selfish addiction?

[Sara82]

I can't help but think that wanting to CD, and do fem things is some sort of selfish addiction/OCD type behavior.

I want it so bad sometimes,be a women and feel i need to do it, that it causes anxiety for me when i can't. But then another part is telling me that I need to stay grounded in reality and stop thinking so much about my self, but rather how my selfish actions effects the people close to me.(mainly me SO) I

I found out that I'm gonna be a dad soon, and feel that I have a role and responsibility as a man to be strong and stable for the child. How can I be this person when i'm not even happy with who i am??

sorry im just ranting and probably all over the place. how do i find a balance in all of this??

[Karren H]

I've had those feeling but for me I've reached a place where its all about balance. Of what you want to do with what you need to do and are expected to do... Its taken me years to realize this but I do do the things I have to do frist. And crossdressing gets what ever time is left over. If any. You let any one part of your life take too much control and you will spiral out of control. Imho.

[deebra]

Find the right balance thats right for you and the other people and things in your life. Don't quit on cding, it's part of you and you would be unhappy if you quit and your unhapppiness would be passed on to others. This strong compulsion to charge
full speed ahead, not be denied, etc. to dress full time and be accepted hits most of us but we just have to adjust and handle it.

[Raychel]

Still struggling with the proper balance myself. Hopefully someday I will find a happy middle ground.

[Debutante]

To be a full, happy, and furthe grounded person, you will have to accept all aspects of your self. This includes your crossdressing.
You wll have need responsibilites and needs now that you have a child. But to cut off any time for CDing, would be hurtful for you.
You will need to find time for yourself to nurture that woman within.... keeping balance will mean finding ways to have time for responsibilities and self
needs...... not always an easy task........ may the Goddess bless your new child!

[Fab Karen]

What does being a man mean ( maybe also ask what does being a woman mean )?, what does "being strong" mean? What does being stable mean? Things to talk with a therapist about.

[Inna]

I have found the middle ground, but it turned out not the middle at all but the pinnacle of the highest high. Truth, not mere interpretation of the rules, but what was in my heart and soul. The truth of being a perfect and wonderful creature whose soul is female and true. Yes I have lost what I never had in the first place but gained unmeasurable freedom and peace of being my self for the first time in my entire life.

We are never ready to put our selves in front of the world and say "here I am, take it or leave it" We always intertwine fear into freedom, but I got to the point I could not await my own destruction any longer. I have committed the act of self preservation and I am a living proof to happiness beyond the sorrow and pain I so lived ago.

You bring out the most precious point in your post, how can someone so sad and surrounded by pain bring a new life and embrace it and teach it about the beauty and wonders of this amazing place.

I know in your heart you know what shall come, and do not be afraid, through pain and sorrow we must walk to then emerge whole and beautiful.

[kimdl93]

One needs to use the word "addiction" carefully. There are many human behaviors which, at some point, can become so consuming that individuals fail to meet their other obligations and through that neglect, precipitate serious harm to themselve and others. We have obligations to each other in our family, vocation, community, nation. But we also have an obligation to ourselves - to recognize all of what makes us who we are, and do so to the best of our ability.

[Suzy Parker]

My councelour once said my crossdressing was like a drug addiction in that when I dress chemicals are released in my brain the triggure this intense feeling of euphoria and peacefulness much like drugs do and that this in itself can be very addicting. Hmmm, let me think, drugs that will kill me or wearing killer clothes and heels. Seems like a no brainer to me.

[SuzanneBender]

None of us can deny the desire that oft times overwhelms us. No one can point to a reason why. Many of us have been wracked with guilt all our lives. We believe love will be the cure because we have a hard time loving ourselves because of all of this, but it doesn't. Some try to load their lives up with so much responsibility and this compulsion still doesn't go away. Some of us even try the most Macho careers we can find and it doesn't help. Where does that leave us?

