Do you not regret coming out of the closet?

[Nigella]

OK, now for the other side of the closet coin!!

PLEASE ONLY THOSE WHO HAVE COME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND DON'T REGRET IT REPLY

Why?

[ZosKiaCultusC7]

Well, it depends on what you mean by "coming out of the closet". Do you mean entirely or coming out to at least one person?

[Melody Moore]

Well... I think you can't claim to being out of the closet when you have only told one or two people.
Being out of the closet for me means there are no more secrets, every one knows me as the person
I am now... a female. And I don't think it's necessary to tell everyone about your previous life under
your assigned birth sex, not unless you are intending to get close to someone and there is a need for
such intimate honesty because a partner might expect to have kids for example, so they need to know.

For me coming out of the closet also meant transitioning & living full time as a female. So add
me to this list Nigella, coming out of the closet was the best move I ever made in my life :)

[Jenniferathome]

Coming out to my wife has been the best thing to happen in our relationship aside from my kids. I sleep better, we communicate better, sex is better and more frequent! I feel better, my blood pressure is lower and I enjoy dressing more because there is no guilt. I love seeing my dresses hanging in the closet next to my wife's and I love having an underwear drawer full of panties and bras. Zero downside. My life is simply better.

[Nigella]

To clarify a point, coming out means that at least one person knows about your TGism. You no longer hide this side of your life, keeping it to yourself.

Melody,
For me coming out of the closet also meant transitioning & living full time as a female., is this the reason why you don't regret it?

[Melody Moore]

Melody, , is this the reason why you don't regret it?
I would have to say yes to that, because there was no more lies, deceit or misunderstandings
about who I really am. And I don't regret it because now I finally get to be me & express myself
as the person I truly am & with that I have found real peace of mind through the freedom that
gives me so much more happiness - So why would I ever have any regret about transitioning?

[BRANDYJ]

I've been out of the closet to only those that mean something to me. Especially my past wives and my current SO. I have no regrets what so ever.

[Nigella]

Brandy, why no regrets?

[Danielle Gee]

I came out to my Wife many years ago and i have no regrets whatsoever!!

[Raychel]

I came out to my wife some time ago now. Several years, At first there was alot of resentment and bad feelings. The whole lieing story. The fact that so many years went by and I didn't tell her. She felt that was a lie. We all know that story.

But now some time has passed, My wife is aware that I like to dress and has grown to accept it vey well. Do I regret coming out to her, NO. My only regret is that I didn't do it way back when we first met. My life is ALOT better now and our relationship has grown tremendously.

[Nigella]

Danielle ... Why?

Peeps, please indicate why you do not regret coming out.

I think that this thread and Sandra's regret thread is one of the best ways to indicate the pros and cons of being in and out of the closet, without a battle and sides being taken, it gives a balanced view because we are not allowing comments to be made, just peoples own reasons for doing what they do.

The reasons for regretting show the reasons for staying in the closet, they are real problems that members have faced. The reasons for not regretting show the reasons why coming out of the closet show the real benefits of sharing this life.

They are non judgemental threads, that with careful moderation, blows the chaff away from the wheat to allow a unbaised pro and con picture. :)

[BRANDYJ]

Brandy, why no regrets?

Hi Nigella, The reason for not having no regrets is the fact that in all relationships it drew us closer. This includes the carefully selected friends I have told. I can be around all that know. That does not mean that all my friends have seen me dressed in their presents; Some have seen pictures however. But when we have nothing to hide and have their acceptance and understanding, it's just a great feeling.
The only person I told that I now regret telling is my 1 1/2 year older brother. he said he can't have this kind of thing ion his life. So he chose his over the top religious beliefs and brain washing, over his family. I have not seen him or talked to him in over 3 years and he lives within 12 miles. He was the only person I have told that my judgement was wrong about how they'd take it. All others I was right about how accepting, open and non-judgmental they's be. So no regrets other then my brother. I do miss him, but not his sadly misguided religious beliefs.

