Did your desire to transition wax and wane?

[Jay Cee]

I am really starting to question if I am a transexual. This doubt really hit me this weekend after two separate trains of thought ran through my mind. One was the realization that if I transition now, it's not going to set the clock back. I won't be a 24 year old woman - I'll be a 44 year old woman. I'm going to miss out on a lot of the "growing up" stuff. Half my life is over, and it's the young half. My apologies if that sounds superficial

The other concern I had was telling the parents. I know, I know... I'm an adult. Still, it's beginning to hit home that I may end up having people walk out of my life. I never really contemplated that before.

So I guess most of this doubt is fear based.

Any advice?

[GypsyKaren]

Whether you're a transsexual or not, whether you transition or not, no matter what you do with your life, you'll never have it all. I didn't transition and have my SRS until I was 54, I somehow managed to survive not being a 44 year old woman.

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Jay Cee, I think you may be confusing worries about the future with questioning if you are really a woman. Ultimately, only you can answer that question.

You are right that we cannot turn the clock back, but we can set the path for our future.

The reason why we call this transition and we generally have a prolonged RLE is to enable us to see whether we are doing the right thing for our lives.

In the past, I have allowed concerns for the future to prevent me from doing what I should do, please don't let regrets over what might have been prevent you from finding your fulfillment.

[Frances]

I am soon to be 45 and the pang of not having been a young woman sometimes hits me a little. Then again, I was not a young man either. I was an extremely uncomfortable ghost passing as a young man. Half my life is over too, but my life would have been over completely had I not transitioned. I was seriously about two weeks away from killing myself when I went back to the gender specialists of the Montreal General Hospital. So it was however many years left as a woman or nothing at all!

The unexpected thing about transition is that it did turn back the clock for me. Although I am still 44, I now look 10 years younger. Hormones removed a lot of lines and rejuvenated my skin, the grey beard is gone, I dye my hair (my natural colour) and my facial features softened up. I look a lot like I did at 16 for some reason, a time when looking like a girl was real easy.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

fear is alot different than desire..fear can impact your desire.. i had the same fear you do Jaycee.. i was 44/45 when it really started.. but i ended up focusing on the other half...no body can relive the past..i became overwhelmed by the thought of regretting that i ever lived, and pictured myself in my last days miserably resigned over the fact that i didn't do what i needed to do...

the way to deal with your current feeling head on is to completely cancel your transition. stop thinking about it. stop posting about it online.. give up on it ...it's not going to happen..
do not forget that transitioning into a female role is a not a euphoric thing (although there are moments!)...

its solving a problem that is causing you lots of suffering.. if you can give it up and not suffer, you don't transition..the emotional, financial and physical costs of transition make it a last resort..

it's not a mind trick..it's a decision making tool ...its why business people like to sleep on it before the sign the deal.

[gretchen2]

dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

[Frances]

Do not forget that transitioning into a female role is a not a euphoric thing (although there are moments!)...

I try explaining the same thing over and over to a lot people caught up in fantasies.

The opposite of gender dysphoria is NOT gender euphoria. It is normalcy. It is not exciting. The gender role comes with drawbacks too, like sexism and being infantilzed, having your appearance judged and getting a lot of unwanted attention, all the while having to smile to everyone. Transition itself is incredibly hard, especially in the beginning. It is not for the weak. The payback for all the effort is the end of the constant white noise (that voice constantly repeating that you are the wrong gender) and some peace of mind.

[Jorja]

I try explaining the same thing over and over to a lot people caught up in fantasies.

The opposite of gender dysphoria is NOT gender euphoria. It is normalcy. It is not exciting. The gender role comes with drawbacks too, like sexism and being infantilzed, having your appearance judged and getting a lot of unwanted attention, all the while having to smile to everyone. Transition itself is incredibly hard, especially in the beginning. It is not for the weak. The payback for all the effort is the end of the constant white noise (that voice constantly repeating that you are the wrong gender) and some peace of mind.

