Facing Reality in my marriage

[ReneeT]

So, after 22 yrs, my wife and i have accepted the inevitable. We have agreed to part ways officially. I have to admit that she was the strong one and took the initiative. While this will be a seismic shift for both of us, i truly believe that it is a necessary step for both of us an our abilities to find happiness. The kids dont know yet, and that will be a difficult conversation, especially since i will be shring with them for the first time my transexuallity. Should be interesting!

[Jenny Doolittle]

Renee,

Wow, huge step, I wish you and family all the best.

Jenny

[Katesback]

It all sucks no matter how you look at it but in the end after all the crap........ perhaps all have a greater sense of peace and happiness.

Anyone who is married and thinking they can transition and stay married is playing with odds that remind me of playing the lotto. I DO NOT PLAY the LOTTO.

Katie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Renee...i wish you and your family all the best

20 years, 2 kids....divorce, tell the kids...sounds very familiar to me...

[AllieSF]

I am sorry to hear that news Renee, even though I knew that it was probably going to happen. I know that it will be for the best for both of you. I wish you luck when telling your children. They will be digesting two very important personal surprising and maybe shocking revelations that will seriously affect their lives too. Maybe revealing your new life can wait a bit until they get used to Mom and Dad separating. Either way, good luck and you have my phone number.

[Sandra]

Anyone who is married and thinking they can transition and stay married is playing with odds that remind me of playing the lotto.

So me and Nigella had better start and look for divorce lawyers then.....oh WTF we do everything together we'll share one.


Renee

I am sorry that this has happened :hugs:

[Mikaela]

Even easy divorces aren't easy and I was very lucky with mine, enough for my ex to still be my friend. The best advice I can offer is to do your best to stay civil, not make a big deal over things, and try to keep in mind that there was good in the relationship for both of you (I hope!). Good luck!

[Inna]

Renee, there will be tears and pain and sorrow but through which both of you will become free. Kids I found are extremely resilient to change and as long as both parents are loving and do not burden kids with guilt then truth will set you all free to love life. For you it is inevitably a beginning of an exhilarating chapter and I wish you the most profound and beautiful experience of a lifetime.

Love, Inna.

[suzy1]

I bet the kids love there dad. And I hope your kids will be a support for you at this difficult time.
I am sure there will be happy times ahead Renee. Most thing work out in the end. And I should know!

SUZY

[renee k]

Hi Renee, I know what your going through. And it's probably for the best. Please keep the lines of communication open with your children, and stay close to them. Keep the divorce issues with your wife amicable, it will cost you less. I was down your path nineteen years ago. I'm still very close to my children. I wish you all the best and once it's all behind you'll be fine. If you want to talk PM me.

Renee

[RenneB]

I think I'm on the same road as you girl... Just haven't gotten around to the D word in my conversation with the SO. I'm sure she knows and just wants to keep this relationship together for the kids. A few years and they are out of the picture and that'll probably be the end of it ..... but the start of a new life. Hope I can afford it...

Renne.....

[BreenaDion]

After 23 years of marriage our relationship is much better than at any time in the past. The lowering of the " T " has done great things for me. I am so much more relaxed and patience and respect every ones right to life. I have had countless sessions of therapy in my life time where it is easy to repair any damages of mostly all kinds of situations.

To bad that you two can't find the best in eachother and build on that like Moe and I have. Sorry to here about your spilt and hope you both do find peace within yourself. Good Luck .
Breena.

[Kelsy]

Even easy divorces aren't easy and I was very lucky with mine, enough for my ex to still be my friend. The best advice I can offer is to do your best to stay civil, not make a big deal over things, and try to keep in mind that there was good in the relationship for both of you (I hope!). Good luck!

My divorce was easy! Easy for her she got everything and I went bankrupt!

[AKAMichelle]

I wish you the best through the divorce.

I have met a few who stayed together after / during the transition and I do agree with Kate. they are the exception.

[ReneeT]

I really appreciate everyones support. While this is not easy, i do feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am sad for my wife, as it is all loss for her. At least i have my life as the real me to look forward to. As we work thru the details, i will do everything i can for her. She has been acstay at home mom for the last 18 yrs, so she will likely go back to school. I will support her financially 100%

This is hard........

