BF doesn't want to share crossdressing with me

[sara_s26]

Hey everyone. I am new to this forum and am enjoying all of the opinions and advice here. I am hoping someone would be willing to share some words of wisdom with me too.

I have been dating a guy for a year now. Just over a week ago he has opened up to me that he use to be a crossdresser. He says although he hasn't done it in a number of years that he still fantasizes about it and might want to do it in the future. He also admitted that as a way of dealing with these feelings, he has off and on for many years chatted online with men pretending to be a woman and occasionally this results in him getting himself off sexually.

I am very understanding of the crossdressing and would be more than willing to participate in the future if he would let me. He is so ashamed of this part of himself and has a very hard time talking to me about it. He says he wishes he could make it go away. I can see why he has turned to the chat as a private way of dealing with his needs. Nobody else knows but me. He is a very masculine person, says he only is interested in being in sexual relationships with women, wants a future with me but doesn't want me involved in this part of his life. He says I can ask questions and he will answer but nothing more. I told him that we are in this together and we have to both be flexiable.

I guess, all of this to say..I don't know where to go from here. I love him (all of him), want a future with him and can accept the crossdressing. The cyber stuff feels like cheating and my ex husband had an affair which makes it harder. It breaks my heart to see him so confused and ashamed when I feel like it is something we could embrace together. I need insight and advice on how to be supportive but not give up my feelings. I feel shut out.

Thanks everybody.

[Jamie Burton]

Sara,
It is hard to get out of the habits of secrecy that many transgendered people fall into. Your boyfriend has to work through and find his own self acceptance first before he will become more comfortable sharing this side of himself with you. For him, opening up about his crossdressing, even as little as he has, was an incredibly difficult and terrifying thing to do.
Your kindness and caring are to be commended. Continue to be the caring person you are and over time the doors will open a little further.

[Sandra]

Hi Sara,

This is quite a common thing that happens. They have kept it hidden for so long that it can take time for them to open up more. Let your BF know that you are there for him, also keep asking the questions, let him see that you are interested in what is going on.

As for the cyber stuff that does need sorting though, because if it is still going on then it's going to cause a lot of problems, for both of you.

We do have a forum here called FAB it is a private section were wives/partners can chat and support each other, if you are interested in joining then follwo the link in my signature.

[Jill Devine]

Good advice given already. He is in such a habit of lying, sneaking and covering up that he doesn't know how to open up to you. The covert approach is just a survival tactic. He has potentially had these feelings and impulses since childhood which almost HAD TO BE COVERED UP. By now it's second nature not to share or open up. You just need to be patient.

You sound like a wonderful non-judgmental and understanding person. The world needs more people like you!

[Alice B]

If you could get him to join this site I think he would find a lot of help.

[Sheren Kelly]

Sara,
I agree the cyber life has to be resolved. Secret relationships (even if fantasy) will poison a relationship. As to getting off while posing as a woman on line, that sends warning signals for me. If he has a sexual desire to be a woman (with a man) that is unlikely to go away.

As for accepting your BF's crossdressing, that is exceptional in my opinion. If you want to open the door, try buying him something incidential (earrings) and mention that you would like to see "her" wear them sometime. That may provide the springboard to get over the wall of shame.

[kimdl93]

I agree entirely with what's been said. I know about hiding and denying. Did it for way too long. I was finally able to talk about it with my psychologist (after a painful divorce). She helped me - mind you this took months - to say it out loud..."I love wearing womens clothes...and feeling feminine". And she helped me realize that its not a crime, nor something I should feel ashamed about. What a relief.

Later, I started dating again, and felt I had to tell my girlfriend...fortunately she was cool with it. We didn't plunge into 24/7 dressing. I mostly underdressed, wore a little make up etc. Shes been there right with me as my desire to dress has grown.

I don't know if this is the path for your bf, but he may need to get some professional help to overcome that little inner policeman that has been holding him back.

[sara_s26]

Thanks for everyones replies so far. I agree too about the cyber stuff needing to be resolved. I would even consider participating in some way. The part that concerns me is that has been his primary outlet for this part of his life for a long time. I think what draws him to the cyber stuff is that he likes to imagine being a woman..being in that role, plus he can keep his feelings at a distance when its online. He says when he was young (and most likely still) he felt like he should have been born a woman. I asked him if he thought he wanted to become a woman and he said no. He said he likes having a penis, would make a horrible looking woman (his words not mine) and that he doesn't wanna be with men..so what was the point? (again his words not mine) We have been talking about meeting with a psychologist and working on this together and he has agreed to go. He has seen this particular doctor before and feels like he could talk about it with her. I feel like this is a great step in being able to work something out together and hopefully helping him to find peace with himself. Thanks again for the replies, its great to have encouragement from people who understand.

