Who here hates hiding

[Pythos]

Thought I am open with my friends, I find myself hiding from family and work. Reason being I absolutely hate my mother's reactions to what I wear (if I wear anything unusual, even a loose belt around the waist, while wearing jeans she acts like I have broken some kind of rule and asks accusingly why I am doing it) and just don't want to deal with it.

I hide it from aviation and those in it, due to once again the irrational reaction some of that community would have. Many would not care really, I mean many certainly have skeletons to hide. How many have I see fly with different "lady friends" when I know damned well they are married? lol.

But if I ever could have a guarantee my life would not be ruined, I would so not hide anymore. It would be so nice.

[Karren H]

Actually..... i don't mind. It adds a layer of danger to my otherwise boring existence!! Lol but then again I've been doing it so long maybe I'm used to it?

[desa ray]

I totally agree. I get so frustrated that I just can't be me all the time. A lot of my friends know about Desa but I prefer to keep it from my children and certain friends because I fear losing them too much. The truth is that so many people have way more destructive secrets than wearing different cloths.

[Anne2345]

As I have written before, I am in the closet, and I quite enjoy my closet. Although technically I may be "hiding," I prefer to think that I simply choose not to share this part of myself with others, instead. My wife is wonderfully supportive of me, and I am very much content with her support. That said, there are certain things that I do hate "hiding" or not doing because of my circumstances. For instance, I hate not being able to shave my legs and body during the summer, or showing off my polished toes in public.


But if I ever could have a guarantee my life would not be ruined, I would so not hide anymore. It would be so nice.

Ah, what an incredible guarentee this would be! Oh but could we be assured of such a thing! Although I truly love and enjoy my closet, even with such a guarentee, I am not sure I would necessarily dress fully en femme in the outside world. Maybe I would, but it is impossible to say unless presented with the opportunity. I would absolutely keep my body smooth year round, my nails painted for all to see, get my ears pierced, let my hair grow out and have it styled, have my eyebrows arched, and wear heels, though. Hmmmm, the more I type about what I would do if I had such a guarentee, the more it seems like I would be willing to go full out! Considering the things I would do, I may as well continue on, huh? LOL!!! Ok, I retract my previous statement about being unsure as to whether I would go out fully dressed if I had such a guarentee . . . . :)

[Billie Jean]

I would like to be able to be me all the time and dress as I feel. Billie Jean

[Nigella]

You hide because you fear, your choice, plain and simple.

[Sweet Sabrina]

I would agree with I am not necessarily hiding as much as I choosing not to share certain aspects of myself. I choose not to share due to what would be potentially damaging to my children. Whether society as a whole accepts those who CD or who are gay or just different doesn't really matter. There will always be a certain percent that will be intolerant. That is who I choose to protect myself and my family from. If i was single, it might be a different story. Maybe I would be more open and choose to champion the cause of CD's everywhere That however is not my reality. I love dressing and being as feminine as possible as often as I can but I do it where it will not jeapordize myself or my family. In life we are constantly forced to make decisions that we might not like but that is part of life. What makes life interesting and fun is how we choose to deal with those choices. I would love to be more out and in the open but I am still just as happy in my own little world. Everybody knows me there. Thanks for the opportunity to share

[Amanda22]

I find myself hiding from family and work. Reason being I absolutely hate my mother's reactions to what I wear (if I wear anything unusual, even a loose belt around the waist, while wearing jeans she acts like I have broken some kind of rule and asks accusingly why I am doing it) and just don't want to deal with it.

I don't mean to sound glib, and I'm sure you've thought about it, but moving out and getting your own place would take care of the "family" half of the hiding. If your family came to your place you can wear anything you damned well please. Like the line from a song I'm listening to, "It's my house, and if you don't like it you can get the **** out!"

Not sure how to address the dressing at work thing, though. I think we all deal with that.

[VioletJourney]

:wave: I hate hiding. I'm trying to come all the way out before I have all kinds of obligations like work or romance that would force me to hide. I'd rather not dig myself into an inescapable hole.

[Nikki A.]

I don't like hiding, but as others have said I need to respect the repurcussions of my actions. I have come out to certain people, I do dress in public and risk being seen and have been mixing in more fem clothes in my drab attire.
I'm in a need to know mode and if asked directly I will probably tell them that I am a CD. Once my kids are on their own and probably will move away. If so then I'll be even more open since I will be close to retirement and I really won't give a damn what others think.

[5150 Girl]

While I'm 75% (or better) out, it does suck what tiny bit I do have to hide

[Duana]

You hide because you fear, your choice, plain and simple.

Nail, meet hammer.

There's only one reason why anyone can't keep their body smooth and toes painted... guts.

[sissystephanie]

You hide because you fear, your choice, plain and simple.

Nigella says it very plainly!! It is your fear and that is your choice!! Each one of us creates his/her own fears, and we have to live with that fact! Anyone of you can change a lot of your life if you will learn to disregard your fears, or else eliminate them!! Those fears are only there because you allow them to be!!

[kimdl93]

While I agree with the general concept that "hiding sucks", I guess I'm OK with compartmentalizing my life somewhat. I'm as open and accepted as can be by my wife...but part way out to my youngest stepdaughter(don't ask me to explain 1/2 out of the closet - I can't). But I keep this part of myself from my sons and eldest step daughter. To my sons from my first marriage, I present a fairly traditional male persona, and I think that's the way it has to be with them. They are adults and have dealt well with a lot of issues, including their dad being outed by their mother - but over the years, I've tried to be consistently the same person. I don't think they could really deal with the image of their dad having boobs, wearing heels, make up and a skirt.

I've also hidden this part of myself from business associates (mostly) One female associate gave me the nickname Marta a few years ago, because she thought I was like one of the girls. I took it as a compliment, and also as an indication that I wasn't as good at hiding as I thought! Overall, I guess I don't feel repressed by making choices the work with my life.

[christinek]

Yes hiding sucks. Like said above it is better to come out prior to getting into life to deep. Due to my awesome job I cannot come out. I am out to most of the people I know. My neighbors and such know. Society will change but it takes time.

[rachaelsloane]

Pythos,
In a perfect world I believe we would all go out and enjoy, but we do not, therefore, we are choose to hide for many reasons. At least we have this forum where we are not hiding and are accepted.
Rachael

[Anne2345]

There's only one reason why anyone can't keep their body smooth and toes painted... guts.

