I just have to say something to someone

[sonna]

I told my wife about my crossdressing about a month ago i thought it was time to
quit hidding it and lying about it. she found my stuff about 2 maybe 3 years ago
she let me xdress for awhile then one day i came home and she thou out all my stuff she said if i ever did it again she would divorce me of course i said would never do it again ! well you know how goes i maybe made it a month or 2 before it started up again. so now i told her the truth and she has stopped talking to me at all about anything. i dont know how long i can keep it together anymore. i dont what to do. i feel horrible for lying, and i really miss her i wish she would say something to me, anything.

[kimdl93]

Its a rough situation. Obviously, you need to keep trying to reopen communications with your wife. Don't start with cross dressing, start by telling her what you told us : that you miss her (and love her). And keep trying - gently to coax her into conversation. If you can reopen conversation, then try to get both of you into therapy. If that doesn't work, then I don't know what to say.

[Karren H]

Mine never stop talking. Just stopped talking about crossdressing. There's still some underlying tension in our relationship after 3 years but it gets better as time goes on. I agree you need to get her to talk about anything at all. Then see where it goes from there.

[Amanda22]

So sad to hear of your situation. My heart goes out to you. Keep up posted. She just needs time and likely overreacted.

[Cynthia Anne]

It's rough to have to go thourgh that! Time can heel a lot of things! Try hard to keep your spirit up! I agree that you should keep talking to her rather she is willing to talk back or not! Hoping the best for you Hugs!

[Pythos]

WHat in the hell was her reasoning for this? I would be absolutely furious if ANYONE threw anything of mine out. She had absolutely no right to throw your belongings away, no matter how much she did not like it.

Stop folding. Gently pin her down and find out why it is she has these issues, why she is acting like this.

This is not a rough situation. IT IS ONE OF ABSOLUTE BS!!! When she threatened divorce you should have said "you know, that is a pretty piss poor reason to divorce me. What is your real reason?" Cause I guarantee you there is one. From what I have read here, and at other sources (in contradiction to my old understanding), crossdressing is NOT a valid reason for divorce.

Stand your ground, but also. STOP HIDING. THIS is probably the reason she is behaving in this stupid manner.


Understand this. I AM SICK AND TIRED of reading about this kind of stuff. There are far far far worse things a husband can do in a relationship, and I see and hear marriages that have all those things, and yet crossdressing is such a HORRIBLE thing to have in a relationship. I see women stay with men that beat them, cheat on them, steal from them, and so on and so forth. Yet hear I keep reading of wives acting like the OP's wife, and that seems to be perfectly OK, and that the woman is correct in her actions.

THIS is BS. Pure and simple.

[TGMarla]

I agree with Pythos on many of the comments (s)he made. Crossdressing is a really poor reason to deep-six a perfectly good marriage. However, this may indeed be her primary beef with you. Sure, there are probably other things that bother her, but all relationships have those. Someone once said to me, "if both of you were exactly alike, one of you wouldn't be necessary."

I'd suggest you write her a letter and spill your guts. She might not want to read it, but she'll read it anyway. I told my wife about my crossdressing this way, and the letter wound up in the shredder. We have not spoken ten sentences about it since then, but she did say that she understood why I kept it from her. Our relationship is quite good now, and the crossdressing is not much of an issue. I think in the long run, she appreciated that I let her know everything. And God knows I'd not have been able to articulate it all in a way that said what I needed to say the way I wanted to say it if I'd done this by sitting down with her and trying to do this in a conversation. But by writing it all down, I could say it all the way I needed to say it, not omit anything, and I could go back and read it myself and correct anything I didn't think was right.

[eluuzion]

When communication stops, everybody becomes lost and everybody loses... because both partners are at the mercy of their runaway thoughts.

Certainly a crisis circumstance, but not hopeless. The only approach that creates a hopeless scenario is “giving up”. If that were the case for her, she would likely have physically left departed by now. It does not sound like that is the case, so that suggests she sees something still worth hanging onto.

One option is to seek some professional guidance. (on your own, if necessary) You might think about time being of the essence here too. A crisis such as this has a tendency to take on a “life of its own” quickly...now is the time to move toward what you want, not run away from it...

just a thought...

good luck...:hugs:

:love:

[Sandra]

Sonna

I am sorry that this has happened, all I can say is try to open the communication, and like Kim has said don't start with cding. Tell her how you are feeling about her and suggest that you try and work things out.