I have finally accepted who I am. I have become proud of it. Many of the best parts of me flow from my feminine side. However, I also love the life I have built and those in it. Therefore, there has to be a balance. I can tell you what that balance looks like in my life, but it will look different in your life. Therapy is helpful in finding balance along with a lot introspection. You have to figure out what matters in your life. Take inventory of everyone and everything that brings you light, joy and happiness in your life and develop a way to fit them all into your life.

[docrobbysherry]

"Is a puzzlement", Saya. As Yul Brenner used to say.

First, we must compromise our dressing against our responsibilities. Which can be VERY difficult and may require a long time to accomplish!

Then, we need our SO, families, and friends to ACCEPT our, "female accomodation"! And, THAT is what is so very difficult! Because we can't control the actions/feelings/thots of others!

[dawnmarrie1961]

I can't help but think that wanting to CD, and do fem things is some sort of selfish addiction/OCD type behavior.
GEE. Like I haven't heard that before? Yup. Where did I hear that? From somebody I know ( Maybe not that well but I'm working on it.) ME!!!

IT'S A BEHAVIOR.

Three cheers for me!!!
Big deal. There's no solice in being right. Espeacially when the answer tends to only complicate things. Far better that we are all to believe that the cause is genetic. That answer is: EASY, NEAT and doesn't require explanation.

[Momarie]

I think that someone who can look with such true clarity at one's self ~ is already balanced.

Congratulations on your baby, oh what joy you are about to receive!!!

[Kathy4ever]

I agree with everyone in that you have to find balance. Depending on what stage you are in that might be harder to do than say. If the pink fog has got you then that will be very challenging. By the way congratulations on the new addiition. There will be joy but many sleepless nights a head too. Remember it could be only for the next 3 or 4 years.

[Kate Simmons]

You don't have to be a "man" or a "woman" to be a parent my friend, just yourself. Your child will appreciate that most of all as he or she grows. :)

[eluuzion]

Don't worry, when you become a father, you will be way too tired to think anymore. :heehee: Having kids tends to automatically make you feel like you have some direction, purpose and clarity in your life. Babies force you into maintaining a routine, which replaces indecisiveness with structure, which creates a sense of "security". Unfortunately, it is all a mirage, but it works...:D

Only two words of advice for you regarding fatherhood... "Disposable Diapers". :D

Life will always have more questions than answers. Nobody has this life thing totally figured out, even though some people claim they have it figured out. Counting the number of law enforcement personnel, mental health professionals and liquor stores should convince you of that.

You might have set your expectations a bit high. Lowering your expectations to goals that are achievable reduces a lot of that confusion and stress. I decided to simplify my expectations. My basic goals are to stay out of prison and mental institutions...and always wear a condom. So far, so good...:thumbsup:

Think Less, Act More
Life is short...:hugs:

:love:

[Sara82]

Thanks for all the encouraging compliments everyone, I really appreciate it. While I realize balance is important, I still don't know how to cope with the internal dialog that reads: "I want to spend my entire life as female, because this is who I am, and what I want" vs. "This is just a fantasy world, and i must stay grounded in reality, and achieve balance in my life".

I went through this same battle about two years ago, and settled on the fact that i just crossdress for enjoyment, and that it will never spiral out of control again. But here I am, battling the same question again. I can't seem to discern the difference in my own mind.

When I think of all the things I enjoy to do, I feel I'd rather do them as a female. I'd rather spend time with my family as female, and in general spend every bit of time as female. I've been on a two month break of feminization and did i feel this way a month ago? No... Has the pink fog got me in its hooks or was it just clever denial? Possibly.. I can't tell the difference anymore. I don't hate every second of my life being male, I just feel I'd prefer it as female.

Over the 12 -15 years I've been crossdressing, my behavior would indicate that I'm a fantasy driven crossdresser. Should I just take comfort in the fact that my past behavior is completely indicative of what this cross-gender exploration really is?

I've been closeted about my CDing with the exception of my SO, but i feel to really find answers, I need good length of time to explore the other side, without any time restrictions or constraints(my own and from others)

Has anyone else gone through this same thought process, and perhaps maybe even took that leap to a full time woman? for better or for worse?

