldn't just make ONE place safe and comfortable for me.

There are many people who have issues with showering/changing in front of people, so I promise you you're not the only one with locker room issues at your work. Are there any more private places with showers where you work? Or a time when it's likely fewer people will be there for more privacy? What about running home for a mid-work shower - would you be able to get a little bit of a concession on time in your work day for that, when necessary? If you point out comfort/safety issues of having a transwoman in the men's locker room, they might be happy with that solution depending on how far you have to go for a private shower.

[donnatracey]

Is it really? In your opinion it might be, but through my own experience it has been the best advice ever! ;)

Add mine to the general consensus here so far that it is indeed terrible advice! Not many people can afford to just up and walk away from a job w/o another source of income. You must be an exception! The economy must be far better in the Land Down Under.....:doh:

[CharleneT]

Well it probably isn't that big of a deal. Do some research for when I come out and things aren't looking too good as for where I work. I was hoping to come out and switch to the female lockeroom. However, I have been told by the HR Dir. of the company that they would still require me to change and to use the mens lockerroom. I e mailed Outfront for their legal advise and they said it is at the company's descretion as to where I can change and which facilities I can use.

Now I am not sure I will come out while there. I am having a hard enough time changing clothes with other guys around. If something comes up and I want or need to take a shower at work I am basically screwed. I would be able to shower but then I would have to dry myself and dress in the shower too I guess. Luckily that is a remote chance of happening.

So now I am depressed and on the verge of tears.

It is a tough situation indeed. From your description, it sounds like you are still not "out" to the world, but carefully exploring what will happen when you do that. Unfortunately, you are hitting what seems like a brick wall at a place that is critical ( as others have pointed out - just not a good time to tell your employer to "take this job and ...."). Definitely keep the job ;) As you transition, maybe that place is the last where you do present as female. Maybe you end up with the locker room prob ... and have to find ways to make that work. But the simple fact is that unless a money tree sprouts up in your back yard, you have to live with the cards as they are. Some things you have to develop, YOU may end up being the example that causes your employer to change their minds about TS issues. Nope, that is no way fun, but it may be your reality. IF it is, then try and find a way to change their minds about that issue. That could be a long slog, but staying your course, and doing a good job well will help. I truly believe that. Many of us have had an easier time because where we work has already been thru this and the HR dept is nothing but helpful. They did not start that way though, someone was "first". Looks like that might be you in this case. Be strong, let them know about other companies and how they have dealt with TS issues. Be the one and they will likely respect you a LOT for that.

[Melody Moore]

The economy must be far better in the Land Down Under.....:doh:
Compared to what? The USA? Definitely :D

But my advice comes from my actual life experiences & maybe this is why I have no real issues anymore. Yeah
I know I am a cocky b!tch, but I have complete faith & confidence in myself, obviously some people here don't.

I live my life for me, not for other people, and sometimes I might say & do things that don't fit the norms of society,
I might not be filthy rich, but I know at the end of the day I am happy & have peace in my life because I made the
RIGHT decisions for me, not for you, the consensus, or anyone else for that matter. So why not dare to be different? ;)

The bottom-line is situations like this are only a 'setback' when you allow
them to be. I would read this as a sign that it is time for me to move on.

You really should read this post (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?157214-coping-skills&p=2553853&viewfull=1#post2553853) I made about 'coping skills' before making any further comments.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

melody
nice try.
you have no credibility on this issue...you can not just change your posts and what they mean like a politician that wants to talk out of both sides of her mouth.

stop assuming that we all don't know things that are in fact patently obvious..

having internal strength, a positive attitude and figuring things will work out are good as far they go...but good decisions, a level head and hefty respect for the destruction caused by GID helps give transsexuals the best quality of life...not take this job and shove it..

you should have taken the job, a couple of years in hell buys a helluva lot of surgery and food

[Melody Moore]

you should have taken the job, a couple of years in hell buys a helluva lot of surgery and food
First of all don't tell me what I should & should not do. Offer your advice by all means, but don't criticise me
for expressing my personal opinion about what works best for me. Another reason I didn't take that job was
because I had been working in the very stressful commercial off-set printing industry & quite frankly I had enough
of working my butt off to meet printing deadlines, making other people filthy rich & while being paid peanuts.