[Pythos]

I to am I AM SICK AND TIRED of you all the time having a dig at the GGs here.

Nice one.

So can you tell me how this GGs actions (throwing out personal belongings, CUTTING OFF COMUNICATIONS), is anywhere near rational?

and I am not having a "dig" at GGs here. I am having a "dig" at these stupid irational behaviors people seem to take when it comes to crossdressing. I am having a "dig" at society being perfectly ok with some really rotten behavior but treating what we do like it is some major sin.

Both males and female are doing these stupid behaviors, both are guilty. It is just in our little comunity here it is unfortunately very very one sided.

[Samanthascloset]

Well I couldnt have said it better Pythos! :drink: PS..Id jump for joy if my wife quit talking to me! :heehee:

[Sandra]

So can you tell me how this GGs actions (throwing out personal belongings, CUTTING OFF COMUNICATIONS), is anywhere near rational?

I never said anything about that, and I do agree what she did is not a good thing.




and I am not having a "dig" at GGs here.

Really I think what you said is very clear that it's the GGs here that you are having a dig at.

[Gillian Gigs]

I agree that the communication lines need to be opened. Do not, and I agree with others, do not open it with CDing. You have to get to the bottom of the other issues first. I, personally say do not write a letter, this letter could be used against you in divorce court if things continue to fall apart. I used to get moody if I had not been dressing in awhile, and my SO noticed the moodiness. After coming out, in which she was accepting, she understood the moody behavior as not being about her, but my desires to dress wishing to be filled. Moods and a lack of communication can leave the wrong ideas in someones head, even her understanding of what a CD'er is can mess things up. If you want to save this marriage, then you may have some compromising to make, but so does she. Yes, I agree with some of the others that no one has the right to throw away someones clothing, but communication, to open doors, is not the time to enforce those rights. Save that one for later, much later. You need to share feelings of love and reassurance first and formost, then listen to what she has to say, and let her say it without interrupting her. It may be a long, long talk, but this is the price you must pay to save something that you seem to want to save.

[wanagione]

My wife did not talk to me for about a week it was scary. I kept on trying but she wouldn't budge. She finily said that she needed time to think what was happing before she could talk to me. That was 6 years ago. Last year she came to the Keystone Conference Dinner /dance. They may be hope. Once she starts talking don't stop. I agree also that cding is a poor excuse to end a marrage. Most of the time there are other reasons.

[docrobbysherry]

Sounds like a good situation, Sonna. If it wasn't for the dressing issue!

My ex never stopped talking! STILL WON'T and we've been divorced for 10 years! If she'd given me the "silent treatment" occasionally, maybe I could have continued living with her!

[Stephenie S]

Easy does it guys.

There are two issues here. The lie, "I'll never do it again." And then the crossdressing which I know she is upset about. She told you the first time, "If you ever do this again, I'll divorce you."

Now she has compounded the issue by throwing out all your things. A bad move, for sure, but it's understandable from someone desperate to hold on to her marriage and terrified that it's all over.

Look guys, many, many, woman don't appreciate crossdressing. Is that so difficult a concept to get your head around? You all know this. Why else would so many of you be hiding this from your families? Of course. You're afraid of the consequences.

I know that for me, a lying, crossdressing, spouse would be a deal breaker. Would I throw out his clothes? Probably not. But I might be tempted. IMHO the actions of the OP's spouse, while not blameless in this situation, are understandable. Don't be so quick to blame her.

This is a classic example of why you should not hide crossdressing from your wife. The time for counseling and heart to heart communication was back the first time. But what the OP did was to ignore his wife's point of view, continue the behavior, and then to lie about it. What can you expect?

TALK to your spouse. Make VERY certain that she knows that no matter what, you are her MAN, and that you love her and want to stay married. If necessary, lay down some guidelines, and then for goodness sake STICK to them.

OK, I'll climb down off my soapbox now. Good luck with this. Couples counseling? It might save your marriage. I dunno. You made a proper mess of it this time.