I do not think it can be stated any better than this.

[Kittykitty]

There was a Dear Abby once where a 45 year old woman said she always wanted to be a doctor, but knew it took 7 years to complete and was it worth 7 years of her time at this stage of her life, as she would be 52 by the time she finished?

Abby questioned very simply, "how old will you be in 7 years if you don't go for it?"

[Katesback]

In the end after all the dust settles, after you recover from surgeries, after you have spent a ton of money, and everything........ If you are lucky you will have a normal life. When I say normal I mean it is no different than the masses of people out there that are not trans. Of course you could take the "I am a tranny" route like some do but then they will perpetually remain in that fram of mind. A better way to put it is they will always remain in the catagory of circus freeks of nature. So you just have to decide if you want the normal and often bland life or the circus life.

Katie

[Stephenie S]

I try explaining the same thing over and over to a lot people caught up in fantasies.

The opposite of gender dysphoria is NOT gender euphoria. It is normalcy. It is not exciting. The gender role comes with drawbacks too, like sexism and being infantilzed, having your appearance judged and getting a lot of unwanted attention, all the while having to smile to everyone. Transition itself is incredibly hard, especially in the beginning. It is not for the weak. The payback for all the effort is the end of the constant white noise (that voice constantly repeating that you are the wrong gender) and some peace of mind.

Frances says this about as well as I have heard anyone say it. Read it again. When you transition, your life as a woman begins. (OMG, do I hear Kate's voice here too?) And this life is just as boring and mundane as your life has always been. You get up, make the coffee, feed the cat, leave for work, stop for supper on the way home, veg in front of the TV for a couple of hours, and then fall into bed. Whee! The difference is that you are now doing this all in the proper gender. It's hard work. A woman's life is not easy. Thinking it's all roses and perfume is a silly fantasy. It's life.

Now personally, I think there is nothing wrong with being a 44 year old woman. At 68, I would LOVE to be a 44 year old woman again. Just how do you plan to spend the rest of your life? Worrying about what your parents will think? OK, go ahead. But at the end of your life, do you want to think back and ask yourself, "Why didn't I? If only . . . ."

And as far as looking good, I know Frances and see her fairly often. I would NEVER guess she was 44 years old. She looks a good 30 easy. And no one believes I'm 68 either. Hormone therapy does lovely things for your appearance. But even if I did look 68 I would take it in a heartbeat to be rid of the constant pain of being a 68 year old gender disphoric.

You are never gonna be a 17 year old sexpot. Ever. And few women are either. So give up that fantasy. It ain't happening. But there's a lot to be said for gender congruency. I love it.

Stephie

[GypsyKaren]

The biggest part of my day is figuring out what to make for dinner, euphoria comes after I'm finished with the dishes.

[LitaKelley]

I wish my desire to transition would disappear..... it drives me crazy... makes me cry... pisses me off... I want more than anything to transition, and can't because of $$ and I'm not getting any younger.. I'm 42 and soooo badly wish I could do everything in order to be completely female and the fact I can not because of $$ hurts soo f---ing bad.... I'm at the point where I'm thinking "F--- everything" and ready to self med HRT because yes, it IS that bad

[Amber99]

I am really starting to question if I am a transexual. This doubt really hit me this weekend after two separate trains of thought ran through my mind. One was the realization that if I transition now, it's not going to set the clock back. I won't be a 24 year old woman - I'll be a 44 year old woman. I'm going to miss out on a lot of the "growing up" stuff. Half my life is over, and it's the young half. My apologies if that sounds superficial

The other concern I had was telling the parents. I know, I know... I'm an adult. Still, it's beginning to hit home that I may end up having people walk out of my life. I never really contemplated that before.

So I guess most of this doubt is fear based.

Any advice?

From what you are saying it doesn't actually sound like you are doubting you are trans, just that you are doubting whether transition is worth it for you. Try not to let just fear stop you, you may regret it very much later. My 2 cents.