[deebra]

Simple but honest answer: Buy him a pretty pair of nylon bikinni panties and tell him you would really like for him to wear them the next time he comes over, this will show him you are accepting an O.K. with this part of him that won't go away. Forget the psych., they are expensive, keep you coming back and they can't make his desire to wear fem. clothing go away. As he becomes more comfortable wearing girl clothing he will become closer to you for accepting this part of him. If you really want to improve the closeness between the two of you compliment him on how good he looks in panties and you like to see him in them, ever so slowly see if he would like to feel how a bra feels. You have to be comfortable with how far this goes but he will definately get closer to you. And trusting you with his crossdressing secret the web talk should go away, you are his outlet.

[Karren H]

Personally I wouldn't mind if my wife was a little bit more understanding like you but I don't really want to share this with her either. Not because of secrecy or anything like that. Because its my hobby. I get to wear what I want and go where I want without any of that "your going to wear that?" Like I do in male mode. And I don't need help... Plus she dresses like crap.... In womens jeans!! Ekkkk. Lol. Its just the way I feel.

[sometimes_miss]

I don't know how many others have experienced this; but my ex wife also thought she could handle the crossdressing. And in discussion sure; we talked about it at first with out therapist, then occasionally at home. She even bought me a dress. But then....when faced with it in person....she couldn't handle it. When we split up, she said that I'd changed, when in reality all that had changed was how she saw me. So all I can say, is take it slow, very slow. And be prepared for him to exhibit behavior that you don't expect. And remember, he's the same guy, only what you see has changed. Not him, and his feelings towards you are unlikely to change either.
Good luck to both of you.

[kalidonovan]

Sara,

To your post, when you asked him if he wanted to be a women. Its important to know that there are different levels of "needs" "wants" a CD or TG/TV might have. Some want to get sex changes, some want to transition but only partially and some want only to dress. All three types can also have different attractions. Like me for example, I just dress, tend to try to stay fem where I can but don't want breasts or a sex change. I'm attracted to women, and other CDs or TVs but only if they are more passable. When i think of a guy in guy mode I think YUCK! When I see a passable CD, well the sky is the limit.

Try to find out where he stands. Try joking with him when the time comes, and even ask him what his opinion is about what you are wearing and/or other girls are wearing. Take him shopping when you go for your self and see if he has any input.

GL

[Barbra P]

Hi Sara

Some good advice so far. I’d try and get him to join the forum. He’ll soon realize that he is not unique and there are a lot of CD’s here with the exact same story.

The main thing he/she needs to do is accept himself/herself. I think it is commendable that you are so supportive. Does your BF’s feminine persona have a feminine name? Like others have stated, maybe buying her a few feminine items might help him to loosen up with a bit.

You don’t say what part of the country you live in, but most large metropolitan areas have a LGBT community center and these places can generally put you in touch with Counselors and Therapists. A Therapist trained in dealing with the transgendered is probably the quickest, and possibly the only, way for your BF to accept himself. There may very well be a transgender support group in your area and these can be a great help as well. I recently joined one in San Diego and I was told that I could bring someone with me as support. Perspective members generally go to the first few meetings dressed in appropriate clothes for their birth gender.

I took my 28 year old Daughter to the first meeting, and my Wife agreed to go to the next meeting. I went dressed enfemme to the third meeting, again accompanied by my wife. Our Family Physician sent me to a Counselor, who in turn sent me to a Therapist in the Psyche Department.

It’s true that neither a Doctor, nor a Counselor, nor a Therapist can cure your BF from the desire to cross dress and a reputable one won’t even try. What they will attempt to do is to get your BF to accept his condition and feel comfortable being his feminine persona. That basically means that he needs to not feel ashamed about being a cross dresser. Once he feels comfortable dressed as his female persona he will really begin to appreciate having someone like you that supports her. One dream that many cross dressers have is to have a wife or s.o. that accepts both their male persona and their female persona; someone they can feel comfortable with while dressed as either.

[VioletJourney]

Convince him to join us, it wasn't till I joined up that I stopped being ashamed of it.

[Nikki A.]

Some good advice given here. Patience is the key and keeping the lines of communication open is important. I wish you both the best of luck.

[Sherry Lynn]

My wife knows and supports my CDing. She wants to accompany me everywhere when I'm dressed. However, I like going out on my own. I have a need to be doing things without her horning in. It's not that I'm out looking for a hookup, but just to be the girl inside of me. I have severely curtailed my CD activity because of her "support", and now I have started sneaking out alone. My advice is to not push the issue and give him his own space.