Stephie

[Leelou]

Thanks for the post, Stephanie. No need to climb off the soap box, I agree with your post. For CD's the ideas of someone throwing out our clothes, threatening divorce, and shutting down are certainly emotional hot-buttons and that's why there were some spirited responses against the wife in this situation.

But of course you're right, the OP's lies and deceit set that all up. I wish them the best and hope they can save the marriage and there has been some good advice on the first steps. I'd probably say counseling would be my best advice.

[sissystephanie]

I am probably going to get really flamed for this, but I feel it needs saying. Which is more important to you, your crossdressing or your wife? From the tone of your OP, it would seem that the crossdressing is more important!! To set the record straight, IT IS POSSIBLE TO STOP CROSSDRESSING IF YOU REALLY WANT TO!!! It takes willpower, but it can be done. I personally did it for 5 years, and only started again because my late wife begged me to!!

Having said that, what is really important is the fact that you kept your crossdressing a secret for some time!! The time to tell your wife is BEFORE you marry her!! Give her the opportunity to decide if she wants to live with a man who wears feminine clothing!! And of course, the other part of that is whether you want to transition! My late wife knew that I was a CD when we married, and also knew that I never had any intention of becoming a woman. I was born a man, fathered 2 wonderful children and am very proud of all that!! Yes, I do like to wear feminine clothing, but if those I love want me to stop I will!! Because their love means more to me than wearing pretty lacy clothes!!

I am not at all sure that you can ever get your marriage back on track, but if you really love her you need to start working on doing just that!! Let her know in every way that you can that you do love her, and that you do want to be her MAN!! As others have said, counseling would probably be a good place to start. But be sure that the counselor knows that you are a crossdresser before you make an apparence. Not all marriage counselors handle gender items properly!!

The best of luck to both of you!!

[kellycan27]

I don't care what anyone does as long as long as it doesn't involve children, small animals..... or me. I have never made a secret of the fact that I don't get cross dressers. I don't get why a man who has no intention of becoming a woman desires to dress in female attire up to and including, wigs and make up and fake breasts. Be that as it may, I don't have a problem with it, and I support their right to do it... just not in my house. I will will now tell you why...... Quite simply, I don't find it an attractive or desirable trait and it does not fit into my notion ( preconceived or not) of what men are supposed to be. Had I been given a choice in the beginning I have no doubt that I would have respectfully declined to get involved with someone who cross dresses. I have heard a lot of people say.. Well i am still the same guy she married, I am no different than I was when she married me.. well that may be be true especially if they were cross dressers before they were married. They might be the same guy, but not the guy that they represented in the beginning. What's the problem? I don't want to be a woman, I just like the clothes. Really? Ok, maybe you don't want to be a woman, you just want to act like one? I grew up in Las Vegas Nevada, and have had the opportunity to witness a few TG events one of which is called "Diva's". I can tell you for a fact that when a group of cder's get together it's a total girl fest! After witnessing this type of behavior time after time I have to be honest when I say that it gives me the feeling that there is a lot more to it than just liking the clothes. These guys act more like girls than... girls! You kept your dressing hidden from me because you were "scared" of what my reaction might be? How am I to know that you still aren't lying to me about the other aspects of what you do? Curiouser and curiouser. Ok.. i don't understand, and I am not being fair.. If I love you I should compromise. Oh wait.. I should compromise ...AFTER THE FACT! You didn't compromise with me in the beginning, You didn't give me a choice.. Now you want to force it down my throat under the guise of compromise. Good luck with that! You can rationalize your conduct til the cows come home and you can say.. Well I can't help the way I am.. maybe not, but on the same token....... I can't help the way I am, and I for one am not having it!. Rock on Barbara!
Kel

[GaleWarning]

Youare facing a simple choice here, Sonna ... CDing or your marriage.

It's up to you ... stop dressing (at least until the kids are grown) or split up.

Your wife aint gonna come around any time soon.

[kristinacd55]

It's very tough Sonna, but hang in there. Wife and I are going thru same things after 4 years of her finding out.......

[Pythos]

Wow kellycan,

I am amazed at your stance. Not in my backyard.


I don't have a problem with it, and I support their right to do it... just not in my house

I find this to be increadibly curious coming from someone that is transitioning or has fully transitioned. Once again a grand example of someone from one minority, showing near intolerance for another minority.