[Starling]

As painful as dissolving a marriage is, Renee, I hope the process goes with good will and without rancor, and that the love you've shared is not lost, but transformed.

:) Lallie

[Raychel]

Divorce is never easy Renee. But I hope it works out best for both of you. :hugs:

[LisaM]

I wish the best to both of you and your family, Renee.

[Eryn]

I'm so sorry to hear of this. I've been married for 22 years as well and this was my worst fear when I talked to my wife about CDing. I hope that both you and your wife are completely sure that this is the only viable course for you.

Eryn

[ReineD]

i do feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I am sad for my wife, as it is all loss for her. At least i have my life as the real me to look forward to. She has been acstay at home mom for the last 18 yrs, so she will likely go back to school. I will support her financially 100%

I wish you all the best in your new life Renee, and I also wish your wife success and happiness as she reinvents herself too. I'm glad that you've decided to support her wholeheartedly while she acquires the skills she needs to support herself.

I also hope that your children will take the news well, and they will be supportive of you both.

[ReneeT]

I really do think that this is the hardest part of the whole transition process. It certainly has been the hardest for me so far. I can certainly handle the negative aspects of this relatrd to the world at large, but i hate being the cause of anothers unhappiness, especially those i love. My wife and i are now at the point of grieving for all those things that we wont be doing together. I sure wish that there was another way, but it is entirely in my wifes hands. Unfortunately this is not going to work for her. I am on vacation with my family now, and my wife and i know that this will likely be our last together......

[Frances]

I really do think that this is the hardest part of the whole transition process. It certainly has been the hardest for me so far. I can certainly handle the negative aspects of this relatrd to the world at large, but i hate being the cause of anothers unhappiness, especially those i love. My wife and i are now at the point of grieving for all those things that we wont be doing together.

The guilt nearly killed me and certainly prolonged my therapy!

[Aprilrain]

I really do think that this is the hardest part of the whole transition process. It certainly has been the hardest for me so far. I can certainly handle the negative aspects of this relatrd to the world at large, but i hate being the cause of anothers unhappiness, especially those i love. My wife and i are now at the point of grieving for all those things that we wont be doing together. I sure wish that there was another way, but it is entirely in my wifes hands. Unfortunately this is not going to work for her. I am on vacation with my family now, and my wife and i know that this will likely be our last together......

I can relate. though I am the one choosing divorce so some times I feel even slimier but the truth is the marriage wasn't great and I hope in time we will both be better for it. But still there were good times and its hard to think that what was so familiar will be gone, change is hard and there is nothing pretty about divorce even an amicable one.

[LaurenMc]

sorry to hear Renee. Hope you guys all make it thru with some sanity left

[Kelsy]

Renee,

I wasn't meaning to be flip with my previous post, I guess I'm a bit bitter over my last divorce. What I pay in alimony could finance my SRS in little over a year. Divorce is extremely difficult and take years for some to finally come to terms with it. There can't help but be some regret associated with it. Healing comes and life moves on. Here's to a bright future!

[Felix]

Sorry to come back and hear this sad news hun its never easy transition is a tough old road for most of us (((((HUGS))))) xx Felix

[Tara D. Rose]

Yes I’m so sorry to hear this awful news to Renee. I know all too well of the pain of divorce. I have two divorces behind me now. The first one back in 1989, and the second one in 2007. The second one was for 16 years and the first one was about 3 years. I say they are the two most painful memories I have ever had to face. Nearly died, lost 40 lbs, from a 160lbs frame. I went down to 115lbs during first divorce. Both wives left me for another man. But enough about me, but I say this to let you know how much I relate to what you are going through. My advice is to try to remain friends with her. Don’t ever get explosive. Always be there for your children no matter what. Tell them they can call you anytime day or night. And always answer them. And for sometime it will seem like you cannot move on, but you will survive. Some say that time will heal, that’s partially true, but I have found that LOVE heals pain. I will pray for the comfort of your family and for you.

Tara

[Dita_B]

My advice is to try to remain friends with her. Don’t ever get explosive. Always be there for your children no matter what. Tell them they can call you anytime day or night. And always answer them. And for sometime it will seem like you cannot move on, but you will survive. Some say that time will heal, that’s partially true, but I have found that LOVE heals pain. I will pray for the comfort of your family and for you.