[StephanieC]

This is a tough question. If you can discuss this with your SO, I think you're blessed. I don't know how many people have things "figured out": I certainly don't. I've raised two lovely children and my life has been greatly enriched by that experience. I will echo the comment about children forcing some changes in your life. There is a rhythm and pattern that develops and before you know it, they are grown. I think sometimes we lose ourselves in our relationships, be it as a SO or a parent, etc. We concentrate on others and forget to think about us. Some people know who they are but I don't...I continue to learn. So:
1. There is no playbook or rule book that tells us what we should do in our role
2. We may not really know who we are
3. People change over the years, some more than others
4. Sometimes we are driven by circumstances (we are not always fully conscious of where we are going)
5. Relationships are dynamic, both causing change and being affected by change
Perhaps the one suggestion I'd make is to try to be the best that you know how. Pick up your head from time to time to take stock of how far you've come and where you are going. Be honest. Share your thoughts and feelings with your loved ones. We often times sweat the small stuff (and I think our lives are filled with lots of "small stuff"): try to consider how you'd feel five years from now...what difference would it make? Try not to lose yourself. :2c:

Good luck

-stephani

[suchacutie]

This is a very mature question, and you are approaching it in a very mature way. "Balance" in life may be the one most difficult thing we all face. Many have said that one's gender does not define the quality of one's parenting. I agree. With that issue out of the way, it seems that you are just where many of us are all the time, at least those of us who live with both of our genders. The only way to know if you really are completely committed to living as a woman is to try it. When you've had enough time for the bloom to be off the rose you will understand whether being a woman full time is as glorious as you might think from the perspective of having not dressed in a while. If you are a "fantasy-driven crossdresser" my guess is that the realities of being locked to only one gender will become clear quickly. Also, I can't stress enough to bring your SO into this equation. She can be of incredible help to you. Have some frank discussions about what it is like to be a woman all the time, how it was to grow up socialized as a woman, how the expectations change, and how one's emotions change. Then the two of you can list what changes you would need to make in order to, at the very least, do the experiment of living full time as a women for the experiment. Basically, if you want to find out, you have to try it, and you need your SO to be in your corner as you do. Lastly, now would be the time while your child is small!

Tina

[Inna]

I have been on the path to womanhood for a while now. I too was handling my world, as I have learned in my early childhood, all by my self. Buy this is where everything stops. We are simply not equipped to deal with underlying subconscious. For that we need a person aware of this phenomena and who can show us direction and support in exploring such. Therapy is the only answer, sometimes it takes long and sometimes short time but it is a necessary ingredient of understanding and making peace with your own self.

I think you have come to the crossroads and all that you need right now is support, love, and understanding. Therapy is not a promise of happiness, and it does not solve life in general but it can surely center you and allow clarity so necessary in life.

[Sara82]

Hi Guys, some of your comments have really resonated with me.

@eluuzion

Couldn't' have been said better. I do tend to over think everything, and sometimes definitely set my expectations super high in all aspects of my life. I need to focus more on just doing, and not thinking, thank you!


@suchacutie

I agree that i definitely need time to really explore the other side, to really know what it is that I want. Sitting locked in the house by myself as Saya with no real human to human contact is not going to solve anything. The more I sit with my thoughts the more confused I get. I feel that without being around people who can accept me, ill never fully understand myself. I get minimal acceptance from my SO, but not enough to learn and explore. we have an "out of sight out of mind" agreement.

@alexia

perhaps therapy is in order, whether it be surrounding myself with other Trans folks or paying a professional, i can't agree more that I need communication and acceptance from others to really grow beyond this point. I really dont want Saya to stay trapped in the closet, and in my mind.


It funny how easy it is to repress these thoughts and feelings, especially when the waters get rough with my SO , but I always end up back at square one. Life is so challenging right now, I'm just starting my career, I'm going to be a parent, and I'm committed to a person whom I love. And during all of this, i'm struggling with almost a double identity. Saya definitely feels like an escape from reality at this point. If I were to turn back time, I can't help but feel that I wish I could have explored the world as Saya through my teen years instead of trying to do it now. The regret is definitely not fun.