[Denise Shelly]

After 30 years in the closet comming out to my SO was the best thing iv ever done. Its Sunday morning and Im sitting here all dressed with out any concerns about being caught. I love it when life becomes simpler

[Roxann]

i'm so happy i findly i told my , it's been two years now, still have a lot talking to do with my wife but we are getting help, i still want to hide things and she don't trust me yet but getting better,but it can be very big load off your mine

[Nigella]

Denise I take that this
Im sitting here all dressed with out any concerns about being caught. I love it when life becomes simpler is the reason why you don't regret it?

[Cheryl T]

My spouse found out years ago, but the time wasn't right for us so back in the closet I went.
About 7 years ago I couldn't take it any longer and we talked and talked and talked. We joined Tri-Ess and met some wonderful people who helped my SO understand that we aren't "freaks", just people who are different. Now we go out all the time together, shopping, dining, movies, etc like any girl friends would do. I can dress about the house anytime I please and do so frequently. We are more open and honest then ever before and things are wonderful.
My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner. My self-loathing is gone, no more buy-purge-regret cycles and I have been able to accept myself as who I truly am.

[Maria 60]

I don't regret coming out to my SO because i feel very honest in our relationship and couldn't image going threw life totally hiding this, and i could have never got this far without her. She seen very early that this was a very big part of my life. I love to shop with her and i feel my strong fem side brings us closer.

[StephanieC]

I'm only out to two people so I'm not at all as brave as some on this forum; a girl at work and my hair stylist. Both know and have seen pictures but not eyeball-to-eyeball. The girl at work I've known for years and feel comfortable in her knowledge, though it does bring some risk. My hair stylist knowing makes it convenient during those frequent visits.

The fact that I have people with whom I can share this side of my life is amazingly therapeutic. It also gives me a sanity check. Talking to people by chat, email, or forum, is really great. But face-to-face adds realistic aspects that I feel are important.

-stephani

[Tina B.]

I'm only out to the wife, I came out to her 35 years ago, five years into the marriage. I don't regret it one bit, well maybe one little bit. It must change a way a women sees you, how could it not, but my wife was great about it the first day. We had a few ups and down trying to learn to live with it, but over all it went pretty easy for me. Why I have no real regrets, my feminine clothes hang in the closet in the master bedroom, my chest of drawers is filled with womens underwear, and nightgowns, no mens stuff in the master bedroom at all. I'm free to wear what I want when I want, at home. When I'm dressed I get treated as a women, not as a man, (don't get the wrong idea, we are just girlfriends, not lovers) When I'm in guy mode, I get treated like the alpha male I am. I get to live the best of both sides it seems. While she gets treated like royalty, out of appreciation,for the life she has allowed me to live, so I guess we both have made out alright on this arrangement.
Tina B.

[JamieG]

I would say that I'm only out to three people: my wife, her sister, and the LGBT director at work. I don't count the many TG people or their SOs that I've met in recent years. Although I regretted coming out to my wife at first (she was very angry and we had to work through a lot), I am now very glad that I did it. It's nice not to have to hide a big secret from her. She can tell when I'm starting to get stressed from not dressing and will give me some time to do my thing. She sometimes buys femme presents for me. She told her sister, but we hardly ever see her. Although I've never talked about it with my sister-in-law, my wife says she's totally cool with it. I came out to the LGBT director (a gay man) after finding out that he was very supportive of TG people and is very much of the mind that "you never out someone else". It can't hurt to have someone in my corner if my secret gets out at work. To date, I have had no negative repercussions from coming out, but I have come out very carefully. I think the biggest benefit in coming out is that in doing so you can hack away at your own internalized transphobia. If you tell someone, and they are okay with it, why should you feel bad about being TG?

[Wendy_Marie]

I created a list a short time back which I carried to therapy with me one day and by using it i realized just how many people I have revealed myself to...There were more than twenty and a good bit of them were family members.
Have I any regrets...Yes.Just one and that is that I didn't do it a long time ago.

I have received more acceptence than I ever believed was possible, especially from my daughters...they seem to be more open to the idea than many...perhaps it's because living with me for the last 20+ years they already ahd some idea that I had such yearnings?

