Testing the weather

[AmyGaleRT]

The "weather" in this case being my fiancee's opinions.

A few days ago, as we were in the car, she commented on how long my nails were getting since I quit biting them. She commended me on my effort to break the habit, but said, "If you start growing nails long like a girl, I'll kick your [behind]!" This, of course, disappointed me a bit. (I subsequently trimmed them back...to about the same length she wears hers, more or less.)

Then she started making a comment about "I really need to get a ring on your finger," saying that maybe that would help her insecurities. This positively sent a chill through my veins, starting to wonder, "Am I going to have to give her the Full Disclosure, maybe before I'm ready to?" Fortunately, she dropped the subject soon thereafter, and hasn't brought it up since.

This doesn't look good, I know. If she keeps that "put a ring on it" mentality in mind, it may wind up imposing the deadline on Full Disclosure that I've feared. And her reaction to my nail length would seem to indicate that I'd be going into that discussion at a disadvantage; if she raises that kind of objection to just long nails, I imagine myself in full Amy-mode, imagine her reaction...and start visualizing something along the lines of "mushroom clouds." :eek:

Okay, I could be overreacting, giving myself a bad case of "analysis paralysis." And I'm certainly not going to just walk out of the bathroom as Amy on her; to paraphrase an author with which I'm familiar, I'd rather tape bacon to my forehead and walk into a tiger pit. But somehow, I have to find a way through this. Or I'm a bigger wuss than even I acknowledge.

[Persephone]

If she is your fiancee doesn't that mean that you are engaged and planning to get married? If so, why would "I really need to get a ring on your finger" seem so out of place to you?

And, if she is your fiancee and if that does mean you are planning on getting married, then the time to tell her the truth is NOW. No delay. If she cannot accept you -- all of you -- including your crossdressing, then you and she need to know that now. Otherwise, you are in for a life of guilt, shame, and hiding, and she is in for a life of suspicion and fear.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Plain-Jane]

I have to agree with Persephone here...

If she's your fiancee, then you already have a ring on her finger, right?? (an engagement ring)

The moment you proposed to this women, you promised to give all of yourself to her and this relationship but you're not. You're cheating her by holding back information. Imagine if she was doing something like this behind your back - and I mean really imagine it.

"Full Disclosure" should happen before you get engaged, not before you get married

[Marie-Elise]

I agree with the advice to bring this out now. I had no idea about this and only told my wife after 8 years of marriage. Luckily, she is supportive and open to it. But I lived in hiding for those years and it was unfair to her. The disclosure has enhanced our relationship. Now seems to be your time to tell her.

[Iskandra]

Then she started making a comment about "I really need to get a ring on your finger," saying that maybe that would help her insecurities. This positively sent a chill through my veins, starting to wonder...

A ring on your finger wont stop her insecurities, only you can do that! Perhaps they come from sensing a vibe that somethings hidden..

As for getting a chill through your veins.. that should be a thrill.. You are engaged to this woman, you assumingly want to spend your life with her.. Protect her, cherish her and all that jazz.. Hiding the truth wont do any of that, the only thing it will do once married is open up whole new cans of worms, can's neither of you would need or deserve..
As we say at work when given a disliked task... Suck it up princess!!
But in this case I'd say, be girly about it, small straw, little sips..

Good luck and be brave..

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Amy, It sounds like the start of a controling relationship one that YOU will not be in control of.

Orchid

[Marie-Elise]

Hi Amy, It sounds like the start of a controling relationship one that YOU will not be in control of.

Orchid

Very perceptive. That is something to consider.

[carhill2mn]

I really do not want to be negative but IMHO you have been given an opportunity to "stop and think". "Putting a ring on
your finger" will not help the situation. It will just complicate things even more!

You really need to think about your future with this girl (with your head). There are several "red flags" in your post. Her comment about what she would do to you just because your nails are a bit long; her idea that putting a ring on your finger
would stop you - ie. she is wanting to you to change because she wants you to;' maybe she is bit over anxious to get married.

In any case, any CD tendencies that you have will probably have to be repressed and that rarely is a good thing.

[Genifer Teal]

I take exception to her "I'll kick your behind" comment. What does she expect to do, beat the girl out of you? She could have just said if you do that I wouldn't like it. This point would raise a whole different set of concerns. What else is violence the answer to? Is there no room for discussion? How will you resolve other differences. I think you have a lot to talk to her about. Your reasons for being here are just a small part of it.

Gen

[UNDERDRESSER]

This could be a warning sign *OR* a golden opportunity to come out. I think, from what you have said, the deadline has arrived. Either tell her, and accept the consequences, good or bad, or make up your mind you're going to stop crossdressing. ( good luck with that option, you'll need it )

[xErica]

it will only get harder to tell her. if she is going to turn and run its better now then after 5 years of marriage. thank about telling her now verses latter when there is a kid involved. like me its scary when telling comes with the fear of not just gitting the ring back but losing your wife and seeing your kid on weekends. sorry i do not mean to come off harsh.

[ReineD]

People say thoughtless things all the time that they don't mean, or that would change drastically if they were to be actually presented with the situation. The ethos in our society is that men shouldn't be girly, and when they are, everybody thinks it is a big joke, ha ha. When people say these things, they never in a million years believe that the person they are talking to is a CDer. I've even been guilty years ago of making jokes about guys being girly. I didn't know any CDs and in my mind there was not even a remote possibility that I would ever get to know a CD. The trans community existed for me as if in a different world, it was so remote. At the same time, I did not have one prejudiced bone in my body and I never would have made such jokes if I had known a person in the room was TG.

I'm saying this to point out that an off the cuff remark made without any deep thought to it, that reflects popular cultural views is not an indication of her true beliefs. The situation will have an entirely different face on it when you do tell her, because then it will have to do with the person that she loves and that she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She will deal with this.