[Stephenie S]

I wish my desire to transition would disappear..... it drives me crazy... makes me cry... pisses me off... I want more than anything to transition, and can't because of $$ and I'm not getting any younger.. I'm 42 and soooo badly wish I could do everything in order to be completely female and the fact I can not because of $$ hurts soo f---ing bad.... I'm at the point where I'm thinking "F--- everything" and ready to self med HRT because yes, it IS that bad

You can't transition because of money?

There is LOTS you can do for free. Voice is free. Dressing is free (well not really free, but ya gotta buy clothes no matter what your gender). A feminine hairstyle is free (hair grows no matter what you do). Hormone therapy is cheap, cheap, cheap. Eight dollars a month should get you started at Walmart. You can find that kind of money in your couch. Learning feminine mannerisms is free.

This will all get you well on your way, and costs but little. It's not money that's holding you back, hon. It's fear. If you are convinced that you are really a woman, ACT on that belief. Believe and then DO. That sounds simple, doesn't it? Well it IS simple. True, final transition can be expensive. But in this world of credit cards and "charge it, please", you will find a way once you get started.

Stephie

[Schatten Lupus]

I realized that I am in the final years of my youth, and I started too late to be a young woman. But I'll still the plenty of years ahead of me, and should things play out well I won't be a young woman, but I'll be a successful career woman. But the "woman" part is what matters and as long as it is there the other labels (young, old, broke, rich, ugly, beautiful, etc.) are only secondary.

[Schatten Lupus]

I wish my desire to transition would disappear..... it drives me crazy... makes me cry... pisses me off... I want more than anything to transition, and can't because of $$ and I'm not getting any younger.. I'm 42 and soooo badly wish I could do everything in order to be completely female and the fact I can not because of $$ hurts soo f---ing bad.... I'm at the point where I'm thinking "F--- everything" and ready to self med HRT because yes, it IS that bad
As Stephenie pointed out, there is alot you can do for little-to-no money. Therapy is kinda expensive, but you only do when you want/have the money. Same for electrolysis. Surgeries are expensive, but there are ways to finance them and make payments later. As they say, where there is a will, there is a way. Myself I'm taking out the maximum amount of loan money per semester to save it back to pay for everything. I'll have alot to pay back, but you can't put a price tag on being happy in your own skin. But many of the essentials to have to transition successfully, like your voice, walk, and mannerisms, only cost time and patients.
And do not, under any circumstances, self medicate on hormones. As daring and challenging as I can be, that is something I won't even tread on. It's of the utmost importance to have regular blood work done while undertaking HRT for a number of reasons, such as blood clots, allergic reactions, and the myriad of psychological changes that you may need help coping with and figuring out as the estrogen rewires your brain.

[Kathryn Martin]

I try explaining the same thing over and over to a lot people caught up in fantasies.

The opposite of gender dysphoria is NOT gender euphoria. It is normalcy. It is not exciting. The gender role comes with drawbacks too, like sexism and being infantilzed, having your appearance judged and getting a lot of unwanted attention, all the while having to smile to everyone. Transition itself is incredibly hard, especially in the beginning. It is not for the weak. The payback for all the effort is the end of the constant white noise (that voice constantly repeating that you are the wrong gender) and some peace of mind.

I could not possibly agree more. Peace of mind outweighs all the inherent sexism this society metes out to women. But be ready for it.

[Inna]

I don't think your question is weather you are a transsexual, but weather it is worth the trip. I am on my 4th year, and really, only 6th month of real hardcore transition inclusive of HRT, electrolysis, voice training and reveal to the world of my transsexuality.

If you ask I shall tell, this is by far the most painful, excruciating emotional experience of my life, however at times, the most poetic, freeing and wonderful as well.

Only one thing remains constant throughout, whenever I have a doubt, and truthfully there are plenty of times, and think of my self regressing to my previous deadman walking life, I quickly shake this feeling off and kiss the ground I am standing on.

[Sophora]

You can't transition because of money?