[Jess Marie]

I've go absolutely no regret coming out to my friend, who is more like a cousin since we have been really good friends since we were like 5. For writing sake, we will call this friend L, as it is shorter than "my friend." I told L via email about my secret life and she was ever so accepting, and actually happy to find out. She has a cousin who is lesbian and they are really close, so I figured she would be more accepting than anyone else. Her initial reaction was this is a joke, but I clarified that there was no joke. She texts me everynight, "Hey Jess, hows it going? you get the dishes done? lol." I will sometimes respond back, "no honey, but will you take out the trash ;)" and we go back and forth like that for a few minutes. It is just really nice that she is so accepting and we can joke around. Down to the business, we have gone out in public, at walmart around 11 at night. That was the first and only time, so far, but next week we are headed to the mall then mani/pedis. She gives me advice on make up, making several outfits out of a couple items of clothing, and most importantly, girl culture. We have girl culture 1 day a week, last week it was learning all the hottest guys and singing a Justin Beiber song. These are things that are normal in girl life. This week is acting like a girl, such as walking, talking, attitude, and standing still in a fem way. I am so happy I can be honest with her 100% and she is glad to have such a good "girlfriend" that she can be completely honest to because we've always told eachother everything, literally.

So do I regret that I am out to someone, not in the least. Do I regret that I am not out fully to someone, yes. That someone is my SO, but I am working on it.

[PretzelGirl]

I have to consider myself blessed in that all my experiences have not been bad. My main thoughts are that I am not telling anyone at work, I want to tell those I tell face to face as it makes a better controlled situation, and no one gets told without discussing it with family members that live near me. This gives them some feeling of control (you don't want to run over family members) and it gives me a sanity check. The interesting part is my wife is all gas pedal (great acceptance) and my oldest daughter is all brakes (great sanity check). None of my in-laws know, but I keep saying that it is a matter of time. Everything is still in progression and going too fast is certainly not a good move.

So far I have told my wife, 2 daughters (not my son who lives 2000+ miles away), and multiple friends. Two of those friends were not pre-planned but we ran into them at a restaurant. They came up and gave me a hug and that was it.

So for me, that means I have relative freedom on dressing. At home is a non-issue as long as we don't have guests and then it depends on the guests. I go out with my wife and daughter on a regular basis. Not so much with friends as it is more of a scheduling problem.

So coming out to me has been a pleasantly relaxing effort. I certainly get nervous everytime I come out to one more person as I am sure many do, but the acceptance has been wonderful and affirming.

[Pythos]

This is a brilliant thread. Much more of a type coming from a positive angle.

Any how, I am out to my friends, and my computer job. I am not out to those things I really wish I could be...Aviation, and my family (mother mostly).

When it comes to who I am out to...no remorse, no regrets.

[Holly]

I have no regrets. Why? Freedom from fear... no fear of discovery by others, no fear of self discovery, no fear of ridicule. It has put me in a position to be able to help others as well. I have been able to mentor many girls and help them take those first steps out of their closets. It has also given me multiple opportunities to show society at large that we are just people and there is no reason to be fearful of us. Just yesterday I was at a Burger King soda fountain refilling beverages for my wife and myself when a woman came up to me and asked me how tall I am. I was wearing a zebra print top, white capri pants and about 2" wedgies. I told her I was well over six feet tall. We exchanged some small talk for a few moments. Her parting comment to me was, "You look lovely." :). No... no regrets here. It only took me sixty years to be comfortable being myself. (Some of us are slow learners :eek:).

[Nigella]

Pythos, care to enlighten us to why you have no regrets?

[LynnInDenver]

I'm out to everyone except extended family (aunts and uncles), and my workplace, and thus far, no real regrets. I don't have to lie to people about who I'm spending time with, or how I'm spending it, nor do I have to scrounge and plan to have even a little "comfort mode" time, since most of my friends have seen me both ways. I haven't lost any friendships over it, in fact, everyone except my parents have been very much in the mode of, "understanding is not required, acceptance is".

[Rianna Humble]

I am well and truly out of the closet, but even before my transition became national news, I was out and glad of it.

Why no regrets?