Hi Duana! Given the content of your response, it is quite apparent that you are responding to my post. Even if you are not, your response is oversimplified and naive, if this truly is what you believe. I do not know about you, but I have worked extremely hard to obtain the education, career, and wonderful family that I have. Should I risk throwing this all away in some misguided attempt to acquire "guts," simply so I can dress en femme in public? That would be an amazingly selfish and irresponsible act on my behalf, to so place my family in such a potentially harmful situation. "Guts" has nothing to do with it. Reality has everything to do with it. If you have the "guts" to be yourself wherever and whenever you want, more power to you! I am happy for you! But not all of us are so fortunate. Decisions have consequences. I am unwilling to risk the consequences, given how much I have on the line. Regardless, I am quite happy in my closet, thank you very much! So instead of claiming those such as I lack "guts," perhaps you would serve us all better if you took the time to think through your responses before posting such unwarranted, naive, blanket assertions.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Pythos,

I hide only from family and friends and I hate it. However, I'm past the age of caring who knows or cares about "anything" I do. Personally, I really don't need their approval and don't give a rats $$$. That being said, there is only with one exception to the aforementioned....my wife. She knows all about my feminine side, occasionally helps me shop and I dress freely around her but it is HER wishes that no one finds out. She is deathly afraid that she will be shunned or disowned by her friends or our family. We've been married for over 41 years and it's because of her wishes and needs that I remain anonymous to those closest to us. However, I am known virtually everywhere else. And outside of our microcosm I go everywhere and do everything en femme. I sometimes wish she could be a fly on my shoulder to see the way 99% of the people react.....she may change her mind.

Hugs,
Becky

[Badtranny]

I'm gonna swing in here in defense of my cross-dressing sisters. I don't think Pythos really falls into this category, but there is no reason why a part time cross dresser needs to "come out" to anyone outside of their inner circle. What would be the point?

I identify a lot more with Pythos because I think she is probably TS and at least a gender queer. During my transition, I dress pretty much like the average woman (cute jeans, cute tops) but without makeup, so I literally get ma'am'd and sir'd at different times throughout the day. I feel comfortable like this because I don't feel like a cross-dresser but it's still very obvious that I'm not Joe Dude. I don't really have a choice, I have to come out because I've chosen to transition and will eventually abandon my male identity completely. Pythos should probably consider "coming out" because she likes to dress cute everyday. Believe me Pythos, it's not as bad as you might think. In fact we live close and I would love to meet you sometime.

I can't hide because my lifestyle doesn't really allow it. Sure I pull the reigns back for work right now because I need to keep my job for one more year, but even today in a labor committee meeting I was wearing beige slacks with an olive colored T-shirt, under a blue & pink button down with the cutest little pink flower studs in my ears and a pink band holding my ponytail. Everybody knows I'm a fag and I will tell anyone who is not my boss (or his boss) that I am in the middle of transitioning. I love talking about it, and I'm really proud that I've spent the last year coming out and knowing what it feels like to be free for the first time in my life.

On the other hand, cross-dressing is NOT a lifestyle for most people. One of my good friends is a FtoM cross dresser and he only does it for parties and drag king shows etc. Why in the world would he come out professionally when there is absolutely no reason to? He's definitely a dude to me, but to everyone outside of the inner circle she's a beautiful (but stern) woman. That's how he likes it and that's how it is.

[Sweet Sabrina]

Nail, meet hammer.

There's only one reason why anyone can't keep their body smooth and toes painted... guts.


And what planet are you from? Or what color is the sky in your world? If tha was the only reason a lot more of us would be "out". I would have no problem getting fully dressed and going out as Sabrina. The problem I have is why should my son or daughter have to deal with the possible repercussions? When you get married or have children your choices cease to only impact you They impact your entire family. For you to say that it is only a matter of bravery is a complete and utter insult. Until you walk a mile in my shoes keep your foolish and idiotic opinion in your mouth.

[Gillian Gigs]

So, who here hates to hide? Will coming out into the open, cost you something that you are not prepared to pay? I came to the of realization that it was better to come out to my SO rather than stay hidden. In my case the benefits far out weighed the cost, but what about others. I keep my habits to my SO and myself, why, there is nothing to be gained otherwise, and maybe something to lose. Some will pay the price for staying hidden, some will pay for coming into the open, we each for ourselves have to make our own choices. Fear may be a factor, but is the fear justified?

[Anna Bee]

I dont like the hiding part, at all. It was fun at first, but once you hit the point where you become emotionally ready to share it with the world and you realize that the world isn't ready for it... the hiding part is no longer part of the fun.

I was really bummed this morning that I had to put on my boy clothes to go to work today :(

[Debra Russell]

T'ant nobody's business but my own-----and I think if you think it's your business you best keep it to your self --- we all are sisters, hiding or not, here for support -- and yes hiding sucks !!!!! but so does taxes............Debra

[kristinacd55]

We have nothing to fear....but fear itself. Hmm...heard that somewhere b4. That fear is all between our ears and nowhere else!

[Sam1985]

I really wish everyone knew who i was and really wanted to be. My life would be so much easier.

[LilSissyStevie]

You assume that all CDs want to be socially accepted for how they dress. That just isn't true. I don't want to be recognized or acknowledged in public at all. I pass best as a male so I dress in a manner that attracts the least amount of attention. If I dressed in public the way I dress in private, I guarantee you I would draw attention and I doubt you would come to my defense. I don't feel like I'm hiding when I CD at home. I'm just minding my own business. I earned my purple hearts fighting the style and clothing police in the 60's so I don't have to do it anymore. I've moved on. I'll cheer from the sidelines if you want to take up the banner but there are more important priorities in my life today.

[Duana]

Hi Duana! Given the content of your response, it is quite apparent that you are responding to my post.


I wasn't really responding to your post in particular but YOU are the one that said you'd LOVE to show your smooth legs and painted toes in public. I also find it intersting that all I did was echo what a super moderator said yet you didn't address her, only me.



Even if you are not, your response is oversimplified and naive, if this truly is what you believe. I do not know about you, but I have worked extremely hard to obtain the education, career, and wonderful family that I have. Should I risk throwing this all away in some misguided attempt to acquire "guts," simply so I can dress en femme in public?


Your entire argument is built on the premise that you'd be "throwing it all away." I say your premise is false.