Tara

This is about the best advise I have seen so far and it brought tears to my eyes...

My marriage went belly-up after 38 happy years, but I couldn't save it despite the fact that I am a psychologist specializing in relationship counseling... Against my better judgment I thought that things would work out eventually, but they didn't...

Unfortunately, there is a whole segment of people here on this site who think they can do the nearly impossible: saving their marriage through and after an initial confession to their partners... They have the illusion that communication with their spouse will open up the road to both a successful transition and a happy marriage...

However, more often than not the first communication about the CD issue is the first step on the slippery slope to a broken marriage...

In my practice as a counselor over the last 20 years I have seen many who tried very hard, but unfortunately most fail and end up with a break up... In general, You, the partner with consensual crossdressing in mind have to think not about how YOU can get the better end out of life after the confession, but what's in there for your wife...

And, there's not much in there for your wife: She married a guy and not a woman... After the initial shock, she'll need time to digest the consequences and because she loves you, she will initially try to make the best out of it, as the alternative is not something she wants to think about at this stage... But once she has come to terms with the new situation, she'll change her attitude...

So Renee, you're not alone and unfortunately you too have now become a statistic... My love and empathy goes out to you... I wish you strength and you'll need it...

If you ever need a shoulder to cry on... I'm available... :hugs:

With love,

:love: Dita xo

[ReineD]

So Renee, you're not alone and unfortunately you too have now become a statistic... My love and empathy goes out to you...

I agree with what you say, Dita, but also wonder if you believe the wives also become statistics? I think this is difficult for everyone. :sad:

[ReneeT]

It is certainly difficult for reveryone, and its pobably hardest on the spouse. I am moving on to a new, more fulfilling life, and she is left trying to put her life back together. For my wife, she jumped in to the role of wife and mother and for 22 yrs she has had that as her sole focus. She is now facing the loss of her mate, the loss of the life she knows, lonliness, the prospectof finding a new career........ I really do come off seeming like a narcissistic bitch. I tell myself that i shold just suck it up and be the man evryone expects me to be. I know, though, that will only kick thecan a little further down the road and not solve anything

The most frustrating thing is that we cant talk about it. She needs to vnt, and she vents her anger to me. I can say nothing in my support that she doesnt tear apart. She despartely needs to talk to a professionl, but thats not hppening

[Joanna41]

I have to agree with Allie...think about telling the kids after they adjust to the divorce that is coming. Obviously you know best but just something to think about.

Joanna

[Annaliese]

Good luck, and I hope all goes well in your new life and that nothing changes with your Kids.

Hugs

[Dita_B]

The most frustrating thing is that we cant talk about it. She needs to vnt, and she vents her anger to me. I can say nothing in my support that she doesnt tear apart. She despartely needs to talk to a professionl, but thats not hppening

Oh Renee... are you ever hitting the nail on it's head!! I can sooooo relate to what you're saying... Yours is the voice of practical experience and the truth of the matter... Your post should be elevated to a sticky: mandatory reading for those legions on this site who live in a tragic fantasy illusion... in the hope that an initial positive reaction of the spouse after the first confession paves the way to a better understanding of both the CD issue and the relationship... Nothing could be further from the truth...

As many before me, I've been there and done that... Our wives NEED to vent their deep pain, sadness and their frustrations and obviously she rips you apart when you want to comfort her... And later, hon, when it's all done and over with, comes the regret of having caused so much pain to the one you love most and who has dedicated her best years to you and to your family... It's not fair to her... but it's the way it is... OMG... it's soooo hard....

With love and all my empathy...

Dita xo

[ReineD]

Oh Renee... are you ever hitting the nail on it's head!! I can sooooo relate to what you're saying... Yours is the voice of practical experience and the truth of the matter... Your post should be elevated to a sticky: mandatory reading for those legions on this site who live in a tragic fantasy illusion... in the hope that an initial positive reaction of the spouse after the first confession paves the way to a better understanding of both the CD issue and the relationship... Nothing could be further from the truth...

Well, first of all, this is not a CD issue. Renee is transitioning.