There is LOTS you can do for free. Voice is free. Dressing is free (well not really free, but ya gotta buy clothes no matter what your gender). A feminine hairstyle is free (hair grows no matter what you do). Hormone therapy is cheap, cheap, cheap. Eight dollars a month should get you started at Walmart. You can find that kind of money in your couch. Learning feminine mannerisms is free.

This will all get you well on your way, and costs but little. It's not money that's holding you back, hon. It's fear. If you are convinced that you are really a woman, ACT on that belief. Believe and then DO. That sounds simple, doesn't it? Well it IS simple. True, final transition can be expensive. But in this world of credit cards and "charge it, please", you will find a way once you get started.

Stephie

I will agree with this. this is something that I was told when I started complaining about money. believe me, I get ma'amed and "her"ed a lot. I have little money and even less now that I had to leave a job that was allowing me to transition. :( so yeah you can transition on little to no money. As soon as I can get a job and a car(I crashed mine just 2 days before I moved :( ) I am going to get a therapists and finish. but for now it is the little stuff that is going to count.

[TerryTerri]

On occasion, I take my 2 boys to a local park (they are 7 and 9). While they are playing I kick back, watch and relax. I usually notice and watch the little girls palying and lament that I will never have that girl childhood that wish I had of had. However, as pointed out by many, looking forward is the key, not looking backward.

As for the waxing and waning of desire, You did not state if you are on HRT. I know that, for me, HRT truely lessens the internal fracture of having gender dysphoria and has caused me to question whether I am transgendered and whether I need to progress. It took me a couple of "going off my meds" episodes for it to sink in that the reason my gender dysphoria lessens dramatically is BECAUSE I am on HRT and the pills are working and doing what they should be doing for someone who is transgendered. Further evidence I am transgendered!

Additionally, I seperate out a couple of the pieces in all this. Accepting I am transgendered is a factual sort of thing. When I look at the black and white realities, it's impossible at this point for me to NOT conclude I am transgendered. How I feel about it, and what I'm going to do about it are seperate issues from whether I am or not.

I still have mixed emotions at times regarding this. Slowly but surely I am accepting it all. But, it is like an onion with many layers that peel themselves back one at a time. As each layer is peeled back. I have found more acceptance with myself.

Also, it took some time, but I finally concluded that I did need to transition and that being on HRT and having an awareness of my malady alone is not enough, although it helps a great deal. Several of the girls here on this site helped me to realize that and I am grateful for their help. But, transitioning is a decision that you and you alone can make for yourself. If you are like me, you may need the help of others to figure it out though. The WPATH, which are one of the most universally recognized standards of care, clearly states that it is acceptable to receive HRT and not transition. In states that in some cases being on and HRT regime alone lessens the gender dysphoria enough to not require transition. I believe that, although for me, transition is the route I will take.

I am going at a snail's pace compared to many. Several girls that showed up here long ater I started on this forum are already long past SRS, while I have not even begun my RLE phase as of yet. However, each of us has complex situations that influence the process. My ex-wife's health issues (the ex I share our 7 and 9 year old son with) have hindered my progress repeatedly. But, I do trust the process itself and accept that life will unfold and my transition will unfold as it proabably should for me! This is not a race, each of us have to trudge our way through many facets of whether we are transgendered, are we going to transition, how it effects relationships, employment, etc. It's an overwhelming amount of stuff. Except, if you take it one small step at a time, it all seems to work out.

I am happier now than I have been in some time. I still have many baby steps in front of me, yet many behind me. Also, slowly but surely the sense of confidence and sureness come to me. Slowly but surely, my journey is proceeding. I am grateful.

Don't hesitate to ask for the experience and advice of the girls here. Many extremely useful pieces of advice and experience from the girls here have really helped me sort this out within myself. No one tried to coerce me or convince me, they simply gave me their thoughts and guidance to consider in sorting through my specific issues and influences.