Regardless, I am quite happy in my closet, thank you very much! So instead of claiming those such as I lack "guts," perhaps you would serve us all better if you took the time to think through your responses before posting such unwarranted, naive, blanket assertions.

Stay in the closet, Anne. It's CDs like you that create and perpetuate the very situation you lament.

I just drove home from work in denim short shorts, shaved legs and pink toenails. I stopped for gas, a cold drink, went to the grocery store and went to check my mail after I got home. Every day, people become MORE aware of CDs because of me. What are YOU doing for us?

[SweetIonis]

I don't know if hiding is the word that I would use. I think it's impractical to let everyone know everything about you. Perhaps if I were a saint and could survive penniless with no clothes or food, that would be practical, but for me, it's not. Therefore I prefer the words "selective disclosure". The fact is, people tend to be corrupt, deceitful, envious, cruel, angry, and vindictive. As such, you just can't reveal everything to everyone.


I do not know about you, but I have worked extremely hard to obtain the education, career, and wonderful family that I have. Should I risk throwing this all away in some misguided attempt to acquire "guts," simply so I can dress en femme in public?

I feel u big time on that Anne. I too have worked way too hard just to see it go down the drain.

[Barbara Dugan]

I hate hidding and I hate myself when I have to lie about it

[Joann Smith]

I hate hidding from anyone so because i suck at it ....the only reason i attempt to keep things on the low is because my wife says she is not ready yet ....so i am trying to be paient ...


Joann

[Angela2me]

I dream of the day a guy can wear a dress or skirt the same as a girl can wear slacks or shorts today. When what you wear is not defined by your gender and gender is not assumed by what you wear.
I would be happy to get up tomorrow and put on my hi-viz shirt with a comfortable skirt for work.
I would like to walk into a department store and not find 'dresses' in the 'ladies wear' department.

For now, I will keep dreaming and dressing in my own private world.

[TGMarla]

But if I ever could have a guarantee my life would not be ruined, I would so not hide anymore. It would be so nice.

I don't think any of us would argue that point. However, despite some of the statements made here, for many of us, revealing this part of ourselves to everyone else would seriously alter our lives and the way we live them.


Lol but then again I've been doing it so long maybe I'm used to it?

I concur. Same here.


Stay in the closet, Anne. It's CDs like you that create and perpetuate the very situation you lament.

Duana, I understand where you're coming from, and you are correct that most often, when we do get out in public, we find that we were all worried about nothing. However, your responses have been over-simplistic and prone to ignoring the fact that what works for you might not work well for everybody else. One member already mentioned that she keeps it to the home out of deference to her wife. That's called "respect", and for a marriage to work, it must have this key ingredient. Some of us simply prefer to keep this activity of ours private. Others might well get ostracized should this little secret leak out to co-workers or friends and relatives. Everyone's situation is unique and different. Statements like yours seem to blame closeted CDers for the stereotypes we all experience in our daily lives. But no one person is to blame for such stereotypes, and such things are not perpetuated by those who choose not to be public in their actions. Rather, it is most often the actions of a few extreme public examples that enforce such beliefs by an uneducated population.

I do not enjoy hiding. But neither do I want to bring this part of my life out to my friends, neighbors, and business clients. Like Anne, I have way too much to lose. This does not keep me from going out from time to time, but I'm not out having beers with my usual circle of friends during those outings. Those who would suggest that friends who would react negatively to such a revelation are not real friends are completely wrong and expressing a very narrow-minded colloquialism. I like the relationships I have with my friends right now just fine, and I choose not to change those by complicating them with crossdressing. Not one of them has ever come out to me with such a revelation either. So what does that say about them? Statistically, one of them probably crossdresses.

I fully support any crossdressers who choose to stay within the confines of their homes. I also fully support those who venture forth in the world and show the public that we are people just like anyone else. But I do not support those who would crack on others, simply because they choose to stay private, and blame them for the negative stereotypes we experience in the world.

[ReineD]

It's a given that although most people in our society don't give a second thought to the man on the street who presents as a woman, unless perhaps telling an interesting story at the dinner table that night, many such people do have quite different attitudes when it comes to family members, maybe close friends, and certainly employees. Kudos to the CDers who don't have family members or young children or employers to worry about or whose families are supportive, and who feel they don't have anything to lose by going out in public. :)

It is also a given that although a TS suffers similar bias, once she comes out permanently people have no choice but to either accept her, or reject her and move on. She doesn't have to deal with the question of a fluctuating gender, in other words, she has made her permanent choice and goes on with her life once all the nay-sayers have been shaken out of it.

That said, I think the desire to hide is directly proportional to the degree of gender dysphoria that a TG experiences. (see note below).


In other words, a CD who is happy switching back and forth, who is otherwise not unhappy in male mode, will not resent keeping the dressing private from certain family members, friends, and coworkers, even though he needs to dress on a regular basis. He will find a way to balance it all.


Whereas a CD who suffers gender dysphoria to a greater degree, and who perhaps questions whether or not he is really a CD, will resent the hiding more, as will all the people who say they would live full time in a flash if they could but who may not not consider themselves to be TS. I don't know what to make of those who just wish to present in a feminine manner all the time and who don't think of themselves as suffering gender dysphoria. Perhaps they like to use a language all their own.


And of course TSs who do suffer full gender dysphoria simply reach a point where they can no longer present in guy mode, period.


And then, there are others who identify as male, whose manner of dress is goth, androgynous, or other, but not necessarily full-on femme all the time, who live in conservative circles and who do feel frustrated by trying to maintain a happy balance with their unconventional selves and their conventional surroundings.


-------------------------------

This is the best definition of gender dysphoria I've seen, that takes it out of the DSM "mental illness" debate. The author is Anne Vitale Ph.D., author of "The Gendered Self", who transitioned in 1980.

Quote comes from: http://www.avitale.com/FAQ.htm#category%202 question 5.

5. Are there many levels of gender variance or is it just something that you have or don't have?

Gender Identity varies from having an unquestionable sense of being male to an equally unquestionable sense of being female. Because gender identity is hormonally set, subject to variability before birth, most people fall appropriately closer to one end of the spectrum then to the other. However, pre-natal hormone availability is subject to extraneous influences, creating a gender identity continuum with some people falling somewhere in between the male/female binary. It is only when a person's location on the continuum crosses over the line into the other side from which they were assigned at birth, do we have the beginnings of gender dysphoria. The further from the middle, the more intense the dysphoria, and the more likely he or she will only find relief by transitioning.