[anouk]

In crossdressing there are really some processes in neurophysiological level that resembles many mechanisms in drug addiction. For me the symptoms appear when I cannot crossdress for a long time and I can feel the deep peace when I finally have the chance to do it, partly conected with endorphin burst inside me. On the other hand it is totally possible to live "balanced life" as a crossdresser if you enviroment is adjusted so that you can be the one in every day life. The same cannot be said for example in case of crack or heroin addiction.

And as the sisters already said wisely, you just have to modify your life conditions in such way that you don't need to be in contradiction with pressures from the enviroment, to get the maximal freedom to let your girly side live. And it may need careful plans and preaparations for the next steps of your life.

[ricci]

Luckily, when my wife had our first son, my desire dropped off for a long time. Now I dress when nobodies home. For some of us the need reaches a point where we need to come out to the world and the balance needs to change. You have to find your own balance that you can live with.

[5150 Girl]

I've felt selfish myself a time or two, however, I came to realise that it's a part of who I am, and dressing is about beeing true to myself and who I am as a person. Also, if one is a TG advocatethat makes it highly un-selfish

[emmicd]

you are going through what most go through whether they crossdress or not. as a crossdresser and a husband and father i can relate to you. first let me congratulate you. becoming a father is the best thing that can happen in your life and you need to take very good care of the little baby and be very supportive of your wife. this will make you a better person. you need to learn to separate the crossdressing from your family role and responsibility and you need to control it as best you can. naturally holding you baby and being there for your wife and baby will make you stronger and a much better person. just realize the crossdressing will never stop so you need to control it. good luck.

[Cathrine]

Hi Saya

Sometimes you have to be a bit selfish to make yourself happy,NOT ALL THE TIME JUST SOME TIMES, my wife and I enjoy my cding together so selfish it is not as we do it toegther, NOt sure if your SO accepts you for you. i have three children ranging from 3 to 11 years. you can be the man your children need while being a CDer and it all works out, i am a farther to my kids as best as i can be but i just do it wearing womens clothes not a skirt infront of the kids but i do wear womens pants and shirts so don't worry about your future child just yet love your child love your SO and things will work out on there own time and way. The only advise i can give (for what it is worth) is be yourself and be the person who makes you happy if you are happy everybody will be.

[Ria]

You said it Saya... I have felt the same way. I have two little girls that love their dad and a beautiful wife by my side. I need to deliver a "husband & daddy", my family, my prime directive in life is counting on it. I want to deliver this, I'm loving it so far (mostly) but I've got to do it... with this crossdressing thing I've got going on... ??? It's almost funny. I think suppressing it would manifest itself somwhere else I fear and to make matters worse, I doing love it (Crossdressing).

Sometimes it feels like it's not completely "sane". It seems like crossdressing is like a genetic ingredient we got handed at birth. Karen Hutton, you nailed it. I think it needs to be controled, just like everything else in our life.

[Amanda22]

It sounds like you're having a conflict between what society says you should be ("big, strong Dad") and who you really are. I think you'll be a better parent being yourself. You'll be happier not trying to fit a stereotype, and thus a better parent. Just define your own role. I completely disagree that there's any selfishness involved. This isn't a hobby. It's who you are.

[xErica]

I have no insite in this. but i will say that i fell the same way. always wanted to be a girl but filled my life with manly macho stuff i could do. iv worked the farms, as a mechanic, and spent the last 10 years in the army as an infantry soldier. i finely gave in about 2 weeks ago and started to crossdress. the way it makes me feel is amazing and no not in a sexual way. i see people talking of stereotyping witch i did myself. to crossdress you must be gay, i know this is not true. in my life now i am married and have a 2yo daughter i love them both. id like to go beyond crossdressing. but this is where the selfish feeling comes in buy making myself happy i turn there lives upside down. so i understand how you feel im in the same place. i fear only losing my wife and daughter. family and friends are of no concern to me really they accept of not i can live with that. the loss of my wife would be devastating. witch begs the question to me at least is it worth it for me to feel better if i have to feel worse by losing my family. my wife is out of town now but there will me much to talk about when she returns. i will let you know how things go for me.