You talk about assumptions and what is blatantly obvious, but you don't know me despite the amount of posts I have made
on this forum. You judged me and if I am correct in my understanding YOU made a very incorrect assumption about me & that
I had no skills or means to earning an income. The truth is I have been sorting out my health issues for a number of years that
I understand now are directly linked to my intersex condition. I simply accepted the fact I might have to remain 'pre-op' if there
was no way I could return to work. Another thing you don't understand is that I have not worked for another employer since
1997 & have been self-employed since then. I have the motivation to get up off my butt & create a job if I can't find one &
personally working for myself really does suit me better. One cient, a major car dealership network paid me $20k a few years
ago to build a website for their dealership network. If I was working for someone else I would have been lucky to have made
$2000. I am sick of being used & abused by employers because it has only stressed me out & caused me great deal of anxiety.

What you also didn't pick up on about me is that I get greater satisfaction out of doing things I like or I want to do. And sometimes
that does not involve making money & it gives me a greater reward that no money cannot buy, that is the satisfaction I am doing
something else I like to do that will benefit others. But my efforts have not gone unnoticed or unrewarded, many people realise now
that I am not as selfish as I might sometimes appear to be like here for example. I devote a lot of time in my community & because
of that I was given not 1, but 2 web domains to develop in the pat week. So I say it again... 'Good things come to those who wait'.

[dilane]

...
I once declined a job offer in Sydney offering me $100k per year by telling them
that "I would rather live as a poor person in paradise than a rich person in hell"

....Sorry but my mental health will always come first no matter what amount of money is involved.

I'm ok with you deciding to quit your job in an awful 20% unemployment economy (which is what it actually is in the US right now), that's your choice.

But I'm not as ok with breezily recommending that path for others. I mean no offense, Melody. You may be one of those unsinkable people, more power to you.

But being without work and without money is a major stressor for most people.

Heck, I've been out of work with a solid cash cushion, and it was a major stressor anyway!

Besides, everything does not magically become ok when you can suddenly dress 24/7. There's a lot more to having a fulfilling life than wardrobe selection. Transitioning is a major stressor. Adding to it the burden of being unemployed would be piling it on, in my opinion.

-- Diane

[CharleneT]

Melody, your life is really going well, congrats on that and I am sure you did work for what has come to you. Problem is that others may not be able to wait out the time between their actions and the rewards they richly deserve. In fact, here in the US, that wait could land you in the streets. Sure, it can be said accurately that we made our own troubles or whatever. Still, the reality of the moment here is that losing a job without a backup is a very chancy thing here -- now.

If Starla's situation is such that she cannot afford to just walk away from a job over these issues, then we need to try and give advice that will help her to stay at the job and maybe have things work out as well. That's the goal, regardless of our personal experiences, her circumstances are paramount in the direction of what anyone can or should say. Advice that could be destructive to her life is not really useful - even if it worked for you (or others).

[Melody Moore]

I'm ok with you deciding to quit your job in an awful 20% unemployment economy (which is what it actually is in the US right now), that's your choice.

First of all you are overlooking the fact that my decision to quit working was based around my health, so
it was not a choice that in normal situation I would have made. I was stressed & my mental health was
being seriously affected where I was suffering lots of anxiety & depression over my job. Although I wasn't
happy at first about resigning, even though my hand was sort of forced, it was one of the best decisions
I know that I ever made. If I didn't resign then it would be very unlikely that I would still here. And since
then I live by the policy that everything in life happens for a reason - you just have to know how to read
& interpret the signs. I have always been a able to draw consolation & find the good in every bad situation.