[Pythos]

I am amazed how when I post such a Question it is imediately taken that I am relating to myself. I am just asking a straight forward question. I was curious how people here felt when it came to hiding.

That being said, I love how this came about


Whereas a CD who suffers gender dysphoria to a greater degree, and who perhaps questions whether or not he is really a CD, will resent the hiding more, as will all the people who say they would live full time in a flash if they could but who may not not consider themselves to be TS. I don't know what to make of those who just wish to present in a feminine manner all the time and who don't think of themselves as suffering gender dysphoria. Perhaps they like to use a language all their own.


This doesn't work. At least for me. Why? Well the whole proportional thing. So the more I dislike being made to wear clothing styles I don't like, the more gender dysphoric I am? Really? So if women were suddenly MADE to wear nothing but skirts...no more pants, and some really really resented that, would they too be gender dysphoric?

Really, think about that.

I am not in anyway wanting to be female. I in no way want to have a sex change. Perhaps a long while ago I gave thought to it, but realized that would be caving into societie's narrow views on how people can express themselves.

Someone here suggested that I must be a TS. NO I AM NOT. Why would I deny that if it was true. Hell my life would be so much easier if a) I was attracted to men and b) I wanted to be female.

I just wanna be who I am, and I know there are people out there that feel much the same as myself.

[docrobbysherry]

I HATE the way I look dressed! So, WHY in the world would I want to impose my ugly old puss on OTHERS!?:Angry3:

On the other hand, I LOVE the way Sherry looks!:daydreaming:

But, if the general public isn't even ready for CDs, what would they think of her!?:eek:

Sherry and I LOVE our cozy closet!:D

[Jorja]

Will coming out into the open, cost you something that you are not prepared to pay? r ourselves have to make our own choices. Fear may be a factor, but is the fear justified?

Having been there and paid the price over and over for my decision, I think this part of Gillian's post sums it up completely

[ReineD]

Pythos, my post was a summary of the different scenarios that give rise to the feelings about hiding and as stated, the bullet points apply to the gender dysphoric people who responded in this thread. If you aren't gender dysphoric, you might better relate to the paragraph immediately under the bullet points.

[Badtranny]

Someone here suggested that I must be a TS. NO I AM NOT. Why would I deny that if it was true. Hell my life would be so much easier if a) I was attracted to men and b) I wanted to be female.
I just wanna be who I am, and I know there are people out there that feel much the same as myself.

Sorry Pythos, that was me, and I'm sorry for the mistake. I certainly didn't mean any offense, on the contrary I consider being called a TS to be positive if not a compliment. I guess I was basically just trying to say that I relate to you a bit.

Re: why would you deny it? Well, I don't know but I denied it for quite some time before I was finally forced to face it.

The bottom line is I understand the hiding for those that just like to get their freak on, but for "people" like you I think it's only a matter of time before you find your expression and lose your fear. Personally, I just want to be treated like a girl. ;-)

[Marissa]

***Quotes are modified***


Your entire argument is built on the premise that you'd be "throwing it all away." I say your premise is false.

Stay in the closet, Anne. It's CDs like you that create and perpetuate the very situation you lament.


Thank you for DIRECTING someone on what to do..and that ITS THEIR fault for what comes from it..WHO are you to decide what is best for another person???? What works for you, does not work for another. How self centered is that type of thought!!!!

She has a lot to lose if the world knows of her desires.. that is simply stated as her views/thoughts. So let her be the judge of that...not you.

And..dang..guess I"m one of those CDs that creates and perpetuates the very situation you lament :) Love how one who knows all..can decide.. should I bow now or wait for the strike of thunder..

I give you so much credit to live your life as you wish.. enjoy it..



I am amazed how when I post such a Question it is imediately taken that I am relating to myself. I am just asking a straight forward question. I was curious how people here felt when it came to hiding.

That being said, I love how this came about

How quick are those to think its ourselves that we speak of when we say "I have a friend..."..so you ask a question..without stating its not your beliefs, etc.. its not surprising that some will assume its you.. sorry for that..but lately you have thrown a lot of questions out to all..so this is just another one..

If for a friend or others, hope you find the anwers..if for you..again..the same.. good luck

[Pythos]

And then, there are others who identify as male, whose manner of dress is goth, androgynous, or other, but not necessarily full-on femme all the time, who live in conservative circles and who do feel frustrated by trying to maintain a happy balance with their unconventional selves and their conventional surroundings

*COMPLETE FOREHEAD SMACK*

I am so sorry RenieD, I completely missed that, very unusal for me. Yes, this fits me to a "T"!!!

Mmmmmm, crow is tasty this season.

Bad tranny,

It seems misunderstandings and eating crow are popular tonight. LOL.

[Duana]

That said, I think the desire to hide is directly proportional to the degree of gender dysphoria that a TG experiences. (see note below).


In other words, a CD who is happy switching back and forth, who is otherwise not unhappy in male mode, will not resent keeping the dressing private from certain family members, friends, and coworkers, even though he needs to dress on a regular basis. He will find a way to balance it all.

Whereas a CD who suffers gender dysphoria to a greater degree, and who perhaps questions whether or not he is really a CD, will resent the hiding more, as will all the people who say they would live full time in a flash if they could but who may not not consider themselves to be TS. I don't know what to make of those who just wish to present in a feminine manner all the time and who don't think of themselves as suffering gender dysphoria. Perhaps they like to use a language all their own.



Only speaking for myself, you are completely wrong. Never in my life have I had a single symptom of gender dysphoria, right up to the instant I'm typing this.

All those hiding in the closet, by their own admission, wish they didn't have to. They lack balls so perhaps THEY are the ones with gender dysphoria. All this nonsense about risking careers, families, etc is an excuse. And it also happens to be a fear, just like I said earlier. Fear of losing your job.

Guess what? I hold a decent job. I direct more than a dozen engineers in a company with more than 100 employees and I report directly to the president. Guess what else? If he saw me dressed, he'd probably laugh about it and move on. You know why? Because I'm freaking valuable to my company. They don't want to do without me, crossdresser or not. If you're worried about losing your precious career, maybe you should concentrate more on your job and less on your dressing.