[cassidy1179]

as a GG I've been wondering something along those lines. Is this a selfish indulgence on my SOs part? I really think it depends on how you negotiate these things. There is definitly something magical that happens with CDing. I think it's beautiful, and I also think it's complicated. And I always think therapy is a good tool to have available. You are asking good questions! Thats a great place to start. Trust in your unfolding and know your baby who is coming could have no better parent then you and your partner. Breathe and be pretty! oooxxx

[Darla]

Hey - let me be a first to congratulate you! You're a dad! If there were ever a more transformative experience it's the being responsible for a smaller being that represents some weird existential dilemma. But good for you trying to get your mental house in order. Let me give you some advice: It's going to be okay. You are okay. Your crossdressing isn't a detriment, it is a strength that you are in touch with a feminine side, which you should rely on as you get three hours of sleep a night!

Have peace with yourself, make peace with your partner and tell her all about yourself, what you need and it'll all be good. Take time for yourself and your dressing if you need to, but be yourself and you'll be happy. I wish you the best luck!

[docrobbysherry]

Repressing your desires may only increase your longings. Where as, if u were to explore the full depth of your desire to dress, u may decide dressing is enuff. Then, u can decide how much and how often u need your CD fix!:D

That worked for me. I BEGAN CDing with the idea I wanted to be a female. However, after allowing myself to dress as much I desired, I found the longing to be a female passed. Appearing female was enuff and over time, I found out what amount of time I need to dress.:)

On the other hand, dressing may only increase your desire to go further. But, at least you'll KNOW!:straightface:

[Dita_B]

Has anyone else gone through this same thought process, and perhaps maybe even took that leap to a full time woman? for better or for worse?

Yes, I did... from the early beginning to the end after my SRS... I was also accused of being selfish... But being selfish is relative and subject to the way you look at it...

Those around you may accuse you from selfishness because they feel you forsake them in favor of your own pleasures... But you may accuse them from selfishness because they don't support you... This is a vicious circle...

The truth is that nobody should look at someone else for their own happiness... Happiness comes from within and not from others... So in short, you have the right to pursue your own happiness... and pursuing your own happiness is not selfish, as you can't make others happy when you are unhappy yourself...

On the other hand, those around you may be called selfish when they condemn your pursuit of happiness... because they feel it goes on their cost... They feel they are paying for your happiness with having to give up some of theirs... However, the stigma attached to all this is in favor of those around you and is confused by your obligations to your family...

In an ideal world, you should be allowed to express yourself as you feel you should and fulfill your role as husband and father in that expression... But that conflicts with the reason your wife married you... She married a guy and would not have married a girl... And it is here that you'll enter a slippery slope... In my experience as a counselor there are few marriages that survive a transition... More likely than not, the uproar starts when you are going to do things toward your transition that are irreversible, such as taking female hormones...

So who is selfish? You'd be the judge...

With :love:

Dita

[dawnmarrie1961]

Let me clarify something a little bit so that people here don’t think I’m an obnoxious bozo (OOPS! Too late!) My view on the reasons "why we are the way that we are" are just that “My view” and while they may appear on the surface to be totally arrogant and closed minded please do not find yourself judging me on those merits alone but rather take the time to really think about the message that is, however poorly, trying to be conveyed.
I do admit that genetics and other forms of influence may have some impact on our decision toward certain types of behavior. However these forces alone cannot ultimately be blamed for its manifestation. In order for me to be able to understand myself, and deal with the world on a daily basis, and the slew of behaviors that my own mind has created I wouldn’t feel comfortable with any explanation that negates the question of personal choice and responsibility.
I may not have control over everything in the universe but I like to think that even in the midst of all the chaos that circles around me I still have some power over myself and the decisions, good or bad, that I make.