[Jenny Gurl]

First off thank you for being understanding and supporting of him as a person. Try not to take it personal when he doesn't want to share this side of himself with you. Society has brainwashed us for generations to believe that it is wrong for guys to have desires to crossdress. His problem is not that he was born with this desire, his problem is that society has convinced him that it is wrong or a sin against God. He cannot accept himself because society has convinced him that how he was born is wrong and not to be accepted. One of the best things you could do for him is to send him to this site, and tell him you are supportive and will accept him if he was born with this desire. Another reason we don't accept ourselves is the penalties we believe society will rain on us if we were to admit this desire. Our familes, friends, and even our jobs could be at stake. These are serious stakes, so we hide it from everyone, even ourselves. Please don't think he is lying if he says he doesn't know. If he has not accepted how he was born, he probably has not allowed himself to explore these feelings to see how far he wants to take them. Most of the basic statistics show that you are no more likely to be gay as a crossdresser as you are a non crossdresser. In other words the odds are very small that he is gay. If he has told you he doesn't want to see guys, or change his gender, then you are most likely simply dating a guy who appreciates the finer things women have worn or painted on their whole lives.

Once he reads here a while he will begin to feel less alone, less ashamed, and will likely start to share his findings with you as he discovers them himself. It may be the beginning of a new relationship where you will both share feelings and become closer than some couples will ever be. The good thing is he might have spent many painful years denying this side of himself or understanding this, and now most likely he will learn to understand himself and begin a new life. Good luck to you both, you are definitely in the best place on the net to learn and share in these ideas. Many of us have searched many sites and have settled here where acceptance is common and it is site of real people sharing information that helps each other. This site is more of a support group for me, and it very well may have saved lives or marriages.

I was born with these feelings, and knew I was different from about age 5. I have always felt feminine at times, felt the desire to be feminine at times, but felt masculine at other times. It was not until I found this site a few years back I thought I was alone in the world and these feelings were some kind of defect. I felt completely alone in the world and was very ashamed of these feelings. I didn't ask for them, I didn't want them, and wished they would just go away. I dressed a few times throughout my childhood when I got the opportunity, but never told anyone.

[Angiemead12]

It would seem that if you can show him that there are many others out there like him. The guilt and shame may stem from deeper issues like loss and rejection of his friends and loved ones. But if you can assure him that you are willing to try and explore these things out with him and give him your full support and help then he may open up to you.

[kimdl93]

One more thought - I dont think that any of us begins a fixed idea of who we are and where this is going. And even if we know what's going on inside, its hard to admit. I can assure you that 20 years ago, I would have denied any desire to dress completely...although deep down, I probably knew otherwise. And five years ago, I might have said, I'm happy to dress at home...again deep down knowing that I longed to go out fully dressed.

With reassurance and encouragement, your BF may find a fast track to a degree of self acceptance that has taken many of us years to realize. Or you may just need to be extra patient with him ;)

[giuseppina]

Hello Sara

Someone suggested a counsellor. I think this is an excellent idea for both of you, provided the you can work with the counsellor and s/he is properly qualified and licensed by a regulatory agency. The counsellor should not attempt to judge their clients, once that happens, the counsellor loses the ability to help the client.

One other idea that I don't remember seeing in the above posts is getting your BF on here as a member. Once you, Sara, get your ten posts in, you are eligible for membership in the GG forum.

[Barbra P]

One other idea that I don't remember seeing in the above posts is getting your BF on here as a member. Once you, Sara, get your ten posts in, you are eligible for membership in the GG forum.

This is an excellent suggestion. The forum is called FAB (Female At Birth), membership is by invitation only and the forum is open to FAB members only. FAB is a place where wives and significant others can discuss their feelings about their husbands, children, siblings, boy friends, etc with others that are experiencing similar issues. You can read and post to the forum once you join, but your BF can't access the forum. I believe that for you to join FAB your BF must also be a member of the public forums. The other requirements are that you have to be a full member, you become a full member once you have posted ten times, and you must apply for membership at http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?13-Private-F.A.B-Forum-(Female-at-Birth-Invitation-Only).

[docrobbysherry]

Sara, u sound like Frodo the Hobbit when he first starts on his quest to destroy the ring! With lots of positive energy but with an indescribably difficult journey ahead of u!

There's NO WAY ANYONE can warn or prepare u for all the trials u face in sharing a future with this man!

I can see SOME red flags already, tho:

That he gets off fantasizing about sex with men. And, may have online/phone sex with them also. I get sexually stimulated when I dress, but being straight, my fantasies don't involve MEN!

The online porn/sex thing can be like a drug/booze addiction!

Both of u may be incapable of dealing honestly with the addiction/guilt aspects of his dressing and sexual activities!

[Pythos]

Sara_s26,

If what you say is true, you are off the scale wonderful.