This IS NOT an easy thing to deal with and sort through. But, it is VERY doable. When I look around here and see so many happy souls who have gone through the struggles I have and sorted it all out, walked through the fearful scary parts and found freedom, fulfillment, happiness and life on the solution side of this thing. Maks me think I can to, then that next step is easier to take, often exciting and cool! too!!!!

Good Luck to you, we're here if we can help.

[Kelsy]

[QUOTE=Frances;2559959] Then again, I was not a young man either. I was an extremely uncomfortable ghost passing as a young man.
[QUOTE]

I look back at my life and see a hollow individual unable to connect as a male always pretending and waiting for life to begin. I have worries
because I tend to be very empathetic and hate causing others pain. I have always existed to make others happy a real people pleaser but never
looked after my own happiness. You have to determine if transition is right for you and that you cannot live without it because in moving forward
your whole life will change with no returning - atleast returning to the life you have known. This is not a game it effects everything totally
be prepared to say goodbye to a large part of your past and many of the people in it. Look forward to a new life with all of it's possibilities!
Take your time an discuss everything with your therapist.

[AnnaCalliope]

I knew I should have been born female at age 14, but lacked the courage to tell anyone but my closest friends, and believed given the right heterosexual relationship, it would all just go away. It wasn't until I was 28 that the need to be female became so overwhelming that I knew it was either transition or end up back at the psych hospital. So I threw caution into the wind, and came out to my mom's side of the family, who welcomed me (for the most part) with open arms. I'm waiting on telling my dad's side until its absolutely necessary, because of their religious views concerning the GBLT community.

If you aren't already in therapy, find a good therapist. If you already have one, then these are the issues you need to bring up. Just don't sit on the fence too long, because we're not getting any younger.

[Aprilrain]

I had to ask myself what was more important keeping the status quo which was familiar and In a sick sort of way comfortable or transition knowing I could be disowned and rejected by everyone. I tested the waters by joining a support group and going out with them. I started presenting as female as often as possible without coming out to family (other than my wife who had known for some time) eventually I started telling friends and I told my sisters. I started presenting as female around them, I did this for months before I took the plunge and told my parents. All the while I was seeing a therapist and talking to her about how I was feeling about everything. The fears you have are valid and I had them too but in the end I had to ask myself will this come back to haunt me again? YES i knew it would and do I want to be older than I am now and start this process NO!!! I don't!!!!! I can't turn back the clock but I can do it NOW, later will only be more time wasted. That was a big motivation for me.

I think if you are truly TS this will only come back to haunt you later and then You will just be older.

[arbon]

Did your desire to transition wax and wane?

In some ways yes it can at times, though not that I doubt being transexual - experiencing the dysphoria is not as constant and intense as it used be as I am living more and more as a woman which takes some of the drive out of the need to transition. Plus the actual difficulty of transitioning can be frustrating, confusing and painful in it's own right and gives me pause, especially considering how many more years of this fun I have to look forward to.

So I do find myself in these places of wondering whether I can find a comfortable middle place to live or even if I could not make it back into living male full time (a little over a week ago I was seriously considering this temporally to help save my job). If I think about this rationally though I know that it is not possible. When I get the most depressed, anxious, hopeless and suicidal it is when I am feeling pressured not transition and am trying to convince myself to suck it up and be a guy. Which is stupid to put myself through that agony.

Coming out to family - is hard on relationships - it changes everything and it is something of a crap shoot in how it is going to to turn out.

[Stephenie S]

Let me just say that I have been around this community for over 30 years now and I know several dozen TG woman personally and many more in correspondence.

NOT ONE has ever said, "Gee, I wish I had waited just a little longer before I transitioned." Not one. To a woman the overwhelming sentiment is, "Why didn't I do this sooner?"

Take this and learn from it or ignore it. It's your decision. I'm jes' sayin'.

Stephie

[Rianna Humble]

I knew I should have been born female at age 14

Now that would have been a difficult birth :heehee: Imagine giving birth to a 14 year old :eek:

Sorry, that wasn't what you were saying, but I could not resist the silly thought.