Courage is not the lack of fear. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. That's what I did. 65-70% of you out there are too scared to take the first step and that's the truth. All this talk about jobs, family, friends etc is easily overcome by doing it in a different location. You don't have the guts. The first time I went out, my heart rate was hovering around 165 the whole time. I couldn't even drive. I stayed in panic mode the entire night. But I did it and that's more than most here can say. And I did it within weeks of starting to dress. The thought of dressing to the nines and prancing around the house for years is just pathetic.

Many of you would do well to study a thing called "comfort zones." Once a comfort zone is expanded it NEVER shrinks back to its original size. It can only grow. Every time you do a scary thing, it is less scary. But you have to man-up and do it the first time.

Something to think about...

Imagine if the 29,300 members of this forum all agreed to go out once a week and talk with at least 10 strangers about crossdressing. We would educate 293,000 people a week, 10 weeks = 3 million people and in a year over 15 million people would know more about crossdressers. It would be more accepted. We would suffer less ridicule. People would expand their OWN comfort zones.

But that's not going to happen until some people grow some sack.

[TGMarla]

Duana, your tag line says "Just trying to love and understand." But your words show distain and a lack of understanding.

[Duana]

FYI: Just got back from the grocery store. I wore skimpy little shorts showing ALL my epilated legs and my pink tonails, through the straps of my silver 3" sandals. I actually enjoy going to the grocery store now. Guess what happened? Nothing. I didn't lose my job. I didn't see a neighbor. Nobody made fun of me. My kids still love me.


Duana, your tag line says "Just trying to love and understand." But your words show distain and a lack of understanding.

Not from my point of view.

I "understand" closeted CDs are in the grips of fear, whether you do or not.

Case in point: Several have expressed concerns over the consequences with their jobs. That is fear.

I "love" you all, more than you love yourselves. I know you'd be happier if you got out of the closet. I want you all to be as happy as I am.

Case in point: One in this thread mentioned she'd LOVE to go out in public with shaved legs and painted toes therefore, she'd be happier if she were free to do so. (which she really is)

Now if you're saying I should understand the closeted position of fear, I do. I experienced it myself, as I clearly related above. The difference is, I didn't let it paralyze me and keep me less happy than I am now.

Do I sympathize with closeted CDs? No. They, as Nigella said, are in full control of their destiny. You get empathy but not sympathy.

[ReineD]

*COMPLETE FOREHEAD SMACK*

I am so sorry RenieD, I completely missed that, very unusal for me. Yes, this fits me to a "T"!!!

Mmmmmm, crow is tasty this season.

Bad tranny,

It seems misunderstandings and eating crow are popular tonight. LOL.

That's OK, Pythos. We can fight in one thread, and be friends in another. lol

[girlalex]

I hate hiding to. But like your self I'm hiding from my mom and co workers, yet with friends I'm more flexible yet not out completely. I know what you mean. I hate
hiding too. Sometimes it feels like I'm suffocating. It sucks and it got to change.

[chrismy]

hate to hide... spent 3 hours on hair the other morning just to be able to enjoy it for a couple of hours before having to wash it all out and away,,,, but hey .. if thats the worst thing happened to me that day ... i had it made in the shade sister.... :)

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

You hide because you fear, your choice, plain and simple.

I think that this quotation summarises it quite well:

"Argue for your limitations and sure enough, they're yours." - Richard Bach, "Illusions"


Nail, meet hammer.

There's only one reason why anyone can't keep their body smooth and toes painted... guts.

I wouldn't have used the word guts. I would have said fear. That fear might be completely irrational, or it might be constructed based upon perceived negatives, which themselves may be rational or irrational.

Why you'd bother painting your toe nails that are hidden in shoes rather than your fingernails, which are on display almost constantly, I don't know. I'm a CD and an engineer working in a male dominated industry. I go out en femme on average about once a week. This is how my fingernails look all of the time, with no negative comments from anybody:

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DLjegzCUH5s/TiuwZ51j1AI/AAAAAAAAAR0/Sk6wzx7SQzQ/s200/110723_hand_c.JPG (http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-DLjegzCUH5s/TiuwZ51j1AI/AAAAAAAAAR0/Sk6wzx7SQzQ/s1600/110723_hand_c.JPG)


I'm gonna swing in here in defense of my cross-dressing sisters. I don't think Pythos really falls into this category, but there is no reason why a part time cross dresser needs to "come out" to anyone outside of their inner circle. What would be the point?

As a CD, I disagree. I find it very liberating to be out to people. Hiding means continuing to accept being stigmatised. What would be the point of hiding unnecessarily?


Kudos to the CDers who don't have family members or young children or employers to worry about or whose families are supportive, and who feel they don't have anything to lose by going out in public. :)

As a married CD with a supportive wife and an 8yo son, I used to hide my CDing from most people around me for fear of negative impacts upon my wife and son. Over time, it became more and more obvious that my fear was irrational, so I stopped hiding. Having my nails long and painted was part of that. I believe that the majority (but not all) of the fear that other CDs express about being out is also irrational.

I believe that in western countries, at least 50% of CDs who actually want to go out, or actively do go out, could be completely open about who they are and what they do with negligible negative consequences. Most won't believe it, but I believe that I'm being extremely conservative by saying 50%. I believe that the number could actually be over 98% depending upon the threshold used to define "negligible".

[Jenniferathome]

Duana, more power to you! You are the MLK of cross dressers. If you really want to attract others to join your cause, you might try a more positive approach. As the old adage goes, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Of course you can catch the most flies with dead squirrels but that's not too important here. Best of luck.

[ReineD]

Only speaking for myself, you are completely wrong. Never in my life have I had a single symptom of gender dysphoria, right up to the instant I'm typing this.

Duana, did you read the first paragraph in my analysis? The one that says, "Kudos to all the CDers who don't feel they have anything to lose?" This is obviously your situation and truly, I am glad for you. It is also my SO's situation. She goes out frequently alone and with me. And you both fit somewhere in the first category, the CDers who have no (or little) gender dysphoria and who are happy switching back and forth. The CDers who find ways to balance it all. I'm assuming you are balancing something, else you'd be full time?

And did you also read Dr. Vitale's assessment of sliding scale gender identity, that places men who do like to present as women as being somewhere in the middle between "unquestionably male" and "unquestionably female", since I'm assuming that something drives the desire to present as a woman (with breast forms, makeup and wig) other than just liking the clothes? (Else why the forms, wigs, and makeup?) :p

Now, if you consistently never present as a full-on woman and you go out dressed as a guy who is wearing a skirt and not attempting to present as a woman, then you fall in the paragraph under the bullet points, the one that describes people who have no gender dysphoria but who have unconventional tastes in clothing.