The whole children and animals thing I also found offensive. So you are all for people keeping secrets from their kids... and animals?


If I love you I should compromise. Oh wait.. I should compromise ...AFTER THE FACT! You didn't compromise with me in the beginning, You didn't give me a choice.. Now you want to force it down my throat under the guise of compromise.

I thought reading this you were a GG that had a husband reveal that he was a CD, but instead it is yourself that is the TG person.


I can't help the way I am, and I for one am not having it!

Just who is it you are saying this to?

[Tara D. Rose]

My friend, you are at a crossroads. That is a fact. I could go along with the flow of the other posters and give you advice on what to say to her. But I may not be an expert not have a degree on the reasons wives raise all this kind of freaking h***, upon finding their husbands crossdress. Now there are some, but very few happy marriages where the husband is a cd. It’s those wives that say upon finding out, that say, hey great I’m cool with it, show me your feminine side I love it . Thene there is a chance, but when wives act, behave, disclose all those words as you have said your wife has done, then you are at the crossroads, you cannot have both. I base this on what you said about your wife. This doesn’t apply to the GG administrator on here for she was cool with it before marriage. But this rule doesn’t apply to her but it does apply to you. When a wife pitches this kind of crazy fit from the start, then the marriage is doomed, UNLESS, you give up crossdressing for life, ,,or the duration of your marriage. Mark my words people. It is crossdressing, or her, you cannot have both. Some couples can, but a wife doing these things is proof, that she will never accept you as a cd. I’m sorry I give it to you straight. And I will probably pay the price for that for being so truthful to you. I don’t know which is more important to you, your wife or your crossdressing. So only you can decide. Some GG’s are an acception to the rule, but the majority are not.
Love & Respect...................Tara

[gerri ray]

WHat in the hell was her reasoning for this? I would be absolutely furious if ANYONE threw anything of mine out. She had absolutely no right to throw your belongings away, no matter how much she did not like it.

Stop folding. Gently pin her down and find out why it is she has these issues, why she is acting like this.

This is not a rough situation. IT IS ONE OF ABSOLUTE BS!!! When she threatened divorce you should have said "you know, that is a pretty piss poor reason to divorce me. What is your real reason?" Cause I guarantee you there is one. From what I have read here, and at other sources (in contradiction to my old understanding), crossdressing is NOT a valid reason for divorce.

Stand your ground, but also. STOP HIDING. THIS is probably the reason she is behaving in this stupid manner.


Understand this. I AM SICK AND TIRED of reading about this kind of stuff. There are far far far worse things a husband can do in a relationship, and I see and hear marriages that have all those things, and yet crossdressing is such a HORRIBLE thing to have in a relationship. I see women stay with men that beat them, cheat on them, steal from them, and so on and so forth. Yet hear I keep reading of wives acting like the OP's wife, and that seems to be perfectly OK, and that the woman is correct in her actions.

THIS is BS. Pure and simple.

I totally agree with Pythos. There is another underlying problem here and you're wife is using the crossdressing as the reason. Keep trying to communicate and find out why she is acting so badly.

[Maria 60]

WOW! It's not bad enough we have to go threw our childhood and teen years hiding our stuff and living like we are fugitives, and we finally start our adult lives and now we have to even get attitude. I think the first thing to do is get talking again and maybe tell her that you think the dressing may never go away and that you need her help to get though this. I know it sounds easy for me to tell you what to say, all i can do is give you a suggestion but at the end of the day you know your wife and we are all trying to get you threw this small speed pump. I hope i helped you somewhat and good luck with your relationship.

[kellycan27]

Pythos
Shocked huh? Well I suppose I should just roll over and go with the flow because this is a "support site". I have seen this same scenerio over and over on this board.. if you're not fully with us.. you are against us. My stance is how I feel about having a cross dressing partner, and yup I don't want anything to do with it.. it's not something that even remotely interests me. But.. As I said I do fully support their right to do it if they should desire. And from the number of threads that come up dealing with this subject I'd have to say that there seems to be a lot of people who feel as I do. Yes, and i am glad you brought up the fact that I am a transsexual, and as a transsexual I have learned that even as much as I act, look, and appear just like any other woman.. some people are not going to be on board with it. It's their personal choice and their right to feel that way.. for whatever reason, without being called transphobic, homophobic or what have you. Some cross dressers seem to think that their needs seem to trump a partners and if the partner puts up a protest they are quick to jump on them, and their fellow cder's follow suite.. gee what a surprise. You mentioned my support of a new crossdresser in another thread, and if you look, I have supported others as well. I am not intolerant of cder's, but I am intolerant of people who seem to think that they are the only ones that matter, and I am intolerant of people who attack other people who do not see things the same way they do.