As I said before, the bottom-line is, it is only a 'setback' if you allow it to be. It might come as a surprise
to some people here, but have any of you ever heard of thinking & dealing with issues more positively? That
is all I have done. I don't believe that I am unsinkable, I have just got really good at treading water. ;)

[jennifer easton]

AAAAH! Melody, there is the point!! your advice worked for you!! the advice you give is what has worked for you!! the advice you give I doubt would work for anyone else! but sounds like it worked for you! and you should be congratulated for your decisions of what to do for your LIFE congratulation on your! action for you life! now on the other hand Starla has her own set of problems to deal with, things that differ from the rest of us so what we can do here is to be here and listen to her and feed back some compassion and let her bounce some ideas off the wall here, and maybe she will find a solution. Jenni

[Felicity71]

I'm ok with you deciding to quit your job in an awful 20% unemployment economy (which is what it actually is in the US right now), that's your choice.

But I'm not as ok with breezily recommending that path for others. I mean no offense, Melody. You may be one of those unsinkable people, more power to you.

But being without work and without money is a major stressor for most people.

Heck, I've been out of work with a solid cash cushion, and it was a major stressor anyway!

Besides, everything does not magically become ok when you can suddenly dress 24/7. There's a lot more to having a fulfilling life than wardrobe selection. Transitioning is a major stressor. Adding to it the burden of being unemployed would be piling it on, in my opinion.

-- Diane

20% ouch, that is bad. I remember back in the early 90s our economy was bad, and I was unemployed for about a year and a half, it was soul destroying. My self esteem was almost crushed, and I couldn't think of the future.
Once I finally found work I stuck with them for 17 years. I do hope USA will get better soon. At least in Australia we do have a fairly good paying welfare system. Without a safety cushion it would be crazy to give up your job if you had no guarantee of work later.

[Stephenie S]

As this has turned into an employment thread (hijacked by who?), I will add my two cents worth. And it's more than two cents worth, really, it's a whole lot more valuable.

Look for a job BEFORE you loose your old one. This is SO important. Even if you never take another job, it's good for your self esteem to know you can get another job.

An employed person is FAR, FAR, more attractive to an employer than one who has just quit or been "let go".

Look for a new job NOW.

S

[AKAMichelle]

Being someone who doesn't take crap either, I have to put my 2¢ in here as well.

Years ago I had a job making $150k / year and I ended up quitting the job because they told me I couldn't work there in blue jeans. I was a sub-contractor leading a team of programmers and they wanted me to dress in their business casual attire. I had interviewed for the lead position in blue jeans and nobody said a word. My contract was silent on the issue, but they made my life miserable until I walked off the job. It makes you feel good when you walk off the job, but I wasn't stupid. I had another job lined up paying about the same amount of money so my family didn't suffer.

I think you have to put perspective on everything. The biggest obstacle to transitioning is a job and the money that comes with it. Maybe you should do what you must to survive where you are until you can leave. If you must shower then I fully understand the companies position. No woman is going to want a man (even a transitioning one) in the shower with them. So step #1 would be work on your money for surgery and maintaining a job during transition. Everything else will fall in place.

Don't just quit the job unless you want to start your transition will a lot more obstacles. Transitioning is hard enough without adding to the list of obstacles that you will have to overcome.

[Melody Moore]

As this has turned into an employment thread (hijacked by who?)
Steph, noone has really hijacked this thread into an 'employment topic' when essentially this was the
basis of this discussion by the OP. And for the record I have never said that my advice was the right
advice, but this is the best advice that actually worked for me based my own personal experiences.

My main point here is that I didn't I did not let my lack of employment or financial situation be a setback that
I would ever allow to stand in the way of my decision to transition, which just shows how badly I wanted this.