Speaking for myself, I know one of the main reasons I am single is because of my own style. People are too brainwashed for the most part to actually accept something that is different, and not "hip".

When the GG said to me that she indeed liked my style, and how I looked in fem mode, I had a difficult time believing her. Reason being is in other areas of life I have had people tell me what they think I want to hear, instead of what I needed to hear. This led to not so pleasant things happening.

I thought this was perhaps the case with what the GG was saying. I also harbor a feeling when people see me at meetups and give compliments about my looks, or even the compliments I get here there is a vieled lie. It is an insecurity, and a pervaisive one that is really hard to defeat.

I am slowly coming to realize my unique look and style is indeed appreciated, which really works for me. But those feelings of doubt still surface every now and then.

What I am trying to say here is your boyfriend may just be uneasy and having a little bit of difficulty realizing he has found that holy grail all us M to F, beings that love women have been seeking.

[Adriennegrl]

Some of us only dream of having a mate that understands and wants us to be feminine. I hope he can sort it out because he's lucky to have you :)

[ReineD]

He says I can ask questions and he will answer but nothing more. I told him that we are in this together and we have to both be flexiable.


The cyber stuff feels like cheating and my ex husband had an affair which makes it harder. It breaks my heart to see him so confused and ashamed when I feel like it is something we could embrace together.

Several thoughts.

He obviously is not accepting this part of himself right now, so the only thing you can do is tell him that you would love nothing more than to embrace all of who he is. I've read here many times that some CDers fear their SOs will think they are "less of a man" if they CD in front of them. You can ask him if he feels this way and assure him that you think nothing of the kind.

You can also share your feelings about cyber sex and ask him to instead dress with you the next time he feels the urge, rather than share intimate moments with some stranger on the internet. Hopefully, he'll understand.

And, as others have suggested, he can join here and talk to other CDers about this. You can also join our FAB support forum after 10 posts outside of intro sections. Just click on the link below my signature for the details.

:hugs:

[Eryn]

You've received some wonderful advice. All I can say is that the more that he knows about CDing the more comfortable he will be with himself and you. It's very strange to think that the CDer can be ignorant about CDing, but that is often the case. I consider myself fairly well-educated, but I left myself ignorant of CDing for decades! Guilt can do that.

Learn all that you can, share your knowledge with your BF, and encourage him to research it himself. When ready there a lot of friends here waiting to welcome your BF!

Oh, and your BF has one heck of a GF!

[Sandra]

I believe that for you to join FAB your BF must also be a member of the public forums.

No he doesn't........

[Vickie_CDTV]

I agree with docrobsherry, there are a number of red flags. In addition to the fantasizing about being with men, there is the "I wish I was born a woman" thing. I greatly commend you for your understanding of your boyfriend, but remember you need to look out for yourself too. Go get therapy for him or whatever is necessary so you two can straighten out whether or not he is gay, bi and/or a TS before you get married (and please do so before having children together.) You have a right to know before you commit of where he is and what he plans to do; remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO.)

[Sandra]

remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO

Really this marriage has lasted for 24 years this year, and there is more couples on this forum who are happily married. I don't believe in sugar coating things but saying this to a new GG who is trying to understand her SO, sounds like you are dooming them to fail before they even start.

[ReineD]

remember, most TS-GG marriages do not survive even in the best of circumstances with even the most supportive GG SO.)

I agree with Sandra. We do get threads started by CDers whose wives want to hear nothing of this, and it makes sense these CDers are here seeking support and also these are the threads that people remember.

But we also have many, quieter threads, pages long when the question has been asked, of CDers whose wives are supportive and it is such a non-issue in their lives that the wives don't feel the need to join here for support.

The CDing is just a normal part of my relationship with my SO and it is not at all an issue for either of us.

[sara_s26]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ. I am really hopeful that as long as he can remain honest and forth coming about his needs, wants and desires that we can work it out. I love him and he says I am stuck with him for life...lol..

We talked last night some more and I let him know for a second time now how much I love all of who he is, that it doesn't make him less of a person, less of a man, that I think it could be something we work into our life together instead of it being something he hides and is ashamed of. I think it makes him feel good to hear those things but it doesn't seem to damper his fears in sharing this part of his life with me. He also said that he feels like this is a small part of his life and that it will never be a bigger part of who he is. I said that I thought that could change, that you never know what the future holds and yet he seems to be dead set on the idea that it will never be bigger than it is now. I also let him know that the cyber stuff was not something I felt like I could deal with for life. He said he will respect that and come up with something else as an outlet. He refused to entertain ideas of something that includes me. I suggested dressing and masterbating alone..don't know if that is something he will go for. I could live with that option and just hope he won't be keeping the cyber thing a secret in the future. This is something I really wanna work on in therapy.