I said.. I don't care what people do as long as it doesn'y involve ( harming) children or small animals.... nothing sinister there.
" i can't help the way I feel, and I am not having any of it" ... I feel a certian way and i can't help that... I want no part of cross dressing partners. It's a statement, not directed at any individual.

I am sorry if you don't feel that i am supportive, but i do try and support "both" side of a question.. not just the cder. You may want to shy away from my posts if they bother you because i am not shy or timid and i say what I feel without fearing what others may thing about it.

[Lucy_Bella]

A message to those in denial , you can not stop crossdressing. You should be honest ( from the start) when your spouse tells you to either stop or be divorce. Be honest and explain to your spouse that stopping is not an option, don't lie. Give your spouse other options like sloing down or keeping the dressing to yourself .

[Pythos]

I am sorry if you don't feel that i am supportive, but i do try and support "both" side of a question.. not just the cder. You may want to shy away from my posts if they bother you because i am not shy or timid and i say what I feel without fearing what others may thing about it.

YOu will find the same is true with me.


My stance is how I feel about having a cross dressing partner, and yup I don't want anything to do with it..


Wow. A member of a minority...being prejudiced against a member of another minority. That is just incredible.

[donnalee]

Ahem - Getting back to the original topic:
You feel it is patently unfair for your wife to demand that you give something up that you cannot and have proven that you cannot. You are correct.
She feels a sense of betrayal (which is the one thing you must NEVER do in a relationship) in that you promised to never do something and now you are doing it. She is correct.
You are both correct. THIS DOES NOT MATTER! People are not rational beings; they are rationalizing ones. What we have here is a failure to communicate. It is time to have a 3rd party intervene. Try to get your wife to agree to see someone; until you get a pathway to understanding each other's fears and concerns, there is no way out of the mire you 2 have dug for yourselves.

[ReineD]

Sonna, I have a slightly different approach.

I've looked at some of your past posts, and you do sound like a quiet, peaceful, sweet person. You did say in a post earlier that your wife would yell at you if she saw you wearing a bra.

I think that if any inroads are to be made with the CDing, first both people in the relationship need to be on equal footing. They must be equal partners who each have a right to their opinions, and a right to a peaceful resolution if the opinions differ, whether this is about how to spend money, or raise a child, or what type of car to buy, or where to go on vacation.

So, I think that you and your wife need some help in order to learn basic partnership skills, such as communicating effectively which includes speaking respectfully and knowing how to listen, knowing how to set appropriate boundaries, knowing how to negotiate and compromise.

How do you and your wife deal with other issues in your marriage? If she flies off the handle easily when things don't go her way, you may have got to the point of stifling your own voice in order to keep the peace and this is not fair to you, her, or your marriage. It perpetuates an unequal partnership.

There are books in self-help sections in the bookstores that can help you get started with restoring the balance of power in your marriage. They may not provide the ultimate solution right away, but they may help you see how you might change your approach with her in ways to help her see that you also have a voice in your marriage. There are also books that help couples deal with conflict resolution.

At this point I'd not focus so much on trying to get her to accept the CDing. I'd work on strengthening your marriage, your equality in the marriage. I'm not sure how you can get her on board with this. You might wish to let her know that you feel that things are unequal and you are unhappy. You might get her to be willing to work with you on this. You both might wish to start seeing a marital counselor. I don't know her, but she may have anger issues that she needs to work on and if this is the case, you might need to set your own boundaries and let her know that her method of dealing with conflict is unacceptable to you. You may even wish to see a therapist by yourself to help you learn how to do this. You both may have codependent issues (there are books about this too).