As many before me, I've been there and done that... Our wives NEED to vent their deep pain, sadness and their frustrations and obviously she rips you apart when you want to comfort her... And later, hon, when it's all done and over with, comes the regret of having caused so much pain to the one you love most and who has dedicated her best years to you and to your family... It's not fair to her... but it's the way it is... OMG... it's soooo hard....

With love and all my empathy...


Secondly, despite your seemingly understanding message that the wives should "vent their deep pain, sadness and their frustrations", you still seem to be biased in favor of the TS when you say, "she rips you apart when you want to comfort her".

Good lord, Dita, where is your empathy for the wives, and for that matter, for Renee as she also struggles immensely over the overall pain inflicted on their marriage due to the transition? Renee is losing a spouse too, not just her wife! And as Renee herself expressed so admirably, she is moving on to a more fulfilling life while her wife's dreams are shattered.

The only way to prevent any of this pain is to provide enough education in our society that will enable TSs to know who they are earlier, so they will not marry women under the false pretext they are men. If a young TS understands who she is, she can marry a woman who from the onset, knows, accepts, and supports that eventually her husband will transition.

Renee, you said earlier you fear you are narcissistic, and I don't believe you are. Honestly, if you knew then what you know now, would you have not told your wife before your wedding? It is too late for you and others in your generation, but I hope the younger TSs will read this and learn something.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Renee you are doing what must be done, and i hope that over time you will be able to share your transition with your family.
you are not narcissistic...that's just a word anyway..

you clearly care about her and love her, as well as your family.. i have gone through this, and my ex has gone through this, and my kids have gone through this..
our lives are forever changed, and i continue to struggle with the blame and the shame of what i did...and my kids and my lovely wife's lives are forever incredibly complicated and disadvantaged..i have caused the people i love the most to feel loss and i can't overstate how bad i feel about that sometimes...and so all i can do i understand and accept their feelings and try to be there as best i can for them..i have found that they frankly don't want my help for the most part.

reine-- great point, but an impossible quandry to answer for us middle agers....
i wonder often about my kids...how they would not be here today if i had not buried my transsexuality so deep ...
i wish i could take away my ex'es pain... i can't...all i can do is help her as best i can..and i can honestly say "i didn't know" when i think about how the heck i could have thought i should be getting married as a guy... i thought at my core that i was doing the right thing...that's what guys do.. no matter how i replay it, i can't think of how things could have been different..

btw...one way to NOT help, is to say it will all be ok, or to tell her to go see a therapist...this is the last thing that she wants to hear ...
let others comfort her, let others advise her...only advise her if she opens up to you and asks for your help..

[ReineD]

reine-- great point, but an impossible quandry to answer for us middle agers....
i wonder often about my kids...how they would not be here today if i had not buried my transsexuality so deep ...
i wish i could take away my ex'es pain... i can't...all i can do is help her as best i can..and i can honestly say "i didn't know" when i think about how the heck i could have thought i should be getting married as a guy... i thought at my core that i was doing the right thing...that's what guys do.. no matter how i replay it, i can't think of how things could have been different..

I know, and my heart goes out to you and everyone concerned. People of your generation had no way of knowing. How could you have known? As to your children, I know this may seem cold but if you look at it from another perspective, had you married someone other than your wife you would have had different children that you would have loved just as much.

Anyway, it is different today and hopefully there will be two benefits from having the internet and the explosion of forums such as this one. First, young TSs will come to understand more about themselves much earlier. Two, the improved trans awareness will also reach the young women who may be making a mistake in marrying the typical macho type guy and they also might prevent themselves from divorcing 20 years from now when they discover there are alternatives.

[ReneeT]

I thank everyone for their input and perspective. Clearly, many of you have travelled this road before me and have the scars to prove it. As Dita said, this is a sobering reallity that those who envision life as usual with a spouse should be aware of.

Kaitlin, i am afraid that my story is going to unfold as yours has. That makes me sad. I will always love my wife and kids and it pains me to think that my lifewont include them. I will do the best i can, within the context of who i am, to prevent this, but only time will tell.

Reine, you are right - better education and understanding and less stigmatization will help future girls understand who they are at an earlier ag and thus spare their loved ones unnecessary pain

[Sally24]

Sorry to hear the news. I know its the rare marriage that survives.the.transition. Good luck to you both!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Renee

I do know of one couple where"he" is transitioning and she has elected to remain married. That being said, I personally don't see what is in it for her.