This next comment is not directed at you or anyone else in particular, especially you because I really do agree
with what you said Steph about finding another job ASAP. But some people here really should learn how to use
some good old common sense sometimes & look at a situation outside of the box, without being overruled by
personal empathy & our emotions. Don't get me wrong, I CARE about what the OP is going through & can easily
see how this situation has got the OP feeling "depressed and on the verge of tears". My point here is that
the OP is not happy and is very dissatisfied with her employer. If this situation is not dealt with then I believe
the OP's state of mental health will only suffer more because of the stress & anxiety in this messy situation.

Sorry, but no job is ever worth sacrificing your health for. And if you end up sick or suffering mental health issues
then it really becomes a real struggle to give a 100% to your employer so you can't work effectively anyway.

If the OP is unhappy now then the best decision might be to resign while her relationship with her employer is still healthy
& good. And where she can walk away with all her dignity fully intact & with a reference from her employer. But if the
situation deteriorates & the OP suffers more in her job because she cannot cope, then her employer might just fire
her anyway. Which would be more catastrophic & could make it even more difficult to find work in the future. As I said,
I would read this as a sign & I would look at the situation as I was being set free to follow my heart & my true ambitions.
So I say it again - this need not be a setback if you don't allow it to become a negative event in your life!

Stay positive, keep smiling & ALWAYS be happy & I can guarantee that many more doors will open for you.
BTW, I received an email earlier commissioning me to develop another website for another new client. So
I will always believe that life can only get a lot better when you have total confidence & faith in yourself. :)


Don't just quit the job unless you want to start your transition will a lot more obstacles.

I thought about that as well, but then I looked at the situation in a different light realising
that in some situations the job itself IS the real obstacle holding many girls back. I know I
have a unique skill-set that usually serves me well if I put my mind to it. Up until recently I
couldn't use my skills for awhile with my health & so many distractions with my transitioning
going on. So I resigned myself to having some 'time-out' to recuperate & deal with all my issues.
But so far I am on track to my original plan of being back in work by August 2011, one year after
I started my transition on hormones to save the money to go to Thailand for SRS in August 2012.

But the best advice so far is to find another job ASAP & one that will allow her to transition
without discrimination. Hopefully the OP has skills & if they have worked for the same employer
for a substantial length of time & have a healthy track record of being a good reliable worker
this can only help her to find another job. I just hope that things don't get any worse before then.

[arbon]

I would be able to shower but then I would have to dry myself and dress in the shower too I guess. Luckily that is a remote chance of happening.

It is not completely hopeless then. That is at least an option to fall back on if you have to. Not great, probably uncomfortable for you but doable. Are there any private changing areas you could use? Hopefully a solution will present itself.


I am having a hard enough time changing clothes with other guys around.

Something I really relate to. Since high school I avoided gyms and situations were I would have to change with men and i think I only found myself in such situations a few times. Freaked me out way to much. Even public men's bathrooms - I would not go in there unless i absolutely had to and pretty much always used the stall. To many bad memories from the school gym - being the class f## and all the fun that entails. I can't believe I almost joined the army once - that had to be the most brilliant idea I ever had. Thank GOD the army screwed up my paper work and gave me time to rethink things.

[Schatten Lupus]

If the OP is unhappy now then the best decision might be to resign while her relationship with her employer is still healthy
& good. And where she can walk away with all her dignity fully intact & with a reference from her employer. But if the
situation deteriorates & the OP suffers more in her job because she cannot cope, then her employer might just fire
her anyway. Which would be more catastrophic & could make it even more difficult to find work in the future. As I said,
I would read this as a sign & I would look at the situation as I was being set free to follow my heart & my true ambitions.
So I say it again - this need not be a setback if you don't allow it to become a negative event in your life!