By the sounds of it, you marriage does needs work. So please think seriously about ways that you can strengthen it because it's not going to happen by itself. I know that you just can't stop the CDing, and I'm not sure what to suggest since I don't know your wife. Can you both agree to keep the CDing at a minimum while you both work on yourselves and the marriage? Maybe you can go to a TG support group occasionally, or maybe the two of you can negotiate a time during the week when you can express yourself while she is gone?

I gave you a lot of suggestions, and it will be up to you to pick and choose what you think might work best. Make a plan, and if it doesn't work, try a different plan. And please don't rule out using professionals at least for yourself, if she is not willing to go with you to a marital counselor.

Good luck!

Edit
I've just read your post again, and I've got to say that it's even harder to work with a spouse who has been lied to. I'm not wanting to beat up on you for this, but she probably has so many misconceptions about the CDing already that are made even worse if she feels you went behind her back. She is probably imagining all kinds of things. The mistake was in promising that you wouldn't do this again. So now, in addition to working on your marriage, you've got to let her know that part of the changes will be that you do not wish to lie and hide anymore, because you are tired of doing this. You've done it and you realize that it doesn't solve anything or make anything go away.

Anyway, after you've worked on improving couples skills for awhile, you might suggest that she join the site in order to find out more about the CDing and also there is a private support forum (FAB) just for the wives. The link is under my signature. If she does join, you might want to read a few threads with her so that you can explain what the CDing is for you. There are many threads here that are all about meeting men and CDing for sex, other threads where CDs (or perhaps they are TS) who say they want to be women full time, and you do want to let your wife know there is a wide variety of CDers and not everything she reads will apply to your situation.

You might read the sticky in this section "If We GGs Could Say Anything" to help you figure out why your wife is angry about the lying and also the other things that wives have a hard time understanding.

[kellycan27]

Pythos

it's been my experience that when people run out of valid points they often resort to personal attacks. I won't address your "prejudice" remark other than to say that I will let my reputation on these boards stand on it own merits, and that I will will stake my credibility here confidently up against yours any day. If you wish to to discuss this any further please do it in pm as we have already taken the OP way off track.
Sonna
My sincerest apologies for interrupting your OP and I hope with all of my heart that you and your wife will be able to work things out in the not too distant future.

Kelly

[Rianna Humble]

Hi Sonna, I think that those who have encouraged you to try to reopen communications have given you good advice as have those, like Reine, who advised you to work on balance in the rest of your marriage.

One suggestion that I haven't seen in this thread which you might like to try as a prelude to talking to her is to start giving her little demonstrations of how much you love her and why she originally fell in love with you.

That could be something as small as showing her extra consideration, or maybe a gift of something she likes but probably wouldn't buy for herself, or something else - you are best placed to know what might work here. If she wants to talk about why, you will have started up communications again, but please try to avoid linking the gift/considerate behaviour / whatever with the cross-dressing. The object is to show her you love her not to win an argument.

Yes, she is feeling both betrayed and lied to - especially since you said you didn't want to lie any more then when she asked you to stop cd'ing you went ahead and lied that you would give it up.

In different circumstances, I told someone who wanted me to get on well with another woman that it is much easier to betray trust than to re-establish it. It seems to me that your primary goals at the moment are to show your wife how much you love her, that she can trust you and that you want to be open with her.

[Stephenie S]

OMG, Rianna. This is so important and SUCH a good idea.

Listen to Rianna, Sonna. Try giving your wife a taste (no much more than a taste) of why she fell for you in the first place. Go on vacation and DON'T do what most CDers do. Don't insist on crossdressing while there. NO crossdressing, NO talk of it, NO girly nothing. Be her man and make sure she knows it.

Women can be amazingly accepting if we are not afraid. Your wife is terrified that her marriage is over and her life is ruined. Did you read that? Your wife is terrified that her whole life is falling apart. Show her that you love HER. Show her you are still her MAN. Are you holding up your responsibilities in the bedroom? Don't you ever, ever, ask her for sex while you are "dressed". That can be SUCH a turnoff for most women. She needs to know you are her man and will always be her man.

Set some boundaries. And then stick to them. Don't always try to "push the envelope".