[Kelsy]

I
When I get the most depressed, anxious, hopeless and suicidal it is when I am feeling pressured not transition and am trying to convince myself to suck it up and be a guy. Which is stupid to put myself through that agony.

Coming out to family - is hard on relationships - it changes everything and it is something of a crap shoot in how it is going to to turn out.

Once the process began for me It quickly became clear that I could not go back. There is nothing in my male existance that would draw me back it was all a sham
and like you Arbon I become anxious, angry, and emotionally unstable when I contemplate the possibility..
I am coming out to family now It is a scary but neccesary step.

[Schatten Lupus]

Im in the process of thinking exactly what to tell my family, and then waiting for the most opportune time to tell them. One of my biggest concerns is assuring that it is nothing either one of them done. I know both of them will, because my dad wasn't around much when I was younger and he has many regrets about missing out on alot of things, and as for my mom, she put heavy blame on herself when I first just suggested I might have Aspergers Syndrome. And then there is my sister, who may take awhile warming up but I think she'll like the idea of lucking out and getting the little sister she was wanting to be begin with. My brother I just don't talk to anymore, and since he'd get very nasty and hateful should I come out to him, I decided it would be best to just remember the good times we had. As for my sister's kids, I really don't see any of them having any real issues with it, other than just getting used to and warming up to the idea.

[Rianna Humble]

SL, probably the ebst advice given to me about telling an Aged Parent was to begin with something like "I've always known there was something different about me" then a little further in to stress that it is nothing to do with anything the AP did or did not do. It seems to have worked very well for me.

Apart from that, the other thing that helped me was the sticky thread on telling an SO.

I'm sorry that you have a brother you don't believe will take it well, but think your idea of remembering the good times is a great way to handle it. Do you think your sister might be better able to get through to him?

[Amber99]

I look back at my life and see a hollow individual unable to connect as a male always pretending and waiting for life to begin. I have worries
because I tend to be very empathetic and hate causing others pain. I have always existed to make others happy a real people pleaser but never
looked after my own happiness.

Wow this is the same as me exactly. I was held back a lot because I didn't want to cause trouble for others.

[Schatten Lupus]

I'm sorry that you have a brother you don't believe will take it well, but think your idea of remembering the good times is a great way to handle it. Do you think your sister might be better able to get through to him?
No. The best way to describe him is he is very mentally unstable and ill, which is combined with heavy and prolonged hard drug use and him being mentally stuck as an extremely insecure high school jock, and he refuses to acknowledge he has any problems. Rather, everyone around him he sees as the ones with the problems. He has went to therapy a few times, but he gives the therapist the "correct" answers to make himself seem ok. Honestly, he is not even the same person any of us knew and loved.

[LitaKelley]

You can't transition because of money?

There is LOTS you can do for free. Voice is free. Dressing is free (well not really free, but ya gotta buy clothes no matter what your gender). A feminine hairstyle is free (hair grows no matter what you do). Hormone therapy is cheap, cheap, cheap. Eight dollars a month should get you started at Walmart. You can find that kind of money in your couch. Learning feminine mannerisms is free.

This will all get you well on your way, and costs but little. It's not money that's holding you back, hon. It's fear. If you are convinced that you are really a woman, ACT on that belief. Believe and then DO. That sounds simple, doesn't it? Well it IS simple. True, final transition can be expensive. But in this world of credit cards and "charge it, please", you will find a way once you get started.

Stephie

Sorry, but you misunderstand me.. I'm already living my life as a women, and present myself as daily.. every single day I'm out, as a woman.. this is not the problem.. it's all the other stuff... like my BODY... I can't grow hair.. I'm half bald on top and back.... I can't afford electrolysis/laser and this constant battle with hiding shadow is depressing and annoying...