I am really hoping that going to the therapy togther will be a way to break down some walls or at least start to..or that maybe she will be able to help us negotiate some boundaries or activites in which he can include me in the future.

Loving the support, words of wisdom and things to consider from all of you. Many thanks!

[kimdl93]

Sara, I think you've opened every door possible for him - short of therapy. Don't be surprised if he shys away from therapy too. When I was a young adult, my first wife suggested couples therapy and I declined because I knew my cross dressing would come up. Thats how powerful this fear is. It wasn't until my first marriage had collapsed (CDing had little if anything to do with it) that I finally was forced into therapy and forced to acknowledge this part of me.

Perhaps he can keep CDing a small part of his life. If its a choice based on his real needs...fine. But if he is limiting himself out of denial or repression, then it could come back to haunt him and you.

regarding the outcomes of "most TS-GG marriages" I hesitate to generalize. Based on what I've seen here, it seems a significant number of TS-GG marriages that do indeed succeed long term. and among those that succeed there CDing may kept in a DA/DT basis, modest accomodation and tolerance, to enthusiastic suppport and participation.

[ReineD]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ.

Thanks for the update Sara, but I just want to clarify something. You say that your bf is a full time drag queen (DQ), meaning he dresses fully in stage femme outfits and performs?

Sometimes new comers use the term "DQ" as meaning someone who just crossdresses, but I wanted to make sure, since you did say "full time".

[sara_s26]

He's a full on drag queen. Does it for a job, has a stage name and performs for a living. He's awesome.

When we were younger it was just an on and off crossdressing thing and as he got older, came out to his family and friends, then he went into being a DQ. He was always in theater growing up it is the perfect fit for him I think.

[ReineD]

Just to make sure I understand this fully, your SO keeps his stage persona completely separate from his personal life, he looks at it as a job, and otherwise identifies as a straight male. But, at the same time he admits to having some gender ID issues which he is ashamed of and he does not wish to share his more private femme persona with you or anyone else, other than in the past having gone online anonymously pretending to be a girl with other men?

Sorry to be so picky with the definitions, but there are just so many ways that someone can be transgender, I think it's important for us to get as complete a picture as possible, in order to share any meaningful advice.

[sara_s26]

Oh wait, I mean my best friend is a drag queen..not my S.O..lol..

My best friend is a gay drag queen and I think having him in my life makes it easier for me to accept my S.O. needing and wanting to cross dress...hope that clears it up.

[ReineD]

Oh OK. LOL

I got confused for a moment. :hugs:


... have you ever thought of bringing your SO to see your best friend perform? :D

[sara_s26]

We've talked about it..my boyfriend says he'll go. It would be a great time.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Really this marriage has lasted for 24 years this year, and there is more couples on this forum who are happily married. I don't believe in sugar coating things but saying this to a new GG who is trying to understand her SO, sounds like you are dooming them to fail before they even start.

There are always exceptions of course, but in most cases I have known over the years it doesn't work out in the end. I should clarify that I meant a TS who opts to go on HRT, goes fulltime, and has SRS etc.

I don't mean to sound like I am dooming them to failure, I am just urging caution on her part. She has a right to know exactly what she is getting herself into since, after all, her happiness is just as important as his.

[busker]

Maybe me being understanding has something to do with the fact that my childhood best friend and college roommate is a crossdresser and now a full time DQ. I am really hopeful that as long as he can remain honest and forth coming about his needs, wants and desires that we can work it out. I love him and he says I am stuck with him for life...lol..

We talked last night some more and I let him know for a second time now how much I love all of who he is, that it doesn't make him less of a person, less of a man, that I think it could be something we work into our life together instead of it being something he hides and is ashamed of. I think it makes him feel good to hear those things but it doesn't seem to damper his fears in sharing this part of his life with me. He also said that he feels like this is a small part of his life and that it will never be a bigger part of who he is. I said that I thought that could change, that you never know what the future holds and yet he seems to be dead set on the idea that it will never be bigger than it is now. I also let him know that the cyber stuff was not something I felt like I could deal with for life. He said he will respect that and come up with something else as an outlet. He refused to entertain ideas of something that includes me. I suggested dressing and masterbating alone..don't know if that is something he will go for. I could live with that option and just hope he won't be keeping the cyber thing a secret in the future. This is something I really wanna work on in therapy.

I am really hoping that going to the therapy togther will be a way to break down some walls or at least start to..or that maybe she will be able to help us negotiate some boundaries or activites in which he can include me in the future.

Loving the support, words of wisdom and things to consider from all of you. Many thanks!
That means that you are always out of the loop. That truly is a red flag, I think.