So. Please don't be afraid, and trust her. Have faith in her love for you. The time to tell her is now. I also agree with Iskandra. If your SO is feeling insecure about something, it is probably because she is picking up a vibe there is something you are not sharing with her. And in my mind, this is far worse for a fiancee to bear than dealing with the CDing.

To take the thought further, what are your alternatives? Not telling her at all would condemn you both to living in a relationship where there is an undisclosed truth. SOs do sense these things and eventually they do erode trust. Or, she might find your clothes one day and feel as if she was lied to, or maybe go on for years believing you had an affair, believing you don't love her, or believing she is not enough for you, etc.

But when you tell her, one of two things will happen: either she will not be able to live with this and if this is the case it is best for the two of you to face this before your lives become further enmeshed, or she will love you enough to stay the course, which I think is more likely. It might take some time while you both navigate through this but it is entirely doable.

We have a thread as a sticky at the top of this section, entitled "How To Tell Your Partner". You should have a look. :)

[AmyGaleRT]

Thanks for all the replies; you've given me a ton to think about.

Part of the issue is that, as noted in the OP, I'm a wuss...most of what I'm trying to do is overcome my own fear of telling her. Bear in mind, she would be the first person I've voluntarily told about this. Even my ex-wife didn't know.

Our "engagement" wasn't a really formal thing...there wasn't a dramatic "proposal" moment, we just kind of both fell into it. Perhaps I thought I could take that part of myself, bundle it away, lock it up in storage, and it'd never trouble us again. And now you're all shaking your heads at me, telling me, "What a fool." I agree; it sounds foolish even as I type it.

Part of the "I'll kick your [behind]" thing is just the way she is; she does feel very possessive of me, and worries any time I'm at some event that excludes her. (In this case, it was a company-sponsored event which didn't permit spouses, which I think was the trigger for her "put a ring on you" comment.) She's had abandonment issues with guys dumping her after they get "what they want" in the past; despite everything I do for her that is trying to show her that I'm not like that, it's not easy for her to let go of those feelings.

So if I do manage to tell her, what would be the worst that could happen? She might not want to be around me anymore, which would hurt and hurt badly, but I could live with it, I suppose. But there are two other possible negatives as a result. First, she might decide to "out" me to the world, which would pretty much finish me personally, professionally, and any other way I can think of. Second, the fact that we've been together this long and were suddenly separated would raise a lot of questions from family, friends, etc...questions that I wouldn't be prepared to answer with the truth.

I agree that she must be told. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here in the first place; I'd be somewhere else, anywhere else, trying to deny what I am instead of trying to learn more about it and come to terms with it. But it's going to be hard to "suck it up, princess" (thanks, Iskandra).

Apologies if this seems a little "stream of consciousness"...I'm not exactly feeling my most coherent right now.

[Plain-Jane]

Thanks for all the replies; you've given me a ton to think about.

Part of the issue is that, as noted in the OP, I'm a wuss...most of what I'm trying to do is overcome my own fear of telling her. Bear in mind, she would be the first person I've voluntarily told about this. Even my ex-wife didn't know.

Our "engagement" wasn't a really formal thing...there wasn't a dramatic "proposal" moment, we just kind of both fell into it. Perhaps I thought I could take that part of myself, bundle it away, lock it up in storage, and it'd never trouble us again. And now you're all shaking your heads at me, telling me, "What a fool." I agree; it sounds foolish even as I type it.

Part of the "I'll kick your [behind]" thing is just the way she is; she does feel very possessive of me, and worries any time I'm at some event that excludes her. (In this case, it was a company-sponsored event which didn't permit spouses, which I think was the trigger for her "put a ring on you" comment.) She's had abandonment issues with guys dumping her after they get "what they want" in the past; despite everything I do for her that is trying to show her that I'm not like that, it's not easy for her to let go of those feelings.

So if I do manage to tell her, what would be the worst that could happen? She might not want to be around me anymore, which would hurt and hurt badly, but I could live with it, I suppose. But there are two other possible negatives as a result. First, she might decide to "out" me to the world, which would pretty much finish me personally, professionally, and any other way I can think of. Second, the fact that we've been together this long and were suddenly separated would raise a lot of questions from family, friends, etc...questions that I wouldn't be prepared to answer with the truth.

I agree that she must be told. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here in the first place; I'd be somewhere else, anywhere else, trying to deny what I am instead of trying to learn more about it and come to terms with it. But it's going to be hard to "suck it up, princess" (thanks, Iskandra).

Apologies if this seems a little "stream of consciousness"...I'm not exactly feeling my most coherent right now.There's not a whole lot more I can add to the discussion, I just hope that you can muster the courage to trust her and tell her - and I hope the end result is a good one.

Mostly I just want to thank you for this honest and open post. It's really interesting to see things from the other side, especially when you're fighting your own battles. Makes you realise what the guy goes through in all of this :)

[Jenny Doolittle]

You sound so much like I did 38 years ago, but there was no internet to know I was not alone. I choose not to tell her of my penchant to want to dress feminine. I thought, after we are married this will go away. WRONG

The good news is we are still in love. still married and I did finally tell her about my need to allow my feminine side to emerge. She still cant understand why I have this need, heck neither do I, but she understands that it is a part of what makes me the person she fell in love with 38 years ago.

What she did say was that she was hurt that I felt I could not confide in her about being a CD before we married. When asked, would you have married me if you would have known beforehand, she said, "I am not sure." Life is a crap shoot, but put all the truth out there to allow you both to make a decision on all the information.

You have the advantage of all of us telling you what has happened in our own individual experiences, please use those personal accounts to make an honest heart felt decision when having that chat with your soon to be life partner.