My one big issue with your points though, is that you put down others who haven't constructed their lives like you have, or who don't live in the same social milieu as you do, who have different families including children than you do. It's the height of arrogance, I think, to believe that what works for you should also work for everyone else.

[t-girlxsophie]

If there was a guarantee that friends and family that don't know (or approve) of my dressing would magically come round,then I would be out there loud and proud.But that Utopia don't exist sadly,Im out to those that I feel comfortable sharing this part of me with (its actually got much larger through the years),But I have too much to lose if certain ppl I care deeply about found out.eg when my son found out we never spoke in 4 month,almost lost him (and im not being melodramatic )

And to those who say your not helping the cause,"Walk a mile in my shoes" because how the hell can you judge anyone that in most cases you havent a scoobys about,bar their name on a computer screen.Lets all have "balls" and to hell with the consequences,what a &*%$£ idiotic notion.Insults and name calling say more about the ones hurling them,than it does the ones that the Insults are aimed at

Sophie

[Loni]

it would be great to just be my self. but for work i would have to quit if "found out there" very macho world.
not sure about some friends, i would say maybe...but they would just find ways to be "busy".
not many friends so if i did loose them it would be just so little, it would be workable.
but were i live..not so sure as i live in a small community, and very conservative. not so sure if they would like a alt/different life style living next door.but even then i only see them once a month anyhow (working hrs).
no wife or so.
but i would not say i am truly in a closet, i do get out to some socials (pending work), and i was even in a parade this year seen by many thousands maybe even on tv. yes in a dress. and i do some yard work in-fem.

Loni

[PretzelGirl]

All those hiding in the closet, by their own admission, wish they didn't have to.


I "understand" closeted CDs are in the grips of fear, whether you do or not.

I know you'd be happier if you got out of the closet. I want you all to be as happy as I am.

The very first line is your jumping point to the rest of your thoughts and it is patently wrong. There are many people here that have stated that they have **zero** desire to go out. If they are happy with their situation, then the remainder of your assumptions (not understandings) are then incorrect.

Duana, it is good to know that everyone here is different. You just can't wrap everyone up in one nice little package and say "X" applies to everyone. What we do need to do is listen to each other and through that listening, understand what is going on in each other's life. That listening is the only way we can give support (and saying someone doesn't have balls, sack, or whatever hardly qualifies as support; sorry).

Sue (a person who does get out often but believes she understands the ones who don't)

[LilSissyStevie]

That said, I think the desire to hide is directly proportional to the degree of gender dysphoria that a TG experiences.

I think you're WWWWAAAAAYYYY off base here. If you wander off the crossdresser forum reservation sometimes, you might discover that there are other outlets for gender dysphoria besides crossdressing. There are many people, for example, that consider themselves TS but never crossdress and won't consider transition. There are people that crossdress all the time but feel no real gender dysphoria. Really, for any level of gender dysphoria, your desire to present publically as the "other" gender is only proportional to the importance you place on how others see you.

[ReineD]

I think you're WWWWAAAAAYYYY off base here. If you wander off the crossdresser forum reservation sometimes, you might discover that there are other outlets for gender dysphoria besides crossdressing. There are many people, for example, that consider themselves TS but never crossdress and won't consider transition. There are people that crossdress all the time but feel no real gender dysphoria. Really, for any level of gender dysphoria, your desire to present publically as the "other" gender is only proportional to the importance you place on how others see you.

I'm speaking generally, not about the exceptions. If most TSs don't do anything to relieve their GID, that's news to me.

It's pretty simple, really. The greater the need to dress, the less willing that someone will be to hide. What do you think forces most CDers out of their closets? :D The need to be seen and the ability to stop caring what others think is all a part of it.

[anonymousinmaryland]

Yeah. I hate to get "undressed," too. And hiding my dirty undies. And drying my undies 'cause I don't put 'em in the dryer. Sometimes, this is a challenge.

[LilSissyStevie]

I'm speaking generally, not about the exceptions. If most TSs don't do anything to relieve their GID, that's news to me.

I didn't say that. I said that many don't crossdress or transition and there is no way to know who is the exception and who isn't. How many suffer silently for each that is out and about? There are other ways to relieve GID and not all of them are positive. Many find relief in writing, for instance, but some find relief in alcohol or heroin. Sometimes a bullet to the brain brings relief. But not everybody finds relief in crossdressing. For some the horror of being seen, even in their own mirror, as a man in a dress is worse than just being seen as a man.


It's pretty simple, really. The greater the need to dress, the less willing that someone will be to hide. What do you think forces most CDers out of their closets? :D The need to be seen and the ability to stop caring what others think is all a part of it.

The need to dress and be seen publicly are not the same thing as gender dysphoria and certainly not proportional.

[ReineD]

OK, LilSissyStevie, maybe you and I are talking about different things. What do you think gender dysphoria is, and why do you think that CDers who do present full on femme with breast forms, makeup, etc, and whose goal it is to blend among other women and be treated like one aren't gender dysphoric to some degree? I'm not talking about the people who do nothing more than wear cute sandals and nail polish, or who are happy going out looking like guys who wear femme skirts or jeans, or who just underdress, etc.

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts. :)

[Kaitlyn26]

I disagree that hiding is a fear based thing. Some of us are not in a situation where we can maintain a functional life and tell our employer/family. It's sad but it's true that coming out to family/work can often lead to a loss of those parts of your life in certain situations. I never told anyone at my job until I was sure that doing so wouldn't result in me being fired. My family found out on their own.

One thing you should consider Pythos, is that some of the things your mother has to say may come from an age appropriate perspective. I'm 26 and get comments from my boss occasionally telling me to dress more my age. I tend to think of "more my age" as BORING! But that's just me.

[Sandra]

I disagree that hiding is a fear based thing. I never told anyone at my job until I was sure that doing so wouldn't result in me being fired.


So what would you call that, if not a fear of losing your job?

[Duana]

My one big issue with your points though, is that you put down others who haven't constructed their lives like you have, or who don't live in the same social milieu as you do, who have different families including children than you do. It's the height of arrogance, I think, to believe that what works for you should also work for everyone else.