And what if she quits and can't find another job? Then there are more mental health issues, and a number of potential physical health issues, that can arise. Homelessness, malnutrition, starvation, and of course no money means no transition. Sometimes the answer is not a simple one, but the one that requires careful thinking and weighing and considering all options. Saying it can always be worse isn't just for overly-hopeful optimistics, but rather for many a very real situation. You are very fortunate in that you had the skills and resources for a sustainable self-employment. But yes, the best advice for her is to begin searching for a new employer, but in most cases a bad job is worth it to keep a roof over your head.
Myself, I don't put up with shit from an employer. I'm 24 and have worked for eight different places. Only twice did I leave a job without having another one. The first one was with a construction company, and there was two of us with a drivers license. The other guy had a truck that he used for the company, and when he quit I became the driver and I had to use the bosses truck, which the lights would occasionally go out of, and the hook up for the trailor lights didn't work. There were already plenty of problems with this company (the owner was using company funds for his personal funds which made checks late and short, the guys nephew was more concerned about getting high than working, he wouldn't tell us until the day of if we were working, and he had us doing all his grunt (including mowing his lawn)), but the day I drove his truck he didn't give us enough money for gas to make it back, and he said he would not pay for any tickets I might have gotten for the lights being out. When the truck ran out of gas I took off walking and left the damn thing where it stopped. The other was my paper route because the tribune was very bad about paying late, which required me to borrow money all the time to keep driving, and that combined with rising gas prices and car maintenance and repairs left me loosing more money than I was making. My landlord even suggested that I quit. When I filled my taxes, Turbo Tax pointed out I might get audited because my business expenses were more than my income.
But even working at fast food I had a job lined up before I quit. And working at McDonalds is hell. People are constantly yelling at you, degrading you, treating you like you are stupid, being worked so hard in such a hot environment you will sweat all over the grill, and having very short deadlines to make hundreds of sandwiches. I worked for a gas station, and hired in with my hair below my color and suddenly it became a problem after I'd been there for a year. When I was being overworked and underpaid with an inventory company. I was getting screwed out of raises I was promised, I was making less than most people I was supervising, and they were always expecting me to do more and more and more. But it paid the bills. Hardly anything else, but it kept the electric on and kept an eviction notice away.

[Badtranny]

Gosh everyone is piling on Melody for giving bad advice?

Maybe quitting is the best thing, maybe it's not, but it's free advice folks and it's worth every cent you're paying for it. If I had a dollar for every bad idea I've seen on this board I would tell my own boss to shove it, and I like my boss. ;-)

What Melody is trying to say, (in her own way) is basically to not let the *******s get you down. Don't be a victim of circumstance. The adorable Kellycan is saying the same thing (in a different way) when she says "find ways to adjust".

Life sucks a little extra for TS women and if you're not strong and opinionated and perhaps a little arrogant, than you run the very real risk of being beaten by the process.

Starla, this is NOT a major setback, it's just a detour. You should know by now that almost nothing goes according to plan, that's why a plan is so important. You need something to keep you focused, something to keep you headed in the right direction. If you know where you're going than getting lost can be an adventure. If you don't know where you're going, than you're already lost.

The strength required to come out at work is all the strength you're gonna need to get through this. Just keep pushing babe.

[Rianna Humble]

First of all don't tell me what I should & should not do.

If you really mean that, then I would "advise" you to try taking your own "advice". This whole discussion started because you told someone to quit their job without stopping to wonder what would happen to them, whether they could get another job (with or without being in transition).

In many places, following your "advice" would mean zero access to any form of welfare because the person was voluntarily unemployed.

You may think that advising someone to place their life and their family in jeopardy is good advice, very few will agree with you.

[GypsyKaren]

I can just see the interview process for her next job now...

"So tell me, why did you leave your last job?"

"The don't allow penises in the women's locker room, so I told them to take their job and shove it up their asses."

"Damn it, you're just the person we're looking for, you're hired at double your old pay!"

Get real.