[Maddie22]

Hi Sara,

I think you two are already making some great progress. While I have yet to be in the situation where I've told a SO (although that could be changing in the not too distant future, in which case I'll be here looking for advice) I would have to agree that seeking counseling together, taking the situation slow, and having open communication will help out getting to point where he is comfortable around you, and perhaps dress with you.

In the case of the online chatting he does, I'm going to be the first person on here that takes a bit of an opposite opinion on this matter. I don't see it as a red flag per-se. Just because he was chatting with another man taking the female role doesn't mean he wants to be female and start being with men. He maybe taking this role because he is acting out in fantasy online what he would like the female to be with him in real life. Perhaps why he doesn't want to involve you at this time with this side of things could be similar to why he is a little shy to open up and dress in front of you as well.

In addition, just because he thought he should be born female doesn't mean he is going to transition. Sometimes I feel like I should have been born in Europe, doesn't mean I want to move there.

I'm not trying to dismiss anything anyone has said so far to you, but rather trying to shed a different light on the subject.

More than likely he is scared to open up because he is scared of losing you, just give him some time and eventually it'll all come together.

Keep having your open mind, and I hope things work out for the best!

One last thing, taking him to your best friend's drag show, in my opinion, would be a great way to venture out with him dressed for both you. I love going to a good drag show, they are so much fun, and no one is judging anyone.

[Iskandra]

Perhaps he would consider chatting to you online when enfemme? I'm not talking cyber, but general girl talk..
The fact that it is less confrontational might make it easier for him..

But there is of course the possibility that it's more about the sexual kink to him than wanting to do and talk about general girly stuff! That the fantasy doesn't involve other women, like he doesn't want you involved, perhaps female involvement ruins the 'kink' for him, but he can't openly say that without feelings being hurt..
"another fine mess you've gotten us into Stan".. (to quote Laurel and Hardy)
Good luck with it Sara... Truely hope it works out for you..

[Shelly67]

Hmmmm . Could be miles off target here but perhaps some crossdressers prefer to stay out of sight and mind due to one factor . Being laughed at , passable or not .
Some issues with people no matter how trivial or important , well , the more we try to approach theyre ways of life or concious beliefs , the more we drive them into silence .


May I ask , have you tried a very understanding letter to ease your questions and worry ?

[Raychel]

Here is my take on this.

We are all taught that this is wrong from the moment that we first try on any item of the womens wardrobe. Shunned by family members, society, friends. Divorces have be directly related to crossdressing. Crossdressers have been totally pushed out of families, and some have even gone so far as to commit suicide, from the depression and outcasting.

So with all this in mind, it is very difficult for some of us to be totally open and dress in front of anyone. For the fear of the rath of the world.

When I first told my wife oof my crossdressing, she was very troubled by all of this. It certainly was not a good time in our marriage. But we managed to get thru it. She is a wonderful woman and is just starting to help me buy some outfits. She has said in the past that she would rather not ever see me dressed. Fair enough,

You SO may be fearful of some or all of these things, He may also be fearful that you may see him as less of a man, because he like to dress in womens clothes. It will take alot of reassurance and comforting from you to over come this. It no doubt will be a very slow process and may take years. Remember this has been drilled into his head as being wrong for alot of years. It may take a while to de-program him, But with time and enough re-enforcement from you it can happen. If you are truely commited to this man and he to you, You can overcome this and life a long happy life together.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think that the first three things a woman would want to know when she discovers that her SO is a crossdresser are:

1. Is it crossdressing or are you gay, i.e., are you sexually attracted to men or women?
2. Are tou a transexual, i.e., do you feel like you are a woman in a man's body)?
3. Do tou want to transition, i.e., do you want to be a woman?

I get the feeling that your BF is not in a position to answer any of those questions. Or maybe worse, he does know and is not confiding in you. That's where a therapist might be able to help.

From your point of view, you need to decide if the answers to any of those questions are deal breakers.

It's also possible that his online excursions are ways of achieving his fantasies.

I have a lot of fantasies, but I know in my heart that they are just that: fantasies, I would not actually carry them on IRL.

I think most women would consider an online relationship, of whatever form, cheating. I'm not saying that it is or isn't, but you need to determine for yourself whether it is or isn't.

[Leelou]

I strongly agree with Steffi and Maddie. I don't think that we need to assume that the online stuff is a "Red Flag" as many have suggested. We have had countless threads here discussing sexuality as it relates to crossdressing. There are many, many straight crossdressers that fantasize about being with a guy when dressed as a woman--me included. But I have never, and will never, act it out in real life--because I'm straight! I think it's very likely that may be where your BF is, because he's told you he's only attracted to women.

Anyway, you sound wonderful and thanks for the updates. Your BF is very lucky to have you. Best of luck to you both.