And what to do about the lying? I dunno. That's why we learn early on that the first lie is the worst. Once you lie to someone it's extremely hard to get them to trust you again. Is it possible? I just don't know. Couples counseling could help, Maybe. It didn't help in my marriage, but I like to think it might in others.

But I think Rianna's advice is spot on. Put forth some REAL effort in wooing her again. What does she like? Flowers? Give her flowers. Jewelry? Give her jewelry. Help around the house? Do all the housework. Not just for a week. For ever. Worship her. And all the time, make certain she knows you are her MAN. That's what she's missing. Her man.

S

[t-girlxsophie]

My first wife had no tolerance of the fact I dressed,she found my stash a cpl of times and took scissors to them.Irrational,I suppose to a certain extent it was but I understood her frustrations and her anger at my deceiving her,I admit I handled things so badly,no where to turn to for advice didn't help (pre Internet) and as a result our life together was strained,but the Crossdressing alone wasn't the whole Issue,we did have other problems in our marriage but I think the fact that CDing was one of them magnified those problems.We did last 10 years as I went thru spells of not dressing and at those times I felt our other Issues weren't as divisive.I do therefore believe my Dishonesty (and stupidity?) in the main and also Communication Issues was the root of our problems,we never really talked things out,Partly due to her refusal to attend councelling for "my" problem (and no im not blaming her) and our marriage ended.

Sad that it took a failed marriage,But being honest upfront from that point onwards was the only way,that I wanted my future relationships to be based on,and luckily it was to be the best way,In my new marriage I have never lied or kept anything from my Wife
Sitting down and having a heart to heart encompassing ALL the Issues between you,Is the only way forward IMO,Hopefully each of you can put forward your views and clearing the air may help you both,I wish only the best for you both.

Sophie

[Nicole Erin]

"Poor is the man who's happiness depends on the consent of another person"
Who said that one?

Thing is, people get into these marriages and the spouse becomes a boss. In this life, the only people you truly owe anything to are your kids who are under 18. If a marriage ends, yes it sucks, but one gets over it. I have been thru it. Since the divorce, I have been able to go on living as I choose. I don't have to hold back because some "partner" is scared, embarrassed, angry, etc...
In marriage, you give up so much in return for so little. Sooner or later you want to live a life again. Ideally, your partner will be this approving, loving, good looking best friend. Reality has something different to say.

But over and over, a CD gets in trouble over wanting to dress a certain way. The GG's and TS often harp the CD about how bad they are, then along come a few certain ass-kissing CDs to agree with the GG's.

What many forget is the advantages and challenges each of us face in life. Maybe some TS cannot afford to "move to a big city, transition and live in peace".

Have you ever noticed that no one on here ever posts saying "I wish I were still married"?

The important thing is to figure out how you need to set up your life (within your resources) to live as you need to be happy. The opinions of other TS, GG's or anyone is not the issue. The issue is - how do you want to live and what are you willing to give up to live this way? What is your freedom worth?

[tommi]

In my case my wife feels threatened and I understand
I have to agree with others in it is a tough situation and if
She didn't know going in( mine did not) then it's not something
to be surprised when there upset when they find out .
Mine goes off at me about it even though I buried my other self
It's not easy and sometimes it is just the final straw.
My wife and I have been dealing with my issues for over 15
Years she will not talk a about it and wants nothing to do with
It.
She will have to decide if she can accept you and she may not ,
good luck and as much as I hate to say it what ever happens
It will be for the best in the long run good l wish you the best

[ReineD]

I have been able to go on living as I choose. I don't have to hold back because some "partner" is scared, embarrassed, angry, etc...
In marriage, you give up so much in return for so little. Sooner or later you want to live a life again. Ideally, your partner will be this approving, loving, good looking best friend. Reality has something different to say.



But over and over, a CD gets in trouble over wanting to dress a certain way. The GG's and TS often harp the CD about how bad they are, then along come a few certain ass-kissing CDs to agree with the GG's.

Erin, you know I like you, but I don't think you're being fair. I remember when you and your wife split up and you were heartbroken. You wrote a lot of posts then, coming from your heart, and you said that your wife didn't have an issue with the clothes. You said that looking back, you wish you had included her more in your life. You said that you had just forged ahead, so lost in being a girl that you ignored her. You also said that you and your wife had stopped being intimate years ago. She and you split up because there was no marriage left, not because you crossdressed.