Have you read "Second Serve" by Dr Renee Richards. It you haven't, you might want to look for it in the library. She also wrote a second book "No Way Renee" about her life long after her transition.

[7sisters]

thank you for saying you'll support your wife 100% as she gets back on her feet. She will certainly need plenty of help and you being patient with her. I can only imagine how really really tough this must be on her.

[ReneeT]

Unfortunately, things may be turning ugly for us. My wife today asked if she needs a lawyer. She is worried about finances and thinks i might be keeping thigs from her. I am not. I know she feels vulnerable, as she is a stay at home mom and has been out of the workforce for 18 yrs. This really sucks

[AllieSF]

Hi Renee. Sorry to hear this, but from my personal experience it may be a better approach for all concerned for the long term. I did a do it yourself divorce and prepared all the documents, including the financial settlement. Since I was worried about my EX thinking that I was taking advantage of her I strongly suggested that she have an attorney review it for her own sanity and protection. In the end she declined and at least I eliminated some of my guilt for the settlement. In the long run it has worked out because even though she has remarried, we are best of friends now. Yes, an attorney will look much deeper into all of your finances, including stock options, retirement benefits, etc. The first requests for settlement may also surprise you too. Just keep thinking about the long term and what you need to be you. Good luck and contact me when you need to talk. Hugs and stuff

[Starling]

Renee, if your wife retains a lawyer, so should you. Lawyers like to raise the stakes (and their fees) by playing on vulnerable emotions, so you must protect yourself, especially if you want to be able to go on loving her. Good luck, really.

:) Lallie

[Kaitlyn Michele]

that;s what happened to me...
i can't hate my ex for it...it's her right to hire a lawyer...
i suggested we split everything 50/50, and i suggested paying her half my salary for 3 years..but she hired a lawyer...i suggested a mediator ...the 2 lawyers cost us close to $25k...

the first thing that happened was a i was accused of hiding money and all kinds of things by her lawyer in a meeting..my ex burst into tears after the meeting because she knew how poorly i was treated...but unfortunately that didn't stop her from going for the jugular..it is just the way it is..

maybe renee you can suggest something like binding mediation where you sit down with an inexpensive person that does this for a living...we actually did this with our custody arrangements after her lawyer suggested i be kept from the kids (which my ex did not want)... we ended up with a handwritten, fair agreement...

Is your financial position complicated? splitting everything 50/50 is hard to argue with unless there is an owned business or illiquid but valuable assets...

[ReneeT]

Kaitlyn,

Ironically, i am proposing to exactly what you did - 50/50 split of all assets and i would pay her 1/2 of my salary for several yrs. I would lso py for her to return to school to start a new career. I am also proposing that we sty together on paper for the next two years, until our daughter leaves for college. In that time we would split my income evenly into separate accts - one hers and one mine, and share expenses. That way she will have full control over half the income. Our financial pictureis a bit complicated with restricted stock, options, and illiquid property, but i hope we can work that out without an attny. In the end, i feel an obligation to provide for her and will do so. Have i said that this sucks?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

gosh renee...eerie similarities...

basically it's business now. the emotion has to be viewed that way too, whether you can sleep nights will determine how you approach this..this all felt soul crushing to me.. as you say it sucks!!! and to be fair, my ex thought it all sucked too..

my ex didn't work but easily could have...we both loved she got to stay home...my hard work allowed us both to enjoy a lifestyle that she totally took advantage of...she made up all kinds of reasons why she couldn't work. it all started when the lawyer got in her head...among other things her lawyer told her since i was a financial exec, that i most certainly kept hidden pockets of liquidity (they all do i was told!!), and that my understanding of the investments meant she would get all the losers, and i would keep all the winners...she wanted to hire forensic accountants to value stock options for example...my offer to sell everything and split it fell on deaf ears

it is so F%'d up with lawyers that at the time we spent $1000's fighting over default interest, inflation, requiring insurance policies...and here's the rub...NEITHER ONE OF US followed through on any of it
until very recently , we were beneficiaries of each others wills!!! she never charged me interest or inflation...i never took out any add'l insurance!! it was all just the lawyers getting in her head (and then in mine)...