[ReineD]

I also agree that having had past cybersex experiences doesn't mean you are doomed to be kept out of the loop. If he was single when he did this, then it was fair game. The question isn't so much how he expressed his sexuality when he was single, but whether or not he sees you as his primary sexual partner and if he is interested in remaining faithful to you now. He did say he would respect your feelings about not having cybersex.

This is no different in my mind than someone who has had several past casual sexual relationships with women, but who is no longer interested in playing the field now that he is in a committed relationship.

If your SO was planning on hiding anything, I don't think he would have shared his past with you. The importance now is for both of you to keep the channels of communication open with regard to sex, and for him to know that you do want to be the one he goes to, should he experience the urge to explore femininity through sex. :)

[suchacutie]

I've tried to read all of this very carefully and what comes through to me is that your bf is having trouble working through what it is to be in a truly honest, trusting, faithful, and committed relationship. Every couple has issues to work through and understandings to be made clear. I find it remarkably healthy that the two of you are working on this seriously from the start.

One of the positive aspects of discovering my transgenderedness at a later stage in life was the incredible set of conversations I have had, and continue to have, with my wife about the differences in the socialization of boys and girls as they grow up. We've been amazed at the revelations that had never seemed to rise to the surface before the discussions about what it is like to be a girl growing up. Sometimes I've wondered how any relationship can survive in the face of these massive differences in expectations and experiences, and yet they do! Have faith that these discussions will help you grow together if you really are committed to each other!

Bese regards,
Tina

[Chickhe]

I think I've figured out some of this for myself from experience. The wanting to do it privately is simply a way to enjoy doing it and learning at your own pace. It is not about lying or hiding... and its a lot to do with stress release and not wanting to make the activity 'add' more stress.

[sara_s26]

I think a big part of not wanting to share the crossdressing with me is that it would take away from the relaxing part of it for him. It would stress him out so much to have me there that the whole point of doing it would be taken away. Maybe over time and with the therapy he will be able to let me in on this, a little at a time. I am hopeful.

As far as the chat, it is something that he has done in our relationship. He says he did it at the beginning when we first started dating and it has slowly went away the longer we have been together. Now that he knows it bothers me, he says he is going to find some other outlet. I'm hoping he doesn't just start doing it in secret..to me that would be worse than just doing it. I gotta trust that he is going to do what he said he would.

He also says that as he has gotten older his need to crossdress and the fantasies have gotten less and less. Its almost like he is trying to push it out of his life because it bothers him so much. He was abondoned by his mother at a young age and his Dad, although a great father, is a hard ass and very hard to please. I can't help but think that crossdressing is a way of giving him that soft female role he needed and needs in his life. I think I am more realistic about crossdressing being a part of his life forever than he is. He seems to think it might go away or something. I'm pretty damn sure it won't. Or maybe he says that so I won't worry or something..I'm not sure.

I know because of his mom he has a lot of worries of abandonment and women have always left him in life. I wanna be that woman that stays by him and doesn't let him down. All this to say..gosh I love him..lol..and I sure hope we can find balance and happiness together.

[donnalee]

The difficulty is that he is probably very confused about where he is going with this himself; I know I certainly was and to a large part, still am. I knew that I had done this for a long time (when I thought about it, realized it was much younger than I had previously acknowledged) and had gone through a number of of acquire/purge cycles without knowing what they were or why. It wasn't so much that I thought it would cause problems with my SO or my family; it was primarily that I would then have to officially declare to myself what I was.
I suspect this is also your boyfriend's problem; he has spent a lot of time & effort to appear a certain way to others and most importantly, to himself and feels insecure about any changes to that persona (this is dime-store psychology and just something to think about, please dpn't consider it anything more). I have always compartmentalized my friends & aquaintances as I have a very wide range of interests that span the political & social spectra and think each group views me in a completely different way. I don't think I'm deceiving anyone, just displaying different facets to each group; I suspect your BF sees things in a similar light, hence his reluctance to share this part of his life with you.
Be patient and give him his space; there is nothing that needs to be dealt with right this second, is there? Once he realizes you're there for him and aren't going anyplace, he will start to accept your presence and may be more forthcoming.
You have given him a tremendous gift in accepting all the parts of his being and should be applauded for doing so; now he just needs to accept himself.

[Fundy]

I think a big part of not wanting to share the crossdressing with me is that it would take away from the relaxing part of it for him. It would stress him out so much to have me there that the whole point of doing it would be taken away. Maybe over time and with the therapy he will be able to let me in on this, a little at a time. I am hopeful.