1 It was becoming far too hard living a double life before I came out - since coming out there is no need for the double life

2 I was feeling physically sick every time I had to dress as a man - even when I was waiting to be able to transition, knowing that the people at work knew about me made it less sickening

3 I was fed up pretending to be a man - I no longer have to keep up that pretence

[arbon]

My life was a life of being afraid of being found out.

The few times I was outed, told someone, or was afraid someone new about me, I usually regretted because I was so scared and had so much shame about it. But in late 2008 I accidentally outed myself via an email to a vendor. I had attached a personal file which basically said that when I was a child I wished I was a girl. It is the only time I had ever written down anything like that. I had written it because recently I had been very torn up inside after going to a little Halloween party in where me and my wife switched roles (only the 2nd time I had ever gone out) and that night had triggered some serious GID. I tried to write about it. I thought the email incident was the worst thing that could have happened in my life. I felt worse then I had ever felt in my life.

I had to tell my wife what happened. She knew about my crossing but it had always been kept very private and I had promised her that it would never affect the marriage. More importantly, maybe, I had promised her that I never wanted to be a woman.

But I did not kill myself and the experience pushed me to take a more honest look at who I am. As hard as it was, I had to face the truth about me and I had to start being honest with others. It turned into the best thing that happened in my life. I don't have to live in that fear of being found out and the shame of having a secret life anymore. I don't regret that now. There has been a price to pay, of course, because there are consequences that can be painful.

But in the end I feel more right with myself in this world.

[Jilmac]

After my wife passed away I had the opportunity to come out of the closet and tell the world who I really am, and I haven't regretted it for a second. The reason is because I can finally be myself without fear of rejection by those who are less tolerant, plus the fact that I no longer have to hide to dress.

[Butterfly Bill]

I can wear what I want when I want to and I don't have be afraid of having a secret found out. The last few weeks it has been over 100 degrees (38C) every day and I have been able to wear breezy tent dresses. I occasionally have strangers on the street giving me compliments. I can go to church every Sunday in soft rayons and nylons. I haven't found anything to regret, except maybe being frustrated at not being able to find size 12 shoes.

[Cari]

In my case the positive or negatives happen on a case by case basis depending who I told.
I guess there are a few that I regret telling
But on the whole it has been positive.

[Pythos]

I have no regrets because most of the time I am out in the stuff I like to wear, I get compliments. When I am out in what I like looking how I like, with my friends, I feel like myself, opposed to what society wants.

Getting compliments about my style, is just nice to get. I NEVER get such when in drab. One of the neater one I have gotten was "Not only do you have a unique style, you also are pretty good at getting computers to behave" THAT is what I want. The connection of an abnormal style with GOOD stuff!!

I hope one day to not only be a good if not great instructor, I hope my style becomes synomous with success. Fat chance I know, but yea.

But I do not know complete freedom yet.

[LolaDD]

Came out recently to my wife. She is very supportive. No regrets but still have a lot to learn. Lola

[Loretta]

I've told 5 people that I talk to almost every day.
They've all been really accepting.

My mom, my dad, my little brother, my Aunt, and one of my friends.
The last one I just told last night. She told me that she always had her suspicions. She told me she was jealous that my boobs were 2-3 cups sizes bigger than hers. She did bring up the fact that she thought I had many TS tendencies in high school and college, though, but it was mostly just related to fashion and mannerisms.

But no, I regret nothing. Not once in my life have I had any regrets. If something I do causes backlash, I own up to it and learn for the next time something similar occurs.

[Nicole Erin]

I don't regret it. More you do it, easier it gets. I no longer have to explain that I am TG to anyone. They see who I am.
Well of course now I live full time as Erin and that is just how people know me. Sure they can probably tell I am "really a dude" but I don't care, family doesn't care, my job doesn't care...
So an Erin regrets not.

If I did have any, it is that it is tough to uphold an image of being a lady.