You can't compare your situation with Sonna's. How do you know they don't still love each other or feel connected, or they don't still have a good sex life? People get mad and they do stupid things. It doesn't mean they can't learn to work through better anger management tactics. Maybe they are young. And maybe Sonna doesn't want to transition like you did.


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I'm coming to realize just how dangerous this forum can be. People come in threads and are hell bent on demonizing the partner, without knowing everything that happened or all the other dynamics in their marriage. It's like, "my way or the highway". It's honestly causing a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and I'm seriously beginning to consider my participation here. :sad:

[Pythos]

I'm coming to realize just how dangerous this forum can be. People come in threads and are hell bent on demonizing the partner, without knowing everything that happened or all the other dynamics in their marriage. It's like, "my way or the highway". It's honestly causing a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and I'm seriously beginning to consider my participation here.

Welcome to wherre I have at times felt when posting my positions. To be accused of not realizing I am hearing only one side of the situation. To effectively be told that my opinion does not matter because I am not married (and most likely never will be). I dislike how my threads get completely misunderstood. For people to not see even though I thought I clearly said that I am not against the SO, or her fear, but instead the ACTIONS taken. If the male in a relationship were to react in such a manner, there would be all manner of hell for him to pay, IN MOST NOT ALL SITUATIONS.

However, if you were to leave, over this, that would tremendously suck. This became a much heated discussion, something this forum is meant for. Deep underlying topics.

WE can debate, and be adults, without one or the other running away "defeated". We get our points out, back up those points, and carry on. This is something we all need to remember.

[Rianna Humble]

I'm coming to realize just how dangerous this forum can be. People come in threads and are hell bent on demonizing the partner, without knowing everything that happened or all the other dynamics in their marriage. It's like, "my way or the highway". It's honestly causing a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and I'm seriously beginning to consider my participation here. :sad:

Reine, PLEASE don't leave!!!!

We desperately need your insight!

I can understand what you are saying, but there will always be a vocal minority who don't understand that there a are two sides to every story. Please don't let the minority drive you away!

[ReineD]

LOL. Thanks, I'm not saying I'm leaving. But I am thinking about taking a break. Maybe it's just regular, garden-variety forum burn-out. :p

I apologize to everyone, especially the OP for taking this off topic with my personal stuff. We can go back to the regular programming now ...

(And Rianna ... can you please go back and edit the color and size of the red words? I'm feeling a little embarrassed for having spilled into here, thanks.)

[donnalee]

I'm coming to realize just how dangerous this forum can be. People come in threads and are hell bent on demonizing the partner, without knowing everything that happened or all the other dynamics in their marriage. It's like, "my way or the highway". It's honestly causing a sick, sinking feeling in my stomach and I'm seriously beginning to consider my participation here. :sad:
I think people often post here when they are in pain, so I don't believe they are thinking straight; most of the time; they just need to vent. When the responders are coming from the same place, there can be nasty flame wars and other unhelpful manifestations.
Reine, please don't go anywhere. You have a cool head and have always given the best advice that I've seen on this forum. I know it often seems like wasted effort which is, of course, highly frustrating. but consider that most of us don't always act with the lack of restraint shown by small children. Some of us seldom do; a small minority always does. Sometimes, we just need a place to cool down.

[sissystephanie]

Nicole Erin, I lost my wife to cancer 6 years ago after almost 50 years of happy mariage. She knew that I was a CD when we married and fully supported me during our entire life together. I DO WISH I WAS STILL MARRIED!! She was, and still is, the best thing that ever happened to me in my life!!

That said, back to the original thread! I said this earlier, but will repeat it. Sonna has to show his wife that he is still the man she married!! I did that continually during the entire time my late wife and I were together. Wearing clothing that is the opposite sex should not have any effect on the relationship between a man and his wife!!

BTW, you can stop crossdressing, but only if you really want to!! Since it is a mental thing, you control it! If you really want to stop you can!! Unless of course, you are a true Transexual!! That only apples to a very small number of CD's!!

[Nicole Erin]

Well with a partnership, true it takes both to decide if they can handle things.
Many times they just cannot.
Steph's situation was different. that marriage ended involuntarily.