But that's just me.

[Maiko Newhalf]

Saya, I sometimes find myself going through the same thing as you. I'm making an appointment to talk to a therapist and hope that would help. I think the most important thing is to understand what you want first. Whether you will or will not pursue it is the next question...

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Saya, You just have to keep every thing in balance if you let it CDing will takeover your life.

Orchid

[JustAlex]

I don't believe in addictions. If it's something that you do by yourself, that takes your will power and your hand to do it, it's your doing. You can't blame "addiction".

I'm a father and I also had (and have although it's different now) anxiety over crossdressing. I kept my crossdressing to myself (and my wife) and kept doing it. I may have been anxious once in a while because being a father takes a lot of your time and private space. I just stayed focus and kept my priorities clear. My kids were (and are) my top priority, my crossdressing waited for the limited times I had for myself and my anxiety was set aside to attend my responsibilities.
I don't say it's easy, I can't say it was too hard either. I just say that being a father is a handful, it takes your time, your space, your efforts and your focus. If you do it right, your anxiety about crossdressing is not going to be a problem.

[Aprilrain]

Thanks for all the encouraging compliments everyone, I really appreciate it. While I realize balance is important, I still don't know how to cope with the internal dialog that reads: "I want to spend my entire life as female, because this is who I am, and what I want" vs. "This is just a fantasy world, and i must stay grounded in reality, and achieve balance in my life".

I went through this same battle about two years ago, and settled on the fact that i just crossdress for enjoyment, and that it will never spiral out of control again. But here I am, battling the same question again. I can't seem to discern the difference in my own mind.

When I think of all the things I enjoy to do, I feel I'd rather do them as a female. I'd rather spend time with my family as female, and in general spend every bit of time as female. I've been on a two month break of feminization and did i feel this way a month ago? No... Has the pink fog got me in its hooks or was it just clever denial? Possibly.. I can't tell the difference anymore. I don't hate every second of my life being male, I just feel I'd prefer it as female.

Over the 12 -15 years I've been crossdressing, my behavior would indicate that I'm a fantasy driven crossdresser. Should I just take comfort in the fact that my past behavior is completely indicative of what this cross-gender exploration really is?

I've been closeted about my CDing with the exception of my SO, but i feel to really find answers, I need good length of time to explore the other side, without any time restrictions or constraints(my own and from others)

Has anyone else gone through this same thought process, and perhaps maybe even took that leap to a full time woman? for better or for worse?

You might want to see a therapist who is versed in gender issues.
I CDed most my life, sporadicly as a child but much more regularly after puberty. There was definitely a sexual component to it, which is supposed to be the hallmark of a "fetishistic cross dresser". Like you said though I just wanted to be female everywhere but it took a long time to become desperate enough to take that leap of faith. I had an aborted attempt at being an "out to my wife" CDer about 5 years ago but every thing I was reading about transition really hit home and I knew deep down that was what I wanted. Just being a CDer was an attempt to take a "middle path" but I hated CDing it was such a painful reminder of what I was not! In many ways it was easier believing I could some how some way make the whole thing go away (even though countless vain attempts should have proved otherwise) so I shoved it all back in the closet and my wife fooled herself into believing it had gone away even though intuitively she knew this was not the case. Some people have mentioned that becoming a parent settles you into a routine and it will make it easier to deal with your desires. My experience is that the two times in my life where desperation trumped fear was once shortly after the birth of my first child and the second time shortly after the birth of my second child. Coincidence? Who knows! Anyway having this come up two times in 5 years was enough for me to finally believe it wasn't going away AND I wasn't getting any younger! I've been in therapy for ten months, on hormones for 7 months and just legally changed my name and gender on my DL YAY! I've not been this happy and free in a long time. I still have a relationship with all of my family members too which really is a bonus and wasn't expected. I'm actually with my kids right now (their sleeping) my wife is on a date, lol! I went on one last night so it's all good !