[LitaKelley]

Regret it? HELL NO!! Finding my self and becoming ME, finally... after all these years... it's changed my life in so many ways.... I am FREE and being ME the way I want to be... I am more confident.. more open with people... made so many new friends and made stronger bonds with existing friends and family... Sooooo many doors and opportunities and OMG I wish I come out much much sooner..... to finally UNDERSTAND who I am.... to KNOW THINE OWN SELF.... and BE without any fears, hindrance or self imposed obstacles, etc... just feels so GOOD.... Never have I felt so ALIVE.... so FREE... SO HAPPY and finally, for the first time in my entire life.. I am at peace with my self and accepting of who I am..... The only regret I have is not coming out 25+ years ago...when I should have

[Lorileah]

Never regret anything that makes you smile. No I don't, I just wish it wasn't supposedly such a big deal and everyone could do it

I do regret 20 plus years when I could have been having fun and when I was better looking

[Samantha B L]

I'm out of the closet nowadays. My sister figured me out when she noticed I had a bunch of gay,lesbian,drag queen and burlesque queen freinds on facebook and she cornered me about it so I gave in and fessed up. Now a whole lot of my family members and even a whole lot of my relatives know all about it! So do many of my freinds including people who I thought of as hectoring rednecks when I was growing up. Most of them don't care! But they do wonder why would a guy put on ladie's things or smear away their body hair with a depilatory or wear a wig(?)Oh well,it's insignifigant. Those who know me know I am a published rock critic and I have a book on the web in which I put an enfemme picture of myself in the profile section which hundreds of people who don't even know me have seen this picture. Thousands of people maybe. Sorry folks,I did forget to add that I don't regret coming out and in a way it is less scary to be out than it is to be always worried that people who don't know are gonna find out. My life is a little easier this way. Much easier actually.

[Nigella]

Thanks for the responses so far, Some posts have been edited and you will find the there has been no responses allowed to each post. There is a specific reason for this and all will be revealled in the not too distant future.

Please do put in your reasons for not regretting coming out, they are important to the overall picture that this thread is aimed at. Also please refrain from adding any other comments about coming out, this particular thread is about YOUR reasons for not regretting it. :hugs:

[AliceJaneInNewcastle]

Aside from my comment in the other thread about regretting that I didn't come out a lot sooner, I have no regrets about coming out.

A small number of actively church-going in-laws have marginally less to do with me than they used to, and a couple of other people didn't speak to me for a few weeks or months after finding out. I don't regret that, and I think that they needed that time to sort out their problems, which I'm entirely comfortable knowing aren't my problems.

I have gained so much from being out. Not only have I met many other TG people and their families and friends, I've also met many other people who accept me as the woman I present myself as.

Some of the most fulfilling things that I've ever done have been as the only trans person in a larger group of women, in mainstream places doing normal things such as attending a fashion show or doing the rounds of some factory outlet stores.

Being out has improved my whole outlook on life. I'm more calm and together than I've been in years. I'm even enjoying doing girly things in boy mode to see if I can provoke responses from people.

Why would I regret it? It's fun! :)

[kimdl93]

Why - simply because I'm able to enjoy expressing my feminine side a good deal of the time, at home, and lately, out in the public. I suppose it would be fair to ask why that matters. I'm not sure I have a complete answer to that - except that by presenting as best I can, I'm being true to myself and accepting myself more completely. I could go into an endless loop trying to delve into the reasons that dressing as a woman would do this for me - since nothing magical happens - I'm still the same person inside.

[Nigella]

In my case the positive or negatives happen on a case by case basis depending who I told.
I guess there are a few that I regret telling
But on the whole it has been positive.


Came out recently to my wife. She is very supportive. No regrets but still have a lot to learn. Lola


Never regret anything that makes you smile. No I don't, I just wish it wasn't supposedly such a big deal and everyone could do it

I do regret 20 plus years when I could have been having fun and when I was better looking

Would you ladies care to explain why you do not regret it?

[thechic]

well i dont regreat comming out , no more lies I can now be myself.
About 2 years ago i just could not take the lieing and hideing any more,started seeing a theropist then one eving i told my wife,she didnt take it well,over time the kids the whole family now knows,work knows, well there is no hiding it.most clients actuly think i am a woman,and in some cases this has been a disadvange.
Even though this has coused some other issues,i happier ii am fem 24/7 and its strange though because everybody treats me like a woman,which i am happy with.