Reine,

What is perceived as a put down, is really a fact. Yes, I could say it less caustically and I'll try to do that. Guts, balls, sack etc are really just another way of saying "lack of courage". As a former copywriter, I prefer to use language which evokes visceral imagery; words which strike at the heart and generate emotion. It makes for a more interesting discussion. If my words upset, it is probably because the arrow has found its mark.

Ignoring facts does not make them any less true. The only point I'm really trying to make is, hiding behavior is fear-based. What gets me riled is when people post rationalizations claiming its not fear but something else. That is intellectually dishonest. I proved its fear-based. You know it is fear-based. They know its fear-based.

So quit trying to rationalize it and just say, "I'm scared to go out because I'm afraid of what might happen if (my boss, my neighbors, my clients, etc) know about me."

As I said in an earlier post, we're ALL afraid. I'm afraid too. But I admit it.

[Kaz]

Fear is an interesting concept isn't it? Some would hold that it is so black and white and others less so. I guess all the jews hiding from the Nazis in occupied Europe should have shown less fear and stood up for their rights? I am not even beginning to say that this is a direct comparison of sutuations, bit i do know that some CDs have been socially abused because they were open and honest and this site has had reports of open and violent physical abuse.

In general I have always held by the idea that we hate (and kill) what we fear. I do not fear being me as a person... I fear the consequences of other people's inadequacies, inability or refusal to accept who I am... These are things over which I may have some influence and there are movements to try and exercise this democratic freedom of ours, but there are others over which we do not stand a chance. If you do not believe this, I can tell with open honesty, it is because you haven't experienced it... yet.

The stronger willed of us like Nigella may wish to beat me up for even suggesting such a thing... but fear is fear... and real fear is terror. And I haven't met anyone yet who has experienced terror who is not fearful...

So... I wish?

[Kaitlyn26]

So what would you call that, if not a fear of losing your job?

Fear of not being able to feed yourself is very different than fear of being ridiculed. Those that claim cders hide out of fear are mostly claiming they're scared of the reactions of others, when in reality a lot of adult cding males hide because it would cost them their job and family. Which is what Pythos was getting at.

You probably have never had to deal with something that I've dubbed "man cage syndrome". You can't change because life won't let you (changing will mean not eating). You aren't happy to stay the same because your mind won't let you (you cringe at not being how you want to be). It can quickly digress into feeling like you're stuck in a cage. The only way to get rid of it, if you've truly got "it" is to rearrange your life slowly and then make the changes. Sacrifices have to be made.

I had to deal with this after a few of my close friends found a myspace I had years ago, before myspace was a mainstream site. I was about 17 and about to leave home. I was stuck living as a man and hiding from my employer, yet everyone that mattered to me already knew about it. Getting fired isn't always a "fear", it can be a reality to some. A sacrifice that they can't just shrug off.

[Nigella]

Kaz, sorry to disappoint you, but I agree with you :tongueout:

I did not come out when I really wanted to, not because I was afraid for myself, but for Sandra and my daughter and how my GID would affect them. As a family unit we worked on those fears and eventually overcame them.

My biggest gripe is not those who hide, by choice in the closet, it is there right, but those who hide in the closet but bemoan that society will not accept them. History shows that there are people like me who do not accept that we have to do things that society says we should. At the same time there are those who hide behind people like me and do nothing but wait for the coast to clear.

So no I do not blame anyone who wishes to keep this side of their lives hidden away, I fully support them, although some of my posts may not have been clear on this, I cannot and will not give my support to those who wish to ride on the back of others to gain their own freedom. It is in their hands, they must overcome their own fears.

[Kerigirl2009]

I hate the fact that I have to hide who I am from those that know me, but I don't have to hide from strangers. Why is this? we hide from the people that we most want to spend time with in a daily basis but can go out in public and be around people we don't know.

We should reverse this somehow.
As far as hiding from people at work, I tend to blend, I have worn eyeliner, mascara, (lightly applied but noticeable) Eyebrow pencil, I am shaved so I have smooth legs and arms I pluck my brows, I wear womens socks, (and my feet sweat less) although this is not the reason I choose to wear them. I paint my nails in a clear or pale color. I wore womens shorts to work actually today and I underdress all the time, So if they cant tell ( i dont know why)

Actually the only item of clothing that I wore that wasnt womens was my tshirt and my walking shoes

Oh and I wear small hoop earrings

I hate hiding so I put out as many hints so that if and when they find out they are not totally shocked, I should be residing somewhere in the back of their mind,
Hmmmm he is a nice guy but there is just something about him that seems off, but he is really a noce guy.

Keri

[ReineD]

Guts, balls, sack etc are really just another way of saying "lack of courage".

So quit trying to rationalize it and just say, "I'm scared to go out because I'm afraid of what might happen if (my boss, my neighbors, my clients, etc) know about me."

I'll add to this:

"I'm scared to go out because I don't want to get fired."
"I'm scared to go out because I don't want to be the brunt of gossip in the neighborhood and stop being invited to the block parties."
"I'm scared to go out because I don't want people to think I'm weird, and begin to feel uncomfortable around me."
"I'm scared to go out because I don't want my little girls' friends mothers to prevent their daughters from coming to my house because they think I'm a pervert."
"I'm scared to go out because my wife doesn't want to be the brunt of local gossip and also be excluded from the neighborhood ladies' get togethers."

Now. Replace the "scared to go out", with "I choose to not go out because the CDing is not THAT important to me that I choose IT above the other very real consequences in my life".

Like I said earlier, not everyone has the same degree of gender dysphoria that will make it a necessity to be who they are in public.

If I were TS and it was a choice of losing my sanity over losing other things, I'd choose my sanity.

... and yes, not every person will suffer all the losses. The world has pockets of acceptance. There are also many pockets of ignorance.

To all the people who say they hate to hide, they should gather their courage in their hands and go out and be themselves. It is a question of preserving their sanity.

But there are also many people who do not resent keeping it private, simply because the need to go out and be seen isn't as great.

[Emma England]

For those that don't understand what gender dysphoria is, please take a look at this link.

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Definition.aspx

Fear can be overcome.

I got over the fear of wearing skirts in public, because it was what I wanted to do. Same with wearing makeup (it is what I like, and is what a lot of women do).

Same with underdressing. A lot of members here always wear panties, as no one will know. A bra is different as it is more easily seen. The desire for me to wear a bra in public outweighs any potential negative comments. I wear a bra and panties because they are both standard women's underwear.