This is what happened with my SO and I. At first, when cding came to light, he was excited and I was supportive. But for some reason, I guess cause we're human, it went from an initial honeymoon to being not so great. He began hating dressing around me, as I was stressing him out and I would agree that I was. I was so focused on showing him support that I wasn't paying so much attention to how I was feeling. So, in some ways he wasn't sure what to expect cause one day I was okay with it and then all of sudden would get distant or uncomfortable. We are gradually working our way forward with a little two steps forward, one back at times.

You seem really grounded and open and loving. I think you just need to keep communicating and be aware of your needs too - if you aren't ok with the online stuff, then I would hope that he could compromise and work though it with you...I remember and still struggle with feeling like he needed to be protected because this is so sensitive that it is really very hard to express any limits or negative feelings because all you want to do is show support and love. I am lucky that my SO really encourages me to say how I am feeling regardless, and have to give credit to the cd.com site, alot of his strength and courage and insight into how I feel has come from being on this site and connecting with others. So, I also agree that encouraging him to join is a great idea.

[Starr]

It sounds like maybe he has not come to terms with himself as to his crossdressing. He could also be bi-sexual or sexually confused and not want to confront you with that part of himself. He needs someone to "hold his hand" and let him know it is ok.

[sara_s26]

Ok..so we had a break through last night and I thought I would update everybody. First, he called the psychologist and we are awaiting a call back to schedule an appointment. Then, we started talking about everything and I told him that I thought we had two paths to take..one where he keeps things the way they have always been and a second one where we could share it together. I was honest with him and told him that if he chose to keep things the way they have always been that I didn't think I could stay with him forever. I can't handle the sneaking and hiding things from me. It just isn't something I can deal with personally. I said that life is too short to be ashamed and hiding who you are. That I thought this was something we could use to make us closer. I told him the choice was his to make. He could decide either way and I would respect his choice. He said he would do anything to make us work and that he was willing to take baby steps over time to share it with me. And that he didn't wanna hide that part of him from me anymore. It was an awesome first step and left me feeling really encouraged.

And then I couldn't believe it but he asked me what I was open to trying! Since the online chat thing has been his primary outlet for this part of his life, I told him we could do the chat thing together and see how it goes and I could help him get off..lol...So we did..and it was fine. It didn't feel bad cause I was involved, I got my needs met when it was over and we cuddled after...lol. I know maybe it seems weird but at this point I'm willing to try it and see where it takes us.

He also said we could work up to him dressing in front of me in the future (I think it would be great to get the best of both worlds, the manly part of him and the soft female part too). So happy to be taking some steps toward sharing this together and for him allowing me to be part of it.


It sounds like maybe he has not come to terms with himself as to his crossdressing. He could also be bi-sexual or sexually confused and not want to confront you with that part of himself. He needs someone to "hold his hand" and let him know it is ok.

You are 100% right. It is something he wishes he could just get rid of and struggles to accept it.

[ReineD]

Congratulations Sara! :)

Yes, it is a start and the importance is that it works for you both.

Kudos to you for taking the bull by the horns and speaking out. It's amazing how unspoken issues lose their power when we decide to put them on the table, isn't it? :D

[Gaby2]

You are a very considerate and loving SO Sara.
It's been so nice reading this thread...
from post to post, and update to update, one feels that things are heading in the right direction.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for both of you.
:rose2:Gaby

[Pythos]

You are 100% right. It is something he wishes he could just get rid of and struggles to accept it.

I find this statement to be disturbing. I really hope he works things out, and he learns what he is doing IS NOT a disease.

[Joannas_fiance]

The advice here about your situation is pretty good. The deeper issue is with the cyber stuff. Successful relationships need to have open communication about everything. Talk to him more about the cyber stuff. If he is ok with you asking questions like you said he was then I would dig deeper into that. Perhaps if you could get him to join this site as one person suggested he can see he isn't alone in any of this.

Hope

[Meredy]

I think it is great that you are so accepting, and you BF is very lucky.

I told my wife, and she said she was accepting, but she has since ignored and avoids any type of conversation about it, so I still feel like I have to hide and resist. I'm not going to push any issues. That said, I also know that if my wife suddenly did an about turn and wanted me to do a full showing for her I would cringe and try to avoid it.

I have witnessed crossdressing has been the butt of jokes my whole life, part of has made me feel like a broken person and have felt like I had to overcompensate by acting super macho. So actually showing somebody my other side for the first time will be a very scary experience. I would be waiting for the laughter to explode, or any other degrading result my mind can conjure up.

I also have not been fully dressed and made up since my teens. I used to be good at make up, and still had a body that I actually could create a good illusion. 28 years later, I'm not sure how well I could create an acceptable appearance, or even not just look like a man in a dress.

So it could be your SO would love to include you, but just feels terribly self consious and afraid of your reaction to something that he may still be trying to accept himself.