Karen Starlene :star:

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The reason for the pileon is because it was way more than bad advice...it was beyond awful advice...

the nuggets of truth in melody's posts are buried under mountains of words and defensiveness... it's not allowed here to disagree with her without 1000+ word responses filled with details of all the perceived slights and "dont tell me what to do/nobody can tell me what to do" bluster.. this happens on many threads here...

and in this case, starla suffered a blow...and yes we all need to be tough, we all need to stand up for ourselves ,but there is a right time and right place for everything...

and la de da, hahaha, take this job and shove it, being said to a vulnerable person in the middle of a crisis is just thoughtless, self serving, stupid advice.....


i found michelle's post to be especially interesting...she said the same thing to her employer, but she already had the $$, she was making her money, and she got herself into a position to make her own decision..
this is a professional and adult way of saying "take this job and shove it"

[Diane Elizabeth]

WOW!!! I am surprised by all the traffic that was generated on this thread.

First, let me say that Melody is entitled to her opinion. Her advice would not appear to be helpful to me. So stop flamiming her please. We can't always agree on what is right or workable. I will not (at this point) tell them to shove this job. I need the money.

Second, let me try to clarify my situation in transitioning. I am not out full time. But I do want to be. The facilities are lockerroom, 2 showers (with curtains) and the restroom which has a urinal and one stall and 2 sinks. I usually do not shower there, however there may be a time I will have to due to a chemical spill or something else. When I do come out I will relagate myself to the bathroom stall for changing. It will be very awkward to dress in there without showing my breasts. I do wear a sports bra to hide the little bumps I have. I usually duck around the corner to swicth shirts.

Third, I am not a trailblazer. At least I try not to be. I am not that strong of a person for the job. I just follow those that have gone before me.

Thank you for all your comments. But please no bickering.
\

[AKAMichelle]

Then Donna you are in a really tight spot. You have some really tough choices to make. In some ways when you do transition you will become the trailblazer type. You will have to find a new solution for your dilemna.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

dont you dare tell me not to bicker!!!!!!! ..totally kidding btw..

frankly based on your answer, this is not really a major setback for you at all... if you need to take a shower, then you just have to do your best to hide yourself...it actually doesn't seem like a big deal at all..

if this is a major setback for you, then similar to what michelle says , you need to build some confidence and toughness.. it seems like you already know this...toughness and confidence can be learned by just doing...you can be motivated by this if you want

[Nigella]

This thread has been taken off topic once, Donna has requested that members "stop bickering" and I am supporting this right. Anymore comments that are not in relation to the OP and taking this thread off topic will result in moderating action being taken.

Nigella
Super Moderator

[GypsyKaren]

Starla, you can't expect any company or female employees to allow you into the women's showers without SRS, it's never going to happen and it's unrealistic to expect. This is a case where you have to put their comfort before yours, and like Kelly said, you just have to take this one on the chin.

When I came out at work, I made a point of letting the women know that I would make no effort to switch locker rooms, out of respect for them. This gave me their respect because I put them first, and a little respect tossed your way goes a lot further than any discomfort or awkwardness you'd feel otherwise. In any event, switching ain't gonna happen, you'll have to find another way or deal with it.


Karen Starlene :star:

[Frances]

What kind of job requires showering at work? I am not being flip; there is missing information here to give advice. What are the locker rooms for?

Sorry, I had not seen post #32.

Building a strong relationship with your employer and preparing methodically for your transition is key. You have to find allies in management. Maybe this job is not ideal for transitioning. I delayed my own transition by 5 years, in order to finish a degree started years earlier and complete a new one in a female-dominated field (translation). They did not mind at all when I told them about my impeding transition. They just wanted to be kept in the loop at all times. Maybe changing jobs first would be prefereable in your case.

There was a six month gap between the announcement to personel and my coming to work presenting as female. During that time, I chose to use the special needs bathroom on the ground floor of my building (the office is on the 12th floor). I had to ask security for a key everytime, but it was worth it.

In your case, I understand not wanting to use the male locker room out of principle, but people will not take seriously until a lot of feminization has gone on. There should come a time when it will be obvious to all that you cannot use that changing room anymore. My guess is that others will ask that you change rooms. However, having the wrong genitals could always be enough to bar entry with some people (if not most).

My advice is plan this carefully and find work that will allow you to transition without problems (and avoid chemical spills if you can).