Reine, would you regard both transsexuals and crossdressers to fall within the gender dysphoria category?

Myself, I have no desire AT ALL to change my physical sex. I am happy as a male. It is just that I like to present as a woman.

[NicoleScott]

That said, I think the desire to hide is directly proportional to the degree of gender dysphoria that a TG experiences. (see note below).

In other words, a CD who is happy switching back and forth, who is otherwise not unhappy in male mode, will not resent keeping the dressing private from certain family members, friends, and coworkers, even though he needs to dress on a regular basis. He will find a way to balance it all.


Whereas a CD who suffers gender dysphoria to a greater degree, and who perhaps questions whether or not he is really a CD, will resent the hiding more, as will all the people who say they would live full time in a flash if they could but who may not not consider themselves to be TS. I don't know what to make of those who just wish to present in a feminine manner all the time and who don't think of themselves as suffering gender dysphoria. Perhaps they like to use a language all their own.


And of course TSs who do suffer full gender dysphoria simply reach a point where they can no longer present in guy mode, period.


Reine, wouldn't the desire to hide be INVERSELY (not directly) proportional to the degree of gender dysphoria?

[ReineD]

Nicole, to-may-to, to-mah-to. lol :hugs:

I'm taking the word "degree" to go either way, up or down. The greater the desire to be seen as a woman and treated like one, the greater the desire to come out of the closet. And vice versa.



http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Gender-dysphoria/Pages/Definition.aspx

Reine, would you regard both transsexuals and crossdressers to fall within the gender dysphoria category?

Emma the definition of gender dysphoria you provide in your link is not accurate. It assumes a sharp divide: ranssexuals have gender dysphoria, yet crossdressers don't, because they dress for fantasy or fetish reasons. If you read the comments at the bottom of this article, several people object to their definition and explain that gender ID is NOT binary. Professionals in the field also say the same thing.

I've also developed a sense through my participation in this forum there are CDs who do dress for deeper reasons than fantasy or fetish. They may see themselves as being a blend of both genders, with one or the other gender at the forefront on any given day. Maybe you could define this as an integrated CD. Anyway, this leads me to believe there is a sliding scale for gender dysphoria, just like anything else.

So in answer to your question, yes I do believe that some people who identify as CDs and who do not feel they are TS since they also embrace their male gender ID, can also experience a degree of gender dysphoria, especially if they dress to be seen and treated as women. It's all a question of motive, of course. Some such people might dress for a kick, but I'm guessing if the motive is strictly fantasy or fun yet there is little or no sexual component to it, there wouldn't be a such a deep need to present as a female?

[LilSissyStevie]

OK, LilSissyStevie, maybe you and I are talking about different things. What do you think gender dysphoria is, and why do you think that CDers who do present full on femme with breast forms, makeup, etc, and whose goal it is to blend among other women and be treated like one aren't gender dysphoric to some degree? I'm not talking about the people who do nothing more than wear cute sandals and nail polish, or who are happy going out looking like guys who wear femme skirts or jeans, or who just underdress, etc.

I'm interested in hearing your thoughts. :)

My point is that you simply cannot measure a persons gender dysphoria by the frequency of their crossdressing, the extent of it (use of prosthetics, etc.) or whether they crossdress at all. I agree that the more dysphoric a person is, the greater their tendency to act on it. But the action and the amount of action that someone takes is highly individual. It's just like any other kind of pain; some people act like they are going to die and take extreme measures at the slightest bit of discomfort and others can take a tremendous amount of pain before doing anything to relieve it. Some gender dysphorics crossdress, some live out a femme life through online role playing games, some join various online forums using a femme identity, some write fiction and live through their characters, some take HRT but don't crossdress, some do nothing but hurt, or some combination and so on. On the other hand, I read on these forums about people that dress frequently and have a full femme social life, yet claim to love being a guy just as much. So does the person living 24/7 as a female have more inate dysphoria that than someone else that daydreams about it but never takes any action? I don't know. I guess the short answer is, you can't judge a book by it's cover.

[Kathy4ever]

I hate hiding because I don't get to dress up that much. However I have been wearing everything fem for three weeks now. It's active wear and some how my wive has not gone off on me. My toemails have been painted a clear opal and the wife has told me twice to get it off. They are still painted. My lesbion neighbor was over saturday and she says you toenails are painted. My wive seemed more embarassed than me. The neighbor says nothing wrong with that as woman wear paints now don't they. I had my hoop earings in too. Yesterday I had my actice wear on and the neighbor says what you got on. My wive defends the top and all. My wive will go off on me but has been okay with this look. I kuv it because I can create cleavage and nothing is said. Go figure!!!! When I think she is starting to accept she will take 180 degree turn. It is so confusing.

[suchacutie]

It is obvious to all of us that in this forum we focus on our transgenderedness and all its consequences. There is no doubt that those consequences affect every aspect of our lives. The current topic of what I'll call "openness" is an interesting one in that it has such a narrow focus. Let me explain:

One of the hallmarks of a worldly/civilized individual is a quality called "discression". Discression requires an understanding of surroundings and situations, followed by actions taken within that understanding. If we have a colleague who is a real dork, it is likely that, to maintain a stable working relationship, it would be unlikely that we would speak about his/her less than civilized behaviour directly, but might choose to be "discrete". Likewise, if I would happen to enjoy "off-color" jokes, I might be "discrete" about when and to whom I tell them.

In view of the current discussion, some might equate discression to fear. I do not. Discression implies thoughtful action while fear implies a more irrational behaviour (knee-jerk reaction?). I'm never impressed with those idividuals who "wear their emotions on their sleeves"; few people are. I am impressed with those who assess their surroundings and make logical decisions about their actions.

The decisions we make about our transgenderd selves are important decisions, no doubt. However, they can be processed in the same way that we process any other important life decision. Do we need to like some of those decisions? No we don't.

So, my dear Pythos, in this light, maybe I can rephrase your question to be: "Who here finds themselves needing to make decisions about their transgenderedness that they wish they didn't have to make?"

The answer would be: everyone!

:)

tina

[Samantha B L]

I used to hide and now I am out of the closet due to a series of coincidences. I can understand a person being in the closet because they probably have others in their families or in their living circumstances or on their jobs who would really fry if they found out. Yet being out is actually less scary. So if there's a way to go about it without losing your job or getting kicked out of your house,you might find being out is more fun.