[Nigella]

Would those who have responded to this thread now go and post in this (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?157964-Have-you-had-any-bad-experiences-coming-out-of-the-closet) thread, thank you

[ReineD]

Well, I have both feelings, regretting and not regretting. It is not simply black and white for my SO and I, since we are only partially out.

Anyway, since I posted my regrets in Sandra's regret thread, I hope it is OK for me to be thorough and post my non-regrets in this thread as well. :)

The thing that I don't regret is going out in public, even though we don't go out in our town. It makes our dressing experience all the more varied and interesting, although it can get dicey when we run into people that we don't want to know. I also don't regret telling a friend of mine, who's husband is also a CD. She was a valuable source of support for me in the beginning when I was learning about all of this. :)

[Nigella]

Reine, Of course you can post here, there will be some members who do have a foot in both camps.

[Gillian Gigs]

In my relationship with my wife, it has been all good after coming out about my CD side. Once we came to our little compromises that had to be worked out, it has been very good. We have incorporated some of my dressing desires into our intimate times, and she has responded with a few desires of her own. I can now live 24/7 underdressed, and I do not have to hide anything from her. She knows what I do with my "me" time, and she adjusts some of her schedules to accommodate it. It has been 15 years now, if I could only have done it sooner, I would have spared myself a lot of hassles. It has also broken down other barriers in our relationship, which has made us closer than before.

[drag n fly]

Nope...It's been a tremendous load off my back...No more lying...and my wife seems pretty good with it..Amazing...This morning she saw me, for the first time with a night gown on, in the kitchen..She didn't say anything..but she has been very pleasant all day...So , I guess she's okay with it...What can I do? It's me...Jackie

[Amanda22]

I don't regret coming out of the closet at all. It's been a liberating experience. The feeling of "living a lie" by having a secret from my wife is gone. Luckily, my wife loves me and completely encourages my dressing. I wish I had come out much earlier in life, though, because it's been such a great experience. I truly feel I've started living a much happier and healthy life.

[ReneeT]

Coming out is an evolutionary process for me. I only consider "outing" myself as informing those who also know my male side. Of those 4 people, i have deep regrets for having told 1, my sister. I regret it because she immediately betrayed the trust i placed in her, and for that i will likely never speak to her again.

If i count those people who only know Renee, i have no regrets whatsoever.

[Sally24]

My story is a little different in that before I was 50, I dressed very seldom and it was only an item or two of clothing. My wife knew before we were even engaged so I never had to have that coming out. After I started going out in public we.agreed to out me to my wifes best friend. She was very accepting and gave my wife someone to talk to about any issues. Then I told my best friend. I figured that being one of the central people in our town he would know if rumors started. He thought that if what you do is not hurting anyone than its ok with him. We eventually told our grown children as they would have found out at some point. My.daughter has embraced it and has frequently gone out with me. It helps that we are the same size so we've swapped clothing back and forth. My son is a little cageyer. He says he's ok but I suspect he has his own reservations about it all.

All my wife siblings, 5 in all, know and are ok with it but concerned for my wife. Since I haven't had any negative responses I obviously have no regrets. I couldn't have remained in the closet to many people with the amount of things I do in public. Having been in the Boston Globe newspaper and on both tv and radio, someone would be bound to make the connection.

I am very happy with my results. I leave fully dressed from my home, night or day. I have a fairly full life as a women, albeit part time.

[Cynthia Anne]

My only regret is I didn't come out sooner!

[myriamcd]

my wife found out. my only regret was that i did not tell her earlier. we went through a little bit of a tough patch when she found out. insecure about why and my orientation and if she was what i really wanted.

after a gentle period of discovery, she has learned to accept and in fact looks forward to our special evenings when myriam shows up.

i am lucky that i can share this with her without guilt.

[t-girlxsophie]

Overall No regrets here,im sad that my relationship with my son,changed a little since he found out (his mum told him) but when I told my,now wife that I crossdressed it changed my life forever.She has supported me 100%,she told me not long after meeting Sophie that she loved me,the person not what I was wearing and I feel so lucky to be married to her:hugs:.

I am also blessed with supportive friends,I have told as many ppl as I think should find out about me and want to live my life to the fullest now,happy and content

Sophie