Hormone therapy is NOT CHEAP... sure the actual meds may be, but the rapist alone is $250 an HOUR, every week for however long it takes to get the prescription... add to that the endo and dr supervision, and we're now looking at a couple thousand dollars... and then about a year to see any minor results... As for credit cards, I do not have any, nor will I apply for any.

You're also wrong about your assumption that it's fear since I am full time, and have been for a few months now.. I have come out to more than 2/3 of my friends as well as my mother and sisters, etc.. I have gone to court as a woman, and go EVERYWHERE doing normal everyday things as a woman.. even without makeup.. BEING is not the problem.. it's the physiological and physical that's the problem.. I didn't feel like this before when I first arrived at this forum.. and it just continues to get worse as more time passes... It's becoming an obsession.. it's causing me alot of distress and suffering.. as well as confusion and various other feelings and emotions.... a year ago I could look at a gorgeous woman and have lustful thoughts... but today, when I see a gorgeous woman, I want to cry.. because I want to BE HER... have a beautiful perfect body like hers... have smooth soft skin like hers... have her feminine shape... her lovely long hair... her beautiful smile.. and I NEED to do this before I'm too OLD...... I don't want to transition when it's too late to be a YOUNG and beautiful woman.. I NEED to do it NOW and am becoming impatient.

[GypsyKaren]

At the risk of being jumped on (no groping!), I got tired of paying someone to write my scripts and have been self medicating for years. I seem to be still alive and haven't had an extra boob sprout on my shoulder, my gynecologist is aware of this and gives me an extra poke from time to time to make sure I'm not too well done, and it's much, much cheaper.

[LitaKelley]

....my gynecologist is aware of this and gives me an extra poke from time to time....


OMG, lol... I can't say what I'm thinking, but I do find this line very humorous. :)

[GypsyKaren]

One part of post-op life that I can do without is "stirrup time", talk about an awkward and helpless feeling.

I'm actually weening off the mones right now and will soon be off of them for good, my doc think it's best since I'm pushing 59 (yikes!), and I've probably changed all I'm going to.

[TeaganNataliaAcheson]

My desires to transition did wax and wane throughout puberty. When I was in high school, I was very torn between my sex drive and my social standing. I had no true friends but had the sex drive of a cat in heat. I wanted to transition, but at the same time I was afraid of not indulging my sexual drives. Also the fear of not having relationships terrified me, even though I wasn't having them to begin with. When I got out of high school I was even more torn. I had turned into an, ehem as I am told, a very attractive man, and was able to feed my carnal instincts that the testosterone had driven me towards. I had many relationships during this time with both men and women. Many of them ended though specifically because of my gender issues. I would be getting my fill of "relations" but when it came down to it, my discomfort with my gender and my body would creep up. So I would freak and purge my relationships. It wasn't ever "oh if I could just wear her clothes" or "God I want those shoes." It was all just too unfulfilling to be treated and perceived as a man, because that has never been what I wanted. So now that my drive has calmed down and I am looking at things much clearer, I would do anything to transition and that is unwavering for me now. I am no longer torn between, "gosh I wish people could see me how I see me" and "oh but this girl is so gorgeous and wants to go home with me." I am thinking more in the long term now and about what my relationships in the future could be if I transition ie EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Lita are you working?

Based on your comments, you are in the "the zone"... ..

you need to figure out a plan or you will get steamrolled... you somehow need to take the buzzing in your mind and translate it into action...it sounds ominous because in my experience it is a powerful time in your life... and if you don't start moving forward, you risk ending up trapped and miserable...ask how i know..heh

yes..the perfect endgame costs are enormous..but you have to forget that for now..
you look picture wise like you can skip ffs as a priority..lots of girls find a good wig and live with it, so if you focus on HRT and short term medical testing for blood work you can find a doctor that is cheaper than what you are saying..i am post surgery and i still shave every day...i hate it but i just do it..... so start with HRT, its not that expensive really..

i doctor shopped, i therapy shopped, etc...i found reasonable ways to pay for these things..ramen, beans and rice and tap water..you can do it too...